Lesson 16: Exchange Feedback

[David Wetzel]

Dave Wetzel’s Outline Version 1

• Title: DIRE FALLS

• Logline: At Dire Falls Preparatory School, an aimless soul, a disillusioned war veteran and band of students fight evil both from within and the pits of hell.

• Horror Outline:

1. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

A terrified student runs along a dark passage, horrible growls can be heard close behind. The student pulls on an old metal door, but he can’t open it.

2. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

The student finally opens the door and evades the demon, but only for a moment and is soon killed by an unseen evil.

3. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

The school is buzzing with the news of the attack. There’s a rumor going around that a similar string of attacks happened at the school twenty years ago.

A small band of student mystery solvers discusses the murder during study hall, the janitor, “Nearest,” overhears them.

4. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer is a new administrative assistant and Nearest (a janitor and war veteran) are friends and having lunch together, Nearest tells Jennifer about the gang’s interest in the killing.

Nearest tells Jennifer that the gang is known for solving small time mysteries around school.

5. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean of the school and a visiting priest, Deacon Malum, tell the students the student must have been killed by a wild animal and not to spread crazy rumors.

6. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest tell the gang not to get involved in the school investigation since it could be dangerous.

Discreetly, the gang plan to ignore the warnings and continue their own investigation.

7. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

That night, a violent snowstorm hits the area, the bridge to school is knocked out and the whole student body is socked in on the school grounds.

8. INT – LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT

During the violent storm, a student is brutally murdered inside the locker room and the body is taken down a secret passageway.

Nearest finds the blood in the locker room and alerts the dean, Deacon Malum is on the scene too.

9. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

One of the gang overhears the conversation among the faculty, the gang are sure evil is afoot.

They find a hidden book in a dark corner of the library.

10. INT – DORM ROOM – NIGHT

Another student is attacked inside his dorm room by the demon which entered through a secret passageway inside the dorms.

11. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean and Deacon Malum assert that the student had a history of mental health issues and was a three-time run away before this disappearance.

The gang are not buying the story and want to investigate the case.

They piece together that both the students share a first name with an apostle.

12. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest are sure that evil is afoot and begin to research the school’s dark history.

Jennifer confides in Nearest that she feels lost in life and she doesn’t know what her true path in life is supposed to be.

She tells Nearest that if she ever figures out what that is she’d buy a car like Nearest’s 1969 Camero (nicknamed Lucille) and never look back.

13. INT – JENNIFER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer tries to recover from the horrible events, the demon appears in the shape of a troubled student and is about to attack when Nearest appears, the demon resumes the form of the student and leaves.

14. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

Jennifer confides in Nearest about her synesthesia abilities and says she senses a red aura around anything evil and sees it around Deacon Malum.

Jennifer is embarrassed because she’s not sure of what she sees as real or a hallucination from her former days as an opioid addict.

Nearest confides in his loss of faith and that he’s familiar with addiction as a recovering alcoholic and tells her to trust her instincts.

Their research uncovers the similarities of the attacks that occurred twenty years ago.

The gang overhears Jennifer and Nearest conversation and tells them they want to help, Jennifer and Nearest are reluctant but relent.

15. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer is in the chapel; she notices the painting behind the statue of Saint Micheal of archangels fighting demons from hell.

She notices one of the demons, Yog-Formido, resembles what a student described earlier.

The dean arrives and tries to lend some comfort and is killed from behind by the demon.

Jennifer and the gang see a long, tall dark figure running behind an old statue of a gargoyle in the chapel.

16. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang and Jennifer follow the dark figure down the passageway, another student follows along.

17. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Jennifer and the gang observe the demon and come upon a bright yellow / orange portal to hell.

Renny tries to tackle the demon but is thrown off, the demon slashes the throat of the student that tagged along.

Tom has his stomach slashed open by the demon’s claws and it disappears with the dead student into the portal to hell.

18. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang helps carry Tom back up the passageway, at the top is Deacon Malum.

Jennifer sees the red aura around the deacon and is sure he’s evil.

19. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – NIGHT

The gang get Tom cared for, Nearest arrives Jennifer tells him about the demon and the attack and her suspicions about Deacon Malum.

20. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Deacon Malum summons the demon back and orders it kill Jennifer, Nearest and the gang.

21. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Nearest digs out his army old service revolver from his footlocker and makes sure he has bullets.

He also sifts through other items but they’re unseen at the moment.

22. INT – GYM – DAY

Jennifer sees Marley working out on a boxing dummy with a police baton.

Marley is frustrated that Terry won’t pay her enough attention.

Jennifer assures Marley that she’s awesome and any guy would be lucky to have her for a girlfriend.

23. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

The gang with Jennifer and Nearest regroup in the school chapel.

24. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

The gang confront Deacon Malum and the demon at the portal to hell, the gang try to fight the demon but he’s too strong.

Nearest shoots the demon but his bullets don’t hurt it.

One bullet ricochets off the demon and seems to kill Deacon Malum who falls into the portal to hell.

The demon follows the deacon into hell and gang escapes.

25. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang begin to look for clues about the demon and what it wants.

They learn that the demon comes out every twenty years and must kill twelve students with the same first name of the apostles to escape the school grounds.

They learn the demon can be harmed by holy objects and a sword gifted by a saint can pierce its skin.

The demon can take and shape of any living human / animal, but its true appearance is revealed in the reflection of any holy object.

The demon is not alone and there are four other demons in portals to hell under other Catholic schools with a dark history.

Tom also tells Jennifer that the old scroll inside the book they found relates that anyone who has been gifted the sword of a saint by a saint or an angel must find the other four demons and destroy them.

Nearest is nearby and can hear the whole conversation but leaves Jennifer and the kids alone to bond.

26. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Nearest is alone in the chapel and rediscovers his faith in God, the statue of Saint Michael seems to come alive and gifts Nearest with the sword of Saint Michael.

27. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer, Nearest and the gang arrive at the chapel, ready to face the demon, armed with their new knowledge and resolve.

28. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Renny and the gang are all armed with various holy objects that take turns hurting the demon.

It tries to escape to hell but Nearest blocks its path, they battle and Nearest stabs the demon in the side with the sword.

As the demon is dying and falling into hell, it impales Nearest and takes him along with it!

Nearest gifts Jennifer the sword of Saint Micheal and she sees an aura of a white and a halo over Nearest’s head, he has
become an archangel.

Nearest yells at Jennifer to look deep inside his footlocker in his room as he falls into the pits of hell.

29. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY

The snowstorm breaks and the bridge to school is repaired, the authorities arrive, the school is safe.

30. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang visit Tom who is still recovering from the wounds.

Jennifer and the gang talk about their adventure and examine the newly gifted sword of Saint Michael.

Jennifer tells them that she’s leaving school, she has finally found her purpose in life.

31. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer enters Nearest’s bedroom and finds his old army footlocker.

Jennifer discovers a false bottom in the locker and finds a cache of hundreds of thousands of dollars wrapped in neatly packed bundles.

There’s a note on top of the money from Nearest, he tells her he thinks that she’s found her purpose in life and to take Lucille and to hunt down the other four demons and finish God’s work.

32. INT – SCHOOL SHOP CLASS – DAY

Terry, Johnny and Marley marvel at Renny’s handiwork on a new storage case for the sword of St. Michael.

33. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer sits alone and prays for the strength to complete her noble quest.

The gang arrive and they all hug and promise to stay in touch with each other.

Marley gifts Jennifer with Renny’s new storage case for the sword of Saint Michael.

They all wander back over to the painting behind the statue of Saint Michael.

They’re all astonished to see what appears to be Nearest in the painting, battling Yog-Formido in the pits of hell alongside other heavenly archangels.

34. EXT – TRAIN CROSSING – DAY

Jennifer sits in Lucille at a traffic signal, waiting for the train to pass.

As the train flies by, Jennifer spots Deacon Malum riding onboard.

After the train passes, Jennifer punches the gas and Lucille fish tails down the road towards the speeding train, on a mission from God.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.

[Dean Burkey]

Hi David,
Great job. A lot of intricate info to follow, but still intriguing and engaging.
My only thought is that the epilogue seems too long. Consider ending it with the discovery of Nearest in the painting. Jennifer could say this fight is far from over. The End!
Or then Jennifer tells the gang she has to go after the other four demons. Quick clip of her finding the money and the car keys at Nearest's place. As she drives off, one of the gang calls to say they heard news reports of a similar occurrence at the next location she goes to visit.
All The Best,
Dean
PS Remember I’m only going by the brief outline that I read. You know your whole story. Plus, who am I to talk? My epilogue’s long to match my opening prologue and to reveal the sinister source of the Myst. Something about seeing Nearest in the painting made me think that would be a great ending. A great visual with a Twilight Zone feel.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Dean Burkey.

[David Wetzel]

Hi Dean,

Thanks so much for looking at my outline, great thoughts on the epilogue, I'll work on trimming that up, I've been out of town sorry for the slow response.

I'll check yours out Sunday,

Thanks!
Dave

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.

[David Wetzel]

Dave Wetzel’s Outline Version 2

• Title: DIRE FALLS

• Logline: At Dire Falls Preparatory School, an aimless soul, a faithless war veteran and band of students fight evil both from within and the pits of hell.

• Horror Outline:

1. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

A terrified student runs along a dark passage, growls can be heard close behind.

The student pulls on an old metal door, but he can’t open it.

2. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

The student finally opens the door and evades the demon, but only for a moment and is soon killed by an unseen evil.

3. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

The school is buzzing with the news of the attack.

There’s a rumor going around that a similar string of attacks happened at the school twenty years ago.

A small band of student mystery solvers discusses the murder during study hall, the janitor, “Nearest,” overhears them.

4. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer is a new administrative assistant and Nearest (a janitor and war veteran) are friends and having lunch together, Nearest tells Jennifer about the gang’s interest in the killing.

Nearest tells Jennifer that the gang is known for solving small time mysteries around school.

5. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean of the school and a visiting priest, Deacon Malum, tell the students the student must have been killed by a wild animal and not to spread crazy rumors.

6. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest tell the gang not to get involved in the school investigation since it could be dangerous.

Discreetly, the gang plan to ignore the warnings and continue their own investigation.

7. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

That night, a violent snowstorm hits the area, the bridge to school is knocked out and the whole student body is socked in on the school grounds.

8. INT – LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT

During the violent storm, a student is brutally murdered inside the locker room and the body is taken down a secret passageway.

Nearest finds the blood in the locker room and alerts the dean, Deacon Malum is on the scene too.

9. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

One of the gang overhears the conversation among the faculty, the gang are sure evil is afoot.

They find a hidden book in a dark corner of the library.

10. INT – DORM ROOM – NIGHT

Another student is attacked inside his dorm room by the demon which entered through a secret passageway inside the dorms.

11. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean and Deacon Malum assert that the student had a history of mental health issues and was a three-time run away before this disappearance.

The gang are not buying the story and want to investigate the case.

They piece together that both the students share a first name with an apostle.

12. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest are sure that evil is afoot and begin to research the school’s dark history.

Jennifer confides in Nearest that she feels lost in life and she doesn’t know what her true path in life is supposed to be.

She tells Nearest that if she ever figures out what that is she’d buy a car like Nearest’s 1969 Camero (nicknamed Lucille) and never look back.

13. INT – JENNIFER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer tries to recover from the horrible events, the demon appears in the shape of a student and is about to attack when Nearest appears.

The demon resumes the form of the student and leaves.

14. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

Jennifer confides in Nearest about her synesthesia abilities and says she senses a red aura around anything evil and sees it around Deacon Malum.

Jennifer is embarrassed because she’s not sure of what she sees as real or a hallucination from her former days as an opioid addict.

Nearest confides in his loss of faith and that he’s familiar with addiction as a recovering alcoholic and tells her to trust her instincts.

Their research uncovers the similarities of the attacks that occurred twenty years ago.

The gang overhears Jennifer and Nearest conversation and tells them they want to help, Jennifer and Nearest are reluctant but relent.

15. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer is in the chapel; she notices the painting behind the statue of Saint Micheal of archangels fighting demons from hell.

She notices one of the demons, Yog-Formido, resembles what a student described earlier.

The dean arrives and tries to lend some comfort and is killed from behind by the demon.

Jennifer and the gang see a long, tall dark figure running behind an old statue of a gargoyle in the chapel.

16. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang and Jennifer follow the dark figure down the passageway, another student follows along.

17. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Jennifer and the gang observe the demon and come upon a bright yellow / orange portal to hell.

Renny tries to tackle the demon but is thrown off, the demon slashes the throat of the student that tagged along.

Tom has his stomach slashed open by the demon’s claws and it disappears with the dead student into the portal to hell.

18. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang helps carry Tom back up the passageway, at the top is Deacon Malum.

Jennifer sees the red aura around the deacon and is sure he’s evil.

19. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – NIGHT

The gang get Tom cared for, Nearest arrives Jennifer tells him about the demon and the attack and her suspicions about Deacon Malum.

20. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Deacon Malum summons the demon back and orders it kill Jennifer, Nearest and the gang.

21. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Nearest digs out his army old service revolver from his footlocker and makes sure he has bullets.

He also sifts through other items but they’re unseen at the moment.

22. INT – GYM – DAY

Jennifer sees Marley working out on a boxing dummy with a police baton.

Marley is frustrated that Terry won’t pay her enough attention.

Jennifer assures Marley that she’s awesome and any guy would be lucky to have her for a girlfriend.

23. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

The gang with Jennifer and Nearest regroup in the school chapel.

24. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

The gang confront Deacon Malum and the demon at the portal to hell, the gang try to fight the demon but he’s too strong.

Nearest shoots the demon but his bullets don’t hurt it.

One bullet ricochets off the demon and seems to kill Deacon Malum who falls into the portal to hell.

The demon follows the deacon into hell and gang escapes.

25. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang begin to look for clues about the demon and what it wants.

They learn that the demon comes out every twenty years and must kill twelve students with the same first name of the apostles to escape the school grounds.

They learn that the demon can be harmed by holy objects and a sword gifted by a saint can pierce its skin.

The demon can take and shape of any living human / animal, but its true appearance is revealed in the reflection of any holy object.

Tom tells the gang his research revealed the demon is not alone and there are four other demons in portals to hell under other Catholic schools with a dark history.

Anyone who has been gifted the sword of a saint by a saint or an angel must find the other four demons and destroy them.

Nearest is nearby and hears the story but leaves Jennifer and the kids alone to bond.

26. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Nearest is alone in the chapel and rediscovers his faith in God, the statue of Saint Michael comes to life and gifts Nearest with the sword of Saint Michael.

27. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer, Nearest and the gang arrive at the chapel, ready to face the demon, armed with their new knowledge and resolve.

28. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Renny and the gang are armed with various holy objects that take turns hurting the demon.

It tries to escape to hell but Nearest blocks its path, they battle and Nearest stabs the demon in the side with the sword.

As the demon is dying and falling into hell, it impales Nearest and takes him along with it!

Nearest gifts Jennifer the sword of Saint Micheal and she sees an aura of a white and a halo over Nearest’s head, he has become an archangel.

Nearest yells at Jennifer to look deep inside his footlocker as he falls into the pits of hell.

29. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY

The snowstorm breaks and the bridge to school is repaired, the authorities arrive, the school is safe.

30. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang visit Tom who is still recovering from the wounds.

Jennifer and the gang talk about their adventure and examine the newly gifted sword of Saint Michael.

Jennifer tells them that she’s leaving school, she has finally found her purpose in life.

31. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer enters Nearest’s bedroom and finds his old army footlocker.

Jennifer discovers a false bottom in the locker and finds a cache of hundreds of thousands of dollars wrapped in neatly packed bundles.

There’s a note on top of the money from Nearest, he tells her he thinks that she’s found her purpose in life.

Take Lucille and to hunt down the four other demons and finish God’s work.

32. INT – SCHOOL SHOP CLASS – DAY

Terry, Johnny and Marley marvel at Renny’s handiwork on a storage case for the sword of St. Michael.

33. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer sits alone and prays for the strength to complete her noble quest.

The gang arrive and they all hug and promise to stay in touch with each other.

Marley gifts Jennifer with Renny’s new storage case for the sword of Saint Michael.

They wander back over to the painting behind the statue of Saint Michael.

They’re all astonished to see what appears to be Nearest in the painting, battling Yog-Formido in the pits of hell alongside other heavenly archangels.

34. EXT – TRAIN CROSSING – DAY

Jennifer sits in Lucille at a traffic signal, waiting for the train to pass.

When the train passes, Jennifer spots Deacon Malum riding onboard.

Jennifer punches the gas and races to catch the speeding train, on a mission from God.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.

[Dean Burkey]

Way to go Dave. I think of it this way: Once you blow up the shark, you just paddle back to shore. So good job wrapping things up quickly. We see Jennifer driving Nearest’s car, so that tells us a lot right there.
All The Best,
Dean

[David Wetzel]

Thanks Dean!

Good luck on your project, it’s an awesome premise!

Take care, enjoy your holidays and be well!

[David Wetzel]

Dave Wetzel’s Outline Version 3

• Title: DIRE FALLS

• Logline: At Dire Falls Preparatory School, an aimless soul, a faithless war veteran and band of students fight evil both from within and the pits of hell.

• Horror Outline:

DIRE FALLS

1. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

A terrified student runs along a dark passage, growls can be heard close behind.

The student pulls on an old metal door, but he can’t open it.

Horror Situation: A terrified student runs along a dark passageway.

• Anxiety: The student is anxious as he approaches an unseen hooded figure.

• Shock: The student’s eyes open wide in shock as the shadow of a tall unseen figure emerges from a glowing portal.

• Fear: The student runs in horror as the demon chases him.

• Hysteria: The hysterical student pulls hard at the old metal door as the demon moves ever closer.

• Release: At the last second, the student pries the door open and dashes outside!

2. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

The student finally opens the door and evades the demon, but only for a moment.

Horror Situation: The student is torn to pieces and left on the snowy school grounds.

• Anxiety: The student is anxious as he tries to catch his breath and get to his feet.

• Shock: The student’s eyes open wide in shock as he hears a deep guttural breathing behind him.

• Fear: The student slowly turns to see the demon standing over him!

• Panic: The student screams and tries to run away.

• Horror: The demon grabs the student and lifts him into the air and rips him to pieces!

3. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

The school is buzzing with the news of the attack. There’s a rumor going around that a similar string of attacks happened at the school twenty years ago.

A small band of student mystery solvers discusses the murder during study hall, the janitor, “Nearest,” overhears them.

4. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer is a new administrative assistant and Nearest (a faithless war veteran) are friends and having lunch together, Nearest tells Jennifer about the gang’s interest in the killing.

Nearest tells Jennifer that the gang is known for solving small time mysteries around school.

5. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean of the school and a visiting priest, Deacon Malum [David Dastmalchian], tell the students the student must have been killed by a wild animal and not to spread crazy rumors.

6. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest tell the gang not to get involved in the school investigation since it could be dangerous.

Discreetly, the gang plan to ignore the warnings and continue their own investigation.

7. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

That night, a violent snowstorm hits the area, the bridge to school is knocked out and the whole student body is socked in on the school grounds.

8. INT – LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT

That night, a student is brutally murdered inside the locker room and the body is taken down a secret passageway.

Nearest finds the blood in the locker room and alerts the dean, Deacon Malum is on the scene too.

Horror Situation: A student is killed in the locker room; the body is taken by the demon down a secret passageway to the locker room.

• Anxiety: A student is anxious about the attack on the student from earlier. She shares her concern with another girl in the locker room with her.

• Dread: The student hears a strange sound behind her, she turns around.

• Shock: The student’s eyes open wide in shock.

• Monster reveal: The demon appears in front of her!

• Hysteria: The student screams and tries to escape from the demon.

• Suspense: The student hides inside a locker as the demon passes her.

• Release: The student slowly emerges from the locker; all seems safe now.

• Horror: The student turns around and the demon is right behind her! It impales the student with its claws and drags the body into a secret opening into the locker room.

Nearest finds the blood in the locker room and alerts the dean, Deacon Malum is on the scene too.

9. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

One of the gang overhears the conversation and tells the others, they’re sure something evil is afoot.

They find a hidden book in a dark corner of the library.

10. INT – DORM ROOM – NIGHT

Another student is attacked inside his dorm room by the demon which entered through a secret passageway inside the dorms.

The student’s body is dragged away from the scene of the attack and down the passageway.

Horror Situation: A student is killed in a dorm room; the body is taken by the demon down a secret passageway.

• Anxiety: Another student is anxious about the attack on the student from earlier. She shares her concern with another girl in the dorm room with her.

• Dread: The student hears a strange sound behind her, she stops and turns around.

• Shock: The student’s eyes open wide in shock; something growls at her!

• Hysteria: The student screams and tries to escape from the demon.

• Suspense: The student hides inside a closet as the demon passes her.

• Release: The student slowly emerges from the closet; all seems safe now.

• Horror: The student turns around and the demon is right behind her! It slashes the student’s throat and drags the body down a secret opening into the locker room.

11. INT – SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

The dean and Deacon Malum assert that the student had a history of mental health issues and was a three-time run away before this disappearance.

The gang are not buying the story and want to investigate the case.

They piece together that both the students share a first name with an apostle.

12. INT – SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY

Jennifer and Nearest are sure that evil is afoot and begin to research the school’s dark history.

The attacks are similar in nature to attacks at the same school twenty years ago.

Jennifer confides in Nearest that she feels lost in life and she doesn’t know what her true path in life is supposed to be.

She tells Nearest that if she ever figures out what that is she’d buy a cool car like Nearest’s red 1969 Camero RS Coupe (nicknamed Lucille) and never look back.

