Lesson 19: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 4

[Madeleine Gentinetta]

LOGLINE: The transgender women Renee and Maxine are at the beauty farm when Renee gets the phone call that she is HIV positive.

ESSENCE: Even best friends can betray each other.

TRAIT CHANGED: Renee
from conformist to upbeat drama queen.

OVER BLACK
MID-NOUGHTIES

RENEE (O.S.)
Patricia, honey… can you liberate me from the veggies, please?

MAXINE (O.S.)
Alas, I want to indulge this 24K gold as long as possible.
(beat)
Uh… any news from the lab?

RENEE (O.S.)
So sweet you care… no.

BEEPING SOUND of an alarm. TRIPPING FOOTSTEPS approach.

RENEE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Patricia? Hon?

The black screen abruptly turns into glaring white.

INT. BEAUTY FARM- FACIAL STUDIO – MORNING
Two transgender women RENEE and MAXINE in their thirties are lying on treatment chairs side by side. They wear white robes and their faces are plastered with gold beauty masks.
Patricia holds the two cucumber slices from Renee in her hands. She wants to dispose them.

RENEE
Patricia… have them wrapped for my rabbit… individually, please.

Patricia liberates Maxine from her cucumbers as well.

MAXINE
Rabbit? You got a rodent?
(whispering)
Don’t beg her for everything.

Renee and Maxine rub their eyes and stare at each other.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
What about this bunny?

Renee makes an explicit gesture for sexual intercourse.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
Mark?

RENEE
Yep, he craves for cucumbers.

MAXINE
(with a broken voice)
I don’t like when you rabbit Mark… He’s such a…

Renee pats Maxine’s hand.

RENEE
Sorry, sweetie…

Maxine blinks and turns away to hide her tears.

INT. BEAUTY FARM – NAIL STUDIO – MORNING
Renee and Maxine sit side by side at white tables and have their nails done simultaneously by Patricia and Silvia.

MAXINE
Sorry… before… I’m just so emotionally fragile…

Maxine blinks again.

RENEE
Emotionally fragile?

MAXINE
A birthday, simply a birthday.
(beat)
Don’t stab me in the back with this… ok?
(beat)
Vow.

Renee nods understandingly.

RENEE
Speaking of vow… can you zip it?

Maxine nods curiously.

RENEE (CONT’D)
Tonight, we fete birthday and betrothal.

Maxine’s face undergoes an instant aging.

RENEE (CONT’D)
I want this to be like Mark Anthony and Cleopatra… everlasting ardor.
(beat)
Wanna see the rock?

Renee’s mobile phone RINGS.

MAXINE
(whispering)
Betrothal? Betrayal. Such a snake.

Renee tries to reach for the mobile phone without the nails touching anything.

PATRICIA
Careful… your nails…

Renee looks at the number and shrugs.

RENEE
Coucou… yes…
(beat)
It’s me… Renee… Renee Fauxcul.
(beat)
Yes… uh-huh… yes…

Renee turns pale.

RENEE (CONT’D)
Are… you, I mean… are you sure?

Renee nods and bites her lips.

Renee throws herself at Maxine.

MAXINE
I’m sure you wrecked my nails.

Renee looks devastated. Patricia hands Renee a tissue, gets up and signals Silvia to get up as well.

PATRICIA
We’ll have an espresso…

Renee looks gratefully and sobs.

RENEE
That was the lab…

MAXINE
Oh well… they took their time.

RENEE
It’s… positive. I mean… I’m positive.

Maxine shakes her head.

RENEE (CONT’D)
Positive? Oh lord!

Maxine nods.

MAXINE
What about Mark?

RENEE
Mark?
(pause)
I gonna look like Freddy… towards the end.

Renee sobs.

Maxine holds Renee’s head.

MAXINE
Listen darling, nobody with HIV looks like Freddy anymore…. Nobody. They got great medicine and you will live for years and nobody will even know.
(beat)
Look at me…

RENEE
What?

Maxine avoids eye contact and distract by putting up a big smile.

MAXINE
I mean… look at me… it’s not about how we look… it’s about how we feel, no?

Renee sobs and nods.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
What about Mark?

RENEE
Mark? When shall I tell him?
Before or after the party?
(beat)
Or not at all?

MAXINE
Cancel the party and talk to him.

Renee stares at the ceiling.

RENEE
I only live once.

Maxine clears her throat.

MAXINE
Do you know… from whom?

Renee hesitates but leans over towards Maxine.

RENEE
(whispering into Maxine’s ear)
Presumptively Geoffrey… at this obscure opera orgy.

Maxine’s eyes widen, she fans herself, exhales heavily and shakes her head.

MAXINE
That’s the destiny of a big-game hunter… deadly fun.

RENEE
Can you take this to your grave?

MAXINE
Positive… I dig it.

Renee rolls her eyes.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
Sorry, dearie.

INT. RENEE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON
The luxurious kitchen is a beehive. Preparations for the opulent party are in full gear.
Renee looks upset and gives instructions.
When a good looking caterer rushes by, she pats his butt.
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Renee opens the door, the postman hands over her the large parcel with red stickers CAUTION: THIS SIDE UP.
Renee unwraps the parcel and discovers the cage with a rabbit in it, a letter as well.
Renee opens the cage, the rabbit jumps out and scampers away.
Renee does not even try to catch it. She opens the letter and reads.

