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Lesson 16: Exchange feedback.
1. Post your outline
2. Exchange feedback
3. Rewrite your outline
4. Repeat steps 1 – 3 until your outline shines.
With each time you repost, do the following:
Tell us what you learned as you rewrote your script.Tell us the main improvements you made in your outline.Tell us what you want the next person focusing on.Post your improved outline.
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47 Replies
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Frances Williams Outline Version 1
Title – The Outsiders
Logline – A group of Scientists on an expedition discovers the remains of an ancient Alien ship.
1. Ext -Jungle – Antiqua- Day
Enroute back to Base camp Billy is being stalked by a Monster, he tries to outrun the Monster by hiding in an abandoned mine, he pulls a pistol from his pocket and shoots two rounds into the thing, before becoming it’s dessert.
2. Ext – Base camp -Day
John is sitting at the site when he keeps hearing screams coming from outside the camp near the woods, he decides to investigate and sees Billy fighting with the Monster, he goes to help Billy but before he reaches him, a large claw bursts through a hole in the ground and pulls him beneath the ground.
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Brian King’s Outline Version 1 <s></s>
Title: HUMANZ
Logline: When a young woman battling depression uncovers her father’s plan to create a human/zombie hybrid she must overcome her demons to stop him before his creation changes the DNA of humanity forever.
Horror Outline:
PROLOGUE:
EXT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Blood-dark, a WOMAN with a rope around her neck, wearing a bloody nightgown, hangs from a tree.
INT. MORTUARY – TESS’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Engulfed in a night terror, a young woman, TESS wakes up screaming, a GUNSHOT rings out.
EXT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Tess rushes outside and wraps her arms around the Woman in a bloody nightgown, trying to save her. Max (mortuary attendant) holds a smoking gun, and gestures to coyote footprints and a bloody trail leading into the darkness. When Tess’s FATHER, hypnotic eyes (name TBD) comforts her, she screams, “What have you done to her, that’s not my mother.” Unnatural, “feral” cries come from the darkness. Tess makes eye contact with a “Creepy Girl lurking and clutching a funeral urn.
MM 1 / Status quo/ funeral in a small town
INT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
Protestors outnumber the mourners at Mother’s funeral, objecting to using the cemetery to bury a suicide, Tess’s bestie, GIGI (goth girl) attempts to comfort and overcome Tess. The roar of a Harley motorcycle interrupts the eulogy, as the new sheriff (Ely) rides into town.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
Tess’s friend Sean, a skater punk wearing headphones, sees a woman, an older version of Tess’s mom, wandering the cemetery. BAM. After getting knocked out he comes to and discovers partially devoured human remains.
INT. TESS’S BEDROOM – DAY
Tess peers out a window as MAX (funeral attendant) cuts down the suicide rope and sees Creepy Girl. An eyeball roams through a slit in the wall, watching Tess from an adjacent room. Gigi and Sean Tess go to the cemetery to visit the gravesite.
EXT. MORTUARY – DAY
The Sherriff and Ely grill Sean about the body in the cemetery.
INT. MORTUARY – DAY
Gigi and Sean want Tess to go with them to break into Ely’s home, searching for clues as they suspect that Ely is a zombie. Tess refuses.
INT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
Tess, Gigi, and Sean discover a casket that contained Tess’s mom, unearthed and the body, gone. Tess is convinced her mother was buried prematurely. The Creepy Girl appears and charges Tess, carrying a funeral urn. Unworldly moans/ cries come out of the darkness.
MM 2 – Tess denies that her mother is dead
MOTHER’S BEDROOM – DAY
Tess discovers a suicidal note left by her mother; and sees her Mother’s apparition out a window, eating flesh.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
Ely (deputy) can’t find any unearthed caskets in the cemetery, but does find, “Zombie drool.”
INT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Tess, Gigi, and Sean consult a Ouija board, which spells out, “Pray.” <s></s>
INT. MORTUARY – DAY
Father pays his mistress for spying on Tess.
INT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Tess, Gigi, and Sean sneak into the embalming room, searching for clues to the whereabouts of Tess’s mom, and discover Creepy Girl prowling around and clutching the funeral urn.
EXT. ELY’S MOTEL – DAY
Sean and Gigi hover outside but get scared off by the arrival of the Harley.
MM 3 -The Monster’s secret is revealed/ Tess’s plan to end her depression, in the worst way possible.
INT. MORTUARY – DAY
Tess uncovers scars – “Cuts;” suffers debilitating Panic Attacks/refuses to leave the Mortuary, (Agoraphobia).
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
The body of a half-devoured man was discovered. The Sheriff blames coyotes, the deputy says Zombies.
INT. TESS’S BEDROOM – DAY
Gigi introduces Tess to a Therapist; Tess lashes out at her, “Get out.”… release scene…
INT. LAB/MORTUARY – NIGHT
Sean spies on Father, who reanimates the Man found in the cemetery.
INT. TESS’S BEDROOM
Tess, depressed, confesses to the Therapist she wants to be with her mother… on the other side.
EXT. ELY’S MOTEL – DAY
Sean watches as Ely leaves for his shift, then breaks in.
INT. LAB/ MORTUARY – NIGHT
Father proves to the Sheriff he can bring back the dead (reanimation)-The Sheriff watches as Tess’s Mom comes to life-when the Sheriff panics and pulls a gun, Max disarms the Sheriff –and threatens to kill him unless he’ll go along with Father’s Zombie experiments.
INT. TESS’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sean shows Tess and Gigi the scrapbook he found in Ely’s room: news articles about how Father was fired for doing mad scientist stuff and suspected of using the university lab for “unnatural experiments” on cadavers–when police close in on Father, who disappears; photos of Ely grieving at his parents funeral-.
MM 4-Tess has a plan to overcome depression, puts it into action and it goes wrong.
EXT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Sean skateboards home and is attacked and dragged into the bushes, followed by sounds of a feeding frenzy.
INT. TESS’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sean, a zombie, crawls into Tess’s room and sinks his teeth into Tess—she bashes the S out of him.
LATER
Tess looks at the bite on her arm, now, convinced she’s a zombie, looks at a photo of her mom and smiles, then ties a bed sheet in knots and heads for the front door, and says, “I’m coming, Mother.”
INT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Tess stands on the threshold, a sheet around her neck, as her Mother’s apparition beckons from the woods, Tess freezes unable to go outside, and engulfed in a panic attack.
MM 5: Tess’s Awakening and the Monster (Tess’s father) is much scarier than we imagined
INT. MORTUARY – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Tess collapses, overwhelmed by the panic attack, Ely carries Tess to her bedroom.
INT. MORTUARY LAB – NIGHT
Father slaps the mistress around, she dressed up as Tess’s mom to drive Tess insane, jealous of Tess/ Father nods to Max, who kills the mistress, and bites her… Father uses a controller to stop Max, as the Mistress rises from the dead.
INT. TESS’S ROOM – DAY
Ely consults with Tess’s Therapist while Tess sleeps, the Sheriff, a zombie crashes through the window– Ely bashes the Sheriff.
INT. FATHER’S LAB – NIGHT
Father displays Zombie traits, struggles to inject himself with a serum, and returns to human form.
EXT. MORTUARY – NIGHT
Gigi steps on the porch as Max crawls from the shadows and grabs and chloroforms her.
INT. TESS’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
The therapist attends to Tess, who knocks her out
EXT. FIELD – NIGHT
Ely burns the Sheriff’s body, as the Therapist, lump on her head, approaches, “I can’t find Tess.”
INT. MORTUARY / KITCHEN – NIGHT
Tess opens the fridge and grabs the first thing she sees, liver, as Gigi and Ely enter, Tess Snarls at them.
CONTINUOUS—
Ely subdues Tess and draws a vile of her blood to test her for Zombism.
MM 6 -Tess’s bigger bolder plan.
CONTINUOUS
Ely and the Therapist wait for Tess’s test results —Creepy Girls appears in the hallway and beckons Tess, who slips out.
CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Tess follows Creepy Girl toward the Lab/embalming room.
INT. KITCHEN –
Test results are Negative, Tess is human, but Therapist and Ely fear that Tess has been captured by Father.
INT. MORTUARY THRESHOLD – NIGHT
Tess freezes—then—determined–follows Creepy Girl—Tess wins a round over agoraphobia
>Sidebar: Tess makes an emotional change (to live and plans to kill her father, her bigger bolder plan).
INT. MORTUARY– NIGHT
Ely and the Therapist search for Tess.
INT. LAB/EMBALMING ROOM – NIGHT
Max makes a meal of the Mistress–Father has Gigi strapped to a medical exam table.
CONTINUOUS—
Creepy Girl and Tess watch from the shadows– Father artificially inseminates Gigi w/ Zombie semen.
Max discovers Tess and grabs her, as Creepy Girl flees.
Tess pleads with her father who says, “You’re not of my flesh, stepdaughter.”
Gigi goes into cardiac arrest and dies as Father turns to Tess and says, “Next up.”
>MM 7-Tess sees an opening and battles Father to the death.
INT. LAB/EMBALMING ROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Tess comes to, screams, as Father stands over her, with an intractable look on his face, and holding the same tools he used on Gigi, as Ely crashes the party and battles Max—Tess fights her way out of the straps—Father reaches for a gun turns it on Tess–Ely kills Max– Therapist enters, takes a bullet from Father as Tess grabs the guns and fires at Father, who slips out a side door and disappears—
–Tess and Ely put Max in the crematorium and turn it on.
— Creepy Girl fills an urn with ashes from a cabinet and says, “Sister.”
–Tess and Ely flee.
INT. MOTEL – NIGHT – LATER
Tess peers out the window, Ely approaches from behind, and they embrace… kiss…
>MM 8 – A new Normal, Tess has escaped her insane stepfather, but he has one more trick up his sleeve.
INSERT CHRYON—NINE MONTHS LATER
EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS – DAY
Off the Grid.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Ely helps Tess through labor, and says, “It’s our baby, Tess, you can do it.”—
–She pushes until she gives birth, as Ely backs away horrified, “That’s not mine.”
–Tess cradles the baby in her arms, it looks—
–It has human and zombie traits… HumanZ–
–Ely reaches for the baby, intending to strangle it–
–Tess pulls a knife– “Touch my baby and I’ll gut you.”
FADE OUT.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Brian King.
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Hey Brian,
I just posted my first outline, a little behind in the class. Would you like to pair up and get some notes?
Deb S.
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Yes, pls… apologies for a late reply –
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I enjoyed reading your outline about Zombies, it had some comedy which made it more
interesting and engageing.
Here’s my outline:Day 16: Time to Exchange Feedback
Subject Line:(Huey J. Williams) Horror Outline Version 2
What I learned on my second rewrite:
The person that did my feedback pointed out some important details
that i overlooked.
My main improvement was to pay attention to details.
I can’t think of anything person could have done better.
Title: “THE THINGAMAJIG”
Logline:
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods, that they will never forget.
Horror Outline Follows:
THE THINGAMAJIG – HORROR SITUATION TRACK
1. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
NOTE: OPENING SCENE
Horror Situation:
A forest near a lake illuminated by a full moon, the sounds of desperate
HISSING, and INJURED WOLF GROWL, QUICK THUMPING HITTING THE GROUND, slithers
threw the bush in hot pursuit of a EIGHT POINT BUCK.
The Buck SHRIEKS in pain when something in the bushes rips off it’s feet and
begins devouring it, bones CRUNCHING SOUNDS.
CLOSE ON – Just the monster’s mouth chewing is seen, as it takes big bites of
dear meat.
The forest goes silent.
CLOSE ON – SCREECH OWL SHRIEKS, as he watches from a tree.
2. INT. MOTORHOME – NIGHT
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods.
ALDEN drives the motorhome, most expirenced at camping, SHAD his dog liying
at his side CORY rides shotgun, GRAM, ASHLEY, KATE, and ZOEY sit together at
the table in conversation all close friends throughout High School.
All in conversation about the fun they had in High School as they travel.
Zoey says “I remember the great time we had prom night, Gram you were so hansome
in your tuxs and I had on one the most formal gowns I have ever worn”, then she
complains about going on camping trips, she prefers the city life. I’m going to
miss you all while attending University of Southern California while studing
Cinema and writing.
APPREHENSION: Knows very little about camping.
Kate lets her imagination sometimes cause her to fear having new experiences
she believes in monsters and the bogyman, she has entertained the whole group
with her stories the entire trip. Kate says ” We had so much fun in High School,
the beach parties, going to scary movies together, how are we going live being so
far appart I’ll be attending Duke University, Durham, North Carolins, earning
my Nursing Degree”.
Ashley, the mother type, Zoey and Kate look up to her for guidance when things
get out of the ordinary. Ashley says “Well I’ll be attending Yale University,
New Haven, Connecticut, Law School, and I will alway be thinking about all the fun
we’ve had together, Alden, I’ll miss you most, you really know how to show a girl
an exciting time, it has never been a dull moment”.
Gram, says, “I’ll be attending Columbia University, New York City, I will studing
Coaching, first High School, then College, maybe even the Professional Team. I
have the skills from my experience and what I’ve learned being on the Varsity
Team in High School. I’ll really miss you all.
Cory, says, me, “I’ll be attending Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge
Massachusetts, you have always calling me a Brainiac and since I do have the skills
I’ll fit in well at MIT”. High School was really a lot of fun, especially having you as
friends, and after college I’m sure we’ll reconnect,
Alden, says, “Kate, I’ll miss your vivid imagination. Cory, I miss your enlarged mind,
you brainiac. Gram, I’ll miss youre athleticism, and understanding. Zoey, I’ll miss your
upper class character, and your fashion skills. Ashley, I’ll miss you most, my sweetheart
your intellegent, loveable demeanor, Ashley approaches him and he kisses her on the cheek
I’ll be thinking of you all, while attending University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia
Pennsylvania, studying Business/Economics, my Dad wants me to take over the Family Sport
Shop”. So, we all have our yellow brick road to follow.
3. EXT./INT. THE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden pulls up and stops at a sign that reads: “Black Forest Keep Out”
APPREHENSION: As to why the warning.
SUSPENSE: Why the keep out order.
They continue to the campsite by the lake.
4. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE BY THE LAKE – NIGHT
Under a full moon, Ashley, Alden, pitch their tent, and just
before climb in for no appearent reason shad begins barking, then
joins them in the tent.
APPREHENSION: Ashley and Alden are curious.
Kate and Cory pitch their ten and just before climbing in, Kate lets her
imagination run wild about giant bugs that may climb into their tent.
APPREHENSION: Not to happy about sleeping on the ground.
Zoey and Gram pitch their tent and before climbing in, Gram kids Zoey
by saying,”Their coming to get you Zoey”, which she doesn’t find funny
at all.
APPREHENSION: Zoey doesn’t find it funny.
In the bushes hiding the monster watches, not making a sound.
Gram decides to go for a jog threw the woods, his nightly routine
when at home.
Gram retuns to camp and notices the motorhome is smoking.
The Group jumps into action rush to put out the elctrical fire,then back
into their tents to sleep.
Cory says he’ll take care of the electrical problem in the morning.
5. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE LAKESIDE – MORNING
Under a beautiful blue sky and sunshine morning the entire group are busy
cooking, fishing, swimimg, and having a grand old time together, music in
the background.
Alden has just caught serveral good sized catfish and hands them over to
Kate and Ashley who are doing the grilling on the pit.
Cory works on the electrical problem of the motorhome while sneaking bits
of food when Kate and Ashley are not looking.
Zoey and Gram are swiming, playing vollyball in the lake with Shad doing
his best to take the ball away.
Gram, Zoey, Alden, and Cory comment about how the food smells great,
Shad BARKS!
Alden helps Kate and Ashley help finishing the cooking without getting
in the way.
Ashley says, the food will be ready soon and will be served in the
motorhome.
6. INT. MOTORHOME – NOON
Alden, Gram, Cory are seated at the table while Ashley, Zoey, and Kate
prepare their plates, then they sit down with them and Alden says grace,
they begin eating.
After several bits of the food the complement of how good the meal is fills
the air which causes Ashley and Kate to blush with thanks.
After the meal they resume the day with relaxing around the campsite in
conversation while playing cards, just enjoying nature’s beauty.
7. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT
A full moon illuminates the landscape, the CRICKET SOUNDS are heard.
Ashley, Alden and Shad are in their tent preparing to sleep.
Kate and Cory are in conversation as they prepare to sleep.
Zoey and Gram are conversing about how wonderful the day was and
the food before they go to sleep.
Suddenly, the CRICKET SOUNDS go silent.
Shad starts to GROWL and BARK!
There is a LOAD HISSIN followed by a SICK WOLF HOWL!
Everybody jumps out of bed.
APPREHENSION: They don’t know whats going on.
FEAR: Of the unknown all Characters.
PANIC: They have no idea what they are dealing with.
MONSTER REVEAL: Not seen yet, but its something strange.
Shad begins BARKING and GROWELING more, then he runs out the tent in hot pursuit
into the woods after something unknown.
Alden grabs his rifle and follows shad into the woods and tries to catch up.
APPREHENSION: Alden feel the unknown.
8. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden folows a trail of blood to area of the forest where he
finds Shad’s collar and his fur scattered on the ground, he picks
up the collar.
APPREHENSION: Worred about Shad
FEAR: Shad is dead.
LOSS/EMOTIONAL: He won’t see his dog again.
Alden notes something in the bushes watching him, he can’t see what it
is but he knows it’s there, he keeps his gun on the ready.
CREEPY MOMENT: Alden knows something watching him in the bush.
FEAR: The unknown.
EMOTIONAL: About loosing Shad.
UNNERVING: Death could be stairing at him in the bush.
Alden causiously keeps his attention on the thing in the bushes, then
heads back to camp.
9. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Everyone in the camp, Ashley, Cory, Kate, Zoey, Gram are gathered
together in cofusion.
APPREHENSION: Unaware of whats going on.
FEAR: Uncertain.
Alden returns with only Shad’s Tags and some of his fur.
Alden hugs Ashley almost in tears.
FEAR: Everyone at campsite.
SUSPENSE: What happend in the forest, and where is Shad.
DREAD: The death of Shad.
STARTLED: They know they are isolated and my be attacked.
They all decide move out of the tents into the motorhome.
10. INT. MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The Group make their way into the motorhome and bed down for the night.
Cory after working most of the day reparing the burned ignition system,
can’t make repairs.
APPREHENSION: Isolated.
Zoey tries to make a call home on her cell phone, no signal.
APREHENSION: Can’t call home.
ISOLATION: No phone signal.
Gram, and Alden armed decides to share watch duty for the night.
FEAR: Of unwanted visiter.
SUSPENSE: What is stalking them.
The monster is watching the motorhome from the bushes.
11. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The monster enters the camp, ransacking the tents, then goes to
the motorhome and peeps threw the bathroom window.
12. INT. MOTOHOME – NIGHT
A Horror Situation:
Zoey is in the bathroom bushing he teeth, when she spot the monster’s
big eyees enlarged face staring at her, she SCREAMS and runs out of
the bathroom.
SHOCK: The monter’s face.
HYSTERIA: Gets her first look at the monster.
FEAR: Feels helpless.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being watched by a monster.
SCARED: Nearly to death, fear of capture.
Ashley, Kate question what Zoey says she saw, suggest that maybe it
was a bear that she saw, then try to calm her down.
DENIAL: Don’t believe Zoey.
Zoey get pissed because they don’t believe her.
FEAR: For their life.
DREAD: Of what might happen to them.
HYSTERIA: Of the monster capturing them.
SHOCK: There being a monster hunting them.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
Suddenly, the motorhome start bouncing and shaking Kate, Ashley start to
believe Zoey.
APPREHENSION: Asley, and Kate are puzzled.
FEAR: The become afraid.
SHOCK: About whats happening.
The monster jumps up and down on the motorhome HISSING, HOWLING LIKE AN
INJURED WOLF, shaking things up and SHOUTS FEED ME over and over.
13. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden, Gram, Cory, go into action each armed, they make their way out of the
motorhome, they get their first look at the monster, and begin shooting.
SHOCK: Their first look at the monster.
FEAR: They know nothing about the monster.
STARTLED: Never seen anything like this before.
EMOTIONAL: They could loose their lives.
DREAD: Must come up with a way to destroy monster.
CREEPY MOMENT: Something they have never seen before.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
They make multiple hits, but it doesn’t kill the monster, it runs away into the
darkness of the black forest.
SURPRISE: Bullets won’t kill monster.
Alden, Gram, Cory are sweating, knees kocking, wide eyeed and they can’t believe
what they just saw.
Cory says, we learned one thing about what ever that was, bullets won’t kill
it, maybe fire will.
14. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Later that evening the Thingamajig strikes again this time Kate, Zoey, and Ashley all
get a look at it, as it raids the tents looking for food or one of them.
DREAD: Never seen a monster before.
HYSTERIA: Afraid to die.
FEAR: nearly scared to death.
Ashley, Kate, Zoey CRYING, sweating, Zoey soil herselves.
15. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Alden, Gram, Cory attack the Thingamajig a battle begins with fire, (molotov cocktails), they miss.
The Thingamajig spits a substance that hits Cory on the leg, he SCREAMS in pain as it burns his
skin, Alden and Gram come to his aid, they stop the pain, by removing a section of clothing in
effected area, the Thingamajig runs into the woods.
Alden, Gram, and Cory pursue the Thingamajig deep into the woods by following his tracks.
16. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig, fooled the Alden, Gram, and Cory, makes his way back to the motorhome, then
tries to break in and capture Kate, Ashley, and Zoey.
17. INT. THE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Ashley, Kate, and Zoey are lock inside waiting for Alden, Cory, and Gram to return, they begin hearing
STRANGE NOISES outside the motorhome.
APPREHENSION: Waiting for Aden, Cory, and Gram to return safely.
FEAR: Monster my return.
ANXIETY: Worry, nervous.
Kate peeps outside the window and sees a hairy body runs past, she starts SCREAMING, so do Ashley and Zoey.
they start looking for places to hide.
The Thingamajig starts turning the door knob, trying to get into the motohome, and he’s chanting FEED
ME over and over.
The Thingamajig opens the door to the motorhome, stairing at the girl salivating at the mouth, it GROWLS LIKE
A WOLF, and saying FEED ME, over and over as it is about to enter.
SHOCK: Fears for their lives.
HYSTERIA: Doomed by the monster.
PANIC: Monster my come in motorhome.
DREAD: Death is at the door.
18. EXT./INT. CAMPSITE MOTORHOME – NIGHT
Alden, Cory, and Gram appear, start firing shot at the Thingamajig and it runs into the woods.
Alden, Cory, and Gram rush into the motorhome and hugg their CRYING girl friends.
RELEASE: The girls are saved.
ALDEN
We were chasing the Thingamajig it trick us, we never thought
it would double back here to the motorhome.
19. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig returns and begins HOWLING, near the motorhome, Alden, Cory, and Gram take action, head
out to fight the Thingamajig.
Face to face with the Thingamajig, Alden, Cory, and Gram begin throwing molotov cocktail, but the
Thingamajig is quick, they miss.
Gram moves in close for a better shot with the molotov cocktail.
The Thingamajig charges, grabs Gram, he SCREAMS in pain as the Thingamajig takes a bite out of him,
as it runs into the darkness of the black forest.
Ashley, Kate, and Zoey watch in horror, begin SCREAMING, and close the motorhome door.
Alden and Cory, armed place four molotov cocktails in cooler and head out tracking Gram and
the thingamajig, they follow the Thingamajig’s foot prints to his hideout.
ANGUISH: Gram’s capture.
DREAD: Must try and save Gram.
20. EXT. BLACK FOREST THINGAMAJIG’S HIDEOUT – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig hideout, a near hole in the ground.
Alden and Cory arrive at the Thingamajig’s cave.
APPREHENSION/SUPENSE: The challenge to try and save Gram and kill the Thingamajig.
ANXIETY/FEAR/CREEPY MOMENT/DISTURBING ENVIRONMENT: They must do what has to be done.
21. INT. THINGAMAJIG’S LAIR – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Alden and Cory enter the Thingamajig’s lair slowly, molotov cocktails in hand, as they
move deeper into the cave.
Suddenly a BIG BLACK BAT attacks them on his way out of
the cave.
PANIC: They almost run.
SURPISE: The bat scraches them.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the Thingamajig’s lair.
In the distance Alden and Cory, HEAR SOUNDS of BONES CRUNCHING, CHEWING, and SWALLOWING,
then it stops.
Alden and Cory look at each other’
APPREHENSION: The sounds in the distance.
FEAR: In the shaddows the Thingamajig waits.
SUSPENSE: Will Gram be alive.
DREAD: What will they find.
Alden and Cory look at each other.(Fear/Anguish)
With blood, gutes, and gleaming sharp teeth, the Thingamajig leaps out, almost grabing Cory,
as he jumps out of the way.
Alden throws a molotov cocktail and misses.
The Thingamajig spits a black paste at Alden, misses, jumps at him,
Cory throws a molotov cocktail, which catches the Thingamajig’s leg on fire.
The Thingamajig WOLF HOWLS in pain.
Alden throws his last molotov cocktail, hitting the Thingamajig’s upper body, he hits
the ground burning, HOWLING.
Alden and Cory fire several shots into the Thingamajig’s body, as it burns, then it morphs
into something even more hideous.
As it burns the Thingamajig morphs to a BIG MAGGOT, then to ASH.
RELEASE: Finally they kill the Thingamajig.
The go deeper into the cave and they find the half eaten body of Gram, they stair at his body,
both almost in tears.
DREAD: For their friend.
ANGUIH: They couldn’t save Gram.
GROSSED OUT: To see his half eaten body.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the cave.
22. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden and Cory carry what’s left of Gram’s body out of the cave, then bury his remains in the
black forest, and head back to camp.
EMOTIONAL: Hurt for Gram’s loss.
23. EXT./INT. MOTORHOME CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Ashley, Kate, Zoey stand at the motorhome happy to see Alden, informs them that Gram is
dead, and so is the monster, Zoey begins CRYING.
ANGUISH:CRYING for her lost love.
24. EXT. THE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Together with Ashley, Cate, Zoey, Alden and Cory gather their things and begin hikeing their
way out to the main road to catch a ride back to town for help.
RELEASE: Headed home.
As they walk huddled threw the black forest there is movement in the bushes.
Ashley, Cate, and Zoey start SCREAMING, Alden and Cory take aim.
Out walks an EIGHT POINT BUCK, looks at them, then wanders back into the woods.
They all take a deep breath, sigh of relief.
STARTLED: Thought it was another monster.
EMOTIONAL: Sared
RELEASE: False alarm, no threat.
25. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
What appears as a falling star lights the sky, then lands near the lake.
CLOSE ON – A Thingamajig sureys the forest, grimaceing look on his face, looks at
the moon, HISSES and INJURED WOLF HOWLS into the night…
SUSPENSE: Who will be next, time will tell.
FADE OUT
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Deb S, yes pls – apologies for a late reply
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I am printing out your outline now, So I can go over it better. Thanks
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Tony J. Scott HORROR OUTLINE VERSION 1
BLOODSTREAM
A group of Colon Cancer Survivors are kidnapped and drained of blood.
I learned how to take each scene and add what is needed and how to organize everything before I write the script.
BLOODSTREAM – HORROR SITUATION TRACK
1. INT. BASEMENT OF MONSTERS HOUSE – NIGHT
ATMOSPHERE OF EVIL ESTABLISHED:
Cut to a dead body, drained of blood and prune like in appearance, being dragged away by its leg from a group of 6-8 now empty surgical type bondage chairs.
2. INT. CANCER AFTERCARE TREATMENT LOBBY – NIGHT
It’s 3 years later. Chessley waits for the elevator.
3. INT. EXPRESS ELEVATOR – NIGHT
Something goes wrong with the elevator, it stops on floor six, he’s confused. He’s forced to take a detour to floor ten.
4. EXT. EXPRESS ELEVATOR -NIGHT
Horror situation: The bridge to the detour is dark and scary looking. Chessley doesn’t want to take the detour.
· ANXIETY: He has to take the bridge but feels like something is shady. He keeps looking across the bridge for someone to prove it’s safe to cross.
· FEAR: As he crosses the bridge he doesn’t know if he should look forward or behind so he does both nervously.
· SUSPENSE: The lights on the bridge begin to flicker
5. INT. DETOUR ELEVATOR – NIGHT
Chessley is riding the elevator to floor ten but it stops on eight, begins to swing upward and then descends straight to the garage level.
Horror Situation: The detour elevator lands on the garage floor. Chessley is apprehensive about getting off.
· APPREHESION: Chessley begins pressing all the buttons on the panels. He presses the emergency button. He presses the door-open button. He hangs out of the door leaving one foot in.
· FEAR: He jumps back in just as the elevator slams shut but then the doors open again. The doors begin to shut, and then begin to open, and then repeats and repeats.
