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Lesson 17
Reply to post your assignment.
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17 Replies
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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃
🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠
🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧
🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Sorry for the delay everyone. I’m working some serious OT before Christmas. Money doesn’t grow on trees!
Title: Forever Home
Logline- Maxine is dealing with new roommate Renee, who lied about their living situation.
Essence-Roommates adjust their living expectations.
Trait I changed: Maxine’s. Tricky to Feline. I thought, this woman has the personality of a cat. Why not?
Forever Home
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
RENEE, 30s, perfectly set without a hair out of place, walks proudly towards her three story walk up. As she ascends the stairs, there’s a barely perceptible bulge in her coat. A SHADOW watches from her window.
Behind her, JOSIE and BOBBY, 28, a dink couple in their glory, call out.
BOBBY
Renee! You’re home early.
Renee turns on a fashionable heel to greet both with a thousand watt smile.
RENEE
Bobby and… Jenny.
JOSIE
It’s Josie.
Renee looks crestfallen.
RENEE
Josie of course. Why do I keep forgetting?
JOSIE
Only you know that.
Facade in place, Renee glances at the NO PETS ALLOWED sign on the front door before continuing her small talk.
RENEE
I just thought what a beautiful day to run a few errands.
BOBBY
How’s the crusade to change the bylaws.
Renee lets out a sigh. Her favorite topic.
RENEE
Tiresome but ultimately rewarding. There’s nothing better than knowing you’ve improved where you live.
JOSIE
That coat is looking a bit tight.
Bobby elbows her in the ribs. Renee smooths out the slight bulge.
RENEE
Why, yes, I have gained 3 and a half pounds since last winter but I still fit this coat.
She smiles as she looks at Josie and touches her own well tailored shoulder as she looks to Josie’s frayed coat.
BOBBY
Well, have a great weekend!
RENEE
Wait, you two, I forget my manners. Would you like to come over? I’d love to get your opinion on some new drapes I’ve bought. I can put on some mulled wine?
JOSIE
Really, no, thanks. We’ll take a raincheck-
BOBBY
We’d really love to come over we’re just-
JOSIE
So busy these days. Soon!
Renee smiles as they pass and she opens her door.
INT. RENEES APPARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER
The appartment is impeccably decorated in muted colours, mimicking the fall catalogues she has strewn on the coffee table.
Renee closes and locks the door, then slowly opens her coat and cat food is strapped to her waist. She slowly removes it and places it on the hall table as MAXIME, 7, Persian short hair feline, pops up from behind a chair then hides again.
RENEE
There you are, sweetums!
Renee places her coat tidily in the closet and switches her boots for slippers. She moves towards the chair, reaching down to pick up Maxine.
RENEE
Come on, Maxy boo boo. It’s just for a little bit longer.
MAXINE
Hmmmpht.
Renee reaches out to stroke the cream coloured feline, coincidentally the same colour as the furniture, but she bristles at the touch.
RENEE
Still not for petting. It’s okay. I don’t care for it either.
Maxine then scatters under the furniture as a small noise comes from the heater.
RENEE
Sweetums, remember, we talked about this. It’s just the heat.
Renee walks to the kitchen and brings a bowl- straight up crystal fancy feast style- and opens the cat food into it. She places the dish on the table, then moves back to allow Maxine her space.
Maxine moves, slowly, checking every possible angle with stealth and grace, ending up on the table in record time. She SNIFFS then turns her head to the side.
Renee patiently waits, pretending not to watch. Maxine finally moves forward and nibbles, then devours the meal.
Another KNOCK KNOCK but not at the door. Maxine startles and jumps on top of the refrigerator.
Renee looks out her drapes to see WORKMEN removing a plaque from the building. She races to throw her coat and boots on, then goes to meet them.
EXT. BUILDING -DAY
Renee approaches the nearest WORKER, 50s, heavyset and clearly not caring.
RENEE
Excuse me please, what are you doing?
WORKMAN
Some crazy broad finally got this place to change policy. It’s going pet friendly.
