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Lesson 16: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 3
Post your assignment for feedback. You can also put a request for a feedback partner in this feed.
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21 Replies
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LOGLINE: Nancy, an uptight New Yorker, is paired with Squire, an easy-going Texan, to work together on the disaster recovery team.
ESSENCE: Nancy wants to prove Squire is an unfit volunteer
EXT. DISASTER RECOVERY TEAM SITE, OKLAHOMA – DAY
Food kits and pallets of water are lined up ready to be distributed.
A large group of volunteers stand in front of FEMA manager, THOMAS, (40’s), waiting for instructions.
THOMAS
We’ll use the buddy system– one experienced volunteer paired with a newbie. Remember, people, we’re here to serve those who’ve lost their homes and all of their possessions in the tornado. We’re not heroes. Be sympathetic if someone has something to get off their chest, no judgment, but keep things moving! Any questions?
NANCY, 25, liberal New Yorker, trendy bib overalls, ponytail, neck bandana, scans the volunteers for familiar faces. She spots a hunky lumberjack type, CLANCY, at the end of the line. He glances her way, mouths ‘hello’. She gives him “fingers crossed” sign and he gives her a thumbs up.
Standing next to Clancy, SQUIRE, 50’s, grizzled bowlegged Texan, in cowboy get up, winks at Nancy, much to her horror.
THOMAS
Okay, let’s get moving. CLANCY, you’re with Margery —
ON Nancy, deflated.
THOMAS
Nancy, you’re with Squire —
Squire beams at her.
On Nancy, deflated.
Squire ambles toward Nancy.
SQUIRE
Howdy, sugarplum.
NANCY
Hello. And it’s Nancy, not sugarplum fairy.
SQUIRE
Beg your pardon, Miss Nancy. Name’s Squire, at your service. Here to learn the ropes.
NANCY
The ropes you need to learn are FEMA protocols and procedures, they’re printed on a sheet on the clipboard over there. Not to be rude, but you don’t look like the other volunteers I’ve trained. May I ask what brought you here today?
SQUIRE
(grinning)
You may.
NANCY
I thought I just did– Never mind. We need to set up our station for distribution…
LATER
The sun is blinding. It’s hot and muggy. The distribution queue is long, with no end in sight. Nancy’s neck bandana is drenched with sweat. She swats flies buzzing around her ears. She lugs a flat of bottled water to the cart of an Old Woman. Squire sits nearby on a folding stool, fanning himself with the clipboard.
NANCY
Squire! I could use your help! You’ve had more enough time to read everything on that clipboard.
SQUIRE
All you had to do is ask, darlin’.
NANCY
For the last time, my name is Nancy, not sugarplum, not darlin’, not little lady!
People in the line take notice of her irritation. A BURLY MAN steps out of line.
BURLY MAN
Let me help, sweetheart. Why don’t I handle things here while you cool off under that tree over there?
NANCY
Thank you, I appreciate your offer, but I’m in charge and I can’t leave the line without proper supervision.
SQUIRE
What’re they gonna do? Fire you? The beauty of being a volunteer is you can walk whenever you want.
NANCY
They can also fire you whenever they want. All right. I could use a five-minute break. Make sure no one takes more than their allotted ration.
He winks at her. She makes a left turn at the tree and heads straight to the tent area.
TENT – DAY
Nancy enters the tent. Thomas is going over a checklist. Looks up.
THOMAS
Hey, Nancy. It’s a hot one, isn’t it?
NANCY
Yes, it certainly is. I need to say something about Squire. I don’t think he’s not here to help. He has some kind of right wing agenda —
THOMAS
Whoa. What makes you think that?
NANCY
Everything. I mean, he hasn’t done anything specific yet, but he’s definitely not here to help.
THOMAS
Has he said something?
NANCY
No, but his attitude is all wrong. He doesn’t care about these people, and he’s lazy.
THOMAS
Stop there, Nancy. I think you need to admit that you simply don’t like the guy.
NANCY
I don’t but it’s more than that. I care about helping these people. If he did, too, he’d step up, put in the work to make a difference.
THOMAS
People volunteer for any number of reasons. Not all of them are altruistic. Let’s get through today and if you still feel uneasy working with him, I’ll put you with someone else tomorrow.
NANCY
I’m going to hold you to that. Thanks for listening, Thomas.
She hurries back toward her station. Stops short —
On Squire flirting and chatting up two Young Ladies, stalling the line.
Nancy breaks into a run. She doesn’t see his stool folded on the ground, trips over it, and goes flying… into Squire. They both tumble — she winds up lying on top of him on a pallet of water.
SQUIRE
Well howdy, doody. You miss me that bad, sugar?
Squire grins up at her, doesn’t move. Nancy has to gingerly climb off him. She sees everyone in the line staring. She blushes.
NANCY
Sorry, sorry! Let’s keep things moving, shall we?
Thomas approaches her with a worried look…
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Hi Mary
Here is my feedback for your scene, which I liked to read because of its great setting and well-chosen situation.
Traits and story arch
You did a good job on the two characters and their traits. I’ve seen most of them several times, and they make them get across pretty solid. I did not see Squire’s evasive trait (I also had problems with this trait). I also got the story arch.