· ANGUISH: Chessley doesn’t want to but he tries to run for the light at the end of the garage.
· MONSTER REVEAL: Without even clearly getting off the elevator, Out of nowhere Chessley is swooped up by an unseen entity.
NOTE: This chain of events happens six times. I’m only listing three of them.
6. EXT. PEACHTREE STREET BUS STOP – NIGHT
Derrick just got off the Marta bus and is walking to the Cancer Aftercare Treatment Center. From outside the door he notices a woman carrying a guitar case standing at the Express Elevator.
7. EXT. EXPRESS ELEVATOR – NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Derrick is forced off the express elevator. He doesn’t want to take the detour across the bridge. He frantically presses the up arrow on the elevator.
· APPREHENSION/ANXIETY: Derrick doesn’t want to take the bridge.
· SURPRISE: The detour elevator doors open.
· FEAR: Derrick is afraid because his only choice is to take the elevator.
· ANGUISH: Derrick takes the detour elevator
8. INT. MONSTER ELEVATOR – NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster Elevator stops working.
· SUSPENSE: The elevator stops on floor eight. Derrick thinks someone is going to get on. The elevator doors never open but the car swings up and then straight down to the garage level.
· APPREHENSION: Derrick suspects the elevator is malfunctioning.
· FEAR: He thinks he might die on impact.
· FEAR: Derrick begins pressing all the buttons on the panels. He presses the emergency button. He presses the door-open button.
· ANGUISH: He exits the elevator after noticing the light at the end of the garage
9. INT. PARING GARAGE– NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Derrick leaves the Monster elevator
· APPRENESION: Derrick takes out his cell phone to shine a light.
· SURPRISE: He looks around. He steps to his right but trips over something. It’s a guitar case.
· APPRENSION: He sees someone pass under the exit light and calls out.
10. INT. PARKING GARAGE-NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Derrick hears moaning and heavy breathing and what also sounds like snarling.
· APPREHENSION: Afraid for his life now, he heads toward the lit exit sign.
· FEAR: He looks behind him and sees a shadowing image quickly pass under the light in front of the elevator doors.
· REACTION: Derrick freezes in place. Derrick notices an old Chevy Impala parked. He wants to steal it so he can escape. He pulls on the door handle.
· SURPRISE: Suddenly car alarms begin to blare throughout the garage.
· FEAR: Derrick sees a shadow on the wall across from him.
· REACTION: Derrick looks toward a large Cadillac SUV and runs to duck under it.
· ANXIETY: His eyes search the garage from under the SUV.
· MONSTER REVEAL: Derrick feels both ankles grabbed and his body snatched from under the SUV.
· The MONSTER ASSISTANT subdues Derrick and renders him unconscious. The Monster’s assistant drags Derricks unconscious body to a white construction van parked in a dark corner. He opens the door and tosses Derrick into the back by his ankle. We see a few other unconscious bodies previously stacked in the van. The Monster’s assistant slams the doors shut.
·
11. EXT. EXPRESS ELEVATOR-NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Wanda takes a look across the bridge and doesn’t like what she sees. Wanda looks for a stairwell exit next to the express elevator. She finds s stairwell exit but the door is locked.
· APPREHESION: She senses something fishy.
· APPREHESION: She hears the ding of the Monster elevator from across the bridge but the bridge is still dark.
· ANGUISH: She begins to cross the bridge
· REACTION: She tries the exit door next to the Monster elevator
· CREEPY: She takes the Monster Elevator and as the Monster elevator doors close, the Express Elevator doors open.
12. INT. MONSTER ELEVATOR – NIGHT
12. Wanda enters the Monster elevator. The doors shut. She pushes for floor ten and watches the floor panel lights with skepticism. The Monster elevator rises to floor eight and stops between floors eight and nine. She holds on as the Monster elevator plunges to the garage level. Wanda hides behind the panel as the doors open. She peeks once then twice and then a third time. She notices the guitar case and remembers seeing a woman carrying one earlier.
12.
13. FLASH BACK.
13.WANDA SITTING IN ONE OF THE OFFICES WATCHING A FOLLOW UP VIDEO WHEN SHE SEES MICHELLE WALKING CARRYING HER GUITAR TOWARD THE EXPRESS ELEVATOR.
13.
14. INT. PARKING GARAGE LEVEL
Wanda presses the door open lock button, leaves one leg in the elevator while she tries to reach for the guitar case handle. The elevator door begins closing. Wanda, surprised loses her balance and ends up outside the elevator. Wanda presses the elevator button but nothing happens. She scans the garage and decides to head toward the exit sign. She can see a lit street lamp at the end of the exit way. She grabs the guitar case and begins to walk. After taking a few steps forward she hears the monster elevator ding and the doors open.
HORROR SITUATION: Wanda sees a shadowing figure flash past the elevator doors and then the doors shut closed. Looking for the shadowing figure, Wanda becomes furious.
· ANGUISH: Wanda turns to run for the exit.
· MONSTER REVEAL: She runs into the monster assistant
· REACTION: An MMA fight begins, Wanda is the winner.
· RELEASE: She believes the coast is clear now and continues for the exit
· SURPRISE: but she is cut off by the real Monster.
She tries her best to fight but it’s useless. Wanda is overpowered by the Monster and thrown into the back of the waiting van. The guitar case gets crushed as the van drives off.
15. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR –NIGHT
Each member of the kidnapped group files one by one past the Funeral Director, up the isle toward a closed casket. All members file past the closed casket and then to take a seat in the seating area pews. One person is already seated and another person is standing to give a eulogy.
HORROR SITUATION: Once they sit, everyone in the group is frozen and unable to move once they sit in the pews. The only person able to move is the speaker.
· DENIAL: No one in the group is able to move, they can’t remember anything, like they are in a trance. Even the speaker seems like a robot.
· REACTION: They hear a buzzer sounding
· MONSTER REVEAL: The monster is present but is acting as the Funeral Director.
ACT II
16. INT. MONSTER’S BASEMENT – DAY/NIGHT
The group is in the Monster basement for the very first time. The Monster basement is a dungeon surrounding an interior room that closely resembles a white pristine hygienically clean surgery room. The walls are positioned in a half moon shape. There are eight chairs and eight people in the group.
HORROR SITUTION: Each new group member wakes up except one of them. They are strapped to chairs and have an IV attached to their arm.
· SHOCK: They are in shock at the condition, and can’t remember anything.
· REACTION: They each scream and yell for help. They try to loosen their bonds.
· DENIAL: Some of the group members believe that this is part of the week four of their colon cancer after care treatment program
· CREEPY: They can barely see what looks like a closed casket on the other side of a sheer curtain. There is also a large clock and timer hanging from the ceiling
· SCARY: They notice that one person in the chairs is either dead or unconscious.
· DENIAL: They are convinced by Michelle that the IV is just part of the treatment.
HORROR SITUATION: They each discuss the last thing they remember. The agree that the last thing they can remember is taking a detour to the tenth floor. They go around the room introducing themselves. Derrick is reluctant. Doesn’t want to know any names for faces he just wants to go back to work.
HORROR SITUATION: The clock buzzes.
17. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
Everyone is seated except the same person who was reading from before. She continues finishing with her eulogy and then walks past the funeral director and out the door.
HORROR SITUATION: Everyone is frozen and unable to move, the same as last time. It’s as if they are awake but unconscious with their eyes open.
18. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The group has returned from the wake service and back to the monster basement. They are in different chairs from before and the person who was asleep is gone. There is one empty chair.
HORROR SITUATION: They don’t remember ever leaving their seats or anything about the wake service at the funeral parlor.
· REACTION: Michelle notices that she is closer to the exit door than before and there is an empty chair at the end of the room.
· REACTION: Wanda notices that there is one person who is missing and a chair is empty too.
· DENIAL: Some think and then agree that the missing person must have finished her treatment for the day.
· DENIAL: It reminds them of the Colon Cancer Center from when they received chemo. The chairs were set up the same way but without the straps.
· APPREHENSION: Michelle remembers that the IV drip started when the clock buzzed but is now no longer dripping.
· SCARY: They hear chopping noises coming from an outer room.
· REACTION: They yell for someone to come and explain what’s going on.
· CREEPY: Know one shows up to greet them and the chopping continues.
Nikki, Wanda, Michelle, Chessley and Malcolm begin to tell their stories about how they had colon cancer, the treatment, that they were on the Vampire Blood donor list and that they were all reluctant at first to sign on with the Cancer Aftercare Treatment program sponsored by the Vampire/Human Peace Incentive Organization. (As a way for the Vampire Community to give back). They explain why they agreed to the program. Chessley tells how he didn’t really think he deserved to be treated at the center since he killed his younger brother but that his Uncle talked him into it by trying to convince him it wasn’t his fault that his younger brother overdosed on the drugs he was selling. Nikki was skeptical about joining the group until her boyfriend convinced her. Wanda was skeptical until another former Marine assured her the follow up treatment was exactly what she needed. Derrick wasn’t going to join but his boss at the firm said it was mandatory or they’d lose the funding for future medical benefits. Michelle was also skeptical but was promised her band would have her job waiting for her when she was fully recovered and that she’d be strong enough to go on the tour. Malcolm, who has always had an overweight problem and has already begun putting his overweight back on, was assured that this aftercare treatment would help him lose the weight and keep it off. All agreed that the reps were very nice and the videos were awesome and for the first three weeks it’s been exactly the wonderful experience they promised. (Show a montage of each person receiving a letter from the V/HPIO and their responses/skepticism). Derrick and Reader number two don’t get involved in the conversations. Derrick is indignant, and rude about the whole thing. They remember the elevator detour.
(NOTE THESE ARE ALL MONTAGES AND FLASHBACKS and are included as a reminder for me to include in the script)
HORROR SITUATION: They hear a door slam, a phone ringing, they think they can hear voices beyond the room they’re in.
· REACTION: They shush each other
· APPREHENSION: They believe someone is coming to finally greet them.
· SCARY: The lights turn off, everything goes black.
· REACTION: They all begin to scream for help in the dark
· MONSTER REVEAL: In the dark no one can see the Monster Assistant.
· SUSPENSE: Nikki thinks she can feel someone or something standing over her.
· REACTION: Nikki yells out.
· CREEPY: Nikki feels someone or something wet touching her thighs
· REACTION: Nikki yells out
· RELEASE: The molestation stops
HORROR SITUATION: The lights turn on; they are the only ones in the room. Everyone thinks Derrick is up to something and is a part of whatever this is. The clock buzzes and the IV drip begins.
· REACTION: Wanda orders everyone to notice the sequence of things, take a headcount and notice where they are sitting like they are hands on the clock. She is twelve and there are eight chairs and seven people in the room.
· DENIAL: Derrick responds against it.
19. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Filing in like robots, the group files past the Funeral Director standing by the front entrance, past the closed casket and then to their seats. The only person able to move once they sit is the next eulogy reader who gets up walks to the front and begins reading the eulogy. The reader gets halfway through the read and we hear a clock buzzing.
20. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The group has returned to the monster basement with no memory of the wake service at the funeral parlor. Wanda notices the IV drip has stopped and calls for everyone to answer up. Everyone answers up except Derrick and reader number two. Derrick does however add that reader number two is unconscious.
HORROR SITUATION: Everyone notices that they are in the same chairs as before and that the headcount remains the same and the one empty chair. Everyone is awake except the reader.
· ANXIETY: Everyone yells for the reader to wake up
· DENIAL: Derrick reminds them that all this strategy is a waste of time.
· SCARY: Malcolm notices that the IV drip is still dripping in the unconscious person
· ANGUISH: Michelle concentrates on the sleep person and the trace of casket she can see silhouetted behind the curtain. She begins to feel like this is all some way familiar.
· REACTION: Michelle explains what she’s feeling.
· DENIAL: Derrick cracks a joke, not in Kansas anymore Todo.
· SCARY: Derrick can hear a water hose running from the other room.
· REACTION: He finally speaks up. He tells everyone to be quiet and listen.
· ANGUISH: They put together that they heard the water hose running after they heard the chopping sounds.
HORROR SITUATION: The clock buzzes. Wanda shouts out the same orders from before. Everyone agrees except Derrick and the unconscious person.
21. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – NIGHT
The group is already seated, frozen, and unable to speak; the same reader is standing at the podium continuing with the eulogy. (He’s saying the exact same words as the first reader). The speaker wraps it up and then exits the room past the funeral director.
HORROR SITUATION: They hear the clock buzzer sound.
22. INT. MONSTER’S BASEMENT – DAY/NIGHT
The clock sounds and the group has returned to the monster basement. Wanda sounds off with present and so do the others. Derrick doesn’t sound off but tells everyone that the sleeping guy next to him is gone. Everyone notices that the person is missing and there are now two empty chairs. They notice no IV dripping. Most of all they notice that each person has moved one spot over clockwise position.
HORROR SITUATION: They begin to notice more but have no recollection of the funeral parlor but they do discover that the time on the clock has advanced by thirty minutes.
· ANGUISH: Malcolm doesn’t want to point it out but he noticed the time has a thirty minute difference.
· CREEPY: Chessley points out that the chopping has begun again from the outer room.
· DENIAL: Nikki wonders if maybe the first two people finished their treatment and were released.
· REACTION: Derrick demands to see who is in charge.
· SCARY: The lights turn off again and the room is dark. They can hear other noises from outside the room, a microwave, whispering, chewing sounds, a large walk-in freezer door closing.
· SCARY: The lights return.
· APPREHESION: Michelle thinks she can see someone standing behind the sheer curtain, just standing.
HORROR SITUATION: The clock buzzes. Everyone is sharp now. They all pay attention to the clock and how the IV drip begins.
· REACTION: They get a headcount of six persons, the time on the clock and that everyone is awake. The IV bag begins to drip.
23. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: They all file by the Funeral Director and paste the closed casket. Everyone takes a seat in the pews.
· APPREHENSION: After a few minutes Chessley rises up and walks to the front of the room and behind the podium.
· REACTION: No one in the audience reacts because they are unable to.
· DENIAL: No one expects anything out of the ordinary.
Chessley begins the first part of the eulogy, same words as the previous two readers. At about halfway through the read the clock buzzes.
24. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The group returns to the monster basement and begin with accountability checks.
HORROR SITUATION: Everyone wakes up from the IV drip and notice that the clock has a time of thirty minutes later.
· REACTION: Wanda takes another headcount and has everyone sound off with present.
· ANGUISH: They all notice that Chessley didn’t sound off with present.
· APPREHENSION: They notice they are all in the same seats, haven’t been moved
· REACTION: Everyone wonders about the loss of time
· ANGUISH: Michelle points out the two phase cycle she believes is happening. The water hose, The clock, loss of time, waking up, one person still asleep, buzzing, loss of time again, waking up, one missing, chopping sounds.
· CREEPY: They all direct their attention to Chessley, who is still unconscious.
· REACTION: Derrick points out that he can hear the water hose running again.
· SCARY: They all yell for Chessley to wake up.
Michelle focuses more on the front of the room and the casket she can see behind the curtain and wants everyone to do the same. A few remark how it reminds them of a funeral they recently attended but couldn’t remember who had died. (Maybe it was a distant relative). They agree that it was more like a WAKE service.
HORROR SITUATION: The clock buzzes.
25. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
The group has returned to the funeral parlor already seated and Chessley is finishing up his eulogy. He tries to give some kind of signal to the group or say something different but he can’t.
· MONSTER REVEAL: He is instructed by the Funeral Director that it’s time to exit.
· REACTION: Chessley walks the isle past the group and the Funeral director and exits the room.
26. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The group returns to the monster basement and begin with accountability checks.
HORROR SITUATION: After the accountability check they notice that Chessley is no longer with them and that they have all moved their position and there are now three empty chairs.
· REACTION: They immediately look toward where Chessley was sitting. Michelle’s eyes are full of tears. She is in the position where Chessley was. But the order has seemed at random so it’s hard to determine who will be next.
· DENIAL: They call out Chessley’s name hoping he is still in the building.
· RELEASE: Malcolm suggests that maybe there is a good safety reason as to why they are strapped into the chairs, like for their own good.
· TERROR: They can hear the chopping and what also sounds like the buzzing of a saw from the outer room.
· DENIAL: Michelle prays that the chopping isn’t what she thinks it is.
· ANGUISH: Derrick points out that this might be everyone’s fate in the end.
· CREEPY: Nikki sounds off about how her school-girl pleated skirt has been pulled up almost over her hips.
· DENIAL: Malcolm suggests that maybe it happened during the move because he can see that his right shoe lace has become untied.
· REACTION: Nikki remarks how the buttons on her blouse are partially unbuttoned.
· ANGUISH: Michelle points out what seems to be a continuous dream she’s having about a Wake service and she’s sure everyone is there with her.
· REACTION: Nikki agrees and adds how she remembers Chessley getting up and how she tried to reach out to him.
· SCARY: Malcolm asks who they think the next person will be.
· REACTION: They all look toward Derrick who is sitting next to where Chessley was sitting.
HORROR SITUATION: The clock buzzes.
· REACTION: Wanda orders everyone to remember something from the loss time and suggests maybe the Wake service is the best idea so far.
27. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – NIGHT
The group files past the Funeral Director and the closed casket before taking their seats in the pews.
HORROR SITUATION: Michelle stands and walks over to the podium in the front of the room.
· REACTION: Michelle begins to speak.
28. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The typical two phase torture cycle has been interrupted from its normal routine.
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster notices that Michelle is not fully unconscious but is out of it enough to not be a threat.
29. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Michelle is slurring her words. Malcolm and Derrick are present sitting in the pews but are collapsed and unconscious. Michelle’s speech is abruptly interrupted. She collapses and falls to the floor. Everyone else is in shock.
30. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
· MONSTER REVEAL: The Monster notices that Michelle isn’t fully unconscious. The works of the Monster and the assistant are witnessed by Derrick and Malcolm as the Monster inspects the condition of Michelle.
· REACTION: She is moving her head slightly and breathing irregularly.
· RELEASE: Derrick and Malcolm secretly acknowledge each other.
· REALEASE: The Monster Assistant KIMWAKAZZI, has not distributed the correct IV dosage to the speaker, Michelle, as well as two other group members.
· RELEASE: DERRICK and MALCOLM are fully awake and playing possum. NIKKI and WANDA are fully unconscious.
· RELEASE: Other than Michelle being somewhat conscious, the MONSTER and Kimwakazzi are unaware of the mishap until later when it’s time to bring the whole group back. This is the first instance where anyone from the group will have proof that what they are experiencing is not part of the aftercare cancer treatment. The two men continue to play possum.
· SUSPENSE: The Monster checks to make sure each group member is still unconscious. He checks Wanda. The Monster checks to make sure that Michelle, who is not totally unconscious, is too out of it to notice. The Monster checks Nikki and finds that she is totally unconscious.
· SCARY: Malcolm and Derrick, who are totally awake manage to see everything through tightly squinted eyes.
· CREEPY: Kimwakazzi drops to his knees in front of NIKKI’s chair, while she is unconscious, and begins to lick and suck on her thighs. Malcolm and Derrick can see that his tongue is grotesquely deformed and are freaked out but unable to show it.
· REACTION: The Monster notices this and attacks Kimwakazzi for his behavior.
· SUSPENCE: The Monster slowly approaches Derrick.
· SURPRISE: Suddenly the lights turn out. Everything has gone black, a surprise to the Monster, Kimwakazzi, Derrick and Malcolm.
· SUSPENCE: When the lights come back on the Monster has bent over Derrick and is now face to face with him.
· FEAR: The Monster can feel Derrick’s essence and wants to see if he will flinch.
· REACTION: Derrick’s eyes are totally shut now but he can feel the Monster’s breath on his face. Derrick manages to control the fear he feels. Derrick is holding his own.
· ANGUISH: Malcolm is praying the Monster doesn’t come to him next.
· CREEPY: Malcolm, while able to control his response, is unable to control his bladder as he begins to urinate himself.
· MONSTER REVEAL: The Monster stands over Malcolm and is about to bend over to inspect him when the buzzer sounds.
The clock buzzes and the remainder of the group returns from the FUNERAL PARLOR to the Monster basement. The Monster and Kimwakazzi clear the room just in time.
31. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The group returns to the monster basement and begin with accountability checks.
HORROR SITUATION: Malcolm and Derrick agree not to mention what they witnessed, especially to Nikki.
· APPRENHESION: They all return with memories of the Wake and with questions.
· REACTION: Everyone looks toward Michelle who has not answered up.
· ANGUISH: They have to admit that Michelle is next.
· SHOCK: Michelle is partially awake and can talk.
· CREEPY: Everyone can see that Malcolm has peed himself.
· REACTION: They ask what happened to him.
· DENIAL: Malcolm stands fast with Derrick.
· CREEPY: Nikki asks why her blouse is unbuttoned all the way now and exposing her cleavage.
· REACTION: Malcolm can’t help but explain everything he saw and asks Derrick to back him up.
· DENIAL: They don’t believe him and most of all they don’t believe the Monster is who Malcolm claims it is. Impossible.
· REACTION: Derrick fesses up and backs up Malcolm.
· REACTION: Wanda comes up with a plan using Nikki as bait.
· DENIAL: Nikki doesn’t like the idea.
· RELEASE: They suggest that it could save Michelle’s life.
· FEAR: They can hear the water hose running and water draining again.
· ANGUISH: Nikki agrees and hikes her skirt up over her hips and pulls her blouse open more.
· RELEASE: Malcolm and Derrick realize that they have built up a tolerance to the IV dosage because of past drug addictions. They both hope they remain conscious for the next round and agree to play possum again.
The clock buzzer sounds.
32. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – NIGHT.
The group, back in the pews, Michelle is continuing with her eulogy. Everyone is focused on Michelle. Malcolm and Derrick appear to be a little light headed and able to move their head to nod at each other.
CUT TO.
33. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT – DAY/NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Malcolm and Derrick are fully conscious and able to watch what actually goes on during the second phase of the Wake service.
· MONSTER REVEAL: The Monster and the assistant are busy moving bodies and IV equipment and for the first time we see that their blood is being suctioned by another IV attached to their necks.
· RELEASE: Derrick and Malcolm discover the real reason they are being held captive. They put it together because they know who the Monster is. The Monster and assistant continue to reposition the group into their new chairs.
· SCARY: When the monster gets to Michelle he snatches her and flings her to the floor. Supposedly dead by now.
· REACTION: Derrick and Malcolm, still playing possum, witness her body slam to the floor.
· CREEPY: They can see Kimwakazzi fondling Nikki’s helpless body.
· SUSPENCE: The Monster unstraps and picks up Malcolm and moves him. (AT THE SAME TIME) The Monster is distracted by the movement of Michelle’s body on the floor. She is trying to crawl away. He doesn’t strap Malcolm all the way.
· SUSPENSE: The Monster assistant releases and picks up Derrick and moves him to his new position.
· CREEPY: He’s distracted again by Nikki’s exposed body and forgets to strap Derrick in tightly.
· CREEPY: The monster assistant forgetting to completely strap Derrick in returns to Nikki’s chair.
· REACTION: The monster notices what Kimwakazzi is doing to Nikki. Attacks him.
· REACTION: The monster picks him up and body slams him to across the room.
· MONSTER REVEAL: Again the Monster hears Michelle moaning and moving and is surprised that she isn’t dead. He picks her up and sinks his fangs into her neck. He drains whatever blood she has left in her leaving her dead and partially decapitated. He leaves the room.
· CREEPY: Kimwakazzi, can’t take his eyes off of Nikki..
· MONSTER REVEAL: Kimwakazzi, still googling at Nikki, drags Michelle’s lifeless body to the chopping room.
HORROR SITUATION: Once the Monster and Kimwakazzi leave the chair room, Derrick wants to make a run for it. Malcolm shakes his head no in disagreement to afraid to speek.
CUT TO:
34. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
Michelle glances over to Derrick, Malcolm, Wanda and Nikki and mouths the words goodbye. Michelle begins her long walk toward the exit and past the Funeral Director but she collapses midway and won’t get up. The Funeral Director walks to her and helps her to her feet and continues to assist her out the exit.
35. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT – DAY/NIGHT.
HORROR SITUATION: The group returns and notices that Michelle is no longer with them. They notice the trail of blood.
· DENIAL: They feel like the plan to distract the monster didn’t work.
· Reaction: Niki feels like she sacrificed her body for nothing.
· RELEASE: Malcolm and Derrick explain what happened and that they are only partially strapped in and able to escape.
· MONSTER REVEAL: They also explain that the monster is a popular Det. With the ATLANTA police department who is on TV every week. He’s the vampire/human liaison officer. It’s his job to keep the peace between Humans and Vampires.
HORROR SITUATION: The group can hear chopping of what they are now sure are body parts.
· REACTION: Wanda, what are you guys waiting for let’s get out of here.
· DENIAL: Derrick suggests that only one person escape and goes for help. Too many escaping will get them all killed.
· APPREHENSION: Malcolm tries to release Niki while Derrick tries to release Wanda.
· REACTION: It fails. The monster and his assistant return to the room after hearing the commotion.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
FIGHT TO THE DEATH:
36. INT. ATLANTA POLICE DEPARTMENT VAMPIRE/HUMAN HOMICIDE VICTIMS UNIT – NIGHT
DETECTIVE LEO RILEY is welcomed to the unit by CAPTAIN MARSHAL. He directs Det. Riley to stop by for an unannounced visit to Det. Reineer Davenport who hasn’t shown up for work in over four days and reminds him that Reineer’s brother has been missing.
37. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT – DAY/NIGHT
Malcolm and Derrick have escaped and are on the run. They were unable to free Nikki and Wanda because they thought they heard the Monster and Kimwakazzi returning to the chair room.
HORROR SITUATION: Malcolm and Derrick duck behind the black curtain. They see a casket and other scary objects. They see someone chained to the floor with a black hood over her face.
· REACTION: Derrick wants to keep running but Malcolm wants to help her.
· SUSPENSE: Malcolm snatches the hood from her head. She looks to be a fierce vampire.
· SCARY: She glares her fangs and hisses at him causing her chains to rattle.
HORROR SITUATION: The monster hears the commotion from behind the curtain and orders his assistant to check it out.
· SCARY: The assistant leaps behind the curtain and growls and glares his fangs hoping to catch the two escapees. He searches but they are gone.
HORROR SITUATION: Malcolm and Derrick make their way through the basement noticing things along the way.
· CREEPY: They notice Michelle’s clothing and some mutilated body parts. They come across what appears to be a covered cage.
· DENIAL: They hope to find a survivor in the cage. Derrick insists they find a way out.
· SUSPENCE: Malcolm uncovers the cage.
· SCARY: A vicious vampire dog type leaps at him from behind the cage doors.
· REACTION: Derrick, Can we go now Good Samaritan?
· RELEASE: They find a partially open basement window.
· REACTION: They realize the window is too high to reach. They play rock paper scissors to see who will lift who through the window. They play a few rounds, Derrick cheats at it. Malcolm wins.
· DENIAL: Derrick can’t lift Malcolm’s overweight body.
· DENIAL: Malcolm couldn’t fit through window anyway.
· REACTION: Malcolm lifts Derrick through the window.
HORROR SITUATION: From outside the window, Derrick turns to restate his promise to go for help just as the monster snaps Malcolm’s neck all the way around.
· REACTION: Derrick hides from the Monster’s view.
· MONSTER REVEAL: The monster stands there to look for Derrick.
HORROR SITUATION: The monster hears the doorbell ring.
· REACTION: The monster drags Malcolm’s body back to the chair room and places Malcolm’s dead body back into an empty chair.
· REACTION: Nikki and Wanda both yell and scream for help.
HORROR SITUATION: The monster hears the doorbell again.
· REACTION: The monster calls for his assistant, no answer.
· DENIAL: The assistant is hiding from the monster.
HORROR SITUATION: The doorbell rings again nonstop.
38. EXT. MONSTER HOUSE – NIGHT
Det. Riley is banging and ringing at the door. Derrick is watching from the side bushes but ready to make a run for it. He has no intentions on helping. After seeing Malcolm killed he figures everyone else is also dead. Derrick watches as Det. Riley enters the house.
· REACTION: Derrick wants to get close enough to hear the conversation.
· DENIAL: Derrick thinks that Det. Riley will save the day.
39. INT. MONSTER HOUSE FRONT DOOR — NIGHT
Det. Riley introduces himself to Det. Davenport and mentions that the Cpt. Told him to drop by to inquire why he’s been out almost a week and that he will be his new partner relocated from the DEKALB POLICE DEPARTMENT.
HORROR SITUATION: Det. Riley can hear cries for help coming from the basement but doesn’t let on that he can hear them.
· FEAR: The Monster realizes that he has left the basement door open.
· DENIAL: Det. Riley tries to say goodbye so Det. Davenport can get back to whatever he was doing.
· ANGUISH: The Monster believes Det. Riley is onto him.
