Lesson 14

[Ed Lusk]

Subject: Ed Lusk’s Most Memorable Line

What I learned doing this assignment is how character, subtext, and other dialogue improvment possibilities can be achieved by focusing in on a scene and or a line of dialogue. By methodically applying different techniques a much more emotional and impactful line is achieved.

SCENE TO REWRITE: Final showdown between Father O’Hara, turned vampire, and our heroes.

The meaning I want to deliver is: the conflicted remorse Father Collini expresses after he kills his oldest and best friend, Father O’Hara.

INT. THE GATE

…they turn right into the snarling presence of a smoldering Father O’Hara. His flesh melting off of his skull.

COLLINI

Holy Mother of God.

NGUYEN

It’s three against one.

The Loyal Servant stands with O’Hara only to have O’Hara’s dig his fangs deep into his neck.

Rejuvenated, O’Hara roars with vengeance. Merchant and Nguyen look for an escape.

NGUYEN

Get out of here. I can handle him.

MERCHANT

Don’t be a fool, Le.

They look for a weapon, anything, there is nothing but bare walls. O’Hara circles his prey. He pounces at Merchant.

Merchant side steps O’Hara sending him at Nguyen. He trips O’Hara. Momentum carries him stumbling back towards the edge of the aquifer.

NGUYEN

You think?

MERCHANT

In vampire myths we trust.

O’Hara teeters on the edge of the pool. Collini charges ahead and does his best soccer header into O’Hara’s chest.

O’Hara, friend, colleague, reaches put the throttle Collini only to plunge into the holy water. He wails and vaporizes into steaming, soupy goo.

Collini crosses himself. Merchant joins him at his side.

COLLINI

His soul now rests in peace. (I WANT TO REWRITE THIS LINE)

NEW LINE:

COLLINI

This is what you’ve led us to Father Merchant, from men of peace to men of war. O’Hara will forgive me but my God will not.

MERCHANT

You did the right thing Father.

NGUYEN

(RE: the water) I think we have our battle plan.

MERCHANT

Not entirely. The Longinus statue!