Lesson 17

[carl marshall]

Carl Marshall QE 4
LOGLINE: One person promises the other that they kept the secret, but really didn’t
ESSENCE: REALIZATION OF BEING HUNTED
TRAIT CHANGED for: RENEE: From outgoing to fault finder

SCENE: MAXINE REVELATION

INT. LUXURY HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT

A spacious, dimly lit suite. Candles flicker. Rain patters softly against the window. MAXINE, dressed immaculately in an expensive robe, pours wine into two crystal glasses. RENEE stands near the fireplace, arms crossed, eyes alert.

MAXINE
(handing a glass to Renee)
To secrecy. And survival.

RENEE
To secrets kept and kept well.

They clink glasses. An uneasy silence hangs between them.

MAXINE
You told no one, right?

RENEE
(smiles tightly)
Of course not. I’m not stupid.

MAXINE
Good. Because if this gets out—

RENEE
It won’t.

A tense beat.

MAXINE
(eyeing Renee)
You hesitated.

RENEE
No, I didn’t.

MAXINE
You did. A flicker.

RENEE
You’re paranoid. No one knows.

MAXINE
Then why did my driver ask me about a “charred ledger”?

Renee freezes. Tries to recover.

RENEE
Coincidence. That could mean anything.

MAXINE
He said, “the one you and Renee buried.”

RENEE
(shaken)
He’s bluffing.

MAXINE
(pressing closer)
Did you tell him? Or did someone overhear you telling someone else?

RENEE
(defensive)
I told you I didn’t say anything!

MAXINE
(cold)
I didn’t say you *said*. I asked if you told.

Maxine steps closer. Predatory now.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
Did you need to feel powerful again, Renee? Or just relevant?

RENEE
(snaps)
I kept it! I did!

MAXINE
Then why did the hotel manager just send me *this*?

She hands Renee a small envelope. Renee opens it—inside is a photo: a blurry image of two women burying something at night.

Renee’s face drains of color.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
You buried the secret… but someone *dug it up*.

RENEE
(barely a whisper)
We’re being watched.

MAXINE
No, Renee. We’re being hunted.

OFF Renee’s horrified reaction…

[Rita Roberts]

Assignment 17 Creative Mastery Cycle #4
What I learned:
Breakthrough, while meditating not writing — "Make them FEEL" is a different consideration when the reader is a producer rather than another writer or someone just giving feedback.
This is a good exercise to make the importance of traits sink in. I understand it more thoroughly now. The unchanged trait clearly would've changed the scene.

LOGLINE:
A disguised movie star and her assistant bike an ocean cliff trail until paparazzi jump out of bushes — their secret is not only revealed, it's about to go viral.

ESSENCE: Maxine has betrayed Renee.

TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine — snobbish changed to soft-hearted