· SCARY: The front door fly’s open with a loud slam against the wall but there is no gust of wind. Det. Riley reacts to this. He’s caught off guard. He tries to maintain his fear. That was no wind gust.
· REACTION: The Monster shows Det. Riley to the door.
· RELEASE: Det. Riley turns toward the screen door to leave. He’s relieved.
HORROR SITUATION:
· MONSTER REVEAL: Det. Davenport places his left hand on the back of Det. Riley’s upper back/lower neck area as if to pat him on the back, like a good by gesture. But with his right hand he grabs the open Oak Wood door.
·With his left hand Det. Davenport pins Det. Riley’s head to the door-frame and begins slamming the Oak Wood Door onto Det. Riley’s head over and over again. Skull and brain grey matter splatters everywhere including onto Det. Davenport’s face.
· SCARY: Det. Davenport lifts Det. Riley’s dead body over his shoulder, locks the front door and carries him to the basement.
40. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The Monster carries Det. Riley’s body to the basement.
HORROR SITUATION:
He drops Det. Riley’s dead body onto the empty chair between NIKKI and WANDA.
· REACTION: Nikki and Wanda become frantic, Nikki begs for her life to be spared.
41. EXT THE STREET-NIGHT
Derrick, who witnessed the murder of Det. Riley takes off running down the street and has no plans to look back let alone help.
42. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster snatches Wanda from her chair, breaking through the straps and all.
· REACTION: In true Marine fashion.
· SHOCK: She battles it out.
· DENIAL: She refuses to let the Monster make her beg or show any weakness.
· REACTION: The monster sinks his teeth into her neck, drains her of her blood and tosses her body to the floor.
43. INT DET RILEY’S CAR– NIGHT
Derrick has a second thought and turns around. He runs back the police car. Derrick makes a radio call to the police station, Officer Down and he gives them the address. He grabs the shotgun filled with shotgun shells filled with UV serum.
44. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT – NIGHT
Derrick makes his way with the shotgun back through the basement window.
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster snatches Nikki from behind the chair and throws her into an empty chair and is going to kill her.
· MONSTER REVEAL: The Monster wants to have a little fun with Nikki.
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster picks Wanda’s dead body from the floor and treats her like she’s a ventriloquist dummy. He torments Nikki.
· FEAR: The Monster flings Wanda’s body onto the floor. Nikki is hysterical now. She can’t control her fear. She’s struggling in the chair. Her tears wont’ stop crying.
· REACTION: Nikki begs the monster not to kill her and she will do anything he wants, just don’t kill me.
· ANGUISH: She looks at the monster assistant and begs for his help.
· RELEASE: Nikki thinks of a way out.
· REACTION: The Monster agrees to the terms. Nikki can go back under, one more time at the wake service.
45. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
Nikki is standing at the podium. All five members of the main group are present to hear her departing eulogy.
46. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
The Monster thinks he hears something and sends Kimwakazzi to investigate. Kazzi doesn’t go; instead he hides and only pretends to leave the room.
47. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR-NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: Nikki can hear a squeaking noise behind her. She turns to look.
· SCARY: While Nikki is reading her speech everyone in attendees stand at the same time as if pulled up all at once. She continues as they all point at the casket, again at the same time.
· SCARY: The casket opens.
· SHOCK: Nikki looks and it’s her body in the casket.
48. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-DAY/NIGHT
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster grabs an unconscious Nikki from her chair and lifts her high over his head. He prepares his free hand, claws drawing out, to snatch Nikki’s heart from her chest.
· SURPRISE: The Monster assistant grabs the Monster’s hand to stop him.
· SHOCK: The Monster can’t believe he’s been betrayed by his assistant.
· MONSTER REVEAL: He flings Nikki to the floor and kills his assistant. The Monster looks around.
· DENIAL: The Monster can’t believe how things have turned out.
HORROR SITUATION: The Monster picks Nikki up to kill her.
· SURPRISE: Derrick is behind the Monster. “Hey”
· SHOCK: The Monster turns toward Derrick.
· REACTION: Derrick fires the shotgun.
· ANGUISH: it’s too late. The Monster is holding Niki’s heart in his hand as he bursts into amber flames
· ANGUISH: Derrick takes a look around and can’t believe he survived.
49. INT. MONSTER HOUSE FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Derrick is ordered to drop the gun by the waiting police and is swiftly removed from the house. They place Derrick in handcuffs, take him to a police car and begin a search of the house.
50. INT. MONSTER BASEMENT-NIGHT
The police discover the torture that has gone on in the house.
They follow the narrow hallway behind the torture room to a room directly behind the chairs and find a series of IV stands containing freshly drawn bags of blood. They continue around the narrow hall to the opposite end and discover a walk-in cooler filled with bags of blood, the chained female vampire and discover a closed casket with an IV drip and fresh bag of blood leading into the casket from the back. They begin to open the casket…
CUT TO:
THREE MONTHS EARLIER:
A lone Catholic priest sits on a parkbench at sunrise. A pleading voice can be heard over a speaker cellphone.
End Outline.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Tony Scott.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Tony Scott.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Tony Scott.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Tony Scott.
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Day 16: Time to Exchange Feedback
Subject Line:(Huey J. Williams) Horror Outline Version 1
Title: “THE THINGAMAJIG”
Logline:
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods, that they will never forget.
Horror Outline Follows:
THE THINGAMAJIG – HORROR SITUATION TRACK
1. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
NOTE: OPENING SCENE
Horror Situation:
A forest near a lake illuminated by a full moon, the sounds of desperate
HISSING, and INJURED WOLF GROWL, QUICK THUMPING HITTING THE GROUND, slithers
threw the bush in hot pursuit of a EIGHT POINT BUCK.
The Buck SHRIEKS in pain when something in the bushes rips off it’s feet and
begins devouring it, bones CRUNCHING SOUNDS.
CLOSE ON – Just the monster’s mouth chewing is seen, as it takes big bites of
dear meat.
The forest goes silent.
CLOSE ON – SCREECH OWL SHRIEKS, as he watches from a tree.
2. INT. MOTORHOME – NIGHT
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods.
ALDEN drives the motorhome, SHAD his dog liying at his side CORY rides shotgun,
GRAM, ASHLEY, CATE, and ZOEY sit together at the table, all close friends
throughout High School.
Alden pulls up and stops at a sign that reads: “Black Forest Keep Out”
APPREHENSION: As to why the warning.
SUSPENSE: Why the keep out order.
They continue to the campsite by the lake.
3. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE BY THE LAKE – NIGHT
Under a full moon, Ashley, Alden, and Shad pitch their tent and climb in.
Cate and Cory pitch their ten and climb in.
Zoey and Gram pitch their tent and climb in.
In the bushes hiding the monster watches, not making a sound.
Gram decides to go for a jog threw the woods, his nightly routine.
Gram retuns to camp and notices the motorhome is smoking.
The Group jumps into action rush to put out the elctrical fire, then back into their tents.
4. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Suddenly, there is a LOAD HISSIN followed by a SICK WOLF HOWL!
Everybody jumps out of bed.
APPREHENSION:They are isolated.
CREEPY MOMENT: Alden goes after Shad.
FEAR: Of the unknown all Characters.
PANIC: They have no idea what they are dealing with.
MONSTER REVEAL: Not seen yet, but its something strange.
Shad begins BARKING and GROWELING, then he runs out the tent in hot pursuit
into the woods after the monster.
Alden grabs his rifle and follows shad and tries to catch up into the woods.
5. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden enters area of the forest where he finds Shad’s collar and his fur scattered
on the ground, he picks up the collar.
Alden notes something in the bushes watching him, he can’t see what it
is but he knows it’s there, he keeps his gun on the ready as he heads back to
camp.
CREEPY MOMENT: Alden knows something watching him in the bush.
FEAR: The unknown.
EMOTIONAL: About loosing Shad.
UNNERVING: Death could be stairing at him in the bush.
6. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Everyone in the camp, Ashley, Cory, Cate, Zoey, except for Gram are gathered
together in terror huging each other.
Alden returns with only Shad’s Tags and some of his fur.
Alden hugs Ashley almost in tears.
FEAR: Everyone at campsite.
SUSPENSE: What happend in the forest, and where is Shad.
DREAD: The death of Shad.
STARTLED: They know they are isolated and my be attacked.
They all move out of the tents into the motorhome.
7. INT. MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The Group make their way into the motorhome and bed down for the night.
Zoey tries to make a call home on her cell phone, no signal.
APREHENSION: Can’t call home.
ISOLATION: No phone signal.
Gram, and Alden armed decides to share watch duty for the night.
FEAR: Of unwanted visiter.
SUSPENSE: What is stalking them.
The monster is watching the motorhome in the bushes.
8. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The monster enters the camp, ransacking the tents, then goes to
the motorhome and peeps threw the bathroom window.
9. INT. MOTOHOME – NIGHT
A Horror Situation:
Zoey is in the bathroom bushing he teeth, when she spot the monster’s
big eyees enlarged face staring at her, she SCREAMS and runs out of
the bathroom.
SHOCK: The monter’s face.
HYSTERIA: Gets her first look at the monster.
FEAR: Feels helpless.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being watched by a monster.
SCARED: Nearly to death, fear capture.
Zoey, Ashley, Cate begin SCREAMING as LOUD as they can!
FEAR: For their life.
DREAD: Of what might happen to them.
HYSTERIA: Of the monster capturing them.
SHOCK: There being a monster hunting them.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
The monster jumps up and downon the motorhome HISSING, HOWLING LIKE AN
INJURED WOLF, shaking things up and SHOUTS FEED ME over and over.
10. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden, Gram, Cory, go into action each armed, they make their way out of the
motorhome they get their first look at the monster, and begin shooting.
SHOCK: Their first look at the monster.
FEAR: They know nothing about the monster.
STARTLED: Never seen anything like this before.
EMOTIONAL: They could loose their lives.
DREAD: Must come up with a way to destroy monster.
CREEPY MOMENT: Something they have never seen before.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
They make multiple hits, but it doesn’t kill the monster, it runs away into the
darkness.
SURPRISE: Bullets won’t kill monster.
Alden, Gram, Cory are sweating, knees kocking, wide eyeed and they can’t believe
what they just saw.
11. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Later that evening the Thingamajig strikes again this time Cate, Zoey, and Ashley all
get a look at it, as it raids the tents looking for food or one of them.
DREAD: Never seen a monster before.
HYSTERIA: Afraid to die.
FEAR: nearly scared to death.
Ashley, Cate, Zoey CRYING, sweating, Zoey soil herselves.
12. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden, Gram, Cory attack the Thingamajig a battle begins with fire, (molotov cocktails), they miss,
and they chase the Thingamajig, it’s tracks leads them deep into the black forest.
The Thingamajig, makes his way back to the motorhome.
13. INT. THE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Ashley, Cate, and Zoey are lock inside waiting for Alden, Cory, and Gram to return, they begin hearing
STRANGE NOISES outside the motorhome.
APPREHENSION: Waiting for Aden, Cory, and Gram to return safely.
FEAR: Monster my return.
ANXIETY: Worry, nervous.
Cate peeps outside the window and sees a hairy body runs past, she starts SCREAMING, so do Ashley and Zoey.
The Thingamajig starts turning the door knob, trying to get into the motohome, and he’s chanting FEED
ME over and over.
The Thingamajig opens the door to the motorhome, stairing at the girl salivating at the mouth, it GROWLS LIKE
A WOLF as it is about to enter.
SHOCK: Fears for their lives.
HYSTERIA: Doomed by the monster.
PANIC: Monster my come in motorhome.
DREAD: Death is at the door.
14. EXT./INT. CAMPSITE MOTORHOME – NIGHT
Alden, Cory, and Gram appear, start firing shot at the Thingamajig and it runs into the woods.
Alden, Cory, and Gram rush into the motorhome and hugg their CRYING girl friends.
RELEASE: The girls are saved.
ALDEN
We were chasing the Thingamajig it trick us, we never thought
it would double back here to the motorhome.
15. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig returns and begins HOWLING, near the motorhome, Alden, Cory, and Gram take action, head
out to fight the Thingamajig.
Face to face with the Thingamajig, Alden, Cory, and Gram begin throwing molotov cocktail, but the
Thingamajig is quick, they miss.
Gram moves in close for a better shot with the molotov cocktail.
The Thingamajig charges, grabs Gram, runs into the darkness of the forest.
Ashley, Cate, and Zoey watch and begin SCREAMING, and close the motorhome door, hide.
Alden and Cory, armed place four molotov cocktails in cooler and head out tracking Gram and
the thingamajig, they follow the Thingamajig’s foot prints to his hideout.
ANGUISH: Gram’s capture.
DREAD: Must try and save Gram.
16. EXT. BLACK FOREST THINGAMAJIG’S HIDEOUT – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig hideout, a near hole in the ground.
Alden and Cory arrive at the Thingamajig’s cave.
APPREHENSION/SUPENSE: The challenge to try and save Gram and kill the Thingamajig.
ANXIETY/FEAR/CREEPY MOMENT/DISTURBING ENVIRONMENT: They must do what has to be done.
17. INT. THINGAMAJIG’S LAIR – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Alden and Cory enter the Thingamajig’s lair slowly, molotov cocktails in hand, as they
move deeper into the cave.
Suddenly a BIG BLACK BAT attacks them on his way out of
the cave.
PANIC: They almost run.
SURPISE: The bat scraches them.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the Thingamajig’s lair.
In the distance Alden and Cory, hear sounds of BONES CRUNCHING, CHEWING, and SWALLOWING,
then it stops.
Alden and Cory look at each other’
APPREHENSION: The sounds in the distance.
FEAR: In the shaddows the Thingamajig waits.
SUSPENSE: Will Gram be alive.
DREAD: What will they find.
Alden and Cory look at each other.(Fear/Anguish)
With blood, gutes, and gleaming sharp teeth, the Thingamajig leaps out, almost grabing Cory,
as he jumps out of the way.
Alden throws a molotov cocktail and misses.
The Thingamajig spits a black paste at Alden, misses, jumps at him,
Cory throws a molotov cocktail, which catches the Thingamajig’s leg on fire.
The Thingamajig WOLF HOWLS in pain.
Alden throws his last molotov cocktail, hitting the Thingamajig’s upper body, he hits
the ground burning, HOWLING.
Alden and Cory fire several shots into the Thingamajig’s body, as it burns, then it morphs
into something even more hideous.
As it burns the Thingamajig morphs to a BIG MAGGOT, then to ASH.
RELEASE: Finally the kill the Thingamajig.
The go deeper into the cave and they find the half eaten body of Gram, they stair at his body,
both almost in tears, they bury whats left of Gram’s body and head back to camp.
DREAD: For their friend.
ANGUIH: They couldn’t save Gram.
GROSSED OUT: To see his half eaten body.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the cave.
18. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden and Cory take Gram’s body out of the cave and bury him in the forest, then make their
way back to the camp.
19. EXT./INT. MOTORHOME – NIGHT
Ashley, Cate, Zoey stand at the motorhome happy to see Alden, informs then that Gram is
dead, and so is the monster, Zoey begins CRYING.
ANGUISH:CRYING for her lost love.
20. EXT. THE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Together with Ashley, Cate, Zoey, Alden and Cory hike their way out to the main road,
where they catch a ride back to town for help.
RELEASE: Headed home.
As they walk huddled threw the black forest there is movement in the bushes.
Ashley, Cate, and Zoey start SCREAMING, Alden and Cory take aim.
Out walks an EIGHT POINT BUCK, looks at them, then wanders back into the woods.
They all take a deep breath, sigh of relief.
STARTLED: Thought it was another monster.
EMOTIONAL: Sared
RELEASE: False alarm, no threat.
21. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
What appears as a falling star lights the sky, then lands near the lake.
CLOSE ON – A Thingamajig sureys the forest, grimaceing look on his face, looks at
the moon, HISSES and INJURED WOLF HOWLS into the night…
SUSPENSE: Who will be next, time will tell.
FADE OUT
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Feedback 1
This is very nicely done. I enjoyed reading the outline. It’s a Really good structured outline. There is nothing that I think is confusing. It seems all questions were answered. The Log line is short and says it all. I’m in Atlanta and THINGAMAJIG was the name of the OLYMPIC MASCOT during the 96 games.
I was surprised that only two characters died, Shad and Grahm, are you going to kill anyone else?
You have terrorized the characters, isolated them, they are threatened with possibility of death, the monster is identified. I like that you included not only hunting the monster but also defending the camp. The shooting star in the end makes it also seem like the monster is extraterrestrial.
Moral statement: They could have fixed the mobile home got in the mobile home and drove off to save themselves but then the monster would still exist and continuing to kill others.
RULES: The Monster seems to kill for food.
There is a distinguishable group of college bound students who put themselves into an isolated situation. They ignore the warning signs or decide to challenge them. I would say that makes them almost like thrill seekers with a death wish.
The Dying pattern consists of two victims plus the monster with the men becoming the hunters and the women are the ones who are scared.
Who is going to experience the horror? I’m not clear who the overall hero is except that it is more of a group hero effort. From the outline there doesn’t seem to be distinguishable character traits as in universal characters. Who is the loner, the whiner, the hero type, the jerk?
5 HORROR PLOT: All three acts are easily identified.
6 HORROR SITUATION: ATTACKED, CHASED, IMPEDING DOOM, MONSTER TRYING TO GET YOU, MONSTET APPROACHING, MENTALLY TORTURED, TWO MISSING FEARED DEAD. MOTIVE IS KNOWN, KILLING FOR FOOD.
ORDER OF DEATHS: SHAD WAS DOING HIS JOB, GRAHM WAS HUNTING THE MONSTER AS PART OF THE GROUP. BOTH ARE LOYAL TO THE GROUP.
7: THEY CHARGE BLINDLY INTO BATTLE BUT USE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS AND SHOTGUNS FOR WEAPONS.
8 MONSTER REVEAL: UNSEEN AT FIRS, WE SEE THE CAMP FROM MONSTER POV, WE THINK THE MONSTER IS AN ALIEN, IT’S FAST AND STRONG AND HUGE, WEAKNESS TO FIRE, IT TRANSFORMS INTO SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE IT IS EXTINGUISHED, THE FIRST REVEAL IS THE BATHROOM.
(NOTE, MAYBE THE REST OF THE GROUP CAN BE IN DENIAL AND SUGGEST MAYBE IT WAS JUST A BEAR, KATE BECOMES FURIOUS BECAUSE THEY DON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE SAW; CONFLICT)
Scene 4
I like how there is a dog involved it adds another point of view.
Scene 5
I think if there is a trail of blood and then Alden finds Shad’s collar could add a SUSPENSE moment.
APPREHENSION: ALDEN FEELS HE’S BEING WATCHED?
DREAD: REALIZING THAT MAYBE SHAD IS DEAD
SCENE 6:
I SEE THE DREAD, GOOD
SCENE 9:
GOOD CREEPY MOMENT SET UP FOR A BATHROOM SCENE.
SCENE 11:
CREEPY: ZOE SOILING HERSELF?
SCENE 14:
RELEASE: VERY GOOD SET UP.
SCENE 15:
SINCE IT’S THE FIRST CAPTURE BY THE MONSTER MAYBE YOU CAN GET MORE HORROR EMOTIONS FROM GRAHMS POV OF HIS OWN CAPTURE?
SCENE 17:
SCARY MOMENT: THE BIG BAT ATTACK
SUGGESTIONS:
Another good suspense moment can happen if one of them decides to try and fix the motorhome after the electrical fire and gets captured.
A conflict moment can occur if some of the group decide they should leave but others decide they should stay and fight and find Gram.
I wonder what would happen if they don’t bury Gram somewhere else near the cave but use a make-shift litter to carry his body out of the woods but the monster begins to pick them off one by one. The lone survivor or two then trace the monster to his cave. They kill the monster and also save the lives of those who have survived.
I wonder what would happen if one member left the group to walk to the nearby town for help and returned, got lost, to find everyone missing? He/she would have to track them and fight the monster alone to save the group.
I think you can pull out a lot more conflicts if you can make the situations more impossible. Maybe fix the mobilhome but when they begin to leave the monster damages the tires and they have to leave on foot. One by one they get captured and when the lone survivor returns without help, he/she has to track the cave and save the group.
I hope this is helpful.
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If you decide to go with the make shift litter idea maybe they keep ending up back at the Mobil home while losing a member or two along the way.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Sunil Pappu’s Outline Version 1
Title: Signals
Logline: A family with no digital footprint stranded in a mega mall in town, must remain blindfolded to survive, where deaf light-sensitive mysterious species scan eyes and mimic their memories to lure and kill.
Horror Outline – VERSION 1
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
1. INT. ABANDONED SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Shops inside the mega mall are destroyed and lie derelict and desolate. Teenage twin boys play blindfolded with their younger sister, DAISY DONNER in a dilapidated play area. JASON DONNER the athletic twin thinks it’s a stupid game to play and swings his baseball bat around. Daisy stumbles into a… TV showroom
HORROR SITUATION: Trapped inside a shopping mall
APPREHENSION: Teen boys and a young girl are playing blindfolded in an abandoned shopping mall. The walking stick sensor beeps…
RELEASE: It’s just a rock…
SURPRISE: Why are they playing inside such a derelict place with their eyes closed? A sudden chill descends. A faint metallic rapid clicking sound… they stop to hear.
SHOCK: Daisy stumbles on a dead corpse with gouged-out eyes! Something did this!
2. INT. TV SHOWROOM – DAY
The showroom floor is messy with broken electronics strewn around but some TVs are still intact. One of the TVs comes on in the back and something scratches and destroys it leaving huge slits in the glass.
An enormous eye of the DETECTOR glides past them undetected.
MIKE DONNER, the blind twin, senses the detector and drags his younger sister out to safety. The other twin, Jason, lingers at the smartphone counter and accidentally turns on the power to the whole store lighting up the screens. They use the stanchion or retractable queue tape to get out of the store… along a path…
A violent storm and a chill descend inside the showroom and all the blue lights pop like firecrackers to the sounds of incessant clicking.
HORROR SITUATION: Lost – Young girl playing a game with her older brothers gets lost and accidentally stumbles into something…
APPREHENSION: young girl playing blindfolded on a messy floor of an abandoned electronics store
SURPRISE: One of the TVs comes on in the back
SHOCK: a clicking and sound of metal blades slicing glass
MONSTER REVEAL: the detectors make clicking sounds with their blade-like claws
FEAR: TV bursts and we see scratches and a huge slit in the glass
RELEASE: Mike drags his sister outside the store.
MONSTER REVEAL: The detector has one enormous eye and can glide past undetected.
SUSPENSE: Mike calls out to his brother, but Jason lingers on in the smartphone section
RELEASE: Mike uses the stanchion or retractable queue tape to get out of the store… along a path…
DREAD: Jason accidentally turns on the power that lights up the devices in the store. Mike stops and turns…
ANGUISH: A violent storm and a chill descends in the showroom
MONSTER REVEAL: the detectors reduce the temperature in the room to below freezing
PANIC: All the blue lights pop like firecrackers to the sounds of incessant clicking.
TERROR: Daisy sees through her blindfold and screams
MONSTER REVEAL: the detectors are attracted to the blue light from mobile devices
MONSTER REVEAL: They are otherwise blind to other light – Are they Blind?
3. EXT/INT. TV SHOWROOM – DAY
The father, PHIL DONNER drops a car battery he’s carrying, grabs onto the rope, and traces his steps. All the smartphones and TVs are smashed with huge slits in them like someone ran an enormous blade through all of them. Jason with his baseball bat moves closer trying to see through his blindfold when his father, Phil, pulls him back dropping his son’s blindfold in the tussle.
An enormous eye swivel around but Phil quickly picks up the blindfold and forces his son Jason to shut his eyes and covers them up. The enormous eye lingers and swivels back to the blue screen glow as if sucking out its light.
Phil drags Jason away to safety and scolds him for breaking the family rules. Mike waiting for them, quickly grabs the rope to retrace their way and leads everyone back
HORROR SITUATION: Monster approaching – The Detector finds Jason
APPREHENSION: Phil hears the screams and drops the car battery he’s carrying and grabs the rope to retrace his steps up
SURPRISE: All the smartphones and TVs are smashed with huge slits in them like someone ran an enormous blade through all of them.
SHOCK: Jason with his baseball bat moves closer trying to see through his blindfold when someone pulls him back dropping his blindfold in the tussle – it’s his father Phil.
FEAR: An enormous eye swivel around but Phil quickly picks up the blindfold and forces his son Jason to shut his eyes and covers them up.
SUSPENSE: The enormous eye lingers and swivels back to the blue screen glow as if sucking out its light.
MONSTER REVEAL: The Detector is attracted to the human eye and the blue glow of LED screens. You cannot be detected if you cover your eyes.
RELEASE: Phil drags Jason away to safety and scolds him for breaking the family rules. Mike waiting for them, quickly grabs the rope to retrace their way and leads everyone back.
4. INT. DINING/HOME DECOR – EVENING
SARAH DONNER, the mother, rings a cycle bell to summon the family to dinner in the home furnishing store that is now neatly decorated like their home. Everyone in their blindfolds, uses the pathways to get to the table and take their places with practiced ease.
Jason disagrees with his father about the rules – of no moving without blindfolds and no cell phone and argues that his girlfriend could be dead but wants to call her in case she made it. Mike thinks he’s selfish. Daisy cries and Sarah consoles her and breaks up the fight. They eat in silence for the rest of dinner.
5. INT. WORKSTATION – EVENING
Phil is inside a tiny tarped-up tent tinkering with his car battery DC generator.
6. INT. HOME DÉCOR – EVENING
Sarah feeds Daisy narrating her favorite zombie story. Jason hides a smartphone he snatched inside a soap box.
7. EXT. BATHROOM – EVENING
Mike approaches Jason with his walker on his way to the showers. Jason tags along and tells him he could have done the same thing in his place. Jason asks him to keep the soap box hidden in the cubicle and he takes it from him.
8. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Sarah wears eyeshades to take her bath in the tub and drapes the tub with a black tarpaulin sheet to go underwater to open her eyes and clean them.
9. INT. RESTROOM CUBICLE – NIGHT
Jason finds the smartphone hidden in the soap box in the restroom cubicle and turns it on and the blue LED light comes on. He removes his blindfold to make a phone call to check on his girlfriend and feels a cold chill.
An enormous eye pops out inside the cubicle and scans his eyes… Jason’s body drops dead on the floor with eyes gouged out and blood oozing out of them. It seeps into the next cubicle the wetness touching the feet of his blind twin, Mike, making him jump up and onto the commode.
In the next cubicle, he feels his way around but there is no Jason, only blood-soaked clothes cut up by the sharp blade-like claws lying on the floor. Mike sounds the family alarm.
HORROR SITUATION: Doing something forbidden / Face to Face with Monster – Jason makes a phone call to check on his girlfriend and comes face to face with the Detector.
APPREHENSION: Jason finds the smartphone hidden inside the soap box, turns it on and removes his blindfold to make a call
FEAR: A cold chill descends inside the cubicle and the tap freezes over
MONSTER REVEAL: The Detector can pop up wherever and scans the human eye
HORROR: Jason’s body drops on the floor with eyes gouged out and blood oozing from the empty sockets.
HYSTERIA: The blood seeps into the next cubicle and touches the feet of the blind twin Mike. He touches the wetness, smells and brings it to his mouth to taste but revolts at the recognition of blood and vomits into the commode. He finds the blood-soaked clothes on the floor cut up by sharp blades and sounds the family alarm.
MONSTER REVEAL: The Detector gouges out the eyes and absorbs the bodies leaving only the cut-up clothes.
10. LATER
Phil goes into shock at losing his favourite twin son. Sarah hugs her remaining kids and cries. Daisy numbs out and clings to blind brother Mike.
11. INT. WORKSTATION/BASEMENT PARKING – DAY
Phil confines himself to the parking lot tinkering with car batteries under a black tarp-covered makeshift workstation fixing the generators. He drives Mike away to look out for his sister, making him feel guilty for the loss of his twin brother.
12. INT. HOME – DAY
Sarah remains strong for her kids. She plays with Daisy in her play tent covered in a black tarp.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
13. EXT. ABANDONED SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Cars with rotting corpses pile up outside the mall on the streets. Phil in blindfolds carefully feels his way to unplug a car battery. Mike, hands him the wrench but Phil snaps at him for a plier. They have a strained relationship and Mike feels guilty as the twin who survived.
14. INT. GENERATOR ROOM – DAY
They drag the car batteries to the generator room to power up the heaters.
15. INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Sarah in the bathtub opens her eyes to see inside the water. A detector enters and lurks around, and Sarah can feel its coldness as the room freezes a little whenever they are around. She pulls the black tarp over her and waits…
She can feel the detector’s ragged breath. Detector’s enormous eyes see into the bottom of the tub as the tarp slips away. Sarah holds her breath underwater… The detector gets confused and leaves… Sarah grabs her blindfold and comes out of the water to breathe…
HORROR SITUATION: Monster trying to get to you – Sarah is trapped inside the bathtub as a Detector looks for her eyes underwater…
FEAR: Sarah is in the bathtub, suddenly the water goes cold and she knows that a detector is close by
SUSPENSE: Sarah waits holding her breath to remain underwater…
DREAD: she can hear the ragged breath… she fights to remain underwater when an enormous eye swivels around confused… then drifts away…
MONSTER REVEAL: The Detector breathes in a ragged breath and can’t scan the eye underwater due to refraction
16. INT. WORKSTATION – DAY
Phil sits in the tiny, darkened room with a headlamp to find things in the dark. His wall is scribbled with clues about what the detectors are capable of and what their traits are like “Enormous eye” “attracted to LED light” “Smartphones” “Cold chill – Why?” “sword-like claws” “Known Surviors 4. any others???” It’s blank on the weaknesses. But is quite clear, he wants revenge for his son… “REVENGE” is written in bold in the middle.
There is a radio that he checks every 15 minutes to see if there is someone else out there. He suddenly hears a thunder… He grabs his car keys, puts on the blindfold and rings a family alarm system… rushes out into the basement parking. He fumbles with a garage door and opens it to reveal a brand-new truck loaded with arms and car batteries in the trunk. He feels his way to the driver’s side door and gets in…
17. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Sarah jumps out of her tub and slips back into her clothes. She finds her way to the playpen and grabs Daisy and their bags… drops a few essentials. She calls out to her son Mike.
Mike is ready with his walker and rucksack with heavy books. She leaves them behind but then turns to pick one up. They hurry down to the basement using the pathway of ropes.
18. INT. TRUCK – DAY
They are packed into the truck. Phil takes a deep breath and turns on the ignition. He still has his blindfold on. The camera is blacked out and the display is covered with black tape too. Mike has the timer to measure their speed and shouts out his estimates.
They turn on their headlamps when they get out of the parking lot just missing the edge of the curved ramp. Sarah and Daisy hold each other tight in the back silently.
Thunder and lightning crackle down on them… a huge bright lighting bolt drops nearby illuminating the skies… clicking of the detector’s claws can be heard in the distance.
Lighting storm intensifies… Mike shouts: Now! Phil pulls off his blindfold and floors it through the storm. He reaches the mobile tower and tries to power it up using the car batteries loaded in the back of his truck. Mike detects a broken cable and runs up to his dad to get his attention, but Phil doesn’t hear him through the hard-hitting rain, still trying to turn the power on.
Sarah turns on the mobile device and waits for the signal… Daisy clings to her mommy shivering in the rain. The storm starts to die down… Phil loads the batteries back into the truck.
Daisy goes missing… Phil goes to look for her. He finds her staring down at the broken cables holding Mike who seems to be crying in the rain…
Phil curses the broken cable tries to rejoin them and notices a broken part on the side ripped by a sharp claw like those of the detectors but doesn’t notice his son cry. He scolds Daisy for running off and summons Mike back inside.
They reload everything. Sarah still trying to get a signal lifts up the phone in the air. Phil sees her and jumps up to grab the phone and flings it far away into the dark forest.
They drive back quickly before the storm subsides. Everyone except Phil put on their blindfolds. Phil reminds Mike that he needs to put them on too but he refuses and looks away. Sarah consoles him and puts it on for him.
A lightning bolt illuminates for an instant a tall mobile tower where a swamp of detectors is charging themselves from the lightning bolt. Phil catches a glimpse…
They drive back just in time before the lighting stops. Phil is frustrated… he’s planned this for a long time. Everyone grabs what they brought… Phil asks Mike to take a battery back to the gen room with him…
HORROR SITUATION: Forces of Nature / Impending Doom – Phil packs everyone into the car to ride to the mobile tower during the lightning storm
FEAR: They pull off their blindfold and drive the car into the storm
SUSPENSE: They get to the mobile tower and discover a broken cable.
DREAD: Daisy goes missing
RELEASE: Phil finds her holding Mike who is crying in the rain
SURPRISE: A broken claw of the Detector lies with the broken cable
FEAR: the storm starts to abate and Phil throws the mobile from Sarah’s hands and they put on their blindfolds except Phil who has to drive.
SHOCK: A lightning bolt illuminates for an instant a tall mobile tower where a swamp of detectors is charging themselves from the lightning bolt.
19. INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Mike drags the battery and carries the rucksack and walker in the other hand… he is trailing everyone and lost in his thoughts when his blindfold comes off and he doesn’t notice it… keeps walking.
Suddenly, he feels chilly and stops. drops the battery and rubs his hands.
Mike keeps pressing his walker sensor and slowly… clicking sound receded… and the detector vanishes. Mike feels for his blindfold and tears out a bottom strip from his t-shirt to make a new one.
HORROR SITUATION: Face to Face with the monster – Mike falls behind the group and comes face to face with a Detector but escapes unharmed
FEAR: Mike’s blindfold comes off and continues to walk on
SUSPENSE: The chill stops him dead in the tracks. He hears the clicking and points his walker.
SURPRISE: it’s only a lamp flown off due to the storm into their path…
SHOCK: He turns to the front and it’s an enormous eye of the Detector! His watch speaker gives a loud warning – “WARNING: NEAR COLLISION”
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>MONSTER REVEAL: Laser light from the sensor harms the eye of the detector and causes it distress.
20. EXT. HOME DÉCOR – DAY
The storm has destroyed some of their paths knocking things onto the floor. Sarah is brooming with a blindfold while Mike uses his walker to detect objects in the way… it’s a slow painstaking process as they mark a fresh path… to create a safe corridor with ropes. Daisy picks useful items and plays with her finds…
21. INT. WORKSTATION – DAY
Phil is tinkering with new power cables…
22. EXT. PAINT SHOP – DAY
Daisy walks out with paint all over herself… crying. Mike feels and tastes it. He rushes her to the bathroom and washes her up. Sarah rings the bell for lunch and they go back to the dining room.
23. INT. DINING ROOM – DAY
Phil is lost in his own thoughts. Sarah tries to serve the food she cooked in a blacked-out kitchen with a tarp.
Daisy wants to see her food and Sarah decides to feed her in the kitchen leaving Mike alone with Phil. Daisy plays with her pet hamster in a blackened shoe box.
Mike tells Phil that he thinks maybe his walker scared away a detector. Phil nods but doesn’t engage. Mike leaves his food untouched and walks away… wandering outside.
24. INT. PAINT SHOP – DAY
Daisy under a black tarp checks the colours of the paint as Mike opens them. Mike and Daisy drag buckets of black paint and brushes with them.
25. EXT. DARK ROOM – DAY
Mike hands Daisy a brush and they start painting on the glass walls of the storefront with black industrial paint. They painstakingly cover every corner and check. Daisy goes under a tarp to check their progress.
Mike etches brail letters to identify the dark room. They are finally done. Now they need to test if this works.
26. INT. DARK ROOM – DAY
Daisy opens her black shoe box. Inside her pet hamster is blindfolded. Daisy cuddles her pet and reassures her that she is going to sacrifice her life for her family. Mike puts on his blind glasses to see… The hamster goes into a blind spot and comes out! It is alive and well.
HORROR SITUATION: Doing something forbidden – Daisy and Mike test their darkroom with the pet hamster becoming the scapegoat.
APPREHENSION: The pet hamster tries to cuddle back into Daisy’s arms.
FEAR: Mike places the black shoe box in the middle of the darkroom and removes the lid. He hesitates to remove the blindfold on the hamster. Daisy tells him to do it. He yanks it! Daisy pulls on her blanket…
SURPRISE: They wait in silence. Mike puts on his blind glasses to see… The hamster goes inside a hole in the wall and comes out unscathed!
SHOCK: Daisy yanks her blindfold and hugs Mike and the hamster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Darkened room can keep the Detector away.
27. EXT/INT. DARKROOM – DAY
Daisy drags her father and Mike gets his mother. He confirms the etching outside the dark room. Tells them to get inside.
Daisy tells them it is alright. They walk in and close the darkroom doors. Mike cracks neon sticks that light up the darkroom. They open their blindfolds and see each other. Listen for the detectors but none arrive. They all hug each other seeing everyone properly for the first time without a tarp to hide under.
Mike drags Daisy and she boxes her pet up and they put on their blindfold and walk outside to give Sarah and Phil their privacy.
Sarah breaks down and grieves for her son after 100 days. Phil cries for his boy. Sarah gathers herself and tells Phil that he still has another boy and to make up with Mike who is also a tinkerer like him.
Daisy outside tells Mike that she knows he feels guilty for losing Jason but it’s not his fault and she thinks even daddy knows that but he’s just bitter that’s all. He still loves you. Mike is not sure his dad ever did.
Sarah and Phil build a small shrine for their boy Jason. Sarah preserves his baseball bat and balls next to his pinup photos and lights a candle.
28. INT. WORKSTATION – NIGHT
Phil is busy trying to solder the joints but with his blindfold, he repeatedly burns his fingers. But he needs the cables, so he decides to take off his blindfold to see the joint. He reaches for his dark glasses hoping they will suffice. He wears them and tries to solder…. The heating tip suddenly starts to cool down as a chill settles in. Phil closes his eyes and burns his hand on the hot iron. He hears the ragged breath of a detector, and an enormous eye scans his face from a reflection in the glass. He rings the emergency bell under his desk.
HORROR SITUATION: Face to Face with the Monster / Debilitated – Phil’s eyes get scanned by the Detector
APPREHENSION: Phil takes off his blindfold to see the joint for soldering and wears the dark glasses
FEAR: Phil closes his eyes and burns his hand with the soldering iron. The heating tip goes cold!
SUSPENSE: He hears the ragged breath of the Detector
DREAD: An enormous eye scans his face and reflection in the glasses.
29. INT. DARKROOM – NIGHT
Mike shuts the audiobook he is listening to and hears the bell again. He grabs his walker and rushes to his dad’s workstation.
30. EXT/INT. WORKSTATION – NIGHT
Mike can feel the detector’s chill inside. He calls out to his dad. Phil is trapped in a corner. He turns his face… blood streaming down his eyes… He can’t see he is blind. The detector mimics the voice of Phil’s dead son which only he can hear… they are from his memories…
Mike finally hits the detector in his enormous eyes, and it lashes out with its claws trying to swipe at him. Its eyes start to melt, and it glides away. The room is not cold anymore. Mike rushes to his dad as he collapses.
Phil tells him that he loves him, and it was not him he was upset about at all. They make it back.
HORROR SITUATION: Debilitated – Phil goes blind
SCARES: Mike enters the basement parking and feels the chill. Calls out to his dad but no response… dad with his face against the wall in a corner is talking to himself. He laughs… and turns his face… blood streaming down his eye sockets. The enormous eye of the Detector blinks and mimics Jason’s voice which only Phil can hear and responds to…
MONSTER REVEAL: The Detector can make you blind if it sees your eyes in a reflected glass.
MONSTER REVEAL: The detector is very intelligent. It can mimic voices of people taken from one’s memories to lure you. Nobody else can hear them except the person whose memories have been taken.
RELEASES: Mike points his walker, uses his infrared sensor to aim at the Detector, and breaks the spell… Phil collapses… Mike rushes to him and holds him. Phil calls out for his dead son… Mike tells him it’s him. Phil recognises Mike‘s voice and hugs him.
CREEPY MOMENTS: Mike turns to wipe his dad’s face and steps on something soft… a pulsing slimy eye! He feels Phil’s eyes – shocked to feel them missing! Phil says he’s blind now like him. Mike reassures him. He picks up the soft eyes and pops them into a plastic bag. Wraps a blindfold on Phil’s eyes and helps carry him home.
ACT 3 – ALL IS LOST
31. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Sarah washes Phil’s eyes in the bathtub and realizes that he’s gone blind. The detectors took his memories, and they used them to lure him. She is glad to have him alive.
32. INT. HOME DÉCOR – DAY
Daisy sits in Phil’s lap and keeps dabbing his eyes flowing with tears.
33. INT. DARKROOM – DAY
Mike puts up a large murder board with everything he discovered and transfers his dad’s notice board entries onto it.
Adds new entry – mimicking the voices from one’s memories. Besides the board is the shrine to Jason.
34. INT. BASEMENT PARKING – DAY
Mike is learning to drive blindfolded with Phil. Daisy sits in the back feeling scared but insists on staying in the car with them.
Mike drives well and almost completes the course set by Phil until he forgets to park and leaves it in drive mode. They get down but the car starts to move, and Phil has to jump in to stop it. Phil pats Mike and Daisy mocks him for leaving it in Drive but she’s impressed with his driving.
35. INT/EXT. DARKROOM – DAY
Daisy plays hide and seek with Mike while Sarah is cooking in her new kitchen when daisy peeks out of her blindfold and attracts two Detectors. Sarah sacrifices herself to save her daughter.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>HORROR SITUATION: Face to Face with the monster/ No Escape / Dilemma / See another killed – Sarah sacrifices herself to save her daughter Daisy.
HORROR EMOTIONS (scene arc): From Anxiety to Hysteria
RELEASE: Daisy plays hide and seek with Mike: Sarah hears their laughter as she cooks in her new kitchen inside the Darkroom. She is relaxed and humming. She shouts to Mike to check on his dad in the basement. Daisy says five more minutes of play.
APPREHENSION: Daisy in her blindfold searches for Mike. She peeks out of her blindfold and realizes she is not in the darkroom anymore… A cold chill runs through her body. She hears the clicking sounds of the detectors and screams… Sarah feels the kitchen go cold and the stove light goes dim.
SURPRISE: Mike runs out with his walking stick and starts to point the infrared sensor at the detector to drive it away… but there is more than one of them.
SHOCK: He stumbles towards Daisy and drops his walker. He frantically looks for it and accidentally kicks it off the ledge trying to retrieve it. He bumps into a fallen chandelier and hides behind it.
FEAR: Daisy is terrified and alone and hearing Mike’s voice jumps towards him and gets to safety. The reflected light from the chandelier confuses one of the detectors and it swipes its claws to destroy it getting closer to them.
SUSPENSE: The other detector comes around from behind and finds Daisy and is about to scan her eyes.
DREAD: Sarah charges towards the detector and shines an LED torch and swings Jason’s baseball bat to attract the detector toward her. She karate chops one detector and lands a kick into her eye.
ANGUISH: Sarah hears Daisy scream and removes her blindfold telling her daughter to keep her eyes shut. She throws her blindfold towards her.
PANIC: The other detector tries to claw Sarah and cuts her hand. She swings the baseball bat with her injured hand. Mike finds a ball near his feet and throws it to her to hit. The detector slices off Sarah’s hand. Her hand holding the baseball drops onto the floor but the ball flies and hit the enormous eye.
RELEASE: The detector is disoriented and shut off her inner transparent eyelid.
SURPRISE: Sarah uses her other hand to unsling her shotgun and presses the trigger to aim at the eye with one hand, but the eyelid is bulletproof.
RELEASE: Sarah grabs a steel rod and jams it into the protruding belly after Mike’s sensor weakens it.
TERROR: Fiberoptic-like cables burst forth from the protruding belly and grab Sarah. The enormous eye scans her eyes and pulls Sarah into her belly.
HYSTERIA: Sarah hears her son’s voice mimicked by the Detector and speaks to her imaginary son and gets sucked in. Daisy watches in shock and screams. Mike quietens her.
ACT 4 – FULL OUT HORROR
36. EXT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Daisy through her blindfold sees the slashed clothes of her mother and goes into shock. Mike grabs her and as his watch detects his walker and beeps incessantly, he jumps and lands on a showroom car on the display floor below and rolls to break his fall and protect Daisy in his arms. Mike picks up his stick and realizes he’s next to the car. He throws Daisy into the car and slides in. He looks for the keys already in the ignition and races down the ramp to his dad in the basement parking while Daisy uses his walking stick to detect any objects in the way. Mike crashes through without stopping, bangs into a pillar in the basement, and comes to a halt.
37. EXT. WORKSTATION – DAY
Phil rushes out with two shotguns and is still getting used to being completely blind and walks too fast and trips into things…
Mike catches his dad from getting hurt. Phil hands over one of the shotguns. Daisy grabs onto Dad and tells him Mom is dead. Phil lets out a wail and fires off a few rounds… Mike takes his shotgun and opens the garage door to his dad’s truck.
38. INT. TRUCK – DAY
Mike gets into his driver’s seat. Phil and Daisy take the back seat. Mike drives out of the garage and goes up the ramp again to get to the darkroom. He almost crashes into it.
39. INT. DARKROOM – DAY
They rush inside the dark room and take off their blindfolds. Daisy checks her black shoe box for her pet hamster. There is a small crack in the glass and light comes through. The hamster runs from Daisy’s hands towards the light. A detector zaps it!
Daisy feels the chill and they are all terrified. She quickly puts on her blindfold. They fight the detector. More detectors arrive with their tentacles visible through the shattered glass front. They are now fully exposed to light. But unafraid… Thunder sounds!
HORROR SITUATION: Trapped/ Impending doom / Mental and physical torture – The Detector traps them inside the Darkroom and unleashes its full horror
ANGUISH: Daisy still in shock from seeing her mother die is relieved that her pet hamster is alive only to realize in horror that the darkroom has a crack and sees her pet hamster scramble towards the light beam and gets zapped by a blade splattering blood all over the floor.
PANIC: Daisy screams in panic as she is the only one who can see and quickly tries to shut her eyes. Her blind father and brother guard her and the enormous eye is inside the darkroom.
HORROR: Phil loads his shotgun and empties it out on the Detector, but his bullets don’t hit the target and its claws cut him up with their sharp blades. Meanwhile, it’s enough to distract the Detector until Mike can get to his enormous magnifying glass to focus his laser beam. He hits the inner eyelid before it closes and shatters it. The detector shoots out tentacles and grabs Daisy. Phil empties his gun but the tentacles grab him too.
HYSTERIA: Phil screams into it and jabs his bayonet into the enormous eye repeatedly until the eye bursts and the laser beam amputates the Detector’s tentacles and it releases Daisy. Daisy runs to help Mike and this time when it returns to life once more and while the laser beam hits Bullseye and electrocutes the Detector, Phil blows it to bits with a grenade.
40. INT. TRUCK – DAY
Lighting strikes and Mike drives through it on the highway. Daisy sees a glow of light in the middle of the fields up ahead. Detectors spawn at the server farm on the outskirts of town feeding on enormous data!
HORROR SITUATION: Transformed into something else (possessed) – Detectors spawn at the server farms.
SHOCK: There are many more that need to be fought and killed!
RELEASE: But for now, the lightning helps the survivors get help and regroup!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Sunil Pappu.
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Hello Sunil,
I’ve fallen behind in the classes, but I wanted to see if maybe you would like to exchange scripts in the future? I had been following your idea, and I really love it! I’m not sure how to reach people after the class is over, but if you are interested in keeping in touch, my email is susanjsilver@yahoo.com. I hope to hear from you!
Best,
Susan
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Hi Susan,
Sure, thanks for your message. Yes, I would be happy to exchange when you are ready with yours. Do send me your outline at sunilrpappu@gmail.com
Looking forward to the exchange.
Cheers
Sunil
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Tony J Scott, do you have a partner to exchange feedback with,if not I would like
to team up with you, do let me know.
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Huey J
Yes let’s team up
Thx
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Tony J, your story about Vampires is very detail and interesting, I enjoyed reading it, thanks, I’ll be giving my next outline rewrite I be more detailed. Thanks
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HI
Ok, good you got my messages
I’ll start reading yours now.
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Wow, you have been very helpful, after reading your story which is very detailed I know I have some rewiting to do. Your suggestion are noteworthy, you sound like a Producer. I’ll rewrite the outline and get back to you, if it’s OK.
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LESSON 15 OUTLINE VERSION 1
by D. A. Stenard
What I learned in doing this assignment is: I have such a long way to go to fully flesh out this script, but I can’t believe how easy it was to construct the outline, given all the lessons we had in this class. I truly believe I will be able to write a coherent script from this outline
SPITE FENCE
OPENING SCENE-
1. EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY
Winding road in a heavy forested area. Giant SIGN announcing new resort development .
2. EXT. RESORT – DAY
Top of mountain. A giant fence blocks top of the hill.
3. EXT. FRONT -GATE – DAY. A TECH WORKER on ladder.
Working on gate mechanics.
4. EXT. BASE OF LADDER – FRONT GATE – DAY
A weird-looking guy in stumble-walks up to the gate.
5. EXT. TOP OF GATE – DAY
The gate starts to close, almost knocking over the ladder.
SURPRISE: The tech looks down and sees the odd guy.
RELEASE: The tech talks with the weird guy.
ANXIETY: Tech gets call -about wild fire moving closer.
SHOCK: Weird Guy uses knife to slash tires on truck.
PANIC: Tech runs away into the woods in fear.
6. EXT. WOODS – DAY
Tech running blindly through the woods.
SUSPERSE: Stops to catch his breath. Hears something crashes through the woods.
RELEASE: turns out to be a deer. He relaxes.
HORROR: turns around and is face to face with the weirdo. Weirdo knocks him down and hogties him
ANGUISH: Weirdo declaims that he will all who built the fence, cutting off access to the sacred mountain
HYSTERIA: Tech bleeding, begging for his life. Weirdo drags him to edge of a pit and throws him in. A scream that stops.
7. INT. SUV – DAY
Billionaire Developer of the resort (VAUGHN) and his toady Second-In-Command (LOUIS) have brought two young girls (EVABETH and AMBER) to visit the resort .
8. EXT. ROAD – DAY
The SUV roars along the mountain top to the entrance. Get out of SUV to explore woods
9. EXT. WOODS – DAY
Evabeth talks about how she grew up in the area.
SHOCK: They notice bodies of animals strung up in trees.
ANXIETY: The girls want to turn around. Louis says they have been getting threatening letters from a Forest Rights group promised to disrupt the opening of the resort.
DIGUST: At the gate, a large deer, hung between two trees .
PANIC: Vaughn orders Louis to remove the deer. As he cuts the ropes, the deer explode maggots all over Louis.
10. INT. MAIN LOBBY – DAYE
Guests are met by Concierge (GLORIA) and security guard (DIESEL). Gloria warns them about the odd local weirdo.
11. Vaughn and Louis explore the property. Evabeth warns everyone the area is full of collapsed sinkholes.
SURPRISE: As Louis rushes ahead, he suddenly disappears.
ANXIETY: Others run to where they saw Louis disappear. Amber peers into the hole to see Louis hanging onto tree roots to avoid falling to the bottom.
SHOCK: In the bottom of the hole, there is a maze of sharpened sticks with a body impaled on them.
RELEASE: Amber helps Louis out of the hole.
12. INT. MAIN LOBBY – DAY
Girls insist on leaving; Vaughn orders Diesel to drive them
13. EXT. MAIN GATE – DAY
They are surprised to find the front gate now closed. Diesel climbs the gate to try and get it working.
HORROR SITUATION
DREAD: Amber is convinced that they won’t get the gate open.
SHOCK: Diesel reaches the top of the gate. An
arrow pierces his thigh.
PANIC: He falls onto the spikes at the top of the fence.
ANGUISH: The women leave Diestel hanging. They reverse the SUV and race back to the resort.
14. EXT. FRONT LOBBY DOORS – DAY
The men barricade the doors so the girls can’t get in. Gloria uses a different exit to get the girls and drag them to safety.
15. EXT. MAIN GATE – DAY
The weirdo (ABADDON) heaves himself over the fence.
16. INT. RESORT RRECEPTION – DAY
An arrow slams into the locked doors.
17. INT. RESORT- SAFE ROOM – AFTERNOON
Gloria brings the two girls to the Boss’s safe room.
18. EXT. RESORT – AFTERNOON
Vaughn and Louis discover the cell tower has been destroyed. They find human body parts in the woods.
19. INT. RESORT – AFTERNOON
Abaddon wanders through the resort.
SHOCK: Gloria and the girls watch Abaddon on closed circuit TV.
DREAD: Gloria reasons that he must have contracted rabies .
FEAR: Abaddon makes his way to where they are hiding.
PANIC: Evabeth forces her way out of the safe room and Gloria and Amber must follow.
20. EXT. RESORT – AFTERNOON
Vaughn and Louis find the kitchen and look for weapons.
21. INT. RESORT – AFTERNOON
The women play a game of hide-and-seek with Abaddon.
SUSPENSE: The women try to stay one step ahead of Abaddon.
FEAR: Evabeth is behind a door and Abaddon is on the other side. A noise distracts him and Evabeth is able to escape.
SURPRISE/SCARE: Gloria is searching when something grabs her. It is only Amber, but then they hear Evabeth scream.
HYSTERIA: Evabeth is struggling with Vaughn and Louis.
Gloria wants to go to the safe room but the men want to fight.
22. INT. KITCHEN – AFTERNOON
Vaughn and Louis search through the kitchen for weapons.
ANXIETY: The men are trying to find the knife drawer
FEAR: Gloria can see Abaddon on the cameras .
ANXIETY: Louis picks up a giant carving knife to show Vaughn,
who is frozen in horror on the other side of the room.
TERROR: Abaddon is standing behind him. They struggle
HYSTERIA- Abaddon plunges Louis’ face into the boiling oil in the fry-0-later. Vaughn abandons Louis to his fate.
23. INT. HOTEL LOBBY – EVENING
Vaughn grabs up the house phone and pages the whole resort.
24. INT. SAFE ROOM – EVENING
Gloria tells he two girls to stay put, she’s going to go get Vaughn.
25. INT. LOBBY – EVENING
Gloria finds Vaughn behind the front desk. Drags him upstairs.
26. INT. SAFE ROOM – EVENING
Everyone is in the safe room. They can’t see Abaddon on the cameras anymore Suddenly, all the lights and power goes off.
27. INT. POWER PLANT- EVENING
Abaddon is smashing all the electrical equipment to bits.
DREAD-the group realizes they have to leave and try to escape
SUSPENSE- they grab weapons and leave the safe room.
FEAR- They are making their way through the atrium.
HYSTERIA- a hand touches Evabeth and she turns to see the horribly burned face of Louis. She kills him out of fear.
RELEASE- Evabeth is relieved it wasn’t Abaddon, Suddenly, Abaddon grabs her from behind and tears out her throat.
28. EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Gloria wants to burn the SUV as a beacon. They pile anything burnable around the car and set it on fire.
29. INT. HELICOPTER – NIGHT
A firefighter and a cop in a helicopter see the flames.
30. EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Vaughn takes off his shirt and waves at the pilot. Abaddon grabs Vaughn and thrown him on the fire.
31. EXT. RESORT – NIGHT
Gloria grabs an emergency fire hose and sprays Abaddon. His hydrophobia causes his throat to spasm and he chokes to death
32. EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Amber drags his body to the fire and rolls it into the flames.
33. INT. HELICOPTER – NIGHT
The cop misunderstands what Amber is doing with the body. He shoots Amber. She also falls onto the bonfire.
RESOLUTION – DAWN
The fire is out and smoking. Ambulances are loading up the bodies. Gloria is dazed, drained , emotionless. She looks at the woods all around the resort. A rustling in the bushes near her. She turns to see a dog with wild eyes and a slavering mouth rushing towards her as she screams.
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Thx for partnering, partner. I’m looking forward to reading your outline version 1
BK
PS. Did you want me to read your outline from Lesson 14 – or your outline from lesson 15?
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Brian King.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Ah, thx, now I see your outline from Lesson 15 – my apologies for my confusion.
BK
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DS,
I attached some notes to the outline … if you like me to email them… I’d be happy to do that… let me know… brian.king099@gmail.com
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Budinscak Outline Version 1
Time To Exchange Feedback
Day 16
Title: THE TRANSFORMATION OF FOREST RANGER VICKI
Logline: A rookie forest ranger stumbles upon a covert government operation to conceal a UFO.
OUTLINE:
ACT 1
Note: Opening Scene
1. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
A bruised young woman (Vicki) staggers down a dark tunnel. She eventually passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Horror Situation: The young woman is running from an unknown pursuer.
APPREHENSION: She is running from something and she is scared.
SHOCK: She hears the whirring sound of blades. A light illuminates her path. She picks up her pace.
FEAR: She’s running faster than she should to safely navigate in the dark.
DREAD: She drops at the feet of something robotic.
SUPER: “6 Hours Earlier”
2. EXT – LARGE FIELD – DAY
A Forest Ranger, VICKI, goes about her job. She’s unsure, a bit clumsy and looks completely out of place. She follows an eagle in obvious distress and happens upon poachers. They shoot at Vicki before fleeing. She ‘bags’ an article of clothing left behind.
3. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki answers a call for help from a local farmer who’s had a few cows slaughtered.