Nearest tells Jennifer to put her faith in God and to “listen for the whispers,” and God will eventually show her the way.

13. INT – JENNIFER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer tries to recover from the horrible events, the demon appears in the shape of a troubled student and is about to attack.

Nearest appears at the door and the demon resumes the form of the student and leaves.

Horror Situation: Jennifer is confronted by the demon while she’s alone in her room.

• Anguish: Jennifer tries to gather herself from the attack at the portal.

• Suspense: Suddenly, Jennifer hears a creepy noise behind her.

• Release: Jennifer spins to reveal, CINDY (14) pint sized, long braided black hair, appealing, thin, looking troubled.

• Surprise/scare: Jennifer has her head turned as she closes the wardrobe door, when she closes the door.

• Monster reveal: When Jennifer closes the door, the horrible image of the demon appears in the mirror where Cindy was standing!

• Dread: An air of dread fills the room.

• Terror: Jennifer turns, Cindy is standing there but now there’s an eerie red “aura” around her! Cindy lowers her eyes, they now glow red, Cindy laughs menacingly, Jennifer is terrified!

• Release: Suddenly Nearest appears at the door, Cindy laughs (as a little girl again) and leaves, Jennifer rushes over to Nearest and gives him a hug.

14. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

Jennifer confides in Nearest about her synesthesia abilities and says she sees an evil red aura around Deacon Malum.

Jennifer is embarrassed because she’s not sure if what she sees as real or a hallucination from her former days as an opioid addict.

Nearest confides in his loss of faith and that he’s familiar with addiction as a recovering alcoholic and tells her to trust her instincts.

Their research uncovers the similarities of the attacks that occurred twenty years ago.

The gang overhears Jennifer and Nearest conversation and tells them they want to help, Jennifer and Nearest are reluctant but relent.

Tom has them all gather together to take a picture and capture the moment.

15. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer is in the chapel praying; she notices the painting behind the statue of Saint Micheal of archangels fighting demons from hell.

She notices one of the demons, Yog-Formido, resembles what she saw in her room earlier.

The dean arrives and tries to lend some comfort.

Horror Situation: The demon kills Dean Foy with its claws in front of Jennifer.

• Anxiety: Jennifer shares her feelings of anxiety with the dean over the killings.

• Dread: The As the dean is trying to lend Jennifer comfort she’s filled with dread and she sees a red “aura,” behind the dean.

• Shock: Jennifer is shocked to see the demon rise up behind the dean!

• Monster reveal: The demon is standing behind the dean!

• Horror: Jennifer is horrified as the demon impales the dean from behind with its huge claws!

• Panic: The gang arrive to see the attack and as the demon sprints towards a corner of the chapel.

• Apprehension: Jennifer and the gang see a tall, dark figure running behind an old statue of a gargoyle.

16. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang and Jennifer follow the demon down the passageway, another student follows along.

17. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Jennifer and the gang observe the demon come upon and bright yellow / orange portal to hell.

Renny tries to tackle the demon but is thrown off, the demon slashes the throat of the student that tagged along.

Tom has his stomach slashed open by the demon’s claws before it disappears with the dead student into the portal to hell.

Horror Situation: Jennifer and the gang confront the demon alone.

• Anxiety: Jennifer is anxious as she and the gang navigate the dark passageway to follow the demon.

• Dread: A sense of dread overcomes the gang as the eerie portal floats just around the bend.

• Monster reveal: The gang are shocked to see the demon appear at the portal!

• Hysteria: Renny tries to tackle the demon!

• Horror: The gang are horrified as demon kills the student that tagged along.

• Shock: Tom is shocked as the demon takes a swing at him and slashes his stomach with its claws! The demon takes the body of the dead student into the portal with it.

• Hysteria: Jennifer is hysterical as Terry and the guys help Tom to his feet, they all scramble back up the passageway to safety.

• Release: The wound to Tom’s stomach looks bad but he says it’s not too deep.

18. INT – DARK PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT

The gang helps carry Tom back up the passageway, at the top is Deacon Malum.

Jennifer sees the red aura around the deacon and is sure he’s evil.

19. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – NIGHT

The gang get Tom cared for, Nearest arrives Jennifer tells him about the demon and the attack and her suspicions about Deacon Malum.

20. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Deacon Malum summons the demon back and orders it kill Jennifer, Nearest and the gang.

Horror Situation: The deacon summons the demon to kill the gang and Jennifer.

• Dread: Deacon Malum stands in front of the portal and summons the demon.

• Monster reveal: The demon appears from hell.

• Dread: The deacon orders the demon to kill Jennifer and the gang.

21. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Nearest digs out his army old service revolver from his footlocker and makes sure he has bullets.

He also sifts through other items but they’re unseen at the moment.

22. INT – GYM – DAY

Jennifer sees Marley working out on a boxing dummy with a short police baton.

Marley is frustrated that Terry won’t pay her enough attention.

Jennifer assures Marley that she’s awesome and any guy would be lucky to have her for a girlfriend.

23. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

The gang with Jennifer and Nearest reassemble in the school chapel.

24. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

The gang confront Deacon Malum at the portal to hell, the gang try to fight the demon but he’s too strong.

Nearest shoots the demon but his bullets don’t hurt it.

One bullet ricochets off the demon and seems to kill Deacon Malum who falls into the portal to hell.

The demon follows the deacon into hell and gang all escape.

Horror Situation: Jennifer, Nearest and the gang confront the demon and Deacon Malum.

• Apprehension: Jennifer, Nearest and gang venture down the dark passageway to come upon the portal to hell.

• Shock: Everyone is shocked to see Deacon Malum at the portal as he summons the demon.

• Monster reveal: The terrifying demon, Yog-Formido appears from hell!

• Panic: Jennifer and Marley both scream in horror.

• Release: Nearest pulls the two behind him for protection.

• Anxiety: Jennifer reminds Nearest that they’re responsible for the gang’s safety and he comforts her.

• Panic: Renny charges ahead of Nearest and sprints at the demon!

• Hysteria: The gang all attack the demon at once but can’t seem to hurt it badly.

• Shock: Nearest shoots the demon and the bullet ricochets off the demon and hits Deacon Malum.

• Panic: The demon strikes Nearest and sends him flying.

• Hysteria: The gang all retreat back up the passageway to safety.

25. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang begin to look for clues about the demon and what it wants.

They learn that the demon comes out every twenty years and must kill twelve students with the same first name of the apostles to escape the school grounds.

They learn that the demon can be harmed by holy objects and a sword gifted by a saint can pierce its skin.

Tom tells the gang that his research with Marley and Johnny revealed that the demon is not alone and there are four other demons in portals to hell under other Catholic schools with a dark history.

The demon can take and shape of any living human / animal, but its true appearance is revealed in the reflection of a holy object.

Anyone who has been gifted the sword by a saint or an angel is tasked with finding the other four demons and destroying them.

Nearest is nearby and can hear the whole story but leaves Jennifer and the kids alone to bond.

26. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Nearest is alone in the chapel and rediscovers his faith in God, the statue of Saint Michael comes to life and gifts Nearest with the sword of Saint Michael.

27. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer and the gang arrive at the chapel, ready to face the demon, armed with their new knowledge and resolve.

28. INT – PORTAL TO HELL – NIGHT

Renny and the gang are all armed with various holy objects that take turns hurting the demon.

It tries to escape back to hell but Nearest blocks its path, they battle and Nearest stabs the demon in the side with the sword.

As the demon is dying and falling into hell, it impales Nearest and pulls him along with it!

Nearest gives Jennifer the sword of Saint Micheal and she sees the aura of a bright white halo over Nearest’s head, he has become an archangel.

Nearest yells at Jennifer to look deep inside his footlocker in his room as he falls into the pits of hell.

Horror Situation: The Jennifer, Nearest and the gang confront the demon at the portal to hell for a final showdown.

• Anxiety: Jennifer, Nearest and the gang venture back down the passageway to the portal to hell.

• Surprise/scare: Suddenly, something runs across Jennifer’s feet!

• Release: Marley points to the corner, Renny lights up the spot, it’s just a mouse.

• Monster reveal: The demon, Yog-Formido leaps from the portal ready to attack, and bares its fangs and flashes its claws.

• Shock: The gang jump back in shock at the ferocity of the demon.

• Fear: Jennifer and Marley are terrified, Marley grabs Terry by the arm.

• Release: Terry tries to ease Marley’s fear as Nearest settles the gang down and moves up to take the point.

• Panic: The demon takes a swing at Marley and barely misses her but catches Terry’s arm and cuts him badly.

• Release: Terry says he’s OK and keeps on fighting.

• Shock: Nearest stabs the demon’s side with the sword! The demon appears fatally wounded as the demon is staggering backwards, it grabs Nearest and impales him with its claws!

• Hysteria: Nearest is dying and tells Jennifer to get the gang to safety and gifts Jennifer the sword. As Nearest is falling into the portal to hell, Nearest tells Jennifer to look deep into his footlocker before he disappears!

• Panic: Jennifer and the gang flee back up the passageway to get Terry cared for.

• Release: The gang are happy to have beaten the demon but saddened at the horrible cost of Nearest’s life.

29. EXT – SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY

The snowstorm breaks and the bridge to school is repaired, the authorities arrive, the school is safe, for now.

30. INT – SCHOOL INFERMARY – DAY

Jennifer and the gang visit Tom who is still recovering from the wounds.

31. INT – SCHOOL LIBRARY – NIGHT

Jennifer and the gang talk about their adventure and examine the newly gifted sword of Saint Michael.

Jennifer tells them that she’s leaving school, she has found her purpose in life.

Jennifer tells the gang that they’re all going to turn out great if they take care of each other and there’s a big group hug.

32. INT – NEAREST’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jennifer enters Nearest’s bedroom and finds his old army footlocker.

She looks over old army memorabilia and old family photos.

Jennifer discovers and false bottom in the locker and finds a cache of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

There’s also a note from Nearest, he tells her she’s found her purpose in life and to go hunt down those four other demons and finish God’s work.

Jennifer empties the letter envelope and finds the keys to Lucille and Nearest's dog tags, Jennifer pockets them both.

33. INT – SCHOOL SHOP CLASS – DAY

Terry, Johnny and Marley marvel Renny’s handiwork at fashioning a proper metal storage case for the sword of St. Michael.

34. INT – SCHOOL CHAPEL – NIGHT

Jennifer sits alone and prays for the strength to complete her noble quest.

The camera pulls back to reveal the gang just behind her.

Soon they all hug and promise to stay in touch.

Marley gifts Jennifer with the new storage case for the sword of Saint Michael.

They all wander back over to the painting behind the statue of Saint Michael.

They’re astonished to see what appears to be Nearest now in the painting, battling Yog-Formido in the pits of hell alongside other heavenly archangels.

35. EXT – TRAIN CROSSING – DAY

Jennifer sits in Lucille at a traffic signal, waiting for the train to pass.

When the train passes, Jennifer spots Deacon Malum riding onboard.