Renee made a WHOOP of glee and ran back inside. The workers shook their heads and continued.
INT. RENEES APPARTMENT – DAY
Renee didn’t bother to properly place her coat this time but threw it over a chair and kicked off her boots, running to the kitchen barefoot.
RENEE
Who’s my best little baby? You are!
Maxine bristled at being manhandled off the fridge as Renee danced with him barefoot on her plush carpet.
FADE OUT.
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Hi Christi, I’m going to wait until you post your revision for feedback.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 4
I changed Renee’s Conformist Trait to… Violent
Renee: Prissy, Devious, Outgoing, Violent
Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
Maxine: Tricky, Snobbish, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded
Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
Logline: Yesterday 15 YO Maxine promised 15 YO Renee she would keep her dark secret. She didn’t.
Essence: Maxine lied to Renee and swore she would keep her dark secret. She plots to take Maxine down so she can win the race.
INT UPSCALE COFFEE SHOP AFTERNOON
SERVER drags himself over to the two girls MAXINE and RENEE, he’s dealt with them before.
SERVER
(Holding up a pad and pen)
What can I get for you girls today?
MAXINE opens her mouth to speak, but…
RENEE
(Gazing at the menu)
I think I’ll have a BLT on white toast with avocado, mayonnaise, and green olives, a side of potato salad, Cole slaw, but the one without the celery seeds…
(Takes a deep breath)
A serving of your cinnamon palmiers, and a vanilla soda.
SERVER
I’ll see if we have that particular Cole slaw today. If we don’t is there something you’d like instead?
RENEE
Yes, do you have the fresh fruit salad today?
SERVER
We surely don’t, but we do have fresh strawberries. Would you like those?
RENEE
Yes, but with whipped cream. And you know I’ve changed my mind about the Soda, I’d like a hot coffee instead… but with the raw sugar instead of the white.
SERVER
(Writing)
Of course.
SERVER nods to MAXINE.
SERVER
Miss?
MAXINE
(Clearing her throat)
I’ll have a Pelligrino with lime, the toasted baguette with sautéed mushrooms, onions, garlic and parmesan cheese, and a small tossed salad with the balsamic vinaigrette. Thank you.
SERVER
(Smiling at them)
I’ve got it, I’ll be back in about ten minutes, or so.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
(Turning to Renee)
Don’t you think that’s a lot of food the day before the race?
RENEE
(Almost yelling)
Not at all. I need to fuel my carbs so my calves and thighs don’t cramp. We’ll be biking up some steep hills tomorrow.
MAXINE
(Sighs)
I’m a little nervous, I may not race. My bike feels a little off too. The wheels feel shaky.
RENEE
(Covering her face with the menu and smiling)
Nonsense. We’ve been training for months. You’re very good. You should go.
MAXINE
It just feels wrong after what happened to Joslyn.
RENEE
You didn’t tell anyone did you? That’s our little gang secret. If you do, I’ll cut you. Remember what happened when you flirted with Mitch.
MAXINE
(Trembling)
I never flirted with Mitch, and you know it. You just like hurting people.
RENEE
(Whispering)
Well you’re dead meat if you told anyone.
SANDRA runs over to the girls almost knocking over the SERVER who is carrying a large tray for another table. He manages to save the tray and himself.
SANDRA
(Putting both hands on the table)
Did you hear? Someone purposefully ran down Jocelyn with their car. She’s in the hospital with broken ribs, a broken leg and a broken arm. She didn’t see who it was but she thinks it was because she was number one and someone wanted her out of the race. I heard the police impounded a car.
RENEE
(Acting surprised, kicking Maxine hard under the table)
No we didn’t hear that.
MAXINE
(Shocked)
No.
SANDRA EXITS
MAXINE
(In a hush)
You said she was just bruised up.
RENEE
(Raising herself half off her seat and leaning forward)
Who did you tell?!
MAXINE
(Stammering)
No one. Why do you always blame me? Everyone must know she’s in the hospital by now.
