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Lesson 16
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Time’s Outline Version 1
Title: WAR SURPLUS
First Logline: 5 victims of war fight to survive being passengers in a demon-haunted battle ambulance and an active war Zone.Outline 1:
Opening Scene:
1. EXT – AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
THREE MEN in Russian uniforms kneel surrounded by Afghani fighters, all weapons trained on the prisoners. They refuse to get into the offered vehicle. The Afghani leader orders them shot.
Horror situation: Russian fighters refuse getting into an old ambulance and are shot.
Apprehension: Russian prisoners might have a chance to live, but are stubborn.
Fear: would rather die than ride in that.
Suspense: Surely they can go along, though one of them is cracking down. They are killed.2. EXT –OUTSIDE SAN ANGELO, TEXAS – NIGHT
CHAS kicked from a pick-up and savagely beaten. He tries to get help from a locked truck lot. Sees a man in white who lets him in and shows him to an old ambulance, a Dodge Wc54 truck ambulance, circa WWII. Chaz catches a glimpse of guy’s face. Whatever it is, it ain’t human, or at least a living one. Chaz screams. . .
Horror Situation: Meeting a stranger late at night, needing help
Fear: Strange guy, somethings not right.
Shock: His face is a living skull with shining eyes. . .3. INT – TRUCK, AFGHANISTAN CITY – DAY.
Chas awakens with his left hand cuffed to the steering wheel of the antique war surplus truck in Afghanistan and the war is still going on around him. The only modern equipment is some blinking camera devices in the Dashboard and the back of the truck: who is watching? U.S. Soldier Ambrose is forced to use Chaz to drive the truck to rendezvous with the others JAMES HOWARD, PVT. DIANE SIKOWSKI, RAFI SAWRIZ, SALA MUHAMMED, and her baby ALI. They are fired upon as they escape.4. INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Ambrose gets the truck to mechanic. The Mechanic is shocked when touching the truck. Has a vision, but can’t find any damage.
5. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
While alone in the truck, Sikowski also sees unexplainable vision of a Nazi. GUNFIRE ERUPTS NEARBY.
• Horror Situation: Seeing a Nazi appear and disappear in the truck
• Horror emotions Fear of insanity and the irrational.
• Scares: Words are being etched into the side of the truck.
• Releases: The others load up and all seems the way it was.
• Monster reveals: something is in this truck.
6 INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Rafi (the Translator) Warns them they will not get to Mosul and because of the truck refuses to go with them. As the enemy moves in on the station, Mechanic Throws tools and cans of gas in the back and goes with them out of town.
7. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Mechanic Cousins is knocked unconscious in the escape from the city. He sees himself killed in war, a Japanese sword swings towards his neck. Upon waking, he is relieved that it was just an illusion.
8. INT/EXT – TRUCK – DAY
Visibility has gone down to zero in blowing sand. Ambrose tells Cousins to lift himself out and see if he can get their bearings. Sikowski volunteers but Cousins does it. He sticks his head above the truck and a low hung radio wire contacts his neck. The Mechanic is decapitated.
• Horror Situation: Eric wakes from Nightmare, and then lives it.
• Horror emotions Apprehension, dread.
• Scares: Irrational punishment, decapitation.
• Releases: Sword was just a dream, in a truck alive.
• Monster reveals: The truck manipulates dreams and lives
9. INT – TRUCK – DAY
There is mayhem inside the ambulance. Sikowski wants to recover the body, but Howard won’t have it. They berate Ambrose for his sacrificing Cousins. Howard takes command.
10. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
After losing control of his weapon, Ambrose finds himself across from a man dressed in a white suit. Chaz is no longer there. The driver’s side window opens and the cab is filled with foul, burning fumes. Ambrose literally starts falling apart. He stumbles into the back and finds himself unharmed.
• Horror Situation: Ambrose, angry at Howard, is vulnerable to the truck.
• Horror emotions anger, loss of power.
• Scares: He is dissolved
• Releases: Weird old man, got to get a grip. Just a bad dream.
• Monster reveals: The truck is working on his sanity.11. INT – TRUCK – DAY
A discussion of mission and strategy with Howard, Sikowski and Ambrose about what is going on, as driver Chaz listens in. Sala remains silent. The only thing certain for Ambrose is that he has to get Howard, the truck and the mystery cargo to Mosul. James Howard is with a company called Blackwater, and demands they get him there ASAP.12. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz drives on. SHOTS wake everyone in the back of the truck. One of the gasoline cans is tipped over and is leaking around someone’s boots.13. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz wants to stop but they drive on.14. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
The group in the back trying not to succumb to sleep. The man in white is seen again. Howard has a vision and is killed in it. Gun fires and nails Howard through the skull, as in the hallucination.• Horror Situation: a vision of Vlad Tsepes and has a nightmare of having his hat nailed to his head
• Horror emotions : Fear, Insanity.
• Scares: Hat nailed on his head.
• Releases: Just a dream?
• Monster reveals: No one is safe. Renew desire to get out of there.15. INT. – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz needs a bathroom break. The survivors decide to drive until there is a place along the highway that they can pull over safely. Fight between Howard and Sitkowski and a thrown match falls into the leaking gas. Ambrose’s gas-soaked uniform is ignited and he, their presumed leader, dies in fire.
16. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT
Sikowski is touched by Gray. She is in a room with the Nazi, Old and decaying. He puts the Luger in her mouth, but then gives her the luger. With broken bayonet he finishes the inscription on the truck wall: Wir sind die Holle. Zerstore UNS!.• Horror Situation: BEING TORTURED BY A DEAD NAZI
• Horror emotions: Dread, apprehension.
• Scares: decayed re-appearance of Nazi corpse.
• Releases: Only a dream, but not really. . .
• Monster reveals: Somehow there is a way to destroy this truck . . .. .17. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
SIKOWSKI wakes up and the Afghan women translates from the German: We are Hell. Destroy US! Yes, Sala speaks fluent English and other languages. They put together what needs to happen.18. EXT/INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz, still driving, sees the beings of the truck clawing onto the exterior of the truck. He sees the bloodied Howard and burnt Ambrose.Truck runs over an IED, EXPLOSION. The survivors finish the job and burn the Truck.19. EXT – DESERT – DAWN.
The next morning, the truck is again road worthy and waiting for them. Chaz heads into town. He drops off Sikowski, Sala, and Ali. He drives the truck into Mosul for the dropoff. Chaz sees all the entities haunting the truck, trying to prevent him from his goal. He is killed by a sniper’s bullet and the truck crashes.20. EXT – MOSUL STREET – DAY.
Resolution: Under US Surveillance, the WAR Surplus vehicle stands, yet again, pristine in the center of a Taliban stronghold. One of the Taliban fighters is lured to the truck, just as Chaz was. The cameras in the truck are still watching as the cycle starts again.