Jennifer punches the gas and races to catch the speeding train, on a mission from God.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.

[Dean Burkey]

LESSON 16 HOMEWORK:
Dean's Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is to be willing and open to receiving feedback. ;oP
MYST
Logline: In a small village, a MYSTerious Myst preys on loneliness and fear, isolating its inhabitants and consuming those who succumb to despair. As the villagers struggle to form meaningful connections to survive, they discover that their true enemy may not just be the supernatural Myst, but also the sinister human forces orchestrating their demise.
EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – SUNRISE
Apprehension, Fear, Dread: A MYSTerious MYST moves through a seaside town teeming with new red antennas all around. Tortured screams abound. MYSTerious screams in the MYSTerious MYST.
EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Apprehension: The aftermath of a horrific event. The Myst leaves silently. Five women lie dead, each with a bullet in her forehead. No one else can be found in this once thriving town.
INT. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE – DAY
Apprehension, Suspense: When informed, the Governor orders that that tragedy be kept out of the news. Wealthy elite Mr. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet. A.k.a. The real horror: Government Coverup & Greed: A Lethal Combination.
EXT. PARK / TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Release: Villagers enjoy a casual community picnic. Smoke rises from grills. People stand in line to be served. Children run around playing tag, laughter fills the air.
Surprise, Apprehension, Anxiety, Suspense: VROOM! The thunder of engines breaks the calm serenity as a convoy of Hargrove Communications trucks pull into the square. The workers jump out of those trucks and begin unloading bright red antennas, catching the attention of some villagers.
Apprehension/Anxiety: The villagers exchange glances, murmuring questions about what’s going on. Dr. Evelyn Hart notices the anxious looks among the townspeople. She walks over to speak to one of the workers, but he just gives her a vague smile and says they’re bringing better entertainment for everyone.
Apprehension, Unease: Some of the older villagers, including Marcus, look uneasy. They voice their concerns to Daniel, the schoolteacher, about how fast everything seems to be changing. A feeling of unease overwhelms them as the workers start installing the antennas on rooftops.
Surprise: The team works quickly, almost too quickly. Startling to see. Announces activation will take effect that evening.
Unease: The antennas clash with the Springbok atmosphere of this gentile town.
Shock: A worker makes a mistake and gets zapped by whatever strange power comes from those antennas. He screams, flies off the roof, and lands dead in the street.
Shock and Fear: The zapped worker's body gets covered with a tarp. But the tarp flattens, indicating that nothing is underneath. When the trucks storm away, that tarp blows away, revealing that the zapped worker's body is gone. Gone for good.
INT. VARIOUS HOUSES – NIGHT
Release: Various individuals and families enjoy a greater variety of entertainment choices on their TV. But even in the houses with families, the people watch individually on their own separate TVs.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: Six weeks after becoming beta-testers, less and less people attend the community events, giving the outside a ghost town feel, even before all the “fun” begins.
Surprise: That night the “fun” begins. That same mysterious Myst from the opening scenes visits. Some citizens disappear.
Release: Rationale and denial reign supreme. The others assume they left town for personal reasons.
Suspense: More people disappear in the Myst. – Disappear permanently!
Shock: Sarah runs from the Myst, but gets cornered and can't run anymore.
After Sarah disappears, people begin to consider the real dangers of the Myst and become more aware of the Myst making people disappear.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – NIGHT
Release: George uses an electric leaf-blower to stave off the Myst. A plan that seems to work.
Fear: But then the power goes out; and the Myst engulfs him. Bye-bye George.
Release: David uses a gas-powered leaf-blower. Another plan that seems to work.
Fear: But the leaf-blower bursts into flames. Another MYSTerious death.
Suspense, Anguish: Was that just a coincidence? Or is this Myst more powerful than we first imagined?
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Anguish: The others stay locked inside. The Myst defends itself in order to accomplish its goal: The annihilation of everyone in town.
EXT. DR HART'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Apprehension: Dr Hart hears the screams of those outside.
Surprise: Sudden pounding at the door.
Release: It's just Marcus visiting Dr Hart because she asked for his help.
Suspense: They venture forth into the level-one Myst together. Pervasive Thin Myst (Base Layer): A thin, almost translucent Myst that covers the entire town of Eldergrove. It serves as a psychological reminder that danger is always present. It creates an eerie atmosphere, muffling sounds and reducing visibility slightly, and serves as a constant source of unease.
Surprise: A car – with a family inside hoping to escape – almost hits Dr Hart, but Marcus pulls her safely out of the way.
Shock: That car tries to leave town and gets thrown back by the level-two Myst surrounding the town, but no one is inside the car anymore. Medium Myst (Perimeter Layer): A swirling, medium-density Myst forms a barrier around the entire village, preventing anyone from leaving. This Myst is dense enough to obscure vision and serves as a physical and psychological prison, making it clear that escape is impossible.
Fear: They see level-three Myst attacking someone else who was stupid enough to be out in the Myst like they are. Thick Roaming Myst (Hunter Layer): A dense, roaming Myst moves unpredictably throughout the town, actively hunting individuals who are emotionally vulnerable. This thick Myst can form shadowy figures and whispers, playing on the fears of its victims and engulfing those who succumb to despair. The presence of these three layers – each with its own function – creates an environment of total isolation, helplessness, and inevitable doom.
Suspense: The level-three Myst Shadow Stalker turns their way, so they flee.
Release: They figure they can reach the village hall in time.
Suspense: Dr Hart has too many keys and is taking too long finding the right one.
Anguish: Marcus hears his wife's voice in the level-three Myst, calls out her name, and willingly walks toward the level-three Myst.
Release: Dr Hart grabs Marcus and pulls him back, causing both of them to fall inside the village hall where she quickly gets up to lock the door. They share a Hallmark movie style deep gaze into each other's eyes.
Surprise: Screams from outside kill the Hallmark movie vibe.
Suspense: Dr. Evelyn Hart deduces that a program package that promised to connect everyone with the world really separated everyone from each other, so the Myst feeds on despair and isolation. She calls everyone to join them in the village hall.
Monster Reveal: She figures out that the Myst has something to do with the beta-test program for Hargrove Communications. The individualized programming separated people, making them more vulnerable and more “attractive” to the Myst.
Monster Reveal: The Myst thrives on isolated and lonely people.
Suspense: Anna tries to connect with Daniel, urging him to stay strong to fight the Myst. Daniel, burdened by guilt and despair, begins to break down.
Release: Daniel agrees to help however he can. The group manages to find a glimmer of hope by holding hands and sharing their fears, seemingly weakening the Myst temporarily.
Monster Reveal: Dr. Evelyn Hart pleads for everyone to stay together and to work together to destroy the signal from the red antennas.
Daniel and Frank start knocking down the red antennas.
Release: It's working! The Myst grows weaker with each newly destroyed red antenna.
Shock, Anguish: But before they can destroy the third antenna, the Myst comes at Daniel and Frank full force, Daniel jumps off the roof, but Frank's too afraid to jump and becomes engulfed by the Myst.
Horror Situation: Frank gets taken by the Myst.
Reaction: Dr. Hart, Marcus, Daniel, Anna, her son Caleb, Claire, and Tom clutch each other inside a the town hall.
INT. VILLAGE HALL – NIGHT
Suspense: The survivors sit in a circle inside the village hall, the only light coming from a flickering oil lamp in the center. They gather together, trying to keep their spirits up, hoping that if they stay awake and together, the Myst won’t take them.
Release: Daniel tells a story to lighten the mood.
Surprise: A loud BANG hits one of the boarded windows. Everyone jumps, their eyes wide in fear as they exchange worried glances.
Suspense: They all sit in silence, listening, as the sound of scraping slowly follows the bang. The noise seems to move around the outside of the hall, circling them like a predator stalking its prey.
Release: False hope. Marcus says it’s probably just an animal… or the wind. Daniel nods in agreement, trying to steady his own racing heart. Dr. Hart tells a story.
Surprise, Shock: Claire shrieks and her eyes widen. Sayonara serenity! She sees it – a shadow flickering across one of the windows. It moves slowly, deliberately, pausing just long enough for her to realize it isn’t her imagination.
Suspense: The shadow seems to linger, watching them, before it slinks away, disappearing into the night. Claire looks around, but no one else notices it. Her heart pounds as she tries to convince herself it was nothing. Clearly, she's still stuck in the denial stage with naivety and delusion as her only sources of comfort.
Surprise: A slow, deliberate, almost polite knock echos through the hall. The survivors freeze, their faces drain of color. The knock comes once more, followed by silence that seems to stretch endlessly.
Suspense: Tom, sitting nearest to the door, takes a deep breath. He stands, his face conflicted. He moves toward the door, despite Dr. Hart warning him not to. He ignores her. As he approaches the door, a faint, melodic voice drifts in from the other side pleading please. Tom opens the door.
Release: For a moment, nothing moves.
Shock: A figure emerges from the fog – a Shadow Stalker. Its face twisted into a grotesque, almost pleased smile. Tom’s eyes widen in horror, but before he can react, the creature lunges forward, grabbing him effortlessly. Tom lets out a terrified scream as the Shadow Stalker yanks him into the Myst. The door slams shut behind them. Followed by a heinously whispered thank you.
Fear: The reality settles over them – the Myst isn’t just a force of nature; it's intelligent, malevolent, and it's toying with them, one by one.
Dread: Eerie whispers taunt Claire, revealing her fears and secrets to all. She cries out in protest, but to no avail.
Shock: Claire screams that she can't take it anymore, so she rushes to open the door.
Anguish, Dread: The others watch as Marcus rushes over to save her, only to be taken along with her.
Release: Dr Hart slams the door shut and locks it again. A brief respite of silence.
Dread: A sinister cackle resounds in the eerie, haunting Myst.
INT. CITY HALL – DAY
Fear: Dr. Hart, Anna, her son Caleb, and Daniel clutch each other inside the village hall.
Panic: Eldergrove Population: Four. The Myst seeps full force through cracks and under the doors to envelope them. Dr. Hart tells them to stay strong and keep their eyes closed.
Horror: Anna's son becomes curious and peeks. Whoosh! The Myst takes him away. Afraid Anna will open her eyes, Daniel opens his, so he can see to cover Anna's eyes with his hands, pleading for her to keep them closed. Whoosh! Daniel disappears in the Myst.
Hysteria: Dr. Hart and Anna clutch each other with their eyes clenched closed, tears streaming down their faces. The Myst Shadow Stalker swirls around them in a horrendous fury. The fury grows in intensity. Swirling and twirling. Say horrible things, especially to Anna for losing her son Caleb. Dr Hart and Anna hang onto each other, clutching and weeping.
Release: Whoosh! The Myst recedes, leaving Dr. Hart and Anna all alone. Eldergrove Population: Two.
EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Release: Finally opening their eyes, they see that the Myst receded, Dr. Hart and Anna run outside, sad everyone else died, but happy that they survived. They smile and hug and jump for joy.
Shock: Kablam! Kablam! Bullets fired from a sniper hit them each in their forehead. Eldergrove Population: Zero.
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: The sniper is Scientist 1. He and his partner comment on how well the Myst has improved, leaving only two. Scientist 1 calls Hargrove to inform him that the town has been “evacuated”.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: The scientists quickly remove and dispose of Dr. Hart and Claire's bodies. A government team arrives to investigate the disappearance of everyone, along with Mr. Hargrove, who quickly buys the village under the guise of helping, hinting at further sinister plans. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet, so he won't ruin the governor's chances of re-election. He also agrees to have his top scientists figure what could be causing such a MYSTerious phenomena.
EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – DAY
Suspense: The Myst rolls into a new, isolated town, teeming with new red antennas.
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: Two scientists oversee the operation from a distance, hinting that Mr. Hargrove has a bigger plan; and the cycle is far from over. So the Myst isn't so MYSTerious after all, for as long as there is greed and despair, the Myst will be there. They say that after this next town, they'll experiment with larger towns and even cities.
Shock: A sudden look to the camera as he says to the viewer: Maybe yours. The Myst's sinister cackle resounds.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Dean Burkey.