RENEE
(shakily)
Renee… you know, Geoffrey was a no go… I’m heartbroken… by the time you read these words, the rabbit is already gone… His name is rocky but he doesn’t listen to it.
(beat)
Courage.
(beat)
And sorry about the positive news.
(beat)
I’m positive too… from Maxine.

Renee drops the letter. She wants to reach out for the chair, trips over the empty cage, falls and hits the ground.

Renee lies on the floor unconsciously.

Just minutes later, The DOORBELL RINGS several times and is followed by HEAVY KNOCKING.

MAXINE (O.S.)
It’s me… your tower of strength… Maxine.

The camera focuses on the back of the letter lying on the floor. It reads:

LETTER
PS… careful when you change the litter… there is a hunting knife. M.

[Tim Adeney]

Hi Madeleine,

Some thoughts on your scene. I think the choice of characters was interesting and gives scope for the assignment. I did find the characters fairly similar, and got confused between them… but first, the traits I identified: Maxine is tricky and snobbish. Renee is outgoing and a drama queen, but I read some of this as paranoid, which I think is why I confused the characters.

I’m afraid I don’t understand all the stuff about the rabbits, so I think I’m missing stuff that I should be getting. Being confused doesn’t help me give you decent feedback! Sorry about that.

Renee believes she should win, but because she got HIV she also seems emotionally wounded. Clearly she has been devious in the past- that comes through. I’m guessing Maxine was also sleeping with the same guy spreading HIV… so she’s hiding something.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful… I’m wondering if I’m creating mystery and dilemma for the characters, it went too far. Or maybe that’s just me being obtuse.

The dark beginning creates a hook; that works for me. There’s something unseen in the prognosis. There’s anticipation around the rabbits, although I didn’t understand. Certainly uncomfortable moments! And a cliffhanger at the end.

There you go. Hopefully that helps somewhat.

[Laurie Stoner]

I agree with all of Andrew’s comments. I also got sidetracked trying to follow who was who and determining their character traits in the dialogue. I thought maybe the rabbits were something unseen but I wasn’t sure. I noted that you incorporated most of the rest of the interest techniques as well. I applaud you for writing this when English isn’t your native language!

[Audrey Gomes]

Hi Madeleine… I think the opening was a really good hook. And the characters you chose are inherently interesting. The situation is a difficult one to tackle. And you have great lines in this scene like: … the opera orgy, and That’s the destiny of a big-game hunter… deadly fun… and Maxine’s face undergoes and instant aging… Vividly colorful imagery! And a unique use of language.

I wish that I could’ve understood the nuances better about the Rabbit. And I wish I could help with discussing the scene in a bit more depth. I agree that you’ve done a good job although English is not your native language. Still a really good job!

[Laurie Stoner]

LOGLINE: Renee, pregnant by her pimp, is trying to escape with Maxine, another sex worker.

ESSENCE: Renee will go to any length to be free

TRAIT CHANGED: Renee’s conformist to unpredictable

EXT. RENTED SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

Sedan climbs up the snowy, unplowed two lane mountain road. HUGE flakes of some blow into the windshield making it especially hazardous. No other cars in sight.

INT. SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

RENEE, mid 20’s, prim black puffer jacket and knitted cap, no makeup is behind the wheel. MAXINE, 19, in the passenger seat, is dressed all pink – from her fur-trimmed jacket to her matching teased hair and eyeshadow. She glances over her shoulder.

RENEE

What are you looking for?

MAXINE

Nothing. I just wish we had stayed on the interstate. We’re all alone out here. What if something happens?

RENEE

Will you stop with the what ifs? I need to focus on the road not your bogeyman —

Out of the snow, a DOE jumps over the hood of the car and vanishes. Maxine SCREAMS.

RENEE

Calm down! We’re fine.

A second DEER, with a full set of antlers, appears in front of the car.

MAXINE

Look out!

Maxine jams on the brakes. The car goes into an uncontrolled skid. The deer smashes into the passenger door. SICKENING THUD! Maxine and the doomed deer are eye to eye for a split second. The deer disappears beneath the car. THUMP! BANG!

Car skids dangerously close to the edge of the mountain — Pine trees and the merest glimpse of a huge drop-off.

Maxine steers wilding.

The car stops on to the far side of the road.

The women are stunned, afraid to move.

MAXINE

We almost died! This was a terrible idea.

RENEE

Will you stop? We’re alive, thanks to me.

MAXINE

You mean, no thanks to you. If you hadn’t taken this road we wouldn’t be here. Oh, let’s just call the rental car company to send roadside assistance out.

RENEE

And risk him finding out? Besides, that could take hours. Let’s stick with the plan.

Renee gets out of the car.

MAXINE

Look out for wolves.

Renee ignores her. She takes in the dented passenger door and bent fender. She squats to see the front right tire is flat.

RENEE

Hey! Pop the trunk and get the spare.

Maxine reluctantly leaves the protection of the car. She opens the trunk.

MAXINE

Seriously? You’re going to try to change the tire? That’s what men are for. We need to wait for help.

RENEE

I don’t like getting dirty any more than you do. But we can’t wait. It’ll be dark soon.

MAXINE

Even more reason to wait in the car. It’s freezing out here and that can’t be good for the baby.

RENEE

Hand me that jack!

Maxine reluctantly does what she’s told.