21. EXT – MOSUL – DAY
Sikowski, Sala, and the baby trudge through the city with Howard’s bags of American Dollars, searching for a way out of the war zone.-
Hi Timothy,
I’m ready to exchange feedbacks on our outline, if you’re interested. I’ll try to give my comments by June 12.
Jessica -
Hi Timothy,
You did a good job of keeping the outline short, readable and entertaining.
It was an incredibly entertaining outline and premise.
The logline set up the tone and genre really well. I was excited to read this.
What you promised in the logline was reflected in the outline. Well done!
I could totally see this as a movie.
I’ve included my notes in the outline at the bottom of each scene.
Some more observations:
Fears: You appeal to lots of primal fear (pain and torture, creatures, unknown, going insane). Well done!
Horror conventions: I could totally see how anybody would be pushed to the point of hysteria in this situations. Escalation of deaths worked really well.
Moral statement: not sure what it is, something about greed maybe? At the end, the good people get the money.
Mystery of the monster/villain: I would have liked to see an original story for the truck (there were a few hints, but nothing for sure)
Monster/villain: Who is the mystery grey man that keeps appearing with the truck in some scenes (need origin a story for him too) (see my comment under scene 21)
Monster villains: The fact that there is two villains – truck and mystery grey man – might be problematic, unless grey man is the key to defeating the truck? (again see comments under 21)
Rules of the monster: it influences your dreams. But can kill you in real life? Not sure. I got confused a little bit about what it can do. Did it get more powerful as the story progressed? If so , why? B ecause it can sense fear?
Characters: Develop the prisoners of war story a bit more, especially since they’ll be the only survivors at the end.
Give Chaz more of a back story by giving him more scenes in Act 1 (see comments under scene 2)
Scares and releases: you could add some more. The outline shows either full blown horror or everyday journey in the desert.We need some “in-between” scary moments.For more, see my comments under each numbered scenes:
Time’s Outline Version 1
Title: WAR SURPLUS
First Logline: 5 victims of war fight to survive being passengers in a demon-haunted battle ambulance and an active war Zone.
Great logline. I would watch this in a second!
Outline 1:
Opening Scene:
1. EXT – AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
THREE MEN in Russian uniforms kneel surrounded by Afghani fighters, all weapons trained on the prisoners. They refuse to get into the offered vehicle. The Afghani leader orders them shot.
Horror situation: Russian fighters refuse getting into an old ambulance and are shot.
Apprehension: Russian prisoners might have a chance to live, but are stubborn.
Fear: would rather die than ride in that.
Suspense: Surely they can go along, though one of them is cracking down. They are killed.1. Great opening scene. Mystery surrounding the vehicle is well established (establish evil). It’s clear solders are chosing death because the thing in the vehicle is worst then death.
2. EXT –OUTSIDE SAN ANGELO, TEXAS – NIGHT
CHAS kicked from a pick-up and savagely beaten. He tries to get help from a locked truck lot. Sees a man in white who lets him in and shows him to an old ambulance, a Dodge Wc54 truck ambulance, circa WWII. Chaz catches a glimpse of guy’s face. Whatever it is, it ain’t human, or at least a living one. Chaz screams. . .
Horror Situation: Meeting a stranger late at night, needing help
Fear: Strange guy, somethings not right.
Shock: His face is a living skull with shining eyes. . .2 a) I like the transition from the opening in Afghan to “modern day USA” where we get to meet the main character. I empathized with the main character Chaz immediately. However, for the presentation of the main character, I would avoid using a dream sequence. It took me out of the story a bit. I was confused when he was shown the ambulance (I wondered, the ambulance from afghan is now in Texas?) before I realized this was a dream sequence.
A good second scene alternate might be how is called to go to Afghan in Texas and has no choice to go. The audience would fear for him, knowing the danger he might face there. Then the next scenes could show him getting to know his troops and finally finding the ambulance during a mission and having no choice but to use it.
3. INT – TRUCK, AFGHANISTAN CITY – DAY.
Chas awakens with his left hand cuffed to the steering wheel of the antique war surplus truck in Afghanistan and the war is still going on around him. The only modern equipment is some blinking camera devices in the Dashboard and the back of the truck: who is watching? U.S. Soldier Ambrose is forced to use Chaz to drive the truck to rendezvous with the others JAMES HOWARD, PVT. DIANE SIKOWSKI, RAFI SAWRIZ, SALA MUHAMMED, and her baby ALI. They are fired upon as they escape.3) I like this scene a lot – how we go from black out to him being cuffed in the truck. It’s great. Unsettling. We’re plunged in the action. Where are they going? Who are these people with him?
Don’t know why Ambrose is forced to use Chaz to drive the truck, but that’s intriguing and it makes Chaz an unwilling participant. Is he being threatened?4. INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Ambrose gets the truck to mechanic. The Mechanic is shocked when touching the truck. Has a vision, but can’t find any damage.4) I love that the mechanic has a vision. Very spooky. We now understands there is something very wrong with his vehicles. However, I’d like to see more reaction from the mechanic because if something spooks him, he wouldn’t continue with his investigation, maybe he’d refuse to do any more investigating, quit, and just leave them stranded and they must wait till morning for another garage to open. This would add more complications for them.
5. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
While alone in the truck, Sikowski also sees unexplainable vision of a Nazi. GUNFIRE ERUPTS NEARBY.
• Horror Situation: Seeing a Nazi appear and disappear in the truck
• Horror emotions Fear of insanity and the irrational.
• Scares: Words are being etched into the side of the truck.
• Releases: The others load up and all seems the way it was.
• Monster reveals: something is in this truck.5) words being etched = Great! Spooky****
6 INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Rafi (the Translator) Warns them they will not get to Mosul and because of the truck refuses to go with them. As the enemy moves in on the station, Mechanic Throws tools and cans of gas in the back and goes with them out of town6) (what if he simply refused to go with them? He was spooked by the vision. Like the soldiers in scene 1, maybe he’d rather face death then go in the truck)
7. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Mechanic Cousins is knocked unconscious in the escape from the city. He sees himself killed in war, a Japanese sword swings towards his neck. Upon waking, he is relieved that it was just an illusion.7) Intriguing scene.
8. INT/EXT – TRUCK – DAY
Visibility has gone down to zero in blowing sand. Ambrose tells Cousins to lift himself out and see if he can get their bearings. Sikowski volunteers but Cousins does it. He sticks his head above the truck and a low hung radio wire contacts his neck. The Mechanic is decapitated.• Horror Situation: Eric wakes from Nightmare, and then lives it.
• Horror emotions Apprehension, dread.
• Scares: Irrational punishment, decapitation.
