Lesson 18

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 4 REVISION

Renee’s Conformist Trait changed to… Violent

Renee: Prissy (BTW using the excessively fussy, exacting, demanding or particular meaning of prissy), Devious, Outgoing, Violent

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

Maxine: Tricky, Snobbish, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Logline: Yesterday 15 YO Maxine promised 15 YO Renee she would keep her dark secret. She didn’t.

Essence: Maxine lied to Renee and swore she would keep her dark secret. She plots to take Maxine down so she can be free of her, the violence, subjugation and abuse, and as a bonus… win the race.

INT UPSCALE COFFEE SHOP AFTERNOON

SERVER drags himself over to the two 15 YO girls MAXINE and RENEE, he’s dealt with them before.

SERVER

(Holding up a pad and pen)

What can I get for you girls today?

MAXINE opens her mouth to speak, but…

RENEE

(Gazing at the menu)

I think I’ll have a BLT on white toast with avocado, mayonnaise, and green olives, a side of potato salad, Cole slaw, but the one without the celery seeds…

(Takes a deep breath)

A serving of your cinnamon palmiers, and a vanilla soda.

SERVER

I’ll see if we have that particular Cole slaw today. If we don’t is there something you’d like instead?

RENEE

Yes, do you have the fresh fruit salad today?

SERVER

We surely don’t, but we do have fresh strawberries. Would you like those?

RENEE

Yes, but with whipped cream. And you know I’ve changed my mind about the Soda, I’d like a hot coffee instead… but with the raw sugar instead of the white.

SERVER

(Writing)

Of course.

SERVER nods to MAXINE.

SERVER

Miss?

MAXINE

(Clearing her throat)

I’ll have a Pellegrino with lime, the toasted baguette with sautéed mushrooms, onions, garlic and parmesan cheese, and a small tossed salad with the balsamic vinaigrette. Thank you.

SERVER

(Smiling at them)

I’ve got it, I’ll be back in about ten minutes, or so.

MAXINE (CONT’D)

(Turning to Renee)

Don’t you think that’s a lot of food the day before the race?

RENEE

(Almost yelling so everyone can hear)

Not at all. I need to fuel my carbs so my calves and thighs don’t cramp. We’ll be biking up some steep hills tomorrow.

RENEE fixing her hair in a compact mirror.

RENEE (CONT’D)

(In confidence)

I’m so glad you picked this place to meet, so many of our classmates are here.

RENEE waves to a few girls.

MAXINE

(Sighs)

I’m a little nervous, I may not race. My bike feels a little off too. The wheels feel shaky.

RENEE

(Covering her face with the menu and smiling)

Nonsense. We’ve been training for months. You’re very good, almost as fast as Jocelyn. You should go.

MAXINE

(Totally paranoid)

It just feels wrong after what you… happened to Jocelyn. I’ll flag the finish instead.

RENEE

(playing with the table knife)

You didn’t tell anyone did you? That’s our little gang secret. If you do, I’ll cut you. Remember what happened when you flirted with Mitch.

MAXINE

(Trembling)

I never flirted with Mitch, and you know it. You just like hurting people.

RENEE

(Whispering)

Well you’re dead meat if you told anyone.

MAXINE gags, then takes a drink and chokes on the water, coughing.

SANDRA runs over to the girls from the other side of the crowded cafe. She almost knocks over the SERVER who is carrying a large tray for another table. He manages to save the tray and himself moving his arms like an ancient Egyptian dancer.

SANDRA

(Slapping both hands on the table)

Did you hear? Someone purposefully ran down Jocelyn with their car. She’s in the hospital with broken ribs, a broken leg and a broken arm. She didn’t see who it was. She says it was because she was number one to win…

(Appalled)

and someone wanted her out of the race.

(Looking over her shoulder and then turning back)

I heard the police impounded a car.

RENEE

(Acting surprised, kicking Maxine hard under the table)

No we didn’t hear that.

MAXINE

(Shocked)

No.

SANDRA EXITS

MAXINE

(In a hush)

You said she was just bruised up.

RENEE

(Raising herself half off her seat and leaning forward)

Who did you tell?!

MAXINE

(Stammering)

No one. Why do you always blame me? Everyone must know she’s in the hospital by now.

Four POLICE OFFICERS saunter into the coffee shop. They speak to the MANAGER at the counter. He points to RENEE. Everyone in the cafe is watching. All four officers make a semi circle around RENEE’S side of the table.

POLICE OFFICER #1

Renee Farrow?

RENEE

(Stares down Maxine)

This isn’t over!

POLICE OFFICER #1

You are under arrest for the hit and run incident last night leading to the severe injury of Jocelyn Parks. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights?

RENEE jumps to her feet and glares right up in the Officer’s face.

POLICE OFFICER #2 CUFFS RENEE

RENEE

(Bent over forward, spits at Officer’s #1’s feet)

Fuck you fascist!

