Lesson 18

[Rita Roberts]

I think this is where we post this ?
Rita's Cycle #4 -2nd draft

What I learned:
Interesting that I chose almost the same character jobs as the example, critique scene. I changed mine a bit in this rewrite which maybe improves some subtext?
I'm not sure I achieved what my earlier breakthrough illuminated but I trust it will become second nature as these lessons sink in.

Scenes get longer when I'm cramming in ITs.

The part I added at the end would change the course of the rest of the story so… I have to be willing to change the whole story if I come up with a cliffhanger/hook scene.

LOGLINE:
A disguised movie star and her assistant bike an ocean cliff trail until paparazzi jump out of bushes — their secret is not only revealed, it's about to go viral.

ESSENCE: Maxine has betrayed Renee.
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine — snobbish changed to soft-hearted

EXT. OCEAN CLIFF TRAIL – DAY
RENEE (20s) pedals along a level stretch of dirt between tall grasses. She's gear heavy — dark glasses, bike helmet, neck scarf — which hides her identity.

RENEE
Come on! You're supposed to be in better shape than I am.

Her trainer, MAXINE (30s) pedals listless, reluctant to move forward. Her muscles pose as protective gear as she rides in a tank and no helmet.

MAXINE
Hold up. Let's take in the view, Apple Cheeks.

Renee does as instructed. Her shoes hit the dirt. She brushes a smudge off a pristine toe, the shoes' first time out. And last.

Maxine glides up next to her. Slides a hand down Renee's perfect, round butt. Renee smacks her hand away.

RENEE
Did you see a whale?

Maxine's mood darkens. She looks up and down the trail.

MAXINE
You're afraid there are whale watchers on this trail?

She fishes a tiny set of binoculars out of her oversized fanny pack. Focuses on a cluster of bushes way up ahead.

Her brow furrows.

Renee takes a photo of the view. Then a selfie with Maxine blurred, in the background but her scowl is clear.

RENEE
Lighten up, girlie. This is so cool. I wish my high school friends could be here. Insta-worthy. Hashtag, "goodlife".

She thumbs a post.

MAXINE
Oh, yeah. They'd love this whole arrangement. So cool.

She gestures to indicate the two of them.

RENEE
Secrets are my specialty.

MAXINE
Hashtag, "goseemymovie".

RENEE
That's right! Me and Jakey 'til we breaky.

Renee puts on an over-acted pout.

MAXINE
Jakey is a snakey.

RENEE
Whatever. Let's go to that shade up ahead and see if we spot any big boys and their blow holes.

She chuckles at her own lame joke and takes off.

But Maxine simmers.

MAXINE
Perfect. I'm sure we will.

They pedal uphill to a cypress that clings to a steep drop and the cluster of bushes. Maxine keeps an eagle eye on the bushes.

Renee lays her bike down and points to the ground beneath the tree.

Maxine unrolls a small towel for her boss.

Renee sits. She holds her hand out toward Maxine.

Maxine touches Renee's hand but Renee recoils.

RENEE
No, I mean the binocs.

Maxine hands them over and sits down in the dirt. She scoots closer to Renee, puts her arm around her.

MAXINE
See anything out there?

But Maxine looks inland toward the bushes.

RENEE
Are you sure this trail is empty? Fake Jake is my tabloid fodder.

MAXINE
I scouted everything. Besides, you're the chatterbox, social butterfly. Have you told anyone?

Renee lowers the binoculars and leans back to get a good look at Maxine.

RENEE
You think would I jeopardize everything?

She unbuckles her helmet and lets her hair fall loose.

MAXINE
Oh, but I would? Like this would go over well in my world. Fraternizing and all.

Maxine heaves a rock over the cliff, angry. The metaphorical tightrope frays along with her emotions.

RENEE
What is with you?

MAXINE
You've been yapping away with your old BFF back in Bumfuck, No-wheres- ville. Who knows what you two are giggling about.

RENEE
I have more to lose. And you're not cute when you're jealous.

Maxine adjusts, steps more carefully.

MAXINE
Just wishing things were different. But that's why we're so good together. We understand each other.

Maxine smooths Renee's long hair.

