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Lesson 16
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David Wickenden Amazing Opening Scene
Before
EXT. FOREST – DAY
A chainsaw whines and the trunk of a massive tree cracks. Rather than falling straight, it twists violently and falls towards a group of four teens. Without thought the larger boy, ROB tackles his friends.
The tree crashes where they had just stood, shaking the ground. With a grunt, Rob pulls himself off the other boys. FREDDY rolls away, manages to crash into IAN. Adam stands and holds his hand out to Ian to help the smaller boy up.
ADAM
Quick thinking, Rob.
He looks at the massive tree.
ADAM
We’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.
Rob turns bright crimson at the compliment and shrugs. Adam is struck from behind and falls to the forest floor into a clump of ferns. He turns to find one of the guards, DOBIE glaring at him.
DOBIE
What in hell are you idiots doing? Any of you assholes get killed on my watch, I’ll kill you!
The guard turns and trudges off.
FLASHBACK – COURTROOM – DAY
Adam stands before the JUDGE O’BRIEN, his parents sit behind him, worried looks on their faces.
JUDGE O’BRIEN
Adam, this is not the first time, you’ve been before me for tagging buildings. The fact that you tagged the Police Station, shows me you have absolutely no respect for authority.
Adam’s knuckles clenches as he listens. His jaw is tightly close.
JUDGE O’BRIEN
A tired kid doesn’t stay up all night getting into trouble, which is why I’m sending you to bootcamp, where you will be kept busy and learn new skills. It will also give you time to consider your actions.
Adam glares at the Judge. His parents nod their heads, hoping this will help Adam.
JUDGE O’BRIEN
There’s no internet up there. You’ll be put to work during the day and be too tired to cause any trouble. I know you’re upset at the passing of your Grandfather, but I’m sure he wouldn’t want you acting out this way.
The Judge points at Adam.
JUDGE O’BRIEN
You might want to give it some thought.
ADAM
You leave my Grandfather out of this. He was the only one who cared about what I thought.
He turns and glares at his parents, who sadly shake their heads.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY – FOREST – DAY
The boys pull heavy canvass straps around their shoulders which are attached to an eight foot log. Together they lean forward, dragging the log through the bush. Black Flies and mosquitoes swarm around their heads.
They stagger under the weight of the log, slipping and falling in the black muck which squirts a marsh. They are soon covered in the slime. Wiping sweat from their faces only spreads the mud across their faces.
In the distance, a metallic clang of the kitchen bell signals lunch and they pull with more urgency. They break out of the forest and angle their path to a palisade that is being built around the camp.
After dropping the log into the trench that has been dug for it, the four drop the harnesses and stagger to the lake to wash off. Adam submerges into the cool water. When he rises, Ian begins scrubbing his back of the caked-on mud.
IAN
(giggles)
Only bug bites left.
Adam ducks under the water to rid himself of any mud. He rises and wipes at the mud on Ian’s back. Ian is a small boy.
I’ve had gotten notes for this script already and knew I had to fix the opening. There are a few issues, so I look forward to this assignment. As it stands, it takes too long to reach the inciting incident. It does a good job of introducing the characters but takes too long.
I first explored the ‘Shocking Opening.’ I need to show the abuse of the guards against the teens in the juvenile boot camp. To do this, I was planning on having a guard doing a beat-down on one kid. My protagonist would stop the abuse, showing his bravery and leadership.
The second opening I looked at was the ‘Intriguing scene from another place in the movie.’ I could have chosen a battle scene and left it hanging with our hero in danger, but I’m not a big fan of this strategy as it gets our hearts pumping but more than often falls flat. If I were a better writer like the fellow who wrote Breaking Bad, I might have given it more thought.
The third opening I tried was the ‘plunge us deep into a unique world.’ It is the opening I decided to use as it leaves a lot of suspense and questions that the viewer will want to see answered. I give you a glimpse of what is happening in heaven. From there, I introduce you to the protagonist.
After
EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY
SALADIN stands panting, his weight on the guard of his sword. Sweat drips from his hair and beard. His eyes take in the surrounding carnage. The carcasses of both enemy monsters and men lie tangled together in heaps.
Survivors move through the field dispatching wounded enemy or assisting injured brother-in-arms. Monks offer ladles of water to the soldiers. Saladin turns as he hears his name called out.
KING RICHARD walks towards him, his expression pained. Saladin clasps the King’s arm and pulls his friend into an enormous hug.
