Lesson 19: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 4

[Christi Falk]

Susan- Much much better! Love the tighening. Maxine seems stronger in this.

Also, very good addition of the 4 police officers. It escalates the violence but also shows they knew what they were coming for.

Just a note- you may want to change up the swear into something more graphic and shocking? A fascist is what a 12 year old would say. 15 year olds are more graphic with their swears. Or even something in another language? I had a friend growing up who firmly believed that if she swore in another language, it didn’t count. Lol.

PS- I didn’t mean to say that you don’t do anything all day but write. I’m sure you have a full day of things. I just mean that for me, I can’t wait not to do double shifts on a regular basis. I can’t wait to retire and when I do, I’m carving out atleast 2 days a week where nobody bugs me and I write nonstop!

[Susan]

For Christi,

I’m going to be very picky, so please forgive me.

What a fun idea making Max a cat. One time in your actions you called the cat Maxime and that is great. I know we’re not supposed to change the name, but Maxime fits so well! I also love the shadow watching from the window. We wonder what Renee is going to come home to… so it might be interesting if her house was not up to her expectations in all places due to Max. What if at some point she notices Max has chewed on her precious magazines. What would she do? I if leave out anything paper or plastic my cats chew on it, and/or rip it apart.

Bobby says Renee is home early, but then Renee says she thought she’d do some errands. If she was coming home from work doing errands would make her late. If it was the weekend why would Bobby have any idea what time she’d be home?

Facade in place comes in a bit late. It would make the scene easier to understand if it came at “Renee looks crestfallen,” e.g. Renee fakes crestfallen.

When Renee glances at the No Pets Allowed sign what is her reaction? Does it color her small talk with one of her traits?

When do the 3 enter the apartment building and get to the hall? There is no action for that. Do they check the mail? Are they all on the 1st floor? Do they have to take the elevator? What would happen if they do?

Some actions could be more direct and in present tense, so check all of them, e.g.:
“She smiles as she looks at Josie and touches her own well tailored shoulder as she looks to Josie’s frayed coat. “
to
Renee smiles. She primps her well-tailored coat eyeballing Josie’s frayed jacket.
and again… and also maybe break this up…
“Renee closes and locks the door, then slowly opens her coat and cat food is strapped to her waist. She slowly removes it and places it on the hall table as MAXIME, 7, Persian short hair feline, pops up from behind a chair then hides again.”
to
Renee locks the door. She carefully opens her coat. We see cat food strapped to her waist. (Maybe the strap is precarious, and she has to adjust the bulge either outside or while she is opening her door).

MAXIME, 7 YO Persian cat pops up from behind a chair then hides again.

Renee
There you are, sweetums!

Renee carefully removes the food quietly placing it on the hall table.

Renee
(Holding up a can)
Look what I have for you. Come on, Maxy boo, boo. I know you don’t like hiding.

Maxime presents her butt to Renee, tail held high.

and
“Maxine then scatters under the furniture as a small noise comes from the heater. ”
to
The heater fizzles. Maxime scatters under the couch.
or even something more severe like Maxime jumps in the air and runs under the couch.

You have Maxime as a him in your last action. Was that what you wanted? Also an emotionally wounded, paranoid kitty probably would not only, “bristled at being manhandled off the fridge.”

For the personality traits Renee comes off as mostly Prissy and Outgoing, and only a little devious and conformist. Also she might appear even more devious if the sign said ‘rule breakers will be evicted.’
It would also boost her subtext of devious believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

For Maxime I see paranoid, not so much emotionally wounded, and not really snobbish either. If she is now feline who plots to get what she wants, I’m not catching that subtext either. Maybe more interaction between Renee and Maxime to show their traits and subtext, and also to show more cat behaviors.

Aside from that picky stuff, great work and a really fun scene. I really enjoyed it. I love cats and so do so many others! 😍

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Christi Falk]

Hi Susan, thanks for the notes!

For fakes crestfallen, love it!

For forgetting Josie’s name, I was referencing an old band Josie and the pussycats. Which she was trying to hide so she’d purposely not say that name.

For Maxime- that was a hillarious mistake. There’s a restaurant down the street from where I grew up and it had the most amazing food- Maxime’s. I guess I just did that subconsciously.

You’re absolutely right, it should have been wrecked a bit but I was hoping to emphasize Maxine knew she had to hide.

I thought the Devious would have been obvious with hiding Maxine but I get it. Also, my conformist trait may have not been visible but the cat was the sam colour as the couch so the cat would blend in and not be visible.

Thanks for the amazing notes!