[David Wetzel]

Hi Dean, this is an awesome premise to develop, congratulations!

Here are some thoughts, maybe tighten up the log line to one sentence,

Logline: In a small and isolated village, a mysterious “Myst” preys on loneliness and fear.

With each scene description maybe go for broad strokes of the descriptions of action within each single scene.

Here’s an example.

Fear: They see level three Myst attacking someone else who was stupid enough to be out in the Myst like they are. Thick Roaming Myst (Hunter Layer): A dense, roaming Myst moves unpredictably throughout the town, actively hunting individuals who are emotionally vulnerable. This thick Myst can form shadowy figures and whispers, playing on the fears of its victims and engulfing those who succumb to despair. The presence of these three layers – each with its own function – creates an environment of total isolation, helplessness, and inevitable doom.

Example: Fear: Marcus and Dr Hart witness level three myst (Hunter Layer) attack someone who ventured outside. They think the layers of myst work together to create an environment of isolation and eventual doom.

If each scene description can be distilled down to a short summary of the action that occurs without adding a lot of emotion and inner thoughts it will give you a sense of general flow of the story.

One more thought, instead of having everyone killed in the town, maybe Anna escapes (wounded but alive) so there’s someone left to try to warn the world of the impending danger, like Charlie Sheen in “The Arrival.” The aliens are here, he alone must warn the world.

The story is a great idea, congratulations!

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  David Wetzel.

[Dean Burkey]

Hi Dave,
Thank you for your feedback.
I felt my outline was clunky, especially after seeing how streamlined yours is. I just copied and pasted the outline from the previous homework assignment.
I know most horror movies keep someone alive at the end. The Final Girl or such. But my idea is that this is a government / elite conspiracy horror. However, I do think it might be fun to keep Dr Hart alive for just a little while longer.
Thank You & All The Best,
Dean

[Dean Burkey]

Dean’s Horror Outline Version 2
What I learned doing this assignment is to be willing and open to receiving feedback. Thank you Dave! How to be more succinct – well, less un-succinct than before anyway – and how to add more fun at the end and show how the most refined character becomes the most savage.
MYST
Logline: A MYSTerious MYST invades a small village, preying on its residents, feeding on their loneliness and fear, seeking to destroy them all.
EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – SUNRISE
Apprehension, Fear, Dread: A MYSTerious MYST moves through a seaside town teeming with new red antennas all around. Tortured screams abound in the MYSTerious MYST.
EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Apprehension: The aftermath of a horrific event. The Myst is gone. Five women lie dead, each with a bullet in her forehead. No one else can be found in this once thriving town.
INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Apprehension, Suspense: When informed, the Governor orders that that tragedy be kept out of the news. Wealthy elite Mr. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet. A.k.a. The real horror: Government Coverup & Greed: A Lethal Combination.
EXT. PARK / TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Release: Villagers enjoy a casual community picnic. Smoke rises from grills. People stand in line to be served. Children run around playing tag, laughter fills the air.
Surprise, Apprehension, Anxiety, Suspense: VROOM! The thunder of engines breaks the calm serenity as a convoy of Hargrove Communications trucks pull into the square. The workers jump out of those trucks and begin unloading bright red antennas, catching the attention of some villagers.
Apprehension/Anxiety: Dr. Evelyn Hart notices the anxious looks among the villagers. She inquites, but the foreman just gives her a vague smile and says they’re bringing better entertainment for everyone.
Apprehension, Unease: A feeling of unease overwhelms the older villagers as the workers start installing the antennas on rooftops.
Surprise: The team finishes fast and nnounces activation will take effect that evening.
Shock: A worker makes a mistake and gets zapped by whatever strange power comes from those antennas. He screams, flies off the roof, and lands dead in the street.
Shock and Fear: The zapped worker’s body gets covered with a tarp. But the tarp flattens, indicating nothing is underneath. When the trucks storm away, that tarp blows away, revealing that the zapped worker’s body disappeared.
INT. VARIOUS HOUSES – NIGHT
Release: Various individuals and families enjoy a greater variety of entertainment choices on their TV. But even in the houses with families, the people watch individually on their own separate TVs.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: Six weeks after becoming beta-testers, less and less people attend the community events, giving Eldergrove a ghost town feel, even before all the “fun” begins.
Surprise: That night the “fun” begins. That same mysterious Myst from the opening scenes visits. Some citizens disappear.
Release: The others assume they left town for personal reasons.
Suspense: More people disappear in the Myst.
Shock: Sarah runs from the Myst, but gets cornered and can’t run anymore.
After Sarah disappears, people become more aware of the Myst making people disappear.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – NIGHT
Release: George uses an electric leaf-blower to stave off the Myst. His plan works!
Fear: But then the power goes out; and the Myst engulfs him. His plan doesn’t work. Bye-bye George.
Release: David uses a gas-powered leaf-blower. His plan works!
Fear: But the leaf-blower bursts into flames. His plan doesn’t work. Another MYSTerious death.
Suspense, Anguish: Was that just a coincidence? Or is this Myst more powerful than we first imagined?
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Anguish: The others stay locked inside hearing the horrors resounding outside.
EXT. DR HART’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Apprehension: Dr Hart hears the screams of those outside.
Surprise: Sudden pounding at the door.
Release: It’s just Marcus visiting Dr Hart because she asked for his help.
Suspense: They venture forth into the level-one Myst together. A thin, almost translucent Myst that covers the entire town of Eldergrove, creates an eerie atmosphere, muffling sounds and reducing visibility slightly, and serves as a constant source of unease.
Surprise: A car – with a family inside hoping to escape – almost hits Dr Hart, but Marcus pulls her safely out of the way.
Shock: That car tries to leave town and gets thrown back by the level-two Myst surrounding the town, but no one is inside the car anymore. Making it clear that escape is impossible.
Fear, Monster Reveal: Marcus and Dr Hart witness level-three myst (Shadow Stalker Layer) attack someone who ventured outside. They realize the layers of myst work together to create an environment of isolation and eventual doom.
Suspense: The level-three Myst Shadow Stalker turns their way, so they flee.
Release: They figure they can reach the village hall in time.
Suspense: Dr Hart has too many keys and takes far too long to find the right one.
Anguish: Marcus hears his wife’s voice in the level-three Myst, calls out her name, and willingly walks toward the level-three Myst.
Release: Dr Hart grabs Marcus and pulls him back, causing both of them to fall inside the village hall where she quickly gets up to lock the door. They share a Hallmark movie style deep gaze into each other’s eyes.
Surprise: Screams from outside kill the Hallmark movie vibe.
Suspense, Monster Reveal: Dr. Hart figures out that the Myst has something to do with the beta-test program for Hargrove Communications. The individualized programming separated people, making them more vulnerable and more “attractive” to the Myst. She calls everyone to join them in the village hall.
Suspense: Anna tries to connect with Daniel, urging him to stay strong to fight the Myst. Daniel, burdened by guilt and despair, begins to break down.
Release: Daniel agrees to help however he can. The group manages to find a glimmer of hope by holding hands and sharing their fears, seemingly weakening the Myst temporarily.
Suspense: Dr. Hart pleads for everyone to stay together and work to destroy the signal from the red antennas. Daniel and Frank start knocking down the red antennas.
Release: It’s working! The Myst grows weaker with each newly destroyed red antenna.
Shock, Anguish: Before they can destroy a third antenna, the Shadow Stalker Myst comes at Daniel and Frank full force, Daniel jumps off the roof, but Frank’s too afraid to jump and becomes engulfed by the Myst. Farewell Frank.
Reaction: Dr. Hart, Marcus, Daniel, Anna, her son Caleb, Claire, and Tom clutch each other inside the village hall.
INT. VILLAGE HALL – NIGHT
Suspense: The survivors gather together, trying to keep their spirits up, hoping that if they stay awake and together, the Myst won’t take them.
Release: Daniel tells a story to lighten the mood.
Surprise: A loud BANG hits one of the boarded windows. Everyone jumps, their eyes wide in fear as they exchange worried glances.
Suspense: They all sit in silence, listening, as the sound of scraping slowly follows the bang. The noise seems to move around the outside of the hall, circling them like a predator stalking its prey.
Release: False hope. Marcus says it’s probably just an animal… or the wind. Daniel nods in agreement, trying to steady his own racing heart. Dr. Hart tells a story.
Surprise, Shock: Claire shrieks and her eyes widen. Sayonara serenity! She sees it – a shadow moves slowly, deliberately, pausing just long enough for her to realize it isn’t her imagination.
Suspense: The shadow lingers, watching them, before it slinks away, disappearing into the night. Claire looks around, but no one else noticed it. She tries to convince herself it was nothing. Clearly, she’s still stuck in the denial stage with naivety and delusion as her only sources of comfort.
Surprise: A slow, deliberate, almost polite knock echos through the hall. The survivors freeze, their faces drain of color. The knock comes once more, followed by silence.
Suspense: Tom, sitting closest to the door, takes a deep breath. He stands, his face conflicted. He moves toward the door, despite Dr. Hart warning him not to. He ignores her. As he approaches the door, a faint, melodic voice drifts in from the other side pleading please. Tom opens the door.
Release: No one’s there.
Shock: A figure emerges from the Myst – a Shadow Stalker. Tom lets out a terrified scream as the Shadow Stalker yanks him into the Myst. The door slams shut behind them. Followed by a heinously whispered thank you.
Fear: The reality settles over them – the Myst isn’t just a force of nature; it’s intelligent, malevolent, and it’s toying with them, one by one. Dr Hart realizes the TV package eavesdropped to learn everyone’s secrets.
Dread: Eerie whispers taunt Claire, revealing her fears and secrets to all.
Shock: Claire screams that she can’t take it anymore, so she rushes to open the door.
Anguish, Dread: The others watch as Marcus rushes over to save her, only to be taken along with her.
Release: Dr Hart slams the door shut and locks it again. A brief respite of silence.
Dread: A sinister cackle resounds in the eerie, haunting Myst. This is one mean Myst!
INT. CITY HALL – DAY
Fear: Dr. Hart, Anna, her son Caleb, and Daniel clutch each other inside the village hall.
Panic: Eldergrove Population: Four. The Myst seeps full force through cracks and under the doors to envelope them. Dr. Hart tells them to stay strong and keep their eyes closed.
Horror: Anna’s son becomes curious and peeks. Whoosh! The Myst takes him away. Afraid Anna will open her eyes, Daniel opens his, so he can see to cover Anna’s eyes with his hands, pleading for her to keep them closed. Whoosh! Daniel disappears in the Myst.
Hysteria: Dr. Hart and Anna clutch each other with their eyes clenched closed, tears streaming down their faces. The Myst Shadow Stalker swirls around them in a horrendous fury. The fury grows in intensity. Swirling and twirling. Says horrible things, especially to Anna for losing her son Caleb. Dr Hart and Anna hang onto each other, clutching and weeping, crying out in tortured grief.
Release: Whoosh! The Myst recedes, leaving Dr. Hart and Anna all alone. Eldergrove Population: Two.
EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Release: Finally opening their eyes, they see that the Myst receded, Dr. Hart and Anna run outside, sad everyone else died, but happy that they survived. They smile and hug and jump for joy.
Shock: Kablam! A bullet fired from a sniper hits Anna in her forehead. Kablam! Dr Hart ducks down, but it’s unclear if she ducked in time. Eldergrove Population: One?
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: The sniper is Scientist 1, who looks back and forth through his sights, but can’t see Dr Hart anywhere. He and his partner comment on how well the Myst has improved, leaving only two this time. Scientist 2 says he’ll call Hargrove to inform him that the town has been “evacuated”. Scientist 1 tells him to wait, because they might have a hanger-on.
EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: The scientists quickly remove and dispose of Anna’s body.
Shock, Hysteria: As they search the village, Dr Hart, now a raving lunatic, jumps out at them. Both scientists unload their revolvers into her. Even then, she still makes noise much longer than she should.
Suspense: A government team arrives to investigate the disappearance of everyone, along with Mr. Hargrove, who quickly buys the village under the guise of helping, hinting at further sinister plans. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet, so he won’t ruin the governor’s chances of re-election. He also agrees to have his top scientists figure what could be causing such a MYSTerious phenomena.
EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – DAY
Suspense: The Myst rolls into a new, isolated town, teeming with new red antennas.
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: Two scientists oversee the operation from a distance, hinting that Mr. Hargrove has a bigger plan; and the cycle is far from over. So the Myst isn’t so MYSTerious after all, for as long as there is greed and despair, the Myst will be there. They say that after this village, they’ll experiment with larger towns and even cities.
Shock: A sudden look to the camera as he says to the viewer: Maybe yours. The Myst’s sinister cackle resounds.

