-
Lesson 14
Reply to post your assignment.
-
2 Replies
-
David Wickenden Has Amazing Description!
What do I learn while doing this assignment?
The chart would have been very handy when writing the draft to make it easier to include these elements from the start. I’ll definitely be using it next time around.
The girl, Susan, in this scene is scared.
She fidgets, not knowing what to do with her hands.
Action. Internal Process
He pushes through the gate and swaggers to his friend and parents. He stops when he sees Susan’s little sister, almost forgotten by her grieving family. He puckers his lips and blows her a kiss.
The child raises her hand, bending her fingers to make a gun. She aims it at his head. Her little thumb drops, and she raises her hand as from the recoil and takes aim again. She keeps firing her finger gun until her mother pulls her hand down.
Noah’s laughter faulters and he marches out of the courtroom. Susan’s mother glares at his back until he disappears through the door. She doesn’t see the malevolent glint in her younger daughter’s eyes.
Reveals
The figure turns back to the computer table, revealing the person’s face.
It’s Laura.
Sitting back down, she grabs the mouse and opens up a browser. She types in an address and the logo for the RCMP CHILD EXPLOITATION loads.
A field appears asking for username and password. Expression sad, Laura bites her lip and closes her eyes.
On the screen, she types Username: JWilliams, password **($$%((@*X4
Action/internal process
He turns to find James dead behind him in a puddle of blood.
The lawyer stands cowering, waiting for a second shot, which never comes. Like a nervous bird, his head jumps around, searching for threats.
-
David Thompson Has Amazing Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to snag the attention of the reader, pull them into the story and not let go until they reach the last page. The handout is very, very helpful.
I have several scenes which need improvement in this fashion. I looked at a scene where two of the Furies are dealing with a human trafficker. A lot to rewrite there using the handout!
Before:
A heavyset man, PABLO, swings a gate shut.
A beat-up small moving truck is idling by the gate. Pablo walks by and a whimpering is heard.
Pablo bangs on the side of the van.
After:
A heavyset man, PABLO, swings a gate shut, locking it. He’s one of those thick-set guys with a considerable “beer gut” hanging over a huge cowboy belt buckle.
His small beat-up moving van is idling by the gate. Pablo walks next to the cargo area and a whimpering is heard.
Pablo bangs on the side of the van.
Before:
He rounds the truck to the front, and checks a dead headlight. He thumps it, grunts and moves on around to the driver’s door when the door SLAMS into him, knocking him to the ground.
After:
Shaking his head, he rounds the truck to the front, and checks a dead headlight. He thumps it, grunts and moves on around to the driver’s door, climbing inside.
In the truck, he tries to drive, the engine coughs, sputters, then dies.
He kicks open the driver’s door, and slides out.
He’s met with a fist to this forehead. He staggers back, leaning against the truck’s cab.
Final Example, introduction to the Underworld, a realm of demons, monsters, dragons, and assorted horrors.
Before:
BUNE, a demon. Looks human. Wearing a green tunic and has a military bearing. His goatee has a slight greenish cast.
Bune is striding down this glossy corridor, passing torches in wall sconces.
He approaches a doorway where two DEMON GUARDS are standing.
One guard snaps to attention when Bune approaches. The other begins to open the door.
Bune nods, then halts.
After:
BUNE, a demon. Currently, looks human. Wearing a green tunic and has a military bearing. His goatee has a slight greenish cast.
Bune strides down this glossy corridor, passing torches in wall sconces, casting multiple shadows on the opposite wall. Bune’s shadow is a huge multi-headed dragon.
He approaches a doorway where a two DEMON GUARDS are standing. These demons are round, with squat heads and one had tusks protruding from his lower jaw.
They look both dangerous and quite stupid.
One guard snaps to attention when Bune approaches. The other begins to open the door.
Bune nods, then halts.
Log in to reply.