The jack slips, pinching her Renee’s hand. She creams in pain. Forces herself to try again.

MAXINE

We’re going to die out here. I should have never let you talk me into running away.

RENEE

Roll the spare to me! Do I need to remind you that you said you wanted to come? That you didn’t want to wind up like me? Forced into an abortion?

MAXINE

What? No. I said I never wanted to be a mother. Not after growing up in a dozen foster homes. No child should have to go through what I went through. I just didn’t want you to be on your own.

RENEE

Okay. Whatever. I’m glad you’re here. Now let’s get this fixed so we can get out of here before — what’s that?

Down the cliff, HEADLIGHTS on the road.

MAXINE

A car. Finally! I’ll flag them down.

RENEE

Don’t you dare. I’ve got this.

MAXINE

Are you sure about that?

A CADILLAC pulls into view. Parks behind them.

Renee gasps.

RENEE

Oh no, oh no.

She dashes to the car, fumbles around, trying to get her handgun.

A burly bearded man, PIERRE, 40’s, in a parka gets out of the Cadillac.

RENEE backs away in terror – emptyhanded.

RENEE

How’d you find us?

Pierre glances at Maxine. Maxine holds Renee’s handgun.

PIERRE

Cell phone tracker.

RENEE

(to Maxine)

You were never on my side!

PIERRE

Hey, it’s his kid, too. He needed to know.

Renee runs to the side of the cliff.

RENEE

I’m not going back.

PIERRE

You wouldn’t.

RENEE

Don’t come any closer. Don’t take another step!

Pierre takes another step toward Renee.

She looks down at the snow swirling around the trees — and the blackness below…

[Tim Adeney]

Hi Mary (or is it Laurie?)… sorry if I got this wrong.

What a great contrast in the opening description. And that is maintained. Two different characters for sure.

Renee is determined, and unpredictable in the end. Maybe not devious, except before this scene. Maybe a little manipulative, which could be deviousness. Perhaps her being outgoing is seen in her actions which I’ve interpreted as determined.

Maxine is tricky, snobbish and some of emotion wounds and paranoid. I think her character traits are all there.

Yes, the weather and lonely road is a hook. There’s surprise, a few dilemmas, the unseen pursuer, predictions, anticipatory dialogue, uncomfortable moments, and a cliffhanger.

I think you could have created more of a future in Renees dream to be free.

That’s an impressive scene, getting all that In there. Well done.

[Audrey Gomes]

Hi Mary… A really good scene. I felt the cold and isolation and also the strong determination of Renee to be free. Outgoing and not afraid to take risks, and devious to have plotted the ‘get away.’

The twist of Maxine’s betrayal/tricky trait was a surprise. Maxine’s paranoia/snobbish are perhaps combined, and she’s clearly wounded by her past. Maxine seemed like the prissy character, and not Renee (small detail in the grand scheme). The characters are well-drawn, and I enjoyed the scene. I hope this helps.

[Tim Adeney]

LOGLINE: Two teenagers tussle over a crush as they do homework.

ESSENCE: Renee exposes her true feelings.

TRAIT
YOU CHANGED: Renee: Prissy to <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ambitious.

INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

NATHAN [14], a teenager trying to be cool, pretends to concentrate on his laptop, but his eyes are on two girls across the room.

MAXINE, an elegant young woman [13] with trendy earrings, necklace and rings on her fingers, sits at distant work table with her laptop open. Alongside her, also on her laptop, is RENEE [13], minimal jewelry, but neatly presented.

Maxine’s eyes flick from laptop to Nathan and back to the laptop.

MAXINE

(through her teeth)

He’s looking again.

RENEE

‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – how’s that for an opening quote?

MAXINE

Do you think he knows?

RENEE

Have you told anyone else?

MAXINE

No. Only you.

RENEE

Then he can’t know, can he?

MAXINE

He keeps looking at me in a funny way.

Renee looks from her research to Nathan.

RENEE

I’ll ask him for you.

MAXINE

What?

RENEE

I’ll just ask why he keeps looking at you.

MAXINE

(unsure)

Oh, no, I don’t know, Renee, that could…

RENEE

You think he knows something, right?

MAXINE

I guess.

RENEE

So, if you want to find something out, you ask.

MAXINE

Asking would be so un-cool.

RENEE

Okay then.

(goes back to her work)

What do you think of the quote as an opening for the speech?

MAXINE

Good.

RENEE

Because I really want to get the top mark for this.

MAXINE

Maybe I should send him an anonymous card or something, to see how he reacts.

RENEE

Maybe… have you decided on a topic yet? This speech is due by Thursday.

MAXINE

I’m still thinking about it.

RENEE

Thinking about Nathan more like it. How you and he are going to make out… oh Nathan, oh…

MAXINE

Ssh!

RENEE

No-one’s listening. Why don’t you speak about drug addiction or homelessness?

MAXINE

Urgh. No thanks.

RENEE

I know. ‘Teenage love’.

On Maxine’s look.

RENEE

If you pick something the teacher cares about you get a better mark.

MAXINE

I want to figure out how best to test him before I let on that I like him.

RENEE

‘Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it’. Hmmm.

Maxine types on her laptop. She glances to make sure Renee is not looking.

MAXINE

Do you think someone overheard us in the bathroom and told him?

RENEE

Why are you so paranoid?

