Lesson 15

[Michael Jones]

QE Cycle 3 Revision

Logline: Nancy and Squire need to recruit gorilla expert, Freya, to guide them to the ancient artifact.

Essence: Nancy and Squire need help.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

A camp made up of canvas tents and a few cabins wakes to the breaking sun. Dave pokes the kindling and ashes of a burgeoning fire with a pot of water beginning to boil. Nancy holds three cups.

DAVE

Three?

NANCY

He’s gonna want some.

DAVE

Doesn’t do much for himself, huh?

NANCY

Would you?

Squire staggers out of his tent blocking his eyes from the sunlight. Dave adds water to the cups.

DAVE

It’s instant, but it’ll do the trick, all the same.

Squire simpers and bows to Dave.

SQUIRE

You’re a luminary in a dark wilderness, my friend.

DAVE

Sure.

Nancy looks on with amusement.

SQUIRE

I just want to personally thank you, truly, for housing us and sacrificing your own time to help our cause. Graciousness and kindness are fewer these days in most people, but you contain both in a most stunning display.

DAVE

I’ll convince her.

SQUIRE

Cheers to that, brother.

They clink cups and Dave heads for the cabin.

NANCY

Unbelievable.

SQUIRE

I knew you’d be dazzled.

NANCY

How’s your face?

SQUIRE

It’s fine. Why do you ask?

She slaps him.

SQUIRE

I’d like to change my answer.

NANCY

I put up with him for the last hour trying to get him to help us and you just show up and it’s, “Hey, no problem, whatever you want.”

SQUIRE

I told you not to bet me. Unfair odds.

She preps to slap him again.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

Anything to eat around here?

The cabin door opens and Freya storms down. Dave hangs behind near the cabin.

NANCY

Better let me handle this.

Freya takes Squire by the shirt pushing her knuckles into his chin.

FREYA

Why are you really here?

SQUIRE

Sweetheart, I never took you for the feisty type.

Freya drags him over the the fire and threatens to thrust his head into it.

FREYA

What do you plan to do to my gorillas?

NANCY

Freya, please. We just want to get past them. We need a guide to Gorilla Rock.

SQUIRE

We don’t have to rush if you want to take me back to that cabin of yours.

FREYA

You’re not going to hurt my gorillas?

SQUIRE

What we’re looking for is—

NANCY

—Squire! She doesn’t need to know.

Freya throws Squire down and Nancy helps him up making sure he’s okay.

FREYA

What is it you’re looking for?

SQUIRE

Apart from the good time you’re giving us?

FREYA

You want past my gorillas? I want to know why.

NANCY

We can’t tell you.

FREYA

Then I can’t help you.

SQUIRE

Fine—

NANCY

—Squire—

SQUIRE

—It’s the only way, Nance.

FREYA

Tell me!

SQUIRE

If we tell you we gotta burn your camp down.

Freya thrusts a torch into the flames and lights it, then points it toward Squire.

NANCY

You have a way with people.

SQUIRE

Told you, when it comes to women, I’m on fire.

Freya lifts the torch back and looks like she’s going to swing it at Squire but Nancy intervenes.

NANCY

An ancient artefact, taken from London and buried here. We’ve come to retrieve it.

FREYA

And my gorillas?

NANCY

We want them safe. That’s why we need you.

Freya relinquishes her threatening stance and thrusts the torch into Squire’s hand.

FREYA

Careful with that. (to Nancy). I’ll go get my things. I suggest you do the same, but bring all of it. I don’t want you back.

Freya storms off to her cabin.

SQUIRE

What do you think?

NANCY

I told you it would work.

SQUIRE

I told you.

NANCY

I thought it up.

SQUIRE

I made that thought reality.

NANCY

We…we made it happen.

SQUIRE

Right, we. (looking at the torch). Know how to put these things out?

NANCY

Blow on it.

SQUIRE

Let’s get to it, shall we.

Squire tosses the torch aside. It lands in the mess tent and sets it on fire.

NANCY

What are you doing?