Interest techniques
I could clearly identify “Creating a Future,” “Cliffhanger,” and “Uncomfortable Moment.”
I’m not sure if there are: “Hook,” “Dilemma,” “Predictions,” “Something unseen,” “Mystery,” or “Anticipatory Dialogue.”
English is not my mother tongue, so I may miss some things between the lines. In this case, sorry for not catching it.
I hope this helps, and all the best, Madeleine
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Hi Mary
Thank you for your comment! We almost commented simultaneously. I just thought that you also could have the weather more threatening during the scene… just thinking about it because you said you were hooked by the coming of winter.
Best, Madeleine
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Logline: A mother bear chooses the two most opposed bear youngsters to collect honey from the wild bees to secure their survival before winter starts.
Essence: Two young bears have to secure the survival of the bear family.
EXT. WILD RIVER LANDSCAPE, CANADA – DAY
Mama bear catches fresh salmons in the sunshine. Several bear cubs romp around on the riverbank.
Suddenly a large cloud covers the sun. Mama bear looks up anxiously and sniffs.MAMA BEAR
Snow?The cubs freeze and look toward their mother, also anxiously.
SQUIRE
So what! Let’s keep playing.
(pause)
Here Looli, catch the fish… you’re great at that.Mama bear shakes her head.
NANCY
Squire! Stop up! Remember last year?The bear cubs start to whine. Nancy whispers.
NANCY
We had a terrible winter… thanks to… Squire.The bear cubs nod.
SQUIRE
Hmm… yes… but… we finally had a great winter sleep.NANCY
Don’t play the innocent… we did not starve during winter because mama had good provisions and… I made sure that all the food got split equally.
(pause)
Remember, guys, I took good care of you?The cubs nod. Squire nestles against his mother.
SQUIRE
But… I helped too? No, mom?Mama bear shakes her head and pets Squire.
MAMA BEAR
I remember that you got yourself the biggest fish…Mama bear stops laughing when suddenly heavy snowfall sets in.
Mama bear scratches her head and looks desperate. She picks a daisy and tears off the petals, one by one, whispering incomprehensibly.
The bear cubs cluster around their mother. When mama bear tears off the last petal, she sights.
MAMA BEAR
Ok… remember we agreed to do your wildlife graduation at the end of summer?NANCY
Yes!MAMA BEAR
We have to do it now… otherwise…
(pause)
We might starve to death.The bear cubs freeze.
SQUIRE
But I did not have enough time to prepare…NANCY
Nobody had…MAMA BEAR
Nancy and Squire – stop! You will go and get the honeycomb. Now! And this is not just for fun… if you get the honey back, you already get your graduation – and next year… you’ll be with the adults.Squire gets even closer to mama bear.
SQUIRE
I bring you all the honey, promised mom… but please… not with Nancy… she is way too…Nancy gets between Squire and mama bear. She gets very close to her ear.
NANCY
Mom… Squire will keep the honey for himself… you know it. Let me go with Lolli… he’s stronger and faster… and not so egotistical.Mama bear shakes her head.
MAMA BEAR
I have my reasons… it’s you two… and hurry up… and remember… it’s in your paws if we’ll pass a good winter.Nancy and Squire loot at each other in disgust.
MAMA BEAR
Come back quickly… straight to our cave.The bear cubs wave goodbye as Nancy and Squire disappear in the heavy snowfall.
EXT. FOREST, CANADA – DAY
The ground is slightly covered with snow. Some fresh human footprints in it.EXT. FOREST, CANADA
Nancy stumps through the snow. Squire follows her and chases snowflakes. Nancy stands on her back paws and looks around.SQUIRE
I’ve never seen such large snowflakes…NANCY
Come on… where is the tree again?SQUIRE
Why don’t you search for the tree and then come back!Nancy pushes Squire in front of her.
NANCY
This is serious. Do you remember where the tree stands?SQUIRE
Of course… just follow me.Squire runs ahead, and Nancy follows him until they arrive at the bottom of a big tree. There is a giant bees’ nest a bit further up.
SQUIRE
Let me get up there…NANCY
Of course… as soon as you’re up there… you’ll grab the biggest part for yourself… it would have been so much better with Lolli…Squire dances in the snow.
SQUIRE
You know… I’m the better climber…NANCY
Maybe… but mama bear chose me because I care for the others…Squire starts to climb. The branches are already covered with snow and very slippery. Nancy tries to climb as well.
NANCY
Let me do it…Squire pushes Nancy down from above. But Nancy does not give up.
NANCY
Stop it…Squire throws snow at Nancy. But Nancy tries to get to the bee’s nest by climbing other branches.
Squire is definitively the better climber and reaches the bee’s nest first. He carefully watches it.
NANCY
Let me open it… I saw mama do it… you might get hurt…Suddenly, a couple of gun SHOTS. Squire groans and Nancy sees blood dripping into the white snow.
NANCY
Squire? Squire!Nancy looks to the top and sees Squire holding on to a branch without moving. Nancy quickly climbs backward, always looking back up.
NANCY
Squire… are you hurt?Suddenly, Squire falls from the branch and lands right before Nancy. Nancy does not really see Squire. He is covered with bees.