Four POLICE OFFICERS saunter into the coffee shop. They speak to the MANAGER at the counter. He points to RENEE.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Renee Farrow?
RENEE
(Stares down Maxine)
This isn’t over!
POLICE OFFICER #1
You are under arrest for the hit and run incident last night leading to the severe injury of Jocelyn Parks. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights?
RENEE jumps up and glares right up in the Officer’s face.
POLICE OFFICER #2 CUFFS RENEE
RENEE
(Bent over forward, spits at Officer’s #1’s feet)
Fuck you fascist!
RENEE charges at MAXINE, but gets whacked with a BATON and is dragged away by two of the Officers resisting the entire time. Another Officer is leading the way and moving the gathering crowd, the other is behind RENEE making sure she can’t run if she manages to wrestle loose.
SANDRA rushes over to MAXINE’S side. She rubs her back gently.
MAXINE
(Crying)
At least she didn’t get a chance to maim me.
SANDRA
Hush now. Do you need a ride home?
MAXINE
No thank you Sandy. I’m going to bike home.
MAXINE parades to the door, holding her head up high.
MAXINE
(To herself)
I might even win now.
Think I’ll use your bike though Renee.
CUT TO:
BICYCLE STAND OUTSIDE
TWO BIKES, one with loose tires. The other in perfect condition.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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Hey Sue (please let me know if that’s okay!)
Had an interesting idea for our critique sessions. Since critiquing each other after we make a rewrite is cray, I thought I’d add some critiques on this page, then with the final note, provide the comparison and what I liked about the improvement. With only 3 left to go, it would be great and I think we’ve all been improving so much it wouldn’t hurt to help each other get to the next level!
First- 5 pages – good but it may be better to tighen a bit. When I’m presented with a range, I try to land somewhere in the middle. Not sure if the page restriction is a budget thing and I’m always paranoid on the low side. Of course, this may just be too picky so you can decide.
The request to change a trait to more dramatic- Conformist to Violent- very good choice!
The logline doesn’t need to have the ages in them, the action line does. When describing a scene, the more you help the reader see what you want them to, the better.
pg 3- Sandra’s dialogue- She didn’t see who it was but thinks it was? A bit confusing.
Are you sure you want them 15? Unless they’re on aderall or something, the extreme violence from a 15 year old seems very out of place.
The traits that stand out are Maxine’s emotional wounds and paranoia. I didn’t really get her snobbish and tricky, although an argument can be made for her being tricky by avoiding the traps of Renee.
Renee showed her deviousness very well, the prissy nature with the ordering- I actually read that as rich. What 15 yr old acts like that at a restaurant when they have to watch their wallet as well as their calories? Violent was clear and outgoing seemed a bit of a stretch. I’m unsure if this was shown directly.
The subtext was crystal clear for Renee while Maxine seemed more like a victim that won without work when the police officer took Renee away.
For the interest techniques
Hook – car accident was a pretty decent hook. Maybe get to that earlier?
Dilemma- Losing Renee as a friend or dying as she knows her bike has been sabotaged, really good technique for Maxine.
Predictions- Renee’s wrong prediction about being victorious.
Something unseen- the menu hiding Renees reaction to Maxime’s justifyable paranoia.
Mystery – Renee needed to be stopped. Who would do it?
Creating a future- when Maxine chose to swap bikes, if she was up to the task, she could win the race!
Anticipatory dialogue- Renee’s threats at anyone or anything that would stop her.
Cliff hangers – Will Renee re-emerge? 15 is too young to be tried as an adult. If she’s as rich as she seems, it would probably be dropped to community service. Also, could be a bigger cliffhanger.
Uncomfortable moment- Maxine feels the toxicity from Renee when she tries to break free and Renee destroys any hint of independence .
I hate doing notes when they’re not in person. I always feel like they seem so mean. I’m really just trying to be helpful and I hope you read them as that. As I said before, you do have a talent for writing women. I look forward to the polished draft!
