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Lesson 2
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WIM2 Module 9 Lesson 2 – Elevate Key Words – Cut Distractions
Lisa Long Wordsmithing!
My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.
What I learned from this assignment is that when it comes to description, less is more. The script will read faster.
I Made 92 changes to the descriptions in my script.
Three I feel good about:
1. Removal of the word “just” 9 times.
2. Removal of the following description: <s>U2s song “One” plays over the opening sequence.</s>
3. Changes: Molly runs behind <s>following after</s> the car down the road.<s> </s>Teary-eyed April waves goodbye<s> with tears in her eyes.</s>
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Subject: Monica’s Wordsmithing
Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.
What I learned from doing this assignment is how many times I used certain words. Even after writing this script with a minimum of description there was so many over-usage of some words.
Tell us how many changes you made and give us three you feel really good about.
I changed, or in the process of changing the following words:
Looks – 55 – this is my number one word I want to change
Turns – 38
Room – 39
Nods – 33 – this is one of the words I want a better word
Gets – 26
Puts – 19
Chair – 16
Types – 15
Leaves – 8 – this is one of the words I want a better word
Is – 75 – most of them are in dialogue so I’ll have to re-write that.
I have portal and timeline and time stream – all describing the same thing – changed all that to timeline unless there really was a portal.
Working through the “ing” words.
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Erin Ziccarelli’s Wordsmithing!
Vision: I am creating profound scripts that leave audiences remembering my movies and leave me excited to keep writing and moving up in the industry.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: I had several vague/repetitive verbs that needed some elevating. The words, “look,” “turns,” and “goes” where my most-used…before completing the assignment.
6. Tell us how many changes you made and give us three you feel really good about.
I made at least 40 changes for this lesson. I reduced the amount of “-ing” words, elevated vague verbs, and cut a few parentheticals. I’ve been told that I overuse beats, so I wanted to make sure to use them in only the right situations…such as right before a dramatic reveal happens or when a character foreshadows.
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Lynn’s Wordsmithing!
VISION: I am determined to become a great screenwriter capable of getting my screenplays in various genres produced into movies that inspire vast audiences to mitigate climate change.
I LEARNED that I just 🙂 wasn’t able to get rid of all those KEY WORDS, but reduced them by more than half. I had 45 “justs” in dialogue, 7 in action and reduced them to 13 in dialogue, 2 in action.
I understand ACTION is better than mere DESCRIPTION, but I had to use “is” for a lot of my descriptions in cases in which rewording would have made it worse. However, many times getting rid of key words, including “is,” made the sentences better and stronger.
TIGHTENING re orphan lines and page reducing almost always makes for better writing.
Aside from tips mentioned in the lesson, I think there are words that shouldn’t be used more than once or twice in a script. I thought I had overused “cringe” but found only 5; I looked up synonyms and was able to replace 3 of them with different words. Also, it seems that mundane, unobtrusive words like “walk” can be used more times than flashier, more specific words like “ambles,” “strides,” or “pads.”
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I must have made 100 changes. Lost track of which were best.
Here are some from the first few scenes:
1. “Anime Club poster, an ANIME PIZZA SLICE GOING INTO A MOUTH.” To “Anime Club poster, an ANIME PIZZA SLICE IN A MOUTH.”
2. “Just then a strikingly handsome LATINO (GECKO, 22) — self-absorbed, somewhat mechanical with emotions-lacking Aspergers — comes from a distance in a HERD OF STUDENTS.” To “A handsome Latino, GECKO (22), self-absorbed, approaches from a distance in a HERD OF STUDENTS.” [the Aspergers arises later in dialogue, no need to include here].
3. “Layo pauses, looks at her suspiciously.” To “Layo eyes her.“
4. “The car speeds, recklessly passing other cars.” To “The car zips around other cars.“
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MODULE NINE LESSON TWO
FRAN’S WORDSMITHING
MY VISION: I want to write great movies. Movies that are magical, movies that move people and tell the truth. I want to write movies that stars will want to be in.
WHAT I LEARNED: Subtext, subtext, subtext. It makes this silent declaration of love scene work!
This is a continuation of Lesson One’s exercise. This is the same scene. I don’t think I have the before any longer. Just the after.
This is the scene following Charles’ visit to Albert and punching him in the face for hurting Frances.
EXT. ROBERT E. LEE, MAIN DECK – NIGHT
Alone, Charles stares out toward the horizon, barely able to see the black smoke from the Natchez’s chimneys curling upward in the distance.
Fog worsens.
Frances joins him.
CHARLES
Did you catch the sunset this evening?
FRANCES
I hardly paid any attention.
CHARLES
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one like it before. Such a rosy splendor for
Summer. Befitting a Sabboth. –You had supper with your father?