SALADIN
I am glad to see you alive, my friend. There was a time I thought they would break through our defenses.
KING RICHARD
Has it become desperate enough to send out the Sentinels?
Saladin’s eyes sweep across the field. He sighs deeply and nods.
SALADIN
They may have been prophesied, but I fear what we ask of these children.
The King reaches his hand out to Saladin.
KING RICHARD
We must have faith.
EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY
A group stands before a grave site. ADAM (15), solid build with sandy hair. His eyes are two different colors. One blue, the other brown. He stands with his GRANDMOTHER, who is seated in a wheelchair.
Beside her chair lies an older dog who whines as the coffin is lowered. Adam’s father, GEORGE, steps forward and grips the wheelchair. Beside him, his newest girlfriend clings to his arm as her high heels sink into the grass.
GEORGE
Okay Mom, we’ve said our goodbyes. Time to get going. I have a meeting later this afternoon and I still have to drop you off at the home.
GRANDMOTHER
I still don’t understand why I have to sell my home.
GEORGE
We’ve already gone over this. You’re too old to take care of the house and I certainly don’t have the time…
ADAM
I could help Grandma.
His father rolls his eyes.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, sure. Mr. Responsibility. Can’t even get you to cut the lawn.
ADAM
It’s not like you’re ever home to notice, even if I did.
His father rounds on him, his hand reaching to grab his son, before he remembers where he is. He looks around for anyone who might be watching.
GEORGE
(under his breath)
Get in line, Adam or I’ll make your life a living hell.
Adam and his father glare at each other.
A look of apprehension crosses the old lady’s face.
GRANDMOTHER
But what will happen to Scooter?
GEORGE
Well, the home doesn’t accept pets, so he’ll be dropped off at the pound.
A look of terror fills both Adam’s and Grandma’s faces.
ADAM
Dad, you can’t!
Anger reddens his father’s face as he turns to his son.
GEORGE
Enough. It’s time to grow up, Adam. Life is about making hard decisions. I don’t have time for your whining.
ADAM
You’d put Grandma and me down just as quickly if you figured you’d get away with it. Especially if we got in the way of your being re-elected.
His father gets right into Adam’s face.
GEORGE
No, but a boarding school might be a better idea. They might even teach you a little respect.
ADAM
Didn’t anyone ever tell you, Dad. Respect has to be earned. Grandpa was dying and you couldn’t even be bothered to visit. That doesn’t sound like respect to me.
His father lashes out and slaps Adam across the face, almost knocking him from his feet. Grandma cries out.
GRANDMOTHER
No…
Adam’s father turns and roughly grabs the handles of the wheelchair. He shoves the chair forwards across the grass, leaving Adam standing by the grave. The old lady tries to wave at her grandson, but her son pushes her arm down.
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David,
Tough decisions to make! I liked your first open because we meet the boys right away and can see them in a difficult situation. If you wanted to keep it, you could tighten it up a bit. No dialogue is necessary and the courtroom scene could be shorter. That being said, I do like your new open. Since you are dealing with two worlds, it’s important to establish that in the beginning. It also presents us with the question – who are these children? So it works on multiple levels.
Great job working through this assignment. The more we work at it, the better we get.
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David:
This is a challenging assignment and I think your new opening handles it with deftness and skill. The original opening doesn’t show the intersection between the two worlds. I really like to new opening. Demonstrates the “Action Opening” as well as the “Intriguing scene from another place in the script”.
I think the struggle to improve the scene is an indicator of your continued skill and mastery on your script. Well done and I think you have made an excellent choice in the new opening.
Bob
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Love the idea of a grandmother in her underwear making a smoothie, no matter what she looked like. (I had to look up who the character you mentioned was) The animated part was a bit confusing at first, but then seeing that it’s being viewed on a phone explained it well enough. You put a ton of work into this assignment and it shows Deb.
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Deb’s Amazing Opening Scene (Screenplay Title: The Plastic Bag)
What I learned doing this assignment is… when I first read this assignment, I thought to myself, well, I’ve worked this open quite a bit – I’m sure there’s nothing to be changed. I was wrong. I came up with several alternative opens that could all work in one way or another. I went with a completely new first page which expanded/revamped what I was already working with. The dialogue, also, became more extreme.
