Lesson 16

[Angela Booth]

Angela Booth Profound Map Version 1

What I learned by doing this assignment is that the course has pushed me to think wider, deeper and greater than I could have done without it. While my ideas remain largely the same, the weave of my narrative will be so much richer now that I have completed the course. In filling in this Profound Map, I re-read things I had written and had completely forgotten about, so the assignments are an amazing record of the journey. A transformational one, perhaps?

TITLE: The Catch Up
WRITTEN BY: Angela Booth

NOTE: This is a TV series of 6 one-hour episodes.

I have worked out the episodes and storyline arcs, and am using this information to inform the Series Bible. I do not plan to write the full series if the Pilot is not picked up.

The series arc is obviously closely linked to the character arcs. Where I can, I have completed the steps for all the characters. In a few cases, I completed the information for only one character.

1. What is Your Profound Truth?
We need to look inward to find our true selves. Once found, we need to live with integrity to be truly happy.

2. What is the Transformational Journey?
Old Ways:

Georgia: Working full time, making and attending all the kids’ appointments, dealing with all the emotional baggage of the family, constantly interrupted, no time for herself.
Jodie: Full-time mum, enjoying being pampered and filling days with lunches with friends, which she takes for granted. Organised in personal life, applying business skills to personal life. Caring and compassionate when it comes to helping out working mums.
Tiff: Working extra hours to make enough money for the family, sacrificing weekends, no time for herself, not appreciated for the works she does at home too.
Anne: People-pleaser who wants family to notice her and love her. Wants to be valued at work and recognised for her effort and achievements. Low self esteem.
Callie: Transwoman who believes she has to look like a fake Kardashian to be seen as female and feminine.

Journey:
Over a series of dinners, four friends catch up and offer support, guidance and reassurance as they navigate their own personal challenges, sharing secrets and airing their dirty laundry while they make each other laugh. Each friend needs to look inside themselves to find the answers they seek and the courage they need to bring things to a head and find a happier future.

New Ways:
Georgia: Delegating tasks, sharing attending kids’ appointments with her husband, attending conferences and professional development seminars, watching a whole movie without interruption.
Jodie: Takes over running the business, becomes shit-hot boss, values time with friends and realises how precious time is.
Tiff: Working fewer hours, enjoying hobbies with friends and seeing kids at the weekend. Older kids appreciate the effort she has made over the years.
Anne: Feels worthy and stands up for herself. Happy to walk away from oppressive situations. Believes in herself.
Callie: Believes in her true self and understands that her beauty and femininity come from within, finally ditching the fake look to embrace her natural grace and style.

Transformational Logline:
Four friends whose lives revolve around work and family share their dirty secrets and funniest stories over a series of dinners. One catch up at a time, they reassess their priorities and values and finally start to live their best lives.

3. Who are Your Lead Characters?
Georgia, Jodie, Tiff, Anne, Anand, Callie
Change Agent (the one causing the change):
For Georgia, Jodie, Tiff, Anne: They each act as change agents for each other, providing their own insight and encouragement to change over the dinner table.
For Callie: Collectively: Jodie, Georgia, Tiff, Anne, AND the old ladies at the “Stitch ‘n Bitch” knitting club.

Transformable Character(s) (the one who makes the change):
Georgia, Jodie, Tiff, Anne, Callie
(Anand is already living with integrity and living his best life)

Betraying Character (if you have one): None – they all wobble but make it in the end…. Until series two.

Oppression:
Being a woman in a man’s world. Trying to do it all – be successful with a full-time job and raise happy, healthy kids while balancing being a wife, daughter, friend and colleague. It’s easy to forget the most important person in your life. Yourself.

4. How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?

This information relates to the PILOT only

Georgia
A. Relatability – unruly kids, husband not around when you need him, waste of time and effort trying to provide healthy food
B. Intrigue – dark event in the past related to a massacre, hinted at and then not discussed
C. Empathy – Stuck doing all the thinking and emotional load for the family. Navigating 3 boys growing up.
D. Likability – great storyteller, copes with adversity with humour

Jodie
A. Relatability – coping as a single parent when husband is away, unable to walk after gym session,
B. Intrigue – Upcoming appointment with accountant
C. Empathy – not having enough dog poo bags in the park
D. Likability – picks up other people’s kids to help them out when they’re stuck at work. She understands that working mums have it even harder

Tiff
A. Relatability – secretly enjoying disgusting snack when no one is watching her
B. Intrigue –
C. Empathy – worries for the financials of the family, working extra shifts
D. Likability – tells funny stories and dishes the dirt on people from work

Anne
A. Relatability – trying to please people without upsetting anyone, spills food on herself all the time
B. Intrigue – mystery surrounding issue with sister
C. Empathy – feeling overlooked at work – not getting promoted when she works the hardest
D. Likability – tries to be nice to everyone – gives gifts

5. What is the Gradient of the Change?

NOTE THAT I HAVE COMPLETED THIS FOR ONE CHARACTER (JODIE) ONLY (I have not completed this for all the characters):

What steps do the Transformational Characters go through as they are changing?
Gradient 1. The Emotional Gradient
A. The "Forced Change" Emotional Gradient
FOR ONE CHARACTER (JODIE) ONLY (I have not completed this for all the characters):
Denial: Money embezzled from the business
Anger: Graham decides to change careers at the same time as they’re forced to decide to sell the house.
Bargaining: Sells house and moves to rental. Learns her mother is unwell. Has to step in at work to run OHS when employee leaves to save the wage, which is needed for school fees.
Depression: Learns that her mother has cancer and needs to spend time with her, out of town.
Acceptance: Mother dies.

Gradient 2. The Action Gradient
FOR JODIE CHARACTER ONLY
Setup:
• Jodie is a wealthy full-time mum and wife of an entrepreneur, living a comfortable existence in a wealthy suburb of Melbourne.
• She prioritises her kids and fully supports her husband in all his endeavours, which often results in her being a solo parent for weeks at a time.

Journey:
• Their company is embezzled by the CFO.
• Graham can’t cope with the loss and decides to change careers.
• Financially, they are on rocky ground and have to sell the house.
• Jodie copes with all the changes to their lifestyle and continues to “do it all”, despite now working part time.
• She learns her mother is unwell and needs her support.
• She leans on Graham and discovers that he is ready, willing and able to help.

Payoff
• When her mother announces she has stage 4 cancer, Graham steps up and takes the emotional burden from her immediately, giving her the space to focus on her mother.
• After her mother passes away, her son describes Jodie as “the best mum ever”, allaying her fear that by not being present 24/7 for her kids she has somehow let them down.
• Graham admires Jodie for her business skills and encourages her to start her own business.

Gradient 3. The Challenge / Weakness Gradient
Challenge: Maintain lifestyle in the face of new circumstances
Weakness: Makes lightweight changes – cancels nail appointment but maintains lavish weekend away

C: Provide stability for the kids in the face of upheaval.

W: Furious with Graham but knows she cannot change his mind Still looking to maintain lifestyle – e.g. looking to rent a place with a pool etc.

C: Tries to work part-time and be present as a full-time mum for her kids. Needs to get Graham to step up.

W: Thinking she can do it all and eventually realizing she can’t without enlisting help.

C: To prioritise her mother and maintain stability for the kids.

W: Thinking she has to cope with this all alone (old way). Then realises she doesn’t (new way) and is spurred into action to expect Graham to take over day-to-day tasks with the kids

C: To maintain stability for family, husband and business, and support her father.

W: Believing she is the only one who can organize anything (old way) before accepting help from friends and giving kids more responsibility (new way) while realising she can start her own business without it being seen as selfish.

6. What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?

NOTE: The version below only covers the main characters

MM #1 – Pages 1 – 15 – Our hero’s status quo, his ordinary world, ends with an inciting incident or “call to adventure,” introducing the story’s main tension.
Turning Point: Call to Adventure.
Pilot episode: Status Quo and Call to Adventure
We cold open with text messages finalising arrangements to meet that evening. Each woman’s response tells us something about her before we meet them.
Titles.
The four women meet at a restaurant where Georgia describes an incident from half an hour before – one of the kids destroying the kitchen lights and an iPad, typifying the chaos at home. Anne struggles to choose what to eat and gives out handmade gifts while mentioning her father’s upcoming 80th birthday in the UK. We learn there is family tension with her sister and that her husband is unpredictably grumpy at home, taking it out on her and the kids.
Tiff describes an unusual event on night shift and explains that she’s working extra hours to make ends meet while her husband is out of work. Jodie describes all the running around she’s been doing while her husband is away on a conference, leaving her to single-parent for a week (again).
Anne shares her core belief in service to others, while hiding how selfish her own kids are, and Georgia recounts an incident at school involving her middle child that reminds them all of a harrowing event Georgia’s husband lived through some years before.
They collectively decide that enough is enough, and agree to support each other to make changes that will have a positive impact in their lives. They each commit to reporting back in a couple of months when they see each other again.
They always finish their dinners with a discussion on who’s watching what on TV, though we always cut to titles and never hear the answers.