EXT. OCEAN CLIFF TRAIL – DAY
RENEE (20s) pedals along a level stretch of dirt between tall grasses. She's gear heavy — dark glasses, bike helmet, neck scarf — which hides her identity.
Her assistant, MAXINE (30s) stands on her pedals to speed up to her boss. Her muscles pose as protective gear as she rides in a tank and no helmet.
MAXINE
Hold up. Let's take in the view, Apple Cheeks.
Renee does as instructed. Her shoes hit the dirt. She brushes some off a pristine toe, the shoes' first time out. And last.
Maxine glides up next to her. Slides a hand down Renee's perfect, round butt. Renee smacks her hand away.
RENEE
Did you see a whale?
Maxine's mood darkens. She looks up and down the trail.
MAXINE
You're afraid there are whale watchers on this trail?
She fishes a tiny set of binoculars out of her oversized fanny pack. Focuses on a cluster of bushes way up ahead.
One corner of her mouth curls upward in a slanted smile.
RENEE
This is so cool. I wish my high school friends could be here.
MAXINE
Oh, yeah. They'd love this whole arrangement. So cool.
She gestures to indicate the two of them.
RENEE
Secrets are my specialty. Let's go to that shady spot up ahead and see if we spot any big boys and their blow holes.
She chuckles at her own lame joke and takes off.
MAXINE
Perfect. I'm sure we will.
They pedal uphill to a cypress that clings to a steep drop and the cluster of bushes.
Renee lays her bike down and sits on a rock beneath the tree. She holds her hand out toward Maxine.
Maxine touches Renee's hand but Renee recoils.
RENEE
No, I mean the binocs.
Maxine hands them over and sits down. She scoots closer to Renee, puts her arm around her.
MAXINE
See anything?
But Maxine looks inland toward the bushes.
RENEE
Are you sure no one is out here? The fake romance with Jake is fueling the press tour right now.
MAXINE
I scouted everything. Besides, you're the chatterbox, social butterfly. Have you told anyone?
Renee lowers the binoculars and leans back to get a good look at Maxine.
RENEE
You think would I jeopardize this movie?
She unbuckles her helmet and lets her hair fall loose.
MAXINE
You've been yapping away with your old BFF back in Bumfuck, No-wheres-ville. Who knows what you two are giggling about.
RENEE
You know everything. You think I don't see you lurking around corners?
Maxine smooths Renee's long hair. Kisses her cheek. Pulls her in for greater passion.
Renee submits.
MAXINE
You're right. I know everything about you.
Maxine lifts off Renee's shirt and unhooks her sports bra. Lays her back in the grass.
Maxine stands as if to undress herself…
Multiple CLICKS of camera shutters.
A mob of paparazzi emerge from the bushes.
RENEE
You… You? Why?
Renee lunges for her shirt but Maxine flings it. It's caught on a branch, which overhangs the cliff.
Maxine chokes a little on her words and a slight twang in her voice increases.
MAXINE
It's my… I got my own people back home.
RENEE
You could've just asked me.
She jumps up to retrieve her shirt while she dodges cameras and hugs herself to cover her chest. Or hold her broken heart together.
CAMERA JERK sideswipes her. She falls into Maxine's arms.
Shutters go crazy.
CAMERA JERK
How long have you two been a couple?
RENEE
We're not. And she's fired.
But Maxine buries her face in Renee's neck. Whispers.
MAXINE
I'm sorry. You don't know what it's like where I come from.
Renee struggles.
RENEE
Let go!
CAMERA JERK
That's good we got it.
Maxine releases Renee who stumbles toward her shirt. Too close to the cliff.
Loose scree shifts under her feet.
Maxine reaches for her.
MAXINE
Renee! Take my hand.
RENEE
Get away from me.
She reaches…
The branch gives way.
Renee SCREAMS. So does Maxine.
CAMERA STILLS:
Capture. Every. Phase. Of Renee's demise.
Silence.
PHOTO VULTURES run through their digital pictures.
CAMERA JERK
Whoa. Fall or push? There's the story.
Maxine collapses into sobs as the Photo Vultures adjust their gear for the hike out.

[Mary Albanese]

WHAT I LEARNED: Okay, so I stuffed a bunch of IT's into this scene, using the assigned traits. At least I think that's the assignment. And that for the rewrite we change one trait? Anyway, I'm learning to stuff lots of IT's and the core traits into a scene.

ESSENCE: An uppity woman foolishly blabs an important secret that comes back to bite her.

EXT. CABIN – NIGHT

The remote cabin is shrouded in mist as RENEE (23) arrives. MAXINE (35) is already there, cutting a cabbage for a salad.

RENEE
So here I am. Up here, at this dirty old cabin.

MAXINE
I agree, it’s a shambles. Chadsworth bought it for me, but I rarely use it. I never even wanted this nasty old place. At least now, it has a purpose.

RENEE
So, is this is my wedding present? It’s dated, but Abe could use a retreat, as an up and coming young politician. He’s going to be famous. The second “honest Abe.” Our family values are so in tune — I’ll make the perfect politician’s wife.

MAXINE
No, I’m not giving it to you. That’s not why you are here.

RENEE
Then why did you ask me here?

Maxine has trouble cutting the cabbage — the knife seems dull. She selects another knife. It cuts a bit better. Slice, slice, slice. Like a guillotine.

RENEE
Um… Maxine? So why did you have me come… Can you put that knife down? You’re kind of scaring me.

Maxine frowns at the knife. She picks a BIGGER SCARIER knife.
Ka-CHUNK. It chops the cabbage head in half like it was butter.

Renee SCREAMS.

MAXINE
Get a grip. I asked you here to talk.

RENEE
Whew! Ask away. You know I’m an open book.

MAXINE
At your bachelorette party, I had a few drinks. I told you something. In private. You said you would never repeat it.

RENEE
Of course, I didn’t.

MAXINE
Are you sure? You can be chatty and bubbly sometimes.

RENEE
Maxine, I didn’t tell a soul.

MAXINE
Because it could really cause a lot of trouble if you did.

RENEE
You know I’m into family values. So no, I didn’t tell. I swear it!

MAXINE
You would? As a good church-going Christian woman?

RENEE
Of course!

MAXINE
You would swear to god?

RENEE
How many times to I have to say it?

Maxine produces a hefty official bible. Holds it out.