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Hi Christie,
Thanks so much for the detailed response. I had already posted a revision to 18 and had already made a few changes there so you will see them when you read it. I’ve never been crazy about Sue, I like Suzie, but I just turned 69 yesterday (it sucks having your birthday on Thanksgiving every few years), and that is a bit young for me now. My brothers still call me that though. ☺ And you can call me that if you want. The system will automatically change the z to an s though. The z is the way my grandmother spelled it and I’ve always kept it that way. She was my favorite person growing up.
“The logline doesn’t need to have the ages in them, the action line does. When describing a scene, the more you help the reader see what you want them to, the better.”
I added that to my REV in Forum 18 after I read this.
” 3- Sandra’s dialogue- She didn’t see who it was but thinks it was? A bit confusing.”
I thought so too, and I hope I fixed it.
“Are you sure you want them 15? Unless they’re on aderall or something, the extreme violence from a 15 year old seems very out of place.”
I guess you haven’t been reading some of the US news (why bother in CA), but there have been multiple stories about even 8 and 11 yo’s murdering other classmates. It’s vile!
“The traits that stand out are Maxine’s emotional wounds and paranoia. I didn’t really get her snobbish and tricky, although an argument can be made for her being tricky by avoiding the traps of Renee.”
OK, I worked on getting snobbish in with what she orders, the way she speaks and certain words she uses instead of others, how she questions Renee about how much she is going to eat, clearing her throat before she orders, the way she leaves the cafe at the end holding her head high. I had also already added a more snobby thing she might do instead of race before reading this. The tricky and how she plots is in the way she set up Renee to arrested (and for good reason too). Also in how she talks about the wheels of her bike feeling off, and her suspicion that Renee messed with them is confirmed when Renee hides behind the menu.
“Renee showed her deviousness very well, the prissy nature with the ordering- I actually read that as rich. What 15 yr old acts like that at a restaurant when they have to watch their wallet as well as their calories?”
You’re right I see them both as wealthy and Renee as prissy. I had already added my definition for prissy in Forum 18. It should come out elsewhere as well. Please let me know if you don’t see it.
“Violent was clear and outgoing seemed a bit of a stretch. I’m unsure if this was shown directly.”
Renee actually told someone what she did, and she boasts about how much she is eating to the entire restaurant. I had already made that clearer in Forum 18 REV post. She jumps in to order first before Maxine can speak. Also, I feel like her outgoingness is actually pushing part of her violent nature, but maybe that’s not clear.
“The subtext was crystal clear for Renee while Maxine seemed more like a victim that won without work when the police officer took Renee away.”
Maxine told the police what Renee did (although she didn’t know how badly Jocelyn was hurt until Sanda told them), and where to find her which is one of the reasons why she becomes more and more upset as Renee threatens her.
“I hate doing notes when they’re not in person. I always feel like they seem so mean. I’m really just trying to be helpful and I hope you read them as that. As I said before, you do have a talent for writing women. I look forward to the polished draft!”
Please don’t worry about it at all! This is exactly what we’re supposed to be doing! Thank you so much for all the work you put into this. 👍
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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Susan it is! Wow, you must have all day to write. I’m so jealous! By the time I retire, I don’t know if the earth will still exist. I’m working hard to afford a home one day- probably just a tiny one but something I know is mine. They say it’s a statistical impossibility but I’ve never believed in Fate so Economics is a close second on my boogeyman metre.
I can’t wait to read your updated story!
I must have missed that Maxine reported Renee to the police. Sorry, I’ve really been burning the candle at all ends. I promise I’ll give it a thorough read before I give my next review.
Have you tried to watch a movie since taking this course? It’s literally impossible. I tried to watch Genie on Prime last night and I had to stop after 20 minutes. Ridiculous that the husband had the box ‘sitting around’ and she was in there for 2000 years, that nobody was looking for it, that, as a person with atleast a passing knowledge in archaeology he wouldn’t be the slightest interested in it’s provenance or to set the rules with said Genie, etc, etc, etc. The daughter absolutely should have gotten it. The comedic value would have been much greater.
There’s the saying: Tell me you wrote your script with AI without telling me you wrote your script with AI.