Georgia: Stuck managing the kids all the time. Needs to get Mart to take the kids more consistently.
Change agent: Jodie, Tiff, Anne
Transformational character: Georgia
Old ways: Doing everything, organising the whole family, taking ownership for all aspects of their lives.
The Vision: You need time for yourself, have your own hobby, have help.
Challenge: Martin (husband) is inconsistent in being available to help out. He’s unreliable and doesn’t share the load.
Weaknesses: Afraid that if she doesn’t do it, no one will.
THEREFORE:
Change agent: Georgia
Transformational Characters: Martin, the kids, her Father-in-Law
Old ways: Letting Georgia remember schedules, organise medical appointments, pay for school camps etc.
The Vision: I need to share the load and feel supported
Challenge: The status quo has been that way for so long, no one knows any different. Martin injures leg. Father-in-law comes to stay, adding to Martin’s stress.
Weaknesses: Lack of confidence. No role model to look to.

 
Jodie: Privileged life as full time mum. Appointment with the accountant next week. Graham seems worried but she’s sure it’s nothing.
Change agent: Georgia, Tiff, Anne
Transformational character: Jodie
Old ways: Doing everything for the family, taking ownership for all aspects of their lives, prioritising beauty, health, meeting friends. Gave up career. Has no external validation for all the hard work. No pay, holidays, pension fund. Totally reliant on husband. No real mental stimulation or satisfaction.
The Vision: You need something for yourself. What about studying? The kids will grow up and leave home – then what?
Challenge: Husband is entrepreneur who is either away at conference or studying and who doesn’t share the load. Graham is so motivated to pursue his own passions, there is no time for her to pursue hers.
Weaknesses: Afraid to challenge status quo as it is currently giving her time for herself, although not mentally stimulated.
THEREFORE:
Change agent: Jodie
Transformational Characters: Graham, the kids
Old ways: Jodie being a single parent a lot of the time, doing all the running around for medical appointments, school pick ups , staying home when kids are sick, etc.
The Vision: I’m OK with this for now but I don’t like single parenting. I want more in the future.
Challenge: Graham feels he has to be better and bigger, constantly moving forwards. Isn’t considering other people so long as he is succeeding and providing for the family.
Weaknesses: Worried he can’t provide for their ever-expensive lifestyle.

 
Tiff: Call to action: Paul has a job interview – she’s praying he’ll get it as she’s been working 5 or 6 nights a week for ages. She needs the extra cash…. Kids braces? Kids camp? Botox?
Change agent: Georgia, Jodie, Anne
Transformational character: Tiff
Old ways: Working hard and taking extra shifts to support the family. Takes on financial burden.
The Vision: You can’t keep working that way. You need the boys and Paul to step up.
Challenge: Husband and kids have been allowed to sit back while Tiff works which means they feel no responsibility or urgency to help out financially.
Weaknesses: She knows she is capable and strong, and that the boys are weak, so she keeps picking up their slack. She doesn’t want to be a nag.
THEREFORE:
Change agent: Tiff
Transformational Characters: Paul, the kids
Old ways: Tiff working long night shifts and picking up extra day shifts while Paul and the older boys don’t work.
The Vision: You have to get jobs and pay your share. I can’t be the only one working.
Challenge: The older boys were affected by Covid, in that their confidence is low. Paul feels like a outsider and doesn’t truly believe he’s worth the wage and commission he’s paid when hes working.
Weaknesses: Personal insecurity all round preventing the boys and Paul from being successful at finding work.

 
Anne: Call to action: got to sort out flights to the UK and deal with tension with sister and gift for dad – the man who asks for nothing and is grateful for even less. Also new job at work – has to apply last minute so pressure is on. Chris being grumpy and unpredictable, so walking on eggshells around him.
Change agent: Georgia, Jodie, Tiff
Transformational character: Anne
Old ways: Insecure and damaged by childhood trauma. Just wants to be loved and will do anything to be accepted and valued. Doesn’t make decisions or stand up for herself.
The Vision: You have to stand up for what you want. Don’t let them treat you that way.
Challenge: She has to face up to family and employer who clearly demonstrate lack of belief in her.
Weaknesses: Doesn’t believe she has the strength to vocalise who she is in the face of a lifetime of experience telling her she’s worthless.
THEREFORE:
Change agent: Anne
Transformational Characters: Chris, Dad, manager
Old ways: People expect her to blend in and not cause a fuss. Chris takes out his frustration on her and the kids.
The Vision: I am enough. I can be myself. I don’t need to accept this behaviour from others.
Challenge: Family and manager dismiss her as unimportant and without agency. The real Anne has been hidden for so long it will come as a shock to people when she reveals herself.
Weaknesses: Her father, husband and manager will have to accept their own responsibility for the situation and face their own limitations.

MM #2 – Pages 15 – 30 – Our hero’s denial of the call, and his gradually being “locked into” the conflict brought on by this call.
Turning Point: Locked in.
Georgia: Argues with Mart over time spent on his own passions without considering childcare needs or her job.
Jodie: Financial loss, but in denial of any real effect on their lives.
Tiff: Paul gets job. Takes a mental breather but still feels trapped into working extra shifts.
Anne: Doesn’t get the job. Told she is not invited to the family party because her sister is attending instead. Chris grumpy without rhyme or reason- but mostly over mess at home.

MM #3 – Pages 30 – 45 – Our hero’s first attempts to solve his problem, the first things that anyone with this problem would try, appealing to outside authority to help him. Ends when all these avenues are shut to our hero.
Turning Point: Standard ways fail.
Georgia: Draws up a shared duties plan for her and Mart to share some tasks. He is out training the first time it’s his turn and she ends up doing it anyway.
Jodie: Makes cut-back in expenses, small sacrifices to save money. Cancels a trip to cover school camp fees.
Tiff: Takes extra shifts. Puts forward job suggestions to the kids.
Anne: Asks HR at work to explain job duties overlap. Tries to be tidier at home to alleviate Chris being in a bad mood.

MM #4 – Pages 45 — 60 – Our hero spawns a bigger plan. He prepares for it, gathers what materials and allies he may need, then puts the plan into action — only to have it go horribly wrong, usually due to certain vital information the hero lacked about the forces of antagonism allied against him.
Turning Point: Plan backfires.
Georgia: Mart’s father coming to stay. Plans to take a back seat on the home front as Mart will be available to help out while his father is here. Mart injures himself and she’s forced to do it all anyway.
Jodie: Agrees to step in at work to help out temporarily with OHS as they cannot afford to replace a staff member. Graham announces he’s starting teacher training. And she’ll have to work more hours.
Tiff: Paul still working, so she confidently walks away from one of the agency jobs and tells the manager what she really thinks of her, torpedoing any chance of returning there.
Anne: Writes letter to her father to make a stand, risking rejection. Makes plans to go to the UK anyway, knowing she’ll have to play nice. Talks to Chris about medication for depression. He reacts angrily.

MM #5 – Pages 60 — 75 – Having created his plan to solve his problem WITHOUT changing, our hero is confronted by his need to change, eyes now open to his own weaknesses, driven by the antagonist to change or die. He retreats to lick his wounds.
Turning Point: The decision to change.
Georgia: Realises she is now looking after even more helpless males than usual. Takes a stand on the home front and decides to attend a conference for work, leaving Mart and his dad to look after the kids by themselves.
Jodie: Struggles to work, run kids to and from appointments and keep own lifestyle going. Realises she is going to have to make changes all round.
Tiff: Paul not working. Forced to take on new role working as a nurse in a sex clinic.
Anne: Attends party in the UK. Stands up to her dad. Asks manager to reassess role description at work. Bullying begins.

MM #6
– Pages 75 – 90 – Our hero spawns a new plan, but now he’s ready to change. He puts this plan into action…and is very nearly destroyed by it. And then…a revelation.
Turning Point: The ultimate failure.
Georgia: Goes on conference, but not before having to arrange everything for everyone else during her absence.
Jodie: Working and discovers her mum has cancer.
Tiff: Looks into council job and dropping the midwifery work. Losing confidence in her skills. Paul has another interview.
Anne: Has meeting with manager and director – toxic meeting and no beneficial outcome. Mental health at risk.

MM #7 – Pages 90 – 105 – The revelation allows our hero to see victory, and he rejoins the battle with a new fervor, finally turning the tables on his antagonist and arriving at apparent victory. And then the tables turn one more time!
Turning Point: Apparent victory.

Georgia: returns to see huge improvement in relationship between Mart and his Dad, and Mart and the kids. Huge relief.
Jodie: Work stabilised and Graham picking up the kids’ appointments while Jodie visits her mum.
Tiff: Paul has new job and she gets council job. Steps away from midwifery happily.
Anne: Speaks to psychologist and Union about situation at work and is advised to take time away from the office. Chris blows up at Ava and agrees to see his doctor to get meds to help with his mood. Anne’s dad calls to see how she is.

MM #8 – Pages 105 – 120 – The hero puts down the antagonist’s last attempt to defeat him, wraps up his story and any sub-plots, and moves into the new world he and his story have created.
Turning Point: New status quo.
Georgia: Settles into a new routine with Mart, knowing he will reliably be around for certain activities and responsibilities, freeing up her time…. Then he finds a new hobby.
Jodie: Mother dies. She rises to become to new matriarch of the family, and maintains the delegation of duties that were in place to assist her while she was visiting her mum during her illness. Has breathing space again.
Tiff: Paul happy in new role. Gets promotion at work and gets to travel round Australia, living what feels like a glamorous life of flights and hotels. Loves her new freedom.
Anne: Walks away from work with the support of her husband and decides to write a book. Chris happy and relaxed on medication. They get a puppy, his lifelong dream.