NANCY
You’re bleeding…Nancy tries to wipe the bees off Squire.
Another couple of gun SHOTS.
SQUIRE
I’m out of here…Squire gets up and starts to run, the bees following him. Nancy follows Squire.
NANCY
Are you ok?Also, Nancy is now covered with bees, and the entire swarm follows them as they run through the forest.
INT. CAVE, CANADA – DAY
Mama bear looks worried. The bear cubs play around.MAMA BEAR
Let me have a look outside… see if they’re soon back.Mama bear gets up and walks outside the cave. There is already a lot of snow, and she looks worried.
Suddenly she sees her two cubs approaching. They’re running like hell.MAMA BEAR
What a dream team.Then she squints her eyes.
MAMA BEAR
What’s this strange…
(pause)
Oh no!Mama bear turns around quickly and starts to run toward the cave.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Madeleind Gentinetta.
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Very enjoyable scene! Nancy’s confrontational and stubborn traits came through very strongly and she asserts that she’s caring rather than showing it, but she’s a cub! Her scheming trait was more overt than covert but it was certainly there. Squire is a bit evasive, and certainly selfish, as well as happy-go-lucky but not particularly seductive, although he is a charming little guy. I was hooked by the coming of winter, the dilemma they faced in order to survive the storm while obtaining the honey. Mama Bear certainly made a prediction about what was coming. The bees were unseen. Nancy has several occasions of anticipatory dialogue and the presence of humans certainly sets us up for trouble. It gets mighty uncomfortable when Squire is shot and the cubs are covered with bees. The scene ends on a cliffhanger of what will happen next and how badly hurt Squire is. Nice job!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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LOGLINE: Two high school students paired together in a biology lab pursue different interests and goals.
ESSENCE: Nancy wants the grade and she wants to coerce the arrogant Squire into doing some work, while Squire really just wants to make Nancy fall for him.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL BIO LAB – DAY
NANCY (15 years old, conservatively dressed) hunches over a frog dissection, deep in concentration. Her lab partner, SQUIRE (15, handsome, hip) blithely gazes around the room, checks his phone, and yawns.
NANCY
Try paying attention. It’s your crappy work I’m trying to fix.
SQUIRE
You’re the genius here. I’m just the pretty face.
NANCY
Flirt with your girlfriends on your own time. We’ve got work to do.
SQUIRE
I’ve got my best man on it. Sure A.
NANCY
You didn’t even read the chapter.
SQUIRE
Something came up.
NANCY
I bet. One of your girlfriends?
SQUIRE
Never mind.
NANCY
You’re going to fail this lab. The teacher will know you didn’t do any of the work.
SQUIRE
What do you want me to do?
NANCY
Expose this heart. And don’t puncture it.
Squire examines the frog, wrinkles his nose and stands back.
SQUIRE
Okay. Sure. In a minute.
NANCY
That’s what I thought. Don’t blame me for the grade you get on this.
SQUIRE
Are you going to the dance tonight?
NANCY
Why would I?
SQUIRE
Dances are fun. You know, new people? Friends? Romance? Do you have a boyfriend?
NANCY
(hands him the scalpel)
Focus on the frog, Romeo.
Nancy pauses her dissection to make notes in her lab book.
SQUIRE
A girlfriend?
NANCY
If you’re afraid to dissect a frog, just say so and I’ll save you.
Squire clumsily tries to find the heart. He slices into it.
SQUIRE
Shit.
NANCY
What’s your problem? No one’s that incompetent.
Squire straightens and hands the scalpel to Nancy.
SQUIRE
Can I copy your notes?
NANCY
No. Just keep out of my way.
SQUIRE
What makes you think I have a girlfriend?
NANCY
Please. I’ve seen you in the cafeteria. In the hallways. And you certainly don’t waste your nights doing homework.
SQUIRE
You think you know all about me because I didn’t do my homework last night, but that’s all you know about me.
NANCY
I know you’re a lazy, self-centered ass, and I’m not going to let you cost me an A on this lab.
SQUIRE
Grades, grades, grades. Is that all you think about? What do you do for fun?
Nancy hovers over the dissection, ignoring him.
SQUIRE
Come on, have you ever been kissed? You can tell me, I won’t tell anyone.
NANCY
Why don’t you go play with yourself in the bathroom?
SQUIRE
I really like your hair like that.
NANCY
Stop. I mean it. You’re insulting my intelligence.
SQUIRE
I’m completely sincere. You have a pretty face. The hair lets me see it. And the color brings out your eyes.
NANCY
You don’t have to be nice to me. I have to do the work either way and you’ll get a good grade out of it.
SQUIRE
Did it ever occur to you that I might actually be a pretty good student? Not in your class, but pretty good? I do my homework. I missed last night because I hurt my arm in practice. I was in the emergency room until midnight. It’s still not working right, that’s why I messed up your dead frog.
Nancy sits up and stares at him in sympathy, all thoughts of grades and the frog dissection gone.
NANCY
Okay, I’m sorry. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
I’m okay.
NANCY
You might be wise to stay home tonight and rest.