• Releases: Sword was just a dream, in a truck alive.
• Monster reveals: The truck manipulates dreams and lives8) (Who’s Eric? Ah, right, you mean Cousins. Had to go back to previous scene. Maybe says Cousins instead of Eric here)
9. INT – TRUCK – DAY
There is mayhem inside the ambulance. Sikowski wants to recover the body, but Howard won’t have it. They berate Ambrose for his sacrificing Cousins. Howard takes command.9) (All the scenes are great so far. At this point, though I was beginning to wonder what is going on with the other passengers, though. Hopefully you will add some scenes where they have conversation inside the truck. Maybe they’re afraid to be executed. Try to get Chaz by their side, etc.)
10. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
After losing control of his weapon, Ambrose finds himself across from a man dressed in a white suit. Chaz is no longer there. The driver’s side window opens and the cab is filled with foul, burning fumes. Ambrose literally starts falling apart. He stumbles into the back and finds himself unharmed.
• Horror Situation: Ambrose, angry at Howard, is vulnerable to the truck.
• Horror emotions anger, loss of power.
• Scares: He is dissolved
• Releases: Weird old man, got to get a grip. Just a bad dream.
• Monster reveals: The truck is working on his sanity.10) I really like the appearance of the weird old man. Super creepy. It’s full of mystery. Who is he? What is his role in this? I’m intrigued to know more. Can,t wait to find out. Well done! The suspense is palpable.
11. INT – TRUCK – DAY
A discussion of mission and strategy with Howard, Sikowski and Ambrose about what is going on, as driver Chaz listens in. Sala remains silent. The only thing certain for Ambrose is that he has to get Howard, the truck and the mystery cargo to Mosul. James Howard is with a company called Blackwater, and demands they get him there ASAP.11 ) I love that the goal is clearly established here. I was wondering where they are going. This scene came at the perfect time.
12. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz drives on. SHOTS wake everyone in the back of the truck. One of the gasoline cans is tipped over and is leaking around someone’s boots.12) (Wouldn’t someone smell the gas though? As an alternate scene, you could try something like this: everyone is out of the truck… As they are arguing…. Maybe they got a flat tired… the gasoline spills inside the truck… knowing a certain corporal likes to smoke when he is upset… as he approaches the truck with his smoke…. We think that,s it… the truck will explode, but he is stopped at the last second.This would add suspense)
(As Chaz drives, I’m reminded that I wasn’t sure why Chaz was driving in the first place. Why would aprisoner be driving? Is he still in handcuffed? )13. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz wants to stop but they drive on.13) (I was wondering in this scene: Why does he want to stop? What’s his state of mind? Does he not wanna go on because there is no good ending for him in Mosual? Consider having him confide and bong with one of the other prisoners. Maybe even forming alliance… and form a plan, like, let’s attack solders at the next stop, take the truck and save themselves?)
14. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
The group in the back trying not to succumb to sleep. The man in white is seen again. Howard has a vision and is killed in it. Gun fires and nails Howard through the skull, as in the hallucination.
• Horror Situation: a vision of Vlad Tsepes and has a nightmare of having his hat nailed to his head
• Horror emotions : Fear, Insanity.
• Scares: Hat nailed on his head.
• Releases: Just a dream?
• Monster reveals: No one is safe. Renew desire to get out of there.14) The group in the back trying not to succumb to sleep. (Why? because they know bad things happen when they sleep? )
This is the big advantage of having a group in a horror movie: you can kill them one by one. It’s a great horror story so far. It fits the genre perfectly. Love the spooky vision of the man in white and not knowing what he is so far.15. INT. – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz needs a bathroom break. The survivors decide to drive until there is a place along the highway that they can pull over safely. Fight between Howard and Sitkowski and a thrown match falls into the leaking gas. Ambrose’s gas-soaked uniform is ignited and he, their presumed leader, dies in fire.15) I like that they stop every once in awhile. In “road movies”, there’s always stops and it allows for a change of pace.
When you says “The survivors” It makes them sound like they are in the same boat together, working together. However, I feel there is an unbalance of power, because you have soldiers giving orders, and prisoners of war, and Chaz chained by handcuffs. Maybe change “the survivors” to “They” here. Or “The solders and the prisoners”. Once again, I’m not 100% I understand who is in truck. Who are the prisoners of war.
I love how the gas leak is used. However, I was wondering: one of them actually knows there’s gas and activiely throws a match, committing murder? Or is it an accident? Why is Ambrose uniform gas soaked? Not clear.16. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT
Sikowski is touched by Gray. She in a room with the Nazi, Old and decaying. He puts the Luger in her mouth, but then gives her the luger. With broken bayonet he finishes the inscription on the truck wall: Wir sind die Holle. Zerstore UNS!.
• Horror Situation: BEING TORTURED BY A DEAD NAZI
• Horror emotions: Dread, apprehension.
• Scares: decayed re-appearance of Nazi corpse.
• Releases: Only a dream, but not really. . . (the not really is intriguing)
• Monster reveals: Somehow there is a way to destroy this truck . . .. . (how do they come to that conclusion following that scene?)16) Oh, Sikowsky is a woman. I see. Didn’t realize it till now
German inscription = oooh! Cool! That part freaked me out! Well done. And you’ll tell us what it means later,hopefully?
Only a dream, but not really. . . = the not really is intriguing)
Somehow there is a way to destroy this truck . . .. . = how do they come to that conclusion following that scene?
17. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
SIKOWSKI wakes up and the Afghan women translates from the German: We are Hell. Destroy US! Yes, Sala speaks fluent English and other languages. They put together what needs to happen.17) Don’t understand why the powerful nazi ghosts would ask to be destroyed. Instead, what if there was a different message that only instilled more fear in the solders and made them fell hopeless, thinking they can never win? (kind of like a all in lost moment where they know they can’t win and want to stop trying)
18. EXT/INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz, still driving, sees the beings of the truck clawing onto the exterior of the truck. He sees the bloodied Howard and burnt Ambrose.Truck runs over an IED, EXPLOSION. The survivors finish the job and burn the Truck.18) Yay! I was cheering at the destruction of the truck.
19. EXT – DESERT – DAWN.
The next morning, the truck is again road worthy (the truck they just burned? Wouldn’t they be freaked out that it’s still there? Why would still go onboard? and waiting for them. Chaz heads into town. He drops off Sikowski, Sala, and Ali. He drives the truck into Mosul for the dropoff. Chaz sees all the entities haunting the truck, trying to prevent him from his goal. He is killed by a sniper’s bullet and the truck crashes.19) The truck they just burned is back? Wouldn’t they be freaked out that it’s still there? Why would still go onboard?
Oh no! the main character dies! I feel sad. I was rooting for Chaz. I wanted him to conquer this20. EXT – MOSUL STREET – DAY.
