Lesson 16: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 3

[Christi Falk]

For Mike – an interesting change up of the directions. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it when I first read it but I loved the uniqueness of Nancy’s voice the first time around. Much less moving parts in this one but then when more people are added it tends distract from the attributes. Sometimes they seem to pull the traits to themselves. Excellent use of surprise with the fire!

[Michael Jones]

Christi —

A fun scene and the characters are well-defined from the opening description. The charm and competitiveness come off effectively, especially the back and forth over about starting the fire and cleaning the fish (and since the smell of fish and cleaning is incredibly disgusting, for me it adds to the humour—I live on Vancouver Island people love to fish!) An attraction between the two really plays into the subtext because whatever the scheme of Nancy or charm of Squire, it appears the tactics of each will have the opposite effect and bring the two together in a genuine way.

I think you can use your scenes as writing samples, if you choose, just change the names. You can also indicate this as an exercise for practicing traits and entertainment techniques that you can apply however much and in any way to your work. If you really love a scene adapt it into your script. The prompt is copyright but what you do with it is your own.

We’re almost there, at the end, and it seem like a lot now—I think we all feel it. But, when you’re done you’ll have strategies to make scenes, respond to notes from a producer and have techniques to change scenes that you think can’t otherwise be changed.

[Christi Falk]

Thanks Mike! I’ve actually requested clarification on where we end and the Copyright begins. I mean, absolutely, we don’t want to show how the prompts were developed but we’re all making some pretty awesome stuff and it would be cool if some of it could be salvaged.

[Susan]

For Mike:
I am going to be very picky for elevation purposes, so please forgive me…. Also you know what you were going for and I may be missing something.

In the original (which I like)
The goals and logline are more peaked in this version so it has more umph. Also the setting is great. Nancy’s covert competition comes through with the machete, the Gorilla finders line, although Squire’s response is not seductive, charming, happy-go-lucky, or evasive. And her stubbornness shows through with her response digging in her feet with about getting a guide.
Squire ignores her here, which is both evasive and selfish. He insults her a lot so we need to know how he is doing that in order to see the seductiveness of it.
Nancy is then caring fixing him up, and then scheming by sneaking the key out of his pocket, but she seems happier to have Squire get his air time with the Silverback more than once (which fits her scheming) but is not very caring since she just mouths some words and leaves him behind instead of helping him.
Funny use of his seductiveness with the Female Gorilla!
Nancy’s scheming continues to come through until the end.
This:
GORILLA ROCK
Nancy arrives at an odd shaped rock, a monument of an aeolian process in a form like a gorilla. She pulls out the paper, lines it up and goes to the back of the left foot, steps back five paces and starts digging.
I had to look up aeolian and I actually took Earth Science in school (although that was over 50 years ago). I knew it was some type of erosion, but which? You don’t want to make the Producers feel stupid, so just tell them a wind eroded monument to Gorillas or something.
I mentioned earlier about the Gorilla putting the crown on. It would make more sense if it was set up, like Nancy actually put it on for a moment or the Gorilla came to the scene with a leaf or flower crown on already.
If it was me I’d just drop this part entirely:
NANCY
I was always the more talented one. You never should’ve been ahead of me.
SQUIRE
Not really the time.
Great mess in the end, and very memorable.

In the Revision (which I like)
NANCY hits confrontational, but Freya steels her thunder a bit.
Nancy’s scheming seems to take place in a scene before this one so we don’t see it (except for when she tells Squire to blow on the torch to put it out).
e.g.:
NANCY
I put up with him for the last hour trying to get him to help us and you just show up and it’s, “Hey, no problem, whatever you want.”
SQUIRE
I told you not to bet me. Unfair odds.

I like the way you pitted her caring against her stubbornness a little later when she refuses to tell Freya what their goal is, but then relents when Freya is about to burn Squire.

And for the subtext her competitiveness appears to be out in the open and not covert.
e.g.:
SQUIRE
What do you think?
NANCY
I told you it would work.
SQUIRE
I told you.
NANCY
I thought it up.
SQUIRE
I made that thought reality.
NANCY
We…we made it happen.

SQUIRE
We definitely see Squire’s Selfish, Happy-go-lucky and Seductive sides, but he is not very evasive. He appears to use his other traits to annoy, to get what he wants, and to control, but not evade.

For this trope:
“If we tell you we gotta burn your camp down.”
is put a bit differently but based on a way too widely used cliche (that I’m personally tired of hearing, although I know guys usually always get a kick out of it anyway).
And, I understand you are setting up for when he sets the mess tent on fire, but you could do something different instead, such as Squire almost setting fire to something earlier, or stating he’d like to set someone or some part of someone/thing on fire.