SQUIRE
No. The dance will get my mind off my problems. I’d like it if you’d dance with me. At least one dance? It would mean a lot.
NANCY
I wasn’t going to go.
SQUIRE
Would you change your mind?
NANCY
Are you setting me up? Getting me there so you and your friends can make fun of me?
SQUIRE
I’m not like that. I want to dance with you. I want to know who you are.
He eyes her notebook.
SQUIRE
Can I copy your notes?
NANCY
The dissection is a mess. You severed the heart and I don’t know how you did it but the intestinal tract is completely mashed.
SQUIRE
But your notes are perfect, and that’s what counts.
</div>
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Hi James
I had a quick look at your scene… not much time, unfortunately – here are my observations.
Situation, scene arch, and traits:
It’s a cool scene with the dissection of the frog. I found almost all of Nancy and Squire’s character traits. I did not see Nancy being “scheming” or her subtext “scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.”
I did not see “situation: two people who don’t trust each other are teamed up to do a job.”. The scene starts, and they’re already a team. I did not see so much of the scene arch end “total mess out of the situation” because Squire is cutting the frog’s heart in the middle, which I considered “being the mess.”
Interest techniques:
I did not see the following:
Dilemma
Anticipatory Dialogue
Uncomfortable moment
Cliffhanger
English is not my mother tongue, so I may miss some things between the lines. In this case, I’m sorry for not catching it, and as mentioned in the beginning… I did not have much time.
I hope these comments are helpful for the next draft.
All the best, Madeleine
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hi James,
I love this idea – two students who do not get on. I found it amusing.
Arguably, Squire trusts Nancy to get the job done, so maybe not distrustful. I found all the traits except ‘scheming’. If there was a twist at the end and she’d been scheming the whole time, that would have been something.
Squire is persistently seductive! And I loved that he tapped into Nancy’s caring side, and she was falling for it. Nice touch.
What if she yelled ‘stop’ as the opening line because he’s going to mess up the dissection. Could work as a bit of a hook.
There were other techniques: prediction, Nancy has a dilemma, Squire creates a future at the dance… I wonder if they could have had some more uncomfortable moments; like if Squire lied, but Nancy already knows the truth about something; and Squire could identify a passion of Nancy’s… just throwing some extra ideas out.
Anyway, hope that helps. Great idea 🙂
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I also enjoyed the scene. My notes: Nancy is primarily confrontational and stubborn. I didn’t spot her scheming or caring trait or her covert competitiveness – she comes right out with it. Squire is primarily seductive and a bit evasive. Nancy wasn’t going to buy anything he said, so I’d add that she has trust issues or a suspicious nature. I loved the climax of the scene when he asks to copy her notes (thus validating her suspicions!) but I agree we could use a cliffhanger that could involve whether she will show up at the dance. I saw anticipatory dialogue, a future, the uncomfortable moment but no dilemma, unless Squire says something to a buddy in the setup which implies his need to turn her around.
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LOGLINE: Estranged parents must work together to talk their child out of committing a crime
ESSENCE: A teenager forces his parents to pay him some attention
EXT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH – DAY
NANCY, early 40s, a well-groomed woman in a business suit, speaks into a cell phone that she holds in front of her mouth, the phone on speaker.
NANCY
Put the gun down now!
She eyes the POLICE OFFICER next to her.
NANCY
If you want what I think you want, you…
JOHN
What is it I want?
NANCY
That’s what we’re going to talk about.
JOHN
We’re talking now.
SQUIRE, 40s, good-looking, dressed in jeans, boots, open neck shirt, offers a wry smile as he leans against the police car, listening to the conversation.
Nancy notices. She’s annoyed.
NANCY
We’ll talk face to face. You put the gun down and come on out.
JOHN
No can do.
Nancy covers the phone, speaks to Squire.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Nance, you’re still issuing commands. He ain’t no kid no more.
NANCY
You think this is my fault?
SQUIRE
I didn’t say that.
NANCY
That’s our son in there. Don’t you care?
Squire evades the question, looking to the school.
NANCY
John, your father wants to speak to you.
Nancy forces the phone on a reluctant Squire.
SQUIRE
Hey Buddy, how you doing?
Nancy can hardly believe the idiocy of the question.
Squire turns his back on her.
SQUIRE
We gotta get together and have a yak about what’s going on.
JOHN
Sure Dad.
Squire turns to Nancy with a smile.
SQUIRE
There you go. I knew you’d see reason, Buddy.
JOHN
Come on in and we’ll talk.
SQUIRE
Ah, well, the idea is, we talk when you come out here.
JOHN
No can do, Pa.
Johnny ends the call.
SQUIRE
No such thing as can’t, John… John?
NANCY
Oh for goodness sake!
Nancy grabs the phone off Squire and starts walking towards the school.
NANCY
Johnny? Johnny? How do I get this number back?
The Police Officer steps over to stop her.
OFFICER
Ma’am!
Nancy keeps walking.
NANCY
He wants to talk.
OFFICER
I can’t let you go in there.
NANCY
He’s my son. I’m going in one way or another.
The Officer now has no cover. He gives up, beaten by this stubborn woman. He appeals to Squire.
OFFICER
Sir.