MAXINE

I just don’t want what happened last time.

RENEE

Last time what?

MAXINE

When the whole school was talking about my crush.

Renee hides a smile.

RENEE

What about this quote: ‘a lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes’. Mark Twain.

MAXINE

And never the twain shall meet.

RENEE

Huh?

MAXINE

It’s a play on words… you know… twain… never mind.

RENEE

You know what, I just need to tell you.

MAXINE

What?

RENEE

Jack told Megan, and she told me.

MAXINE

What!?

RENEE

About Nathan.

MAXINE

So tell me already.

RENEE

You sure you want to know?

MAXINE

Oh my days, are you going to tell me or not?

RENEE

She said he doesn’t like you; he likes me.

Maxine stares at her.

MAXINE

Why would he even say that if he doesn’t know I like him?

RENEE

Maybe I will start with the first quote…

MAXINE

You did tell!

RENEE

‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’.

NATHAN

Hi Maxine. Renee.

The girls turn in surprise.

NATHAN

I thought I should say that you’re a nice person and all, but I’m not into you, so…

RENEE

Me?

NATHAN

I’m sorry.

RENEE

No, you’re talking to the wrong person.

Nathan and Maxine exchange a look.

MAXINE

It’s okay, Renee. Nathan’s obviously seen through your stories.

RENEE

Oh no you don’t…

NATHAN

Thanks for the email, Max. See you around.

MAXINE

See ya.

Maxine focuses on her laptop screen.

Renee’s eyes are daggers.

RENEE

So, girlfriend, we’re even now. But the war just started.

[Audrey Gomes]

Hi Andrew… This totally felt like teenagers vying for position. It’s cleanly written. And I think you’ve hit all the elements. The use of technology is perfect and an efficient way of moving the story forward. Renee’s traits: ambition, devious, outgoing traits are all there, and perhaps the conforming trait expressed in the dialogue is about pleasing the teacher (might’ve been interesting to hear what she chose as a subject…a small detail.)

Maxine’s traits: emotionally wounded, tricky, and paranoia are all there (not sure about her being a snob… small detail.) I loved the twist in the end. Very well written. I enjoyed the read!

[Audrey Gomes]

LESSON 19B EXCHANGE CRITIQUES

Audrey

LOGLINE: The person closest to you can do the most damage undermining you.

Essence: A one night affair can come with a price.

The trait I changed was Renee’s from Conformist to Nonconformist.

INT: NEW YORK CITY HIGHRISE – DAY

Glass encased corner Conference Room lets in expansive views of the city on one side, and on the other side of the room, through the glass wall, we see rows of works stations. EVERYONE’S busy.

IN CONFERENCE ROOM

Four FOLDERS neatly on the conference table. MAXINE, 50’s, efficient looking, shoves a folder across the table to RENEE, 30’s and chic. They are mother and daughter. Maxine PRESSES the INTERCOM on Conference table, it’s stuck. Fiddles with it.. Then, speaks into it. RECEPTIONIST visible through the glass, looks up.

MAXINE

(to receptionist)

Let me know when the Puvis’ are in the building.

MAXINE

(to Renee)

And don’t call me Mom in front of clients. It makes me sound weak!

Renee opens the folder, flipping through the pages, takes a hard look, and GASPS.

RENEE

Oh, shit!

MAXINE

What’s the matter?

Renee jumps out of her seat… Starts pacing..

RENEE

I can’t do this. I can’t be at this meeting!

MAXINE

What’re you talking about? We’ve studied this company for months, been persistent in securing this meeting. And you’ve created a great design plan. We’re prepared.

Now, I know you’re nervous…

RENEE

No! This is bad, really bad.

MAXINE

What are you talking about?

RENEE

Okay! You know how I told you I met this person and we hit it off?

MAXINE

Yeah…

RENEE

But I didn’t tell you it was the only time I’d been with a woman.

Maxine winces. This is way too much information. She waits…

RENEE

(pointing to the folder)

Well, that’s her!

MAXINE

Who?…

(beat)

What!… Puvis’ wife?

As Maxine digest the confession, she starts paces, thinking…

MAXINE

You had sex with the client’s wife! What the hell did I raise?

RENEE

I know.. I know! Mom, I’m sorry.

Please don’t tell anyone.

MAXINE

I can’t think of a living soul I’d wanna share this news with…

Pacing thinking hard…

MAXINE

I’m not losing this deal because you got your tit stuck in a ringer.

(beat)

Look, this can’t be her first rodeo. Obviously, she flip flops.

Hey! Whatever makes your boat float. It might be uncomfortable for the both of you, but trust me, she won’t let on. And neither will you. I know it’s messy–

RENEE

–I can’t!

MAXINE

Yes, you can! You have to. I won’t stand for another disappointment from you.

Renee, almost in tears…

RENEE

Mom… you don’t understand!

(pointing to the folder)

He caught us.

MAXINE

He? Who?

(beat)

Her husband!! For cryin’ out loud!

(full of sarcasm)

I’ve been a permissive mother. Allowed you to make your own decisions. Be outgoing. Have your own friends. But you have a knack for the unscrupulous, most unethical and devious deportment… And you’re so prissy!

Renee almost starts to cry.

MAXINE

No… No… No! Don’t do that.

(beat)

Please tell me it was not at their home.

RENEE

It was at a hotel.