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

I don’t think I mentioned Renee forgetting Josie’s name, I did figure you used that name because of Josie and the Pussycats, but didn’t quite get that, that was why Renee didn’t want to say her name, maybe if she hummed the tune from the series whenever she saw her? A lot of the notes were about the way the action was written (NOT direct, and NOT in present tense, too meandering). I think of devious as underhanded and just hiding Maxime doesn’t quite get there (maybe she stole Maxime from an abuser). Maybe the board also received threats (that may be going way to far), but you see what I mean. And the conformist… I noticed the furniture thing and the colors, but it was only one thing. Hal wanted us to get the traits moving through the entire piece as much as possible. What else about Renee is conformist? To me conformist clashes badly with devious, which is why I got rid of it immediately! So how can Renee be devious and conformist at the same time? I made sure I didn’t have to deal with that one! Or you could change conformist to something else because Maxime being a cat is not really a personality trait and Hal never specified that the characters had to be people. What if Renee lost conformist and SHE added feline. Her interactions with the neighbors, the board, Max, and everything she touched (or rubbed with her face), and sniffed would be hysterical (the way she fixed her hair with the back of her hand) – sort of cat-womanish. Anyway I’m just throwing out ideas because I’m really not sure where you could go here. As I see it, you don’t have enough time in one small scene without any history to flesh out whatever issues caused/is causing Renee to be both devious and a conformist. Also you imply that Max is a rescue with the title of the scene (Forever Home) but we don’t see it anywhere else. Maybe she talks to Max about how she has a lot of room to roam around now because she’s not in a cage anymore. And, instead of the decorating magazines Renee has a large stack of flyers for an animal rights group that she secretly puts out, and/or we see her black attack outfit and mask hanging in the closet when she opens it to put her coat away, because she’s secretly part of a group that frees animals from drug testers, maybe someone from the drug/comestics company sits on the board of her apartment building, etc., and that’s when she stole Max! Maybe she just pretends to be conformist to hide her secret calling? That would be devious.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Did you ever get a response about using the things we wrote?

Thanks,

Susan

[Christi Falk]

Hi Susan, thanks for the reminder! I did email but I can’t find it in my sent mail. AI gremlins must have gotten it. I’ve just resent.

Basically, my argument is that parts one and two of the confidentiality agreement guarantee our copyright.

Eg-

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

[Michael Jones]

Susan —

Renee’s threats with the knife were both a surprise and a twist. Especially with her mowing down a competitor with her car to have a chance to win. The ordering was a nice touch. It highlights their traits by how much they order, what they order, and whether or not they change their mind. Suspense over whether Renee will just attack Maxine or not. She seems like she really wants to take her out to. Good hook about not telling the secret and jumping right into the reveal. I can learn a lot about doing that. A brief dilemma with the officers, the anticipatory dialogue with a future promise that Renee will pay Maxine back, and leaving us with a cliffhanger regarding the bikes. Seems Maxine was going down no matter what — accidentally of course. Hopefully, she competes better than she can than making friends.

Great scene, well-executed techniques.

Christi —

Wonderful set-up with the sign of “No Pets Allowed.” Really adds to the twist and suspense that Renee could get caught and lose Maxine. The suspense of getting by Josie and Bobby without getting caught for sneaking in pet food comes off much better in this version. Quick and fun. A nice twist with a light tension to having the by-laws changed and no longer having to live in constant dread of losing her cat.

Short and to the point. Excellent.

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your notes and encouragement. 😀

[Susan]

Hi Mike:

I am assuming you are continuing with MAXINE’s trait change from Paranoid to Sarcastic.
OK, well… very interesting although I had to read it about 4 times to figure out what was happening. It moves along very quickly with a lot of different things happening and a lot of switches. The guy being dead comes out of nowhere, and never shows up again. Good switch with making us think Maxine is going to commit suicide by Dragon because of what she did, but really just wants an apology. What genre is this? Is it comedy because only wanting an apology appears to be comedy, but if so I wouldn’t expect Maxine to be eaten by the Dragon… unless the entire piece was like Monty Python.

The characters seem to switch some of their traits back and forth. Both appear sarcastic at different times. You showed Renee as prissy and outgoing well, but I don’t really see conformist or devious for her at all. Maxine appears more devious and not just tricky (unless she’s a witch and has complete control over the Dragon and it didn’t really eat her in the end). I do not see emotionally wounded for Maxine at all, or snobbish… maybe if you described the dress and why Maxine likes it, but I thought maybe she was just being sarcastic there.

To me the scene would benefit from a bit more action description in order for the reader to know the intentions of the dialogue. I am sure you have it in your mind, but I don’t see it.
Again, great work having this scene move along swiftly and with high tension, and you did a lot of wonderful work on so many of the interest techniques, perhaps maybe a bit too much mystery in too many areas at once.

All in all an edge of the seat scene. Good work.

[Christi Falk]

Mike- excellent update! Great use of the first group of interest techniques- change the location to something more dramatic. Also, the use of something unseen was strong.

Loved Renee going spelunking in a dress!

You’ve really mastered the dialogue of these two. BRAVO!

I would just add that you don’t need to be afraid of silence- beats.

You Said you wouldn’t tell.

You Said he wouldn’t die.

That was a powerful exchange that could be minimized by a response so quickly.

All in all, amazing job!