[David Wetzel]

Hi Dean,

This is great!

Much more condensed and I really like that someone may be left to warn the world of the danger, great job!

[Timothy Barley]

Hi Dean!

I read the two versions and the second is definitely better! Good job working toward a quicker paced outline (this will help immensely when you go from looking at the outline to free flow writing slug line-character-dialogue repeat and not have to wade through too much exponential material in the outline.

I do have a couple of questions that I think would make this even better if explained IN the screenplay/film:

1. Is the government and governor in on all of it? We see at the beginning the request to keep it under wraps, but I didn't see anything else from the government afterward unless I missed it. Maybe have an evil aide to the governor with an axe to grind be the point man and the wall between Hargrove and the governor.

2. What is the MYST and how is it created? Movies like The Blob (the movie which I equated this to) take a bit to explain how it comes to be so that the audience is not left with that gnawing question weighing on them throughout the whole movie.

3. It make more sense to limit yourself to “just the facts” about each scene. See the example of the last three scenes of your work that I used:

EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: The scientists quickly remove and dispose of Anna’s body.
Shock, Hysteria: As they search the village, Dr Hart, now a raving lunatic, jumps out at them. Both scientists unload their revolvers into her. Even then, she still makes noise much longer than she should.
Suspense: A government team arrives to investigate the disappearance of everyone, along with Mr. Hargrove, who quickly buys the village under the guise of helping, hinting at further sinister plans. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet, so he won’t ruin the governor’s chances of re-election. He also agrees to have his top scientists figure what could be causing such a MYSTerious phenomena.
EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – DAY
Suspense: The Myst rolls into a new, isolated town, teeming with new red antennas.
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: Two scientists oversee the operation from a distance, hinting that Mr. Hargrove has a bigger plan; and the cycle is far from over. So the Myst isn’t so MYSTerious after all, for as long as there is greed and despair, the Myst will be there. They say that after this village, they’ll experiment with larger towns and even cities.
Shock: A sudden look to the camera as he says to the viewer: Maybe yours. The Myst’s sinister cackle resounds.

BECOMES–>

EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
The aftermath. Scientists move in to “clean up” – disposing of bodies, killing the crazed Dr. Hart, followed by a government team and Mr. Hargrove.
Suspense: The scientists quickly remove and dispose of Anna’s body.
Shock, Hysteria: Armed Scientists kill Dr. Hart.
Suspense: A government team arrives along with Hargrove to “investigate.” Hargrove furthers his sinister plans with the governor’s backing.

EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – DAY
The Myst rolls into a new, isolated town, teeming with new red antennas.
Suspense: New town. Same MYST. Will it be the same outcome?

EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Two scientists oversee the operation from a distance, talking about larger towns and cities even.
Suspense: hinting that Mr. Hargrove has a bigger plan; and the cycle is far from over.
Shock: A sudden look to the camera as he says to the viewer: Maybe yours.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Timothy Barley.

[Dean Burkey]

Hi Tim,
Thank you for your feedback.
The second version was what I reworked after getting feedback from Dave.
1. The governor / government is being duped by Hargrove. He acts like he’s helping them, but he’s buying up evacuated cities super cheap. He even offers to help figure out what’s causing the MYST when he’s the one causing the MYST.
2. The MYST is created by Hargrove proprietary technology via his network of red antennas.
3. Thank you for helping me condense that. I think I confused this assignment with a previous one where we broke down each tidbit of horror and such.
Thanks Again & All The Best,
Dean

[Dean Burkey]