AI can’t do comedy. Period.
McCarthy could only do so much. Writers need to quarterback and that was a game with too little players on the field.
I’m realizing that I’m going to make a killing. Seriously, watch it like a drinking game, and take a drink every time they make a horrible writing decision. You’ll be drunk in 5 minutes. LOL.
I should have my revised script up soon!
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Hi Christi,
Unfortunately I don’t have all day to write, but I probably have more time than you do! I hope you get your house – you never know what will happen in the future. Things may get worse, but then they will get better. They will have to. 🙏😉
Oh yes, I’ve had trouble watching movies BEFORE taking this course (Good TV series are so much better now)! So many films really stink, it’s unbelievable. I often rent old ones from the library or watch old ones on Amazon. I also like a lot of the French and Italian films and TV series. I try and watch comedies, spy and detective shows (I like to watch stuff to forget about what’s happening – not put me in the middle of it). I particularly like “Balthazar.” Have you seen it? It’s great. You’d probably really like it because I believe you write mysteries. He’s a clown genius forensic pathologist who is always the one who makes sure the police solve the crimes. He has some deep wounds. The show also has a mystical steak to it.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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QE Cycle 4: Write this Scene
LOGLINE: Two dorm roommates have a wager to vacate the room, leaving it to the other if one of them spills a secret concerning the girl living above them.
ESSENCE: To get the other roommate out.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine’s paranoid trait to a sarcastic trait.
SCENE:
INT. DORM ROOM – MORNING
Both sides of the room are tidy: both beds, books, posters, and decorations. They are both tidy in all respects except they differ in this one point: one-side is pop-culture to the extreme; the other, personal and carefully chosen.
A window in between lets the sunlight in.
On the pop-side, RENEE (19), sits at her desk/vanity with the care of an artist as she readies for the day. She sings along to the pop song that blares through her phone.
Her roommate, MAXINE (19), shuffles in.
MAXINE
Think you need more makeup.
RENEE
Would not hurt you to fall into a little blush.
MAXINE
‘Cos that’s so me.
RENEE
Sarah is nervous.
MAXINE
You wanna turn ‘Mickey and the Clubhouse’ off there? Can’t hear ya.
RENEE
It is Taylor Swift.
MAXINE
It’s great stuff, truly.
Renee turns her music off.
RENEE
I was telling you that Sarah is nervous.
MAXINE
Sarah? Nervous? That’s out of character. She’s got a nice room, though, you should take it when it becomes available.
RENEE
Well, she is nervous, and despite your little veneer of not caring about what happens, I know you care and you just have a hard time showing it.
MAXINE
I really don’t.
RENEE
Why would her room become available? Did you say anything?
MAXINE
Maybe, I’ll take her room. But it doesn’t matter what I say or don’t because you can’t say anything that isn’t able to be eavesdropped on.
RENEE
Not this again. Are you going to shelter yourself for the rest of your life because you think anyone with a secret agenda is possibly out to get you?
MAXINE
Of course not. I could do what you do, ‘cos that really suits me.
RENEE
I always win.
MAXINE
Only if ya cheat.
RENEE
I never lose.
MAXINE
I look forward to being your first.
Renee continues to fuss with her hair.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
Almost done?
RENEE
Perfection takes time.
MAXINE
Know what they say about nobody bein’ perfect?
RENEE
Always so cryptic.
MAXINE
Just sayin’ you were done a couple hours ago.
RENEE
Thank you.
MAXINE
I’m glad you think that a compliment.
RENEE
Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones.
MAXINE
I think I could make ‘em work.
RENEE
You seriously did not tell her.
MAXINE
Did you?
RENEE
Maxine?
MAXINE
I didn’t tell her.
STOMPS and SOBS emanates from the room above them.
RENEE
You swear? On your mom’s grave? Listen to her up there.
Maxine goes quiet. She glares at Renee then turns her back and picks up a magazine. Renee stops what she’s doing and sits beside Maxine.
RENEE
I am sorry. I forgot.
MAXINE
Yet you can sing to the profound lyrics of Taylor Swift?