MAXINE

Do you think he’ll recognize you?

Renee weighs the question.

RENEE

I’m not sure!

MAXINE

Was it dark?

Renee nods yes.

MAXINE

Did you talk?

Renee nods no.

MAXINE

Well, what’d he say?

RENEE

Get out!

MAXINE

That would pretty much cover it.

(sighs)

Let’s see how this plays out. Just fake it!

Conference Room INTERCOM

RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)

Maxine, the Puvis’ are here.

Maxine PRESSES the INTERCOM

MAXINE

(to Receptionist)

Thank you!

Through the glass we see The PUVIS’ heading to the Conference Room.

MEANWHILE Maxine is in Renee’s face. INTERCOM is open…

MAXINE

If he says anything, act like it’s a case of mistaken identity. It wasn’t you, you weren’t there!

OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

EVERYONE slowly turns toward the Conference Room.

MAXINE

Next time ask a woman her name before you end up diddling a client’s wife.

Everyone’s heard it, including The PUVIS’ who stand frozen at the Conference Room door. Now, Renee and Maxine see The Puvis’.

The Receptionist, excuses herself pass The Puvis’, sheepishly unsticking the INTERCOM. And leaves.

[Hilton Garrett]

Audrey, what a terrific scene!

I’m immediately there. I can see and feel the anguish in Renee’s discovery. the dilemma she faces, Maxine’s paranoia, emotional wound and her snobbishness and trickery in trying to get Renee to cover up the incident.

I think I saw Renee’s traits too, but what stands out to me is the extensive use of interest techniques. And whatever you may have omitted is to me irrelevant because you wrote such a compelling scene. If that were to be an opening scene in a full-length script I would most definitely keep reading. You hooked the inquiring minds. Good job!

[Tim Adeney]

Hi Audrey,

Great setup and twist at the end! SOOO uncomfortable, and a cliffhanger because there’s clearly going to be fallout.

You have a hook, a surprise, anticipatory language, predictions, another twist… that line, ‘It might be uncomfortable for you both’ really sets us up for what we THINK is going to be the uncomfortable moment – I was looking forward to seeing how that played out: creating a future – and then you topped it with a much more uncomfortable moment. Total cringe!

They both have a dilemma, there’s a mystery in the beginning… it’s all in there plus a few from the last list. WOW!

Traits… Renee has been devious, outgoing and nonconformist; in this scene she’s mostly prissy I think, about what has happened. I read her as quite emotional – somewhat paranoidish – rather than devious in her reactions to seeing her lover’s photo. Maybe if her first reaction had been to laugh along with ‘oh shit’ – making her more outgoing in her initial reaction to the surprise she’s faced with, then perhaps some attempts as deviousness, like ‘maybe I don’t need to be here’ before she tells her mother the truth. Her mother tells her what her traits are, but I didn’t really see all of them coming through strongly.

Maxine… tricky, snobbish -yes. She coped pretty well with the situation, figuring a way to make it work. Her talk of how Renee has repeatedly hurt her speaks of some emotional wounding, but she was sensible in the way she worked through that disappointment, rather than showing the wounding. Could she have panicked more on initially hearing the news, burst into tears herself before getting a grip?

Anyway, some thoughts on traits perhaps. But the scene is a winner! Top job 🙂

[Shelley darling]

Audrey-

A hilarious and compelling scene with a visceral sense of discomfort!

Great cliffhanger, anticipated dialogue, and effective hooks. You could possibly draw out the mystery further by Renee not revealing her issue so soon.

Renee’s character change from conformist to non-conformist was well presented. Holding off her confession or lying about what she did could have also demonstrated her devious trait. Her prissiness might be strengthened by showing greater discomfort at playing up her choice to be with a woman.

Fantastic scene!

Shelley

[Hilton Garrett]

LOGLINE: Pretense and treachery in the C Suite

ESSENCE: Maxine outsmarts her younger rival

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee, from Prissy to Controlling

————–BEGIN SCENE———–

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A small group of strategic planners meets to discuss a potential new corporate client. Among the group are two women, rivals, each determined to head up the project.

Maxine Templeton, still looks good but she is forty and afraid of aging. Renee Duvay, 30’s, likes to have fun, but in contrast, is covertly manipulative. As the group gathers Renee and Maxine talk quietly between themselves.

RENEE

This ought to be a fun meeting. For a change. You should take your mask off.

MAXINE

I’m afraid I might catch something.

RENEE

(smiles broadly)

You’ll never catch me!

MAXINE

You think I can’t fight for this?

RENEE

I know you used to be a fighter, but I also understand how a broken heart can cripple your ambition.

MAXINE

I’m getting over it. He was a cheater anyway. And on that note, how do you think it would go if corporate knew about your affair with the client CEO?

RENEE

How do you think we got this far with them?

MAXINE

So you seduced him to get the contract?

RENEE

And because he is so hot. But you promised not to tell. And I never should have told you.

MAXINE

Well, your secret is safe with me. I can just imagine what the little people would think though. If they knew. They can be so petty.

RENEE

I can control what they think. Besides I fit the image of our corporate culture, so who would even suspect? I’m just going to sit back and let things take their course.

MAXINE

When did you ever take your hands off the wheel?

RENEE

Sometimes you have to give that appearance.

MAXINE

I wouldn’t get overly confident if I were you. You never know what might happen.