Resolution: Under US Surveillance, the WAR Surplus vehicle stands, yet again, pristine in the center of a Taliban stronghold. One of the Taliban fighters is lured to the truck, just as Chaz was. The cameras in the truck are still watching as the cycle starts again.20) (Oh, okay. I understand why Chaz had to die. The circle must begin again. Or, alternatively, if you want, you can have Chaz be injured, be delirious and the army, thinking he’s gone insane, sends home on med leave… while the truck continues to find new victim)
21. EXT – MOSUL – DAY
Sikowski, Sala, and the baby trudge through the city with Howard’s bags of American Dollars, searching for a way out of the war zone.21) (I must have missed the part where you mention Howards’s bags. And how they discovered it’s full of cash. We know very little about Sala in the outline, would be good to add a bit more. This way we are happy when they get the money, knowing it will help them and that at least something positive came out of this)
The mystery man (gray man) is never really explained. I thought he would play a bigger role… Maybe develop a potential origin story (eg. He was the mechanic of the original ambulance… that’s why it always comes back after you burn it… the mechanic guards it and makes it brand new…) Maybe he should be the guy they fight in the climax in the final battle. If they defeat him, they defeat the ambulance. (eg. Defeating him is the only way to kill the ambulance)-
This reply was modified 11 months ago by j T.
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This reply was modified 11 months ago by
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Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Outline Version 1
Title: Death Cleaning
Logline: Trapped in the basement of a building, a pregnant woman battles a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers.1. OPENING. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, STORAGE LOCKERS – NIGHT
JOHN (60) is attacked by a vicious creature.2. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
He dies of a heart attack.3. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna retrieves clothes from her purse and removes their anti-theft devices.4. EXT. PARK – DAY
Chasing a white rabbit, she almost gets hit by a car. MIKE (23), a passerby, stops to ask if she’s okay. His dog grabs the dead rabbit.5. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE – DAY
Mike escorts Joanna home. She kisses him.6. BEDROOM
They make love.
NEXT DAY.
She steals money from his wallet while he sleeps. He’s a cop! She hides clothes with store tags.7. LIVING ROOM
She practices yoga. Her arm is shaky. She massages her old shoulder injury. Hears spooky noise coming from the —8. KITCHEN
Mike’s dog throws up blood, bones, and fur at her feet.9. EXT. VETERINARIAN OFFICE, PARKING LOT – DAY
Mike holds a leash. No dog. She tries to console him. He knows she stole money from him and leaves her in the parking lot.10. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN – DAY
Joanna cleans the blood on the floor.11. INCITING INCIDENT. INT. BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up. Gets a phone call from Memento Mori.12. EXT. MEMENTO MORI FUNERAL HOME – DAY
She picks up her father’s urn and personal belongings at a “drive-thru” funeral. Finds his address and keys dangling from a white rabbit’s paw keychain.13. EXT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
A sign “NO PETS ALLOWED”.14. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
A picture of her father and his dog. No traces of the dog.
Texts Mike. He asks why she was chasing the rabbit. Strange noises. She chases a raccoon out of the apartment.15. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM- DAY
She wants to sleep in, but is awaken by footsteps. There’s someone in the apartment!16. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROM – DAY
She catches the BUILDING MANAGER (late 50s, leather vest) going through her father’s stuff.
He gives her five days to empty the place or he’ll charge her a month’s rent. He gives her business card of a junk removal company.17. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY
She meets her father’s neighbour MRS. LARSEN (70, bandaged hand) and ask about her father’s dog. She says pets are not allowed in the building, and shuts the door.18. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She looks for money, valuables, but apartment has been cleaned up (probably by Manager). She calls junk removal company.19. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM – DAY
She wakes up to find manager showing apartment to OLD MAN (a potential renter). Her body is exposed. Manager winks at her.20. INT. JOHN’S KITCHEN – DAY
Manager escorts OLD MAN out then asks for her father’s armchair.21. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – DAY
They push armchair to his place.22. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She finds scribbled message STOR where armchair was. Doesn’t know what it means.
She pushes the urn OUT of the KEEP pile. Junk removal company arrives.23. EXT. PARK – DAY
She waits in the park.24. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Urn still there. They don’t take human remains. And they can’t give her money because the stuff is worth nothing.25. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, LOBBY – DAY
She sees Junk Removal Guy give money to manager. She waits for mailman. Finds three pension cheques with different names sent to her father’s address. Manager grabs them.26. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna asks for her father’s money, but Bank needs death certificate. She phones Removal company but they remind her she signed a contract.27.INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up.28.INT. PHARMACY – DAY
Exits with shopping bag.29. INT. JOHN’S HALLWAY – DAY
Mrs. Larsen sees pregnancy test through plastic bag.30. INT. MRS. LARSEN’S APARTMENT – DAY
Mrs. Larsen confirms father’s dog is dead – they had him stuffed. Didn’t she find him?
She confirms names of previous residents from her father’s place – same name she saw on envelops. She warns Joanna to get out as soon as she can.31. INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY
Pregnancy test is positive.32. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Calls Mike, but doesn’t tell him about pregnancy. He asks again why she was chasing white rabbit. She doesn’t answer.
She packs her suitcase. Manager inspects apartment. Wants her to clean the floor. She cleans floor with old t-shirt as OLD MAN watches, waiting to move in.33. TURNING POINT 1. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Manager won’t take keys back. He demands she empties her father’s storage locker before midnight. She remembers her father’s scribbling STOR.34.INT. STORAGE AREA – DAY
She finds a few keepsakes, including a stitched Bunny (full of lavender buds) and a letter from father asking her to feed Charlie. She yells that his dog is dead.
She piles up boxes outside the door. She’s done.
Eyeing some valuables, she breaks in lockers and steals items.
She tries to leave, but the pile of boxes (and stolen goods) collapses, blocking the door. She’s trapped inside! No phone.
She looks for another exit – finds none.35. ENTRANCE
She paints a message – HELP – and slips it under the door. Doesn’t notice the claw marks on the concrete floor
A banging noise is revealed to be an old unstable air conditioning unit, dangling from a metal arm.
In another hallway, water PLOPS from a leaky pipe into a bucket underneath.
Since JOHN’S LOCKER is now empty she takes refuge in —36. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Joanna browses through Mrs. Larsen’s photo albums and discovers she had a husband and child but they died. She tucks in a doll.
Scare: Suddenly, all lights go off.
Release: a few emergency lights turn back on.
MINUTES LATER
Joanna gets ready to spend the night. Xmas lights plugged in. Annoyed by plopping sound.37. HALLWAY
She puts fabric at the bottom of the bucket.