Original 1st Page:
INT. SMALL CHURCH – DAY
The room is diffused with light. From the back, we see about 20 people scattered among pews that would hold 200. Towards the front are three people: a taller woman, a shorter woman, and a power wheelchair with a headrest. The pastor, his back to the congregation, wears a white chasuble and stole. He, too, faces the altar/cross.
ALL: The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love.
Everyone, in silhouette, is frozen in their positions. It’s quiet. Like we’re looking at a piece of art.
FADE OUT.
INT. SMALL KITCHEN AREA – DAY
A plastic grocery bag full of frozen fruit packages. On the counter is almond milk and fresh spinach. Hands carefully fill a blender with the ingredients.
YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): Grandma, don’t put any spinach in mine.
Grandma puts the spinach in and starts the blender.
She steps away from the counter, and we see her body for she only wears a bra, a fun pendant necklace, and underwear. For 60 years old, it’s a beautiful body. We’re talking about Denise Austin gorgeous. She takes glasses out of the cupboard.
She stoops down to put on a pair of comfortable tennis shoes.
PAISLEY, 40, tight bun and sharp business suit brings her a lovely full-length gown and helps her into it.
PAISLEY: Wrinkles out, except the one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.
GRANDMA’S VOICE (O.S.): Nobody will see it. Unless they look for it.
Here are the three options I came up with:
1) The Setup/Twist Opening:
We see a series of cartoon animations that show a documentary about how plastic bags are made.
pull back to see we are watching this on a cell phone
the video switches to a church service
finally – we see that it’s Delia’s phone. She’s in bed. She turns it off and goes back to sleep.
END SCENE
2) The VO that’s unusual/Combined with/Instant Conflict
Delia (16) tells us this story in voice-over:
“When I was a kid, I was a superhero.”
FLASHBACK – Delia’s father walks down a hall. He carries a duffle bag. Delia (6) does a flying leap and embraces her father’s legs. He almost falls. She begs him not to go – he drags her down a hall.
• Mom pulls her off and Dad makes a quick dash/exit out the front door
• Delia runs for the door; mom locks the glass door.
“I used all my superpowers.”
• Delia crashes through the glass and jumps onto the hood of Dad’s car
• Mom takes her off the hood.
“But my family couldn’t be saved.”
• She reaches out to him, arms and feet bleeding, as he drives away, (a U-Haul attached to the back.)
“Now I’m just an angry teen who hates pretty much everything. Except for maybe pizza… and cats…”
• Present Day: Delia (16) stands at the same glass door wearing a coat and a backpack.
• She looks at the scars on her wrists
“I’ve heard that when a kid loses a parent it’s pretty traumatic. We like to play it down like it’s no big deal ’cause it’s so common – kind of like the way we see dead animals in the road – it’s horrible and disgusting, but it doesn’t bother us all that much.”
• Grandma Abby pulls up into the driveway – she’s got bugs splattered on her windshield
• Mom gives Delia a plastic bag full of snacks – Delia rolls her eyes
“I don’t know – there’s a lot to hate in this world. I see things for what they really are. And what really is – really sucks.”
• Delia exits the house and gets into Grandma Abby’s car
• She buckles up and pulls out her phone.
“And yes, like most teenagers, I’m addicted to my phone. I mean, it’s an escape. Right? Escape. Get away from this lousy world that I hate. Listen to music. See what’s going on. Give people a hard time. Watch other people do something stupid for 30 seconds. It makes me laugh. Is that so terrible?”
• Grandma Abby’s car drives away
“Let somebody else save the world.”
END SCENE
3) Intriguing scene from another place in the movie:
Delia says in V.O. “What possible mischief could a Plastic Bag make? Well, I almost died… “
EXT. PHONE STORE – NIGHT Through the windows we see Delia, Abby and the store clerk. Delia hands an iPhone to the store clerk. Abby and Delia argue and walk towards the exit and proceed out onto the sidewalk. ABBY: It’s called theft. You could go to jail. DELIA: Like you’re going to send me to jail. The traffic on the street is heavy and loud. ABBY: I might. If I thought it would help. DELIA: Why is everyone against me? ABBY: God you are such a drama queen… you can’t even hear yourself… me, me, me, I, I, I. DELIA: You don’t understand. You’re not listening to me. I need a phone. I need a phone. I need a phone. ABBY: I’m gonna kill Steve Jobs. Wait, he’s already dead. Abby laughs. Delia is furious. They both stand on the curb. DELIA: I can’t do this anymore. I try to explain myself as clearly as is humanly possible. But I can’t anymore. I can’t. You’re impossible. Everything is impossible. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Delia steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. A Semi-Truck barrels toward her. ABBY: Delia! Abby grabs Delia by the hair and pulls her back to the curb.
