Lesson 2

[Robert Smith]

WIM MODULE 9 LESSON 2

ROBERT SMITH’s WORDSMITHING.

ONE SENTENCE VISION FOR SUCCESS FROM THIS PROGRAM.

I am a great writer who delivers entertaining, informative, and uplifting scripts that sell and get produced.

WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS …?

Be vigilant in anti-verbosity and merciless in omitting it. Don’t get stuck on first words, they are probably not the best anyway, and after all, don’t you want your script to be read and produced?!

I am reviewing the entire script and could not complete the assignment in time, in other words, I am still doing it but very pleased with the way it’s going.

Here are two before and after changes of description and dialogue.

BEFORE:

9. INT. UPSCALE BARBER SHOP – DAY

Burly SALVATORE “SALLY CAT” CATANZARO lies on a barber chair, his face wrapped in a hot towel.

YOUNG TONY RIZZO enters. Aims his pistol at the back of Sally’s head and fires twice.

Sally’s head bursts, soaking the hot towel in blood.

Tony runs, exits.

11. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE BARBER SHOP – DAY

Young Tony dashes into a waiting Lincoln. motor running.

12. INT. LINCOLN – DAY

Lou is at the wheel.

Young Tony drops into the passenger seat.

LOU

How’d it go?

YOUNG TONY

Piece of cake. Cause of death: Serious Headache. Now, let’s get outta here.

Car speeds off.

AFTER:

9. INT. UPSCALE BARBER SHOP – DAY

Burly mob boss SALVATORE “SALLY CAT” CATANZARO reclines on a barber chair, his face wrapped in a hot towel.

YOUNG TONY RIZZO pushes the glass door open, steps inside and fires his pistol twice to the back of Sally’s head.

Sally’s head bursts. The hot towel turns blood-soaked.

Tony drops the gun, exits, flees.

11. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE BARBER SHOP – DAY

Young Tony dashes into a waiting Lincoln. engine running, door open. Young Tony dives in.

12. INT. LINCOLN – DAY

Young Tony lands in the passenger seat.

Lou Tasca is at the wheel, presses his foot to the pedal.

YOUNG TONY

Don Giordano must never know that I gave Sally Cat that serious headache. I just started a war with the Catanzeros.

LOU

Don’t get paranoid on me, Tony. Why would I tell anybody? I am your driver.

WORDSMITHING 2

BEFORE:

12. INT. CARLO VIZZINI’S MANHATTAN APARTMENT – NIGHT

The New York Skyline is visible through the large picture windows.

The occasion is CARLO’s thirtieth birthday party.

There is a large banner: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLO” above the door (which has a peep-hole). The door opens into the living room from the Apartment Building hallway. There is a light switch with dimmers next to the door.

There are two archways, one to the left of the frame to the kitchen and dining room and the other arch on the right to the bedrooms and other rooms. For convenience we’ll call them the Kitchen Arch and the other the Bedroom Arch.

The living room is well-furnished: Screen Left are: End tables with lamps that flank a sofa with two matching easy chairs that form a “C” shaped semicircle around a coffee table that separates the two easy chairs.

There may be other chairs with side tables as functionally convenient and desirable.

At U. S. R. there is another archway that leads to the dining room and kitchen, O.S.R. C. S. R. is a round pedestal table being used as a dessert table Around the table are four ladderback chairs pushed up against it. On the dessert table are five each of dessert plates, forks and spoons, coffee cups and saucers, and cloth napkins. There is a coffee urn, and empty space on the dessert table for the eventual placement of the Birthday Cake.

AFTER:

13. INT. CARLO VIZZINI’S MANHATTAN APARTMENT – NIGHT

A large banner: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLO.” above the door (which has a peep-hole). A light switch with dimmers is next to the door.

There are two archways, one to the left of the frame to the kitchen and dining room and on the right, an archway to the bedrooms and other rooms. For convenience we’ll call them the Kitchen Arch and the other the Bedroom Arch.

Screen Left: End tables with lamps that flank a sofa with two matching easy chairs that form a semicircle around a coffee table.

Center Screen Right: A round pedestal table (desert table) on which are: five each of dessert plates, forks and spoons, coffee mugs, cloth napkins, and one coffee urn, plus, an empty space for the eventual placement of the Birthday Cake.

WORDSMITHING #3

LINE EDITING:

BEFORE:

DON PRIMO (V.O.)

(recording.)

Tony Rizzo is a crazy one-man killing machine and he loves it. I can’t prove it but I believe it had to be Tony who whacked Sally Cat. That’s why I didn’t make Tony my Underboss. I should probably have Tony whacked before he whacks me like the way his hero Joey Gallo had Joe Colombo whacked.

Recording ends.

AFTER:

DON PRIMO (V.O.)

(recording.)

You want to know why I didn’t make Tony Rizzo my Underboss? I’ll tell you. Who has ever killed a Boss? Joey Gallo and Tony Rizzo who worships Gallo and I am convinced killed Sally Cat and I should probably take out a contract on Tony Rizzo before he does the same to me.

Not sure of how many more edits I’ll do in worsmithing.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Robert Smith. Reason: Completed the assignment witrh three wordsmithing examples from the script

[Jane Turville]

Jane’s Wordsmithing!

MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.

By doing this assignment I was able to take out quite a bit of action that when it came to it, was directing the actors. Lots of “She frowns” and “He mumbles.” I also discovered that I use “moves” quite a bit when someone is walking or running. Taking those out helped quest a bit. What did surprise me is that I didn’t have verbs that repeated a lot. I think the most was 13. But I was really glad to use this assignment to double check.