SQUIRE
Hey, it’s her funeral.
OFFICER
Sir!
SQUIRE
Nance! C’mon, what you doing?
NANCY
You afraid of your own son, Squire?
SQUIRE
(under his breath)
Shit.
He darts after her.
SQUIRE
You don’t know what he’s capable of.
Nancy just looks at him as she strides on, her question still floating in the air, phone to her ear now.
Squire falls into step with her. The police panic behind their vehicle protection.
NANCY
Come on, Johnny, pick up.
SQUIRE
If he’s not picking up we shouldn’t be going in here.
Nancy keeps walking, Squire keeping up.
INT. ROOM – DAY
JOHNNY, an High School Senior in a hoodie, smirks at the phone ringing next to him.
He takes his time picking it up, hesitates, then accepts the call.
INT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH CORRIDOR – DAY
Nancy and Squire stand uncertainly in the corridor.
NANCY
Thank you for taking the call, Johnny.
JOHN
Hey Dad, have you talked to Mom about your girlfriend yet?
Nancy swings around, staring hard at Squire.
SQUIRE
Sure. Sure I have.
(winks at Nancy)
Good one Johnny.
NANCY
You arsehole! I knew it.
NANCY
Where are you Johnny?
JOHN
Does Dad know about that account you’ve been shifting money into for years?
It’s Nancy’s turn to cover up.
SQUIRE
Woah! You gotta be kidding.
NANCY
Well, it looks like I was right to do it.
SQUIRE
Wait, wait, wait – That’s effectively cheating on me.
NANCY
No, that’s what you’re doing!
Squire turns away.
SQUIRE
True to form, Babe. Straight onto the attack.
JOHN
Just like I thought, you two are so selfish and stubborn, even now you can only focus on yourselves.
NANCY
Where are you, John? We’re in the building. We need to talk face to face.
Silence.
NANCY
John. We’re here to help. Tell us where you are?
JOHN
I’m not in the building.
A moment as this registers.
SQUIRE
Then where are you, Buddy?
JOHN
I left. With all the other kids, then I called and pretended I was the shooter.
SQUIRE
Okay. You want to tell us why?
JOHN
I guess… I guess wanted to get your attention.
NANCY
You have our attention now.
SQUIRE
If you’re not… where’s the real shooter now, John?
JOHN
I guess he’s still in the school.
Nancy and Squire make real eye contact for the first time.
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Hi Andrew
What a fantastic scene! I read the first line and was hooked.
You did a great job on almost everything: situation, scene arch, traits, subtexts, and interest techniques. I love the way you handle Squire’s subtext.
The two things I did not see: Nancy’s subtext and mystery. Maybe it’s there, but I did not spot it.
You could end with some gunshots and then silence to heighten the cliffhanger.
A great pleasure to read.
Best, Madeleine
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Really creative scene! I think you hit all the assigned bits, especially the twist/cliff-hanger ending. Well done!
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Hi Andrew… This is an interesting read… a difficult subject, that takes twist and turns. I was holding my breath the whole time… Makes me wonder what the next scene would be. Good job!
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Thanks all for the encouragement. A few drafts on this one… pleasing result I think. The process is working!
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L:16 PLEASE EXCHANGE CRITIQUE ON CYCLE #3 SCENE
Audrey
Logline: Divorced parents try to plan their son’s engagement dinner.
Essence: Unresolved grudges will surface between lovers.
EXT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, QUEBEC LODGE – DAY
Nestled in the Laurentian Mountains. Ski territory. Picturesque. Feels magical. It’s Blustery winter day. NANCY, every hair in place, 40-ish, Jimmy Choo shoes, and Italian Suede everything. And SQUIRE, late 40’s, classic casual and looks happy. They’re hurrying to their destination when they bump into each other.
SQUIRE
Oh, Nan!…
He goes to hug her, but it’s awkward. So they don’t.
(taking her in)
You look great!
NANCY
Thanks!
Squire looks up at the Mount Tremblant sign. Raises an eyebrow…
SQUIRE
Can you believe our Jason? I remember when he was born. A full head of hair, and the white of his eyes were soft blue… that newborn smell.
Takes a deep breath reminiscing the scent.
SQUIRE
Umm!
Nancy isn’t the least bit moved.
NANCY
Yeah, the sooner we get through this the better.
SQUIRE
C’mon, Nan. I think we can do this without any animosity.
NANCY
Don’t call me Nan. No one calls me that. Nan was when we were married which we are not!
She enters. Squire follows.
INT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, LODGE, DINING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rustic charming. And it’s a sample tasting! The MAITRE D’ greets Nancy… La Bise, (two people kissing both cheeks). He clearly knows her, and he leads Nancy and Squire to their exquisitely set table.
MAITRE D’
(to Nancy)
Puis-je vous obtenir quelque chose?
(translation))
(Can I get you anything?)
NANCY
Merci! Comme vous le savez, J’ai deja decide du repas.
Juste le faire senitir important.
(translation)
(Thank you! As you know, I’ve already decided on the meal. Just making him feel important.)
The Maitre d’ smiles, scurrying away.
SQUIRE
I speak English. I prefer that you don’t speak French for this thing.