7. How are the “Old Ways” Challenged?
What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

The examples below only relate to ONE character (Georgia)

A. Challenge through Questioning
1. Georgia believes she has to be the one to do everything because she can’t rely on her husband.
Question challenge (husband Martin to her):
i. Do you really think I’m incapable of looking after my own kids?
ii. Do you think I’m so full of myself that I don’t see how hard you work?
iii. You’re everywhere. You don’t leave any room for me to be a Dad.

B. Challenge by Counterexample
Counter example: When she goes on the work conference, her husband and father in law do a great job of the following during her absence:
i. getting the kids where they need to be (sports, school, clubs)
ii. feeding them healthy, home-cooked meals
iii. providing stability and ensuring medication is taken on time
iv. providing emotional support for the kids

2. Georgia thinks she has no time for a hobby.

Question challenge:
i. There’s nothing stopping you from joining a club.
ii. You don’t work weekends – do something then.
iii. Do you even know what you want to do for fun?

Counter example:
i. She spends hours watching the boys play footie with her husband when she could be doing other things.
ii. She Spends time wandering round the house aimlessly when they’re not there, not even motivated to watch TV. She feels listless and wastes time.
iii. She watches a lot of YouTube videos on artistic topics
iv. She continues with a mentoring program at work even though it is voluntary and she has been doing it for 5 years.
v. She has a massive number of hours of leave accrued that she never takes.

3. Georgia can’t think of anything she’d like to do.

Question challenge:
i. Do you want to do something sporty or arty or foodie or brainy?
ii. Do you want to learn a new skill?
iii. Do you want to do it just for fun or because you need to improve something?
iv. Do you want to learn a DIY skills?
v. What have you always dreamed of doing?
vi. What makes you feel happy?

Counter example:
i. She spends hours watching YouTube videos of people making abstract ink paintings
ii. She likes wandering in and out of Art Supplies shops (or Spotlight craft section)

C. Challenge by "Should Work, But Doesn't"

Should Work But Doesn’t
Old way – Georgia returns from her conference and expects to continue running the household as before, cooking, organising everything etc.
Challenge – The kids ask for Dad to make “his special dinner” for them
How it will play out – She steps back sceptically but enjoys the meal and watching the kids make it with their dad

Old way – Jodie calls Graham on her way back from seeing her mother to tell him she’s running late for an appointment for Ethan and asks him to find the number so she can call to change the appointment time and take him on another day.
Challenge – Graham calmly says he’ll take Ethan to the appointment instead, and not to stress
How it will play out – She puts on some music and enjoys the rest of the drive home, singing along happily

Old way – Tiff takes on an additional 3rd job to pay towards an expensive school camp for her son.
Challenge – She is forced to give up some hours at her other job to make room for it, leaving her no better off
How it will play out – She realises she has to put her foot down to the boys to get their own jobs and bring in some money

Old way – Anne attends a meeting at work believing she is in for a promotion
Challenge – There is no promotion, it is a trap to get her to lose her cool so they can performance manager her out of her job
How it will play out – She will walk out of the job and follow her passion instead.

D. Challenge through Living Metaphor

Living Metaphor
Old way – Georgia comes out of a meeting expecting to shout at the kids to get up
Challenge – Martin has already given them breakfast
How it will play out – she realises he has a way with them that she doesn’t, and leaves morning routines to him, which means she ploughs through work faster and is available for them when they get home from school,

Old way – Jodie stresses about all the planning for the kids, sports, clubs etc
Challenge – Graham buys a huge wall planner and assigns them each a colour so they can divide and conquer the family tasks
How it will play out – The kids take responsibility to write down their own activities and Jodie feels that the emotional burden is shared more equally

Old way – Tiff stresses about juggling the different jobs and feels everything is out of her control
Challenge – Finn announces that he has a full time job and Paul gets his first large commission from work
How it will play out – Tiff can let one of the jobs go and concentrate on the ones she wants, plus a secret plan she has to start her own business

Old way – Anne is itching to call her father out of habit and is struggling to keep a distance
Challenge – Her father calls her after three weeks to see how she is.
How it will play out – She realises that he is willing to play his role as a father and no longer feels that she needs to be the one to reach out to maintain their relationship.

8. How are You Presenting Insights through Profound Moments?

A. Action delivers insight

9. Create a list of the New Ways and Insights you’d like audiences to experience when they watch your movie.

New way/Insight:
Georgia realises she doesn’t have to prepare all the meals all the time. She can trust Martin to take over.
Action:
The boys prefer her husband’s recipe for spaghetti bolognaise when they clear their plates and ask for more.

New way/Insight:
Jodie realises she’s a great boss and can handle the business by herself.
Action:
The employees have a collection when her mother passes away. A speech from one of the crew that thanks her for her compassion and understanding as a boss is followed by a long-standing round of applause.

New way/Insight:
Tiff shakes off the burden of being the breadwinner for the family and asks for support from the family to start her own business.
Action:
Finn and Zac each go on to employment websites and begin looking for work to bring in extra money while Tiff plans her new enterprise.

New way/Insight:
Anne realises she doesn’t have to put up with bullying at work any more.
Action:
She packs up her desk and walks out, not looking back.

New way/Insight:
Calli realises who she is on the inside is more important than the image she portrays.
Action:
Calli stops wearing fake eyelashes and nails.

B. Conflict delivers insight

1.New way/Insight
Georgia: I’m not the only one who can care for the kids.
What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
a. Argument about what to have for dinner and who is making it.
b. Misunderstanding about who is cooking – he/she goes out to get ingredients from the shop, not realising the other has plans.

Ways to deliver the insight through conflict
a. Verbally: The kids love my recipe. Trust me.
b. Action: Kids finishing the food and asking for more.

2.New way/Insight
Jodie: I can do this on my own.
What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
a. Power struggle over who will attend AGM as the Director.

Ways to deliver the insight through conflict
a. Both are busy and have to juggle commitments. Jodie finds a way to deliver on both her promises and get to the AGM on time.

3.New way/Insight
Tiff: I’m going to work for myself.
What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
Public humiliation: Argument with manager at work.
Ways to deliver the insight through conflict
Manager at work refuses to give her access to a spreadsheet she needs to complete a task. Tiff argues with her until the penny drops and she realises she doesn’t have to work for this woman if she doesn’t want to.

4.New way/Insight
Anne realises she doesn’t have to put up with being treated badly at work or with her family.
What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
Stakes raised: It’s either her or her sister at the family party, but it can’t be both.
Ways to deliver the insight through conflict
Anne wakes up after a night with the girls to write to her father, telling him she refuses to be treated as a second class citizen. We see the email being written and sent.

5.New way/Insight
Calli learns to appreciate her natural beauty.
What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
Verbal abuse: The night of the music festival, she appears onstage and suffers verbal abuse from transphobic people in the audience.
Ways to deliver the insight through conflict
Calli’s response to the verbal abuse is to sing beautifully and get a standing ovation.

C. Irony delivers insight

Georgia:
1. She doesn’t have to be the one to control and decide everything for the family – other people have skills and can be trusted to use them too.
2. Georgia assumes that she will make dinner but the boys ask for Dad to make it, as they love his special sauce. When she asks what he adds that makes his sauce taste so special, the kids answer “Being silly when he’s cooking”.

Jodie:
1. She realises she can run the business and still be an amazing mum and daughter.
2. Expects the kids will be angry with her for not making it to their parent-teacher interviews because she’s stuck in traffic driving back from Bendigo after seeing her mum, and thinks the employees at their business will resent her for dialling in to the AGM on another occasion. In reality, the kids are proud of her for running the business and looking after Bibi, and her employees give her a standing ovation round of applause for turning around the business so that they keep their jobs.

Tiff:
1. She realises she can be her own boss and take charge of her future
2. Argues with manager at work and is asked to attend a disciplinary meeting. Goes to meeting and comes out with her own perspective validated. Knows she can do a better job than the manager and believes in herself to run a similar project from scratch.

Anne:
1. Believes in herself and refuses to be treated as second best.
2. Sends letter to her father expecting very little in return, and prepares for a breakdown in the relationship. She receives a reply that puts her front and centre, reinforcing the idea that she needs to stand up for herself more often.

10. What are the Most Profound Lines of the Movie?

Pattern A: Height of the Emotion

Georgia:
A
1. Martin opens the door when she returns from her conference and gives her the biggest hug. He has tears in his eyes.
2. “I’ve been so scared I’d never see you again”.
“We all missed you. So much.”
“I’m sorry”.
3. Georgia and Martin had an argument before she left for the conference. The last time Martin went to a conference it was to Las Vegas at the end of September 2017, and he was caught up in the shooting that cost more than 50 people their lives.

B
1. Georgia expects to get up on Sunday to take the kids to sport, only to be brought breakfast in bed and told to stay where she is, and to have a lie in.
2. “We owe you.”
“I should have been doing this for you all along.”
“I’ll score a goal for you, mum”.
3. Georgia works from 6am every day, and gets up to sort the boys out for sports every weekend. When she returns from her conference, the kids and Martin insist that she have one lie-in a week. They know she needs a break more than they need her to watch them play, and promise to play their best in her absence.