RENEE

Unlike you, I can charm people into seeing it my way.

MAXINE

That’s harder to do when you don’t know the landscape.

RENEE

What landscape? Have you told somebody?

MAXINE

I didn’t have to. I think it kinda leaked out.

RENEE

Leaked out? So who knows?

MAXINE

I don’t know, I didn’t tell.

RENEE

Then how do you know they know?

MAXINE

I overheard John and Matt talking about it.

RENEE

So how did it get out?

MAXINE

Like I said, you never know what might happen.

———–End Scene————-

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi Hilton,

Character traits I spotted:

Renee: devious/lying, controlling, outgoing, but not especially conforming

Maxine: tricky, paranoid, but not snobbish or emotionally wounded even though she tells us she’s getting over the breakup – maybe because she comes across as even more devious than Renee.

Both women’s’ subtext is in their dialogue. Could there also be an action or character introduction that would indicate their subtext?

Interest techniques: I found prediction, anticipatory dialogue, and a mystery about what they were sparring over. I didn’t find the hook, a dilemma, something unseen, an uncomfortable moment, or a cliffhanger. In the last line Maxine says, “You never know what might happen” which I thought was a prediction but not a cliffhanger. Maybe if the CEO she slept with walks in with someone from HR which would create an uncomfortable moment and the HR person suggests they know what went on between them?

[Hilton Garrett]

Revised scene after critique and re-write:

LOGLINE: Pretense and treachery in the C Suite

ESSENCE: Maxine outsmarts her younger rival

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee, from Prissy to Controlling

————–BEGIN SCENE———–

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A small group of strategic planners meets to discuss the imminent signing of a potential new, and most likely highly lucrative, corporate client.

Among the group are two women, rivals, each determined to head up the project.

One of them, Maxine Templeton, still looks good but she recently turned forty and is afraid of aging. As defense, she plots to out-maneuver others within the company. Success conceals many wrinkles.

Renee Duvay, 30’s, cute, sexy, likes to have fun, but in contrast to her fun-loving ways, is devious and covertly manipulative.

As the group gathers, Renee and Maxine, already seated at the conference table, talk quietly between themselves.

RENEE

(sing-songy)

I think this is gonna be a big day! Something so big coming my way! Something big for Renee Duvay!

MAXINE

Maybe.

RENEE

This might be a fun meeting. For a change. You should take your mask off.

MAXINE

I’m afraid I might catch something.

RENEE

(smiles broadly)

You’ll never catch me!

MAXINE

You think I can’t fight for this?

RENEE

I know you used to be a fighter, but I also understand how a broken heart can sideline your ambition.

MAXINE

He was a cheater. And wounds heal. But on that note, how do you think it would go if corporate knew about your affair with the client CEO?

RENEE

They might be okay with it since that’s how we got this far with them.

MAXINE

I think they’d prefer we do it with superior service.

RENEE

Exactly!… But you promised not to tell.

MAXINE

You know I’d never do anything that could hurt you.

RENEE

I never should have told you.

MAXINE

Well, it does pose a certain dilemma for me.

RENEE

Dilemma?

MAXINE

Yeah, I mean, should I be allegiant to our corporate integrity, or to the promise I made to you?

RENEE

You did promise.

MAXINE

I did.

RENEE

So that takes precedence.

MAXINE

You can see my dilemma…. I can just imagine what the little people would think though. If they knew. They can be so petty.

RENEE

I’m pretty sure I can control what they think. Besides I conform perfectly to the image of our corporate culture, so who would even suspect?

MAXINE

Yeah, who would even think that Miss Conformity would step so far over the line?

RENEE

Exactly! Nobody! So I’m gonna sit back and let things take their course.

MAXINE

When did you ever take your hands off the wheel?

RENEE

Sometimes you have to give that appearance.

MAXINE

I wouldn’t get overly confident if I were you. You never know what might happen.

RENEE

Unlike you, I can charm people into seeing it my way.

MAXINE

That’s harder to do when you don’t know the landscape.

RENEE

What landscape? Have you told somebody?

MAXINE

I didn’t have to. I think it kinda leaked out.

RENEE

Leaked out? What does that mean?… So who knows?

MAXINE

I don’t know. I didn’t tell.

RENEE

Then how do you know they know?

MAXINE

I overheard John and Matt talking about it.

RENEE

So how did it get out?

The VP leading the meeting arranges her papers and clears her throat. The room looks toward her.

MAXINE

Let’s finish this later. Looks like the meeting is about to begin.

RENEE

How did it get out?

An assistant walks in and goes straight to the VP and hands her a note. The VP opens the note.

VP

(looks up from the note)

Renee Duvay, you been asked to accompany Miss Blanton here to see the head of HR on an urgent matter.

RENEE

Whaaat?

VP

I don’t know. That’s all the note says.

Renee slowly stands. She looks at Maxine with blood in her eyes. Maxine holds her gaze as she turns to leave.

———–End Scene————-

[Shelley darling]

Hello Hilton,

Your characters had a good setup and strong dialogue exchange. The subtext shown through the scene yet might encourage greater clarity in the plot points of the treachery. There could be greater development in the characters expressing their traits. I wasn’t clear on what each character wanted.

A great start to an interesting premise!