NANCY
Fine!… Well, I already know that the popular choices for dinner are Poultry and Fish.
SQUIRE
I think we should have a vegan menu.
NANCY
Why?
SQUIRE
My wife is a vegan.
NANCY
Maybe she should bring her own food.
Squire laughs. Nancy does not.
NANCY
(beat)
Why do you insist on parading your poor taste in front of our friends and family and at our son’s engagement dinner?
SQUIRE
I’m prepared to pay extra for the vegan menu.
NANCY
She can’t come!
SQUIRE
What!
(beat)
You can’t mean that–
NANCY
— I do!
SQUIRE
We’re adults. Let’s show everyone that we’re bigger than petty grievances…
NANCY
… Petty? You left me broke!
SQUIRE
We can be mutually compassionate. Hell, if anyone should be mad, it should be me. You left… remember?
NANCY
Don’t you dare deflect… You talk like you’ve got cobwebs in your damn head. Next, you’ll be asking if we can all sit together.
SQUIRE
Well, that’s what I was thinking!
Maitre d’ crosses with a tray of small dishes. LOADS the table with delicacies.
MAITRE D’
Monsieur, Madam — Quest-ceque–
SQUIRE
(clears his throat)
— English… please… And thank you!
MAITRE D’
(to Squire)
These are samples of appetizers, the poultry, fish dishes, and the petite desserts…
Nancy and Squire take plates from the tray.
SQUIRE
(to Maitre d’)
Do you have a vegan menu?
MAITRE D’
Yes, of course–
NANCY
— We don’t need a vegan menu.
SQUIRE
Yes.. We do!
NANCY
I don’t think we do!
Nancy stabs whatever is on her plate.
SQUIRE
You wanna fight about one dinner?
NANCY
Uh, huh!
And she begins to repeatedly eviscerate what’s on her plate…
The Maitre d’ slowly backs away.
SQUIRE
Look!… I made some mistakes. That thing with the Hooker and the money… I wasn’t in my right mind. I’m sober and clean–
Nancy’s stabs the food with each syllable she utters.
NANCY
–and with CANDY.
(under her breath)
What grown woman calls herself Candy?
(beat)
Oh, wait! And she’s the indiscretion…
SQUIRE
You know what? We’ve done something right. We’ve got this amazing son. And I want to thank you for not turning him against me. Because angry women do that!–
Nancy’s eye’s narrow, lips pucker…
NANCY
— I’m not angry. This was about showing you, you can’t break me.
SQUIRE
(beat)
Nancy, our son will take his lead from us. It’s like making a box cake. Follow the instructions and it’ll all work out fine.
(beat)
What’d you want me to do?
Nancy gives him a hard stare…
NANCY
If she must come…do not introduce your wife to my friends or family.
She will sit at the furthest table from me… and if you have children with her, do not EVER say the I’m their stepmother.
Squire stabs something on the plate before him.
SQUIRE
I can’t even believe that I would ever say anything like this to you…
(beat)
I still love you!
Puts the food in his mouth.
ON HIM as he walks out.
LONG PAUSE
Nancy stares after Squire.
Then, Nancy raises her hand, getting the attention of the Maitre d’.
NANCY
Sil vous plait apporter le menu vegetalien.
(translation)
Please bring me a vegan menu.
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Hi Audrey-
You’ve done a good job describing the difficult situation and vividly describing the setting. Nancy’s scheming, conniving, and stubborn traits are well portrayed. You might want to play more with her subtext, shifting from overtly competitive to more covertly competitive, maybe concerning the affection of their son. You might want to show Nancy’s trait of caring subtly earlier in the dialogue, as it only comes through at the end.
Squire’s character traits of being happy-go-lucky were great; however, his other traits, such as evasive, selfish, and seductive, did not come through as clearly and could use more development, as well as his subtext as a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others, could be strengthened.
Just a few thoughts about the interest techniques – consider adding in a cliffhanger and developing dialogue that would weave in more subtext and mystery.
Great work – I enjoyed reading this:)
Shelley
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Thanks for the feedback. I’m still having trouble with Mastering the Techniques. Subtext can be eluding. I’m working on it! Thanks again!
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LOGLINE: In the water corporation conference room, secret agendas and conflicts of interests cause chaos when Squire’s ordered to deliver a Cease-and-Desist order to a prying journalist.
ESSENCE: In the wake of desire, control, and power, the purity of purpose is forgotten.
SCENE: INT. WATER CORPORATION BOARDROOM – DAY
Nancy, a petite Jewish woman (38), is the former owner’s sister of the Water Company. Married to William (60), the head honcho of the water company’s board of directors, she’s dressed in a black suit, red turtleneck, and black pumps.
Squire (40), wearing sunglasses, has longish wiry unbrushed loose hair and is dressed in plaid flannel and jeans.
Nancy and Squire, unbeknownst to anyone, are having an affair; and planning to take over the corp. They need to get rid of William if they want to succeed. William is suspicious of their dealings.
Entering the Water Corp lobby, Nancy, looking for Squire, spies William and Squire in the hallway.
NANCY
(Sarcastically to Squire)
We can always count on you to dress for the occasion.
Nancy brushes between William and Squire to pour her coffee before entering the boardroom.