SQUIRE

About to get rich and famous, sweetheart.

The mess tent spreads in flames.

SQUIRE

You said I couldn’t make a fire.

NANCY

Why did it have to be you?

Freya bursts out of her cabin and charges towards them.

FREYA

I knew it. I knew it. You’re trying to chase me out.

SQUIRE

What’s she holding?

NANCY

A gun, Squire. We needed a guide…that’s all.

Freya holds the gun up while marching at them.

NANCY

Why’s she aiming at me?

FREYA

Shut up! Shut up!

SQUIRE

Yeah, Nance. Jacob-Two-Two wants you to stop jabbering.

Freya turns the gun at Squire’s head, and cocks it.

FREYA

They’ll never get my gorillas.

BLAM!!

[Danielle Dillard]

Very amusing characters and I liked the dialogue. Very visual piece as well. Nicely done.

[Christi Falk]

QE Cycle 3 Revision

Not so much a revision as a repaste. Just couldn’t figure out where to emphasize things. I was also really sick this week so trying to catch up with everything. Also, it’s just incredibly disheartening to pour your heart into several independently different writing samples that we’re just not allowed the rights to. Never experienced this in a course before in my life.

Logline: Nancy and Squire are determined to complete their team building exercises, with disastrous results.

Essence: Two people work for their own success to the detriment of the other. There’s no I in Team but there’s definitely a C in Crazy.

FADE IN:

INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS – DAY

NANCY, 30s, in coordinated denim and flannel stands in the doorway beside SQUIRE, 30s, a breezy hunk holding a line full of fish. The one room cabin has a semi modern kitchen with plumbing facing a living room with a fireplace.

As they enter, the cabin door SLAMS shut behind them.

SQUIRE

So! Fish or fire?

Nancy grabs the fishing line from him and walks towards the kitchen counter.

NANCY

You can get the fire, hot stuff.

Squire smiles one of his million watt smiles and Nancy purposely doesn’t look.

SQUIRE

You think you’re immune to my charm but I see through you.

He takes off his jacket to reveal a figure hugging sweater, throwing it on the coat tree nearby.

SQUIRE

I know you made sure we were paired together.

Nancy places the fish on the counter and pulls out yellow rubber gloves from inside a cupboard, struggling to put them on.

NANCY

Relax, Romeo. When I saw the team building tasks, this is the only one that doesn’t involve outdoor activities. Easy access to indoor plumbing-

She gestures a gloved hand towards a doorway off the kitchen.

NANCY

Also, we’re sure not to be left for too long as the accounting twins have a thing for you.

Squire runs a rugged hand through his full head of hair then looks at the open fireplace. Nancy carefully unhooks each fish from the line and places them in one of the two sink basins in the counter.

NANCY

Do you know what you’re doing?

SQUIRE

Men have been lighting fires for centuries.

He surveys the woodpile then looks back at her as she places each fish in the sink.

SQUIRE

You’ve cleaned fish before?

Nancy snorts.

NANCY

How hard can it be. They spend their whole lives in water. Nothing cleaner than that.

SQUIRE

Great! More fish guts for you.

Nancy makes a face at him as she finishes placing the fish in the sink, then begins to look in the cupboards. Squire looks around the mantle and cubbies until he locates some matches. He looks to see if Nancy’s watching before placing the extra box in his jeans.

NANCY

Aha!

She pulls out a bottle of soap from below. Squire has lit the newspaper he crumbled with a match and is blowing on it, putting in twigs. The fire SNUFFS out.

SQUIRE

Okay, take two!

NANCY

You okay?

SQUIRE

Never better! Just getting a feel for her.

Nancy rolls her eyes at his shapely backside as she runs the cold water and puts the soap on the fish. The sink is filled to half capacity.

Squire crumples more paper and has more twigs this time. Again he lights the fire. Smoke builds in the cabin.

NANCY

Hey, shouldn’t that be going up a chimney or something?

Nancy is distracted as the fish begin to jump out of the sink. She SCREAMS as Squire finds and opens the fume hood. A WHOOSH as the fire is kindled and roars, taking Squire’s eyebrows with them.