Delia says in V.O. “OK, maybe I shouldn’t blame the plastic bag. Turns out, I had a lot to learn about a bunch of stuff. So maybe we should start at the beginning…”
END SCENE
Here are my revised First 3 pages: (I went w/ #1 – the setup/twist opening)
IN ANIMATED CARTOON: A cat in a construction hat is jerked by a jackhammer as it throws up the earth.
EXCITED NARRATOR: Plastic bags are made from polyethylene.
The sweating cat, in a lab coat, at a pot over an outdoor fire, takes a large bubble wand, and lifts a bubble from the pot.
EXCITED NARRATOR: Plastic extrusion makes a film that is stretched into sheets.
The cat, in a factory smock, picks a bag off the assembly line: it says, “Big Daddy Want You to Have a Nice Day.”
EXCITED NARRATOR: The sheets are rolled, cut, and customized.
The cat puts the bag over its head and runs around crazy.
EXCITED NARRATOR Don’t try this at home.
END ANIMATION.
CG: “1000 Cat Videos, End Playlist” It is a cell phone that plays the video.
It cuts to a crucifix and CG: “Up next: Evening Matins from St. Paul’s”.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The phone is in DELIA’s hand, 16, who sleeps. She has a scar on her wrist. Her facial features are obscured in the dark.
INSERT FROM PHONE: INT. SMALL CHURCH – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS 20 people stand among pews. In particular: two women and a wheelchair. At the altar, the Pastor wears a white chasuble.
ALL (CHANTING): The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Delia stirs and looks at the phone, confused. She looks at the clock; 3:30 a.m. She turns off the screen, cuddles the phone, and goes back to sleep.
FADE OUT.
INT. SMALL KITCHEN AREA – DAY
A plastic grocery bag full of frozen fruit packages. On the counter is almond milk and fresh spinach. Hands carefully fill a blender with the ingredients.
YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): Grandma, whatever you do, don’t put any spinach in my smoothie.
Grandma opens the bag of spinach.
YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): I repeat. Do not, under any circumstances, put spinach in my smoothie.
Grandma takes two big handfuls of spinach, crams them in, and starts the blender. She steps away from the counter, and we see her body for she only wears a bra, a fun pendant necklace, and underwear. For 60 years old, it’s a beautiful body. We’re talking Denise Austin gorgeous. She takes glasses out of the cupboard.
She stoops down to put on a pair of comfortable tennis shoes.
PAISLEY, 40, tight bun and sharp business suit brings her a lovely full-length gown and helps her into it. PAISLEY: Wrinkles out, except the one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.
GRANDMA’S VOICE (O.S.): Nobody will see it. Unless they look for it.
The tennis shoes disappear beneath the bottom of the gown.
She stops the blender and pours the smoothie, inserts a straw, and delivers it to a YOUNG MAN in a power wheelchair who faces a large TV monitor. The Drew Barrymore Show is on.
ON SCREEN: DREW BARRYMORE holds a cell phone and refers to it.
DREW BARRYMORE: Who’s your daddy?
The audience laughs.
Grandma holds the glass; the young man sips the smoothie.
YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): I can taste the spinach.
The door opens and a young PRODUCER enters.
PRODUCER: Torrie, we’re ready for you. Paisley takes the smoothie.
TORRIE (a.k.a. Grandma) exits.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS Producer leads Torrie through a set of hallways.
PRODUCER: Love that necklace.
TORRIE (O.C.): Thank you for noticing. I made it. would you like it?
Torrie takes the necklace off and offers it.
PRODUCER: Oh, no, I… I couldn’t take it.
TORRIE (O.C.): I can make another. Please.
Producer reluctantly but reverently takes it.
They are in a television studio just off the set of The Drew Barrymore Show. A soundman hooks up a microphone to Torrie.
DREW BARRYMORE: I’m so excited to introduce our next guest. You all remember her from that awesome tv show, “Force Five”, where she played the indomitable Carrie Ann. Yet, her career as an artist far exceeds her time on screen. She’s touring the States now with her “Plastic Bag” exhibit, which I can’t wait to see. Please welcome, Torrie Hartmann!