WILLIAM
I hope you and Nancy have got this right this time.
SQUIRE
Nancy and I have got this one. Don’t worry.
NANCY
You might be good-looking, but I’m confident I’ve got it.
SQUIRE
Always trying to steal the spotlight-aren’t we?
Looking at his watch, William shakes his head and heads into the boardroom. Squire comes in close and intimately whispers in Nancy’s ear.
SQUIRE
(Light/Seductive-Flippant)
Hey babe- I love you when you’ve got that serious look. What’s up?
NANCY
I’m not sure you are looking at the big picture; someone must be serious here.
Whose side are you on? It’s time to cut her loose. I just wanted you to see what she was up to, and now you’re getting too close. If I knew better, I’d think you have feelings for her.
SQUIRE
Jealous? You can’t take I’m having fun with it all while waiting for you to leave William.
NANCY
I’m being strategic; we’ve been married for 15 years, unlike you…
SQUIRE
(Walking away-whispering, sticking his tongue in her ear)
I’m heading in.
NANCY
Squire- not here.
If you don’t do this, your…our… life will be in ruins.
Get called in. At the conference, everyone has a bottle of spring water. William’s eyes are glued to Nancy and Squire as they are the last to enter. Nancy, the center of attention, deliberately stays standing.
WILLIAM
Nance, take your seat, please.
This meeting is adjourned.
NANCY
(Smiling sweetly)
Whatever you say…darling.
WILLIAM
As you know, we are here today to hear from Squire, whose been working with Nancy. Let’s go right to his proposal for improving community relations.
SQUIRE
We all know the wells are going dry, and people are getting desperate. We must show our integrity and uphold our family legacy and goodwill with the community. We have been true to this since the original people were on this land.
NANCY
(Breaks in)
What…that’s not.
The company has been loose with the rules way before our time. Whose side are you on? What are you getting at?
WILLIAM
Nancy, you know our protocol about interrupting a speaker.
Not even you-
SQUIRE
Look here; the proposal is simple. It’s time we invite our indigenous relations to be included in our water discussions. First, we can create goodwill and benefit the community by taking down the old dam and restoring the river so the salmon can run.
NANCY
This is preposterous, Squire-your ancestors are going to roll over in their graves!
Chaos erupts, and all members are in an uproar.
NANCY CON’T
(Turning to William) Do something. (Turning to the board members) Speaking of the river, if we don’t hold to our bottom line, our profits are going to pour into the sea.
WILLIAM
Squire, go on…
NANCY CONT
(Stands up)
We have more pressing things than this! There’s word about an investigative journalist prying into the water company business. It’s time we deliver the Cease and Desist!
SQUIRE
What the heck are you talking about?
The boardroom is bubbling with noise, William slams his gavel on the table-
WILLIAM
Let’s have some order here.
We have two agendas here today. (Looking at Nancy) The second one we need to address-but let’s give Squire the time to finish.
SQUIRE
(Eyes on Nancy)
I am done. Go on…
Nancy, how come I wasn’t told about this?
WILLIAM
Well…There’s talk of an investigative journalist on the property. She needs to be curtailed, and we need to find out what she’s up to. Squire, you seem to be already engaging with her-so it’s been decided that you will be the one to hand her the cease and desist.
SQUIRE
What…I can’t…I have no idea what you are talking about.
NANCY
I told you… Your family ties aren’t going to get you out of this one. There have already been too many missed opportunities. Your job is already wobbly, and you’re getting another chance. Don’t mess this one up.
SQUIRE
(Stands up-pushes his chair back into the table)
I got better things to do. I value my time and relationships, unlike some people here.
WILLIAM
Squire. You need to do this.
We need to protect the family interests and the Corp.
SQUIRE
Ease up, Will, you’re not my father. What about my proposal?
WILLIAM CON’T
We want to see the happy-go-lucky guy land with all the benefits for you – and the company.
(Looking at the others at the table) If you get this job done, then we will ALL consider your proposal, right Nancy?
Squire gets up to leave, brushes his hair back, puts his sunglasses on, and heads toward the door. Looking at Nancy, he winks. Nancy with arms crossed is fuming.
SQUIRE
(Parroting Williams’s tone and posture)
OK, ready to rock and roll here. And Nancy… don’t forget to bring the balloons!
WILLIAM
(sternly)
Squire, not so fast.
Here- (hands him the envelope) you have 24 hours.
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Hi Andrew… This is an interesting read… a difficult subject, that takes a twists and turns. I was holding my breath the whole time… Makes me wonder what the next scene would be. Good Job!
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Logline: Their past condemns the future
Essence: This is why it didn’t work
————-Begin Scene—————-
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Nancy and Bubba Squire, not long divorced, meet to plan their son’s baseball team’s upcoming celebration banquet. Nancy is not thrilled at having to see Squire, but if it means providing for her son….
NANCY
(exasperated)
Why can’t the past be the past? Why am I looking at you now?
SQUIRE
Who would you rather be looking at?
NANCY
I don’t know. Jabba the Hutt, maybe.
SQUIRE
He’s one charming devil alright, but not nearly good looking enough for you.
NANCY
And you are?