They stare at each other.

NANCY

I could draw them back with an eyeliner.

A roar of an engine approaches.

FADE OUT.

[Susan]

I think we should do as much as we can to elevate these scenes. If we were working as paid screenwriters on projects the work would not belong to us, and our scripts don’t belong to us once we sell them either. Think of it as… the better writing – the elevation being your pay, because doing it better than so many others will get you work. I know I said I didn’t want to make a screenplay out of the 1st Cycle assignment, but elevating that scene and each scene we’re assigned, and then elevating it even more is important. It is the only real way for us to get better at it.

[Christi Falk]

Thank you Susan, you’re right. I’ll work harder with my next prompt. As always, appreciate the truth! 🙂

[Susan]

Hi Christi, I’ll get to your feedback soon. I’ve been feeling really ill the past few days.

[Danielle Dillard]

I like the comedic elements, especially the part where she offers to draw them on with eyeliner 🙂 Nicely done dialogue as well.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 3 REVISION

SITUATION/LOGLINE: ALTERNATE HISTORY
Two people the Husband – SQUIRE, (trusted Esquire of the King) and his Wife ANNE – who don’t actually trust each other are tasked an urgent demand from their Sovereign, King Henry VII.

ESSENCE:
Esquire of the Hamlet and his wife each desire to be the most appreciated and trusted of the King. It is impossible.

FADE IN:

INT/EXT CONTINUOUS:

MANOR HOUSE MORNING

The SOUND of HORSE’S HOOVES on GRAVEL

NANCY and SQUIRE open the door and both come out to greet the RIDER.
The RIDER is one of King Henry VII Yeoman of the Guard. He is dressed in a red cloak and has the King’s shield embroidered on his clothes. He pulls the reigns, the horse NEIGHS and stops.

RIDER
(Reaching out with folded parchment)
I have a sealed warrant from King Henry VII.

SQUIRE reaches out for it in a flourish, but too late… Nancy (Anne) sneaks underneath his armpit and grabs the missive.

ANNE offers her hand to the Yeoman of the Guard. The RIDER takes it, bows his head slightly and releases it.

ANNE
(Truly meaning this)
Thank you valiant gentleman.

RIDER
(Waiting)
The King insisted you read this before I leave and get your reply.

SQUIRE
We would be pleased…

ANNE
(Interrupting)
…to do whatever our King asks of us. Tell him he can count on us.

RIDER
(Tips his Bonnet)
I will indeed relay your message.

SQUIRE waves a toodle-oo.

RIDER gallops away on his horse.

SQUIRE
(Nibbling Anne’s ear and slipping the parchment away)
Nancy dearest, allow me.

ANNE is not pleased and tries unsuccessfully to grab the parchment back.

ANNE
Let us read it together.

SQUIRE
(Feeling his waistcoat for his glasses)
I seem to have left my glasses in my chamber.

ANNE
(Forcefully taking the parchment back)
I’ll read it aloud shall I?

SQUIRE surrounds her with his arms as she reads. He tickles her.

ANNE
My dear trusted friends we have been through so much together already, and now I must ask you to help me again.

SQUIRE rubs his nose on ANNE’s cheek. She sticks her finger up it.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Finding her place)
I am advancing a new council, the Star Chamber, but it must be kept secret for now.

SQUIRE
I told you he trusted me.

ANNE
Hush. Ah. A secret Star Chamber. How exciting. I’m sure I will do exactly what’s needed.

SQUIRE
(Doing a little jig.)
I will make a lavish welcome!

ANNE smacks SQUIRE on the arm.

ANNE
You know what a tightwad he is. Don’t be foolish. You don’t want our land confiscated do you?

SQUIRE winks at her and smiles broadly.

SQUIRE
Hurry up and finish reading, I want to know when they will be coming.