Jodie:

A
1. Jodie tells Graham that her mum has stage 4 cancer. They share a look. Graham tells her to go and be with her mum.
2. “Go. Just go.”
“Don’t say anything, just drive safe give her our love when you get there.”
“Under control. Family first”.
3. Jodie has already stepped in to run the company while Graham is re-training as a teacher, and now she learns the worst news possible. Graham steps up and take over the kids, the appointments and the emotional load for the family, so that she can cope with driving to see her mum who lives 3 hours away. Jodie’s motto has always been “Family First”. Hearing it said back to her is poignant.

B

1. Jodie is lying in her bedroom in the dark and tries not to show the kids how upset she is at the loss of her mum. She sobs into her hands and says (of her mother) “She was the best mum in the world.”
2. Ethan puts his hand on her shoulder and says ”But mum, you’re the best mum in the world”.
3. Jodie has been juggling the business, being an attentive mum and caring for her terminally ill mother. She feels that she can’t keep going now that she’s lost her mum. Ethan’s belief that she is the best mum in the world is the light she needed to pick herself up and carry on.

Tiff:

A
1. Tiff’s daughter brings home work from school at the end of term, including a picture of “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up” – it is a picture of a nurse/doctor in scrubs.
2. Her daughter has written “I want to help people, just like mum” on the picture.
3. Tiff is at an emotional low point and is being made to second-guess her nursing skills. Seeing the picture is a reminder of all the good she has done and how capable she is pf ding her job. The bullying from one nurse manager is not enough to define her.

B
1. Zac presents Tiff with the upcycled furniture for Anand’s family.
2. “Mum, I think I’ve found my passion”.
3. Zac has been drifting aimlessly since finishing high school. Creating something new and beautiful from something old and discarded has given him a sense of purpose. Declaring that he has found a new direction that fills him with excitement is a wish come true for Tiff. She has spent their childhoods teaching them that they don’t have to get the top scores at school, or be the brainiest of them all, but they do have to find something that makes them happy and hopefully gives back to the community too.

Anne:

A

1. Receives email from her dad – nervous to open it for fear of the content and further rejection.
2. Reads “Dear Anne, this is your official invitation to the family party”.
3. Anne has been told to stay away from the family party because her sister is attending, and her sister has said she won’t attend if Anne attends. Anne was told not to attend the party in case she upset the sister, which caused significant heartbreak for Anne. After emailing her father to say that she refused to be ignored, she was fearful of the response, especially considering her father had already put the sister first in his consideration. To read that she is invited to the party is a profound relief.

B

1. Walks out of work knowing she will never go back to work there again, feeling both triumphant and terrified.
2. “Never say never.”
3. Anne has been treated badly by a manager at work. She has told people she would never do anything to jeopardise the smooth running of the Unit, because she feels responsible for its success. After being told she will not be asked to provide input to discussions on the future running of the Unit (that she runs), she realises that it’s out of her hands and not her responsibility any more. By walking out, she knows she is taking all the knowledge on the running of the Unit with her and placing it in jeopardy. Hence, never say never.

Anand:

A

1. Rushes into restaurant to find Tiff, knowing she is a midwife, because his wife has just gone into early labour and the ambulance can’t get there for another half an hour due to a multiple car accident in the area.
2. “But you’re the only person I trust.”
3. After being made to feel incompetent at work, hearing that Anand trusts her to deliver his baby is a huge boost to Tiff’s confidence. She takes Anand’s delivery scooter and get to his wife in plenty of time to deliver the baby safely.

B

1. Opens the door to the new apartment that the women have arranged and furnished for him and his wife.
2. “A palace for my Queen.”
3. Anand promised his wife when they were living in a single room that one day she would live like a queen. He sees the apartment for the first time with the innocent eyes of a child and a sense of deep gratitude. When they first open the door they are lost for words. “A palace for my queen” resonates with the audience who have heard his promises to her and know how much he adores her.

Calli:

A
1. Prepares to go on stage to sing for the first time, full of nerves and terrified of the crowd’s reaction to her as a transwoman.
2. “Tits and teeth, girl, tits and teeth”.
3. Calli has transformed herself multiple times already. From man to woman, and from fake to authentic. She is now about to stand in front of a bunch of strangers as her true self, without a make-up mask or flashing her boobs to “fit in” as female. Previously “tits and teeth” meant “fake it” as something to hide behind. Now it means “brave it” as she puts her authentic self forward.

B
1. After lamenting that she will never be able to have kids, her partner surprises her with a puppy so she can be a doggie-mama.
2. “Oh baby! He looks just like you!”
3. The puppy does indeed look just like her partner. It’s a sweet moment as we see a new family forming before our eyes.

Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes

1. “Family first”
Beginning: Jokingly said to Ava when she says she’ll offer free cinema tickets to her friends.
Said by Jodie to Graham when he asks if she’ll cancel a catch up with a friend because they need to have a business meeting with their lawyer. She obliges because family is the most important thing to her.

Middle: Said by Anne to Chris as a reason for not challenging the situation at work – she puts her family first and doesn’t want to jeopardise her career and their income because of bullying at work, no matter how hard that is.

End: Said by Graham to Jodie when she is told her mother has stage 4 cancer. He is telling her to prioritise her mother while he looks after their own family.
Spoken as almost the last line when the women raise a toast at dinner. “Family first. And fuck the rest.”

2. “You’re the best mum in the world”
Beginning: Spoken by Ethan as Jodie drops him and Mia off to school in the car.
Spoken by Finn and Zac when Tiff hands them cash to go to the movies.

Middle: Said by Jodie to her mum when she learns she has cancer.
Said by Imogen to Tiff when she hands her the painting of the nurse/doctor.

End: Said by Anand to his wife when she gives birth.
Said by the boys to Georgia when they give her breakfast in bed.
Said by Ethan to Jodie after Jodie’s mum dies.

3. “Tits and teeth”
Beginning: Calli says this to herself as a mantra that means “Grin and bear it” as she exits the restaurant in the pilot episode with her blind date. She doesn’t really want to be with him but hasn’t got the confidence to turn him down.

Middle: When the women meet Calli in the bathroom and she’s upset, they say it to mean “Show your confidence and accept no shit”. They send Calli back to her date to tell him she doesn’t want to leave with him that night. She’s putting her physical and mental health first.

End: When Calli says this to herself before she goes on stage, it’s to say “Be brave, put your best foot forwards and do your best”. Facing a crowd is her biggest fear, so this is a call to confidence, made especially ironic in that she is no longer flashing her cleavage to convince people she’s female.

11. How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?

A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly

We need to look inward to find our true selves. Once we’ve found it, we need to live with integrity to be truly happy.

We are all a corporate leader, full-time mum, entrepreneur and creative genius, and anything else we want to be.

It will be delivered as a toast that the women each raise their drink to.

B. Lead Characters Ending Represents The Change
Transformable characters:
Georgia: Signs up for an evening class to learn ink painting. Demonstrates that she is taking time for herself and expecting reliable support from husband.
(Husband is now present for kids and committed to making time for Georgia to do things for herself)

Jodie: Values her friends and family more than things and status symbols. Organises a picnic – sausage sizzle – at her place with no airs or graces. Bring a plate. Makes a speech to thank her friends for their support. We see she has outgrown roots and is planning on dying her own hair. She also manicures her own nails now. She announces a new business she is launching. For herself.
(Husband is 100% behind her business venture and takes over kid pick ups and drop offs)

Tiff: Enjoys working part time and is going into business with Jodie. Becoming an entrepreneur.
(Husband commits to working full time so she can focus on new partnership with Jodie)

Anne: Has new expectations for relationship with family. Tells work she is quitting. Plans to write a book and sell it on Amazon.
(Husband commits to therapy and medication to manage his moods, creating more psychological safety for Anne)

C. Payoff Key Setups

Georgia:
Set ups: Managing school meetings/ meals/food prep/ medical appointments / cancelling her own plans
Pay off: Has time for herself, non-negotiable. She gives them a gift of a hand made painting.

Jodie:
Set ups: Focus on external validation (Hair, nail) and status symbols (huge house)
Pay off: Focus on personal relationships and intrinsic value (cost-free bbq picnic to thank friends for support while not looking her best-ever)

Tiff:
Set ups: Husband out of work, gives up job, kids not contributing,
Pay off: Working part time and planning new business.

Anne:
Set ups: Unable to make decisions, feels insecure, needs reassurance from family and husband and employer
Pay off: Knows her own self worth and quits job to back herself as a writer.

D. Surprising, But Inevitable
Georgia: Husband will sign up for a new personal challenge – making us feel he is returning to his old ways and Georgia is back to square one. BUT we learn she has signed up for a creative class, stamping her new intentions onto the family dynamic.

Jodie: After her mother’s death, she takes on the role as matriarch of the family, seemingly taking on her father as yet another project she has to manage for other people. BUT we learn her brother is stepping up and she sidesteps becoming the matriarch to focus on her own project (new business).

Tiff: Losing confidence in her own ability when bullied at work by nurse manager. After delivering Anand’s baby, she rebuilds her confidence and we believe she will go back too nursing. BUT after seeing their one-room living conditions and setting up their new apartment, she has the idea for a business plan that she takes to Jodie.

