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Lesson 15
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12 Replies
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Logline: Nancy meets up with Squire in the hospital and learns he’s been in an accident and she is a lawyer.
Essence: Greed
INT. HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
NANCY – Woman late 20’s – lovely – nice golden hair – wears hospital gown.
SQUIRE – Man around 30 – hansom – full head of dark hair – wears hospital gown and in a back brace.
Nancy limps into Squire’s hospital room. She sees him as he lies in his hospital bed. She limps over to him and sits.
Squire lies in a back brace and has bandages on his cuts. He looks towards her the best he can.
SQUIRE
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m Nancy Saunders. I’m in the room next door.
SQUIRE
Pleased to meet you. I’m sorry I’m not in a better position to greet lovely ladies.
NANCY
I over heard you had an accident at the subway station on 5th avenue.
SQUIRE
Some idiot pushed me on to the tracks. I was fortunate that no train was arriving at the time.
NANCY
(she looks at his wrist ID)
How badly are you hurt? Squire Fahey? That is your name isn’t it?
SQUIRE
That right. I’m waiting the results of the X-Rays and MRI.
(tries to look her way)
Who are you anyway?
NANCY
I maybe the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Some pain. I don’t mean to be impolite but should you be in here?
She looks around then towards the door. She looks back at Squire.
NANCY
I’m a good lawyer. I’m here getting my foot and ankle fixed when I overheard them bring you in.
SQUIRE
I’ve never met a lawyer as beautiful as you.
NANCY
Listen to me. Last year, a man fell off the subway platform and sued the transit system for millions.
SQUIRE
Did you say millions?
NANCY
It was millions for injury, pain and suffering.
SQUIRE
For millions? Wow!
He pauses.
SQUIRE
I could get that sports car or maybe a house in Westchester.
NANCY
Earth to Squire. Come down for a moment.
(she moves closer to him)
Here’s what we can do.
SQUIRE
What’s with this we? I’m the one hurt not you.
NANCY
You’re going to need a good lawyer, aren’t you?
SQUIRE
I guess so.
NANCY
You know so and I’m one of the best. Only a fool would take on the system by themselves.
SQUIRE
A million dollars. I got nothing to lose. What do I do?
NANCY
You have to play it up. Pain and suffering.
He begins to moan. Nancy looks around the corner at the door. She gets up and opens the door wider.
NANCY
Come on. Pain and suffering.
He moans louder. Just at that moment, the Doctor comes in.
The Doctor looks at Nancy then moves over to Squire as he moans.
DOCTOR
I’m Doctor Brackett. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Unbelievable, Doctor. It’s my back and neck.
He glances over at Nancy as she nods.
DOCTOR
That’s odd. Your X-rays and MRI don’t show any broken bones or muscle tears.
SQUIRE
(moans)
Can you give me something for the pain?
NANCY
Sometimes X-rays and MRI’s don’t show everything
DOCTOR
(looks over at her)
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m his lawyer.
DOCTOR
Uh huh. I see.
(to Squire)
Well Mr. Fahey, I’m going to recommend your release. All I can see here are some bumps and bruises.
SQUIRE
What about the pain?
He moans.
DOCTOR
I’ll administer some morphine. It’ll knock you out for a while and when you wake up, I bet you will feel much better.
(he looks over at Nancy)
Won’t he.
The Doctor takes out a syringe of morphine.
SQUIRE
Wait a minute, maybe the pain is getting better.
He injects Squire’s I.V. as Squire quiets. The Doctor looks over at Nancy.
DOCTOR
Perhaps you could use some?
Nancy shakes her head and limps out of the room at a fast pace. As she passes Squire’s clothes that hang by the door, she puts a paper in one of the pockets while the Doctor starts to remove Squire’s braces.
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Hey Rick,
Nice job hitting all the traits. I can see them all with the exception of “caring” for Nancy.
You might want to spend a little more time considering the interest techniques, as I didn’t really see those in use. The ending could be considered a cliffhanger when you think about Squire’s objection to the morphine, but the doctor administering it anyway. That brings up a lot of questions.
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Nice scene Rick!
I can see all the traits for both characters, although the caring part in Nancy could also be taken as scheming.
I can see the seductiveness of Squire but I didn’t see him trying to control anyone using it. Maybe I’m missing something?
Interest traits I saw: Intrigue, predictions, mystery, creating a future, cliffhanger, anticipatory dialogue, something unseen, uncomfortable moment, suspense, major twist, interesting setting, intrigue.
You got a lot in there! Woot! Great work!
