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Lesson 19: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 4
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R. Whitney Lesson 19
Logline: Renee attempts to help out her friend Maxine only to find out she was being used.
Essence: How two friend use their friendship against each other.
Change: Change Maxine from Wounded Emotions to Short Temper
Scene:
INT. RENEE’S APARTMENT – EVENING
RENEE – late 30’s – -wears lots of makeup – long brown hair – keeps her apartment spotless – wears nice clothes.
MAXINE – Late 30’s – short black hair – wears expensive clothes.
Renee sits in her perfect living room as she watches television. She hears a knock at her door and she gets up to see who it is.
She peeks through the peep hole in the door and sees it’s her good friend Maxine. She unlocks the door and greets her.
RENEE
Maxine. What brings up over… You look terrible.
MAXINE
Can I come in?
Renee motions for her to come in.
RENEE
Are you and Bill fighting again?
MAXINE
He’s being unreasonable like usual. Would it be possible for me to stay here for a couple days?
RENEE
Of course you can stay. Me casa su casa. Bill’s Gonna figure you came over here.
They sit down in the living room.
MAXINE
Could you not let him know I’m here. Cover for me?
RENEE
I guess so. You want to give him the ole silent treatment.
MAXINE
Something like that. Don’t let anyone know I’m here. I don’t want him to find me.
RENEE
You could use a stiff drink. Let me get you one.
Renee Leaves the room for the kitchen.
RENEE (O.S.)
Scotch alright?
MAXINE
That’ll be fine.
Maxine relaxes as she gains a little smile. She then thinks she hears Renee talk.
MAXINE
Did you say something?
RENEE (O.S.)
What’s that?
MAXINE
I said did you say something?
Renee returns with two scotch on the rocks.
She hands one to Maxine as she sits. She reaches under the table and presents coasters for their drinks.
RENEE
Tell me what happened this time.
MAXINE
(sips her drink)
You know how we go to the annual ball our country club holds each year.
Renee nods.
MAXINE
Bill decided we shouldn’t go this year. I told him all the in people were going to be there but he insisted we couldn’t afford to go this year.
RENEE
That’s silly. You go every year.
Maxine finishes her drink.
MAXINE
Things got out of control and and I slapped him. He then slapped me back and pushed me to the couch.
RENEE
You poor dear. That’s abuse.
Renee finishes her drink.
RENEE
Let me get you another.
Renee leave the room for the kitchen again.
RENEE (O.S.)
Keep talking. I can hear you.
MAXINE
I got scared and left right away. I came here because I can trust you to keep quiet about this.
There’s a pause.
MAXINE
Did you say something?
RENEE (O.S.)
Do you mind if I use the same ice. I seem to be out.
MAXINE
That’s fine.
RENEE (O.S.)
You don’t have to worry. I won’t breath a word.
Maxine smiles a bit more as she nods her head.
Renee comes back in to the living room and hands her the drink.
RENEE
Won’t Bill get worried?
MAXINE
Let the bastard worry.
RENEE
(sits)
He’s gonna know I’m covering for you.
The doorbell rings.
RENEE
Who could that be?
She gets up to answer.
MAXINE
You didn’t try to call or text Bill?
Renee opens the door and two policemen stand in view.
POLICEMAN 1
You called about a spousal abuse one Maxine Wassermann?
RENEE
That would be her over there.
MAXINE
You called the Police?
RENEE
Bill assaulted you. You need to tell these officers what he did.
POLICEMAN 1
We just got a call from 517 Casino Way about a possible homicide. Neighbors called us on what they thought was a domestic problem.
(to Maxine)
You are Maxine Wassermann of 517 Casino Way?
Maxine remains silent with no expression.
POLICEMAN 1
You’re husband is William Wassermann?
She remains silent.
POLICEMAN 1
When our patrolman investigated, they found your husband murdered in your home. He was discovered in the kitchen with a kitchen knife stuck in his back. Neighbors say they saw you leaving the premises shortly after the fighting stopped.
She remains quiet as Renee is in shock.
POLICEMAN 2
You’re friend called us just about that time and gave us your location.
Maxine stands up and throws her drink across the room. The police both move to her to gain control. She fights them a bit but relents as they over power her and put handcuffs on her.
MAXINE
(shouts at Renee)
You had to call the Police. You goody two shoes. You Miss gotta be right.
She glares back over at Renee as the policeman reads her Miranda Rights.
MAXINE
(still shouts)
I’m gonna get you for this. All of you.