Torrie sweeps onstage to great, exuberant applause.
The Producer holds the necklace and walks down the hall.
CUT TO
INT. GREENROOM – CONTINUOUS The Producer enters holding the necklace. Paisley stands and hits her shin on an end table as she walks toward the door.
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Deborah:
This lesson really requires us to dig deep and reconsider what we “think” of the solid opening we have written. I like the way you handled this lesson and am impressed with the new opening. Shows the “set-up/twist” as well as “the V.O., that’s unusual”. Well written and the second version is so much more interesting in all aspects. I’m looking forward to reading the script when we exchange them soon.
Well written and shows the developing skill Hal talks about throughout the class.
Bob
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LESSON 14 – MOST MEMORABLE LINE
Trish’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned from doing this assignment is that there is always room for improvement. It appears that in the rewrites new ideas pop up. This was fun.
INT – RECEPTION ROOM – FALAISE CASTLE – NIGHT
Duke Robert raises his glass. He looks around the room at all his guests: friends, family, and enemies.
GUEST 1: Someone whispers, “I hope he makes this a short speech.” A woman’s voice.
GUEST 2: After that fealty pantomime, I cannot see that happening. But at least the food will be hot and plentiful.”
GUEST 1: “Is food all you ever think about, Nigel?”
GUEST 2: “No. I think about mead, and wine too. I dream about them. And women of course.”
GUEST 1: “I think you’ve had enough wine. And you do have a wife.
GUEST 2: “I know.”
ROBERT: “Friends,” the Duke begins, “and family, Archbishop, welcome all to share this feast with us in honor of my only son and heir, William, Duke-to-Be of all my kingdom. I am pleased with all the new nobles who have come to swear fealty to my son… especially if I should happen to die before my time.”
Everyone laughs and raises their glasses high.
ALLAN: Duke Allan III raises his glass and toasts, “Long life to William, the Duke to be…but not too soon we hope.”
Everyone laughs again.
ARTHUR THE MAJOR DOMO: The Duke suspects all the guests have been at the mead before dinner. He looks at his major domo with raised eyebrow, who comes forward as if signaled. He speaks in a low voice to Robert. “Your grace, one of the serving boys is a relative of His Grace, Allan de Balonge, and has poisoned your Grace’s next glass of wine. Shall I imprison the boy?”
ROBERT: Robert casually gazes out at his guests. “By all means do so. Take my glass, Arthur, before he delivers it and make sure Allan has it.” Things might get even more interesting as the night progresses.
NIGEL Viscount CANTENTIN: The next to toast, wineglass in hand, “To Duke Robert and his son and heir upon this, his ninth birthday. May he live a long and prosperous life. So, please, raise your glasses. A toast: long live Duke Robert and his son and heir, William.”
The guests all raise their glasses to the toast.
Duke Robert signals the wine steward to pour more wine. Duke first, and then on his right, William. On his left, Walter, brother of Arlette, William’s mother, now wife of his friend Earl Herluin of Conteville halfway across the room. Then all others wherever they stand. He looks around the room, interspersed with more friends, family, and recent enemies, now sworn vassals, suspiciously. Supposedly loyal now. He took a sip from his new glass of wine. Might as well stir the pot.
ROBERT: “Archbishop Mauger, we haven’t heard from you. Don’t you wish William well as the future Duke?”
ARCHBISHOP MAUGER: The archbishop glares at Robert. He might say that more and more as the night unfolds. Strike where the pain would hurt the most. Separate the wolves out. “To the future Duke of Normandy with all good wishes for his reign by the Grace of God.”
ROBERT: “Well spoke, Archbishop. Speaking of reigns,” Robert spoke casually, “I’ve been thinking of taking a journey to Jerusalem to meet the Pope.” Robert watched as Allan switched his wineglass with that of his wife. The scoundrel.
More wine was needed to loosen more tongues. Robert signals for more wine to be served. His very best vintage in honor of the occasion of his son’s acknowledgement, by his vassals of Will. His chosen heir to inherit the kingdom of Normandy, future now secured.
ALLAN: Allan laughs, and sips his new glass of wine. “Yes. Perhaps you should, now that you’ve conquered most of Normandy. No doubt you have much for which to ask forgiveness.”
ROBERT: Robert paused, then lowers his glass. “No doubt I do, Allan. Almost as much as you have to beg God’s forgiveness for your many sins.” Robert watched Arlette pour something into her wineglass. What could she be up to now?