Anne: She returns to work after the trip to see her father and continues to be bullied by her manager with a new perspective that we feel will protect her mental health and make work tolerable. One incident pushes her over the edge and she quits triumphantly.

E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line
Here’s to who we were and who we’ve become. May we trust our inner selves and support each other to become the best that we can be. Whoever we want that to be.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  Angela Booth.

[Diane Keranen]

Angela, would you like to exchange feedback? My genre is Drama. I don’t see the other forum that was mentioned in the assignment, but I see both of us have posted to the regular forum. If you’re ready for feedback exchange, I’m willing to do it here in this forum.
Diane

[Angela Booth]

Hi Diane,

Yes, I’d like to exchange feedback. I will take some time tomorrow to thoroughly read through your profound map/ideas and provide feedback asap.

Thanks for reaching out 🙂

Angela

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, I’ll do the same for you.

[Diane Keranen]

Profound Feedback to Angela – Version 1

I’m going to try to stick closely to the Skill Master Sheet for Profound Screenwriter available in Lesson 16.

First, I find the title interesting. I would take a second look to see what it being caught up.
Second, I’ve noticed streaming sites like Netflix are producing quite a few Limited Series shows. You might be at the right place at the right time. I wish you well.

1. Profound Truth: Nice. I see this as a timeless truth that can be told in so many different ways. Take a look at part B for this part of the map. It helped me to work on the B part of this part of the mapping: What shift or change do I want my audience to experience during my movie? It was trickier than I thought to write that out.

2. Transformational Journey: I like that I can see how all of your characters make transformations.
Transformational Logline: I’m wondering what the inciting incident is that prompts them to “reassess their priorities and values.” What happens that lights a fire under all of them for the duration of time this story takes place. What I mean is, a friend of mine and I are currently undergoing transformational journeys. Two years ago, her husband died suddenly and she’s recently reached a stage of grieving that allows her to move forward. My husband is currently experiencing significant health issues and I must reshape my career to be available to give care. These two inciting events (reaching a stage of grief, and husband’s health downturn) happened at pretty much the same time for us both and set us on our own transformational journeys. In this draft, I’m unclear of what gets your characters moving and how this telling of the story is unique. It actually reminds of a sort of “coming of age” story, but not for kids, for these adults.

3. Who are Your Lead Characters? — I like how your four or five main characters portray distinct personalities: Georgia, overburdened mom; Jodie, capable but makes mistakes; Tiff, the rule-breaker/secret-spiller; Anne, the klutzy, kind one; and Callie, the identity crises. I’m a bit confused because your Logline says “four friends catch up…” but five are described for the Transformational Journey. Is Callie a supporting character like Anand? Or is she a Lead?
Transformable/Change Agents: I like that I can see that this group of characters, at different times in the series, trade places to be either the transformable character or a change agent. It’s a complex story that I’m assuming takes place over the course of approximately seven hours of screen time (2 hr pilot, 1 hr episodes?).
Oppression: What a time to be writing a story like this when included in the political landscape is a segment that is trying to impose more restrictions on women. I say again, this might the right time for a story like this.

4. How do You Connect with Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
Nice. The different personalities are wonderful. There’s such variety from stress to comic relief. Nicely done.

5. What is the Gradient of the Change?
Gradient 2. Great job on the Setup, Journey, and Payoff.
Gradient 1. The “Forced Change” Emotional Gradient: I got stuck a bit on the Emotional Gradient part of the map because it seemed more like events than emotions. What I mean is: Denial: Rather than, “Money embezzled from the business,” something like “Jodie is stunned when she learns money was embezzled from the business and refuses to believe it could be true.” By focusing on the emotional stakes, the map might be a stronger assist when it comes time to write the script. (Now I’m wondering if I did this on mine. Oh, gosh. So much to think about.)
Gradient 3. The Challenge/Weakness Gradient: Nice job. I like that you’re digging deep into your characters. I wonder, however, if the challenge/weakness mapping might be clearer if the weakness wasn’t “fixed” right away in these explorations. What I mean is if the challenge is listed and then the weakness is listed, the character conundrum is spelled out before you and maybe keep the options open for what happens. For example, Challenge: She must maintain stability for her family, husband and business as well as support her father (emotionally? financially?). Then the Weakness: Believes she’s the only one who can do it the right way. I find it so easy to try to fix the problems the characters have and this class is helping me separate out the parts that need to be focused on and developed before any fixes can happen.

6. What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?
MM1—I love the text messaging to finalize their meet up. I can picture it in my mind with each one busy doing something and pausing to text the others. Love it! I can see better here how there is a subtle call to action based on the conversations. It’s like they all come to a fork in the road at this dinner and decide, “Look at us. Stuck in ruts we didn’t dig. Let’s go. Let’s make our live more our own.” This is just what I thought as I read this. It’s not a suggestion for dialogue. My friend and I didn’t plan a simultaneous transformational journey, but we both picked up that it was time to move.
MM2—Okay. I think I see how they get locked into their commitment to take action. I think you have a lot more detail in mind that shows up here only in part, but it looks like you’re on the right track to me.
MM3—Good. These are not big “solutions” so they fail because the characters underestimated the problem.
MM4—Great job! I actually uttered an “Ooooh!” when Mart got injured.
MM5—Nice! At each of these different mapping stages, there’s a bit more information about your script that gets revealed. The more I read, the more I’d like to read the script.
MM6—Nice. I like it. The harder they try, the more things are going in the wrong direction.
MM7—Georgia, Jodie, and Tiff are accomplishing their journey. The Anne story is a bit confusing here, but it seems like you know how this is a victory.
MM8—Good. I like that I can see how they transformed. However, I miss the Callie story. The transgender story could be that element that makes this telling of this group of friends timely for today.

7. Challenging the “Old Ways”
Questioning:
Great Georgia questions from Martin.
Ooo, I like the “Do you even know what you want to do for fun?” question.
Counterexample:
The time-wasting is great. It’s so easy to get caught up in those things once we get in a rut. I think that’ll contribute to “relatability” as well.
Should Work, But Doesn’t:
I don’t think I did this part right on mine. I’ll have to review this part of the map. I see what you’re doing here in terms of developing the steps. This is helpful to me.
Challenge through Living Metaphor:
I think it would be helpful to point out what is acting as the metaphor. For example, what represents Georgia’s expectation? What represents Jodie’s and Tiff’s stress? What represents Anne’s need to attend to her father? You probably have these already worked into your script, but it’s helpful to pull them out and examine them as elements of the telling of the story. For me, as a reader, the metaphor isn’t readily apparent. (I’m trying to avoid going back to my writing to see if I did the same thing. =:[]

8. Present Insights of the New Ways Through Profound Moments:
A. Action Delivers Insight: I like that you’re pulling out how this is happening for the characters. The actions clearly do change for insightful reasons.
B. Conflict Delivers Insight: Good job. I think 3 and 4 are the strongest examples.
C. Irony Delivers Insight: The Georgia example is awesome!
9. Profound Dialogue:
Pattern A – Height of Emotion: You’ve got some really nice dialogue in these.
Pattern B – Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes: I like all three of these. I think they all are strong examples.

10. How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?
A. Deliver the Profound Truth Profoundly: Nice job. I like that you’ve moved past the “We can do anything a man can do” sort of old hat. They’re measuring themselves against their old ways to celebrate their new ways.
B. Lead Character’s Ending Represents the Change:
Oh yay! I like that Georgia’s taking those lessons that earlier had been something she watched and only took up good time for other things. Quite satisfying! This one, I think, is the strongest of the four you listed here.
C. Payoff Key Setups:
I wonder about Georgia here. Isn’t Anne the gift-giver. Wouldn’t Georgia focus forward and go deeper into artful expression as part of her non-negotiable self-growth? The others seem consistent with what you say about them earlier.
D. Surprising, But Inevitable:
I like all of these!

11. Leave Us With A Profound Parting Image/Line:
Good. This is consistent with the story. As an audience member, I’d like a fresh spin on this. I don’t have a suggestion, but it feels like this dialogue is a bit stale. With all the exciting things you have going on in their lives, there’s something to work with to spice this up. Instead of feeling that I’ve heard this many time before, I would like to walk out of the theater feeling exhilarated and inspired to strive to be my best self. I really wish I had a suggestion to show you what I mean.

[Angela Booth]

Thank you Diane!
Amazing feedback, thank you so much for reading through it all.

I have posted my feedback on your movie as a reply to your original post.

If you want to exchange further, my email is angebooth@gmail.com

Take care,

Angela

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Profound Map Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is how much more meaningful my story can be when every character contributes to that one profound truth that permeates the story not only on the surface level but also in a variety of deeper layers. The characters have specific jobs and we write to connect characters to the audience and take them through the transformational journey, so they feel it with the characters and there are many ways to add this depth. My story, while the same story in a broad sense, has been deepened by the writing strategies I applied to explore so many ways to make it so much more meaningful and profound than the draft I started with.