The two policemen escort her out the door as she protests their grabs.
Renee closes the door as she stand in terror and disbelief.
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Hi Rick! Nice scene! I see all the traits and Maxine’s subtext. I’m wondering what Renee has to win.</div><div>
With that in mind I’d like to make a pitch: What if Renee was the killer and she set up Maxine to take the fall? Or, or, what if Bill isn’t dead and Renee sets up Maxine to take the abuse charge to get her out of the picture? She did hit Bill first.
Cheers,
-Karin
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Karin Armbrust. Reason: random
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
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Karin Armbrust Lesson 19
LOGLINE: A confrontation between two servers who know how the liquor board got involved with the restaurant.
ESSENSE: We’re all out for ourselves.
TRAIT CHANGED: Renee Conformist to Non-conformist
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INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
We’re in a swanky restaurant. RENEE, a 28 year old server, goes to the kitchen window to pick up some food. MAXINE, a 32 year old server joins her.
RON, the manager, comes in and claps his hands twice.
RON
I had a meeting with the liquor board today. We’ll talk about it after lunch. Carry on.
Renee and Maxine look at each other.
MAXINE
He knows, I know he knows.
RENEE
The only one who knows is me and I promised not to tell.
Maxine watches Ron return to his office. Renee takes her food, which looks so good you could photograph it. She smiles at BILL, the line cook.
RENEE (CONT’D)
This looks so wonderful! Thank you so much!
Maxine looks at her food, which shouldn’t be served.
MAXINE
(to Bill)
I can’t serve this! Can’t you do your job?
BILL
That’s all you’re getting.
RENEE
Bad food doesn’t hurt him, it hurts you! Why are you fighting with him?
MAXINE
He’s just a line cook. He should be happy he has a job. All the servers are in this fight. Why aren’t you?
RENEE
Because it doesn’t serve me in the long run. I’m here to work, not lose tips by ganging up on the kitchen staff.
Maxine takes the food and leaves in a huff.
RENEE (CONT’D)
Hey Bill! Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant? Darth Waiter. Ha Ha! Jokes4us.com!
Renee takes the food out to her customers.
RENEE (CONT’D)
If you need anything else, let me know. We want you to enjoy your time with us.
She sees a couple waiting at the host podium, doesn’t see the host and goes over to seat them. She steers them toward a table in her section.
COUPLE
We’d like to sit in a booth.
RENEE
Sure we can do that. Just to warn you, the vent is right above the booth and it can get cold.
The couple thinks a moment.
COUPLE
Okay.
They sit at Renee’s table. Maxine is watching and rushes up to her.
MAXINE
Hey, I saw that, not only is it my turn for a customer, they wanted to sit in my section!
RENEE
Relax, there are plenty of customers.
MAXINE
You have five tables now and I have three! And none of them are tippers!
RENEE
You don’t know that.
MAXINE
Please, look at those shoes! When Paula leaves next month, I’m moving to the night shift. Better people, better tips.
Maxine gestures to a table of people all wearing sneakers. One of them looks up and waves. Maxine sighs and goes over.
BILL
Order up!
Maxine goes to the kitchen window and sees Bill pushing her bad food again. She looks at the other food that’s beautiful.
BILL (CONT’D)
That’s not yours.
He turns away and Maxine snatches up the beautiful food and leaves. Renee comes in and looks at the food that’s left and gasps. Bill turns around.
BILL (CONT’D)
I told her…Maxine she…I’ll make it again.
Renee approaches Maxine.
RENEE
You took my food!
MAXINE
He’s doing it on purpose! He’s trying to get me fired. I bet he’s been talking about me!
RENEE
Stop riling up the kitchen!
BILL
Order up!
Renee and Maxine go to the kitchen. They see the differences in their food again and tussle over it. One of the plates dribbles over and Renee reaches for a paper down. There, next to the paper towels, is a note that says “I know what you did. You’re done.” Renee and Maxine look at each other.
MAXINE
I thought you didn’t tell on me.
RENEE
I didn’t. I swear!
Renee looks around nervously.
MAXINE
Because if you did, you’re going down with me.
RENEE
I did nothing!
MAXINE
You knew and you did nothing. You’re a part of it!
RENEE
I didn’t serve those under-aged kids! I was trying to give you a chance!
MAXINE
I doubt the liquor board will see it that way.
RENEE
I can’t believe you would do this.
MAXINE
You should have thought of that before you told on me. I won’t go down by myself again. You won’t get over on me!