ANNE
Stop interrupting me then…
(Reading)
There has been too much ire in the Kingdom already. We will arrive the morrow midday. I will require a luncheon and places to freshen up and sleep for the 50 participants, and for Queen Elizabeth, her ladies in waiting, and my closest advisors and dressers. The Knights and soldiers can camp outside in their tents, however they will need nourishment, refreshment, and remember the horses as well, water and hay. Make sure there is sufficient room for the carriages.

ANNE stares at SQUIRE and gasps. She rereads that part to herself. SQUIRE shrugs.

ANNE (CONT’D)
Make sure the luncheon is bountiful with food for everyone, but not extravagant. You will be remunerated upon my arrival.

ANNE deeply elbows SQUIRE’s ribs.

SQUIRE
Hurry up I have to get myself ready.

ANNE
If you think you’re going to leave me with all the work while you go off and primp, you are mistaken.

SQUIRE looks down and then up at ANNE with puppy dog eyes. Smiles broadly showing her his beautiful white teeth.

SQUIRE
Now Nancy darling, would I do that to you?

SQUIRE snuggles up to ANNE again.

ANNE
Don’t call me Nancy, I’m in no mood. And you’re not a horse. No need to show me your teeth.
(Slapping his hands away)
And yes you have done that before… more times than I could count.

ANNE drags SQUIRE into the kitchen to speak to Mary the COOK. On the way she pulls a velvet sack out of a drawer.

SQUIRE trips on a crack in the floor and falls. His hand is bleeding.

ANNE pulls down a plaster from a cupboard and fixes him up while she is speaking.

ANNE
Mary dear, We have been ordered by the King to have luncheon for about 100 persons tomorrow. We will need fowl and fish, fruits, roots, and greens, and desert, but be thrifty.

ANNE hands COOK the entire sack of coins.

SQUIRE
(Stepping in front of Anne)

I would also like a new silk handkerchief.

COOK
(Curtsying)
Yes Madame, Squire.

SQUIRE
(Twirling one corner of his mustache, winking at Cook)
That’s Esquire. I am the mayor of this Hamlet.

COOK
(Turning slightly red)
Sorry Sir.

ANNE looks on from behind in disbelief, then steps on the back of SQUIRE’S shoe so he loses his balance a bit.

SQUIRE
(Shaking his foot and turning to Anne)
Can I get you a glass of wine, Cherie.

ANNE
(Pushing forward toward Cook)
And dear, please see who you can get to help you.

COOK EXITS

ANNE is writing down a list.

ANNE (CONT’D)
Luncheon Menu, Clean Stables, Procure Help for Horses & Carriages, Fill Troughs, Procure Household Help, Fetch Bedding Out of Storage, Dust Chambers, Lay out Chamber Pots, Cut flowers for the Queen….

SQUIRE
That’s very impressive darling.

SQUIRE sneaks out of the kitchen and upstairs to his Chambers. He puts on his glasses, dabs perfume behind each ear, curls the ends of his mustache, dons his newest Bonnet and fluffs the feathers while admiring himself in a mirror.

ANNE comes charging in.

ANNE
I knew I couldn’t trust you to do anything worthwhile. See this?

ANNE thrusts the list into SQUIRE’S face.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Pointing to each)
You get this done, and this done, and this done!

SQUIRE taking off his Bonnet and placing it gingerly on his dressing table. He sidles up to ANNE and grabs her breast.

ANNE picks up the hat in one hand, and uses the other to pick up a large hand mirror and whack him on the head with the metal back. It leaves a filigree design on his forehead. She walks to the door and puts the Bonnet on her head tapping the top lightly and sliding the long feather through her fingers.

ANNE (CONT’D)
And you won’t get it back until you’re done. You don’t want to start another war do you? We just finished one.
(Curtsying)
Squire.

SQUIRE huffs down the stairs.

ANNE follows slowly and stops in front of a mirror to admire herself, pinch her cheeks, straighten the Bonnet, and fix her hair. She uses both the landing mirror and the hand mirror to see the back of her head. She walks down the stairs back into the large hall.
ANNE opens a large door to a side room where all the extra bedding is kept. She begins to count.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Talking to herself)
Oh, dear we need more bedding.