TITLE: Not Dead Yet
WRITTEN BY: Diane Keranen
1. What is Your Profound Truth?
A. Admiring combat and ignoring or minimizing the effects of combat trauma is destructive to the lives of veterans and their families.
Beneath that: real-life combat is not glorious
Beneath that: combat trauma is powerful and deadly
Beneath that: effects of combat trauma tears families apart
B: The shift I want my audience to experience is to evaluate their own Old Ways perspective and develop empathy for combat-affected veterans to see they are not weak or mentally ill but that their combat trauma is still with them. Avoid pulling them back into their old life because it doesn’t fit them anymore. Be less quick to support combat “solutions” to international conflicts so fewer soldiers see combat.
2. What is the Transformational Journey?
Old Ways: Soldiers who return from combat duty are welcomed home, thanked for their service, and are expected to return to a normal civilian life by reintegrating with their family. The Old Ways lack recognition that the veteran is treated as a symbol of “country” or “patriotism” and their individual reality of lasting combat trauma is forgotten about so the symbol can remain pure. Combat trauma is a sign of weakness or mental illness. Protecting the symbol is important.
Journey: Matt has been serving in combat for three rotations. He wants to stay home this time. With determination to make things work at home, he seeks to re-establish a relationship with Stewart (his estranged dad) who is also a combat veteran to get advice on how to transition back successfully. Stewart’s perspective on life as a combat-affected veteran sends Matt spiraling into a personal crisis where he doubts he can live in his post-war world. He considers suicide. He attempts suicide, but Stewart intercedes in the nick of time and helps Matt realize that living is better than dying (he’s not dead yet, but suicide will only make him more of a symbol). Stewart helps Matt get on a path to creating a life where he can recognize his strength and survive to return to his family.
New Ways: Overcoming a stigma that combat trauma is a sign of weakness or mental illness. Recognizing that a post-combat life is possible but different than what was expected and affects the entire family. Bringing to light the horrors of war rather than a romantic notion of honor, patriotism, and flag-waving. Changing how the combat-affected veteran is welcomed back home is paramount to saving lives and families.
Transformational Logline:
1. [Transformable Character with an issue…] A soldier returning from combat
2. […takes a journey that challenges them deeply…] seeks his estranged father’s advice on how to survive his post-combat return to civilian life which takes him to the brink of death…
3. […and concludes with the transformation.] which helps him see why his family and country need him to survive.
3. Who are Your Lead Characters?
Change Agent (the one causing the change): Stewart and Claire
Transformable Character(s) (the one who makes the change): Matt
Betraying Character (if you have one): Sara
Oppression: Social expectations that veterans must “man-up” and “not be wusses.” We don’t want to know about the horrors of war because we want to celebrate the bravery, the sacrifice, and honor of our soldiers. The stigma of weakness and mental illness among returning soldiers.
4. How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
A. Relatability – They Are Us! We’re in the run-up to the Fourth of July Celebrations. There’s a surprise welcome home party for a returning soldier.
B. Intrigue: Returning soldiers want to be celebrated. Right? The returning soldier is exhibiting stress and anxiety; will the party help him? Why don’t Claire and Stewart live together? Clearly, they love each other. Will Stewart help Matt? What’s his hang-up? Will Jake learn the Old or New ways? Who is it that’s Not Dead Yet?
C. Empathy: We want Matt to have a normal life. We feel the love between Claire and Stewart. We’re excited for Jake to have his father home. We feel the angst of Jake’s efforts to win the respect of his father so he doesn’t leave again. We want to celebrate with Sara.
D. Likability: Matt has served honorably and want to get back to a normal life. Jake is excited for his father’s return. Sara is doing a lot to welcome Matt back home. Claire is kind and caring yet she’s bold in her pressing for change between Stewart and Matt. Stewart is layered; determined to protect his loved ones, but doesn’t see how his efforts hurt them; he’s strong with flaws.
5. What is the Gradient of the Change?
What steps do the Transformational Characters go through as they are changing?
Gradient 1. The Emotional Gradient: Stewart is forced to remove the barriers that he believes keep his loved ones safe in order to give Claire what she wants (Matt to find a way to be happy with his family & for she and Stewart to finally live together again)
A. The "Forced Change" Emotional Gradient

Denial: Stewart wants to stick with his distancing strategy because he believes it’s the best way to protect his loved ones. Denies the ability to help them. He also feels safer when he’s distanced.
Anger: Claire presses Stewart to help Matt now that Matt is also a combat-veteran and better understands why Stewart has been so distant. This angers Stewart because his safe-space is being trespassed upon.
Bargaining: The initial confrontation between Stewart and Matt where Matt was dropped off at Stewart’s place passed-out drunk. They both question whether this is a good idea or a mistake.
Depression: Stewart sees that his advice is only causing more anxiety for Matt and believes this was a big mistake.
Acceptance: When Matt goes missing, Stewart finds him just as he’s decided to take is life and stops Matt from ending his life. This motivates both of them to re-evaluate their status quo and make meaningful change.

B. The "Desired Change" Emotional Gradient

Excitement: Matt wants to return to his family and leave the military for good.
Doubt: He’s returned before and tried but failed.
Hope: His father’s perspective makes sense to him and is hopeful he can exercise this advice.
Discouragement: Matt’s efforts meet with a joking ridicule and he sees how difficult this will be. He visits the site of Gavin Jr’s death and considers how taking his own life is an option.
Courage: Matt weighs the awards and honors he’s earned through his service in combat against the horror he witnessed. He musters his courage for one last deed.
Triumph…or Loss: He loses the battle to return to such an impossible life and decides to take his life. But, also triumphs because Stewart finds him and stops him. The life/death crisis helps Matt understand Stewart’s perspective.
Setup: Matt is coming home from his last deployment.
Journey: Comes home, gets drunk, meets with Stewart, applies advice, fails to get acceptance, and decides to take his life.
Payoff: Saved at the last moment by Stewart, the crisis flipped the switch and now Matt’s ready to live and come home to a world that fails to accept his true self and find a way to navigate this battleground for his personal identity vs symbol of “country/patriotism.”
Gradient 3. The Challenge / Weakness Gradient
Challenge: Society’s expectations of returning veteran
Weakness: Matt’s one man against the world; a David and Goliath fight.

Challenge: Matt learns Stewart’s perspective (New Ways) and tries to implement them.
Weakness: Those in his world, his wife and friends, consider the New Ways to be weakness

Challenge: Neither the Old nor the New ways seem to work for Matt
Weakness: Matt decides there’s a different way out from them both (death)

Challenge: The conflict between New and Old ways is unwinnable.
Weakness: Matt decides to take his life to escape both ways.

Challenge: Stewart stops the death effort and clarifies the conflict for Matt.
Weakness: Matt remains unsure he can make it back but sets aside his own judgment for the judgment of his father.
6. What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?
Mini-Movie 1 ¬ Status Quo and Call to Adventure

Fade in on Jake hunting for the first time. He kills a rabbit and is traumatized by the suffering and death he caused. This is nothing like his video games. He’s congratulated by his hunting party so he hides his reaction from the others.

Cut to Claire arriving at Stewart’s cabin where he just sold a hand-crafted kayak to a customer driving out. Matt calls Claire just as she arrives. As she talks to Matt, he asks if Stewart knows he’s coming to see him. Stewart reaches for the phone, but Matt disconnects. Claire asks about the sale and they have a light-hearted conversation revealing Claire and Stewart’s relationship before it turns to Matt. Matt’s coming home and wants to make it work this time. Claire convinces a reluctant Stewart to help Matt find his way back home.

Mini-Movie 2 ¬ Locked Into Conflict
Matt turns up at Stewart’s cabin in a passed-out drunk state. He wakes to find himself on the cot in Stewart’s woodshop (where Stewart spent many nights back when he was drinking too much) with Stewart working on a project. Stewart shares his perspective with Matt on how to manage the “celebration” that society wants them to take part in with the horrors of war that are in complete contradiction to something that should be celebrated.

Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem ¬ But Fails.
Matt goes home to Sara and out to visit some friends. They are happy to see him, but when Matt’s not enthusiastic about the celebrating. He tells Sara he doesn’t want the party and to cancel it. Sara presses him to at least play along for now because it’s already planned and their friends want to welcome him home. He drives off and comes across his pre-wartime friends who also don’t want to let him play down their celebration.

Mini-Movie 4 ¬ Hero Forms a Plan
Matt separates himself from the celebrations and finds himself seeking solitude from everyone. A lesson his father unintentionally taught him. He wonders if his father’s advice is actually good advice. When Matt gets back to home, the party is underway.

Mini-Movie 5 ¬ Hero Retreats & Antagonist Wins
He feels out of place among the decorations and hugs and handshakes. The kids (young and old) playing with fireworks grate on his nerves. He leaves the party and visits the site where Gavin Jr. died. He talks to the dead man as if he’s there and realizes that this is a possible solution to his own challenges.

Mini-Movie 6 ¬ Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!
(I’m a bit unsure on how this will work right now.)

Mini-Movie 7 ¬ Crisis & Climax
Matt’s nerves are rattled. He buys some beer and retreats to quiet solitude at the end of a dirt road in the woods (the same road where Jake was hunting). In his pickup are awards and medals. He looks through them. Mixed in with them are photos of friends who were killed and some who were maimed. He’s drunk. He takes out his pistol (introduced earlier) and decides to end his life. Just as he’s ready to pull the trigger, BANG! It’s Stewart’s hand slamming on Matt’s pickup window.

Mini-Movie 8 ¬ New Status Quo
Stewart helps Matt to see that his death is not an escape. He will be even more erased from society. By living, they can work together to make the changes to help each other and maybe other veterans too. They do have a purpose other than a symbol of a romantic notion of battle.