RENEE
I mean it. I am sorry. It is just that Sarah—
MAXINE
—will be fine.
RENEE
She did not mean to do it.
MAXINE
What a relief, ‘cos intention changes everything. I’ll let mom know. Don’t worry, she didn’t mean it. What a comfort that will be.
Maxine tosses her magazine aside.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
Wanna get off my bed? I’m afraid the duvet might not be up to your impeccable standards.
RENEE
You can sit on mine, if it will help.
Maxine takes in Renee’s bed fashion and looks aghast.
MAXINE
Hard pass.
Maxine goes to the window.
MAXINE
Figure it’ll rain soon.
RENEE
How can it? It has been sunny all day.
Renee joins her at the window. She looks at Maxine and shakes her head. Something drops passed the window. Renee freezes, great concern on her face. Maxine shows no emotion.
RENEE
You do not think she did it, do you?
MAXINE
I’m and eye for an eye kinda’ girl and it’s not mom’s eye that’s missing.
RENEE
I knew you could not keep a secret.
MAXINE
It wasn’t one I wanted to keep but when you think about it, you’re the one who told me.
RENEE
What did you do?
MAXINE
Let’s just say, Sarah, won’t be attending class, anymore. Boohoo.
Renee stares with shock and disbelief. Who is this? Renee looks out the window.
ON THE GROUND
A computer covers the ground in technological splatter.
DORM ROOM
Further STOMPS above and the door SLAMS.
RENEE
She is alive?
Renee hugs Maxine but Maxine doesn’t hug back.
MAXINE
I’m not the murderer, and if I let slip she wasn’t the only student Professor Boone “favoured,” then, oops.
RENEE
Then, I win.
MAXINE
You win. But I don’t think this is the room you actually want. I’m guessing there’s a new vacancy.
RENEE
You do not want it?
MAXINE
Hey, you win. You get it. I blurbed. I’m many things, but I am just and fair. You win.
RENEE
I have to check on Sarah, but if she does leave, you really do not mind?
MAXINE
Don’t think I’ll get over it, but fair is fair. Besides, they won’t give me anyone else this late into the semester.
Renee hugs Maxine and races out of the room.
Once out Maxine laughs and reclines on her bed, then pops up and blasts Taylor Swift, and can’t help but sing along.
MAXINE
All mine! Finally!
LATER
Maxine enters her dorm room but it’s different. Renee is gone, so is all her stuff. But the room’s not empty. Renee’s side displays unicorns and pandas and dolls and posters of puppy dogs. And someone stands, smiling with arms open…it’s Sarah!
SARAH
Hey roomie.
ABOVE ROOM
A LAMENT from below makes Renee smile as she finishes setting up her new single dorm room.
RENEE
I win.
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Hey Mike! Great minds think alike! I’ve also done roommates.
From what I put in for Susan, I wanted to get the most out of our last 3 entries and I’m working 10 hour shifts for this week so I’m a bit slow. Sorry about that! Can’t wait to be one of those rich writers that can lounge around all day in pyjamas while writing!
For your story- First- 6 pages is too long. Period. The assignment was 2-5. If you turned this in, they’d probably discard without reading. Following instructions is crazy important for the folks with money.
For your substitution- paranoid to sarcastic- feels like a comedy genre change. Has the potential to be way more dramatic. Good choice!
The logline sets up a bit of a rivalry. Very good and we know what to expect.
P 4- I do not think she did it- Twenty somethings always use contractions. This seems robotic. or a different language? If she’s from immigrant parents, better to mention at the beginning.
The traits that come through are Maxine’s sarcasm, snobbery and trickery are very visible. The emotionally wounded is there but fleetingly. Renee showed her prissy(Taylor Swift!), outgoing and devious side but I struggled to see Conformist.
The subtext for Renee- her wavering about Sarah’s secret, we really didn’t get to understand- did she kill herself, did she not? Why is she the roommate or is that another sarah? She did win at the end but it doesn’t seem like she really earned it more than Maxine.
