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Lesson 14 Assignments
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Module 4 Lesson 14
Elizabeth Dickinson Has Amazing Descriptions!
What I learned doing this assignment is that it isn’t always obvious if I’m adding a layer or gilding the lily.
#1
Oversoul turns, discovers past life protagonists watching him. (New) He gapes at cat, stunned.
#2
Sirius shakes his head I’m imagining things and returns attention to the speaker.
#3
ATHAIR
Your mother has spoken.
(new) Athair looks like he wishes otherwise.
#4
BRONWEN
I’d still rather fight.
(new) Rudhek admires Bronwen.
#5
Ulf sprinkles herbs in the fire. (new) They spark colored light.
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Tim Barley has amazing description!
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I’ve been constantly doing these techniques with every rewrite, but it’s always good to get fresh eyes and look at it with a plan.
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P.G. Sundling Has Amazing Description!
5. Answer the question, “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
There are rules too for the internal state in novels. How to express internal state was a particular weakness of mine. I’ve gotten decent at it in my novels after a lot of work. This lesson really helped with navigating that issue in scripts. So, this lesson in particular was very valuable for me.
4. Give us three to five examples of how this improved your description.
My teaser was already doing the series of intriguing images with the new information reveals approach. I added a beat of suspense, to strengthen reveal of the threat worse than nuclear war.
A head tilt with concern builds anticipation for what James will say for the act 3 turning point.
Added some action plus internals to show Maria’s attitude to James while he talks. It allows it to go from angry to angrier to calmer with just a few phrases at the start of act 4.
Lots of little things. Reordered the action first in several places.
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Laurie Brown has Amazing Descriptions
What I learned from doing this assignment is that it just gets better and better with each draft.
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Assignment 14
Wendy Weising Has Amazing Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is that my characters revealed even more.
1. ORIGINAL:
INT. CHURCH – DAY
JANE MARCH, wearing a tunic and men’s breeches, kneels and begins to pray. All is quiet.
Crash! JOHN PARKER, her second-in-command, drops a load of ancient armor next to her.
Jane opens one eye but doesn’t move.
JANE
It can’t be time yet.
PARKER
The enemy is gathering.
He motions for her to get up. She slowly stands. He roughly straps different pieces of armor onto her.
JANE
But we’re not ready.
PARKER
We’re ready.
JANE
We’re not strong enough.
PARKER
The enemy has better weapons, but we’ll fight with everything we’ve got.
JANE
I’m afraid.
He shoves the helmet on her head.
PARKER
We don’t have time. Let’s go.
CHANGED:
TEASER
INT. CHURCH – DAY
JANE MARCH, a pale, thin woman wearing a tunic and men’s breeches, kneels and begins to pray. A cross stands before her. All is quiet. The church is empty.
Boom! JOHN PARKER, her second-in-command, slams through the doors and storms down the aisle.
Jane opens one eye but doesn’t move.
Crash! He drops a load of ancient armor next to her.
Both eyes are open now.
JANE
It can’t be time yet.
PARKER
The enemy is coming.
He motions for her to get up. She slowly stands. He roughly straps different pieces of armor onto her.
JANE
But we’re not ready.
PARKER
We’re ready.
JANE
We’re not strong enough.
PARKER
The enemy has better weapons, but we’ll fight with everything we’ve got.
JANE
I’m afraid.
He shoves the helmet on her head.
PARKER
We don’t have time. Let’s go.
2. ORIGINAL
DR. ZYN
Jane, it’s going to be OK. I’m here to help you.
JANE
Don’t touch me. The only way you can help me is giving me my boys!
DR. ZYN
The most important thing is that you get better. Then we can find your boys.
Dr. Jones glares at him, picks up a syringe, and leans over Jane.
CHANGED
DR. ZYN
Jane, it’s going to be OK. I’m here to help you.
JANE
Don’t touch me. The only way you can help me is giving me my boys!
DR. ZYN
The most important thing is that you get better. Then we can find your boys.
Dr. Jones glares at him to knock it off, picks up a syringe, and leans over Jane.
3. ORIGINAL
JANE
Please just give me my kids. They are my whole world.
DR. JONES
And what a sad little world you live in. I have things to do.
She stabs the tranquilizer into Jane’s neck and leans in again.
DR. JONES (CONT’D)
(Whispering)
I have all the power; you have none. Remember that.
Jane immediately stops moving.
JANE
But I can outlast anyone.
CHANGED
JANE
Please just give me my kids. They are my whole world.
DR. JONES
And what a sad little world you live in. I have things to do.
She stabs the tranquilizer into Jane’s neck and leans in again.
DR. JONES (CONT’D)
(Whispering)
I have all the power; you have none. Remember that.
Jane immediately stops moving.
JANE
But I can outlast anyone.
One last jab before she falls asleep.
ORIGINAL
INT. HALLWAY-DAY
Dr. Zyn sits in a chair with his head in his hands. Dr. Jones shoots out of Jane’s room and up to Dr. Zyn.
DR. JONES
What was that?
DR. ZYN
What?
DR. JONES
(mimicking his voice)
“You just get better, Jane, and we’ll find your kids.” Why did you tell her that?
DR. ZYN
I thought it would help her, ease her mind.
DR. JONES
Are you insane? You can’t tell her things like that. I thought we agreed.
DR. ZYN
I want to help her.
DR. JONES
That wasn’t helping her. That was helping yourself. No more, understand? Or you’re out of here.
DR. ZYN
OK.
INT. HALLWAY-DAY
Dr. Zyn sits, staring down at a medallion. He rubs it gently.
Dr. Jones shoots out of Jane’s room and up to Dr. Zyn.
DR. JONES
What was that?
DR. ZYN
What?
DR. JONES
(mimicking his voice)
“You just get better, Jane, and we’ll find your kids.” Why did you tell her that?
DR. ZYN
I made a mistake. I was trying to comfort her.
DR. JONES
Are you insane? You can’t tell her things like that. I thought we agreed.
DR. ZYN
I want to help her.
DR. JONES
That wasn’t helping her. That was helping yourself.
The medallion slips out of Dr. Zyn’s hands and hits the floor with a ting! Dr. Jones grabs it up.
DR. JONES (CONT’D)
No! You can’t have this.
DR. ZYN
It’s mine.
DR. JONES
But it’s from her.
DR. ZYN
Jealousy doesn’t look good on you.
DR. JONES
Are you that stupid? She can’t see this because then she’ll remember.
DR. ZYN
Maybe that’s a good thing.
DR. JONES
That’s never a good thing. You don’t know what she’s capable of.
DR. ZYN
But I know her.
When Dr. Jones shoves the medallion in a pocket, Dr. Zyn jumps up, just holding back his rage.
DR. JONES
It no longer exists. End of discussion. You play by my rules or you won’t be here to protect her.
Dr. Zyn stares hatred at her. Then he storms down the hall.
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Avi Kapurala has Amazing Description!
Completed this a while ago but neglected to post.
What I learned doing this lesson is: increasing description blew out my page count, but definitely improved the dialogue.
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