Lesson 15

[Chris WIllis]

Chris’s Unique Character Dialogue

What I learned… At this stage I have already aligned most of the dialogue with the character profiles. This pass through the script showed me how changing parenthetical (e.g., (weeps) to (challenges) can change the tone of the scene, without changing the dialogue.

I did change the dialogue in the scene where Moses speaks to the statues in a Civil War memorial. It was too passive. Did not fit Moses’ profile. It is stronger now.

(I left out the action and description that would break up the dialogue.)

ORIGINAL

MOSES

Mind if I join you boys (the statues) for lunch? Boy history sure is a tricky thing, ain’t it General? Your shit sure didn’t turn out the way you planned, did it?

Your daughters tried to memorialize your lost cause thirty years after General Lee over there surrendered. They invented a history that never was. Like there was some honor in what you did. Overlooking why you did it.

GROUNDS KEEPER

Y’all can’t eat there. It ain’t no damn colored picnic ground.

REWRITTEN

MOSES

Mind if I join you boys for lunch?

Boy your shit sure didn’t turn out the way you planned, did it General?

(Irritated)

Your daughters tried to memorialize your lost cause thirty years after General Lee over there surrendered.

(Rising anger)

What the fuck were those bitches thinking? Inventing a history that never was. Like there was some honor in what you did. Forget about why you did it.

Wouldn’t it just twist your undies all up in a bunch to see a black man like me thriving in your white word? That’s right, you racist piece of shit. I got a good job. Own my own home.

That’s right. That’s right. Oh, and I got a great wife too. A fine lookin white woman. And a beautiful child.

They hoodwinked you Johnny Reb. It’s why none of them can face you. I am a free man. Happy to be alive. Living my life in peace. Free to do whatever the fuck I like!

GROUNDS KEEPER

Hey1 Y’all can’t eat there. It ain’t no damn colored picnic ground.

MOSES

(Submissive)

Yes, suh. Sorry, suh.

(The change in tone at the end is intentional, and goes to the personality dynamics described in Moses’ character profile).

[Lora Sester]

I like your revision!

[Lora Sester]

Lora’s Scene Ratings

Isolating the dialogue from one character at a time is really helpful. I’m not quite sure what to post since I changed pretty much every line of dialogue in the script. I didn’t track the before and after but I feel like the characters sound more distinct now. I still feel as though the phrasing is too similar between some of the characters but it’s definitely improved.

[Margaret Doner]

Aligning Dialogue to the Character Profiles.

I reread the entire script to see where the dialogue is aligned with the character. I changed very little as I had been doing that through all my rereads, however, I found that as I changed the action in the script…last assignment…it brought me to also rethink the character of Dennis. I put his positive traits as Kind, Smart, Open-minded, patient, and his negative traits as Easily manipulated and insecure. When i went back to reread with that in mind I changed some interaction with his old friend Tom Banks to highlight his insecurity and his new interaction with Victoria to show his kindness.

[Zenna Davis – Jones]

Zenna’s Unique Character Dialogue

I found this process daunting to begin. However, as it went by there were some interesting discoveries. Mainly, I discovered how caring my protagonist is. There were moments that really didn’t align with that, so I was able to shift her intention to be from a place of care even if the impact is harmful.

It was also discovering how many scenes happen without the antagonist in it. I assumed he had more scenes to work through. But I found his dialogue aligned with his character breakdown.

[James Hernandez]

Day 15:

James’ Unique Character Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is…by isolating the character’s dialogue I have the character talking to me informing what the next line should be. This is a form of immersion only achieved by concentrating on one character at a time. Once the character talks directly to me, I understand him/her on an intimate level; every action taken and words said now comes from their essence.

I only tracked Jessica’s dialogue given she’s the main protagonist (the female love interest in the romantic comedy) and since the story is seen from her perspective. I believe if her dialogue is improved then the other characters would follow suit and the script overall would tighten.

JESSICA

I’ll be visiting again, for sure. (before)

JESSICA

I have my next mission without fail. (after)

JESSICA

It’s ok, Mrs. Head. (before)

JESSICA

Your sermons are fine by me, Mrs. Head. (after)

JESSICA

I have all night. (before)

JESSICA

I have a weirdly long attention span. (after)