SQUIRE
Well, I didn’t say that, but now that you mention it, you did use to think so.
NANCY
Before you talked me into selling my house —
SQUIRE
— our house —
NANCY
— and giving you all the money to open a stupid restaurant. Now I think you look like a really bad dream…. But I guess I’m gonna have to look past that if we’re gonna get this project done for the boys.
SQUIRE
You’re a beautiful woman, Nancy. Thank you.
NANCY
Everyone is thrilled to hear that you’re paying for the food and the event space.
SQUIRE
I never said that.
NANCY
No? Somehow they got that idea. And now they’re counting on it.
SQUIRE
Well they won’t even need all their fingers. I’ll kick in five bucks. That’s it.
NANCY
You are so generous, Squire.
SQUIRE
Hey, anything for you darlin’, including dinner tonight. At Fredo’s, your favorite Italian place if I remember right.
NANCY
What part of all that did you not understand?
SQUIRE
It’s just that you look so good today…. I’m captivated by your everlasting beauty. And I’m thinking about how it used to be with us, so sweet, so sexy…. In fact, maybe we should have sex one last time. After dinner tonight.
NANCY
(incredulous)
Really?
SQUIRE
One last time.
NANCY
We already did that…. Listen, I care about you, Squire, as much as you infuriate me. I always will. In some way, I suppose. You’re my son’s father. But that’s all there is. So don’t push it. We had our time. And now it’s over…. Did you bring those sconces?
SQUIRE
No, I decided to keep them.
NANCY
I really wanted those. Did you keep the other good stuff for yourself too?
SQUIRE
No, it all went in the liquidation.
NANCY
So we’re gonna split the money?
SQUIRE
We would, except there wasn’t even enough to pay all the bills.
NANCY
So you’re broke? And you want to take me out to dinner? How would you even pay for it?
SQUIRE
I’m not that broke.
NANCY
Just enough so you can’t pay for the banquet.
SQUIRE
I told you, I never said I would.
NANCY
But it’s our son, Squire. How’s he gonna feel? His father not paying for his team celebration when everyone’s expecting it and looking forward to the big evening.
SQUIRE
Hey! I never said I would! Okay? You told them that to make me look bad!
NANCY
You’re doing a good job of that all by yourself. You do not need me for that.
SQUIRE
Hell, I don’t need you for anything, Nancy.
NANCY
Well then. Glad we got that settled. And you know what? That’s just fine because I’m gonna go now and find some way to pull off this celebration for the boys. And that’s mutual, by the way. Goodbye, Squire.
——END SCENE—–
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Bill Southwell writes the QE #3 Scene REWRITE
What I have learned is that Dialogue is driven by the character traits. And that the writer can deliberately put in actions such as cliffhangers that add interest.
LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire are detectives just assigned together for the first time to investigate a family dispute. They are enroute in a car.
ESSENCE: (The relationship between Nancy and Squire begins with distrust and ends with a sudden change of feeling)
Squire
(driving) Wow, this is great. I have been wishing to be assigned with you ever since you came on the force.
Nancy
Don’t get your hopes up buddy, this is just a temporary assignment. I have heard about other encounters you have had with other female detectives. What can you tell me about that?
Squire
(Ignores the question) I just like having a good time. This work gets gruesome too much of the time.
(back to business) Will you call in to see what we may expect at this home? Is it a violent dispute?
Nancy,
NO! I am not your girl-Friday. We were told the wife called in that her husband was getting rough with her.
Squire
I didn’t know that. I’m not trying to suppress you in any way, sweetheart. I would like to be on your good side.
Nancy
That’s nice. I do care for you. So, after this visit will you do something for me? Drive over to the Hillside Mall? I want to pick up something.
Squire
That is quite far and out of our jurisdiction. We shouldn’t do that.
Nancy
I don’t understand you! You are sweet to me, but you refuse to do me a little favor. What am I to make of that? Why are you like this? Did you have a conflicted relationship that hangs over you?
Squire
(again, ignores her question) No need to get riled up. You know we must be respectable in our profession.
Nancy
(pause) Tell you what. You take me to the Mall and I will be in and out in 3 minutes.
Squire
I am beginning to see why others don’t want to work with you.
Nancy
What are you talking about? Tell me what you have heard. It’s all lies!
Squire
I will not leave our jurisdiction. But I wish I could do something to please you.
Nancy
(another pause) There is a donut shop in that Mall. I will buy you a chocolate glazed. Doesn’t that make your mouth water?
Suddenly, as they drive through an intersection they are hit by a high speed car running a red light. Their car rolls. When it comes to rest it is up-side down. Nancy and Squire are both dangling—held up by their seat belts. Squire is unconscious. Nancy is less injured but stunned. After a few moments she realizes she is alive and fumbles to find her seat belt. Finally successful, she releases her seat belt and she drops to what is now the top of the car. She sees that Squire is unresponsive.
Nancy
Squire! Can you hear me?
Nancy is in great pain but sees that Squire is much worse off. But she is too weak to release his seat belt or even attempt to get herself out of the car.
Nancy
Squire. Forgive me. Please, please, wake up.
Finally, sirens are heard.
End of Scene
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