Really funny exchange here:
NANCY
How’s your face?
SQUIRE
It’s fine. Why do you ask?
She slaps him.
SQUIRE
I’d like to change my answer.

And this is a nice way to make us curious about who Squire is, and why someone else would behave that way if they were that “thing” as well, but it would only work if this is at the beginning of the film and we didn’t know who Squire was yet.
DAVE
Doesn’t do much for himself, huh?
NANCY
Would you?
Maybe that was just a woman talking to a guy, but I’m not sure it does anything for Nancy as she probably would not want to be confrontational with Dave as she is scheming to get his help.

You did great with both the original and the revision in the two characters making a complete mess out of the situation. In the revision I hope Freya just makes Squire deaf in one ear, and Squire and Nancy both get to get on with their treasure hunt in your original scene! Great work.

And again I’m being very picky for elevation purposes. 😉

[Michael Jones]

Thanks for the detailed response. Great points and suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to do so. Sorry I’m not more detailed:)

[Susan]

I’m glad you didn’t mind. I thought we should be going into more detail by now and it was good practice for me too. I made some changes to my revision, but anything you see at all that could use a boost, please let me know. Thanks.

[Susan]

For Christi:

Really good scene, maybe you don’t see it because you’re not feeling well.

I love Nancy using soap to clean the fish UGH!

I see a lot of her confrontation and stubbornness, but not so much caring and scheming. Her subtext totally comes through here.

With Squire I see a lot of Happy-Go-Lucky and Seductive, but not so much Evasive and Selfish.

As an example, if he came in right away and said how about you get the fish and I’ll get the fire, we’d know he didn’t want to do the fish and was being selfish. I also don’t see his subtext of using charm to control.

It is a short scene (and that is fine, some scenes need to be short), however if you want to get all the traits in I believe you’d need to expand the scene and make it a little longer with more things going wrong because of their traits and subtext.

The only other thing I could say is that a couple of times the Action could be more direct…

e.g.

Squire has lit the newspaper he crumbled with a match and is blowing on it, putting in twigs.

into

Squire lights the crumpled newspaper (you could have him crumbling it earlier) with a match and blows on it, adding twigs.

Otherwise really funny, romantic comedy material and excellent dialogue.

[Christi Falk]

For Susan,

The scene was brilliant, hit all the notes, I really enjoyed it. I especially loved how you can set a tactile scene with the hooves beating. I could almost smell the place.

Also, and I know I’ve mentioned this before but you’ve got a real talent for writing female characters.

Great and very creative job! One of these times I should try to do the fantasy or sci fi turn.

[Susan]

Thanks Christi.

[Michael Jones]

Susan —

We immediately see Anne’s scheming trait and competitiveness by taking the missive. Not to mention the humour that envisions. Squire waving a “toodle-oo” shows that he’s taking Anne’s actions in a ‘happy-go-lucky’ way. Squire’s seduction and pleasant manner in in “nibbling Anne’s ear” and getting the parchment back really comes through. I like when he tries it again, rubbing “his nose on Anne’s cheek” (the prompts don’t say he has to be good at it). Squire’s “jig” at the news shows his selfish ambition, especially with the, “I will.” No “we,” I guess. Even when he’s not taking in the details of the king’s arrival but concerned about getting himself ready, and even later when he fusses over himself, not thinking about getting anything else ready.

Anne’s caring trait evidenced while fixing Squire’s “bleeding” hand. I think she seems more caring than just scheming when she takes from her purse to give the cook the means to acquire the necessaries for the king’s visit.

Cleverly confrontational when she smacks him in the noggin with the “hand mirror” (no doubt she’s used to his seduction and charms). Especially taking his “bonnet” and refusing to refer to him as Esquire. But at this point, I’m asking, “Why? Is this guy unaware of what’s at stake? What’s he up to?” And then, the evasion. He’s not worried. Why? He’s got a “Bengal Tiger!” What a guy. Nice twist. It’s unexpected. His happy-go-lucky trait borders on absent-minded but it works, especially when the Tiger lifts it’s leg and douses him in its personal ‘cologne.’

Another twist with the Tiger escaping its cage and Anne still helping Squire when he trips. I think Squire’s been in the wine cellar.

You really succeeded in applying the situation and seen arc. You have several interest techniques, including the end where this whole scene has been creating a future, and leaving us with a cliffhanger. Uncomfortable moment with the tiger spray. Predictions about the king’s entourage arrival, the dilemma, the hook. You have suspense, interesting setting (in the alternate history world of King Henry VII), major twist with the tiger, and surprise both with the urination and the tiger breaking free.

Great work, fun scene.

[Susan]

Thank you for all your encouraging feedback Mike.