RENEE
You think I don't see you lurking around corners when I talk to my bestie, my mom… Freaking everybody?

Renee's volume has increased with accusatory anger.

Maxine shushes her, kisses her cheek. Pulls her in now that passion has ignited.

Renee submits.

MAXINE
You're right. I know everything about you.

Maxine lifts off Renee's shirt and unhooks her sports bra. Lays her back in the grass.

Maxine stands as if to undress herself…

Multiple CLICKS of camera shutters.

A mob of paparazzi emerge from the bushes.

RENEE
You… You? Why?

Renee lunges for her shirt but Maxine flings it. It's caught on a branch, which overhangs the cliff.

Maxine chokes a little on her words and a slight twang in her voice increases.

MAXINE
It's my… I got my own people back home. And my own plans.

RENEE
You could've just asked me to help.

She jumps up to retrieve her shirt while she dodges cameras and hugs herself to cover her chest. Or hold her broken heart together.

CAMERA JERK sideswipes her. She falls into Maxine's arms.

Shutters go crazy.

CAMERA JERK

How long have you two been a couple?

RENEE
We're not. And she's fired!

But Maxine buries her face in Renee's neck. Holds her tight and whispers.

MAXINE
I'm sorry. All publicity is good publicity, right?

Renee struggles.

RENEE
Let go!

CAMERA JERK
That's good we got it.

Maxine releases Renee who stumbles toward her shirt. Too close to the cliff.

Loose scree shifts under her feet.

Maxine reaches for her.

MAXINE
Renee! Take my hand.

RENEE
Get away from me.

Maxine touches Renee's bare back, nothing to grab onto…

The branch gives way.

Renee SCREAMS. So does Maxine.

CAMERA STILLS:
Capture. Every. Phase. Of Renee's demise.

Silence.

PHOTO VULTURES run through their digital pictures.

CAMERA JERK
Whoa. Fall or push? There's the story.

Maxine lies on her belly to look over the cliff at Renee's broken body. Tears flow.

Photo Vultures adjust their gear for the hike out. Just another day at work.

MAXINE
You're sick.

Doesn't phase them.

CAMERA JERK
Yep. We all are. Hey, bright side, looks like auditions for the lead with Jakey will resume.

A few steps up the trail he calls back to her.

CAMERA JERK
You should probably call 911. Your secret's safe with me but I can't speak for the rest of these guys.

Maxine's tears halt, overcome by terror, then horror as…

Moans of pained misery rises from the rocks below.

RENEE
(feeble)
Help me. Please.

Maxine jumps up, tosses Renee's bike over the cliff.

It hits. The moans stop.

Maxine grabs her own bike and speeds back down the trail.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: I changed Renne's "outgoing" trait to "cruel." It fits better with the essence of getting what you deserve. I like how changing one core trait changes so much of the intention and slant of the scene. On this draft I also tightened some of the ITs and tightened the core traits. It does indeed get better when those traits are nailed down.

LOGLINE: Renee promised not to tell Maxine's secret, and now that she did, it's going to come back and bite her.
ESSENCE: You do reap what you sow.

QE4 – SECOND DRAFT
EXT. CABIN – NIGHT
The remote cabin is shrouded in mist as RENEE (23) arrives. MAXINE (35) is already there, cutting a cabbage for a salad.

RENEE
So here I am, as you asked. Up here, in this dirty remote old cabin.

MAXINE
I agree, it’s beneath me. Chadsworth bought it for me, but I rarely use it. At least now, with you here, it has a purpose.

RENEE
Ah! You’re giving it to me as my wedding present? I’m sure my fiancé “honest Abe” can find some use for it once he’s voted in. We made sure he will win that election. Paid off the best people. I’ve even fine-tuned my values to perfectly conform to what those stupid voters want.

MAXINE
I’m not giving this place to you. That’s not why I asked you here.

RENEE
My time is so precious. It’s just like you to waste it.

Maxine has trouble cutting the cabbage — the knife seems dull. She selects another knife. It cuts a bit better. Slice, slice, slice. Like a guillotine.

RENEE
Um… Maxine? Can you put that knife down? I have such delicate nerves.