She finds a locker with door ajar. She closes it. Finds a tennis ball and takes it.38. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Scares: Sleeping, her hand sticks out in hallway, under the door, between planks, holding the tennis ball. Something zeroes in on it.
Release: She removes her hand at last second, stirring in her sleep.
Scares: Baby spiders climbs on her.
Realease: She slaps them. Sits on boxes to sleep.
Scares: Nightmare – a creature grabs her hair.
Release: Wakes up to find her hair was just stuck on a long nail.
Awake. The plop noise is louder.39. HALLWAY
As she approaches bucket, it falls. Water spills. An animal scampers off. She’s not alone!40. EXIT
Cardboard on floor was pushed back, smudged, now reads HELL.41. HALLWAY
A hairy creature comes out, pulling out the sleeping bag. The string of Xmas lights unplug before she can see more.42. NEW PLAN. LOCKER
She shelters in place. Creates a barricade.
Beast breaches barricade. Joanna comes face to face with it. Beast smells Joanna and attacks. Joanna crawls over the wall43. ANOTHER LOCKER
Beast finds her smell. She throws her clothes in hallway. Beast shreds them and moves away.
She puts on old clothes – vintage shorts and top.
Looking for objects to defend herself. Doll points to tool box in locker across hallway.44. HALLWAY
She crosses over the hallway using a ladder as a bridge.45. CONSTRUCTION LOCKER
The only tool she finds is a mini exacto knife with one inch blade. She uses it to unscrew bicycle mirror and look in hallway.46.HALLWAY
Crossing back. The ladder falls in hallway. Beast chases.
She throws Bunny. Beast eats it. Gets sleepy. (Beast weakness: lavender is like catnip to the beast.)47. PLAN IN ACTION. LOCKER
Sows bunny. Overfeeds it. Gets an idea.
Fills balloon with rat poison. Throws it to the beast. It catches it, but beast sneezes poison in her face!48.HALLWAY
They both run to the water hole from opposite direction. Beast drinks and Joanna washes her eyes.
They’re face to face. After a MIGHTY ROAR, the beast throws up the balloon. Joanna runs.49.LOCKER
Doll is covered in poison. She peels off one layer of clothes (from pink to blue). Her stomach growls. She realizes monster is also hungry.50. HALLWAY
Horror situation: using baby mice as bait.Suspense: she places the picnic basket in the hallway. The baby mice are inside. She waits for the beast to appear and eat the mice.
Dread: Monster comes closer. Momma mouse looks at Joanna. She decides to save the mice.
Surprise: Monster breaks in, eats the mice (and momma mouse). Chase.
Monster reveal: Monster is hungry and wants to eat her.51. HALLWAY
She kisses and throws bunny like a grenade to slow down the beast. Loses Bunny.52. LOCKER
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast.Surprise: she finds her father’s phone in the locker (where he was attacked). Her birthday unlocks it.
Dread: She walks in hallway. The beast could be anywhere.
Fear: monster arrives.
Panics: monster chases. She flees.
Suspense: Will monster catch her?
Dread: Monster is close. Almost reach her.
Hysteria: she uses the phone flash to blind the beast.
Surprise: she looks at monster pic.
Monster reveal: a glimpse of its physical appearance. It’s terrifying.
Scare: a noise!
Release: it was just a box falling.53. MIDPOINT. LOCKER
Finds pictures of her mom on her dad’s phone. It gives her energy to fight. Prep montage. She puts on hockey equipment and straps doll to her chest for protection. She’s now ready to fight.54. RETHINK EVERYTHING. HALLWAY
The doll strapped to herself like Rambo-with-a-baby, she attacks! They become ally in the fight, fist bumping and high fiving.
The attack fails. She gets injured.55. FAILURE. LOCKER
HORROR SITUATION: losing the doll.
HYSTERIA: As beast rams against door, Joanna removes a giant splinter. She bleeds heavily. She sows her wound with threads and needle.
APPREHENSION: She cleans doll, removes the last layer of slimy clothes. Discovers it’s a girl. Not knowing if she and her baby will live, she names the doll (and her baby) Violet. Hugging doll, she finds a battery holder. Struggles to insert batteries.
Surprise: And just when she’s about to press monster breaks in and steals doll!ANGUISH: The sound of the doll crying Mamma awakes her maternal instinct.
HORROR: Beast taunts her with doll. She can’t help but want to save it.
She removes all protection. Time to get dirty!56. VARIOUS LOCKERS
NEW PLAN. Prep montage – She breaks things. Creates traps and weapons.57. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Stakeout under rabbit fur coat. She steps out for the big showdown.58. HALLWAY
She faces beast with a Super Soaker filled with urine. Sprays her urine everywhere. Beast goes mad.
Saves doll by throwing it in another locker where it will be safe, out of reach. (She’s done her job as a mother, by protecting the doll.)
Horror situation: She tries to scare beast by making herself look larger – making butterfly wings with sleeping bag over her head. The beast cowers.
Apprehension: Her arm shakes, gets tired.
Monster reveals: monster gets even larger and looms over her
Dread: Joanna bows, at the mercy of the beast
Surprise: she pulls the handle of inflatable raft. Rafts inflates, scaring beast
Horror: raft hits a nail. It deflates.
Chases. Beast pushes against raft. Rafts crashes on wall.
Dread: will monster catch her?59. LOCKER
She falls in a trap. Gets injured. Beast drags her to a tunnel towards a certain death. Suddenly –60. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen (who cleared the blocked door) arrives to check on Joanna.
Surprise: Mrs. Larsen is in storage!
Panic: Beast attacks Mrs Larsen. She uses the diversion to reach the door.
Horror: Beast eats Mrs Larsen.
Suspense: Will she leave or stay to help Mrs Larsen? She decides to stay.
Panic: They flee in a locker, but Mrs. Larsen can’t make it over the wall.
Hysteria: Larsen dies.61. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Joanna stays to confront the beast.
Apprehension: Joanna finally reaches door, but beast roars to get her attention.
Suspense: She sees it has her mother’s brooch on fur (a family heirloom). Will she stay or go? She closes door. This time it’s personal.
Horror: She runs in a loop. Beast chases. Its heads get caught in a rope attached to all the locks — all locker doors open as beast pushes forward.
Dread: Beast is held back, only inches from Joanna’s face.
Monster reveal: the monster in all its glory.
Dread: Beast backs away and door CLACKS in reverse.
Suspense: All doors are now open, obscuring view of hallway.
Dread: Suddenly all doors slams back again as monster lunge forward. She runs as the rope breaks and monster chases her.
Except now all lockers are open, so she can use the big objects from inside lockers. Weedwhackers, etc.
Beast gets entangled in Xmas lights. Exhilarating battle. But then things go sideways.62. LOCKER
She takes refuge in a locker. Larsen grabs her ankle (not dead).
