Lesson 17

[Robert Kerr]

Bob Kerr Put Your Descriptions to the Test

“What I learned from this assignment is I regularly extended the description as if I was writing a book and not a script. I have received several feedbacks in the past that my descriptions were too long. This lesson demonstrated what the others were communicating. Much easier to apply the four questions and cut excess this time around.

One specific description that I want feedback on is the very opening description.

Line:

FRAN KING, a 5’5” medium build, twenty-one year old “Daddy’s girl”, stuffs clothes and toys into her over filled 1973 yellow VW Beetle. Her three year old daughter, SUSAN, is sitting on the steps of the house hugging her stuffed bear.

Fran looks up and tears leak down her face. She wipes them away. Fran pulls out an envelope from the front pocket of her shirt. She smacks it down on an open hand then puts it back in her shirt. She scoops up Susan, with her teddy bear, off the porch.

Need: To show Fran’s anguish and desperation at losing her home.

Any assistance would be welcome. Remembering that this is a true story and the description of the car is an essential tool throughout the script.

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Bob,

HUGE DISCLAIMER – I may have totally ruined this scene, but here is my attempt. Take it or leave it.

FRAN KING, 21, average physically, but on the verge mentally, can barely stuff the final suitcase and box of toys into her 1973 yellow VW Beetle. SUSAN, 3, sits on the porch and clutches her stuffed bear.

Fran wipes her nose and teary eyes as she gazes at the house. She takes an envelope from her shirt pocket, smacks it on her hand, then puts it back. She scoops up Susan and gently stuffs her into the car.

Note: I kept the envelope in the scene because I’m assuming it will come into play later.

I left out “Daddy’s Girl” because this is difficult to see. I know you’re going for a dynamic character description, but I’m not sure what that looks like.

Hope this helps, but if not, please disregard it.

[Robert Kerr]

Deb:

Thank you and such a huge help! Your suggestion will give a huge emotional springboard to the opening scenes. Deeply appreciate your insight.

Thanks,

Bob

[David Wickenden]

Okay Bob, Like Deb, I think you need to concentrate more on Fran’s mental state. Having her ram things into the car. Not fitting, her losing it causing the child to lose it should do it. When you upset, the little things set you off. Just her packing by herself tells us she is one her own.

I don’t know if the envelope has anything to do with the main story, but we’ve all seen or heard about breakups. Make it as difficult as you can.

[Robert Kerr]

Dave:

Like Deb, you have echoed the emotion focus and that has been a stumbling block for me. Thank you for your insight. Deeply appreciated.

Bob

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment… My description desperately needed to go on a diet. Thanks to Hal’s four questions, I was able to trim 12 pages! I learned how to make my descriptions necessary, clear, concise, and in some instances, meaningful.

Currently, I do not have any descriptions that I need help with.

[David Wickenden]

David Wickenden Description

What I learned doing this assignment?

Rather than cutting, Let me know if I should add a line of description. Pg 19.

Need: I need the reader to understand that the dialog between Guang and others is telepathic, not vocal.

The column marches westward. Because the Gurkhas march rather than ride, Adam gives up his horse and marches with the other soldiers. Guang flies along the line to settle beside Adam.

GUANG

Good morning, Adam.

ADAM

Ah… good morning.

FELLOW SOLDIER

(nodding)

Good morning.

GUANG

Adam, If you talk to me with your thoughts, I can hear them. That way, we can talk privately, and you don’t look like you’re talking to yourself.

ADAM

Like this?

GUANG

Perfect.

Guang suddenly zooms off until he is a speck on the horizon. In a voice, no louder nor less clear, he says…

GUANG

You can reach me from anywhere in Heaven.

PG 44. Line: Riku tugs at the ribbon and touches his shin. He extends his hand so she can feel the thumbs up.

Need: Is it clear that she plans on using the ribbon to trip their enemies? Note: They are in pitch darkness and have to be silent.

[Deb Johnson]

Here are a couple of suggestions… (note: the dialogue should be italicized)

Adam (V.O.)

Like this?

Or

Adam (V.O.)

(telepathy)

Like this?

Or

Adam

(unspoken, subtitled)

Like this?

Re: Pg. 44 – If the context sets up the scene, then it’s clear. If there is no context, I would add:

Riku tugs the ribbon, pulls it quick and tight across his shin, then rolls his hands in a tumbling motion.

[Robert Kerr]

David:

perhaps as line of description that has Guang touching his temples to emphasize the capacity to use telepathy..

Aside from that, I think Deb has really covered it quite well.

Bob

[Douglas E. Hughes]

Douglas E. Hughes – Description

What I learned is that, yes, there’s a strong tendency to skim through this exercise if you’re not careful. I went through the script three times, just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. Each time, I found a few opportunities to clarify and/or abbreviate some of the description, but all in all, the descriptions weren’t in bad shape. At the end of the process, I’d only lost about a third of a page of script.