Lesson 15

[Mary Albanese]

QE3 – Second Draft
WHAT I LEARNED: When I wrote the first draft of this scene my goal was to try to fit all the new maximum interest techniques, character traits, and subtext into a scene with as few pages as possible. I think I got most of it in within 3 pages, and I didn't think I could possibly make it better. But then I started thinking of ways I could add more of the first set of interest techniques to really stuff them in. That was a fun idea. More pieces of the puzzle to slot in. So in this second draft, the scene grew from 3 pages to 5, and it feels much richer now. It seems like the more interest techniques I add, the more doorways are open to me to add even more interest techniques, character emotions, and up the suspense.

LOGLINE: Two soldiers in a combat situation must learn to work together or die.

ESSENCE: The enemy soldiers aren't their biggest problem, it is the toxic combination of their own flaws that defeats them.

EXT. JUNGLE WAR ZONE – DAY
Bullets fly as Sgt. Nancy Shaw and Lt. Doug Squire duck behind a small mound together to escape the bullets whizzing by.

SQUIRE
Why are they shooting at me? I didn’t do anything to them.

NANCY
We’re 100 miles behind enemy lines, you dolt. Where’s the Captain? I don’t see him. He was right in front of me.

SQUIRE
Who cares about him? He’s the one who got us into this mess.

NANCY
Look, you sorry excuse of a soldier. We’ve got to find Cap. He could be hurt up there.

SQUIRE
Why worry about him? With him out of the picture, I’m the ranking officer here, and I say we back out down the hill and get the hell out of here.

NANCY
Coward. I can’t believe they promoted you over me.

SQUIRE
Of course they did. They… wait. You’re not the one who told the general I was dating his daughter, are you?

NANCY
Me? I have no knowledge of any anonymous letter dropped on the general's… ooops.

SQUIRE
I guess I should thank you. Because when he asked around, BOTH the general’s daughters told him he should promote me.

NANCY
You sleazeball! Quit wasting time. We’ve got to go out there and find Cap!

SQUIRE
No way. I’m in charge and I say we don’t put ourselves in danger looking for him, we head back down the hill the same way we came. And that’s an order, Sergeant!

NANCY
I… don't think so.

SQUIRE
Excuse me?!?

NANCY
How about this, Lieutenant. Cap has the radio codes on him. Sure, you and I could make it back to the bottom of the hill. But we’ll still be in enemy territory. We’ll never get airlifted out of here without those codes that Cap has in his pocket.

SQUIRE
Shit. Okay. I’ll stay here behind this mound, and you go up ahead, find him, and get those codes off him.

NANCY
You’re going to make me go ahead, while you hide behind this mound?

SQUIRE
I’m not hiding, I’m strategizing. And I’ll tell you my plans when I feel like it.

NANCY
You mean, you don’t have a plan. You’d better get one quick because the snipers could be moving in.

SQUIRE
Look. One of us has to go ahead and get those codes off Cap. And lucky me, I am the one giving the orders here. So GO!

The bullets STOP. It’s an eerie silence.

NANCY
The shooting! They’ve stopped. They’re gone. Now is your chance to rush up the hill, and prove you deserved that promotion. I’m sure they’ll give you a hero’s medal for that.

SQUIRE
Nice try. But seriously, Nancy, I’m glad it’s you here behind this mound with me. I’ve always wanted to tell you how I’ve admired you. You are the bravest…

NANCY
You’re trying to schmooze me, even here? How dumb do you think I am? We both know those snipers out there haven’t left, they’re just trying to draw us out. They’ll blast away as soon as one of us steps out.

SQUIRE
And lucky me, I’m STILL in charge and you have to do what I say. So get out there and find Cap.

NANCY
Wait. Listen. Did you hear that? I heard a gunshot — but it sounded really far away.

SQUIRE
Yes, you’re right! Do you think they’ve moved off? That they don’t know we’re here?

NANCY
Maybe. Let’s test it.

Nancy puts her helmet on a stick. Nudges it up so it’s just barely poking above the mound.
They wait, breathless. So quiet they can hear their own heartbeats thumping in their chests.

Nothing happens.

SQUIRE
(quiet)
Higher. Push it up higher.

She does.

Again, nothing. No gunshots. Nothing at all.

SQUIRE
I think it’s safe.

NANCY
Let’s go! Help me find Cap and drag him back to safety.

SQUIRE
No, you go find him. That’s an order. I like you, Nancy, and I’d hate to have to report you for insubordination.

Nancy looks out. Overhead, the clouds part. The sun shines down on a beautiful day. It does seem safe.