4. EXT – FARM – DAY
Vicki listens to the farmer’s version of events. A farmhand removes a tarp covering what used to be a cow. Vicki’s stunned. Curtis blames a nearby closed government facility as the source of the problem. A 3-truck military convoy heads to the facility.
Horror Situation: What killed the cows?
ANXIETY: Ian prepares to pull back the tarp, Vicki and Curtis lean forward.
RELEASE: The trucks in the military convoy honk their horns surprising Vicki, the farmer and his helper.
SURPRISE: There’s barely anything left of the cows. Vile remains.
RELEASE: Vicki barely contains herself to keep from vomiting.
SUSPENSE: The farmer describes strange happenings the past few days.
5. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis (farmer) and Ian (farmhand – new hire) stop their conversation to watch a helicopter buzz overhead in the direction of the closed government facility – Candy Cane Mountain.
6. INT – HELICOPTER – DAY
The COMMANDER, the bad guy, converses with his 4 man handpicked team. They turn silent watching either a UFO or special drone mirror their flight path before flying straight up and out of sight.
NOTE: Inciting Incident.
Horror Situation: What was that flying next to us?
SURPRISE: The helicopter pilot is surprised, the Commander and his men are not.
FEAR: The copter pilot worries about UFOs.
RELEASE: The Commander convinces the pilot he needs to be worried about his passengers inside the helicopter than what’s going on outside.
7. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis and Ian just look at one another. They’re not sure what they saw, but the believe it was a UFO. After Vicki leaves the farm, Curtis and Ian take off after the military convoy.
8. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki tries to call the ranger station, but has cell phone issues. She senses something following her, but can’t identify it.
9. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The drone buzzes a herd of deer spooking them – they rush into the road. The jeep swerves to miss the deer, but crashes in a ditch. Vicki is uninjured, but the jeep isn’t going anywhere. Vicki watches the drone fly to the government facility – she follows on foot.
10. EXT – MOUNTAIN CARGO AREA – DAY
SOLDIERS offload equipment for their mission. Everyone heads inside except for the two soldiers who ready for departure.
11. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The farmer’s truck pulls off the road near the cargo area and hides behind bushes.
12. INT – CURTIS TRUCK – DAY
Curtis leaves a message for Vicki that he and Ian followed the convoy and they’re heading inside. Curtis and Ian will split up. Ian circles around to the back, Curtis will go in the front. Curtis hides in bushes to evaluate his options.
13. EXT – ROAD – DAY
Vicki’s cell finally has service. She plays Curtis’ message and vocalizes her disapproval. She picks up her pace. She’s close to the closed facility known as Candy Cane Mountain.
14. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
The two soldiers left behind are spooked when they spot a translucent figure evolve into a menacing shape full of fangs and claws. The men are ripped apart.
Curtis turns to escape, but is overcome by a mist. Curtis shift shapes into a larger, muscular, hairier version of his former self. He decides to head inside to hunt.
Horror Situation: See what the monster looks like.
APPREHENSION: The monster isn’t a definitive form, but is able to shift shape itself.
SURPRISE: The monster made itself into a gas to infiltrate/inhabit Curtis.
SUSPENSE: Alien occupied Curtis stalks the occupants inside.
15. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The Commander meets with the onsite personnel about ‘mission weather balloon.’ SOM (Site Ops Manager) confides to him of an alien presence. He brings the Commander to a makeshift prison.
16. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – DAY
The SOM has prisoners – animal and human – sequestered in glass ‘prisons’. He shares his thoughts with the Commander, and shows a picture of a man dismembered by ‘something’ in here. Their conversation ends when sensors (infrared, motion detection, video) alert them to a visitor.
17. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
AOC (Alien Occupied Curtis) fools all detection equipment except one camera. A mist occupies Curtis’ clothes as it hovers down the tunnel. The SOM sends a robotic animal to intercept the being. They watch on video screens.
18. INT – TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS
The robot approaches Curtis coming to a complete stop as the Curtis-thing dissipates.
19. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
Vicki draws her gun and stealthily enters the mountain through the cargo area.
20. INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
Plot Point 1.
ACT 2
21. INT – MEDIA ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Vicki’s image shows up on multiple sensors. The Commander unveils newly minted special weapons arming Bravo and Delta. They’re sent to find out what’s happening.
21. INT – TUNNEL – DAY
Bravo is savagely killed by the inhabited Curtis. Delta gets off a shot slaying the farmer, but when Curtis drops, the mist invades Delta. It’s a horrible death.
Horror Situation: The monster slays two soldiers.
APPREHENSION: The soldiers know something is out there, but feel confident their special weapons will work.
SHOCK: Bravo and Delta exhaust their new weapons – the weapons are useless.
FEAR: The monster adapts – the special shells pass through the mist.
DREAD: The mist has a physical impact easily dismembering Bravo.
PANIC: The monster/mist invades Delta through his nose, mouth and ears. It searches for what scares Delta most – spiders
TERROR: The mist replicates a large spider, capturing Delta in its web, totally encasing him. Monster uses psychological as well as physical torture.
22. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The power shuts off. Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction, motion detectors stop. No cell service, internet is down. The lights go out. The Commander sends Echo to search for the intruder (Vicki). He’s accompanied by FIDO, another robotic animal.
23. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki is tracked by Echo and the robotic animal. As they close in, Vicki hides behind an outcropping. Just before Echo shows up, a hand covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her through a crack to safety.
Horror Situation: As Vicki hides from Echo/robotic animal, a hand covers her mouth and drags her way.
ANXIETY: The unnatural sound of metal clinking along on rock, and it grows louder.
FEAR: The pace of metal on rock picks up, it’s moving faster.
SUSPENSE: Vicki recedes further behind the outcropping for safety.
PANIC: A hand comes from behind, covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her away.
RELEASE: The hand belongs to Ian, he saves her.
24. INT – CREVICE – CONTINUOUS
Vicki cannot believe Ian rescued her. He updates her on Curtis – his death – and how he saw the monster – it’s real big. They bond over similar likes and interests – animals.
25. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki gets separated from Ian. She’s pursued by a drone. Vicki rushes down the tunnel, falls and passes out at the foot of the robotic animal.
NOTE: Opening scene
26. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki is dragged to the prison and tossed into a cell by herself. She notes the other cells contain people as well as animals – and meets all the prisoners. She is tortured by SOM (Site Operations Manager) for her efforts.
27. INT – MAKESHIFT CELL – NIGHT
Ian helps Vicki escape from her cell. Vicki releases all the prisoners – human and animal – and they all flee down various tunnels.
28. INT – PRISION OFFICE – NIGHT
The SOM releases his high-tech toys to hunt down the escaped prisoners. The SOM is willing to kill everything and anything until the alien is exposed. The SOM begins his killing spree.
29. INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
Social Media Influencers, Biff and Babs, can’t resist taking selfies and trying to live stream their escape. They don’t escape, but do live stream their demise.
Horror situation: The couple evade a drone to be slain by the monster.
SURPRISE: As Babs checks for cell service, they hear a noticeable whirring sound behind them – it’s a drone.
FEAR: The drone will detect them.
SUSPENSE: A whooshing sound approaches, engulfs then leaves. The drone follows it. Biff and Babs emerge from their hiding place and get ready to take a selfie.
RELEASE: The whooshing sound approaches and is on them in a flash.
SCARE: The whooshing sound is caused by bats.
RELEASE: They’re safe.
PANIC: After calming down, Babs finds she’s able to live stream from her phone. She and Biff get ready to take their selfie – in the background, the monster smiles for the camera.
Act 3
30. INT – TUNNELS – NIGHT
The prisoners race to freedom trying to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robotic animals. Vicki is recaptured and dragged back to the makeshift prison.
31. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander and his men prepare the ‘weather balloon’ for transport. The monster lurks – it kills soldiers only, no prisoners or animals are harmed.
32. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The SOM is full tilt crazy as he draws his gun and prepares to shoot animals/people in hopes of eliminating the monster. Ian is handcuffed to a chair. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small, injured cat. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Vicki is shot dead.
SURPRISE: Vicki instinctively scoops up the injured cat protecting it.
SHOCK: Ian pleads with the SOM to not shoot Vicki
FEAR: Ian believes Vicki will be shot. He cannot free himself.
DREAD: The SOM fires and hits Vicki. She dies.
SURPRISE: Ian reveals himself to be an alien – he frees himself easily from the handcuffs.
33. INT – PRISON – CONTINUOUS
Ian becomes a mist infiltrating Vicki’s body – he shares himself with her. The result – Vicki is revived, but with a twist – she can separate her animal spirit from her body/flesh. She appears different – stronger, sleeker, confident – a predator, no longer prey. Her animal spirit seeks revenge.
Horror Situation: Vicki is revived and she retains what the alien intentionally left behind.
SHOCK: Vicki comes back alive
FEAR: There is an evident link to the alien monster when Vicki controls her spirit.
DREAD: The Drone Pilot and SOM seek safety from Vicki’s spirit in a duct-taped office.
TERROR: Vicki transports her spirit inside the office. The Drone Pilot and SOM die horrible deaths.
34. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander readies to leave with the ‘weather balloon’ in tow. He’s confronted by Ian and Vicki. Ian convinces Vicki to let the Commander live – he’s food for the trip back home. In a FLASH, everything disappears – weather balloon, aliens, etc – as if they never existed.
35. INT – SPACESHIP – NIGHT
Ian and the other aliens prepare their meal, the Commander.
36. EXT – CARGO AREA – NIGHT
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, demeanor, everything including her attitude.
37. INT – JEEP – NIGHT
Vicki finds her backpack and removes the zip-lock baggy containing a poacher’s garment. She breathes in deeply and releases her animal spirit for vengeance.
38. EXT – CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Vicki’s spirit comes across two poachers. She frees all captured animals and tortures the poachers. They’ll never do it again.
39. INT – BAR – NIGHT
Vicki’s interviewed about what happened the night she was abducted. She shows the interviewer just enough that they’re worried. Vicki’s eyes glow in the dark – and then she’s gone.
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Hi John
Would you want to exchange feedback
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Thanks for sharing, John. I really enjoyed reading your outline THE TRANSFORMATION OF FOREST RANGER VICKI. It’s filled with interesting characters, unique ideas and plenty of action. Nobody has done a horror story like this, so it’s going to stand out.
I like Vicki a lot. She starts out as unsure and a bit clumsy but very capable, surviving an attack by poachers and then collecting evidence. In the end, it’s her dedication to her job (her care for animals) that leads her to become a transcendent figure. She has a really dramatic arc. And her assault on the poachers at the end lets the story come full circle.
I didn’t get as good a handle on other characters and this is most likely the result of the limitations of the outline format. Curtis seems like a solid guy, but he’s transformed into a monster early in the story and I couldn’t get a sense of the weight/meaning of that transformation. Same with Ian (although he turns out to be an alien). As you develop the story, it might help to think about their personality traits or the kind of relationships with Vicki to give them dimension.
The movie starts with action, which is good, and then we jump back “6 hours earlier”. I’m wondering if this chase scene is the most compelling scene to highlight in the opening moment. It just ends with her collapsing. She gets shot dead later on, which is something that doesn’t happen in a lot of movies (except maybe Sunset Boulevard).
I wanted to know more about Vicki’s world in Act 1 before she gets embroiled the government base. Getting shot at by poachers seems like a pretty serious thing — does she request help or does she head back to the ranger station to file a report and check in the evidence? These procedural scenes might help to define her strengths and weaknesses as well as her relationship with other characters.
Also, it took me a while to get a handle on what the Monster is. The first part of the story involved a drone/UFO, a translucent figure, a vicious monster, a mist and another vicious monster, along with robotic animals. That’s a lot to consume. What if you trickled out these events into separate horror situations, and then zeroed in on who the Monster is and what are its strengths, weaknesses and motivations?
I’m not a pro screenwriter, so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems that the beginning of Act 2 is really when Curtis and Ian infiltrate Candy Cane Mountain because that’s the point of no return. And the inciting incident — the scene that turns the main character’s world upside down — would more likely be the cow autopsy scene. Just a thought.
Biff and Babs are interesting characters that provide a unique perspective and some humor, but it would have been nice to get to know them earlier so their demise has more meaning.
Finally, I may have missed it but the UFO is introduced in Scene 31 as it’s being readied for transport. Since this the core of the base’s mystery, there might be an opportunity to introduce it more dramatically — perhaps with some suspense, shock or creepy moments.
Even with all these notes and food for thought, I enjoyed your outline. It’s extremely imaginative and would make a thrilling movie. Vicki came to life for me, from her initial clumsy tracking of the wounded eagle to her glowing eyes in the final shot. Her arc is something audiences will remember.
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Chuck,
I appreciate the feedback and I agree with your input. This version jumps around with plenty of plot holes. I will use your comments to fill out the inconsistencies and tell a better story. Thanks, Chuck!
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Chuck Czech’s Outline Version 1
Title: The World Between
Logline: A rookie detective partners with a young psychic to stop an invisible demon that’s committed more than 100 years of murders.
PROLOGUE
1. EXT. MINNESOTA PRAIRIE/GERMAN SETTLEMENT/CHURCH – DAY
At an 1845 German Catholic settlement, a group of churchgoers conduct a prayer procession meant to expel evil from the land. A trio of bored teenage girls break off from the group.
2. EXT. MINNESOTA PRAIRIE/TALL GRASS MAZE – DAY
The girls are stalked and killed by a STRANGER amid a maze of tall prairie grass.
HORROR SITUATION: The girls’ mischief places them outside the safety of their village — they’re on their own.
APPREHENSION: One of the girls, GERTRUDE, is separated from the others and grows anxious looking for them.
SCARE: While searching, Gertrude steps on a snake, startling her.
RELEASE: Gertrude runs right into the arms of the others, who are experimenting with smoking.
CREEPY MOMENT: The wind dies and birds stop singing as the Stranger approaches.
TERROR: The Stranger strangles one of the girls, then stalks the other two among a maze of tall grass.
MONSTER REVEAL: At the moment he kills a victim, the Stranger reveals a demonic face.
ACT 1
3. EXT. RURAL HOME – DAY
The painfully shy BECCA WEAKS (10) is harshly treated by her mother when trying to protect her younger sister.
Later, an abusive COUSIN (13) tries to take advantage of Becca, but she uses the ability to disappear into an alternate dimension to hide from him — she can see him but he can’t see her.
4. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG – DAY
BECCA (19) is now an anthropology student and participates in an archeological dig of an old trading post led by professor GLENN GEISSLER. When her classmates pressure her to ask out a guy, she is compelled to hide in the alternate dimension. There, she discovers a child’s ID tag hidden underground.
5. EXT. KAY’S SUV — DAY
KAY LUND drives her two kids to school. It’s established that she’s divorced and trying to shield the kids from an abusive ex-husband. She’s also an investigator at the Sheriff’s Department and late for work.
6. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/FILE STORAGE ROOM — DAY
Fellow investigator CAM DRURY tells Kay she just missed Dr. Geissler who dropped off the ID. Kay’s been assigned to investigate cold cases and takes an interest in the ID. She suggests to Cam there’s a pattern to the history of missing persons in this part of the state but he doesn’t buy it.
7. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — DAY
Kay and Cam show up at the dig site looking for more information, but Becca avoids them.
Kay stays at the site to look for any other clues without success.
8. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM/CAMPUS GROUNDS/STUDENT UNION — DAY
Kay finds Becca on campus and drills her about how she discovered the ID tag. Becca reveals that she has the ability to disappear into an alternate dimension where hidden things are more easily found, but Kay is skeptical and demands a demonstration.
9. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — DAY
At the now-deserted dig site, Becca demonstrates her ability to disappear into the alternate dimension. While there, she discovers a child’s buried remains.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca explores unfamiliar areas in the alternate dimension and discovers a child’s remains.
APPREHENSION: This is the first time Becca has really explored the alternate dimension; she typically uses it to hide.
CREEPY MOMENT: Becca follows a trail of footprints which are hidden in the real world.
SHOCK: Becca finds the body of a girl who went missing 30 years ago; in the alternate dimension the corpse still looks intact.
ANGUISH: Kay hears Becca screaming but can’t easily find her.
SHOCK: Becca specifies a place for Kay to dig and she unearths the girl’s skeleton.
10. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — LATER
As law enforcement and news media pore over the location, Kay lies to her supervisor, LIEUTENANT SORENSON, about how they discovered the body; she also tells him that Becca was present because she was interested in an internship.
11. INT. KAY’S SUV — MOVING — DAY
As Kay drives Becca home, she invites the student to help with cold cases, but Becca turns her down. During the drive, Kay notices Becca dropping her pocketbook but doesn’t tell her.
12. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — DAY
At an incident debriefing, the identity of the skeleton is identified — Anita Harms, who went missing 30 years ago. Her pediatrician was accused of murdering her but was never convicted.
13. INT. MENTAL INSTITUTION — DAY
Kay and Cam interview former pediatrician DR MARVIN LEMECH, who lives in a Catholic mental institution. Though he had been accused of several crimes 30 years ago, he says he’s not responsible. He cautions Kay to be careful when looking for the three missing girls — the cases have cursed him and she might be dragged into something she can’t handle.
14. INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM — DAY
Dr Geissler tells Kay that Becca’s abilities are in line with what many cultures believe — that our reality is adjoined to a spirit world. He signs the internship papers but warns Kay to be careful.
15. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/FILE STORAGE ROOM — DAY
Becca visits Kay at the Sheriff’s department to retrieve her pocketbook. Kay shows her the map of missing persons and describes the unusual history of these crimes — three missing persons every 30 years. Because the victims are the young and innocent, Becca takes an interest and signs the internship papers.
ACT 2
16. INT. FACTORY— DAY
While operating machinery, a MACHINIST exhibits paranoid behavior towards his co-workers.
17. INT. MACHINIST’S HOME — NIGHT
During a rough night of drug experimentation, the Machinist becomes possessed by a DEMON.
HORROR SITUATION: The Machinist can’t tell the difference between drug hallucinations and actual spiritual activity.
FEAR: At first the Machinist is amused by the drug’s psychedelic effects, but grows fearful when he witnesses demonic activity — strange voices, moving objects, violent porn playing over and over.
SHOCK: The Machinist comes face to face with the Demon.
DREAD: The Machinist is helpless as the Demon descends on him and possesses him.
MONSTER REVEAL: We briefly see the Demon’s actual spiritual form and what a possession really looks like.
18. EXT. CRIME SCENE #1 — DAY
Kay and Becca investigate a 30-year-old crime scene but can’t find any clues on the missing girls. Becca reveals that sinful activity leaves scars on the landscape of the alternate dimension, so hidden details of these crimes can more easily be detected there.
19. EXT. CRIME SCENE #2 — DAY
Kay develops a way to communicate with Becca while she’s in the alternate dimension using high frequency transceivers. Becca discovers a set of misshapen footprints but doesn’t say anything to Kay.
20. INT. FACTORY – DAY
The Machinist’s behavior is more extreme and insubordinate. He gets revenge on a co-worker who’s been harassing him.
21. INT. KAY’S DUPLEX – EVENING
Becca joins Kay for a home-cooked dinner with her two kids TY and TRUDIE and her duplex neighbor CHERYL. Kay and Becca share their common experiences surviving abuse — Kay fights and Becca hides. Becca also reveals that her sister died at a young age due to neglect.
Kay’s abusive ex-husband MITCH shows up, so Ty and Trudie take Becca to their bedroom. Becca listens through the paper-thin walls how Kay is able to stand up to Mitch.
22. EXT. QUARRY – NIGHT
The Machinist watches a group of young people cliff diving in a quarry and kidnaps one of them.
HORROR SITUATION: The young people are unaware that they’re being stalked and that one of them is being targeted.
ANXIETY: The young people dare each other to take dangerous dives into the water.
SUSPENSE: After one of them delays his return to the surface, the young woman, LEYA, wonders what exists below the surface.
RELEASE: Leya takes the plunge and is relieved and proud that it goes well.
SURPRISE: On her hike back to the summit, Leya is captured by the Machinist.
23. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — DAY
When Sorenson announces Leya’s disappearance, Kay expresses her concern that the 30-year cycle is beginning again. Sorenson rejects the idea — he assigns the case to Cam and orders Kay to stick with her current caseload.
24. INT. FILE STORAGE ROOM – DAY
Kay adds a new pin into her map and realizes it matches the location of a kidnapping years ago. Based on that, she calculates the next location to investigate, which happens to be in a different county.
25. INT. ROADHOUSE — NIGHT
When they explore a busy roadhouse, Becca encounters the Demon in possession of the Machinist, who is in the process of selecting the next victim.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca’s exploration of the alternate dimension reveals it to be far more complex and dangerous than she’s previously experienced.
CREEPY MOMENT: When in the alternate dimension, Becca sees many scars on the landscape, the result of bad behavior, and she perceives ghostly spiritual beings feeding off the roadhouse patrons.
MONSTER REVEAL: Becca sees the Demon in possession of the Machinist; it ignores her, apparently not recognizing her as a threat.
SUSPENSE: Becca watches the Demon browse the crowd of potential victims — who will it select?
PANIC: When the Demon targets an innocent young woman, EVE, Becca decides to intervene by shoving the Demon.
MONSTER REVEAL: Contact between a human and a demon in the spirit world causes great pain to both.
TERROR: The Demon detaches from the Machinist and chases Becca. Kay tries to question the Machinist, but is attacked by him.
MONSTER REVEAL: The Demon can link and unlink from an individual, but it takes a bit of time.
26. EXT. CUL-DE-SAC — NIGHT
Unaware of the demonic activity, Eve’s boyfriend KEV drives her to a lonely cul-de-sac where they are followed by the Machinist.
HORROR SITUATION: Kev confronts the Machinist unaware that he’s way out of his league.
APPREHENSION: Kev is an abuser and as he threatens Eve, the Machinist arrives, whom Kev also threatens.
SHOCK: The Machinist brutally kills Kev.
DREAD: Eve has nowhere to go as the Machinist turns his attention to her.
27. INT. ROADHOUSE — NIGHT
Having escaped the attacks by the Demon and the Machinist, Becca and Kay decide to look for Eve, who had departed with her boyfriend during the confrontation.
28. EXT. KAY’S SUV/CUL-DE-SAC — NIGHT
During their search, Becca complains about pain in the hand that touched the Demon. She gets the feeling the Demon is nearby and directs Kay to drive into the dark cul-de-sac. They discover Kev’s mutilated body but no Eve.
29. EXT. CUL-DE-SAC — LATER
The site has been roped off as a crime scene by local law enforcement, and Becca watches Kay interact with the local sheriff, looking a little less sure of herself.
30. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/SORENSON’S OFFICE — DAY
Sorenson is peeved that his least experienced investigator was involved in an altercation and murder in another county. He dissolves Becca’s internship and reassigns Kay to desk duty.
Exiting the meeting, Kay tries to makes plans with Becca but Becca says the internship’s suspension might be for the best. She refuses a ride home, saying she has plans of her own.
31. EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD — NIGHT
In a remote church graveyard, the possessed Machinist buries Eve’s body and slides a stone on top as if to make sure she’ll stay put.
32. INT. FILE STORAGE ROOM – NIGHT
Kay adds another pin to her map but this time can’t predict where the next kidnapping will occur. She phones the mental institution.
33. INT. MENTAL INSTITUTION — NIGHT
Kay meets with Lemech, who agrees to talk under one condition — that he’s not removed from the mental institution for any reason. Lemech explains that 30 years ago he killed Anita Harms, and afterwards was possessed by a demon, which drove him to kidnap and kill the three missing girls. Ever since, he’s been living in this religious building as protection.
He says that for decades the perpetrator of these crimes is an ancient Demon bound to this region. European settlers tried driving it from the land, so it retaliated by taking innocent victims from each generation of their descendants.
Kay wants to know where the Demon is taking the victims, but Lemech refuses to say more.
34. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE — DAY
Kay pleads with Sorenson to prevent Lemech from being removed from the mental institution, but Sorenson says she’s too late — a deputy is already on his way to pick up Lemech for his arraignment on Anita’s murder.
35. INT. DEPUTY’S VEHICLE — DAY
Lemech, handcuffed and clutching a rosary, nervously rides away from the mental institution. He sees ghostly figures hiding in the shadows outside the vehicle.
36. INT. COUNTY JAIL — DAY
As Lemech is admitted into jail he’s forced to relinquish his rosary. The Demon watches while perched on the ceiling.
Kay tries to talk to Lemech before he’s locked in a cell. Knowing he’s vulnerable, Lemech asks Kay to arrange for a priest to take his confession in exchange for more information. Kay insists he’ll be safe inside a jail.
A brusque JAILER cuts their conversation short, and the only information Lemech can convey is the word “Bern”.
37. INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM — DAY
Kay consults with Dr. Geissler, who’s now fearful over the recent murder and kidnappings. Kay pressures him, and the only thing he could think of is a 19th century pioneer settlement called Bern.
38. INT. INTERCUT COFFEE SHOP & COUNTY JAIL — NIGHT
Intercutting between Lemech’s cell and a coffee shop where Becca is on a first date, we witness the Demon possess the Jailer, who then kills Lemech, which in turn triggers a hysterical reaction by Becca.
HORROR SITUATION: Because she touched the Demon at the roadhouse, Becca is now sensitive to its murderous activity.
DREAD: Believing he’s doomed, Lemech goes through with his confession to a PRIEST.
SURPRISE: The Demon now possesses the Jailer.
MONSTER REVEAL: The Demon can take over any hate-filled person as its pawn.
SHOCK: The Jailer brutally kills Lemech
HYSTERIA: Sensing Lemech’s execution, Becca goes into hysterics during her date.
39. INT. COUNTY JAIL — NIGHT
Kay arrives to find Lemech’s corpse. She surreptitiously picks up his rosary from the Jailer’s office.
40. INT. LIBRARY — NIGHT
Kay tears through old maps to find Bern’s location and transposes it to her GPS. She calls Becca, who’s devastated from her tragic date, and they both agree to root out the evil that’s been plaguing the region.
41. EXT. BERN — DAY
Kay and Becca follow the coordinates to a remote part of the state where they discover the ruins of an old church — the one from the prologue. While searching in the alternate dimension, Becca discovers scores of victims buried beneath slabs of granite.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca and Kay make a shocking discovery while they’re on hostile ground and isolated and vulnerable.
ANXIETY: Becca senses they’re on to something big and is nervous about searching the grounds.
SHOCK: Becca is confronted with dozens of buried bodies which, in her vision, are all preserved in their original state.
REVEAL: Becca, psychically connected to the Demon, understands its overarching intent — it take three victims, one for every day Christ was in the tomb, and buries them so they could never rise again. It’s a mockery of God.
DREAD: They find the fresh graves of Leya and Eve next to an open grave — there’s still one more murder in this cycle.
42. EXT. GRAIN ELEVATOR — NIGHT
While on their way to meet local law enforcement, Kay and Becca are run off the road by the Machinist, who is now pursuing them.
HORROR SITUATION: The Demon turns the tables — it now pursues Kay and Becca, rather than them looking for it.
APPREHENSION: Kay and Becca are on edge because they know they’ve just penetrated the Demon’s secret hideout.
SURPRISE: The Machinist runs Kay off the road, damaging her SUV, which comes to a stop at an abandoned grain elevator.
SUSPENSE: The Machinist circles their disabled vehicle, revealing he has the THIRD VICTIM with him, then parks out of sight behind the elevator.
REVEAL: It appears the Demon is making this personal.
SHOCK: When Kay tries to confront the Machinist, he traps her in an underground grain pit.
TERROR: The Machinist chases Becca, who escapes into the alternate dimension — where the Demon chases her — so she returns to the real world right into the hands of the Machinist.
HYSTERIA: The Machinist assaults Becca before Kay escapes the pit and chases it off with her gun.
43. INT. HOSPITAL/EMERGENCY — NIGHT
Kay brings Becca to an emergency room. She’s barred from seeing her.
44. INT. HOSPITAL/PATIENT ROOM — DAY
Kay tries to visit Becca, but Becca isn’t receiving any visitors.
ACT 3
45. EXT. BERN — DAY
Several law enforcement agencies are involved in the exhumation of the Demon’s victims, including the FBI. It’s a complicated operation, with Kay at the center.
46. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/INTERROGATION ROOM — DAY
TWO FBI AGENTS quiz Kay on how she found the bodies, and she tells them the truth — Becca is psychic. Questioning Kay’s state of mind, Sorenson orders Kay to work with him to file a report and then take some time off.
47. INT. FACTORY/MACHINIST’S APARTMENT/ROADHOUSE — DAY
Cam is seen working with FBI agents trying to track the Machinist.
48. INT. BECCA’S CHILDHOOD HOME — DAY
Kay drops in on Becca, who’s now living miles away with her abusive mother. Becca says that she’s free from the Demon’s reach way out here. She admits defeat — sometimes evil can’t be stopped and we need to learn to live with it.
49. INT. KAY’S HOME — DAY
Given that perspective, Kay goes home and gives love to her two kids.