7. How are the “Old Ways” Challenged?
What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
A. Challenge through Questioning: Sara doesn’t understand why her husband is against the party to celebrate his return.

SARA
It’s just a party. I don’t know why you’re being so ridiculous about this. Everyone just wants to see you and celebrate you.

MATT
Ridiculous? I somehow make it out without wounds and I have buddies who got blown up in front of me, buddies who are now paralyzed and worse, and you think I’m being ridiculous? What’s to celebrate? My luck to be alive?

SARA
Can’t you do this one little thing for me?

B. Challenge by Counterexample: Stewart acknowledges the pull to think about taking one’s life.

STEWART
My friend, Gav, had a really tough time when he got back. He took to drink more than most. You know the intersection at the swamp, right? The long straight stretch before you get to it?

MATT
Um, hmm. Me and the guys used to play chicken there. See who could get closest without going in. The guy who crashed there. He lost that game.
STEWART
Hmmm.

That was no game. They recorded it as an accident. Drunk driving. But it wasn’t that. He drove his car right off the road.

You know the worst part of it?

MATT
(shakes his head, silent)

STEWART
He told me. Right before he did it. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t hear it. I should’ve. I should’ve stopped him.

MATT
If you didn’t hear him…

STEWART
No. I heard HIM, I didn’t hear IT. What he was saying. That’s what I didn’t hear. What he meant. I heard what he said.

C. Challenge by "Should Work, But Doesn't": Jake, too young to be included in adult conversations, and his friend Cole (both 10) decide that “manning up” was the right way to handle the trauma of killing in real life. To bond with his dad, Jake thinks because his dad was a brave, honorable soldier, that his dad would appreciate Jake growing up and understanding how killing is good.

JAKE
I hated it. When I found the rabbit. It was still alive. Cole, it was looking at me. In the eye. I could tell it was scared and suffering.

COLE
Maybe. Maybe it was just what a rabbit looks like when it’s shot like that. My dad says that a good kill means it doesn’t feel it. You just need to practice more. That’s all.

(MANY PAGES LATER)

JAKE
Dad. Can we go hunting? I want to get to be a better shot like in the video games. Get some good kills.

MATT
Good kills? There’s no such thing good kill. What the hell is that bullshit?

D. Challenge through Living Metaphor
– The rabbit that Jake shoots is a metaphor for the “other is enemy” that society chooses to accept in times of war
– Hunting becomes a metaphor for training young boys to accept that taking life is acceptable when the conditions are right.
– Drinking to drunkenness is a metaphor for self-medicating.
– Self-isolating is a metaphor for the separation between civilian life and post-combat life.
– Gavin, Jr.’s death is a metaphor for no way out of the squeeze between societal expectations and hidden realities of combat trauma (ptsd).
– The lighter that Claire gives to Stewart before he goes to basic training is a metaphor for their love for each other.
8. How are You Presenting Insights through Profound Moments?
A. Action: Stewart lights a cigarette and offers it to Claire. She gives him a look that says “you know I don’t smoke” and they both smile.
A. Insight: They have a history of love that is not only burdened by war and separation but also by good-natured fun.

B. Conflict (uncovers a secret): Matt gets away from the party, crowds, and fireworks. Matt’s stress level is high. He goes to the place where Gavin, Jr died and replicates Gavin’s death ride, but brakes and skids to the edge of the ditch. Matt talks to the long-dead fellow soldier, “I understand why you did this,” and “I get it, this is an option.”
B. Insight (the stakes are raised) Until this point, we know Matt is trying to build a normal civilian life, but when he hits a wall at every attempt, this secret comes out.

C. Irony: Matt gives up and decides to end his life.
C. Insight: The BANG! That we think is the gun going off, is Stewart’s hand slamming against Matt’s window to stop him. The crisis is what helps Matt understand what Stewart has been sharing with him.

9. What are the Most Profound Lines of the Movie?
Pattern A: Height of the Emotion
Matt learns a hard lesson — Stewart describes for Matt how society no longer sees him as a person. He’s now a symbol of patriotism and country. “Out there, you’re not you. You’re a prop they use to feel patriotic. You’re no different than the flag plastered everywhere. You make them feel good about themselves.” Alternative lines: “Your service is to them and it has only just begun.”; “Once you understand how they see you, you’ll start to find your way.”

Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes — “Keep her safe, Stew.”
— In flashback, Stewart picks Claire up for prom. Her dad says, “Keep her safe, Stew. Get her home early.”
— After Matt’s birth, Stewart drops off Claire and baby Matt at her parent’s house, “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby. You’ll be safe here.”
— Claire, voice catching in her throat through sobs, “But our family. We need to stay together. We need you to take care of us.”
— Stewart continues, “Just for now. I need you to be safe… from me, Claire. From me.”

Another Pattern B: “Not Dead Yet”
— Matt opposes Sara’s party, “How can I celebrate when I have buddies who are dead?”
— Stewart describes to Matt that his friend Gavin died by his own hand. “That was no accident.”
— At some point after Stewart stops Matt’s attempt to die, “You’re not dead yet. You can still control how they see you. Once you’re dead, they got you.” (a work in progress)
10. How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?
A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly: Matt comes home as a returning soldier with the determination to “make it work this time.” He starts with this goal, loses it through the internal struggles he faces, and decides to take his life, but is stopped at the last moment, and he returns to his original goal with a very different mindset.
B. Lead Characters Ending Represents The Change: Matt represents the change from Old Ways to New ways most fully in the story. He comes home to and with the Old ways of thinking but transforms to the New Ways before he can survive.
C. Payoff Key Setups: Stewart, at the beginning is estranged from his son. Stewart believes this is the best way to keep from being a bad influence on Matt and to keep Claire physically safe from his sleep-thrashing. At the start, Matt seeks out Stewart’s help to find a way to stay at home. Stewart is reluctant but acquiesces to what Claire wants him to do even though it’s against what he sees as his better judgement. The advice Stewart gives Matt ends up with Matt in a world of emotional hurt and deciding to take his life. Stewart is the one, who at the end of the story, seeks out Matt to save him and this leads to their reunification.
D. Surprising, But Inevitable: Sara is deeply in the Old Ways but when Matt fights back against her plans, she tries to understand him better. Because she’s so deeply Old Ways, she’s unable to do what Matt needs from her, so she (the Betrayal Character) reverts to the Old Ways and tries to get Matt on board with her rather than try and understand the new ways. She tells Matt that, “Stewart has never been there for you. I have.”
E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line: I’m working on this. In an earlier draft, Matt succeeds in taking his life and the final scene is at night. We see Stewart at the fire pit burning the project that he and Matt were working on together. Claire arrives and approaches Stewart who tells her, gruffly, to, “Don’t.” His meaning is to don’t come over here as much as it is don’t try to get me to see your way (the way where she talked him into helping Matt). Claire stops in her tracks. She’s crying. She needs him more than ever. He turns his head to her, knows she’s in great pain, but tells her, “Just go.” In the background, fireworks are going off over the treetops as the crown celebrates the Fourth of July.
With Matt surviving, I think maybe Stewart and Matt could be at a Veteran’s Support Group. (This is an ending similar to the end of Traffic.) With Stewart and Matt sitting next to each other, we could hear, but not see, another veteran trying to explain the same challenges that we saw Matt go through. The words come slowly and inadequately. This story is not just about Matt.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Angela Booth]

Hi Diane,
Please find my feedback on your Profound Map Version 1

Firstly, I love the idea and wish this film was already out there so I could show it to my 15 year old who reckons he wants to join the Royal Air Force. The glory of fighting and war is a dangerous thing and a movie that warns against it would be amazing.
1. What is your profound truth?
A. I feel that the third level of truth is closer to the profound truth – that combat trauma tear families apart. Perhaps even beneath that is: Combat destroys good people without good reason. This would also need support from an anti-war stance, though.
B. Your last sentence feels like the overall essence of the movie – combat destroys people (on both sides) and should not be the “go to” solution. Anyone caught up in combat deserves our respect and thanks, but most of all they deserve our support to carry the weight of their experiences. We cannot expect people to “serve their country” unless we are willing to recognise their emotional sacrifice on our behalf, and the least we can do is openly acknowledge their emotional burden and offer support.

2. I like the way you have described the Old and New Ways of the transformational journey. I also like that someone who has been through it is the change agent (Stewart (and Claire)). I feel that Stewart is also on a transformational journey brought on by Matt having a different approach to life, post-military.

The New Ways of bringing the horrors of war to light are important for the audience to make the shift. We are all sold the notion that “our boys” are fighting the good fight on our behalf, but “we” didn’t ask for them to (the politicians decided that) and “our boys” are facing the reality that they have t make life or death decisions in incredibly murky circumstances – is the woman carrying a load of washing or a bomb, for example. It’s nothing like the First or Second World Wars where the enemies wore a uniform and you could tell who the bad guys were.

Transformational Logline
I feel that the logline is easy to understand but doesn’t grab my attention. I have made a couple of suggestions below:
A traumatised soldier returning from combat contemplates suicide after seeking his estranged ex-military father’s advice upon returning to civilian life. Together, they reassess their experiences and discover that civilian survival is how to win the war.

A traumatised soldier returning from combat contemplates suicide which forces his estranged ex-military father to reassess his own post-war experience. Together they discover that civilian survival is the hardest war to win.