Dean's Horror Outline Version 3
What I learned doing this assignment is to be willing and open to receiving feedback. Thank you Dave & Tim! How to be even more succinct – well, even less un-succinct than before anyway.
MYST
Logline: A MYSTerious MYST invades a small village, preying on its residents, feeding on their loneliness and fear, seeking to destroy them all.
1 EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – SUNRISE
Apprehension, Fear, Dread: Tortured screams abound inside the MYSTerious MYST which moves through a seaside town teeming with new red antennas all around.
2 EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Apprehension: The aftermath of a horrific event. The Myst is gone. Five women lie dead, each with a bullet in her forehead. No one else can be found in this once thriving town.
3 INT. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE – DAY
Apprehension, Suspense: When informed, the Governor orders that that tragedy be kept out of the news. Wealthy elite Mr. Hargrove agrees to keep everything quiet.
4 EXT. PARK / TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Release: Villagers enjoy a casual community picnic.
Surprise, Apprehension, Anxiety, Suspense: VROOM! The thunder of engines breaks the calm serenity as a convoy of Hargrove Communications trucks pull into the square. The workers unload bright red antennas.
Apprehension/Anxiety: Dr. Evelyn Hart inquires, but the foreman just gives her a vague smile and says they’re bringing better entertainment for everyone.
Apprehension, Unease: A feeling of unease overwhelms the older villagers as the workers install the red antennas on rooftops.
Surprise: The team finishes fast and announces activation will take effect that evening.
Shock: A worker makes a mistake and gets zapped by whatever strange power comes from those antennas. He screams, flies off the roof, and lands dead in the street.
Shock and Fear: The zapped worker's body gets covered with a tarp. When the trucks storm away, that tarp blows away, revealing that the zapped worker's body disappeared.
5 INT. VARIOUS HOUSES – NIGHT
Release: Various individuals and families enjoy a greater variety of entertainment choices on their TV. But even in the houses with families, the people watch individually on their own separate TVs.
6 EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: Six weeks after becoming beta-testers, less and less people attend the community events, giving Eldergrove a ghost town feel, even before all the “fun” begins.
Surprise: That night the “fun” begins. That same mysterious Myst from the opening scenes visits. Some citizens disappear.
Release: The others assume they left town for personal reasons.
Suspense: More people disappear in the Myst.
Shock: Sarah runs from the Myst, but gets cornered and can't run anymore.
After Sarah disappears, people become more aware of the Myst making people disappear.
7 EXT. ELDERGROVE – NIGHT
Release: George uses an electric leaf-blower to stave off the Myst. His plan works!
Fear: But then the power goes out; and the Myst engulfs him. His plan doesn't work. Bye-bye George.
Release: David uses a gas-powered leaf-blower. His plan works!
Fear: But the leaf-blower bursts into flames. His plan doesn't work. Another MYSTerious death.
Suspense, Anguish: Was that just a coincidence? Or is this Myst more powerful than they first imagined?
8 INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Anguish: The others stay locked inside hearing the horrors resounding outside.
9 EXT. DR HART'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Apprehension: Dr Hart hears the screams of those outside.
Surprise: Sudden pounding at the door.
Release: It's just Marcus visiting Dr Hart because she asked for his help.
Suspense: They venture forth into the level-one Myst together. A thin, almost translucent Myst that covers the entire town of Eldergrove.
Surprise: A car – with a family inside hoping to escape – almost hits Dr Hart, but Marcus pulls her safely out of the way.
Shock: That car tries to leave town and gets thrown back by the level-two Myst surrounding the town, but no one is inside the car anymore. Making it clear that escape is impossible.
Fear, Monster Reveal: Marcus and Dr Hart watch level-three Myst (Shadow Stalker Layer) attack someone who ventured outside.
Suspense: The level-three Myst Shadow Stalker turns their way, so they flee.
Release: They figure they can reach the village hall in time.
Suspense: Dr Hart has too many keys and takes far too long to find the right one.
Anguish: Marcus hears his wife's voice in the level-three Myst, calls out her name, and willingly walks toward the level-three Myst.
Release: Dr Hart grabs Marcus and pulls him back, causing both of them to fall inside the village hall where she quickly gets up to lock the door. They share a Hallmark movie style deep gaze into each other's eyes.
Surprise: Screams from outside kill the Hallmark movie vibe.
Suspense, Monster Reveal: Dr. Hart figures out that the Myst has something to do with Hargrove Communications. The individualized programming separated people, making them more vulnerable and more “attractive” to the Myst. She calls everyone to join them in the village hall.
Suspense: Anna tries to connect with Daniel, urging him to stay strong to fight the Myst. Daniel, burdened by guilt and despair, begins to break down.
Release: Daniel agrees to help however he can. The group manages to find a glimmer of hope by holding hands and sharing their fears, seemingly weakening the Myst temporarily.
Suspense: Dr. Hart pleads for everyone to stay together and work to destroy the signal from the red antennas. Daniel and Frank start knocking down the red antennas.
Release: It's working! The Myst grows weaker with each newly destroyed red antenna.
Shock, Anguish: Before they can destroy a third antenna, the Shadow Stalker Myst comes at Daniel and Frank full force, Daniel jumps off the roof, but Frank's too afraid to jump and becomes engulfed by the Myst. Farewell Frank.
Reaction: Dr. Hart, Marcus, Daniel, Anna, her son Caleb, Claire, and Tom clutch each other inside the village hall.
10 INT. VILLAGE HALL – NIGHT
Suspense: The survivors gather together, trying to keep their spirits up, hoping that if they stay awake and together, the Myst won’t take them.
Release: Daniel tells a story to lighten the mood.
Surprise: A loud BANG hits one of the boarded windows. Everyone jumps, their eyes wide in fear as they exchange worried glances.
Suspense: They all sit in silence, listening, as the sound of scraping slowly follows the bang. The noise seems to move around the outside of the hall, circling them like a predator stalking its prey.
Release: False hope. Marcus says it’s probably just an animal… or the wind. Daniel nods in agreement, trying to steady his own racing heart. Dr. Hart tells a story.
Surprise, Shock: Claire shrieks and her eyes widen. Sayonara serenity! She sees it – a shadow moves slowly, deliberately, pausing just long enough for her to realize it isn’t her imagination.
Suspense: The shadow lingers, watching them, before it slinks away, disappearing into the night. Claire looks around, but no one else noticed it. She tries to convince herself it was nothing.
Surprise: A slow, deliberate, almost polite knock echos through the hall.
Suspense: Tom, sitting closest to the door, takes a deep breath. He stands, his face conflicted. Ignoring Dr. Hart's warning him not to, and hearing the word please, Tom opens the door.
Release: No one's there.
Shock: A Shadow Stalker emerges from the Myst, yanks away Tom, and says thank you.
Monster Reveal, Fear: They realize the Myst isn’t just a force of nature; it's intelligent, malevolent, and it's toying with each of them. Dr Hart realizes the TV package eavesdropped to learn everyone's secrets.
Dread: Eerie whispers taunt Claire, revealing her fears and secrets to all.
Shock: Claire screams that she can't take it anymore, so she rushes to open the door.
Anguish, Dread: The others watch as Marcus rushes over to save her, only to be taken along with her.
Release: Dr Hart slams the door shut and locks it again. A brief respite of silence.
Dread: A sinister cackle resounds in the eerie, haunting Myst. This is one mean Myst!
11 INT. CITY HALL – DAY
Fear: Dr. Hart, Anna, her son Caleb, and Daniel clutch each other inside the village hall.
Panic: Eldergrove Population: Four. The Myst seeps full force through cracks and under the doors to envelope them. Dr. Hart tells them to stay strong and keep their eyes closed.
Horror: Anna's son becomes curious and peeks. Whoosh! The Myst takes him away. Afraid Anna will open her eyes, Daniel opens his, so he can see to cover Anna's eyes with his hands, pleading for her to keep them closed. Whoosh! Daniel disappears in the Myst.
Hysteria: Dr. Hart and Anna clutch each other with their eyes clenched closed, tears streaming down their faces. The Myst Shadow Stalker swirls around them in an increasingly intense and horrendous fury. Says horrible things, especially to Anna for losing her son Caleb. Dr Hart and Anna hang onto each other.
Release: Whoosh! The Myst recedes, leaving Dr. Hart and Anna all alone. Eldergrove Population: Two.
12 EXT. CITY HALL – DAY
Release: Dr. Hart and Anna run outside, sad everyone else died, but happy that they survived. They smile and hug and jump for joy.
Shock: Kablam! A bullet fired from a sniper hits Anna in her forehead. Kablam! Dr Hart ducks down, but it's unclear if she ducked in time. Eldergrove Population: One?
13 EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Suspense: The sniper is Scientist 1, who looks back and forth through his sights, but can't see Dr Hart anywhere. He and his partner comment on how well the Myst has improved, leaving only two this time. Scientist 2 says he'll call Hargrove to inform him that the town has been “evacuated”. Scientist 1 tells him to wait, because they might have a hanger-on.
14 EXT. ELDERGROVE – SUNSET
Suspense: The aftermath. The scientists quickly remove and dispose of Anna’s body.
Shock, Hysteria: Armed Scientists kill hiding and hysterical Dr. Hart.
Suspense: A government team arrives to investigate the disappearance of everyone, along with Mr. Hargrove, who quickly buys the village under the guise of helping. He agrees to keep everything quiet and to have his top scientists figure out what's causing such a MYSTerious phenomena.
15 EXT. SEASIDE TOWN – DAY
Suspense: New town. Same MYST. Will it be the same outcome?
16 EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Two scientists oversee the operation from a distance, talking about larger towns and cities even.
Suspense: hinting that Mr. Hargrove has a bigger plan; and the cycle is far from over.
Shock: A sudden look to the camera as he says to the viewer: Maybe yours.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Dean Burkey.

[David Wetzel]

Hi Dean, this is looking awesome, great job! I think we only need to add the emotions for each "Horror Situation," and then add the emtions in bullets like the outline template for "It Follows," from Lesson 15, not each scene in between too. It's coming along great, it's an awesome premise, contratulations!

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Wetzel.

[Timothy Barley]

Happy Sunday! Had a few issues uploading this outline, but here is the working outline.

TITLE: Reflected
“Not everything in mirror is about you”

Logline: Eight rising social media influencers lured to a weekend retreat at a remote beach house find themselves hunted by their twisted doppelgängers, turning their vanities and darkest fears into weapons of their demise.

INT. VIVIAN’S STUDIO – NIGHT
Essence: Vivian’s transformation, replaced by her own reflection, introducing the curse of vanity and horror.
• Horror Situation: Vivian’s reflection independently grabs her.
• Monster Reveal: Vivian’s doppelgänger steps into reality as she’s trapped within the mirror.

EXT. SECLUDED BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Essence: The influencers, excited yet uneasy, arrive amid a brewing storm, highlighting rivalries and tensions.

INT. BEACH HOUSE FOYER – DAY
Essence: Vivian cryptically toasts to “transformation.” Tyler is wary, sensing something off.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Essence: Conrad warns of the forecasted Nor’easter and reiterates the need to avoid mirrors at night. Some influencers laugh it off; Tyler and Lily remain cautious.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Essence: As the storm intensifies, cell service cuts out, and the power flickers. Some in the group notice eerie reflections moving independently.
• Horror Situation: Storm isolates the house, and reflections act unusually.
• Monster Reveal: Brief, eerie glimpses of distorted reflections as a hint of what’s to come.

INT. BROOKE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Essence: Brooke’s reflection grabs her and pulls her into the mirror, leaving bloody streaks. Her doppelgänger emerges.
• Horror Situation: Reflection acts with aggression and independence.
• Scare: Reflection suddenly lunges, initiating a violent struggle.
• Monster Reveal: Brooke’s doppelgänger appears.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Essence: The group searches for Brooke, thinking she’s playing a prank. Tyler notices blood on the mirror but keeps his suspicions to himself.

EXT. POOL AREA – NIGHT
Essence: Jonah’s reflection pulls him under the water, and his dry doppelgänger emerges.
• Horror Situation: Reflection reaches out from the water and drowns him.
• Scare: Reflection’s hand breaks through the water.
• Monster Reveal: Jonah’s doppelgänger appears, unaffected by water.

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Essence: Tensions rise as the group notices changes in Jonah and Brooke’s behavior. Tyler shares his theories about Vivian’s myth with Lily, who begins to take him seriously.

INT. SOPHIA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Essence: Sophia’s doppelgänger, an idealized version of herself, lures her in and replaces her.
• Horror Situation: Reflection appears perfect, playing to Sophia’s vanity.
• Scare: Reflection gestures, enticing her.
• Monster Reveal: Sophia’s doppelgänger steps forward.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Essence: The group, frightened, attempts to leave, but the storm has intensified, cutting off all routes. Vivian reassures them it’s safer to stay put, feeding their paranoia.
• Horror Elements: Adds a rising feeling of entrapment, emphasizing the hopelessness of the storm.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Essence: Cassidy’s reflection distorts, and the mirror shatters, slicing her. Her reflection watches coldly.
• Horror Situation: Mirror shatters, disfiguring her.
• Scare: Mirror explodes outward suddenly.
• Monster Reveal: Cassidy’s flawless doppelgänger emerges.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Essence: Riley hears what he believes to be Brooke’s voice, reaches into the mirror, and is crushed as his reflection emerges.
• Horror Situation: Reflection traps and crushes Riley.
• Scare: Brooke’s voice lures him.
• Monster Reveal: Riley’s twisted doppelgänger appears.

INT. STUDY – NIGHT
Essence: Tyler, Lily, and Zara search the study and uncover photos, confirming Vivian’s age and connections to disappearances.
• Horror Elements: Builds dread and an understanding of the house’s dark history, preparing the group to fight back.

INT. DARKROOM – NIGHT
Essence: Zara’s reflection, seen in a cracked mirror, slowly crushes her head against the glass.
• Horror Situation: Zara’s own face presses and twists against the glass.
• Scare: Reflection appears suddenly in the window.
• Monster Reveal: Zara’s doppelgänger exits as she’s killed.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Essence: Mason tries to smash the mirrors but is impaled by shards, with his reflection emerging in his place.
• Horror Situation: Shards fly, trapping him as he’s impaled.
• Scare: Mirror cracks suddenly before he’s killed.
• Monster Reveal: Mason’s reflection exits, smiling coldly.

INT. STUDY – NIGHT
Essence: They discover documents revealing Vivian’s history and the need to destroy the mirrors, specifically suggesting burning the house to sever the curse.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAWN
Essence: Tyler and Lily spread gasoline around the house, but they catch sight of their own reflections grinning menacingly in the windows.
• Horror Situation: Reflections watch from all angles, trapping them with their own images.
• Scare: Reflections appear suddenly.
• Monster Reveal: Reflections show taunting smiles as they prepare to burn the house.

INT. FOYER – DAWN
Essence: Vivian’s doppelgänger taunts Tyler and Lily, subtly suggesting they can’t escape even by burning the house, before disappearing.
• Horror Situation: Vivian’s reflection is unmoved by their plans.
• Scare: Sudden appearance and taunting dialogue.
• Monster Reveal: Vivian’s doppelgänger’s final words indicate the curse persists.

EXT. POOLSIDE CABANA – DAWN
Essence: Tyler and Lily watch the house burn, but the pool’s reflection reveals distorted images, implying the curse remains.
• Horror Situation: Lingering, haunting reflections.
• Scare: Shadows in the water imply future danger.
• Monster Reveal: Reflections in the water remain, hinting that the mirror curse lives on.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Timothy Barley.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Timothy Barley.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Timothy Barley.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Timothy Barley.