A hundred feet away, behind a small shrub, an enemy sniper brushes the sweat off his face, his gun pointed at their mound. His hands shake as he tries to steady his aim.

But all Nancy sees is the sweet grass swaying in the gentle breeze.

NANCY
Squire, I was wrong to question a direct order. You’re right — you’re the man in charge. I’ll go ahead.

He smiles.

SQUIRE
That’s my girl.

She turns to head out, but stops.

NANCY
By the way, Cap doesn’t have the radio codes, I have them. I only said that so you’d help me find him because I know what a selfish jerk you are. So if they shoot me, you are toast, too, never to party your way through this war like you intended. And everyone will know it was your ‘leadership’ that got us both killed. Which means they’ll know they made a big freaking mistake promoting you instead of me.

She stomps out from behind the mound to charge up the hill.

SQUIRE
Wait, Nancy! I changed my mind! Come back! Come back! Come….

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Jeremy Kirk]

QE3 – Second Draft

WHAT I LEARNED: Some of the max interest techniques don't always apply. For example, the hook. My story begins with two window washers who are arguing. Not the strongest start to a scene. It could of been changed to two zombie window washers having the same argument. That would of been more of a hook. It would of also been more of a gimmick.

LOGLINE: Two window washer fight with one another while hanging twenty stories against a high rise.

ESSENCE: There is a deeper conflict at hand than just personalities, and Vicky is about to give the greatest ultimatum.

EXT. HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Two window washers work at opposite ends of the platform using long poles to soap and clean the windows.
NANCY, a shaved headed staunch lesbian with tattoo sleeve down one arm and a bandana around her head, drags the pole down with a SQUELCH of clean window.
Her partner, SQUIRE, is a fit gay man with a half shirt and his bandana tied around his neck like a scarf.
NANCY
I swear Squire, I could have washed both sides of these windows already?
SQUIRE
That’s because I’m distracted by all these men.
He blows a kiss and waves to the businessman working on the other side.
NANCY
And why aren’t you wearing your fall harness? You wanna die?
SQUIRE
Bitch, like you care? Besides bright orange doesn’t go with my eyes.
NANCY
Neither will your skull if you fall twenty stories.
Nancy hits the hoist motor and it stalls out.
SQUIRE
You should use some of that money your saving for your next tattoo and get that fixed.
Nancy kicks it and it starts to descend.
NANCY
It’s fine, see, still works.
As they pass a new floor, Squire pulls down his shorts and exposes his happy trail.
NANCY
Bro, seriously? Start working.
Squire places the long poled squeegee in the bucket which sloshes liquid soap out onto the platform and over his work boots.
SQUIRE
I think my soap and water solution isn’t correct? I think it’s leaving a film on the windows?
NANCY
You should have been in early, and checked it this morning.
SQUIRE
Honey, one needs time to look this good.
NANCY
So now it’s my fault you can’t clean a window?
SQUIRE
Geez, somebodies a bitch this morning.
NANCY
Yeah, well, when were you going to tell me about you and Carlo breaking up?
SQUIRE
I don’t know who you get your information from –
NANCY
He’s my brother ass hat, who do you think?
SQUIRE
We had a falling out?
NANCY
A falling out? He told me he found you in bed with three other men?
Squire gets a sly little smirk.
SQUIRE
Four.
NANCY
Four! I don’t even know logistically how that would work. You broke his heart man, you really did.
Squire sloshes the window, spots a man looking out and draws a heart on the window with his finger.
SQUIRE
Oww.
He places his finger in his mouth and pouts.
NANCY
What did I tell you when you started dating my brother?
With the finger still in his mouth.
SQUIRE
To not break his heart.
NANCY
That’s right. And what would happen if I found out you broke his heart?
Finger still in mouth like a pacifier.
SQUIRE
Consequences.
NANCY
That’s right, consequences. And in this situation, what should the consequences consist of?
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE
A spanking?
NANCY
How about your wash bucket being filled with soap and a large amount of nitric acid?
Squire looks at the bucket that’s been springing leaks and creating a puddle over the platform.
NANCY
You see nitric acid won’t harm windows. So, the glass will be fine. However…
The medal platform ruptures, the metal dissolved away. Squire falls through the hole and catches himself with both hands on the metal.
His torso dangles below the wash platform. He SCREAMS for help.
Nancy walks over to the hoist motor and starts the slow descent down.
NANCY
Maybe this piece of shit can get you down in time. Maybe you die wishing you wore your fall harness?
As Squire holds the metal, the acid HISSES and he has to move his hands constantly.
NANCY
Fuck with my brother’s heart again and see what’s what.
The platform CREAKS as it lowers its way to the sidewalk.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.