-Karin
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Logline: Squire knows something and he plans to use it to win Nancy back.
Essence: Two people want something from each other.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – EVENING
Nancy is scanning her open laptop and furiously taking notes. NANCY (mid-30s) tall blonde with a ponytail.
SQUIRE (mid-30s) strolls in with his hands in his pockets, tie hanging loosely from his neck.
Nancy glances at him.
NANCY
You’re late.
SQUIRE
Five minutes.
NANCY
Eight minutes.
SQUIRE
And here I was looking forward to spending some quality time with you.
She laughs.
NANCY
That’s not ever happening again. Sit, we have a lot to do.
SQUIRE
I have something that could save us some time.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Karen gave me a list of items that are, as she put it, must-haves for the event.
NANCY
Great. Well, let’s have a look.
He taps his phone and her laptop chimes.
Squire slides into a chair next to her, leaning in.
She’s reading the list.
NANCY
Is she kidding? This is a retirement party, not a royal ball.
Why’d she send these to you and not both of us?
SQUIRE
I have no idea.
NANCY
Dammit, I’ve already done a ton of work on this. And this completely screws what I’ve done.
SQUIRE
Sorry, not my call.
NANCY
Well, some of these items just won’t do. Mr. Roberts hates sushi and he’ll never go for a live rock band. I thought she knew him better than that. It is his retirement party after all.
Squire runs a finger down her arm.
SQUIRE
Has it occurred to you that Karen might know him better than we think?
She ignores his touch.
NANCY
Whatever. We’re sending Roberts off in style.
SQUIRE
What do you want me to work on?
NANCY
You find this old video game she wants. I’ll have to fix the caterer’s menu now.
SQUIRE
You should add those Swedish meatballs. You know Roberts loves those.
She smiles and becomes animated.
NANCY
That’s a great idea. I forgot about those.
Squire scans his phone when his eyes shift to Nancy.
SQUIRE
What do you think these changes will mean for us? Do you think there will be a promotion or two in the works?
NANCY
It makes sense they’ll promote from within. That’s how they’ve always done it in the past.
SQUIRE
I promise I won’t forget you.
She laughs and turns to him.
NANCY
Oh, honey, do you really think your little playboy ways are going to get you anywhere in this place?
SQUIRE
All I’m saying is if things work out, I might be able to help you along.
NANCY
I think Karen might have something to say about that.
SQUIRE
I don’t think she’s sticking around. She’s Roberts’s little plaything and she’s done when he leaves.
Nancy looks shocked.
NANCY
What makes you so sure?
He pulls his phone up next to her ear and taps a button.
Audio emanates from the phone. Two people breathing heavily.
KAREN (O.S.)
Are you sure about this?
ROBERTS (O.S.)
This last bit of marketing data will make us millions from the right competitor. Just a little longer, you and I will be set up for life and rid of this shit hole company forever.
Nancy stares at him, expressionless.
SQUIRE
I’ve already got the ball rolling. Soon, I’ll be able to give you whatever your heart desires. If you’ll let me.
Nancy’s lips curl into a smile. Squire breathes a sigh and also smiles.
NANCY
Did you hear that, sir?
The conference room door opens. Mr. Roberts steps in, holding his cell phone. Following him are two security guards, dressed in black suits.
ROBERTS
That I did.
Roberts looks from Nancy to Squire. The color runs out of Squire’s face.
ROBERTS
I had a hell of a time imagining who had squealed. Oddly, balls aren’t something I ever associated with you.
Squire looks to Nancy and back again.
SQUIRE
I, ah . . .
ROBERTS
Yeah, save it.
Roberts turns to the black suits.
ROBERTS
Take him out down by the docks and hold him at site B. I’ll be in contact later with further instructions.
The two suits pull Squire from his chair and haul him through the door.
Roberts sits down next to Nancy.
ROBERTS
Now, let’s discuss you.
He runs a finger down her arm. She smiles, and cuddles up real close.-
Hi Jeff!
Loved that twist with Nancy setting him up. And apparently taking Karen’s place.
I saw all the traits and subtext in the scene.
Interest techniques I saw: Major twist, suspence, surprise, mislead/reveal, uncertainty, predictions, something unseen, creating a future, anticipatory dialogue and a cliffhanger.
I really want to know what they are going to do with Squire.
Cheers,
-Karin
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For Jeff
The characters are pretty much on target. I didn’t pick up on Squire being very selfish. Perhaps instead of him jumping right into the planning of the party, maybe he objects to having to do any work after he delivers the message from Karen showing a selfishness.