[Dean Burkey]

Hi Tim,
Great logline. I love the phrase “turning their vanities and darkest fears into weapons of their demise.” I’m already intrigued!
Whoa! Awesome where even the reflection in the water is problematic.
What?! And now an exploding mirror! Way to build in horrific intensity.
Wow! With crushing horrific intensity!
What if a hand reaches out of the pool at the end?
Great job! I wish I could give better advice, but it flows well, building in intensity.
If you want a comedic moment, which might work only for the Gag Reel, have a scene where the person sprays the mirror with Windex; and that person’s reflection closes their eyes and coughs and such from getting sprayed in the face with Windex.
For the Gag Reel: You could also show the hand rising out of the pool and say things like: “Just when you thought it was safe to lounge by the pool…” and “Can I give you a hand?”
Crazy Idea (for the movie, not the Gag Reel): I don’t know the purpose of these reflection doppelgängers, but what if they get in a fight with each other? And/or they could work together to hunt down Tyler and Lily; and while doing so, they bicker and then battle each other. Seeing how they’re reflections of competitive influencers, they might not get along. Even as the house burns down on them, they could still fight and each blames the others. And then if you do have a hand come out of the pool at the end, it could be charred. – But like I said, it’s a Crazy Idea.
Great job.
All The Best,
Dean

[Timothy Barley]

Dean, thanks so much for the feedback. It flows so much better when I added the second day. I hadn't realized it on the first draft, but it all took place that first night. I think the addition of a second day/morning adds more dread when they realize they can't leave and SOMETHING is going on.

There is a great movie called "Coherence" that works similar to this idea (not doppelgängers and mirror but mashed up realities) but to have originals AND doppelgängers at each other is something I have to tread carefully with or I could confuse myself!

I have an idea for WHAT the doppelgängers are up to and there IS a backstory that can be explored some in this film, but the goal would be another film or two to explain it all… 🙂

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Timothy Barley.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Timothy Barley.

[Dean Burkey]

You’re welcome, Tim.
Looks like adding a second day to give the plot more time to unfold worked out well for you.
Coherence is awesome! Made for only fifty grand. Great move with fun twists and a surprise ending.
The class did say back stories can be explained in sequels.
All The Best,
Dean

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Outline Version 2

Title: Under Alcatraz
Logline: A group of adventurers explore a mysterious cave on Alcatraz Island and find themselves pursued by murderous water preventing anyone who ventures under the prison from leaving the island.

Horror Outline:

1. INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — (FLASHBACK – 1963) — OPENING SCENE

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT
Shaky lantern light and shadows reveal a tunnel leading to the cavern. Men run and yell to “go faster” as the light grows brighter. Four men are a blasted out of the tunnel by a fierce torrent of water. The four men, killed by the force of the water, lay still as the water and cavern go silent. The last lit lantern goes out.
Horror Situation: The water appears to be deliberately killing the men.
• Panic: The men are desperate to escape from the water.
• Horror: The men are all killed.
• Monster Reveal: The water is self-animated and murderous.
• Release: The calm of the cavern after the deaths.
END FLASHBACK

2. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — PATHWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group greets each other as they arrive on Alcatraz Island. They listen to instructions about the tours, then fall behind the main tour group to follow their alternate, self-guided, tour.

3. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — ROCKY PATH — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds the rumored cave and debate among them whether or not to go in.

4. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — CAVE — DAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After entering the cave, the group finds the stone door deep inside the cave.

5. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group enters and explores the hallway and the cells along the hallway.
Horror Situation: They are about to realize they are trapped.
• Monster Reveal: The water closes the door and hides it.

6. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds they are trapped.
Horror Situation: After exploring the underground hallway, the group can’t find the door to get out.
• Confusion: The door should be there. It’s a straight hallway.
• Anxiety: We can’t get out if we can’t find the door.
• Suspense: They might be lost for a long time. No one knows they are here.
• Release: They form a plan to seek an alternate way out.

7. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Water floods through the hallway.
Horror Situation: Water starts filling the hallway becoming waist deep and swirling.
• Fear: The fast-rising water comes from unknown origin and they can’t escape it.
• Release: The water goes away and they are fine, but…
• Anxiety: …one of them is missing,
• Confusion: Uncertainty about if someone is missing
• Release: Talk themselves into being mistaken (other than Travis).
• Monster Reveal: The water takes one of them.
• Suspense: Only one of them is sure someone is missing, the other deny it.

8. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After the water drains from the hallway, the group finds the passage to the catacombs and decide to look for a way out. If the water got out, so can they.

9. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group goes into the catacombs looking for escape.

10. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water comes again.
Horror Situation: Water begins to run through the catacombs and rapidly gets deeper and faster. Another of the group is missing when the water goes away.
• Surprise: The all know Frankie is missing after the water leaves.
• Confusion: They don’t know what is going on with the water coming and going so quickly.
• Denial: Frankie could be pranking them by faking his disappearance.
• Apprehension: If he’s not pranking them, two of the group could now be missing.

• Monster Reveal: The group knows for sure that the water is taking them.

11. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group continues through the catacombs looking for a way out.

12. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS

The group experiences a sudden scare.
Horror Situation: The level of fear is revealed to the group.
• Scare: The last in line suddenly screams out and their flashlight hits the ground and goes out.
• Suspense: Another of them could be gone.
• Release: Isabel tripped. Yells to the others that she’s okay.
• Scare: Someone at the front of the line screams.
• Suspense: Travis nearly vomits.
• Shock: Travis shines his flashlight on a severed hand.

13. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Having found the severed hand, the group changes course to go back and try to find the door again.

14. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group rushes back to return to the hallway where they first got lost but are blocked by the water that attacks them.
Horror Situation: The water is not behaving like water. It swirls and rises up oddly.
• Shock: They stop retreating and watch the water as it comes closer to them
• Suspense: Chester doesn’t believe the water is acting weird, that it’s just the flashlight lighting that makes it look so odd.
• Surprise: Chester goes into the water and becomes entrapped.
• Anguish: The group watches as the water actually grabs Chester and pulls him through the passage. Chester screams that the water is holding him. The water suddenly rushes toward the group, they try to get out of the way by stepping aside and the grab at Chester who screams and is unable to reach out to them. The water then reaches up in the shape of a hand covers his mouth. When they grab for him, the water drags him under. The group watches as wide-eyed Chester is dragged down into the catacombs.
• Suspense: Going back was no longer an option, they look at each other then turn to go deeper into the catacombs.

15. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They can’t go back so they continue deeper into the catacombs. They express regrets for coming into the caves and hopes that they can get out.

16. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Bonnie and Vincent, lover interests, stay close together as the group goes down another level into the catacombs.
Horror Situation: The space is tighter, colder, wetter.
• Dread: Even though the water is after them and they are going deeper under the island, they have no choice but to continue.

17. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
This level is more rustic. The ground is more uneven, the wall more course, the ceiling lower, and everything is growing more damp.
Horror Situation: Vincent falls into a puddle and he and Bonnie shout out, the water comes again.
• Anguish: The puddle water swirls up and grabs Vincent.
• Fear: A loud screech blasts through the passage that seems to come from everywhere.
• Panic: Bonnie tries to pull Vincent out of the water, Harold tries to help, the others are looking around for where the screech is coming from.
• Horror: A wall of water approaches from behind them. It has arms reaching out and legs pulling it toward the trapped man. Vincent is taken by the water in front of the others.

18. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES— UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After Vincent’s death. The group grapples with what to do next. The succumb to anxiety and decide to hurry as fast as they can to the end of the catacombs in hope there’s a way out.

19. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining five members are hurrying, quietly as they can, through the increasingly rustic catacombs. They come out into a large, rocky cavern. In the cavern is a pool of water.

20. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining members of the group arrive at the cavern with the pond. They are wet, tattered, cold, and banged up. They look around. Trapped again.
Horror Situation: Remaining members of the group reach the dead-end cavern with the pond where they find skeletons, long-dead bodies, and the corpses of the other group member that were taken by the water.
• Surprise: They reach what appears to be the end of the catacombs.
• Release: At least it’s quiet here and they seem safe for now.
• Apprehension: They wonder what this means. Do they need to go back?
• Fear: The find the many dead bodies from different times (very old pirate remains, the Alcatraz prison escapee bones in prison garb, newer dead bodies of probable adventurers like themselves, and the dead bodies of the missing members of their group.
• Anguish: They believe there is no way out and they will die here.
• Panic: When one sees a possible way out, he throws caution to the wind and tries to escape.
• Horror: The one who panicked and tried to escape, is killed and ripped apart in front of the others with blood and body parts being strewn around them and the cavern.

21. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Ghoulie notices there’s a light area under the pond and whispers to let the others know. They turn off their lights and look.

22. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Suddenly, Ghoulie goes gets overly excited into a state of panic and hysteria. He screams that he’s going to swim for it.

Horror Situation: Ghoulie panics and jumps in the water to swim to get out from under the island.
• Panic: Ghoulie shouts that there’s a way out.
• Scare: The others yell for him to be quiet.
• Horror: The water screeches and swirls up. The all hide except for Ghoulie. The water blasts him against the ceiling of the cavern. When the water calms, Ghoulie’s body is torn and tattered with bones visible. His lifeless remains rest on the floor of the cavern.
• Hysteria & Anguish: Bonnie sobs silently. Harold sits on a large rock and holds his arms up around his head in anguish.
• Release: Isabel suggests they get weapons from the pile of bodies.

23. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel collects bones and a skull.

24. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They wait but not for long.
Horror Situation: Travis taunts the water by yelling. It obliges and comes for them again.
• Horror: The water grabs Travis as the other fight the water with their weapons. But the water drags Travis down into the pool. They see him dragged down with arms reaching for help.
• Hysteria: Harold and Bonnie fight the water with all they have. Screaming and yelling.
• Anguish: They can’t find Isabel.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel is fighting the water differently. She’s chanting something over an arrangement of bones that look like the Jolly Roger flag design. She’s repeating a chant to chase away the cursed water.

26. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water lets out one final terrifying screech before retreating back into the pool.

27. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water is done with them but they are still trapped. Isabel stands and looks at Bonnie and Harold. Harold, exhausted, still holds his weapons. Bonnie cries and collapses down to sit on a boulder at the edge of the pool.
• Scare: The water ripples.
• Dread: Isabel, Bonnie, and Harold all prepare to fight it again.
• Release: Travis pops up out of the water.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Travis tells them that the tunnel does indeed lead out to the Bay. He saw the dark water pass by him and head for the deep. It’s over. They can leave.

[Timothy Barley]

Diane!

I liked it. Gave me a “The Descent” kind of vibe. Could be really moody and claustrophobic horror thriller. (A handheld camera aesthetic could really amp that up). Going to reread it again to help offer some notes.

First impression: it kind of… ends. I think it needs more of a denouement. Like, they get close to a way out, having surpassed an obstacle or solved a mystery, and as they are rejoicing, they don’t notice the water beginning to rise again… Something like that.