Renee and Maxine print out the checks for their tables and deliver them to the tables. They take the credit cards, all the while staring at each other.
Ron, comes out of the office and goes to the closed side of the restaurant and waves them over.
Renee and Maxine join the rest of the staff, and brace…
FADE OUT
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William Whelan – Lesson #19 QE Cycle #4: Write the Scene – Draft 2
Logline – Maxine asks Renee to keep it a secret that she is dating someone in the office and that she has a child from a previous relationship. William Whelan — Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4: Write this scene. Draft #2
Essence – Maxine wishes to keep her relationships and child a secret.
Trait changed: Maxine from snobbish to secretive.
INT. COTTEE SHOP – DAY
Renee and Maxine are chatting over lunch.
MAXINE
I don’t want you to tell anyone in the office I’m dating him — you’re the only one that knows.
RENEE
Why would I tell anyone — it’s in the vault.
Renee makes a zipping motion across her lips with her fingers.
MAXINE
Well, you did date him for awhile and I thought….
RENEE
(interrupts with mock New York accent)
Fuggedaboutit! That’s long over — anyway he wasn’t my type.
MAXINE
Which is?
RENEE
Ambitious, upwardly mobile — wears a Rolex.
MAXINE
He is kind of country bumpkinish, but what can you expect — he’s from Mississippi.
RENEE
Tell me about it. That southern drawl was really starting to get on my nerves.
MAXINE
You’re right, it can be annoying at times. But I can deal with it — I want this relationship to work. And he is kind of hot, you have to admit that.
RENEE
I’ll give you that, but he can really be a stick in the mud sometimes. I wanted someone I could bring home to meet my parents who would fit into our fun loving life style.
MAXINE
Yes, you’re right — he’s not the country club type. And he’s so religious! I didn’t realize there were Catholics in Mississippi, I thought they were all Southern Baptists.
RENEE
Oy vey! And he can be sanctimonious at times!
MAXINE
I’m afraid if he finds out I had Josh out of wedlock it might be curtains for the relationship before it even gets started.
RENEE
You’ll have to tell him sometime — you don’t think the sooner the better? (sarcastic) Isn’t honesty the best policy.
MAXINE
I’m not sure — don’t forget what you don’t know won’t hurt you. If I wait till we know each other better he might overlook it, then again, he might feel I tricked him into a situation that wasn’t what he thought he was getting into. What would you do?
RENEE
He’s pretty good in the sack — why ruin a good thing if you don’t have to.
MAXINE
You’re right — he’s the best Catholic I ever had. Besides, I’m not sure I could deal with another failed relationship right now — I’m just getting over Josh’s father walking out on me.
RENEE
One thing about Spencer — he seems the loyal, trusting type, He’ll probably be willing to forgive and forget.
MAXINE
That’s the way I feel about him. I think I’m going to wait awhile before I tell him about Josh — work my feminine magic on him so he’s like putty in my hands.
RENEE
Sounds like a plan.
Maxine phone chimes for a text message.
MAXINE
It’s a message from Spencer.
Maxine’s face goes ashen as she views the message.
MAXINE
He sent a pic of me and Josh — the one I gave you. He wants to know who the little boy is. (pause) You sent him that pic didn’t you?
RENEE
Maybe.
MAXINE
Bitch!
RENEE
Really? Let’s face it he wasn’t your type either — you should thank me for keeping you from getting hurt again.
MAXINE
So you think you can pull this shit and get away with it? Huh?
RENEE
Right now it looks like advantage Renee.
MAXINE
Okay, game on.
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Hi William,
Fun scene. That Renee is a nasty bit of goods. LOL.
Okay, so I saw all the traits and subtext, except for conformist for Renee. She said some conformish things but sarcastically.
For the interest techiniques I saw: Dilemma, Predictions, Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue and Uncomfortable Moment.
Cheers,
-Karin
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For Karin
This is a good scene. The traits are a good match with the setting. I’ve worked in the food service’s during my college years so I had a connection with the characters.
It has a good hook, mystery, dilemma, and it gives us a cliffhanger at the end.
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Critigue for Karen Armbrust:
While reading your scene I could not get the TV show Alice out of my mind. LOL
Good hook , mystery, and cliffhanger. I clearly saw Renee’s non-conformist trait however it seemed to dominate the scens. I saw her outgoing trait in her custoner service but examples of her being prissy or devious were less clear. Maxine was clearly paranoid and emotionally wounded but her being tricky and snobbish were less clear.
Best, Will Whelan
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