Shelley

[Shelley darling]

LOGLINE: Stranded miles from her car after a night of wild sex with MAX PALMER, the water bottling company’s grandson, MAXINE DARLING calls Renee to her rescue, knowing she will give her shit for it.

ESSENCE: Being true to yourself will stretch you to the limit,

TRAIT YOU CHANGED:
Changing Maxine’s tricky character trait to her being brutally honest.

INT. POLAND LAKE HOUSE – DAY

With Max gone, Maxine, lounging naked on the sun-filled porch bed, receives a text from Renee that she’s almost at the lake cabin. In a frantic attempt to get ready, bumbling through her makeup bag, she haphazardly applies her mascara in front of a beat up mirror. Distracted, reaching for a genealogy chart in a partially open drawer, she trips over the worn hooked rug, causing an antique vase to crash on the floor. To make matters worse, a text ping comes in from her worried mom.

MAXINE

(talking to herself)

Damn it Maxine.

There you go again, now what are you going to do?
Already Renee is going to give you shit, now this!
What’s Max going to think of you now?

Hearing a dog barking, Maxine quickly picks up the shards and places them in a paper bag, and hides the bag in her purse.

EXT. POLAND LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Renee drives slowly down the dirt road in her beat-up Subaru with worn-out shocks, comically bouncing along the deep ruts through the thick Maine forest. A Siberian Husky excitedly alternates between panting in her ear and barking loudly out of the back window.

At the weathered cabin, awed by the fall colors glistening on the lake, Maxine’s trying to comb out the knots in her hair as Renee pulls up and Togo jumps out the window.

MAXINE

(teary)

TOGO! Come here, boy.

Your mama REALLY needs a big kiss.

An exuberant Togo bounds up to Maxine, nearly knocking her down. Maxine recovers herself as Renee exuberantly gives her a hug. Maxine’s stunned by Renee’s glaring orange sweater.

MAXINE CON’T

(laughing)

Thank God, Renee! You saved us both!

I don’t know what I’d do without you.

RENEE

Yeah, no worries Darling, traffic was light.

Rescuing you seems to be a pattern these days.

MAXINE

Whoa-that’s quite a sweater-new?

Very unusual for you. You’re always dressed like you’re headed to church.

I thought you don’t do bright colors.

RENEE

(irritated-pulling at the sweater)

Get off it, Maxine. I deserve more than that insult, I just drove all the way with you’re howling dog. You know, there are other people to consider besides yourself. Not that you care, remember last week, how you dissed that poor girl…

MAXINE

Poor girl what. Did you see the emerald she was sporting and the bad attitude to match! Besides, I didn’t trust her.

RENEE

So… What’s really going on here?

You made it sound like you were in jail or stranded.

Now I find you holding up in a super cute place by sparkling water.

Leave it to your magic.

MAXINE

Well, I AM stranded. This guy he….

RENEE

(interrupting)

What guy?

This doesn’t sound like an emergency.

Don’t tell me, you slept with him, right?

MAXINE

You’re such a beautiful prude. Stop your judgment.

You wouldn’t believe it, his name is Max, a bit of a lost cowboy. Not only the synchronicity with his name, he happens to work for the water bottling corporation!

Walking down the wooded trail to the lake edge, a buoyant Togo charges into the water, sending spray flying. Togo’s antics break the tension momentarily.

RENEE

I KNEW IT! Only you …

Your adventures are always tied to sexual escapades!
MAXINE

At least I follow my heart.

You should try being a little more adventurous sometimes.
Max is a link to the mystery of the resort.
RENEE

Don’t change the subject. You’d follow any guy who pays you the slightest bit of attention. Moral standards, ha. Better work your shit out and deal with the issues with your father. Just sayin’.

MAXINE

I am, that’s what led me here, trying to figure out the thing with my dad.

Maybe, I shouldn’t have told you what I’ve been up to here.

RENEE

(rolls her eyes, shaking her head)

And your new cowboy? How’s he helping you to figure this out?

How will the woman who wants it all land the man if you keep running?

MAXINE CON’T

I know you’re thinking that I’m following my pussy. He could be a key to unearthing the prodigious fraud surrounding the water bottling company. (pointing to the sky) Hey…check out the hawk circling above.

RENEE

You’re deflecting.

I’m concerned about you, and so are your parents.

MAXINE

I am not deflecting. Now I get it, you told my parents.

RENEE

Your folks are worrying about you and this time they ARE right.

I just told them you’re okay and that I was coming to see you today.

What’s wrong with that?
MAXINE

You promised not to say anything.

They think they always know what’s best.

This time, I’m following MY dreams.

RENEE:

Maxine, you haven’t been the same since the accident.

They want to ensure you are all right, and let’s not forget about Annie.

Renee goes to give Maxine a hug, and Maxine shrugs her off, withdrawing, opening the screen door to walk into the cabin.

INT. POLAND LAKE HOUSE – DAY

MAXINE

I trusted you. You promised not to say anything.

RENEE

You know, your mom, doesn’t give up. I had to give in-she broke me.

Anyway, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.

Ever heard of Grandmother Sasa?

MAXINE

Now, who’s changing the subject?

No, I’ve never heard of her.

RENEE:

She’s an Abenaki grandmother who says she’s a healer of healers. She holds this Medicine Hoop of Life ceremony twice a year. Maxine, go see her, maybe she can help you. She’s a water keeper, and been guiding me.

MAXINE

You know how I feel about therapy.