FRANCES
I couldn’t eat. The excitement of being in St. Louis tomorrow.
Frances draws closer.
FRANCES
I hope he was gentle with Albert.
CHARLES
He was.
Frances joins Charles at the railing.
CHARLES
Are you all right?
FRANCES
I’m fine. Now that I have my knight in shining armor back
on board.
Frances touches Charles’ arm. He takes a long moment to speak again.
CHARLES
You will never be seeing Mr. Eberman—ever again.
FRANCES
Yes, Charles.
CHARLES
Ever—again.
FRANCES
Of course.
Frances shivers noticing the air’s turned cold, damp. She rubs her arms for warmth.
FRANCES
The air seems strangely cold tonight for summer. Don’t you think?
CHARLES
I really hadn’t noticed.–Please. Forgive me.
Charles takes off his overcoat, wraps it around Frances’s shoulders.
CHARLES
There now. It must be the fog. –Settling in.—This should keep you warm.
FRANCES
Yes. It will.
(beat)
Charles.
CHARLES
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Marcus’ Wordsmithing!
Vision: Get this screenplay optioned.
I didn’t keep strict count, but there were dozens of places in my script where this exercise allowed me to tighten up the description lines. Especially widow and orphan lines. The other stuff is not so much of a problem for me, as I have good writing habits at this point.
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Joel Stern’s Wordsmithing!
WIM Module 9 Lesson 2
My Vision: To write eight screenplays that eventually become Hollywood blockbusters (and to get a speaking line in at lead one).
What I learned from this assignment: To find more descriptive words to describe an action and to eliminate the overuse of various punctuations.
Script: “Death Voice”. Thriller.
I use Final Draft 12 but couldn’t find a way to find repetitive verbs and nouns.
I went through my entire script, which takes time since it’s basically a rewrite.
I found look many more times than I wanted to. I replaced “looks” with two or three other words (glances, peeks over at), etc.
I did make many changes eliminating several exclamation points, ellipses and dashes as well as parentheticals. This lesson showed me the importance of setting up an actors actions through the circumstances of the scene itself and not “directing”. I found it to be a thin line between having words that show a character’s emotion and backing off a bit to let an actor do his/her own thing.
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Andrew Boyd Wordsmithing: Elevate key words, cut distractions
Vision: For Hitler’s Choirboys to be such a compelling screenplay that Spielberg and Gibson will battle it out to produce their most powerful WW2 drama since Hacksaw Ridge or Schindler’s List.
What I learned from doing this assignment:
I was surprised to find so many repetitions. There were 97 uses of ‘eyes’, 68 of ‘over, 44 each of ‘head’ and ‘get’, and 31 of ‘Look’ or ‘looks’
I made 57 changes, including eliminating one entire line that was repeated.
Here’s an example with ‘head’:
Before:
A woman HUSTLER heads his way. Seeing the meal ticket is black, she stops dead and hurries back.
After:
A woman HUSTLER zeroes in. Seeing the meal ticket is black, she stops dead and hurries back.
And here’s the line that was repeated:
The gun shakes in his outstretched hand, inches from Henry’s face. Henry looks beyond it and straight at Sam. [This last sentence was repeated a couple of paragraphs later.]
Sometimes there is no good alternative to the obvious word, in which case, it’s best left as it is.
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WIM2 – Dana’s Wordsmithing
My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.
What I learned from doing this assignment?
I didn’t realize how many repetitive words I used in this script. Combing through each line forced me to use my thesaurus and elevate my wordsmithing. I also tightened the script by eliminating useless adverbs and adjectives. I think it reads faster and better.
WORD COUNT NEW COUNT
Look(s) 60
Sit(s) 16
Eyes 20
Out 28
Crawl(s) 12
Watch 17
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Dave’s wordsmithing
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that I had more repeated words than I realized. Also that eliminating some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs makes the read quicker and more interesting.
They pass a sterile, four-story building that appears to contain rows of apartments. The “W” is written in red paint on its walls. Policemen are stationed around the building.
They pass a four-story building that contains apartments. “W” in red paint appears on its walls. Cops stand around the building.
A clock in the New York airport shows it is 7:30 in the morning. A sign on the wall reads, ‘Welcome to the State of Industry’. People in worn clothing sell snacks, magazines and tee shirts. The departing travelers are well-dressed.
A clock in the airport reads 7:30 a.m. A sign reads “Welcome to the State of Industry.” People sell snacks and other inexpensive items. The travelers wear fashionable clothes.
Nigel sits at a table with Roger, who is 25 and has broad shoulders and rugged features, including a crooked nose that was broken in the past. They drink pints of beer.
Roger drinks beer with Roger, 25, who is broad-shouldered and has a crooked nose that was broken once.
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