Larsen reveals the monster origin. How she found beast in park and brought it here as her secret pet. But it became aggressive. When it bit her, she stopped feeding it, thinking it would die, but it attacked Joanna’s father (who was her lover). Following his death, she’s been plagued with guilt. She dies from her wound.
Joanna removes all protective equipment.63. EXECUTE NEW PLAN. HALLWAY
Horror situation: fighting the beast.
Surprise: She pulls on AC but it doesn’t fall.
Scare: Beast gets closer. AC finally falls.
Release: Beast lies dead. It’s over.
Apprehension: she walks carefully around the dead body.
Scare: Beast not dead! It grabs her ankle.
Panic: She does yoga pose to grab object and strike the beast.
Monster reveal: Fights mano-a-mano and discovers beast has tits! The Beast is female!
Surprise: She punches beast in the tits and gets covered in bloody mucus.
Anxiety: Beast grunts in pain, walks away, steps on the cardboard sign.
Apprehension:Joanna crawls to exit, sees sign that now says HELL O. Frowns. Beast moans.64. TURNING POINT 2. Beast drags itself aimlessly in hallway, followed by a trail of blood. Joanna opens door of a locker. Beast crawls in.
Beast gives birth to pups.
Joanna realizes all this was her fault. By closing door of the locker earlier, she had accidentally locked beast out of its lair and left it to roam in hallway. Beast was just protecting entrance of its lair.
She finds her father’s stuffed dog Charlie and a note “Don’t forget to feed Charlie”. She sees $100 bill sticking out of mouth. The stomach is full of it. He used dog as piggy bank! Picks it up and faints before she can reach door.
Wakes up when Manager comes in. She tries to leave without being seen (if he finds out she was stealing stuff she’ll go to prison). The ripped cardboard sign says HE.
Meanwhile he finds Mrs. Larsen’s body, the beast and puppies. He calls her name. Knows it’s her who created this mess. She tries to reach the exit.
He catches her.
She smashes the stuffed dog on his head. It explodes with cash. Manager says he’ll let her go, if she leaves the money, but when she walks by, he grabs her. She knows he steals cheques from dead residents so he wants to kill her.
Big chase.65 .LOCKER
Enters locker (the one with door swinging ajar that she had closed earlier) and discovers a tunnel.66. TUNNEL
She crawls in the tunnel — wondering where it will lead (mystery) — as Manager chases her.67. CLIMAX. LAIR
Monster reveal: Discovers tunnel leads to the monster’s lair in furnace room. That’s why it was guarding the entrance the whole time.
It’s hot. Discovers old resident’s bodies that manager was cremating. He says he could have cremated her father for free if Mrs. Larsen hadn’t found him first.
Fight. She knocks out Manager thanks to hot yoga move.
She crawls out of lair.68. LOCKER
She uses beast against manager. He gets eaten.69. RESOLUTION. HALLWAY
Washes at the leaky pipe. Puts on a new dress.
She gives bunny to beast. Grabs brooch from beast.
Forgives her dad.
Heads towards EXIT sign with her suitcase and Charlie the dog under her arms. Hear puppies whine. Looks back. She can’t leave them.70.PARK
Joanna caries her suitcase near pond. Frees beast and pups hidden inside. They run into the wild.71. LAKEHOUSE
She drives to lake house from her childhood photos. Leave a voicemail to Mike and answers his question truthfully about why she was chasing rabbit. (Story of her mom’s rabbits.)72. ROAD
Phone rings. Reaching for her phone ringing, she finds a puppy on the back seat. Calls Mike, says she’s coming home with a surprise. -
JT. Here are a few comments, if interested.
Jessica Trembley OutlineJessica Tremblay’s Horror Outline Version 1 Title: Death Cleaning Logline: Trapped in the basement of a building, a pregnant woman battles a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers.
1. OPENING. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, STORAGE LOCKERS – NIGHT JOHN (60) is attacked by a vicious creature.
2. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT He dies of a heart attack.
3. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – DAY Joanna retrieves clothes from her purse and removes their anti-theft devices.(We know Joanna is resourceful and hurting for money: great!)
4. EXT. PARK – DAY Chasing a white rabbit, she almost gets hit by a car. MIKE (23), a passerby, stops to ask if she’s okay. His dog grabs the dead rabbit.
5. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE – DAY Mike escorts Joanna home. She kisses him.
6. BEDROOM They make love. NEXT DAY. She steals money from his wallet while he sleeps. He’s a cop! She hides clothes with store tags.
7. LIVING ROOM She practices yoga. Her arm is shaky. She massages her old shoulder injury.(Do we know how she got the injury? Will that play later?)
Hears spooky noise coming from the —
8. KITCHEN Mike’s dog throws up blood, bones, and fur at her feet.( I was curious if Joanna has a thing against dogs, which will get healed [John’s dog] by the end of the story…)
9. EXT. VETERINARIAN OFFICE, PARKING LOT – DAY Mike holds a leash. No dog. She tries to console him. He knows she stole money from him and leaves her in the parking lot.
10. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN – DAY Joanna cleans the blood on the floor.
11. INCITING INCIDENT. INT. BATHROOM – DAY She throws up. Gets a phone call from Memento Mori.
12. EXT. MEMENTO MORI FUNERAL HOME – DAY She picks up her father’s urn and personal belongings at a “drive-thru” funeral. Finds his address and keys dangling from a white rabbit’s paw keychain.
13. EXT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT A sign “NO PETS ALLOWED”.
14. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT A picture of her father and his dog. No traces of the dog. Texts Mike. He asks why she was chasing the rabbit. Strange noises. She chases a raccoon out of the apartment.
15. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM- DAY She wants to sleep in, but is awaken by footsteps. There’s someone in the apartment!
16. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROM – DAY She catches the BUILDING MANAGER (late 50s, leather vest) going through her father’s stuff. He gives her five days to empty the place or he’ll charge her a month’s rent. He gives her business card of a junk removal company.
17. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY She meets her father’s neighbour MRS. LARSEN (70, bandaged hand) and ask about her father’s dog. She says pets are not allowed in the building, and shuts the door.
18. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY She looks for money, valuables, but apartment has been cleaned up (probably by Manager). She calls junk removal company.
19. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM – DAY She wakes up to find manager showing apartment to OLD MAN (a potential renter). Her body is exposed. Manager winks at her.
20. INT. JOHN’S KITCHEN – DAY Manager escorts OLD MAN out then asks for her father’s armchair.
21. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – DAY They push armchair to his place.
22. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY She finds scribbled message STOR where armchair was. Doesn’t know what it means. She pushes the urn OUT of the KEEP pile. Junk removal company arrives.
23. EXT. PARK – DAY She waits in the park.
24. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Urn still there. They don’t take human remains. And they can’t give her money because the stuff is worth nothing.
25. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, LOBBY – DAY She sees Junk Removal Guy give money to manager. She waits for mailman. Finds three pension cheques with different names sent to her father’s address. Manager grabs them.
26. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Joanna asks for her father’s money, but Bank needs death certificate. She phones Removal company but they remind her she signed a contract.
27.INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY She throws up.
28.INT. PHARMACY – DAY Exits with shopping bag.
29. INT. JOHN’S HALLWAY – DAY Mrs. Larsen sees pregnancy test through plastic bag.
30. INT. MRS. LARSEN’S APARTMENT – DAY Mrs. Larsen confirms father’s dog is dead – they had him stuffed. Didn’t she find him? She confirms names of previous residents from her father’s place – same name she saw on envelops. She warns Joanna to get out as soon as she can.
31. INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY Pregnancy test is positive.
32. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Calls Mike, but doesn’t tell him about pregnancy. He asks again why she was chasing white rabbit. She doesn’t answer. She packs her suitcase. Manager inspects apartment. Wants her to clean the floor. She cleans floor with old t-shirt as OLD MAN watches, waiting to move in.
33. TURNING POINT 1. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Manager won’t take keys back. He demands she empties her father’s storage locker before midnight. She remembers her father’s scribbling STOR.
34.INT. STORAGE AREA – DAY She finds a few keepsakes, including a stitched Bunny (full of lavender buds) and a letter from father asking her to feed Charlie. She yells that his dog is dead. She piles up boxes outside the door. She’s done. Eyeing some valuables, she breaks in lockers and steals items. She tries to leave, but the pile of boxes (and stolen goods) collapses, blocking the door. She’s trapped inside! No phone. She looks for another exit – finds none.
35. ENTRANCE She paints a message – HELP – and slips it under the door. Doesn’t notice the claw marks on the concrete floor A banging noise is revealed to be an old unstable air conditioning unit, dangling from a metal arm. In another hallway, water PLOPS from a leaky pipe into a bucket underneath. Since JOHN’S LOCKER is now empty she takes refuge in —
36. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER Joanna browses through Mrs. Larsen’s photo albums and discovers she had a husband and child but they died. She tucks in a doll. Scare: Suddenly, all lights go off. Release: a few emergency lights turn back on. MINUTES LATER Joanna gets ready to spend the night. Xmas lights plugged in. Annoyed by plopping sound.
37. HALLWAY She puts fabric at the bottom of the bucket. She finds a locker with door ajar. She closes it. Finds a tennis ball and takes it.
38. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER Scares: Sleeping, her hand sticks out in hallway, under the door, between planks, holding the tennis ball. Something zeroes in on it. Release: She removes her hand at last second, stirring in her sleep. Scares: Baby spiders climbs on her. Realease: She slaps them. Sits on boxes to sleep. Scares: Nightmare – a creature grabs her hair. Release: Wakes up to find her hair was just stuck on a long nail. Awake. The plop noise is louder.
39. HALLWAY As she approaches bucket, it falls. Water spills. An animal scampers off. She’s not alone!
40. EXIT Cardboard on floor was pushed back, smudged, now reads HELL.
41. HALLWAY A hairy creature comes out, pulling out the sleeping bag. The string of Xmas lights unplug before she can see more.
42. NEW PLAN. LOCKER She shelters in place. Creates a barricade. Beast breaches barricade. Joanna comes face to face with it. Beast smells Joanna and attacks. Joanna crawls over the wall
43. ANOTHER LOCKER Beast finds her smell. She throws her clothes in hallway. Beast shreds them and moves away. She puts on old clothes – vintage shorts and top. Looking for objects to defend herself. Doll points to tool box in locker across hallway.(The doll is an intriguing touch. They, inanimate objects are on her side.? And why?)
44. HALLWAY She crosses over the hallway using a ladder as a bridge.
45. CONSTRUCTION LOCKER The only tool she finds is a mini exacto knife with one inch blade. She uses it to unscrew bicycle mirror and look in hallway.
46.HALLWAY Crossing back. The ladder falls in hallway. Beast chases. She throws Bunny. Beast eats it. Gets sleepy. (Beast weakness: lavender is like catnip to the beast.)( Can that be foreshadowed before this?)
47. PLAN IN ACTION. LOCKER Sows bunny. Overfeeds it. Gets an idea. Fills balloon with rat poison. Throws it to the beast. It catches it, but beast sneezes poison in her face!
48.HALLWAY They both run to the water hole from opposite direction. Beast drinks and Joanna washes her eyes. They’re face to face. After a MIGHTY ROAR, the beast throws up the balloon. Joanna runs.
49.LOCKER Doll is covered in poison. She peels off one layer of clothes (from pink to blue). Her stomach growls. She realizes monster is also hungry.
50. HALLWAY Horror situation: using baby mice as bait.
Suspense: she places the picnic basket in the hallway. The baby mice are inside. She waits for the beast to appear and eat the mice. Dread: Monster comes closer. Momma mouse looks at Joanna. She decides to save the mice. Surprise: Monster breaks in, eats the mice (and momma mouse). Chase. Monster reveal: Monster is hungry and wants to eat her.
51. HALLWAY She kisses and throws bunny like a grenade to slow down the beast. Loses Bunny.(So many smart strategies in dealing with monster, draws me into the situation.)
52. LOCKER Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast.
Surprise: she finds her father’s phone in the locker (where he was attacked). Her birthday unlocks it. Dread: She walks in hallway. The beast could be anywhere. Fear: monster arrives. Panics: monster chases. She flees. Suspense: Will monster catch her? Dread: Monster is close. Almost reach her. Hysteria: she uses the phone flash to blind the beast. Surprise: she looks at monster pic. Monster reveal: a glimpse of its physical appearance. It’s terrifying. Scare: a noise! Release: it was just a box falling.
53. MIDPOINT. LOCKER Finds pictures of her mom on her dad’s phone. It gives her energy to fight. Prep montage. She puts on hockey equipment and straps doll to her chest for protection. She’s now ready to fight.
54. RETHINK EVERYTHING. HALLWAY The doll strapped to herself like Rambo-with-a-baby, she attacks! They become ally in the fight, fist bumping and high fiving. The attack fails. She gets injured.
55. FAILURE. LOCKER HORROR SITUATION: losing the doll. HYSTERIA: As beast rams against door, Joanna removes a giant splinter. She bleeds heavily. She sows her wound with threads and needle. APPREHENSION: She cleans doll, removes the last layer of slimy clothes. Discovers it’s a girl. Not knowing if she and her baby will live, she names the doll (and her baby) Violet. Hugging doll, she finds a battery holder. Struggles to insert batteries. (Or maybe Lavender?)