The scene has a great twist, surprise and betrayal all rolled into one. It also gave a bit of a cliffhanger when Squire is dragged out of the conference room.
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Thanks for the comments, Rick.
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LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire must get the evidence against her father before the trial.
ESSENCE: Betrayal is the name of the game.
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INT. MECHANICS SHOP – EVENING
NANCY, a 30 something woman, very put together, is opening drawers and cabinets, searching through papers, in a violent manner.
NANCY
Where the hell is it?
SQUIRE, a 28 year old man, lounges against a tool case, lazily pointing a gun at SAM, a 50 year old mechanic who is sitting at attention in an old chair.
SQUIRE
The guy doesn’t know anything, Nancy. What would a mechanic know about your father’s business?
Nancy marches over to Sam, stepping on a board that is not quite sitting correctly, we can see a corner of a piece of paper sticking out. Nancy covertly pushes the paper back in.
Nancy takes her gun out and presses it again Sam’s throat.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
Sam’s eyes swing to Squire and open even more. He keeps his eyes on Squire.
SAM
I’d never betray your father. He’s always been good to me.
NANCY
And once I break you, he’ll be really good to me.
Squire reaches out and touches Nancy’s shoulder. Nancy looks at her shoulder, then Squire.
SQUIRE
Let me try.
NANCY
Have at it.
Squire circles Sam, stopping behind him and getting closer. In his ear, as he looks at Nancy beguilingly.
SQUIRE
You know, Sam, we don’t want to hurt you. We want to treat you real good. If you make our job easy, we could make it worth your while.
He purrs in his ear, still looking at Nancy.
NANCY
What are you doing? Getting the evidence or trying to make a date?
SQUIRE
This is pointless. I was supposed to be in Cabo this weekend! This guy knows nothing.
Squire points his gun at Sam again.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s just finish this.
NANCY
(lunging)
No!
Squire jerks a bit and pulls the trigger, the bullet barely misses Nancy who jumps to the side just in time.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hey!
SQUIRE
Oops, sorry.
NANCY
We’re here for a reason.
SQUIRE
Are we really? Think about it. Would daddy send you when Pete is in town?
NANCY
I’m as capable as Pete.
SQUIRE
Of course you are, why do you think I like being your leader, besides the obvious.
Squire strokes her hair a bit, she backs away.
NANCY
It’s like you don’t understand who my father is.
Squire grins at her. Then looks at Sam.
SQUIRE
It’s not working, Nancy. Let’s kill this guy, together.
Sam’s eyes gets bigger. Squire waits until Nancy is looking at Sam and puts a finger in front of his lips to shush him.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s do him and the beers are on me.
NANCY
No! We have a job to do. You need to stop it and get your head turned back around.
Squire turns points his gun at Sam’s forehead.
NANCY (CONT’D)
You’re in a hurry to get out of here.
SQUIRE
Whatever he had, it’s gone now.
NANCY
You seemed like you were quite at home when you were whispering in his ear.
SQUIRE
It’s my flawless charm.
NANCY
Maybe you’re right. There’s nothing here.
Squire relaxes a little and gets into Sam’s face.
Nancy moves over to side to stand on the loose board. She takes out her gun and ensures Squire is in her sights.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. This board is loose.
Squire moves like Bruce Lee, bringing up his gun. But Nancy’s was already pointed.
NANCY (CONT’D)
What’s going on Squire? You trying to take over?
SQUIRE
I should be the heir. The organization should be mine.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
(to Sam)
You kept it here?
SAM
I told you I didn’t want to do this. I would never hurt you Nancy.
NANCY
I know.
SAM
My family?
NANCY
Safe.
SQUIRE
You are dead.
Nancy brings up her gun and points it at his forehead.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
SQUIRE
Wait!
The gun fires.
FADE OUT
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William Whelan – Assignment Lesson #14: QE Cycle #3 Revision
Logline: Two CNO officers discuss the approach to notifying a young, attractive women that her husband has died in combat.
Essence: Nancy is uncomfortable with the way Squire performs his job.
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT – CAR TRAVELING ON HIGHWAY – DAY
INT. CAR – DAY
Nancy drives while Squire rides shotgun. Squire checks his cell phone occasionally for directions.
NANCY
I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time.
SQUIRE
What are you talking about?
NANCY
You know damn well what I am talking about.
SQUIRE
I wouldn’t say I didn’t know what you were talking about if I knew what you were talking about.
NANCY
Don’t play dumb with me — you know what I’m referring to.