Maxine frowns at the knife. She picks a BIGGER SCARIER knife.
Ka-CHUNK. It chops the cabbage head in half like it was butter.

Renee SCREAMS.

MAXINE
Sorry. I’m just jumpy. The truth is, I asked you here so we could talk in private. About something that has me on edge.

RENEE
Talk? You made me come all this way and you’re not giving me an expensive present? Some friend you are.

MAXINE
Pay attention. This is important. At your bachelorette party, I had a few drinks. I told you something in private. You said you would never repeat it.

RENEE
I didn’t.

MAXINE
Are you sure?

RENEE
Are you deaf? I already said that.

MAXINE
Because it could really cause a lot of trouble if you did.

RENEE
Stop harassing me. I didn’t blab..

Maxine produces a hefty official bible. Holds it out.

MAXINE
Then swear you didn’t on this bible. As a good Christian woman, swear to god on his holy book.
Renee frowns.

MAXINE
Do it! Swear on this bible. Or I’m not letting you leave. Don’t try to run off — I’ve put your car keys away until you do what I ask.

Renee nervously places her right hand on the bible.

RENEE
I, Renee Walker, swear, as God is my witness, that I did not tell a single soul that you have slept with someone else besides your husband Chadsworth. Happy now?

Unseen by Maxine, Renee’s left hand inches up her own back… and crosses her fingers.

MAXINE
(with relief)
Thank goodness you didn’t tell. Because that would have been…

Maxine’s phone rings.

MAXINE (into phone)
What? And then… oh my god. That’s terrible. I see. Yes, I’ll call you back.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Oh, Renee, I am so sorry. Abe…

RENEE
What? He crashed his car? Is he hurt? Is he dying?

Maxine sighs.

RENEE
Tell me!

MAXINE
You swore to me. On a bible.

RENEE
What? What about Abe?

MAXINE
Nothing happened to him — yet. But now… Renee, I told you my secret in confidence. It’s out. And you lied.

RENEE
Your nasty secret? You have no proof I leaked it.

MAXINE
I’ve never told anyone else, ever. I didn’t dare. My dark past haunts me. For years I’ve been so careful. Afraid it would come out. You don’t know what you’ve done.

RENEE
Fine. You want the truth? I did NOT tell a soul — I told LOTS of people! Ha, ha! So there!

MAXINE
You stupid girl.

RENEE
Don’t get all high and mighty with me. YOU are the one who did the dirty deed. Why would Abe and I want to be friends with someone who keeps dirty little secrets? Someone who sleeps around? Voters won’t like that. Abe’s going to be a very public figure. We’ve got his reputation to consider.

MAXINE
You don’t understand. I didn’t cheat on Chadsworth. It happened long before we were married. Chadsworth thought I was a pure 16-yr-old maiden when we met, but I wasn’t. So yes, I deceived him all these years. And lived with that shame and fear that it would come out. The truth is — I had a child, in secret, at 13.

RENEE
Ewwww! I’m glad I told everyone. Abe and I couldn’t possibly be friends with someone like that.

MAXINE
I don’t want to, but now I might have to explain my side, publicly. To protect myself.

RENEE
Nothing can protect you. You’re just a snobby bitch, with a slutty past.

MAXINE
What you don’t know, you foolish girl, is that when I was a child, an older man raped me.

RENEE
You probably deserved it. You tricked Chadworth into marrying you. And now you’re trying to trick me into being sympathetic. Well, forget it! Whatever you get, you deserve it! You reap what you sow.

MAXINE
I did hide my past. But I didn’t want it to get out — for you. You see, the man who raped me, he… he was your father.

RENEE
Hogwash! I’m adopted. I don’t even know who my real father is.

MAXINE
Your adoptive father IS your real father. After the rape, he got clean and sober, and he adopted you as a single dad. But once it comes out that he was a rapist, he’ll go to jail.

RENEE
So you… wait. Are you saying that you are my mother?

MAXINE
Yes, you spiteful girl. You’ve just gained a mother, who you have viciously slandered. And lost your father to jail.

RENEE
What have you done to me? This is terrible! And Abe… what’s he going to do?

MAXINE
I guess you’ll have to find out if you really do reap what you sow.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: Reposted so the line spacing works