Hey, wait til you see this!

RENEE

It’s not therapy.

Maxine walks over to the side table, and pulls out a piece of paper.

MAXINE

I found his genealogy inside the cabin that had the name Molly Ockett scribbled on top. (shows Renee her phone) See look…says she was the last Pequawket in this area, that means she was Abenaki.

RENEE

Ahh – I love it, caught you snooping, eh? But let’s get back on track. What about Annie?

Being autistic, separated from the family and already feeling the effects of your indulgences, she’s majorly acting out.

MAXINE

(fed up)

I’m done with this conversation, take me back to the resort to get my car.
RENEE

Seriously, Max, you need to see Grandmother Sasa. She works with dreams and besides, you’ll learn more about this Molly Ockett, woman.

MAXINE

(yelling)

Can’t you give it a rest, Ren? I’ll go in my time.

I bet you’ve already told her all about what you think are my issues.

Renee puts on a show of being hurt by the accusation.

RENEE

(facetiously)

I wouldn’t ever do that to you.

The confrontation is interrupted when Maxine phone dings-stops to respond to a text from Red Fox. She checks her text and smirks.

RENEE CON’T

(looking over Maxine’s shoulder)

What! You’re still talking to the Maori guy, too?

I thought you let go of him a long time ago!

MAXINE

(turning the phone over)

Renee… I’m done!

RENEE

Maxine, listen to me!

Your parents are right. At some point, you’re going to have to stop chasing the illusion of Prince Charming and deal with the reality of your life.

Max arrives unexpectedly.

RENEE

(staring out the window)

What’s happening here?

Whose truck is that?

MAXINE

Shit.

RENEE

WHAT THE FUCK, Maxine?

You didn’t tell me he was going to show up.

MAXINE

I had no idea.
RENEE

I don’t believe you for a second.

Maxine runs out, horrified, as Max jumps aside, Togo, barking, challenges his closeness to Maxine.

RENEE

(slams the screen door)

Togo, get in the car!

Damn, YOU!

I’m taking care of your dog while you’re supposed to be following your crazy dreams and a hidden treasure.
MAXINE

(Stunned, runs out after Renee. She’s caught standing between Renee and Max)

Renee, calm down!

RENEE

Fuck you, I’m going! Even I can only take so much.

Are you coming with me, Maxine?

MAX

(hands on hips, eyeballing them both)

Nice to meet you, too.

MAX (cont)

(lifts a six-pack)

Beer, anyone?

Max. stimulated by Maxine’s discomfort and Renee’s behavior, slides up behind Maxine, and grabs her waist.

RENEE

So what’s it going to be Maxine, this train is leaving NOW!

Caught in the middle of Renee’s demands and Max’s seductive, sexy grin, Maxine freezes. Will she have the courage to trust herself and act on her truth?

MAXINE

(looks past Max up to the sky, mumbles)

MAX

Speak up, woman. Your words do matter,

especially at this moment.

[Bill]

QE Cycle #4 Critique Rewrite

LOGLINE: Renee and Maxine are college roommates.

Essence: Trust is vitally important but may be easily broken.

Character Trait change: Maxine changed from paranoid to empathetic. This change occurs in the this scene.

Scene: Renee is in the dorm room primping her hair and Maxine comes in.

RENEE

Thanks for keeping my secret. No one must know until I figure things out.

MAXINE

Of course. You have a lot of things to sort out.

RENEE

I will likely drop out of school, but I don’t know when.

MAXINE

Do you know who the father is?

RENEE

That is a secret that I must keep to myself and especially from you.

MAXINE

I don’t know why. You got yourself into this situation. But it is not helpful to keep things from me. This indicates that you do not trust me.

RENEE

Just know that I must deal with this in my own way and in my own due time.

Maxine’s cell phone rings. It is Jack her boyfriend.

Maxine

Hello

JACK (V.O.)

Maxine, I want to talk to you before you got to your dorm.

MAXINE

Too late for that. I am already here.

JACK

Is your roommate there?

MAXINE

Yes, she is here, WHY?

JACK

Oh, no reason. I’ve got to go. Bye

MAXINE

Renee, do you know Jack?

RENEE

No, why would you ask?

MAXINE

It seems strange that he abruptly hung up knowing you were here,

Pause.

MAXINE

Something’s fishy going on.

RENEE

Oh, if you must know. He has come be a couple of times when you were not here.

MAXINE

This information hits Maxine hard. She pauses as though mulling things in her mind. Her eye squint and her pulse quickens in anger but she says nothing. Then she stands in front of a window and stares out. She takes long slow breaths, calming her racing heart. Finally, she turns to Renee.

MAXINE (cont.)

Renee, I apologize. I have not been sympathetic enough to you. This is a serious situation you are in. I want to be a better roommate.

This is a sudden character train change for Maxine.

MAXINE (cont.)

I respect the confidence you place in me. I have not nor will I divulge your secret. Now will I inquire further about the circumstances that brought it about.

Renee is touched by this. Her eyes well up in tears.

RENEE

(softly) Thank you.

MAXINE

Let’s think this through. What are your options?

RENEE

I don’t know.

MAXINE

Think about your school, a job, counseling…

RENEE

It’s all overwhelming.

MAXINE

Adoption is also on your list. But first, you need to tell your parents. Establish a support group. I am here to help.

END of SCENE