Maxine’s subtext was there even though it didn’t work out in the end.
The dialogue felt clunky, like lead balloons. I’d recommend watching some Gilmore girls. Sarcasm drips from each main character, even as they interact with others who don’t have that trait. There’s a rhythm to sarcasm.
For the interest techniques
Hook-Wow, did she die? Was it a bird? A Plane? Well done.
Dilemma- they both want the space but only one can get it and if they do, Sarah dies.
Predictions- the trash talk was funny
Something unseen- So many things. Not really getting the mother reference. Or the teacher – what happened there?
Mystery- So many things. Maybe choose one to flesh out. Remember, this is one scene, not the full story. It’s like you’re walking by a movie that already started.
Creating a future – a little but then, the dialogue is so vague we don’t know which future to root for. Also, Maxine comes off as the strongest character. Maybe her winning would be a different option?
Anticipatory dialogue – Many, many points of wonder. Again, I’d grab one and flesh it out.
Cliff hangers- yes Did Sarah die?
Uncomfortable moment- Maxine hugs Renee, very good at the uncomfortable scene.
All in all, it seems like Wednesday meets Sweet Valley High. I love the idea and the way it’s going, it just needs dialogue tightened and about a page shaved off.
I do hope you aren’t offended by my long list of points. You’ve gotten so good, we’re here to make each other better. In my writing group, I regularly get torn apart. I’m so grateful to them because when you’re not told about a plot that needs fixing, it’s like walking around with no pants on. Obvious yes! Why wouldn’t anyone tell me I forgot? LOL.
Anyways, hopefully I’ll get to the next bit by the weekend. Unless I can score more OT.
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Thanks for the great suggestions and don’t worry about offending me. I value the honesty because it helps me make better decisions. Thanks, also, for the detailed response. It’s tricky to do since we all are busy with things outside of this course. I’m a bit behind, myself.
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Hi Mike, I’m going to wait until you post your revision for feedback.
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LOGLINE: A young woman finds out her sister betrayed her by not keeping her racial identity a secret.
ESSENCE: A woman is ashamed of her true racial identity in 1925 Louisiana.
TRAIT I CHANGED: Renee’s character, outgoing to understanding.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
1925, New Orleans. The living room is beautifully furnished. Maxine, mid 20s, beautiful and nicely dressed, holds an infant and puts the baby in a nearby crib. There’s a KNOCK at the front door. Maxine excitingly opens the door.
RENEE, late 20s, sharply dressed and attractive, prances in the living room with no smile.
MAXINE
Renee, what a surprise! You came all the way from Brooklyn to see the baby! I’m so glad you’re here!
Maxine excitingly hugs Renee, but Renee doesn’t hug her back.
RENEE
So where is it?
MAXINE
That it is your nephew. He’s right over there. A month old today.
Renee slowly walks over to the crib, glances at the baby and glares at Maxine.
MAXINE
Hearing congratulations would be nice. This is my first child.
RENEE
Don’t have any more.
MAXINE
The amount of kids David and I decide to have will be our business, not yours.
Renee sits on the couch. She picks lint off of the pillow.
RENEE
What will you do, Maxine?
MAXINE
What do you mean?
RENEE
You know darn well what I mean.
MAXINE
No, I don’t and frankly I don’t care.
RENEE
What will you do when that baby gets darker?
MAXINE
Renee, I don’t want to hear –
RENEE
What will you do when David finds out his son is a –
MAXINE
Shut up! My baby is white!
RENEE
Oh, really? Well, what are you, Maxine?
Maxine looks away.
MAXINE
I’m your sister.
RENEE
HALF sister. I’m not the one with the colored daddy.
MAXINE
Look at me! I’m not colored!
RENEE
Yeah, you’re light, bright and darn near white, but hasn’t David asked why your hair changes when it’s wet?
MAXINE
David has never seen my hair wet.
Renee gives her a look.
MAXINE
Unlike you and Charles, David and I don’t bathe together.
RENEE
What about when you’re making love? I’m sure it gets all kinky from the sweat.