50. INT. BECCA’S CHILDHOOD HOME — DAY
While going through a storeroom, Kay finds old toys and is reminded of the sister she lost years ago. She tries the alternate dimension one more time.
While there, she challenges herself to psychically connect with the Demon and learns that his next intended victim is Kay’s daughter Trudie.
She can’t reach Kay on the phone, so she reaches out to Cam to tell him the third victim was never buried — the killer’s after one more, and she fears it’s Trudie. Cam doesn’t believe her but promises to check on Kay.
Though she doesn’t know how to drive, Becca commandeers her mom’s pickup and heads toward Kay.
51. EXT. KAY’S HOME — NIGHT
Cam stakes out Kay’s duplex, making sure she’s safe, but falls prey to the Machinist.
HORROR SITUATION: Cam thinks he has everything under control but is caught off guard.
APPREHENSION: While watching Kay’s home, Cam notices someone else doing the same — Mitch. Cam shines a flashlight on him, which chases him away.
SURPRISE: The Machinist appears out of nowhere and kills Cam.
52. INT. KAY’S HOME — NIGHT
The Demon invades Kay’s home to kill Trudie. Kay and Cheryl have to team up to fend him off, using their survivors’ wits.
HORROR SITUATION: Kay and Trudie survive one close call after another but ultimately find themselves at the mercy of the Demon.
SHOCK: The Machinist tricks Trudie into unlocking the front door by flashing Cam’s disembodied head through the peephole.
FEAR: The Machinist stands between Kay and her pistol, which means she has to defend her family without a weapon.
REVEAL: The Machinist allows Ty to escape through a window, signaling that the Demon is solely focused on Trudie.
DREAD: Using demonic power, the Machinist slams shut all the doors and windows and pops all the light bulbs, effectively trapping Kay and Trudie inside.
PANIC: When burning popcorn sets off the duplex’s sprinklers, Kay uses the moment of confusion to retreat with Trudie into the bedroom.
TERROR: Kay barricades the bedroom door; the Machinist begins beating it down.
SUSPENSE: Kay kicks a hole in the wall as an escape route — will they make it to Cheryl’s side of the duplex before the Machinist breaks into the room?
RELEASE: Trudie squeezes through the hole and into the hands of Cheryl on her side of the duplex.
ANGUISH: The Machinist immediately stops its attack and leaves for Cheryl’s duplex. On her way to Cheryl’s, Kay grabs her pistol and Lemech’s rosary.
HYSTERIA: Kay hears scream inside Cheryl’s home but is unable to penetrate the front door — the Machinist has it sealed from the inside. Powerless, Kay is on the verge of hysteria.
RELEASE: Kay discovers that if she wraps the rosary around her hand she can weaken the Demon’s power and open the door.
PANIC: Kay stumbles in to find the Machinist levitating Cheryl, about to kill her; Kay shoots the Machinist, who drops Cheryl but is not impaired by the bullets.
DREAD: The Machinist turns to focus on Kay, revealing a demonic visage.
SHOCK: Kay shoots the Machinist in the face, but being possessed, he keeps going.
TERROR: Through demonic power, the Machinist smashes Kay into the ceiling several times, causing her to drop the pistol and the rosary. The Machinist spins to Trudie and is about to kill her.
RELEASE: Becca appears at the door; she picks up the rosary and disappears into the alternate dimension.
PANIC: Though it causes intense pain, Becca attacks the Demon and wraps the rosary around its throat; the Demon releases the Machinist from its grip and falls to the ground, stunned.
TERROR: Kay comes to her senses and fires a death shot through the Machinist’s heart.
RELEASE: Becca reappears in the real world, mortally wounded; after saying her goodbyes, she dies.
As Kay, Trudie and Cheryl mourn Becca’s passing, they hear someone coming up the sidewalk and through the front door — Mitch, leading Ty by the hand.
SHOCK: Mitch suddenly grabs Ty and threatens to kill him; his face takes on an evil countenance.
REVEAL: The Demon has possessed Mitch.
SUSPENSE: Kay wants to shoot Mitch but can’t for fear of injuring Ty.
RELEASE: Mitch suddenly drops Ty and writhes in pain.
MONSTER REVEAL: In the alternate dimension, the Demon is powerless against the resurrected spirit of Becca; she punishes the Demon to an inch of its life and causes it to flee.
RELEASE: In the real world, Mitch drops unconscious; Kay rolls him out the door and locks it; she gathers her family and Cheryl together and remarks that Becca was the one victim who resurrected.
53. NEWS REPORTS
A montage of news reports describe the numerous funerals following the recovery of the long-lost bodies.
54. EXT. CEMETERY
The Priest presides over a small memorial service for Becca — including Kay and her children, Cheryl (bandaged), Sorenson and some of Becca’s classmates. Kay remarks that Becca hasn’t really died and will always watch over them.
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Charles – would you like to exchange outlines for feedback? Please let me know – thanks.
John B.
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Sure thing, John. Thanks for reaching out. I won’t be able to provide notes until later this evening, though.
Chuck
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I reviewed your outline, John, and have some feedback. You want me to post it here or send an email?
Chuck
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Sorry, I was out all day yesterday and just getting back now – I apologize for my late reply. Yes, please feel free to post your feedback right here. I know I have a few plot holes, and the ‘movie’ in my head is not what I wrote on paper.
I will get back to you later today with feedback on your outline. Chuck, I appreciate your time and comments, thank you.
John
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No worries. It was Independence Day. I’ll post my feedback under your outline above.
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Chuck,
I just finished reading your horror outline and I’ve got two words for you – great job!
Right from the start with your title, logline and horror concept, you secured my interest. Your outline is comprehensive – capturing the essence of each scene with characters and action developing it more fully. I like the monster you created, its back-story, unique/interesting abilities, and its set of rules. Nice work.
I especially liked your horror situations and emotional buildups including shocks/releases – very well done. As I read your outline, I checked off areas that I liked and each page has more than a few checkmarks. I really like your story, and I really like your style.
I have two comments where you may want to change a name. Scene 50 – While going through a storeroom, …. I believe you meant Becca and not Kay. Also, scene 52 – “The Demon invades Kay’s home….” currently, it’s Kay and Cheryl have to team up…, but I think you mean Trudie and Kay team up since Cheryl is in her side of the duplex. Two small items.
Your outline is a fun read. It’s a solid outline full of horrifying scenes with fun characters and a determined, scary monster. You tie everything together nicely. Great job.
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Wow, John, thanks for the kind words. And thank you for taking the time to review my material. These are great catches — for some reason I was transposing names in this round of revisions. I’m open to any other feedback on areas you might have been confused or bored or thought I’d gone in the wrong direction. After reading my outline again, I’m seeing places where I could be a little more clear. And please, if there’s anything in my feedback on Ranger Vicki that needs clarification, just let me know. You’ve got a fun story cooking and hope you can take it to the next level.
Chuck
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Jackson’s Horror Outline Version 1
(Temporary) Title: Conformity
Logline: When a doppelgänger infiltrates a school, a must figure out how to cooperate with many other students, some of them rivals, to survive the monster.
1: EXT—HIGH SCHOOL—MIDDAY
A line of buses awaits outside.
2: INT—HIGH SCHOOL/CLASSROOM— MIDDAY
While Students are talking after taking their final, Mr. Sapientia, their teacher walks around. Two, SAMI BURHAN and DEE BAKER are discussing DEE‘s recent arrest, while another is telling a joke at the expense of a popular girl, ERMINA EITEL, as buses are called for various field trips.
3: INT—HIGH SCHOOL/LUNCHROOM—MIDDAY
Three friends, including SAMI’s boyfriend WILL, talk about D&D and the Musical, and later, about the serial killer, to tease their friend.
Later…
A lockdown has begun, inciting the students to panic and scatter. Teachers try to maintain order and have students return to their classrooms.
4: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
DEE and SAMI are walking towards their classroom when a teacher, shivering from the cold, walks through the halls, pursuing them, and reprimanding them for being in the halls.
5: INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
As they come in, students are on their PHONES trying to find out what is going on. WILL GARCIA is worried about the coming blizzard. SAPIENTIA broadcasts the story to the PROMETHIUM BOARD, where they see a seemingly TOY WEAPON is fired, and correspondents are outside their school. It is now locked in a secure SAFE, put there by a teacher.
6:INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
EMILY WILLIAMS and ERMINA EITEL are in the hall. As EITEL enters the BATHROOM, EMILY is grabbed from behind by a TEACHER. As ERMINA walks out, the teacher has already started draining EMIlY, and flees holding EMILY prisoner.
7:INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
ERMINA sprints into the classroom, quickly explaining the situation; they argue for a bit, when SAPIENTIA reaches a compromise. A blizzard warning is on the promethium board.
8: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
Scene: Ermina and Daiyu are looking for EMILY.
Anxiety: The lockdown is in effect. They are already on edge, but more so when they hear someone approaching.
Release: They look back but no one is there.
Shock/Scare: The monster appears out of nowhere and grabs Ermina.
Panic: Ermina tries to hit the monster, and grabs Daiyu for it to consume instead.
Release: She flees, her clothes covered in DAIYU’s blood, vowing to go alone after this.
ACT II
The Snowstorm outside increases.
9: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
Sapientia and some of the others talk about if the other two have gotten back yet. Sapientia and a few others walk towards the Empty Classroom.
10: INT—SCHOOL/EMPTY CLASSROOM—DAY
Fear: The school is on lockdown. Someone is kidnapping people, seemingly at random.
Dread: They hear someone screaming in pain in the classroom.
Suspense: Mr. Sapientia walks up to investigate.
Release: They see only Emily.
Shock: Emily is the monster. The monster reaches out, and slashes Sapientia with a knife, killing him, but not absorbing their energy.
Anguish: The others hear Sapientia scream. The monster comes out, in tears, pretending to grieve to gain their trust.
Release: Emily, and the others walk away, seemingly safe from the monster.
11: INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
They discuss their encounter, but thanks to the doppelgänger, they argue, and end up splitting up into groups of three or four.
12: INT—SCHOOL/EMPTY CLASSROOM—DAY
Asher, Matt, Emily, and Oscar look in the classroom, for any clues about the monster.
Fear: They know the killer is lurking somewhere.
Suspense: After being called by Emily, OSCAR approaches to a backroom slowly.
Shock: Matt finds Emily’s burned body in a closet
Scare/ Dread: They realize the monster is Emily.
Monster Reveal: The monster is a shapeshifter.
13. INT—SCHOOL/LIBRARY—DAY
They look for any books that might provide any insight, to their situation. The Doppelgänger arrives so they flee, and split up so at least one can survive.
14. INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
JOHN and NATHAN are hiding in their classroom, when OSCAR peeks in. JOHN welcomes OSCAR, and then the monster reveals itself draining JOHN NATHAN flees .
15. INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
Will bumps into Matt, who shares his story and they go to the chemistry lab together.
15a) After Will leaves with Matt, DEE and SAMI head for the security room, to check cameras, finding more information on the weapon.
16. INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
As John, the doppelgänger pursues Nathan.
17. INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
Three jocks, see John, and make fun of him, until John attacks one of the jocks, killing him almost immediately, and taking his form.
The jocks chase them, until they see Asher. Up ahead.
18. INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
ERMINA walks through the halls alone, until the doppelgänger jumps her, and absorbs her current and her form.
Reveal: We see the monster, absorb their energy.
19. Asher and the jocks find ERMINA’s body. Asher tries to administer first aid while the jocks pursue on.
20: INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
Three students are beating up ERMINA EITEL. NATHAN leaps to her aid, despite protest from the others. TYSON COOPER, a jock, bursts through the doors, accusing ERMINA of being a shapeshifter, and the others back him up. NATHAN switches sides, helping TYSON attempt to fight her. They are completely unprepared, and massacred, so the villain gleefully drinks all of their energy, and salvages their belongings.
21:INT—SCHOOL/OUTSIDE OF CLASSROOM—DAY
ASHER watches in horror as the students are killed.
22: INT—SCHOOL/CHEMISTRY LAB—DAY
WILL GARCIA and MATT enter to prepare tests to find out weaknesses.
23: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
SAMI and DEE are alone. SAMI thinks he sees something, but when DEE looks they don’t see it. The monster jumps out, grabs DEE and disappears again.
ACT III
24: INT—SCHOOL/CLASSROOM—DAY
The Doppelgänger is interrogating DEE, but SAMI arrives and identifies the real SAMI by asking a question, and they escape.
25: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
They see Asher, check his identity, and talk until they see Tyson walking, and then chasing them. They run away until they are cornered. The monster slowly advances until DEE picks the lock.
26:INT—SCHOOL/CAFETERIA—DAY
DEE, SAMI, and ASHER make it to the CAFETERIA. They see a few other students there, and they discuss the monster by the lunch counters.
27: INT—SCHOOL/CHEMISTRY LAB—DAY
Asher, Dee, and Sami, see the Doppelgänger running away Will His research lies scattered around. Sami then wants to try to rescue them Asher advises against it, and suggests meeting at the cafeteria when they’re both done.
28: INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
It proves nearly impossible to track them so they go to the security room to try to find him.
29:INT—SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
WILL escapes, and then flees. The Doppelgänger chases him to the edge of the building where the blizzard is raging outside.
30: EXT—HIGH SCHOOL—DAY
He looks out and debates going to the snow or facing the doppelgänger. He sighs and breaks his vials, scattering the glass, heated on the bunsen burner, throughout the hall. The DOPPELGÄNGER walks right through it all, and only then does Will desperately push. He walks out, followed closely by the DOPPELGÄNGER, who begins to freeze. The student bangs on a door, but the DOPPELGÄNGER catches him, kills him, and then unlocks it with a stolen teacher’s key, and enters the HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE SMALL CLASSROOM, and walks past looking for sources of warmth, muttering about the frigid air.
31: INT—HIGH SCHOOL/SECURITY ROOM—DAY
SAMI is on the computer monitoring movements, where he sees WILL’s death. Later, he sees the doppelgänger getting dangerously close to the cafeteria, and runs in to warn the others.
32. INT—HIGH SCHOOL/CAFETERIA-DAY
Scene: They discuss the monster and weapon, and make a plan.
Fear: A dead student is running towards them. He is the monster.
Release: They are closing the gate; it looks the monster will not make it.
Shock: The monster manages to grab Asher’s foot, and pull him under.
Anguish: Asher is impaled by the cafeteria gate
Horror: Asher is dead; the monster is coming for them.
Panic: The monster is past the gate. They only have one exit. People trample each other trying to get out.
Release: They manage to get out, now more than ever determined to find the weapon, but they need to lay the trap outside, and retrieve the weapon, on the opposite side of the building.
33. EXT—HIGH SCHOOL—DAY
SAMI is laying the trap, while DEE goes in. It is an overly complex rube Goldberg machine. The Doppelgänger jumps him. The trap goes off, damaging it, but SAMI nonetheless, becomes a burned corpse.
34. INT—HIGH SCHOOL/TEACHER’S LOUNGE—DAY
DEE made it. She now picks the lock, retrieves the weapon, and makes her way out.
35. INT—HIGH SCHOOL/HALLWAY—DAY
Scene: Isolated/Paranoia: Unaware that SAMI has been killed, DEE has retrieved the WEAPON, and is trying to meet up with him, who was laying a trap outside.
Fear: DEE is walking alone through the halls, the WEAPON in her pocket.
Anxiety: She is hearing strange noises, and something approaching.
Scare: When she checks it out she bumps into a figure.
Release: She stumbles away, before realizing it is just SAMI.
DEE and SAMI talk for a little bit; DEE has some doubts.
36. EXT—HIGH SCHOOL—DAY
Suspense: The audience wonders who will make the first move, as the characters take a long walk outside, after being encouraged by ‘SAMI’.
Horror: Seeing SAMI’s body, brutally murdered, she knows it is coming for her.
Suspense: DEE musters up enough courage to fire the weapon, after holding it in her quivering hand for several seconds.
37. EXT—SIDEWALK—DAY
DEE BAKER, for the first time since she met SAMI, walking home alone.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Robert Lee.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Robert Lee.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Anyone advancing to round 2? Would like to trade notes.
— Chuck Czech
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Chuck Czech.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Chuck Czech’s Outline Version 2
In this version of the outline, I was more clear on which character was doing which action, and I included a bit more detail to better spell out character relationships and motivations. I would like to know if there are parts of the story that are confusing, boring or taken in a questionable direction. Does it realistically flow from one act to another? Does it tell a cohesive and meaningful story?
Title: The World Between
Logline: A rookie detective saddled with decades of cold cases partners with a young psychic to stop an invisible demon that’s committed more than 100 years of murders.
PROLOGUE
1. EXT. MINNESOTA PRAIRIE/GERMAN SETTLEMENT/CHURCH – DAY
At an 1845 German Catholic settlement, a group of churchgoers conduct a prayer procession meant to expel evil from the land. A trio of bored teenage girls break off from the group.
2. EXT. MINNESOTA PRAIRIE/TALL GRASS MAZE – DAY
The girls are stalked and killed by a STRANGER amid a maze of tall prairie grass.
HORROR SITUATION: The girls’ mischief places them outside the safety of their village — they’re on their own.
• APPREHENSION: One of the girls, GERTRUDE, is separated from the others and grows anxious looking for them.
• SCARE: While searching, Gertrude steps on a snake, startling her.
• RELEASE: Gertrude runs right into the arms of the others, who are experimenting with smoking.
• CREEPY MOMENT: The wind dies and birds stop singing as the Stranger approaches.
• TERROR: The Stranger strangles one of the girls, then stalks the other two through the tall grass.
• MONSTER REVEAL: At the moment he kills each victim, the Stranger reveals a demonic face and then sucks out their life with a horrid kiss.
ACT 1
3. EXT. RURAL HOME – DAY
Painfully shy BECCA WEAKS (9) tries pulling her sister JAIMIE’s toys from a trash pit. Their nasty MOTHER, who had thrown away the toys, threatens Becca for doing so.
Later, an abusive NEIGHBOR (12) tries to take advantage of Becca, but she uses the ability to disappear into an alternate dimension to hide from him — she can see him but he can’t see her.
4. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG – DAY
BECCA (19) is now an anthropology student who’s participating in an archeological dig of an old trading post, led by professor GLENN GEISSLER (50s).
When her classmates pressure her to ask out a guy, she hides in the alternate dimension. There, she discovers a child’s ID tag hidden underground.
5. EXT. KAY’S SUV — DAY
KAY LUND (35) drives her two kids to school. She’s trying to diplomatically shield the kids from an abusive ex-husband. She’s also an investigator at the Sheriff’s Department.
Late for work, Kay uses her portable emergency lights to cut in front of other moms dropping off their kids at school.
6. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/FILE STORAGE ROOM — DAY
Fellow investigator CAM DRURY (28) follows Kay to a store room where Kay is set up to investigate cold cases. He’s got a crush on her and kids her for not being on the frontlines of police work.
Cam hands Kay the bagged ID, saying that when she was late she missed Dr Geissler. Kay examines the ID and suggests there’s a pattern to the history of missing persons in this part of the state. Cam doesn’t buy it.
7. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — DAY
Kay and Cam rope off the place where Becca found the ID. They want to interview Becca, but Becca pleads with her classmates to drive her away, wanting to avoid all attention.
Kay stays late at the site looking for more evidence, but is unsuccessful.
8. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM/CAMPUS GROUNDS/STUDENT UNION — DAY
Kay finds Becca on campus and drills her about how she discovered the ID tag. With some coaxing, Becca reveals that she has the ability to disappear into an alternate dimension where hidden things are more easily found. Kay is skeptical and demands a demonstration.
9. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — DAY
At the now-deserted dig site, Becca demonstrates her ability to disappear into the alternate dimension. While there, she discovers a child’s buried remains.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca’s never revealed her secret to anyone and now, goaded into exploring the alternate dimension, she makes a gruesome discovery.
• APPREHENSION: The alternate dimension had been Becca’s sanctuary, now she’s uncomfortable exploring its darker recesses.
• CREEPY MOMENT: Becca follows a trail of footprints that are hidden from the real world.
• SHOCK: Becca finds the body of a girl who went missing 30 years ago; in the alternate dimension the corpse appears intact and ghastly.
• ANGUISH: Kay hears Becca screaming but can’t easily find her.
• SHOCK: Becca specifies a place for Kay to dig and she unearths the girl’s skeleton.
10. EXT. ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG SITE — LATER
As law enforcement and news media pore over the location, Kay’s supervisor, LIEUTENANT SORENSON (50s), questions her about how they discovered the body. She lies and says they got lucky. She also tells him that Becca, a civilian, was present because she was interested in an internship.
11. INT. KAY’S SUV — MOVING — DAY
As Kay drives Becca home, she invites her to help with cold cases. Becca turns her down. Kay notices Becca dropping her pocketbook but doesn’t tell her.
12. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — DAY
At a department meeting, the identity of the skeleton is identified — Anita Harms, who went missing 30 years ago. Her pediatrician was accused of murdering her but was never convicted.
13. INT. ST. LUKE’S MENTAL INSTITUTION — DAY
Kay and Cam interview former pediatrician DR MARVIN LEMECH, who lives in a Catholic mental institution. Though he had been implicated in the disappearances of several girls 30 years ago, he says he’s not responsible. He cautions Kay to be careful — the case of the missing girls has cursed him, and she might be dragged into something she can’t handle.
14. INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM — DAY
Kay presents internship papers to Dr Geissler. He explains to Kay that Becca’s abilities are in line with what many cultures believe — that our reality is adjacent to a spirit world. He signs the papers, but warns Kay to be careful.
15. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/FILE STORAGE ROOM — DAY
Becca visits Kay at the Sheriff’s Department to retrieve her pocketbook. Kay shows her the map of missing persons and describes the unusual history of these crimes — three missing persons every 30 years. Because the victims are the young and innocent, Becca takes an interest and eventually signs the internship papers.
ACT 2
16. INT. FACTORY— DAY
While operating machinery, a MACHINIST (30s) exhibits paranoid behavior towards his co-workers.
17. INT. MACHINIST’S HOME — NIGHT
During a rough night of drug experimentation, the Machinist becomes possessed by a DEMON.
HORROR SITUATION: The Machinist can’t tell the difference between drug hallucinations and actual spiritual activity.
• FEAR: At first the Machinist is amused by the drug’s psychedelic effects, but grows fearful when he witnesses demonic activity — strange voices, moving objects, violent porn playing over and over.
• SHOCK: The Machinist comes face to face with the Demon.
• DREAD: The Machinist is helpless as the Demon descends on him and possesses him.
• MONSTER REVEAL: We briefly see the Demon’s actual spiritual form and what a possession really looks like.
18. EXT. CRIME SCENE #1/TRUCK STOP — DAY
Kay and Becca investigate a 30-year-old crime scene but can’t find any clues on the missing girls. Becca reveals that sinful activity leaves scars on the landscape of the alternate dimension, so hidden details of crimes can more easily be detected there. She finds plenty of scars at the truck stop but nothing related to a girl.
19. EXT. CRIME SCENE #2/RIVERSIDE PARK — DAY
Kay develops a way to communicate with Becca in the alternate dimension using high frequency transceivers. Becca discovers misshapen footprints but is at a loss for words when describing them to Kay.
20. INT. FACTORY – DAY
The Machinist’s behavior is more extreme and insubordinate. He gets revenge on a co-worker who’s been harassing him.
21. INT. KAY’S DUPLEX – EVENING
Becca joins Kay for a home-cooked dinner with her two kids TY and TRUDIE and her protective neighbor CHERYL.
In her home gym, Kay teaches Becca how to throw punches. They share their common experiences surviving abuse — Kay fights and Becca hides. Becca also reveals that her sister Jaimie died at a young age due to neglect.
Kay’s ex-husband MITCH (40s) shows up, so Ty and Trudie take Becca to their bedroom. Becca listens through the paper-thin walls how Kay is able to stand up to Mitch.
22. EXT. QUARRY – NIGHT
The Machinist watches a group of young people cliff diving in a quarry and kidnaps one of them.
HORROR SITUATION: The young people are unaware that they’re being stalked and that one of them is being targeted.
• ANXIETY: The young people dare each other to take dangerous dives into the water.
• SUSPENSE: After one of them delays his return to the surface, LEYA (18) wonders what exists below.
• RELEASE: Leya takes the plunge and is relieved and proud that it goes well.
• SURPRISE: On her hike back to the summit, Leya is captured by the Machinist.
23. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — DAY
When Sorenson announces Leya’s disappearance, Kay expresses her concern that the 30-year cycle is beginning again. Sorenson rejects the idea — he assigns the case to Cam and orders Kay to stick with her current caseload.
24. INT. FILE STORAGE ROOM – DAY
Kay adds a new pin into her map and realizes it matches the location of a kidnapping decades ago. Based on that, she calculates the next location to investigate — an out-of-the-way roadhouse, which happens to be in a different county.
25. INT. ROADHOUSE — NIGHT
Kay and Becca explore the busy roadhouse. While in the alternate dimension, Becca encounters the Demon, in possession of the Machinist, as it selects its next victim.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca’s exploration of the alternate dimension reveals it to be far more complex and dangerous than she’s previously experienced.
• CREEPY MOMENT: When in the alternate dimension, Becca sees many scars on the landscape representing years of bad behavior. She also perceives spectral beings feeding off the roadhouse patrons’ warmth and breath. It’s a kind of feeding ground.
• MONSTER REVEAL: Becca sees the Demon clinging to the Machinist like a parasite; it ignores her, apparently not recognizing her as a threat.
• SUSPENSE: Becca watches the Demon browse the crowd for potential victims — who will it select?
• PANIC: When the Demon targets an introverted young woman, EVE (20s), Becca decides to intervene and shoves the Demon.
• MONSTER REVEAL: Contact between human and demon in the spirit world is painful to both.
• TERROR: The Demon detaches from the Machinist and chases Becca. Kay tries to question the Machinist, but he attacks her.
• MONSTER REVEAL: The Demon can link and unlink from an individual, but it takes a bit of time.
• HYSTERIA: The Machinist is confronted by roadhouse patrons, so the Demon returns and uses demonic powers to overwhelm them.
Blind to the Demon, Eve and her boyfriend KEV (20s) escape through a back door.
26. EXT. CUL-DE-SAC — NIGHT
KEV drives Eve to a lonely cul-de-sac; they’re followed by the Machinist.
HORROR SITUATION: Kev confronts the Machinist unaware that he’s out of his league.
• APPREHENSION: Kev is an abuser and threatens Eve for interacting with the Machinist at the roadhouse. Just then, the Machinist arrives.
• SHOCK: Kev confronts the Machinist but is brutally killed — the Demon levitates him and breaks his back.
• DREAD: Eve has nowhere to go as the Machinist turns his attention to her and opens his mouth for a life-sucking kiss.
27. INT. ROADHOUSE — NIGHT
Having escaped the attacks by the Demon and Machinist, Becca and Kay decide to look for Eve, whom they saw depart with Kev during the melee.
28. EXT. KAY’S SUV/CUL-DE-SAC — NIGHT
During their search, Becca complains about pain in her hand that touched the Demon. She gets a feeling the Demon is nearby and directs Kay to drive into the dark cul-de-sac. They discover Kev’s twisted body, but no Eve.
29. EXT. CUL-DE-SAC — LATER
The site has been roped off as a crime scene by local law enforcement. Becca watches Kay interact with the local sheriff, looking a little less sure of herself.
Cam arrives and inserts himself into the situation. He warns Kay that putting herself and a civilian in jeopardy is no way to run an investigation. She retorts that she’s in the frontlines now.
30. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/SORENSON’S OFFICE — DAY
Sorenson is peeved that his least experienced investigator and an intern were involved in an altercation and murder in another county. He dissolves Becca’s internship and reassigns Kay to desk duty.
Exiting the meeting, Kay tries to make plans with Becca, but Becca says the suspension of the internship might be for the best. She declines a ride home, saying she has plans of her own.
31. EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD — NIGHT
In a remote graveyard, the possessed Machinist buries Eve’s body and covers the grave with a stone scratched with runes, as if he wants to make sure she stays put.
32. INT. FILE STORAGE ROOM – NIGHT
Kay adds another pin to her map but this time can’t predict where the next kidnapping will occur. She phones the mental institution.
33. INT. ST. LUKE’S MENTAL INSTITUTION — NIGHT
Kay meets with Lemech, who agrees to talk under one condition — that he’s never removed from the mental institution. Kay says if he genuinely helps, she’d back up his insanity claim and work to keep him there.
Lemech explains that 30 years ago he was involved in Anita’s death, which opened the door to possession. The Demon compelled him to kill three girls, and since then he’s been living in this religious building as protection from the Demon’s return.
Lemech says the perpetrator of the 30-year crimes has been an ancient Demon bound to this region. Settlers tried driving it from the land, so it retaliated by taking innocent victims from each generation of their descendants. This solidified its hold over the region and propagated endemic sin.