ALLAN: “Beg, my lord?” questioned Allan. Allan grabs for his wife’s wineglass. “I’m sorry my love, but you’ve had enough wine for the night. He knocks it out of her hands, spilling it. He hands the empty glass to a passing waiter. “See that my wife receives no more wine tonight.
CASSANDRA: “But husband…”
ALLAN: “Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra. Hush, like the dutiful wife you are.”
ROBERT: Robert interrupts abruptly, unwilling to see Cassandra further humiliated. “Yes, Allan. Beg…on your knees, if that’s at all possible.”
ALLAN: “Perhaps before the Lord it is, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: “To think that you did Will the honor of bowing before him tonight.” Robert watches Arlette switch glasses of wine, sending her glass over to Allan via the young wine server. The minx.
ARCHBISHOP: “Don’t you think it a bit blasphemous to compare Will to God, Robert?”
ROBERT: “No, Archbishop. As a Duke, as you teach, Will is an agent of God on earth. He deserves as much obeisance as one gives to God himself. Wouldn’t you agree, Alan?”
ALLAN: “Being a Duke myself, I must of course agree. Perhaps thus to only bow before God, then.” Reaching for another glass of wine from the young wine server, Allan clumsily knocks it over.
YOUNG WINE SERVER: “Perhaps a new glass, Your Grace?”
ALLAN: “Of course a new glass, you bumbling idiot.” In a quiet aside, as he pretends to pat at his waistcoat, he whispers, “Five pounds if you give this glass to Duke Robert.” He surreptitiously points to the poisoned with glass, and waits for the servant’s nod, and surreptitiously passes him five pounds and picks out a new wineglass.
ROBERT: “Then you must come with me to Jerusalem before it’s too late. And Nigel must come with us too. And perhaps Roger Montgomery. Let’s all travel down together since we are all so in need of forgiveness.
ALLAN: “It might already be too late, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: “Is it ever too late, Roger Montgomery? What say you?”
ROGER: No, Your Grace.
ROBERT: What better friends could we travel with on a journey of such long duration?”
ROGER: “None other, Your Grace,” Roger mumbles into his wineglass.
ROBERT: “One last glass of wine all around, Arthur, before we eat.” Arthur and the serving boys move among the crowd one more time. Everyone happily accepts more of Robert’s best wine.
ALLAN: Allan muses, “Perhaps we will all come. We shall see what happens before you leave on this journey, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: Robert lifts his final glass of wine, before dinner, the high-lights of the chandelier overhead and the glowing sconces twinkling in it. He raises it to his lips and drains it to the last drop. “Then, to a future journey to bow before God and now a fine meal to be accented with my finest vintage from my own cellars. Can life be any sweeter than this day and this night?”
GUESTS: “No, Your Grace, We wish you and William every felicitation…and we anticipate your dinner with pleasure.” Everyone laughs as they all raise their glasses to Robert and William and drink.
As Robert starts to sit in his chair at the head of the table, he convulses, then crashes into his chair, his glass slipping from his fingers to the floor. Foam begins to pour from his lips. He desperately looks at Will. Will is gaping at his father’s face. Robert reaches out.
The following line is changed to express Will’s terror and to pull the most emotion from the audience that one line can.
WILLIAM
“Papa, papa, papa,” Will screams. He struggles from his chair. Reaching his father, screaming. He drops to his knees, sobbing, “Don’t leave me papa…don’t leave me… don’t leave me.”0
ROBERT: Robert grabs Will’s sleeve and yanks him closer. Spitting foam in Will’s face, Robert speaks wildly, “Run, Will. Run…” Walter suddenly appears and grabs Will. “Hide him…Save him…” Robert is choking on the never ending foam.
The guests are crashing around the room, women shrieking and screaming and grabbing their frightened, wailing children, men scrambling in horror to help them escape, wine and glass tumbling to the floor.
ARLETTE: Arlette runs down the aisle reaching for Walters arm. “Hide him in the forest with the peasants before they kill him. Now, run, the both of you.” Then she turns to Robert, holding him up, trying to wipe the foam away. They have to tear William away from his father, screaming, “Papa papa, papa…!” The Archbishop is running toward Robert to give him his last rites.
One man stands still in the chaos, hands on his son’s shoulders.