MAXINE
He’s never seen it, Renee. We only make love in the dark and when we’re finished, he falls right to sleep. That’s when I sneak to the kitchen, grab the hot comb and straighten it.
RENEE
That baby will be blacker than the coal in my stove. Your little secret will come out soon.
MAXINE
Never.
RENEE
Maxine, your son is black!
MAXINE
(beginning to cry)
David is white. I’m half white. Our baby is white and he’s perfect.
Maxine picks the baby up and holds him.
RENEE
Stop fooling yourself. Your daddy was as black as my shoe. It’s just a matter of time before that baby –
MAXINE
Just keep your promise to me.
Renee gets up and heads to the door.
MAXINE
Did you hear me?
Renee stops in her tracks. She looks at Maxine with remorse.
MAXINE
No… you didn’t… please say you didn’t…
RENEE
I only told Charles. He promised not to say anything.
Maxine puts the baby back in the crib. She’s distraught.
MAXINE
You told Charles I’m black?!
RENEE
Max, he asked me…
MAXINE
You could’ve lied!
RENEE
He asked me that time we all went to the beach together! Even though you had on long sleeves and pants your hands got tanned and he noticed!
MAXINE
I can’t believe you told him!
RENEE
He noticed, Max. And he notices mother treats you differently than she treats me.
MAXINE
I trusted you all these years. You promised. Now your husband will tell mine. I’ll lose David because of you! Do you know what will happen if I no longer pass? I won’t have a pot to piss in! I’ll have to struggle like some colored maid and take care of a child on my own! How dare you!
RENEE
Charles won’t tell, Max.
MAXINE
How do you know that?!
Renee clams up.
MAXINE
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
RENEE
Because Charles is… is…
MAXINE
Charles is what?!
RENEE
A quadroon. Promise me you won’t tell anyone.
Maxine is speechless and shocked. Renee quickly leaves and slams the door behind her. The baby begins to cry as Maxine remains standing in disbelief.
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Danielle, spectacular!
The premise is amazing- like the Top Hat mystery by Ellery Queen.
The surprise at the end is great. I love that you chose understanding as the trait to add. It added a dimension to an otherwise flat character.
The stakes were high as she’s got a newborn and the threat of abandonment is real. I don’t know how she’d think to hide this child or her own heritage when it’s bound to come out but the premise of Suits was just as tenuous and it made it for many seasons.
The dialogue seems a bit clunky at times, maybe shortened or halted sentences would be better?
The pacing is good and the dilemma is the main trait that seems to hang over the room like a knife.
Well done!
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Hi Christi, sorry for the late response, I had technical difficulties with this website for 4 days and just now able to get in. Thank you for the feedback! I’m still trying at these scenes. I read yours also. I like how you made Maxine a cat. I thought the dialogue flowed. I was thinking for a little more conflict maybe Renee could talk/argue with the landlord about the no pet policy inside her apartment and she does her best to hide any trace of the cat while the landlord is inside. There could be comedic scenes like the landlord trips over a cat toy but Renee makes excuses that it’s not really a cat toy but something else. Then the landlord could finally leave after Rene’e tries covers up any evidence of having a pet and succeeds, but then the landlord comes back and says Renee can have a pet after all, then the cat comes out. All in all, well done.
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Hi Danielle,
This piece is very well done. I’m looking forward to the rewrite, and I’ll give you more feedback then. It’s been a while for the rest of us so it would be helpful if you put the Character Traits and Subtext lines for each Character at the top of the posts so we will be able to evaluate your posts at that level. You are doing really well with these scenes. They are extremely moving.
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Hi Susan thank you for the feedback. Sorry for late reply I had technical difficulties but I’m able to get in the website now. Great suggestion about me adding that info, will do. Thanks a lot for the feedback. I read yours too and really liked it. Great twist at the end with the flat tires on the bike! I wasn’t expecting that! Well written scene, I would probably shorten the dialogue with the waiter while they’re ordering and get right into what they did to the other girl until the cops show up, but well done & intriguing.
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