Kay wants to know where the Demon is taking the victims, but Lemech refuses to say more until Kay takes concrete steps to keep him in the institution.
34. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE — DAY
Kay pleads with Sorenson to prevent Lemech from being removed from the mental institution, saying he’s ready to help with cold cases. But Sorenson says they’re too late — a deputy is on his way to pick up Lemech for his arraignment on Anita’s murder.
35. INT. DEPUTY’S VEHICLE — DAY
Lemech, handcuffed and clutching a rosary, nervously rides away from the mental institution. He sees spectral figures hiding in the shadows outside the vehicle.
36. INT. COUNTY JAIL — DAY
As Lemech is admitted into jail he’s forced to relinquish his rosary. The Demon watches while perched on the ceiling.
Kay tries to talk to Lemech before he’s locked in a cell. Knowing he’s vulnerable, he asks Kay to arrange for a priest to take his confession in exchange for more information. Kay agrees and insists he’ll be safe inside a jail.
A brusque JAILER cuts their conversation short, and the only information Lemech can convey is the word “Bern”.
37. INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM — DAY
Kay consults with Dr. Geissler, who’s reluctant to help after learning of the recent disappearances. Kay pressures him, and the only thing the professor can think of is a 19th century pioneer settlement called Bern, now a lost ghost town.
38. INT. INTERCUT COFFEE SHOP & COUNTY JAIL — NIGHT
Intercutting between Lemech’s cell and a coffee shop where Becca is on a first date, we witness the Demon possess the Jailer, who then kills Lemech, which in turn triggers a hysterical reaction by Becca.
HORROR SITUATION: Because she touched the Demon at the roadhouse, Becca is now sensitive to its murderous activity.
• DREAD: Believing he’s doomed, Lemech goes through with his confession to a PRIEST.
• SURPRISE: The Demon now possesses the Jailer.
• MONSTER REVEAL: The Demon can commandeer any hate-filled person as its pawn.
• SHOCK: The Jailer brutally kills Lemech
• HYSTERIA: Sensing Lemech’s execution, Becca goes into hysterics, which freaks out her date and everyone else in the coffee shop.
39. INT. COUNTY JAIL — NIGHT
Kay arrives to find Lemech’s corpse. She surreptitiously picks up his rosary from the Jailer’s office.
40. INT. LIBRARY — NIGHT
Kay tears through old maps to find Bern’s location and transposes it as best she can to her GPS. She phones Becca, who’s devastated from her tragic date. They both agree to root out the evil that’s been plaguing the region.
41. EXT. BERN — DAY
The coordinates lead Kay and Becca to a remote part of the state where they eventually discover the ruins of an old church — the one from the prologue. While in the alternate dimension, Becca discovers scores of victims buried beneath slabs of granite.
HORROR SITUATION: Becca and Kay explore hostile territory and make a shocking discovery.
• ANXIETY: Becca senses they’re on to something big and is nervous about searching the grounds.
• SHOCK: Becca is confronted with dozens of buried bodies, which in her vision are all preserved in a cadaverous state.
• REVEAL: Becca, psychically connected to the Demon, understands its overarching intent — it take three victims, one for every day Christ was in the tomb, and buries them so they could never rise again. It’s a mockery of God.
• DREAD: They find the fresh graves of Leya and Eve next to an open grave — there’s still one more murder in this cycle.
42. EXT. COUNTRY ROADS/GRAIN ELEVATOR — NIGHT
Since her coordinates weren’t precise, Kay arranges to meet local law enforcement at a distant intersection. While on their way, Kay and Becca are run off the road by the Machinist.
HORROR SITUATION: The Demon turns the tables — it now pursues Kay and Becca, rather than the other way around.
• APPREHENSION: Kay and Becca are on edge because they know they’ve just penetrated the Demon’s secret hideout.
• SURPRISE: The Machinist runs Kay off the road, damaging her SUV, which comes to a stop at an abandoned grain elevator.
• SUSPENSE: The Machinist circles their disabled vehicle, revealing he has the THIRD VICTIM with him, then parks out of sight behind the elevator.
• REVEAL: It appears the Demon is making this personal.
• SHOCK: When Kay tries to confront the Machinist, he uses demonic power to trap her in an underground grain pit.
• TERROR: The Machinist chases Becca, forcing her to escape into the alternate dimension — where the Demon chases her — so she escapes back to the real world — right into the hands of the Machinist.
• HYSTERIA: The Machinist assaults Becca before Kay escapes the pit and chases him off with her gun.
• CREEPY MOMENT: As local law enforcement arrive, they catch a glimpse of the Machinist levitating into the air and out of sight.
43. INT. HOSPITAL/EMERGENCY — NIGHT
Local police bring Becca to an emergency room. Kay’s barred from joining her.
44. INT. HOSPITAL/PATIENT ROOM — DAY
Kay tries to visit Becca the next day, but Becca isn’t receiving visitors. Kay notices a female police officer enter her room, a sign their relationship is over.
ACT 3
45. EXT. BERN — DAY
Several agencies, including the FBI, are involved in the exhumation of the Demon’s victims. It’s a complicated operation with the overwhelmed Kay at the center.
46. INT. SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT/INTERROGATION ROOM — DAY
TWO FBI AGENTS quiz Kay on how she found the bodies. She tells them the truth — Becca is psychic. Questioning Kay’s state of mind, Sorenson orders Kay to work with him to file a report and then take some time off.
Cam’s had it with Kay and castigates her for endangering Becca.
47. INT. FACTORY/MACHINIST’S APARTMENT/ROADHOUSE — DAY
Cam is seen working with FBI agents trying to track the Machinist.
48. INT. BECCA’S CHILDHOOD HOME — DAY
Kay drops in on Becca, who’s presently living miles away with her abusive mother, now an invalid. Becca says she’s free from the Demon’s reach way out here. She admits defeat — sometimes evil can’t be stopped and we need to learn to live with it.
49. INT. KAY’S HOME — DAY
Given that perspective, Kay goes home and gives love to her two kids.
50. INT. BECCA’S CHILDHOOD HOME — DAY
While going through her old bedroom, Becca discovers Jaimie’s toys from ten years earlier — and then she momentarily sees Jaimie (6) watching from the hallway. Astounded, Becca tries the alternate dimension one more time.
While there, she thinks she sees Jaimie — but her mind is hijacked by thoughts of the Demon. Her psychic connection tells her that the Demon’s next intended victim is Kay’s daughter Trudie.
Becca can’t reach Kay on the phone, so she calls Cam to tell him the third victim was never buried — the killer’s after one more and she fears it’s Trudie. Cam doesn’t believe her but promises to check on Kay.
Though she doesn’t know how to drive, Becca commandeers her mom’s pickup and heads toward Kay.
51. EXT. KAY’S HOME — NIGHT
Cam stakes out Kay’s duplex, making sure she’s safe, but falls prey to the Machinist.
HORROR SITUATION: Cam thinks he has everything under control but is caught off guard.
• APPREHENSION: While watching Kay’s home, Cam notices someone else doing the same — Mitch. Cam shines a flashlight on him, chasing him away.
• SHOCK: The Machinist appears out of nowhere and kills Cam.
52. INT. KAY’S HOME — NIGHT
The Demon invades Kay’s home to kill Trudie. Kay and Trudie survive one close call after another but ultimately find themselves at the mercy of the Demon.
HORROR SITUATION: Kay is mano a mano with the Machinist/Demon and has to use all of her survivor skills and instincts to fend him/it off.
• SHOCK: The Machinist tricks Trudie into unlocking the front door by flashing Cam’s disembodied head through the peephole.
• FEAR: The Machinist stands between Kay and her pistol, meaning she has to defend her family without a weapon.
• REVEAL: The Machinist allows Ty to escape through a window, signaling that the Demon is solely focused on Trudie.
• DREAD: Using demonic power, the Machinist slams shut all the doors and windows and pops all the light bulbs, effectively trapping Kay and Trudie inside.
• PANIC: When burning popcorn sets off the duplex’s sprinklers, Kay uses the moment of confusion to retreat with Trudie into the bedroom.
• TERROR: Kay barricades the bedroom door; the Machinist begins beating it down.
• SUSPENSE: Kay kicks a hole in the wall as an escape route — will they make it to Cheryl’s side of the duplex before the Machinist breaks into the room?
• RELEASE: Trudie squeezes through the hole and into Cheryl’s arms on her side of the duplex.
• ANGUISH: The Machinist immediately stops its attack and leaves for Cheryl’s duplex. Kay grabs her pistol and Lemech’s rosary.
• HYSTERIA: Kay hears scream inside Cheryl’s home but is unable to penetrate the front door — the Machinist has it sealed from the inside. Powerless, Kay is on the verge of hysteria.
• RELEASE: Kay discovers that if she wraps the rosary around her hand she can weaken the Demon’s power and open the door.
• PANIC: Kay stumbles in to find the Machinist levitating Cheryl, about to kill her. Kay shoots the Machinist, who drops Cheryl but is not impaired by the bullets.
• DREAD: The Machinist turns to focus on Kay, revealing a demonic visage.
• SHOCK: Kay shoots the Machinist in the face, but being possessed he keeps going.
• TERROR: Using demonic power, the Machinist smashes Kay into the ceiling several times, causing her to drop the pistol and the rosary.
• DREAD: The Machinist spins toward Trudie and is about to kill her.
• RELEASE: Becca appears at the door. She picks up the rosary and disappears into the alternate dimension.
• PANIC: Though it causes intense pain, Becca attacks the Demon and wraps the rosary around its throat. The Demon releases the Machinist from its grip and falls to the ground, stunned.
• TERROR: Kay comes to her senses and fires a death shot through the Machinist’s heart.
• RELEASE: Becca reappears in the real world, mortally wounded. After saying her goodbyes, she dies.
• APPREHENSION: As Kay, Trudie and Cheryl mourn Becca’s passing, they hear someone coming up the sidewalk and through the front door — it’s Mitch, leading Ty by the hand.
• SHOCK: Mitch suddenly grabs Ty and threatens to kill him; his face takes on an evil countenance.
• REVEAL: The Demon has possessed Mitch.
• SUSPENSE: Kay wants to shoot Mitch but can’t for fear of injuring Ty.
• RELEASE: Mitch suddenly drops Ty and writhes in pain.
• MONSTER REVEAL: In the alternate dimension, Becca’s spirit has resurrected and is bearing down on the the Demon. It’s powerless against her rosary-powered blows, and she punishes it to an inch of its life. The Demon flees out of the alternate dimension.
• RELEASE: In the real world, Mitch drops unconscious; Kay rolls him out the door and locks it. She gathers her family and Cheryl together and remarks that Becca was the one victim who resurrected. To affirm this, her radio crackles with Becca’s voice.
53. NEWS REPORTS
A montage of news reports describe the numerous funerals following the recovery of the long-lost bodies.
54. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
The Priest presides over a small memorial service for Becca — including Kay, her children, Cheryl, Sorenson and some of Becca’s classmates. Kay remarks that Becca hasn’t really died and will always watch over them.
56. EXT. MEADOW – DAY
We glimpse a brief shot of Becca playing with young Jaimie in a heavenly meadow.
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I enjoyed reading your outline, it’s a Zombie movie, it has some comedy which makes it
even more interesting and engageing.
Here’s my outline:
Day 16: Time to Exchange Feedback
Subject Line:(Huey J. Williams) Horror Outline Version 2
What I learned on my second rewrite:
The person that did my feedback pointed out some important details
that i overlooked.
My main improvement was to pay attention to details.
I can’t think of anything person could have done better.
Title: “THE THINGAMAJIG”
Logline:
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods, that they will never forget.
Horror Outline Follows:
THE THINGAMAJIG – HORROR SITUATION TRACK
1. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
NOTE: OPENING SCENE
Horror Situation:
A forest near a lake illuminated by a full moon, the sounds of desperate
HISSING, and INJURED WOLF GROWL, QUICK THUMPING HITTING THE GROUND, slithers
threw the bush in hot pursuit of a EIGHT POINT BUCK.
The Buck SHRIEKS in pain when something in the bushes rips off it’s feet and
begins devouring it, bones CRUNCHING SOUNDS.
CLOSE ON – Just the monster’s mouth chewing is seen, as it takes big bites of
dear meat.
The forest goes silent.
CLOSE ON – SCREECH OWL SHRIEKS, as he watches from a tree.
2. INT. MOTORHOME – NIGHT
A Group of High School Graduates celebrate, before leaving for college
with a camping trip in the woods.
ALDEN drives the motorhome, most expirenced at camping, SHAD his dog liying
at his side CORY rides shotgun, GRAM, ASHLEY, KATE, and ZOEY sit together at
the table in conversation all close friends throughout High School.
All in conversation about the fun they had in High School as they travel.
Zoey says “I remember the great time we had prom night, Gram you were so hansome
in your tuxs and I had on one the most formal gowns I have ever worn”, then she
complains about going on camping trips, she prefers the city life. I’m going to
miss you all while attending University of Southern California while studing
Cinema and writing.
APPREHENSION: Knows very little about camping.
Kate lets her imagination sometimes cause her to fear having new experiences
she believes in monsters and the bogyman, she has entertained the whole group
with her stories the entire trip. Kate says ” We had so much fun in High School,
the beach parties, going to scary movies together, how are we going live being so
far appart I’ll be attending Duke University, Durham, North Carolins, earning
my Nursing Degree”.
Ashley, the mother type, Zoey and Kate look up to her for guidance when things
get out of the ordinary. Ashley says “Well I’ll be attending Yale University,
New Haven, Connecticut, Law School, and I will alway be thinking about all the fun
we’ve had together, Alden, I’ll miss you most, you really know how to show a girl
an exciting time, it has never been a dull moment”.
Gram, says, “I’ll be attending Columbia University, New York City, I will studing
Coaching, first High School, then College, maybe even the Professional Team. I
have the skills from my experience and what I’ve learned being on the Varsity
Team in High School. I’ll really miss you all.
Cory, says, me, “I’ll be attending Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge
Massachusetts, you have always calling me a Brainiac and since I do have the skills
I’ll fit in well at MIT”. High School was really a lot of fun, especially having you as
friends, and after college I’m sure we’ll reconnect,
Alden, says, “Kate, I’ll miss your vivid imagination. Cory, I miss your enlarged mind,
you brainiac. Gram, I’ll miss youre athleticism, and understanding. Zoey, I’ll miss your
upper class character, and your fashion skills. Ashley, I’ll miss you most, my sweetheart
your intellegent, loveable demeanor, Ashley approaches him and he kisses her on the cheek
I’ll be thinking of you all, while attending University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia
Pennsylvania, studying Business/Economics, my Dad wants me to take over the Family Sport
Shop”. So, we all have our yellow brick road to follow.
3. EXT./INT. THE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden pulls up and stops at a sign that reads: “Black Forest Keep Out”
APPREHENSION: As to why the warning.
SUSPENSE: Why the keep out order.
They continue to the campsite by the lake.
4. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE BY THE LAKE – NIGHT
Under a full moon, Ashley, Alden, pitch their tent, and just
before climb in for no appearent reason shad begins barking, then
joins them in the tent.
APPREHENSION: Ashley and Alden are curious.
Kate and Cory pitch their ten and just before climbing in, Kate lets her
imagination run wild about giant bugs that may climb into their tent.
APPREHENSION: Not to happy about sleeping on the ground.
Zoey and Gram pitch their tent and before climbing in, Gram kids Zoey
by saying,”Their coming to get you Zoey”, which she doesn’t find funny
at all.
APPREHENSION: Zoey doesn’t find it funny.
In the bushes hiding the monster watches, not making a sound.
Gram decides to go for a jog threw the woods, his nightly routine
when at home.
Gram retuns to camp and notices the motorhome is smoking.
The Group jumps into action rush to put out the elctrical fire,then back
into their tents to sleep.
Cory says he’ll take care of the electrical problem in the morning.
5. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE LAKESIDE – MORNING
Under a beautiful blue sky and sunshine morning the entire group are busy
cooking, fishing, swimimg, and having a grand old time together, music in
the background.
Alden has just caught serveral good sized catfish and hands them over to
Kate and Ashley who are doing the grilling on the pit.
Cory works on the electrical problem of the motorhome while sneaking bits
of food when Kate and Ashley are not looking.
Zoey and Gram are swiming, playing vollyball in the lake with Shad doing
his best to take the ball away.
Gram, Zoey, Alden, and Cory comment about how the food smells great,
Shad BARKS!
Alden helps Kate and Ashley help finishing the cooking without getting
in the way.
Ashley says, the food will be ready soon and will be served in the
motorhome.
6. INT. MOTORHOME – NOON
Alden, Gram, Cory are seated at the table while Ashley, Zoey, and Kate
prepare their plates, then they sit down with them and Alden says grace,
they begin eating.
After several bits of the food the complement of how good the meal is fills
the air which causes Ashley and Kate to blush with thanks.
After the meal they resume the day with relaxing around the campsite in
conversation while playing cards, just enjoying nature’s beauty.
7. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT
A full moon illuminates the landscape, the CRICKET SOUNDS are heard.
Ashley, Alden and Shad are in their tent preparing to sleep.
Kate and Cory are in conversation as they prepare to sleep.
Zoey and Gram are conversing about how wonderful the day was and
the food before they go to sleep.
Suddenly, the CRICKET SOUNDS go silent.
Shad starts to GROWL and BARK!
There is a LOAD HISSIN followed by a SICK WOLF HOWL!
Everybody jumps out of bed.
APPREHENSION: They don’t know whats going on.
FEAR: Of the unknown all Characters.
PANIC: They have no idea what they are dealing with.
MONSTER REVEAL: Not seen yet, but its something strange.
Shad begins BARKING and GROWELING more, then he runs out the tent in hot pursuit
into the woods after something unknown.
Alden grabs his rifle and follows shad into the woods and tries to catch up.
APPREHENSION: Alden feel the unknown.
8. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden folows a trail of blood to area of the forest where he
finds Shad’s collar and his fur scattered on the ground, he picks
up the collar.
APPREHENSION: Worred about Shad
FEAR: Shad is dead.
LOSS/EMOTIONAL: He won’t see his dog again.
Alden notes something in the bushes watching him, he can’t see what it
is but he knows it’s there, he keeps his gun on the ready.
CREEPY MOMENT: Alden knows something watching him in the bush.
FEAR: The unknown.
EMOTIONAL: About loosing Shad.
UNNERVING: Death could be stairing at him in the bush.
Alden causiously keeps his attention on the thing in the bushes, then
heads back to camp.
9. EXT. BLACK FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Everyone in the camp, Ashley, Cory, Kate, Zoey, Gram are gathered
together in cofusion.
APPREHENSION: Unaware of whats going on.
FEAR: Uncertain.
Alden returns with only Shad’s Tags and some of his fur.
Alden hugs Ashley almost in tears.
FEAR: Everyone at campsite.
SUSPENSE: What happend in the forest, and where is Shad.
DREAD: The death of Shad.
STARTLED: They know they are isolated and my be attacked.
They all decide move out of the tents into the motorhome.
10. INT. MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The Group make their way into the motorhome and bed down for the night.
Cory after working most of the day reparing the burned ignition system,
can’t make repairs.
APPREHENSION: Isolated.
Zoey tries to make a call home on her cell phone, no signal.
APREHENSION: Can’t call home.
ISOLATION: No phone signal.
Gram, and Alden armed decides to share watch duty for the night.
FEAR: Of unwanted visiter.
SUSPENSE: What is stalking them.
The monster is watching the motorhome from the bushes.
11. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
The monster enters the camp, ransacking the tents, then goes to
the motorhome and peeps threw the bathroom window.
12. INT. MOTOHOME – NIGHT
A Horror Situation:
Zoey is in the bathroom bushing he teeth, when she spot the monster’s
big eyees enlarged face staring at her, she SCREAMS and runs out of
the bathroom.
SHOCK: The monter’s face.
HYSTERIA: Gets her first look at the monster.
FEAR: Feels helpless.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being watched by a monster.
SCARED: Nearly to death, fear of capture.
Ashley, Kate question what Zoey says she saw, suggest that maybe it
was a bear that she saw, then try to calm her down.
DENIAL: Don’t believe Zoey.
Zoey get pissed because they don’t believe her.
FEAR: For their life.
DREAD: Of what might happen to them.
HYSTERIA: Of the monster capturing them.
SHOCK: There being a monster hunting them.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
Suddenly, the motorhome start bouncing and shaking Kate, Ashley start to
believe Zoey.
APPREHENSION: Asley, and Kate are puzzled.
FEAR: The become afraid.
SHOCK: About whats happening.
The monster jumps up and down on the motorhome HISSING, HOWLING LIKE AN
INJURED WOLF, shaking things up and SHOUTS FEED ME over and over.
13. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden, Gram, Cory, go into action each armed, they make their way out of the
motorhome, they get their first look at the monster, and begin shooting.
SHOCK: Their first look at the monster.
FEAR: They know nothing about the monster.
STARTLED: Never seen anything like this before.
EMOTIONAL: They could loose their lives.
DREAD: Must come up with a way to destroy monster.
CREEPY MOMENT: Something they have never seen before.
MONSTER REVEALED: First look at monster.
They make multiple hits, but it doesn’t kill the monster, it runs away into the
darkness of the black forest.
SURPRISE: Bullets won’t kill monster.
Alden, Gram, Cory are sweating, knees kocking, wide eyeed and they can’t believe
what they just saw.
Cory says, we learned one thing about what ever that was, bullets won’t kill
it, maybe fire will.
14. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Later that evening the Thingamajig strikes again this time Kate, Zoey, and Ashley all
get a look at it, as it raids the tents looking for food or one of them.
DREAD: Never seen a monster before.
HYSTERIA: Afraid to die.
FEAR: nearly scared to death.
Ashley, Kate, Zoey CRYING, sweating, Zoey soil herselves.
15. EXT. OUTSIDE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Alden, Gram, Cory attack the Thingamajig a battle begins with fire, (molotov cocktails), they miss.
The Thingamajig spits a substance that hits Cory on the leg, he SCREAMS in pain as it burns his
skin, Alden and Gram come to his aid, they stop the pain, by removing a section of clothing in
effected area, the Thingamajig runs into the woods.
Alden, Gram, and Cory pursue the Thingamajig deep into the woods by following his tracks.
16. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig, fooled the Alden, Gram, and Cory, makes his way back to the motorhome, then
tries to break in and capture Kate, Ashley, and Zoey.
17. INT. THE MOTORHOME BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Ashley, Kate, and Zoey are lock inside waiting for Alden, Cory, and Gram to return, they begin hearing
STRANGE NOISES outside the motorhome.
APPREHENSION: Waiting for Aden, Cory, and Gram to return safely.
FEAR: Monster my return.
ANXIETY: Worry, nervous.
Kate peeps outside the window and sees a hairy body runs past, she starts SCREAMING, so do Ashley and Zoey.
they start looking for places to hide.
The Thingamajig starts turning the door knob, trying to get into the motohome, and he’s chanting FEED
ME over and over.
The Thingamajig opens the door to the motorhome, stairing at the girl salivating at the mouth, it GROWLS LIKE
A WOLF, and saying FEED ME, over and over as it is about to enter.
SHOCK: Fears for their lives.
HYSTERIA: Doomed by the monster.
PANIC: Monster my come in motorhome.
DREAD: Death is at the door.
18. EXT./INT. CAMPSITE MOTORHOME – NIGHT
Alden, Cory, and Gram appear, start firing shot at the Thingamajig and it runs into the woods.
Alden, Cory, and Gram rush into the motorhome and hugg their CRYING girl friends.
RELEASE: The girls are saved.
ALDEN
We were chasing the Thingamajig it trick us, we never thought
it would double back here to the motorhome.
19. EXT. CAMPSITE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig returns and begins HOWLING, near the motorhome, Alden, Cory, and Gram take action, head
out to fight the Thingamajig.
Face to face with the Thingamajig, Alden, Cory, and Gram begin throwing molotov cocktail, but the
Thingamajig is quick, they miss.
Gram moves in close for a better shot with the molotov cocktail.
The Thingamajig charges, grabs Gram, he SCREAMS in pain as the Thingamajig takes a bite out of him,
as it runs into the darkness of the black forest.
Ashley, Kate, and Zoey watch in horror, begin SCREAMING, and close the motorhome door.
Alden and Cory, armed place four molotov cocktails in cooler and head out tracking Gram and
the thingamajig, they follow the Thingamajig’s foot prints to his hideout.
ANGUISH: Gram’s capture.
DREAD: Must try and save Gram.
20. EXT. BLACK FOREST THINGAMAJIG’S HIDEOUT – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
The Thingamajig hideout, a near hole in the ground.
Alden and Cory arrive at the Thingamajig’s cave.
APPREHENSION/SUPENSE: The challenge to try and save Gram and kill the Thingamajig.
ANXIETY/FEAR/CREEPY MOMENT/DISTURBING ENVIRONMENT: They must do what has to be done.
21. INT. THINGAMAJIG’S LAIR – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
Alden and Cory enter the Thingamajig’s lair slowly, molotov cocktails in hand, as they
move deeper into the cave.
Suddenly a BIG BLACK BAT attacks them on his way out of
the cave.
PANIC: They almost run.
SURPISE: The bat scraches them.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the Thingamajig’s lair.
In the distance Alden and Cory, HEAR SOUNDS of BONES CRUNCHING, CHEWING, and SWALLOWING,
then it stops.
Alden and Cory look at each other’
APPREHENSION: The sounds in the distance.
FEAR: In the shaddows the Thingamajig waits.
SUSPENSE: Will Gram be alive.
DREAD: What will they find.
Alden and Cory look at each other.(Fear/Anguish)
With blood, gutes, and gleaming sharp teeth, the Thingamajig leaps out, almost grabing Cory,
as he jumps out of the way.
Alden throws a molotov cocktail and misses.
The Thingamajig spits a black paste at Alden, misses, jumps at him,
Cory throws a molotov cocktail, which catches the Thingamajig’s leg on fire.
The Thingamajig WOLF HOWLS in pain.
Alden throws his last molotov cocktail, hitting the Thingamajig’s upper body, he hits
the ground burning, HOWLING.
Alden and Cory fire several shots into the Thingamajig’s body, as it burns, then it morphs
into something even more hideous.
As it burns the Thingamajig morphs to a BIG MAGGOT, then to ASH.
RELEASE: Finally they kill the Thingamajig.
The go deeper into the cave and they find the half eaten body of Gram, they stair at his body,
both almost in tears.
DREAD: For their friend.
ANGUIH: They couldn’t save Gram.
GROSSED OUT: To see his half eaten body.
CREEPY MOMENT: Being in the cave.
22. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Alden and Cory carry what’s left of Gram’s body out of the cave, then bury his remains in the
black forest, and head back to camp.
EMOTIONAL: Hurt for Gram’s loss.
23. EXT./INT. MOTORHOME CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Ashley, Kate, Zoey stand at the motorhome happy to see Alden, informs them that Gram is
dead, and so is the monster, Zoey begins CRYING.
ANGUISH:CRYING for her lost love.
24. EXT. THE BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Together with Ashley, Cate, Zoey, Alden and Cory gather their things and begin hikeing their
way out to the main road to catch a ride back to town for help.
RELEASE: Headed home.
As they walk huddled threw the black forest there is movement in the bushes.
Ashley, Cate, and Zoey start SCREAMING, Alden and Cory take aim.
Out walks an EIGHT POINT BUCK, looks at them, then wanders back into the woods.
They all take a deep breath, sigh of relief.
STARTLED: Thought it was another monster.
EMOTIONAL: Sared
RELEASE: False alarm, no threat.
25. EXT. BLACK FOREST – NIGHT
Horror Situation:
What appears as a falling star lights the sky, then lands near the lake.
CLOSE ON – A Thingamajig sureys the forest, grimaceing look on his face, looks at
the moon, HISSES and INJURED WOLF HOWLS into the night…
SUSPENSE: Who will be next, time will tell.
FADE OUT
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Huey, would you be interested in trading feedback? If so, my outline is above. It’s a bit long — sorry, my second draft kept growing.
Chuck
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Lesson Fifteen Assignment
Brian G. Walsh’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s going to take a lot of work before this outline is presentable.
1. EXT. RURAL STREET – NIGHT
A young man climbs over the low stone wall of a cemetery, drops down to the grass, then runs.
2. EXT. CEMETERY PLOT- NIGHT
The man digs up a grave. He keeps looking over his shoulder, wipes sweat from his brow. He digs until his shovel hits the coffin. He jumps inside, tries to pry the lid open but can’t. The ground shakes. Dirt starts falling into the hole. He climbs out. The ground shakes more violently. He runs away.