MAXINE
Your right hand. Right now. On this bible. Swear to it. On God’s holy book.

Renee gulps. Nervously, she steps up to the bible. Hesitates.

MAXINE
Do it! You’re right hand.

Renee solemnly places her right hand on the bible.

RENEE
I, Renee Walker, swear, as God is my witness, that I did not tell ANYONE that you have slept with someone else besides your husband Chadsworth.

Unseen by Maxine, Renee’s left hand inches up her own back… and crosses her fingers.

MAXINE
(with relief)
Thank goodness you didn’t tell. Because that would have been…

Maxine’s phone rings.

MAXINE
What? And then… oh my god. That’s terrible. I see. Yes, I’ll call you back.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Oh, Renee, I am so very sorry. Abe…

RENEE
What? He crashed his car? Is he hurt? Is he dying?

Maxine frowns.

RENEE
Tell me!

MAXINE
You swore to me. On a bible.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Forget about Abe. This is about my secret. Told to you in confidence. And you lied.

RENEE
Why do you think it was me?

MAXINE
I’ve never told another living soul. My dark past — it haunts me. For so many years I’ve been afraid it would come out. You don’t know what you’ve just done.

RENEE
Fine. So I slipped. I didn’t mean to but it just came out. Big deal. But I didn’t do the dirty deed. That’s on you!

MAXINE
You stupid girl.

RENEE
Don’t be all high and mighty with me. Maybe we don’t WANT to be friends with people with dirty little secrets. Abe’s got a reputation to consider. Did you ever consider that? Huh? Huh?

MAXINE
You don’t understand. I didn’t cheat on Chadsworth. It happened before we were married. He thought I was a pure 16-yr-old maiden. Yes, I deceived him, all these years. Because the truth is — I had a child, in secret, at 13.

RENEE
Ewwww! That settles it. Abe and I couldn’t possibly be friends with you now.

MAXINE
I didn’t want the whole story to come out. But now it might have to. To protect me.

RENEE
Stop being a paranoid snob. Just Own up. EVERYONE deserves to know the truth.

MAXINE
I’m so sorry, Renee. You see, I was a child. He was a drunk, and he raped me.

RENEE
You tricked Chadworth into marrying you. And now you’re trying to trick me, for my sympathy.

MAXINE
I did cover up my past. But I didn’t want this — for you. You see, the man who raped me, he was your father.

RENEE
That’s not true. I’m adopted. I don’t even know who my real father is.

MAXINE
Your adoptive father IS your real father. After the rape, he got clean and sober, and he adopted you. But once it comes out that he was a rapist, he’ll go to jail.

RENEE
So you… are you saying that you are my mother?

MAXINE
Yes, my darling. But now, will “honest Abe” still want you?

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: Reposted for line spacing

[Jeremy Kirk]

QE4 Jeremy
LOGLINE: Two space station astronauts work at fixing the ship and gossip about the crew.

ESSENCE: Secrets lead to truth and the truth will set you free.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Prissy to Murderous.

SCENE: A simple talk between two people leads to secrets being spilled.