SQUIRE ENTERS he is pushing a large cage strapped on to a rolling board. He is carrying a whip.

ANNE starts at the noise, turns and gasps.

There is a Bengal Tiger in the cage.

SQUIRE
(Grinning from ear to ear)
Surprise!

ANNE backs away from the cage.

The TIGER is HISSING and GROWLING now.

ANNE
What is that?!

SQUIRE
It’s a Bengal Tiger.
(Bending closer to the cage)
Hello little Tiger aren’t you a sweet boy.

The TIGER GROWLS at him and SWAPS at the cage which shudders. His paws are gigantic.

ANNE
I know what it is, but why exactly do you have it and what is it doing here?

SQUIRE
(Laughing)
So I can impress the King. Don’t you love it?

ANNE
Absolutely not you fool!

The TIGER lifts up its leg and pisses on SQUIRE.

SQUIRE
My good stuff!

ANNE
(Holding her nose)
That smell’ll be difficult to remove before the King arrives.

Suddenly the cage door cracks open, the TIGER pushes it with his head, and tentatively steps out.

ANNE and SQUIRE dash to the STABLES to hide.

SQUIRE trips over his whip. ANNE pulls him up.

They can HEAR the TIGER roaring, approaching them as they bolt the doors.

SQUIRE tries to get close to ANNE but she pushes him away. He waves his arms trying to keep his balance, but falls hard, feet in the air above him, into a pile of hay.

The HORSES smelling the urine of the predator bray and stomp.

ANNE
You smell like a rat’s ass… I don’t suppose you know how to catch a Tiger?

ANNE glares at SQUIRE who is still smiling!

ANNE (CONT’D)
I hope you think of something soon. You don’t want to wind up like the Princes in the Tower do you ?

FADE OUT.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting

[Danielle Dillard]

Very interesting. I like the time period and the tiger was a twist I wasn’t expecting. Your Squire was very amusing. Interesting read!

[Danielle Dillard]

Essence/Logline: A former couple at odds try to work together as they deal with their unresolved feelings for one another.

INT. BAKERY, KITCHEN – DAY

The large well-stocked kitchen is full of modern equipment and appliances.

NANCY, early 30s and attractive, wears a chef’s hat and apron as she sets ingredients on the table.

SQUIRE, early 30s and handsome, confidently strides in and sees Nancy. He pauses, smirks and struts to her. She’s in deep concentration studying a recipe.

SQUIRE

Of all the kitchens, in all the towns, in all the world… she’s right in front of me.

Startled, Nancy looks up and sees him. She’s disgusted.

NANCY

No…

SQUIRE

Oh, yeah.

NANCY

No…

SQUIRE

We’re partners.

Nancy heads to the door.

NANCY

I’ll tell Mr. Chey he made –

SQUIRE

No mistake. He randomly paired us up to make the souffle for the new food critic of Love It or Barf It Magazine.

Nancy reluctantly goes back to the recipe.

NANCY

Lucky me.

SQUIRE

You read the recipe. I’ll mix.

NANCY

I’m putting my own spin on it.

SQUIRE

Bad idea, Nancy.

NANCY

Shut up, Squire. You were the one who burned that creme brulee last year.

SQUIRE

Who turned up the heat when I wasn’t looking?

Nancy looks away.

SQUIRE

Right.

NANCY

That was a mistake.

SQUIRE

That was a scheme to mess up my desert when we were competing in that cooking contest. We both know who should’ve won. I never should’ve trusted you to turn up the heat.

NANCY

Two cups sugar.

Squire gets the sugar, measures and dumps it in a bowl.

NANCY

Four egg whites.

Squire gets the eggs.

SQUIRE

So why didn’t you call me back last week?

NANCY

I was busy. Stick of butter.

Squire gets the butter.

SQUIRE

Not too busy to meet with Brad.

NANCY

What are you talking about? I wasn’t with Brad.

SQUIRE

He told me you went to dinner with him.

NANCY

And?

SQUIRE

You seeing him?