RENEE charges at MAXINE but gets whacked with a BATON, and is dragged away by two of the Officers forcefully resisting them the entire time. Another Officer is leading the way dispersing the gathering crowd, the fourth is behind RENEE making sure she can’t run if she manages to wrestle loose.

SANDRA rushes back over to MAXINE’S side. She rubs her back gently.

MAXINE

(Crying)

At least she didn’t get a chance to mutilate me.

SANDRA

Hush now. Do you need a ride home?

MAXINE

No thank you Sandy. I’m going to bike home.

MAXINE in tears, parades to the door holding her head up high.

A crack of sunlight gilts her face as she opens the door.

MAXINE

(To herself)

I might even win now.

Think I’ll use your bike though Renee.

CUT TO:

BICYCLE STAND OUTSIDE

TWO BIKES, one with loose wheels. The other in perfect condition.

FADE TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Christi Falk]

Title: Forever Home

Logline- Maxine is dealing with new roommate Renee, who lied about their living situation.

Essence-Roommates adjust their living expectations.

Trait I changed: Maxine’s. Tricky to Feline. I thought, this woman has the personality of a cat. Why not?

Forever Home

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

RENEE, 30s, perfectly set without a hair out of place, walks proudly towards her three story walk up. As she ascends the stairs, there’s a barely perceptible bulge in her coat. A SHADOW watches from her window.

Behind her, JOSIE and BOBBY, 28, a dink couple in their glory, call out.

BOBBY

Renee! You’re home early.

Renee turns on a fashionable heel to greet both with a thousand watt smile.

RENEE

Bobby and… Jenny.

JOSIE

It’s Josie.

Renee looks crestfallen.

RENEE

Josie of course. Why do I keep forgetting?

JOSIE

Only you know that.

Facade in place, Renee glances at the NO PETS ALLOWED sign on the front door before continuing her small talk.

RENEE

I just thought what a beautiful day to run a few errands.

BOBBY

How’s the crusade to change the bylaws.

Renee lets out a sigh. Her favorite topic.

RENEE

Tiresome but ultimately rewarding. There’s nothing better than knowing you’ve improved where you live.

JOSIE

That coat is looking a bit tight.

Bobby elbows her in the ribs. Renee smooths out the slight bulge.

RENEE

Why, yes, I have gained 3 and a half pounds since last winter but I still fit this coat.

She smiles as she looks at Josie and touches her own well tailored shoulder as she looks to Josie’s frayed coat.

BOBBY

Well, have a great weekend!

RENEE

Wait, you two, I forget my manners. Would you like to come over? I’d love to get your opinion on some new drapes I’ve bought. I can put on some mulled wine?

JOSIE

Really, no, thanks. We’ll take a raincheck-

BOBBY

We’d really love to come over we’re just-

JOSIE

So busy these days. Soon!

Renee smiles as they pass and she opens her door.

INT. RENEES APPARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER

The appartment is impeccably decorated in muted colours, mimicking the fall catalogues she has strewn on the coffee table.

Renee closes and locks the door, then slowly opens her coat and cat food is strapped to her waist. She slowly removes it and places it on the hall table as MAXIME, 7, Persian short hair feline, pops up from behind a chair then hides again.

RENEE

There you are, sweetums!

Renee places her coat tidily in the closet and switches her boots for slippers. She moves towards the chair, reaching down to pick up Maxine.

RENEE

Come on, Maxy boo boo. I know you don’t like hiding.

MAXINE

Hmmmpht.

Renee reaches out to stroke the cream coloured feline, coincidentally the same colour as the furniture, but she bristles at the touch.

RENEE

Still not for petting. It’s okay. I don’t care for it either.

Maxine then scatters under the furniture as a small noise comes from the heater.

RENEE

Sweetums, remember, we talked about this. It’s just the heat.

Renee walks to the kitchen and brings a bowl- straight up crystal fancy feast style- and opens the cat food into it. She places the dish on the table, then moves back to allow Maxine her space.

Maxine moves, slowly, checking every possible angle with stealth and grace, ending up on the table in record time. She SNIFFS then turns her head to the side.

Renee patiently waits, pretending not to watch. Maxine finally moves forward and nibbles, then devours the meal.

Another KNOCK KNOCK but not at the door. Maxine startles and jumps on top of the refrigerator.

Renee looks out her drapes to see WORKMEN removing a plaque from the building. She races to throw her coat and boots on, then goes to meet them.

EXT. BUILDING -DAY

Renee approaches the nearest WORKER, 50s, heavyset and clearly not caring.

RENEE

Excuse me please, what are you doing?

WORKMAN

Some crazy broad finally got this place to change policy. It’s going pet friendly.

Renee made a WHOOP of glee and ran back inside. The workers shook their heads and continued.

INT. RENEES APPARTMENT – DAY

Renee didn’t bother to properly place her coat this time but threw it over a chair and kicked off her boots, running to the kitchen barefoot.

RENEE

Who’s my best little baby? You are!

Maxine bristled at being manhandled off the fridge as Renee danced with him barefoot on her plush carpet.

