Lesson 14

[Jack Young]

Jack Young Has Amazing Description! for “STREAM”

What I learned doing this assignment is that sometimes it does help to add a “action/Internal” process in the description. Previously in writing scripts I think I probably overdid this process. I’ve cut back quite a bit and I believe that’s an improvement in my writing.

Here are 3 examples. I feel it adds more emphasis on the situation in the scene.

———————————————————————————————

Although the following description “That hit home” isn’t something that is considered an action but more internal, by Michael’s reaction of stopping trying to get the remote, it signals how her words did “hit home”:

Michael reaches behind her back, trying to grab it.

DIANE

So what do we tell him? That

everything is fine? Lie to him?

Like you lie to me?

Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.

NICK

Mommy, what did daddy lie

about?

—————————————————————————————

In the following description, Mrs. Wakowski had been going on and on about her dead husband and Michael was trying to reel her back to the reality of the situation. Although someone being “pulled back to reality” is an internal action, her actions of stopping and then taking out a Kleenex signifies that she’s been pulled back to reality:

Michael puts the paperwork back into the envelope.

MICHAEL

Mrs. Wakowski?

Mrs. Wakowski is pulled back to reality and is slightly embarrassed she went off on a tangent. She takes a Kleenex from her purse and wipes the sweat from her forehead.

MRS. WAKOWSKI

Yes?

—————————————————————————————–

In the following example, Jimmy, a drug addict, hits his brother, Michael, up for some drug money. Michael is uncomfortable with it. The action is that he runs his hand through his hair. It’s followed by an internal feeling that Michael has, “He knows where this is going.”:

JIMMY

I hate to ask, bro, but I need

a little cash.

Michael stands up and runs his hands through his hair. He knows where this is going.

MICHAEL

You know how I feel about this

stuff.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Has Amazing Description!

What I learned doing this assignment is there’s always room for improvement in description no matter how many passes I make.

The Description Chart is a handy tool. I’m going to apply it to a thriller screenplay I’ve just completed.

During this pass, I improved Yelena Tebieva’s description to show that she’s come down in the world.