Surprise: And just when she’s about to press monster breaks in and steals doll!
ANGUISH: The sound of the doll crying Mamma awakes her maternal instinct. HORROR: Beast taunts her with doll. She can’t help but want to save it. She removes all protection. Time to get dirty!
56. VARIOUS LOCKERS NEW PLAN. Prep montage – She breaks things. Creates traps and weapons.
57. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER Stakeout under rabbit fur coat. She steps out for the big showdown.
58. HALLWAY She faces beast with a Super Soaker filled with urine. Sprays her urine everywhere. Beast goes mad. Saves doll by throwing it in another locker where it will be safe, out of reach. (She’s done her job as a mother, by protecting the doll.) Horror situation: She tries to scare beast by making herself look larger – making butterfly wings with sleeping bag over her head. The beast cowers. Apprehension: Her arm shakes, gets tired. Monster reveals: monster gets even larger and looms over her Dread: Joanna bows, at the mercy of the beast Surprise: she pulls the handle of inflatable raft. Rafts inflates, scaring beast Horror: raft hits a nail. It deflates. Chases. Beast pushes against raft. Rafts crashes on wall. Dread: will monster catch her?
59. LOCKER She falls in a trap. Gets injured. Beast drags her to a tunnel towards a certain death. Suddenly –
60. HALLWAY Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen (who cleared the blocked door) arrives to check on Joanna. Surprise: Mrs. Larsen is in storage! Panic: Beast attacks Mrs Larsen. She uses the diversion to reach the door. Horror: Beast eats Mrs Larsen. Suspense: Will she leave or stay to help Mrs Larsen? She decides to stay. Panic: They flee in a locker, but Mrs. Larsen can’t make it over the wall. Hysteria: Larsen dies.
61. HALLWAY Horror situation: Joanna stays to confront the beast. Apprehension: Joanna finally reaches door, but beast roars to get her attention. Suspense: She sees it has her mother’s brooch on fur (a family heirloom). Will she stay or go? She closes door. This time it’s personal. Horror: She runs in a loop. Beast chases. Its heads get caught in a rope attached to all the locks — all locker doors open as beast pushes forward. Dread: Beast is held back, only inches from Joanna’s face. Monster reveal: the monster in all its glory. Dread: Beast backs away and door CLACKS in reverse. Suspense: All doors are now open, obscuring view of hallway. Dread: Suddenly all doors slams back again as monster lunge forward. She runs as the rope breaks and monster chases her. Except now all lockers are open, so she can use the big objects from inside lockers. Weedwhackers, etc. Beast gets entangled in Xmas lights. Exhilarating battle. But then things go sideways.
62. LOCKER She takes refuge in a locker. Larsen grabs her ankle (not dead). Larsen reveals the monster origin. How she found beast in park and brought it here as her secret pet. But it became aggressive. When it bit her, she stopped feeding it, thinking it would die, but it attacked Joanna’s father (who was her lover). Following his death, she’s been plagued with guilt. She dies from her wound. Joanna removes all protective equipment.
63. EXECUTE NEW PLAN. HALLWAY Horror situation: fighting the beast. Surprise: She pulls on AC but it doesn’t fall. Scare: Beast gets closer. AC finally falls. Release: Beast lies dead. It’s over. Apprehension: she walks carefully around the dead body. Scare: Beast not dead! It grabs her ankle. Panic: She does yoga pose to grab object and strike the beast. Monster reveal: Fights mano-a-mano and discovers beast has tits! The Beast is female! Surprise: She punches beast in the tits and gets covered in bloody mucus. Anxiety: Beast grunts in pain, walks away, steps on the cardboard sign. Apprehension:Joanna crawls to exit, sees sign that now says HELL O. Frowns. Beast moans.
64. TURNING POINT 2. Beast drags itself aimlessly in hallway, followed by a trail of blood. Joanna opens door of a locker. Beast crawls in. Beast gives birth to pups. Joanna realizes all this was her fault. By closing door of the locker earlier, she had accidentally locked beast out of its lair and left it to roam in hallway. Beast was just protecting entrance of its lair. She finds her father’s stuffed dog Charlie and a note “Don’t forget to feed Charlie”. She sees $100 bill sticking out of mouth. The stomach is full of it. He used dog as piggy bank! Picks it up and faints before she can reach door. Wakes up when Manager comes in. She tries to leave without being seen (if he finds out she was stealing stuff she’ll go to prison). The ripped cardboard sign says HE. Meanwhile he finds Mrs. Larsen’s body, the beast and puppies. He calls her name. Knows it’s her who created this mess. She tries to reach the exit. He catches her. She smashes the stuffed dog on his head. It explodes with cash. Manager says he’ll let her go, if she leaves the money, but when she walks by, he grabs her. She knows he steals cheques from dead residents so he wants to kill her. Big chase.
65 .LOCKER Enters locker (the one with door swinging ajar that she had closed earlier) and discovers a tunnel.
66. TUNNEL She crawls in the tunnel — wondering where it will lead (mystery) — as Manager chases her.
67. CLIMAX. LAIR Monster reveal: Discovers tunnel leads to the monster’s lair in furnace room. That’s why it was guarding the entrance the whole time. It’s hot. Discovers old resident’s bodies that manager was cremating. He says he could have cremated her father for free if Mrs. Larsen hadn’t found him first. Fight. She knocks out Manager thanks to hot yoga move. She crawls out of lair.
68. LOCKER She uses beast against manager. He gets eaten.
69. RESOLUTION. HALLWAY Washes at the leaky pipe. Puts on a new dress. She gives bunny to beast. Grabs brooch from beast. Forgives her dad. Heads towards EXIT sign with her suitcase and Charlie the dog under her arms. Hear puppies whine. Looks back. She can’t leave them.
70.PARK Joanna caries her suitcase near pond. Frees beast and pups hidden inside. They run into the wild.
71. LAKEHOUSE She drives to lake house from her childhood photos. Leave a voicemail to Mike and answers his question truthfully about why she was chasing rabbit. (Story of her mom’s rabbits.)
72. ROAD Phone rings. Reaching for her phone ringing, she finds a puppy on the back seat. Calls Mike, says she’s coming home with a surprise.
*
Your outline is much more developed than mine. Brilliant Alien situation in a foreboding basement. I was also curious if there is ultimately a further step. Why did the creature come into being? I love the maternal twist to the creature, but was also wondering if it was created for a purpose and the events of the story changes it’s destiny. Or. Perhaps that is what is to be discovered in the sequel. Love the story and it has great potential to terrify . . .-
Hi Tim,
Thanks for the notes. Really appreciate them. I’ve started revising the outline.
I got your message. Yes, I’d be happy to receive any additional notes you have. Simply reply to any post from the last lesson and I’ll get them here. Thanks again.
JT
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