SQUIRE
Jesus, I see it’s going to be one of those days where you talk in riddles all shift.
NANCY
I’m talking about what happened two months ago.
SQUIRE
You lost me — you have got to be more specific.
NANCY
Memphis.
SQUIRE
You mean the young widow with the toddler.
NANCY
No, I mean the young, hot, widow with the rockin’ body you were trying to hit on.
SQUIRE
I wasn’t trying to hit on her — I was comforting her.
NANCY
Holding her hand, putting your arm around her, and hugging her is against regulations — you were putting the Squire moves on her. I know them when I see them.
SQUIRE
She was crying uncontrollably; my words weren’t cutting it. What was I supposed to do? It was between letting her cry herself out or going against regulations.
NANCY
You were just supposed to keep talking in that calm, bedside manner you have — that’s why you got the job in the first place.
SQUIRE
Look, it worked, didn’t it? She felt better and stopped crying – that’s the bottom line isn’t it?
NANCY
You are lucky it worked — and that’s the only reason I didn’t report you. Just don’t let it happen again. Because it worked in the past doesn’t mean it’s going to work in the future.
SQUIRE
So, I’m assuming that’s a warning shot across my bow because today’s client is young and attractive, and that I need to be on my best behavior.
NANCY
You got it, Captain.
SQUIRE
I think you’re jealous.
NANCY
I knew you’d go there. No, I’m not jealous — I just don’t want you taking advantage of anyone when they’re at their most vulnerable. It’s about them, not you — try to keep that in mind for once in your life.
SQUIRE
You expect me to believe that you don’t have a thing for me — after you asked that I be assigned to you…Major.
NANCY
Don’t flatter yourself. I didn’t ask -– I was told you were being assigned to me as my partner. The brass knew your reputation — they figured I could straighten you out. I’m still hoping to get you to see the error of your ways.
SQUIRE
Nice try, but I think it’s more than duty that made you take me on as your partner.
NANCY
You’re right — you remind me of my ex-husband. If this partnership doesn’t work out, I’ll know it was me not him that was the problem.
SQUIRE
See I was right — you do have a thing for me.
NANCY
If I do it’s purely professional — don’t think you are getting into my pants.
SQUIRE
But you’re wearing a dress.
NANCY
Whatever.
Squire checks his phone.
SQUIRE
This is our exit.
The car exits off the highway and pulls into an industrial neighborhood full of warehouses. Nancy looks around.
NANCY
You sure that was the right exit? It’s all warehouses around here — not a house in sight.
SQUIRE
I put in the address exactly as you gave it to me.
NANCY
Which was?
SQUIRE
2336 Maple Street.
NANCY
I said Drive not Street. There you go screwin’ up again.
SQUIRE
Don’t screw with me. You said Street not Drive,
NANCY
Don’t tell me what I said — put in the correct address and see how far away we are from her house.
Squire enters the address in his phone.
SQUIRE
It’s across town — says forty-five minutes with the heavy traffic.
NANCY
It’s gonna be your ass, not mine, if she hears about her spouse’s death on the news first and not from us — and you know for the brass that’s a big, fat no no.
SQUIRE
You set me up, didn’t you? You gave me the wrong address on purpose.
NANCY
WTF you talking about?
SQUIRE
You know what I’m talking about. I know a woman scorned when I see one.
NANCY
You never give it a rest do you. Just STFU and pay attention to the directions and pray we get there before she sees it on the news.
SQUIRE
Is that an order?
NANCY
Yes, that’s an order. And by the way, your fly’s open. It might be a good idea to zip up before you get out of the car.
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Hi William,
Nice ride along scene. So, did Nancy actually set him up? Cliffhanger!
If she did set him up, I see all the traits from Nancy. With the exception of evasiveness, I saw all the traits for Squire. And I saw the subtext.
Interest Techniques I saw: Suspense, Character change, Intrigue, Prediction, Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Uncomfortable moment, and Cliffhanger.
Cheers,
-Karin
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Critique for Karen Armburst
The hook of searching through the drawers at the start and the cliffhanger at the end is very effective.
I did not clearly see the traits in either character. Nancy did not seem caring, and I felt Squire was more sympathetic to Sam. Also, I did not observe her scheming and no clear examples of stubbornness or being confrontational with Squire. The only time I felt Squire was seductive was when he touched Nancy’s shoulder and his evasiveness seems limited to him not revealing to Nancy what he whispered in Sam’s ear. Also, I did not see a clear instance where he was either selfish or happy-go-lucky.
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Thanks for your feedback William!
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