-
Lesson 2
Reply to post your assignment.
-
17 Replies
-
David Wickenden Basic Structure Version 1
LOGLINE: For Heaven’s Sake – FANTASY
Four troubled teens become heaven and earth’s last hope against an alien menace when they’re commanded to go on a holy crusade to steal a powerful weapon called The Staff of Moses.
Main Conflict: Four mortal boys must help fight back an alien horde and bring peace back to heaven.
1. Opening
Four troubled teens find themselves in a Juvenile boot camp for their crimes. Daniel is the leader and had been acting out because of the death of his grandfather. Freddy is a scrapper who burnt a fishing boat of a rival who stole fish from his father. Ian is a thief who was caught stealing food for his family, and they arrested Rob because he put the boots to his mom’s boyfriend after the man hit her.
The guards of the camp are very abusive, and the group makes a run for it. During the prison escape, they find themselves in an abandoned mining camp.2. Inciting Incident Pg. 13 – I need to bring this down a bit.
During the middle of the night, a whirling white globe appears, grabs all four and transports them to Heaven.
3. By page 10, you should know what the movie is about Pg 18 – I need to bring this down a lot.
It is here that they find they are part of a prophecy to halt an invasion of Heaven by an alien race from a parallel Heaven. First, they must enter the alien world to steal back the Staff of Moses, which the aliens have stolen.
4. First Turning point at the end of first Act.
Thus starts their great journey to the Riff, and they learn to lead and fight along the way.
5. Midpoint
They place the boys in one of four different warrior classes to learn the unique skills needed to enter the Riff, which will take them to the alien’s home world. Daniel learns the skills of a Gurkha soldier. They teach Freddy stick fighting from the Suri tribe. Ian learns stealth from the Ninja, while Rob learns to track and scout from the Comanche warriors. When they enter the enemy stronghold, they steal back the Staff, but the Queen kills Ian. Daniel uses the Queen’s egg to hold back the horde and make their escape.
6. Second turning Point
Back in their own Heaven, Daniel must learn to wield the Staff. He finds Ian has been reborn as a member of Heaven so cannot return to earth. Once he discovers the secrets of the Staff, Freddy and Ian disappear, plotting revenge on the Queen for having killed Ian. The group heads back over the mountains to head off the massive army of the Queen.
7. Crisis
During a river crossing, an alien squad ambushes them, and they capture Daniel, losing the Staff. They march the prisoners to the Queen’s army camp, where she tortures Daniel. Daniel is ready to give up, especially having lost the Staff. The Human army attacks the enemy camp, which causes a distraction for a small group to rescue Daniel. Daniel finds Rob had rescued the Staff.
8. Climax
Daniel uses the power of the staff to push back the alien army. In an ultimate showdown with the Queen, Daniel shows her she has no power over the Staff. As she retreats to the Riff, Freddy and Ian leap on her and kill her. They witness the entire alien army leave for their own home world, now that their Queen is dead.
9. Resolution
Still not satisfied that Ian cannot return home, Daniel uses the Staff one last time to restore all the lives lost to the time before the Riff appeared. Ian is reborn in his mortal body and the boys return to Earth only to meet God, who tells them they would need their newly learned skills later in their lives.
When presented through the Three Act Structure, I see that I must crop both the opening and the inciting incident so that the reader understands what the story is about much earlier.
Much of the opening is an introduction to the four main characters and their escape from the youth camp to the mine. It is here that the inciting event takes place. I will have to do a slash and burn exercise.
After restructuring:
Main Conflict: Four mortal boys must help fight back an alien horde and bring peace back to heaven.
1. Opening
Four troubled teens find themselves in a Juvenile boot camp for their crimes. The guards of the camp are very abusive, and the group makes a run for it. During the prison escape, they find themselves in an abandoned mining camp.
2. Inciting Incident
During the middle of the night, a whirling white globe appears, grabs all four boys and transports them to Heaven.
3. By page 10, you should know what the movie is about.
It is here that they find they are part of a prophecy to halt an invasion of Heaven by an alien race from a parallel Heaven. First, they must enter the alien world to steal back the Staff of Moses, which the aliens have stolen.
4. First Turning point at the end of first Act.
Thus starts their great journey to the Riff, and they learn to lead and fight along the way.
5. Midpoint
They place the boys in one of four different warrior classes to learn the unique skills needed to enter the Riff, which will take them to the alien’s home world. Daniel learns the skills of a Gurkha soldier. They teach Freddy stick fighting from the Suri tribe. Ian learns stealth from the Ninja, while Rob learns to track and scout from the Comanche warriors. When they enter the enemy stronghold, they steal back the Staff, but the Queen kills Ian. Daniel uses the Queen’s egg to hold back the horde and make their escape.
6. Second turning Point
Back in their own Heaven, Daniel must learn to wield the Staff. He finds Ian has been reborn as a member of Heaven so cannot return to earth. Once he discovers the secrets of the Staff, Freddy and Ian disappear, plotting revenge on the Queen for having killed Ian. The group heads back over the mountains to head off the massive army of the Queen.