Robert looks up, gasping for air as he dies, and looks straight into Allan’s eyes. He watches as Allan turns and walks slowly through the door.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Amazing Opening Scene
What I’ve learned: well, it’s going to start sounding like I’m making excuses here, but once again, I find myself in the situation where the problems with my opening scene were solved by some of the changes I made doing some of the earlier exercises. I’m very happy with the opening as it stands now. It introduces the protagonist and antagonist on the first page, and quickly gives us a sense of who they both are. The antagonist’s introduction comes in the form of a news report, which I recognize is a device that’s often used; but the protagonist’s (Jack’s) introduction is very different indeed. By the end of the third page, we already have a pretty detailed idea of who he is, we have some hints about his relationships with a couple of the other principals, and we have a very clear idea of the predicament he finds himself in. I’ve come up with a few alternative openings, but a) none of them accomplish the same objectives as effectively as this opening does, and b) ALL of them are longer. So here, for better or worse, is my “before” AND “after” opening:
EXT POLICE STATION – EVENING
A reporter stands in front of the station, microphone in hand, as a police vehicle pulls up beside her. ROBIN CONNOR, a middle-aged guy in a business suit and handcuffs, is led out of the vehicle and towards the station by two POLICEMEN. Various REPORTERS try to get Connor to comment as a few other POLICEMEN keep them at bay.
REPORTER
In a stunning development, investment guru Robin Connor has been arrested for running a massive Ponzi scheme. Connor, whose investors included major charities, brokerage firms and pension funds, is accused of bilking his clients–many of them senior citizens–out of hundreds of millions of dollars, and could potentially end up spending the rest of his life in prison.
Over the reporter’s shoulder, the other reporters follow Connor and his escort towards the station, hurling questions at him.
INT JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
INSERT – THE SCREEN OF A LAPTOP shows an image of a cheesy, 80’s-era TV commercial. JACK NEWMAN, an over-the-top late-night huckster in his 30’s, bedecked in a diamond-studded tux and with diamond rings on every finger, sits at a poker table. Stacks of money surround him and he is flanked by three scantily-clad COCKTAIL WAITRESSES.
JACK
Come on down to Diamond Jack Newman’s where every hand’s a winner! I’ll buy your diamond rings, your earrings, your pendants, your necklaces–(holding up bundles of money)–and I’ll pay you in cold hard cash.
The waitresses execute a few steps of shaky choreography.
WAITRESSES
Ooh!
JACK
Don’t delay! Come down today! I’m Jack of Diamonds and–
He holds up a poker hand: a royal flush in diamonds.
BACK TO SCENE
Present-day Jack, a charismatic, feisty old dude in his 70’s, watches the commercial on his laptop. Jack’s the quintessential self-made man, a real rags-to-riches story. He joins in with his younger self for the tagline.
JACK/YOUNG JACK
Have I got a deal for you!
Jack sighs, takes a large slug of whiskey. His phone RINGS.
JACK
Finally!
He looks at his phone expectantly. His face falls as he sees it’s a message from LISA. It reads, “Dad, PLEASE call me already!”
JACK
Oh for the love of Christ, leave me alone!
He deletes the text and taps on his phone. It RINGS.
INSERT – PHONE SCREEN
The name CONNOR shows on the screen.
VOICE (O.S., filtered) We’re sorry, this number is no longer in service.
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
What the hell?
He puts down the phone and taps on his computer keyboard.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
Jack’s email account, showing five emails addressed to Robin Connor that have been marked “undeliverable.”
BACK TO SCENE
Jack, alarmed, opens his online investment account.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
The account’s empty — nothing but zeros.
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
What?! Where the hell did all my money go?
There is a KNOCK at the door.
JACK
What?
BLANCHE pokes her head in. She’s an aging beauty in her 60’s who looks younger than her years.
BLANCHE
What are you doing, Jack? Everyone’s waiting.
JACK
(eyes fixed on the computer screen) Uh, I’m… not going.
BLANCHE
You’re not going? Oh come on, you’ve got to say goodbye.
JACK
I said goodbye already. Twice.
BLANCHE
But he’s your friend.
Jack sits stone-faced, staring at the screen.
BLANCHE (CONT’D)
Oh, you’re impossible.
She leaves. Jack sighs, takes another slug of whiskey, hauls himself up, opens the door and yells down the hallway.
JACK
Alright, alright, Blanche, I’m coming, OK?
He picks up his jacket, hesitates, then opens a drawer packed with bottles of single malt whiskey. He grabs one and leaves.
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