NANCY

Chocolate, chopped.

Squire gets a block of chocolate and begins cutting it.

NANCY

He knows the owner of a new cafe that’s looking for a chef. I wanted to give him my resume.

SQUIRE

I should’ve known.

NANCY

Should’ve known what?

SQUIRE

It’s always for YOUR benefit, isn’t it?

NANCY

Vanilla extract. Two teaspoons. Who I have dinner with is no longer your business. We broke up, remember?

SQUIRE

As I reflect on your words, it’s not you, it’s my career… makes it hard to forget.

Squire gets the vanilla extract.

NANCY

You know, you’re like vegetable lasagna. Complicated and mushy.

SQUIRE

And you’re like steak tartare. Cold and tasteless.

NANCY

Make the souffle yourself!

SQUIRE

Fine!

Squire snatches the recipe and does it himself. Nancy grabs a piece of chocolate and eats. Squire laughs.

NANCY

What?!

SQUIRE

Still eat chocolate during an argument, huh.

Nancy smiles. She glances at the oven.

NANCY

You forgot to turn on the oven, as usual.

Squire turns it on.

NANCY

Not hot enough. I’ll turn up –

SQUIRE

Oh, no, you don’t. I’ll turn up the heat.

NANCY

What, you don’t trust me to turn up the heat?

SQUIRE

I trusted you before and paid a price.

Nancy turns up the oven and winks at him as Squire pours the mixed contents in a baking dish.

NANCY

The heat is turned up.

Squire moves closer to Nancy. They lean into one another as though they’ll kiss.

SQUIRE

Yes, it is.

He grabs a piece of chocolate and feeds it to her. He puts the souffle in the oven. They watch it.

SQUIRE

This is the fun part.

NANCY

Watching the souffle rise.

SQUIRE

Like our relationship?

NANCY

It would deflate. It already has.

SQUIRE

We can re-bake it like we did that apple pie last year. And that apple pie was good.

NANCY

You’re too cocky. All you care about is being top chef.

SQUIRE

No, all YOU care about is being top chef. All I care about is you. Look… the souffle is rising. That’s a good omen, right?

Nancy and Squire look at the souffle rising. Suddenly it deflates. Nancy kisses him and leaves the kitchen. MR. CHEY, late 50s and in business suit, frantically rushes in the kitchen.

MR. CHEY

The food critic is here! He wants to taste the souffle now! My bakery is on the line! Where’s the souffle?!

Squire pulls the deflated souffle out of the oven and notices the oven temperature reads, “500 DEGREES.” Mr. Chey is devastated.

MR. CHEY

Oh, no! What did you do?!

SQUIRE

I trusted her to turn up the heat.

[Susan]

Hi Danielle,

I liked some changes and in some of the dialogue I like the original better. It was faster and neater. Wait a couple of weeks and then reread both posts and see how you feel. Also read the old and new scene out loud, you’ll see how some of the new dialogue is clunkier and more difficult to say for an actor. Some of the insults remind me of Woody Allen dialogue. Well done!

[Danielle Dillard]

Hi Susan, thank you, that’s a good idea about reading it out loud. I’ll do that. Thank you kindly for the feedback.

[Christi Falk]

Danielle,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. Usually I dedicate my computer time for the weekends. Work has been absorbing!

Loved the characters. They embody the logline and the subtext of their dialogue is very clever and clear. You’ve used the tools to great effect.

I would say the main take away is that they’ve resolved that they can’t work together but they’re not too upset about it. This would be an interesting short to a main feature. You should consider it!

When you get to the place where we discuss in comments to form a writing group, message me with the contact info I’ve provided. By then you’ll have gotten the skills enough for where we are.

I’m very focused on a January 31st deadline now so you aren’t missing much!

Have an awesome weekend and I look forward to your next story. 🙂

Christi

[Danielle Dillard]

Hi Christi, thank you for the feedback, much appreciated. I’ll think about turning it into a feature. Ok, will let you know when I get to the part of discussing the comments, thanks again 🙂