EXT. SPACE STATION MIR – DEEP SPACE EXPLORATION
Outside the Mir space station, amid all the solar panels, satellite antennas and shuttle docks, works two astronauts in marshmallow spacesuits.
RENEE and MAXINE are busy welding down a loose control thruster. They are both tethered to the ship as blue sparks arc out into space.
RENEE
I trained my ass off for six months to be able to space-walk. How did you get here?
MAXINE
I slept with Capt. Conners in the low gravity room twice. He felt I had acquired the necessary skills to come out here.
RENEE
Great, another one who thinks they can skip the line?
MAXINE
I didn’t skip the line, I fucked it. And maybe if you were better looking you wouldn’t have to work so hard.
Maxine reaches up and pets Renee’s helmet.
RENEE
Maybe if you all weren't running around screwing each other, the ship would be in better repair and my ass wouldn't have to come out here.
MAXINE
Well, at least you have my company.
Renee side eyes her.
RENEE
Can you hold this down please while I weld?
MAXINE
I was not rated for welding only spacewalking.
RENEE
Seriously?
MAXINE
Did you know that Capt. Conners likes to dress up in women’s clothes when he has sex?
RENEE
You would know. (pause) How does that work in low gravity?
MAXINE
He loses his brunet wig allot. And Flight Engineer Michaels has to take pills to get it up.
RENEE
Really, wow, I mean with all those muscles.
MAXINE
Blood flow goes to the wrong place.
RENEE
Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?
MAXINE
You. (pause) Oh and Sheila the Mission Specialist has a thing for midgets and balloon animals.
RENEE
How does that work with you exactly?
MAXINE
I put shoes on my knees, toddle around. That one still haunts me a little.
RENEE
Jesus Christ, I need to get off this ship. Bunch of sex crazed perverts.
MAXINE
Don’t be jealous. Besides you’re usually working when the orgies go down.
RENEE
You are having orgies on the space station! (pause) While I’m working my ass off!
MAXINE
You keep the ship working and I’ll keep the crew happy.
RENEE
If only I had the ship to myself. Peace and quiet.
The sound of voices mumbling.
MAXINE
You did turn off the comms?
RENEE
Per safety, comms should be left on at all times.
Maxine’s face looks stricken in the helmet’s visor.
RENEE
Actually, I’m glad you’re out here with me. In the dangers of space.
MAXINE
Oh my God! I can’t believe you let me spill the crew’s secrets! What kind of shipmate are you?
RENEE
The worst kind.
Renee takes the torch over Maxine’s tethered strap. It melts away and snaps back at Maxine which causes her to drift off the side of the space station.
MAXINE
Hey, what are you doing? Grab me, quick.
RENEE
Comms are now off, so you may scream to your heart’s desire.
MAXINE
Renee, this no joke. Do something I’m drifting off.
RENEE
There are emergency protocols for your situation. Perhaps Capt. Conners went over how to use Simplified Aid For EVA Rescue device in between intervals of weightless humping?
MAXINE
Help! Somebody help me! Oh God, I’m drifting further and further away.
Renee looks back and waves at Maxine as she takes a journey around the stars. She turns back to her work and notices faces in the view portal.
The angry faces of Capt. Conners, Flight Engineer Michaels and Mission Specialist Sheila all burn holes at Renee with the strength of a thousand suns.
All Renee can do is smile and shrug.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Kimbal Thompson]

Kimbal Thompson

with Renee as Bitchy

LOGLINE: Maxine, unnecessarily overly sensitive of her derriere’ size agrees to perform a private pole dance at an anonymous venue.
ESSENCE: Maxine swears Renee, her classmate, to absolute secrecy about her dance venue.
SCENE: Having extreme difficulty in enrolling together in a pole-dancing class due to Maxine’s over-sensitivity to what she thought was the size of her tush, her paranoia has diminished, and she has agreed to make a one-time appearance at a pole dance club.

RENEE
(strongly )
Just how could you think your butt was so big?

MAXINE
(suspiciously)
I’m just not sure what you mean, Renee.

RENEE
You know, thinking you were too good to be seen in a bikini.

MAXINE
(judgmentally)
That’s not it, you just have no idea how far this goes back

RENEE
Fucking behind you and just below your waist!

MAXINE
(deceptively)
You mean mine’s looking better?

RENEE
(seizing the opportunity)
Max, you just don’t know bitch!

MAXINE
So, you think dancing in front of strangers will rid me of this fear?

RENEE
(forcefully)
Damn right!!

MAXINE
(haughtily)
I just would not want to be recognized in such a place.

RENEE
(agreeably)
I said if you’d do it, I would, girl!

MAXINE
(untrusting)
You just can’t ever tell anyone!

RENEE
(unabashedly)
Why should I?

MAXINE
(hesitantly)
Oh, I don’t know but thank you.

RENEE
(convincingly)
This is our final class before the performance, let’s dress over our bikinis and our instructor will take us to the club.

MAXINE
(concerned)
What if something goes wrong?

RENEE
(unconcerned)
That’s why they have a goddamn bouncer!.

MAXINE
(in anticipation)
Okay, I can’t believe I’m doing this on my birthday

RENEE
Really?

Their dance instructor delivers them to the back door of the club; they enter and are escorted backstage.

RENEE
(directly)
OK birthday girl, you go first. You’re on!

Maxine slips off her dress and heads out the door to the pole to the accompaniment of “Bad Animals” by Heart, blinded by the footlights.

MAXINE
(transfixed, sways to the music)
Yippee!

The music subsides, the lights dim, the crowd whoops and hollers HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Renee, laughing, had joined the crowd.

RENEE
(maliciously)
See sucker, the only fear is fear itself.

MAXINE
(looking at most of her friends in the whooping crowd)
How could you?

RENEE
(meanly)
Easily!

MAXINE
(sobbing, running for the exit)
How could I ever have trusted you?

RENEE
(cruelly)
Idiot!

The stage door slams shut and then re-opens.

MAXINE
(bare-assed, mooning all)
Doesn’t matter; I’m over it, Bitch!

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Kimbal Thompson.