FADE OUT.

[Susan]

I forgot and posted feedback here, then moved it to 19. 😜

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Michael Jones]

INT. CAVE – NIGHT

Maxine and Renee press up against the wall of the cave. SOMETHING LARGE can be heard moving in one of the shoots of tunnels.

RENEE

Do you think it knows we’re here?

MAXINE

No. I’m sure it does this all the time. Nice dress, by the way.

RENEE

Thanks.

Maxine shakes her head, then nudges Renee and signals for her to follow.

MAXINE

I’ve been thinkin,’ you know, ‘bout what we talked about.

RENEE

I told you I wouldn’t say anything.

MAXINE

No. I know. Good. Good.

Renee offers Maxine a water bottle.

MAXINE

No, thanks.

RENEE

I don’t have cooties.

MAXINE

What kind of water?

RENEE

Does it matter?

MAXINE

I’ll pass.

Renee thrusts the bottle into Maxine’s hand. Maxine reluctantly takes a sip. Then another big gulp.

RENEE

I filled it at the waterfall.

Maxine spits out a mouthful and spits onto the ground. Renee takes the bottle back.

RENEE

Shh. That thing’ll hear us.

Renee pulls a flashlight out of her pack.

RENEE

Hold this for me, will you?

MAXINE

We shouldn’t have this on.

RENEE

Just a minute.

Renee pulls a handheld mirror from her bag and begins to apply lipstick while checking out her makeup and hair. Maxine, in disbelief, shuts the light off.

MAXINE

Not going to get eaten because you want to feel pretty when it happens.

Renee puts her stuff carefully back, stands and straightens her dress. She holds out her hand to Maxine who gives her the flashlight back.

RENEE

Something about this doesn’t feel right.

MAXINE

Hear that?

Something Large is LOUDER, now.

MAXINE

Sure we’re not moving toward it?

RENEE

How should I know? I can barely see in here.

Something Large gets closer. Renee forces Maxine against the wall. She presses beside her and puts her arm out like a belt holding her.

RENEE

Hold your breath.

Maxine tries but can’t hold it long.

RENEE

Maybe this will motivate you.

Within seconds, a Something Large appears. It’s a giant snake-like DRAGON, slithering past and almost brushing Renee and Maxine.

The Dragon pauses. Maxine and Renee sweat. Maxine vibrates, unable to hold her breath. Renee puts her hand over her mouth and almost inaudible whispers.

RENEE

Slowly. Into my hand.

Maxine exhales as the Dragon resumes its search and turns down another tunnel.

Renee and Maxine breathe in what little relief they can muster.

RENEE

This doesn’t feel right, at all. I’m sorry.

MAXINE

I was starting to enjoy myself.

RENEE

We need to risk a little light. Come on.

DEAD END

Renee and Maxine make a wrong turn and find themselves with nowhere left to go and the Dragon edging ever closer. Renee spots to a small hole in the upper wall.

RENEE

You go, I think you can make it.

Maxine goes to it.

MAXINE

It’s too high.

RENEE

I’ll give you a boost.

MAXINE

Right, ‘cause I’m the short one. Maybe you can help me once your through.

RENEE

I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t.

MAXINE

One of us has to. You’ll never have a chance.

RENEE

Okay, then, but right behind me, right?

MAXINE

Right behind you.

Maxine hoists Renee up and she scrambles through the hole and makes it. She disappears from Maxine’s sight.

The Dragon SNORTS in the distance but close enough to not want to hang back.

MAXINE

Renee?

Renee surfaces.

MAXINE

Renee? You okay?

RENEE

Am I okay? Do you even know what you did?

MAXINE

What? Renee, help me up.

RENEE

Everyone knows.

MAXINE

What?

They just stare at each other. Tears start welling in Maxine’s eyes.

MAXINE

What do you mean everyone knows?

RENEE

They know what you did. All of them.

MAXINE

You said you wouldn’t say anything.

RENEE

You said he wouldn’t die.

The shock and hurt on Maxine’s face halts Renee from her next move.

MAXINE

At least it’s safer in here.

RENEE

I’ll pull you up but I had to let you know.

MAXINE

You win. It’s what you wanted.

RENEE

Not this way.

Maxine drops her pack. Renee reaches a hand in. Maxine doesn’t move. Then, Maxine cups her hands around her mouth and SHOUTS.

MAXINE

Hey! Dragon!

RENEE

Maxine, Maxine, what are you doing?

MAXINE

Goodbye, Renee.

The Dragon closes in. Loud hissing and gliding.

RENEE

Maxine!

Maxine gives one last painful look at Renee. Then, she heads toward the Dragon.

RENEE

Maxine! Maxine! I’m sorry. Maxine?

Maxine jumps and starts clamoring out the hole.

MAXINE

Told you I could get you to apologize. Take my hand.

Renee grabs it but her hand slips and Maxine falls back. The face of the Dragon looks up at Renee.

RENEE

Maxine!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Michael Jones.