The most work done for this assignment was the removal of orphan/widow lines. I didn’t find any that I wasn’t able to get rid of by rewriting. It also gave me time to rework some of the action to make it more succinct.

Original Scene (bold font was orphan line)

June enters and observes the residents at breakfast. Everyone whispers about the theft. Everyone except Eloise. At her table she butters a piece of toast with a small smile on her lips.

New Version (no orphan line).

June enters and takes in the residents at breakfast. They whisper about the theft. Everyone except Eloise. At her table she butters a piece of toast, a smile on her lips.

Original Scene (bold font was widow line)

June moves past the inpatient Anne. When she’s in the room, Anne shuts the door. The lock clicks. June raises an eyebrow.

New Version (no widow line).

June moves past Anne. When she’s in the room, Anne shuts the door. The lock clicks. June raises an eyebrow.

[Jeff Chase]

Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Wordsmithing!

My vision: I am an “A” list writer who is known for high concept ideas, great execution, a string of successful movies and is always ready to share his knowledge and do what he can to help another writer on the way up.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: I worked very hard in previous drafts to remove repetitive verbs and nouns. But… I had a bunch of “looks” that I’d overlooked or hadn’t taken the time to find a better verb — 38 times to be exact. Way too many. I found better verbs and/or rewrote some dialogue and/or actions lines and got that number down to 19. I use very few parentheticals. I do have 4 exclamation marks, used for heightened emotional emphasis. No camera directions. Orphans and widows not allowed.

Title: Shards

Genre: Psychological Suspense Thriller

High Concept Logline: A young, pottery restoration expert with no memory of her childhood pieces together a dark past to discover her hypnotherapist’s ties to her father’s murder and a Conquistador treasure.

[Farrin Rosenthal]

Farrin Rosenthal Wordsmithing!

Farrin’s Vision: To do what it takes to become a highly paid A-List Hollywood writer whose produced movies will entertain audiences around the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is how to improve key words and eliminate distractions.

I really like these two steps: A. Take out or edit words like almost, just about, just, starts, we see,
is, are, ing’s, and unnecessary adverbs/adjectives. B. Do a search for
repetitive verbs and find more descriptive, interesting or emotional
words to replace them.

For this assignment, I tried to replace words I used over and over again in the script with more effective words that paint a clearer, more interesting, and emotional picture.

Get into the heads of your characters and make sure the reader feels what they are going through. This has to happen through dialogue, action, and description.

Cut to the chase and use as few words as possible, meaning use effective and powerful words.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Wordsmithing!

My Vision: I see myself quick to suggest viable alternatives with excellent meaning when improving material while working with managers and producers.

Doing this assignment, I confirmed Descriptions and Actions are minimal.

I ensured there are no camera or actor directions

I removed extraneous adverbs and adjectives.

I upgraded five verbs. Below are two I feel really good about:

· Carries – totes, transfers, palms

· Checked – inspected, investigated

I upgraded five nouns.

I used no parentheticals and didn’t overdo punctuation.

I allow no widows or orphans.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Andrew Kelm]

Andrew Kelm’s Wordsmithing!

Vision: I am going to do whatever it takes to be a great writer of TV and movies who is sought after by people I respect within the industry and has multiple successful TV series produced.

What I learned doing this assignment is… I was surprised to find so many “Justs” and “starts.”

FATEMONGERS; a psychic with a blind spot for abusive men uses subtle manipulations to murder a sexual predator who seduces her to get to her sons.

I removed a lot of “justs” and “starts.” I didn’t find many of the other things — that does make me feel a bit guilty and inadequate 🙂 but I am not going to spend time beating myself up over it.

[Eclipse Neilson]

Eclipse Neilson loves Wordsmithing

Vision: I want to be a great award-winning writer, known for my genre, who creates the most beautiful films that inspire others to feel deeply, pause, and ponder ways to make the world a better place as I make happy money to continue my career.

THE NUN AND THE WITCH genre: Mystical Sci-fi

A dedicated nun, bonds with her beloved soulmate – the village witch to help battle the evils of hatred consuming the heart of humanity, only to discover that time is running out and hell has permeated their village.

I love the detailed questioning of the value of the sentences both in dialogue and scene descriptions. I make sure details are relevant to the story and show up in other areas.

[Joseph McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is HOLY MOLY CANNOLI my writing must be (was?) boring! I had 541 edits (that is not a typo!) and that’s not counting anything less than 15 instances of repetition which I may not even get to as I am exhausted. A marathon of tedium from which I need a break., though I still have 90 instances of “ing,” (down from 226), to address.

Is the screenplay better? I hope so. I have to go back now and make sure the characters still sound like themselves, and that I haven’t sacrificed clarity for brevity or substitution.

Sorry, I’m just too tired to pick out 3 edits I like.

[Lori Lance]

Lori Lance’s Wordsmithing!

Vision: I want to be a professional screenwriter recognized by the industry as the go-to for family-friendly scripts and have multiple successful movies produced.

What I learned…I’ve done these types of searches before, but looking at the nouns and verbs from the first five pages helped a great deal with the search. Also, it’s not about just replacing words, but making sure they are more expressive.

I was shocked to find that I used the word like 96 times in my 96 page script. I had no idea. I see the benefit of replacing or eliminating many of them. The words like and really aren’t on Hal’s list, but I knew they were a problem for me. I made it through many of these, but there’s still work to do.

like – 96

really – 26

just about – 0

starts – 6 , begins – 13

enters – 5

is – 190

are – 83

ing – 90 in first 15 pages

almost – 6