INT. ABANDONED COPPER MINE – DAY
Walls fall, dust fills the air. In a hidden dugout behind a wall, a large coffin shakes. The coffin has an inscription in Latin burned into it by a branding iron. A dozen soft voices, blended together, whisper from inside the coffin.
NOTE: OPENING SCENE
Horror Situation: The young man is digging up a grave.
• APPREHENSION:
Man keeps looking over his shoulder as if he’s afraid to be caught and stopped.
• FEAR: He runs away from the grave.
• SUSPENSE: The ground shakes. Is it related to the grave he is digging up? Is it a warning to stop?
3. EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
A Sheriff’s Department car patrols the road to the cemetery. Kenny Marshall climbs the wall and drops to his feet outside, twisting his ankle. Deputy John Moss sees him and stops the car. He flashes the red and blue lights. Marshall climbs back over the wall and disappears inside the cemetery. Moss calls it in and gives chase.
4. EXT. CEMETERY PLOT – NIGHT
Marshall hobbles over to the grave. He drops to his knees before the open grave, recites a prayer. Deputy Moss hears his chanting and follows the sound. Calls for help directly fro the “demon of the wind,” Ephippas, who contacted him previously through a medium. The wind picks up. Moss confronts him, approaches the open grave. Moss moves to cuff him. He glances into the open grave to see the coffin is open. Marshall gasps. The ground shakes again. Moss falls into the grave, on top of the corpse. The corpse strangles him.
5. EXT. RURAL HOUSE – DAY.
LUCAS COOPER, 35, Black, works under the hood of his car. A large German Shepherd lies beside the car. The dog’s ears perk up. He gets up. The dog runs for the house. A flock of birds flies off. Other animals run across the nearby woods. The ground shakes. Lucas struggles to stay on his feet. The quake hits. This time it’s a full earthquake. Lucas crawls under the car for cover.
6. EXT. MOHAWK MINE – DAY
TV news reporter Denise Washington reports on the earthquake from in front of the adit, or mine entrance dug horizontally into the side of the hill. Sheriff’s deputies and others are visible behind her. Deputy John Moss looks our way. He stares a moment, then looks away.
7. EXT. / INT. PRISON – DAY
Prisoner Raleigh Douglass waits for transfer for psych evaluation from specialist. He sees his ex-wife on TV and learns about the earthquake. He strains at his handcuffs but can’t get free.
FLASHBACK: Raleigh dragging the coffin into the mine, then running his finger across the Latin inscription.
INT. RURAL HOME – DAY
Lucas tells his daughter, Stephanie, that he has to go to check on something due to the earthquake. She asks him what but he won’t say. She asks if it has anything to do with that coffin he and Raleigh took away from the mountain last year after Raleigh killed Arnold Fanning. He tells her Raleigh acted in self-defense and to mind her own business.
8. EXT. / INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Sheriff Reynolds shoots the breeze with retired Sheriff Knickerbocker, who came in to volunteer to help, and Christine Diamond, his senior deputy. They get updates on earthquake damage. Reynolds sends out deputies.
9. EXT. OLD CEMETERY – DAY
Marshall inspects the grave. A dark silhouette appears. Marshall bows his head.
10. EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Prison van transporting Raleigh. A huge quake causes the driver to lose control of the transport. It flips over, slides right over the side of the road and tumbles part-way down the side of a mountain. Both prison guards are hurt and unconscious. The rear door is smashed in. Raleigh forces it completely open. He goes up front, finds the keys to his cuffs and removes them. He takes a gun, pepper spray and a taser with him, then sets off for the mine.
11.EXT. MOHAWK MINE – NIGHT
Lucas Cooper hovers around the mine entrance, now abandoned. There is a sign preventing entry to the mine. The wind picks up, becoming fierce. He ducks under the sign and enters the mine. Denise Washington watches and films him from her cellphone. She runs to her car.
12. EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Deputy Oak Harris finds the damaged transport van. He radios for emergency help and reports that a prisoner has escaped. He curses Raleigh for not having called it in and vows to get him.
13. EXT. MOHAWK MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall sneaks around the mine entrance. He enters the mine.
14. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Reynolds puts out a BOLO for Raleigh, telling everyone he is the escaped prisoner. He is armed and dangerous. He asks Christine if she has any idea what Raleigh might have planned. Knickerbocker remembers Raleigh’s concern about the mine, the place he and Lucas Cooper used to hang out when they were kids. Christine confirms that Raleigh used to hang out there when he was in high school. Reynolds asks about Raleigh’s crazy story. Knickerbocker tells him Raleigh said a solid gold cross had been placed on a dead priest’s body that contained a horde of demons. He said he was satisfied now because the cross was in place and the demons couldn’t get out. Willie Klein and Paul Wayne, two volunteers overhear the conversation and make tracks, eager to get their hands on the gold cross.
15. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Raleigh runs as fast as he can.
16. INT. MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall searches the mine. He calls out to the demons but gets no response. He tries again, and invokes the name of the Demon of the Wind. He hears whispering from the demon horde, follows the sound.
Ambulance, fire and another sheriff’s deputy car arrives at scene of accident. Oak tells Deputy Hugh Taylor to remain. He is going to find Raleigh.
17. EXT. MOHAWK MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Denise stands at the entrance, peeking in past the sign. The wind picks up, blows loose objects. Denise turns – the black silhouette flies towards her like a sheet blown off a clothesline. Denise hits the ground.
18. INT. RURAL HOME – NIGHT – LATER
Stephanie Cooper sits watching a TV news report about the earthquake. The back door rattles. She looks around, holds onto her chair, expecting another quake. Nothing. She goes to the back door, opens the curtains – Raleigh Douglass’ face is pressed against the glass.
Oak pulls up at Denise Washington’s house. He notices car is gone, but calls her on the phone and bangs on the door anyway. Frustrated, he walks around back. Denise is sitting on the steps to her back porch. Oak questions her. She behaves strangely. She tells him she saw infinity, the end of human civilization. She also saw Lucas Cooper enter the mine. Oak ignores her weird and tells her he’s going to stop Raleigh. Denise tells Oak he has to kill Raleigh. He’s a man on a mission and he’s insane. Oak tells her he’ll take care of Raleigh permanently, but he’s got to go because he believes Lucas and Raleigh might have arranged a rendezvous so Lucas can help Raleigh disappear and remain free.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Lucas finds the priest’s casket partially revealed, jutting out from the wall. He tries to shove it back inside the wall where he and Raleigh buried it but it’s stuck. He goes in search of tools.
Volunteers Willie Klein and Paul Wayne arrive. They look around, then run for the mine entrance. They squeeze past the sign and caution tape and enter the mine.
Lucas searches the Drilling Chamber for tools. He finds a large hammer and chisel, sets them aside. He grabs a shovel.
Kenny Marshall sees Lucas, follows him back to the coffin. Kenny attacks Lucas, knocks him out with a blow to the head. He takes the shovel and uses it to dig the coffin out. The demon horde is excitedly whispering.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Oak searches slowly and carefully. He hears the whispers of the horde of demons. He follows the sound.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Willie Klein and Paul Wayne separate to save time. They each go off in search of the cross.
INT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Raleigh quickly eats food prepared for him by Stephanie. He asks her where Lucas is and she tells him he went to the mine. He asks if he took the explosives but Stephanie doesn’t know. Raleigh checks where Lucas had explosives hidden. They are still there. He takes two sticks of dynamite and stuffs them in his shirt. When he goes to retrieve Oak’s gun it’s gone. He turns to see Stephanie holding it.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall tosses the shovel aside, pulls the coffin out from the wall. He notices the Latin inscription on the coffin lid. He opens the coffin and jerks back. Inside is the perfectly-preserved body of an Exorcist-Priest from almost 300 years ago. Marshall calls out to Ephippas to appear before him. Ephippas is the demon of the wind. He calls Ephippas to provide protection from the demons inside the priest’s corpse and for any human who would try to interfere with him. Nothing happens. The demons inside the corpse whisper, restless. Marshall gets nervous. He checks Lucas, who is still out cold.
INT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Stephanie holds the gun. Raleigh takes a step back. He tells her he’s got to get to Lucas before something happens. That thing will kill him! Stephanie lowers the gun, hands it to him. She tells him she never believed what they said about him in court and on TV. That wife of yours – “Ex-wife,” Raleigh cuts her off. Raleigh takes the gun, collects the stun gun and tells her to lock the doors and not let anyone in.
Oak Harris pulls up in Stephanie’s driveway. He gets out of the car, takes out his gun. He circles the property.
INT. / EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Inside, Raleigh moves to the back door. Stephanie looks out the front window. She sees the police car.
Raleigh steps out the back door. He is hit by Oak, sending him down the steps and into the dirt. The gun flies out from his pants. Raleigh surrenders, tells Oak not to shoot. Stephanie comes to the back door. Oak picks up Raleigh punches him in the face. He prevents him from falling and punches him in the gut. Raleigh doubles over. The two sticks of dynamite drop to the ground. Oak is distracted by that. Raleigh pulls out the taser and stuns Oak. Oak drops. Raleigh collects the dynamite.
EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Stephanie steps out and tells Raleigh that Oak’s car is out front. Raleigh takes the keys from Oak, grabs his gun and tears the radio off his shirt and takes them. Raleigh runs around to the front of the house. Stephanie gets in the passenger side of Oak’s car. Raleigh gets in the driver’s side and tells Stephanie she can’t go with him because it’s too dangerous. She tells him it’s going to be more dangerous staying here when that racist cop wakes up. Raleigh drives off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine pulls up to the mine in her car with Deputy Johnson. They check the mine entrance. Chris tells Johnson to stay outside while she goes inside to check. She tells him not to shoot Raleigh unless he has to.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine uses her flashlight but keeps one hand on her gun.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
The demons whisper to Kenny Marshall, ordering him to open the coffin and release them. Marshall forces the lid open. He stares at the priest’s body. He runs his fingers across the huge gold cross. Marshall forces the demons to promise him riches and power. The demons are angry, but they acquiesce. Marshall lifts the gold cross off the corpse. Its eyes open. One hand grabs Marshall by the throat and throttles him. Marshall drops the cross. It falls on the priest’s chest and burns him. The demons inside shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the ground. The priest drops Marshall’s lifeless body, which falls on top of the cross. The priest rises. He sees the unconscious Lucas and walks over to him.
INT. POLICE CAR – NIGHT
In Deputy Harris’ car, Raleigh listens to the police band. He hears about the search for him. He hears that there was a report of someone entering the mine. Raleigh drives faster.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Paul Wayne searches. He hears whispers. He follows the sound until he sees the priest from behind, walking away from him. Wayne calls out to him. Keene turns and gestures for Wayne to come to him. Wayne realizes he’s a priest. He asks what he’s doing down here and tells him it’s not safe. Raleigh Douglass escaped. The sheriff believes he’s on his way here. Upon hearing Raleigh’s name, multiple demons howl from inside Father Bartholomew Keene. Wayne stares in shock. He backs away. The priest reaches out to him. His eyes, ears, nose and mouth glow softly. The priest calls Paul Wayne by his full name and orders him to come to him. In terror, Wayne runs into the Tailings Room, where all of the waste rock is dumped. It ends in a solid wall of rock. He searches all along the wall for an exit but finds none. He turns and runs back to the entrance. The priest stands there, blocking his path. Wayne picks up a hammer and tells the priest to get out of his way. The priest walks slowly towards him, arms outstretched. Wayne pushes him but the priest grabs his arm with an iron grip. With his other hand he claws at Wayne’s throat. Wayne screams. The priest seizes his throat. Wayne pounds him with the hammer. Pieces of desiccated flesh break off the corpse. The glow from Keene’s eyes, nose, ears and mouth intensifies with each piece of flesh that flakes off his corpse. The demons laugh in pleasure, then strangle Wayne to death.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Hearing the scream, Christine uses her radio but gets nothing but static. Something is interfering with the radio. She draws her gun and carefully moves forward.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Stephanie pull up well before the mine at the site of a police car. They get out and spy Deputy Johnson near the entrance. Raleigh doesn’t know him, but Stephanie tells him he’s a new guy, only on the job a month. Stephanie causes a diversion to get Johnson away from the mine so Raleigh can sneak inside. Due to Stephanie’s story, Johnson calls for backup.
EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Denise pulls up at Lucas Cooper’s house. Oak Harris is staggering just outside the front door. Oak tosses her from the car and drives off in it, headed for the mine. Denise pulls out her cellphone and calls Sheriff Knickerbocker. He’s retired, so he can give her an exclusive. He agrees, so she tells him everything.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine finds the body of Paul Wayne. She wonders if Raleigh killed him. She tries her radio again, to no avail. She decides she has to exit the mine and regroup.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Willie Klein sneaks around, whispering for Paul. He see Christine, hides to avoid her. When he’s sure she’s gone, he resumes his search.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh searches and is caught by Christine, who aims her gun at him.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene searches for a way out. The demons argue among themselves inside him about the stupidity of killing Marshall, Wayne and Klein before finding the way out. One of them remembers the unconscious body of Lucas Cooper. Keene goes back to find him.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh pleads with Christine. He tells her what is at stake and promises to surrender to her after he finds the corpse and makes sure it’s still hidden. Christine tells him about finding Paul Wayne’s body. She knows Raleigh didn’t do it because he’s coming in and there’s only one way in and out of this mine. Raleigh tells her there is another way out, but it might not be accessible anymore. She is skeptical, but she tells him to lead on. She will stay behind him with her gun at his back.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Outside, Deputy Johnson realizes that Stephanie is messing with him and wonders why. He searches and finds Deputy Harris’s police car. He calls for backup. Oak Harris pulls up in Denise Washington’s car. Stephanie sees him and runs off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Klein falls into an open hole in the mine, barely catching on to the edge of the floor above. He calls for help.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
At the mine entrance, Johnson, Oak Harris and Deputy Hugh Taylor commiserate. Oak claims Raleigh assaulted him and took his gun. He is armed and dangerous and must be shot on sight.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Stephanie watches the three cops from her hiding place. She sneaks off up the side of the hill.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene arrives at the spot where Lucas’ body was lying. He is gone. The demons argue again, sending the corpse bouncing off the walls in rage. Hearing Klein’s call for help, the demons stop arguing. Keene walks slowly off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas watches Keene from a hiding place. He sneaks away.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh surreptitiously switches off the radio so he can hear the police chatter if he can escape from Christine, not realizing it doesn’t work down here. He explains the story of Bartholomew Keene to Christine.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Klein hears someone coming. He shouts louder and gives thanks to God. A hand extends to him. He grasps it and is pulled up. On his knees, he releases the hand, notices dead, flaky skin on his fingers. He looks up to see Bartholomew Keene standing over him. Keene lifts him off his feet by his neck and strangles him, burning out his eyes, nose, ears and mouth. Keene’s orifices glow more brightly as he drinks in Klein’s soul.
EXT. HILL ABOVE MINE – NIGHT
Stephanie searches for the mine shaft vent. She finds it almost completely concealed by dirt and rocks. She starts digging with her hands, but finds it too difficult. She sneaks away.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Oak searches. He hears noise up ahead and hides. Lucas sneaks by in the direction of the exit. Oak grabs him, punches him several times until he drops. On his knees, Lucas tells Oak he won’t fight him. He’s done nothing wrong. Oak accuses him of aiding and abetting the escape of a convicted murderer. Lucas tells him that the body of Bartholomew Keene is missing. Oak tells him he doesn’t believe that nonsense about demons. Lucas says he can show him the coffin. Oak tells him he’s going to show Lucas a coffin with his name on it if he doesn’t tell him where Raleigh Douglass is hiding. Lucas tells him he hasn’t seen Raleigh in more than a year. Oak says that’s the wrong answer and hits Lucas again. He picks Lucas up by the scruff of his neck. Oak tells him he’s going to use Lucas as a human shield until he finds Raleigh.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker and Denise Washington arrive at the mine. He gets an update from Deputy Johnson, then goes inside with Deputy Taylor to search. He won’t let Denise go inside. Angry, she walks off.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Out of sight of the mine, Denise sees Stephanie Cooper picking her way across the hilltop with a shovel and other tools. She ducks out of sight and then follows Stephanie.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
The demons inside Keene argue again. Many complain about killing the three men, saying one of them could have led them out of the mine. We must not make that mistake again. One exception: Raleigh Douglass. If we find him, we will rip him to shreds, torture him to death for what he has done to us.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh makes it to the spot he had buried the body. He sees the open casket and the dead body of Kenny Marshall with his orifices burned out. He checks Marshall’s neck and pulse to make sure he’s dead. He remembers Marshall from the trial. Marshall is Arnold Fanning’s illegitimate brother. I knew he was involved somehow. He must have dug up the coffin. But why did the demons kill him? Christine asks about the Latin inscription, Raleigh tells her. He tells her about the cross, which must be recovered if they are to neutralize the corpse with the demons inside.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas leads Oak through the mine, hoping for a chance to escape. Bartholomew Keene steps out to block their way. Lucas gasps, tries to run but Oak catches him and slugs him, knocking him down. Oak orders Keene to identify himself. The collection of demon voices answers: “I am legion. For we are many.” Oak steps back, unnerved. The multiple voices coming from the priest, who looks strange, is bizarre. Lucas tells Oak that’s the corpse of an Exorcist-Priest named Bartholomew Keene, who died in the late 17th Century. Oak sees the skin flake off Keene’s body. He asks Keene if he’s seen Raleigh Douglass. The collection of demon voices shrieks thunderously. Oak stumbles back. Lucas runs. Keene launches himself across the divide at Oak, tackling him. He gets up, lifts Oak off his feet with one hand and orders him to show him the way out of the mine.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas runs, screaming for help.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine hear Lucas’ cry for help, coming from far away. Raleigh runs but Christine shouts for him to stop. He turns to see her aiming her gun at him. She can’t take the chance that this might be a trick to escape. She tells him to go slowly.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Outside, Stephanie digs out the mine vent. Denise watches.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Knickerbocker and Taylor decide to split up to search for the source of the screaming.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene holds onto Oak’s arm. Oak sneaks a gun out of his holster, jams it into the priest’s side and fires repeatedly. The priest is pushed back a step. Skin drops off the corpse. The areas of penetration glow, seething with energy trying to escape. The demon voices thank Oak and tell him to shoot every bullet. Oak stares in disbelief. “Raleigh told the truth.” The demons go wild. Keene seizes Oak by the throat, throttles him but stops short of killing him. He drops to the ground, clutching at his throat. The demon voices order him not to say that name again. Keene orders him to get up and lead him out. Oak staggers to his feet. Keene warns him if he tries to escape he will kill him.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Deputy John Moss arrives at the mine. He joins Deputy Johnson at the entrance and convinces Johnson to go inside to help the search while he remains outside to guard the entrance. When Moss is alone, he takes out a cellphone and dials.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Denise picks up her phone. She speaks with the voice of Ephippas, the Demon of the Wind. She tells Moss, who she calls “Fanning,” that Stephanie is opening up an alternate escape path that they might be able to use. When Stephanie finishes opening the vent, Denise will kill her. If anyone tries to leave the mine, Fanning (Moss) is to kill them.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Deputy Taylor comes upon Keene and Oak. He can see that Oak is a prisoner. He orders Keene to stand back and to release Oak. The collection of demon voices chuckles. Taylor stares, confused. Oak tells him to run and bring back help, everyone he can find. Keene seizes Oak by the neck and lifts him off his feet. He throttles him. Taylor shoots. Oak struggles to tell him not to shoot, but Keene chokes him into unconsciousness. Taylor unloads every bullet into Keene. He drops Oak to the ground. Energy throbs from multiple holes in Keene’s corpse. Plugs of skin drop to the ground. The collection of demon voices explodes with raucous laughter. Taylor runs. Keene launches himself after him but barely misses Taylor. Keene hits the ground hard. His body lies there, unmoving. Oak lies unconscious.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Taylor runs into Lucas Cooper. Hysterical, he tells him what happened. Lucas tells him they have to find the gold cross and use it to neutralize Keene. Taylor thinks he’s crazy, but Lucas tells him it’s the only way to stop Keene. He tells him that everything Raleigh Douglass said about Keene and Arnold Fanning was true. Raleigh is not a murderer. Taylor acknowledges what he saw and agrees to help Lucas find the cross.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine hear what sounds like whispering. The ground shakes. A huge old miner’s chisel drops from a ledge right between them. They both sigh in relief. Raleigh picks it up. Christine admonishes him with a look. Self-defense, he tells her. I would never hurt you, Chris. The sound we heard must have been from the quake. Raleigh disagrees. It was them. I know those voices. Raleigh moves forward in the direction of the voices. Christine kneels to examine something shining from under the dirt where the chisel hit, a shadow falls across her. She hops aside as the Exorcist-Priest falls on the spot she just vacated. Raleigh pulls Christine to her feet. Father Keene bounces to his feet and turns. Raleigh runs and with all his strength slams the chisel into Keene’s belly, impaling him and driving him into the wall. Keene drops face-first to the ground. Shaking badly, Raleigh slumps against the wall. He sinks to his knees, weak from exertion. Christine circles Keene’s body. The chisel has gone completely through his body. No movement. No light coming from his orifices. They just might have silenced the demons. She gets down beside Raleigh, hugs him. “You did it!” The chisel explodes out from Keene’s body, blinding light seeping from the gaping wound in his mid-section. Facing away from them, Keene bounces to his feet. Keene catches the chisel, raps it into his palm. Raleigh and Christine rise shakily to their feet. They quietly move away along the wall. Keene turns to face them. Keene fires the chisel at them. It goes right through the collar of Christine’s shirt, pinning her to the wall.
Keene LAUNCHES himself at her –
Raleigh steps in the way –
Keene bowls him over, then hits the ground.
Raleigh is slammed against the wall.
Christine struggles to break free.
Keene gets to his knees.
Christine kicks Keene in the face.
Keene grabs her leg, pulls himself up.
Keene gets in Christine’s face.
Christine grabs the crucifix around her neck and
SHOVES it in Keene’s face.
The Demon Voices SCREAM in agony.
Keene recoils in horror. His body flips end-over-end and hits the ground.
Christine TEARS free from her uniform shirt.
Raleigh grabs her arm. They both run for their lives.
INT. HAULAGE WAY – NIGHT
Raleigh tells Christine he believes that the demons imprisoned inside the priest’s body are some of the most powerful and important fallen angels cast out of Heaven. Without them, Satan is incapable of fulfilling his plans. He believes the earthquake somehow dislodged the coffin. Christine asks if the quake caused the cross to come off the body. Raleigh says he was told that was impossible, that only a human being could remove it, but now he doesn’t know.
Raleigh and Christine find a minecart. Christine steps inside. Raleigh pushes and the cart increases speed. When it gets going fast he climbs inside. The Exorcist-Priest pops up from inside it where he was hiding.
Battling the priest inside an accelerating minecart, Raleigh & Christine push the corpse out into an open mine shaft. The priest’s body disappears. Christine and Raleigh jump out just before the minecart crashes into a wall. Lucas catches up to them with dynamite. Despite the danger of a cave-in, he looks down upon the priest’s still body at the bottom of the shaft, lights a stick and drops it. The mine rains down rocks and debris. They look back down the shaft to see the area covered in rocks and dirt.
Deputy Taylor finds them. Against Christine’s objections, he arrests Raleigh and Lucas. He cuffs Raleigh and asks Christine to cuff Lucas. She tells Taylor that what Raleigh said is true. There is a corpse with a horde of demons inside. Taylor wonders if she’s on drugs or just delusional from the cave-in. Taylor tells her to cuff Lucas or he’ll take her handcuffs and do it himself. She does but shares a knowing look with Lucas. She doesn’t secure the cuffs.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Deputy Knickerbocker finds Marshall’s dead body. He rolls him over. The cross is under his body. Knickerbocker picks it up, his jaw drops. FLASHBACK: Raleigh being handcuffed by Knickerbocker. Raleigh tells him the only thing keeping those demons imprisoned is the cross that was blessed with a prayer to keep the demons inside and to keep the priest’s body incorruptible. Return to present: Knickerbocker has the cross but doesn’t know what the prayer is.
Knickerbocker tucks the cross inside his shirt and goes in pursuit. He hears the sound of digging. He goes over to a hole in the ground. He sees hands reaching out from under a pile of rock and debris. A soft voice cries for help. Knickerbocker asks who it is. The hands dig faster. Knickerbocker helps dig. His hand is seized. The priest’s head pops out from under the dirt. It talks about a tragedy from the old sheriff’s past. Knickerbocker stares, wide-eyed, as the priest rises from the debris. When it lets go of him to stand, he jumps back and rolls away from the hole. Knickerbocker pulls his gun and aims . . .
FLASHBACK . . . A handcuffed Raleigh telling him that the demons want the priest’s body destroyed so they will be free.
Knickerbocker leans over for a closer look. The cross falls out from under his jacket and hits the priest. Multiple voices shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the dirt. The imprint of the cross has been burned into the Exorcist-Priest’s outer cassock. The demons howl. Knickerbocker gets to his feet. The demon leaps up and grabs onto the edge of the hole.
Knickerbocker stumbles away in full retreat. The Exorcist-Priest hauls himself up, a dozen blended voices cursing softly, and gets to his feet. It pursues Knickerbocker, calling his name and preying on his guilt from past mistakes.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Knickerbocker runs into Taylor, Raleigh, Christine and Lucas. He tells them what happened. Taylor shakes his head, thinks Knickerbocker is an old fool and has probably gone senile. Raleigh tells him they must retrieve the cross but Taylor is dismissive. Knickerbocker agrees and tells them how the priest reacted when the cross hit him. The priest reaches them, calls out in its collective voice. Taylor is momentarily paralyzed. Knickerbocker tells him that the priest is going to kill them all Taylor orders the priest to stop, but he continues walking towards him. The priest sniffs Taylor, mentions Taylor’s personal guilt and tells Taylor he is going to kill him. Taylor strikes the priest with his nightstick. The priest seizes his wrist and makes him drop it, then grabs him by the neck and tears his head off.
INT. 2ND LEVEL TUNNEL – NIGHT
Knickerbocker, Christine, Raleigh and Lucas run to retrieve the cross. Knickerbocker stumbles into the priest and screams for help, but falls through the same hole that Paul Wayne fell through. Raleigh, Christine and Lucas hear Knickerbocker’s scream cut short. The priest looks down but Knickerbocker isn’t moving, having landed on Wayne’s body. The priest hears Raleigh calling for Knickerbocker and hides. When Raleigh, Lucas and Christine arrive, the Exorcist-Priest lunges at them, knocking them down like bowling pins.
Raleigh jumps to his feet while Lucas and Christine rush to recover the cross. The Exorcist-Priest grabs Lucas by the ankle and reels him in. Raleigh charges. The Exorcist-Priest releases Lucas and backs Raleigh into a corner. The Exorcist-Priest tells Raleigh he knows who he is and lunges for him. Raleigh ducks under him. The priest turns to find –
The cross right in his face, held by Christine, her hands shaking. The Exorcist-Priest is frozen still. Christine holds it while Raleigh and Lucas try to drag the priest’s body away but it is incredibly heavy. They find an old wheel barrel, push him into it and drag it away. A minor quake knocks them down and Christine loses the cross. The priest crawls lightning-fast after Raleigh and grabs his ankle. Lucas jumps on the priest’s back but it rolls over and kicks him in the face. Raleigh punches the priest to no effect. The priest grabs Raleigh, lifts him into the air with one hand and chokes him. Christine recovers the cross and shoves it right into the priest’s face. The collection of voices screams. The image of the cross is burned into his face. The priest slowly drops to his knees. Christine shouts for him to help. Raleigh drags the priest the rest of the way and hurls him into his old coffin. The voices plead for release, alternately threaten and entice with rewards. Christine lays the cross on his chest with a sizzling sound. The priest’s eyes close.
They push the wheel barrel along a rail, up an incline that returns them to the first level of the mine.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh, Lucas and Christine exit the mine. They are stopped by the possessed deputy. He cuffs Raleigh even though Christine tells him it’s not necessary. The deputy shoots Christine and Lucas, then drags Raleigh back inside so he can find the priest and release the demons.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh tries to lead him astray, but the deputy sniffs the air and follows the scent. Raleigh asks why he hasn’t killed him if he can track the priest without him. The deputy says he needs Raleigh to do a job for him, then he will set him free. Raleigh knows what the job is and he refuses to lead Moss to the Exorcist-Priest. Moss is furious, the disembodied voice of Arnold Fanning emerges, swearing vengeance for Raleigh having killed him, but he tells Raleigh that he’s going to allow the horde of demons to torture Raleigh with him.
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker blasts the deputy with a shotgun. He helps Raleigh out of the mine. Outside, Christine is being tended to by paramedics. She will live but Lucas is dead. Knickerbocker asks why the demon inside the deputy didn’t kill Raleigh. Raleigh tells him that he needed him alive because only a living human being can remove the cross. A corpse animated by a demon can’t do it.
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