3. Who are your Lead Characters?
I feel that both Stewart and Matt are transformable characters. They can each teach the other about survival. Stewart teaches Matt that survival itself is important, and Matt teaches Stewart that being true to your feelings is important – that mental health, closeness and vulnerability with loved ones and overall quality of life are important.

4. How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
I feel very connected to the main characters from what you describe. I feel for Jake, wanting his Dad to be home. There is probably a parallel that Stewart was away during Matt’s childhood, and Matt feels he missed out on having a Dad around, so he wants to get out of the military now so that he can be there for his own son (breaking the cycle).

5. Gradient of Change
Gradient 1 – the Emotional Gradient:
A This forced change is actually Stewart going through a transformation. I liked the stages and can see this playing out very clearly.
B the Desired Change – this is Matt’s journey: Perhaps his one last deed of courage could be talking to the kids at the local school – he’s in full uniform and representing the “Old ways” – combat is good, it’s a career, you get to travel, it’s all about teamwork, you feel proud etc. It is reflecting on these “untruths” that forces him to contemplate taking his life…? Maybe the very end payoff is to return to the school with his father to present a more balanced view of combat: Still patriotic and proud of his nation and service, but now ready to acknowledge that it involves killing innocent people, or people who believe they are also fighting for the right reason. Maybe he and his father team up to support a more truthful view of the military. Maybe they can even project to the future where drones are used and people are asked to kill remotely, even more removed from the lives of the people targeted? Maybe they can begin to serve as a warning for the younger generation that killing without emotional involvement (ie by drone) is even more dangerous. Jake has already experienced killing the rabbit first-hand and feels confused by the sadness he feels and the positive feedback from the hunting party. Perhaps Stewart and Matt can acknowledge Jake’s feelings and promise never to make him go hunting “for fun” again…?

6. Mini Movie:
#1: I really like the opening with Jake discovering what the adults have completely forgotten: killing without good reason never feels good and leaves you traumatised. The fact that he has to hide his feelings is a good set up for the theme of the movie.

#2 I like the parallel of Matt waking up in the woodshop, just as his father used to do. It sets us up for seeing the pattern and then understanding why the pattern can’t continue. Does Stewart thng men should just be quiet on the subject of mental health? It’s not completely clear what their different perspectives are, but I assume Matt feels it is awful to celebrate war and his dad feels you have to do it for the community.

#3 I like that he is thwarted in staying away from the party by pressure from friends, family and society’s expectations. He is trying to honour his fallen comrades and the horror of war but they all want to paint a pretty picture of it. I feel his frustration and sense that no one understands him. This helps me to understand why he would think that taking his life later is a solution. Maybe Jake is also seeing his dad as a hero?

#4 I’m not sure what his father’s perspective is – keep quiet? Play along? It makes sense that he seeks solitude when everyone is on at him to play along

#5 and #6 I wondered whether he could visit the grave on the way home to the party? That way, he has to face the party after the solitude. Since you’re looking for something to be the bigger, better plan, maybe he agrees to give a talk at the local school about being a “war hero” against his better judgement because he thinks it may help him to come to terms with his experiences if he explains them to a room of strangers? But he is forced to give a positive talk, one that suggests war is OK, which doesn’t sit right with him? Maybe he sees Jake being proud of him and he feels ashamed for not being the hero his kid thinks he is?

Perhaps after giving the talk, he questions everything even more and THEN feels that death is the only true escape? This would lead on to #7 more naturally, and would show that he has tried everything to come to terms with his experience before feeling that he has to give up on life itself.

#7 I loved the slam of the hand on the window – a good jump scare instead of the gunshot. Clever.

#8 Both Stewart and Matt are transformed. Stewart by acknowledging that war has a traumatic impact on soldiers (and their families) and Matt by acknowledging that there are other ways to shape his own narrative/story. He can stand tall and proud for serving his country AND tell the truth about the horror or war and what it does to people.
Perhaps he and Stewart return to the school and give a second talk a few months later, talking about mental health generally, not only in the context of war. (E.g. doctors and nurses are also traumatised by what they see at work, as are psychologists, teachers, police officers etc. Mental health is an EVERYONE issue).

7. How are the Old Ways challenged?
A: Ooh, the “one little thing” shows just how oblivious sara is to the depth of Matt’s trauma. I love it.

B: Challenge by Counterexample: It’s not clear from the snippet whether “The guy who crashes there” is Gav.
Will you elaborate on what Gav said that Stewart didn’t listen to?

C: I like the dialogue between Jake and Cole and Jake and his Dad. The gruff way Matt speaks to Jake shows that although he doesn’t believe in “good kills” he is still shutting off his emotions to Jake. Jake would be confused by not pleasing his dad, which further pushes him (as a male) to bury his feelings. I like the parallel and how you can show that trauma can be passed from generation to generation in different ways.

On a completely different note, “The Good Kill” would also be a great title.

D. Love the metaphors.

8. How are you presenting Insights through Profound Moments?
A. Very sweet moment between Stewart and Claire.
B. “This is an option”. I feel that “option” is the wrong word. By the time you feel suicidal, it feels that there are no options left. Maybe simply “I get it.” Is enough to convey the meaning?
C. I don’t know what insights Stewart has been sharing with Matt as they’re not detailed in this document, but I love the jump scare of the bang. Maybe that is the wake up moment for both of them – Stewart also realises how deeply traumatising it is not just for his friend Gav as an outlier, but also for his own son, meaning anyone can feel that way.

9. A: These lines would be a good way for the two of them to reframe how society sees them – on their own terms, by calling out the blind belief in the heroics of war.
B: LOVE this. I assume Stewart suffers with undiagnosed PTSD when he leaves the military too, but he is prone to taking it out on Claire?

10. A. Maybe there can be a play on the emphasis of the words – in the beginning, “make it work” means Matt has to fit in with society’s expectations. Perhaps by the end “Make it work” means re-shaping the local community’s understanding so he can be himself?
B . Perhaps his ending can involve showing part of his normal future – that he educates the local population one small group at a time – e.g. kids, scouts, old folk, mothers groups etc etc
C I still am not sure what it is that Stewart says to Matt that sends him tailspinning, but if Stewart seeks out his son represents a change of perspective and growth, then that is a great payoff.
D Sara has a great line and we as the audience will empathise with her even though she represents the old ways. She has stood by Matt through thick and thin and has also been indoctrinated with the old ways. She will also have to transform to see Matt in a new light and respect his vulnerability rather than simply see him as a war hero.
E Bloody hell. That early version of the ending is heartbreaking. I like the second ending, but perhaps rather than a Veterans Support Group they could start a voluntary education program where they talk about the reality of war, while respecting their country and fellow soldiers.

Overall, I genuinely think this has great potential to address some of the issues not openly discussed when it comes to war. It’s tricky to get people onside for this for exactly the reasons it ought to be made: The people with the money who make the decisions usually benefit from the spoils of war, so combat and using people as fodder makes them millions of dollars.

That’s all the more reason to tell the story, in my opinion!

I would also love it if there were more female characters – maybe friends of Sara and Claire, or people Stewart and Matt come across in shops etc – who can show that society is ready to listen to the truth that society generally is struggling with mental health. Maybe someone’s husband is a cop who witnessed something deeply traumatic, and they sympathise with Sara who is trying to reach out to her husband. Or a male nurse or doctor could mention that they never answer the question “How was your day” honestly because the truth is that no one wants to know how awful their daily job is…. This would help to “normalise” the fact that PTSD, trauma and the wider community suffering because of the lack of care and treatment is a deeply important issue that needs to be addressed.

Well done on getting me to care about the characters, and to want to know more about Stewart, who initially comes across as unlikeable. That’s a great achievement.
Sara feels very 2 dimensional. Perhaps she also needs a transformational journey? From worshipping her hero husband to valuing his integrity and vulnerability?
Also, Jake can go from being confused about killing, and wondering why his Dad does it (his dad is seen by him as both a monster and a hero), to being proud of his dad for helping other people to cope with the effects of war.

I guess somewhere in the story there has to be an acknowledgement that in combat there are 2 sides – even the men who are the enemy believe they are fighting for the right reasons. This sets up an internal battle of confusion – sent by government to kill, but killing men who believe they are also doing the right thing. Can both be right at the same time? Or are both wrong? Is the idea of fighting for oil pipelines (e.g. Iraq, Afghanistan) the right reason to fight? Allies (USA, UK, Europe, Canada, Australia) wrap up the argument as “freedom” – but who is being freed? Who benefits? The answer is always “money makers”. – this could be seen as immoral and therefore adds further confusion for returning veterans. It’s hard to justify killing just so rich oil merchants can make more money.

Great writing! Well done!
Angela

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Angela!

Your feedback is nothing short of brilliant! You’ve helped me see several ways to deepen the meaning of the story.

This has been such a valuable class and I think the best part of it is your feedback.

Thank you, again. I wish you all the best in your screenwriting career.
Diane

[Angela Booth]

My pleasure, I’m glad it’s helpful! My email is angebooth@gmail.com if you want to keep contact outside of the forum 🙂

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Angela. If you have a LinkedIn profile and would like to connect (I’m working on building my profile for screenwriting), my profile is at http://www.linkedin.com/in/diane-keranen-4b61a3115.