7. Crisis
During a river crossing, an alien squad ambushes them, and they capture Daniel, losing the Staff. They march the prisoners to the Queen’s army camp, where she tortures Daniel. Daniel is ready to give up, especially having lost the Staff. The Human army attacks the enemy camp, which causes a distraction for a small group to rescue Daniel. Daniel finds Rob had rescued the Staff.
8. Climax
Daniel uses the power of the staff to push back the alien army. In an ultimate showdown with the Queen, Daniel shows her she has no power over the Staff. As she retreats to the Riff, Freddy and Ian leap on her and kill her. They witness the entire alien army leave for their own home world, now that their Queen is dead.
9. Resolution
Still not satisfied that Ian cannot return home, Daniel uses the Staff one last time to restore all the lives lost to the time before the Riff appeared. Ian is reborn in his mortal body and the boys return to Earth only to meet God, who tells them they would need their newly learned skills later in their lives.
-
“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that by isolating a trouble spot and brainstorming, you can have a serious “ah-ha!” moment that cant give more depth and take your story in a different direction.
Deb’s Basic Structure Version 1
Logline: A plastic bag gets passed from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.
Main conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life, she needs to learn that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.
Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.
Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the story and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of Cleo, Victoria’s quadriplegic granddaughter.
Mid-Point: Delia is confused and annoyed. She doesn’t like the story that sends the “bully” to the emergency room. Her phone addiction symptoms are worsening, and she seeks out the company of Cleo.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” Delia decides to steal Abby’s credit card and buy herself a new phone.
Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.
Climax: Delia admits that her pain comes from her loss of her father and the injustice of it and that she uses her phone as an escape. Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story… showing that they, too, have their own struggles in life, but have chosen to live joyfully despite them.
Resolution: Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.
Deb’s Basic Structure Version 2
Main Conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life, she needs to learn that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.
Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.
Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the first two stories and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of 19-year-old Victor, Victoria’s quadriplegic grandson, who is also an artist. Delia shies away from him. (Victoria then tells the story of “The Windshield”.)
Mid-Point: A special delivery arrives for Victoria; flowers, and chocolate. But when she reads the note, she laughs, and gives them to Delia to take back to Victor. It was his plot to get to talk to Delia more. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude. (Victoria then narrates the story of “The Game”)
Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” Delia decides to steal Abby’s credit card and buy herself a new phone.
Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.
Climax: After Victoria narrates the story of “The Donation,” Delia admits that her pain comes from her loss of her father and the injustice of it and that she uses her phone as an escape. After the story of “The Ending” Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story, and also Victor’s identity as that of the precocious boy… showing that they, too, have their own struggles in life, but have chosen to live joyfully despite them.
Resolution: Delia and Victor are now friends. Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.
-
I had another idea that came to me this morning that revises the climax and gives the story more depth. Here we go…
Deb’s Basic Structure Version 3
Main Conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life. She has no faith. She must learn what faith is and that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.
Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.
Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world, what it means to have faith, and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the first two stories and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of 19-year-old Victor, Victoria’s quadriplegic grandson, who is also an artist. Delia shies away from him. (Victoria then tells the story of “The Windshield”.)
Mid-Point: A special delivery arrives for Delia; flowers, and chocolate. Victor orchestrates this to get Delia to come back and talk to him. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude. (Victoria then narrates the story of “The Game”)
Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” and “The Donation” Delia is frustrated with the “happy endings.” Where is her happy ending? She then steals Abby’s credit card and buys herself a new phone.
Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.
Climax: Victoria narrates the story of “The Ending.” Delia sides with the “older sister” in this story who doesn’t “join the party.” Victoria tells her she hopes someday she will.
Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story and Victor’s identity as that of the precocious boy. The “twist” however, is that none of the stories are true to what really happened in life. As she reviews each story again, she explains the exact opposite and the tragedy of how each story truly resolved. Victoria admits that all her paintings are “unanswered prayers.” Delia wonders how they could possibly believe in Goodness in the face of evil. Victoria explains what Faith is – believing despite what you see. And, despite their struggles, they can choose to live joyfully and in Hope.
Resolution: Victor and Delia become friends but can’t exchange phone numbers because Delia doesn’t have a phone. Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.
-
Deb: Excellent growth from the first version to the last brainstorm version. As I read these, I was captured by the relevance of the story plot and characters. I just watched a film , Coda with Sir Patrick Stewart last night. Similar opportunities in your story for the kind of remarkable resolution as Sir Patrick Stewart’s. A child dealing with parental abandonment and the retreat into the silo of social media gives great conflict and how the pain of a child can scar a young teenager to the point of exacting pain on others. Really like that Delia and Victor become friends.
-
-
Emma Served Me The Finger – EROTIC THRILLER, COMEDY
Logline:
Emma Served Me the Finger is an erotic thriller comedy about a naively optimistic boyfriend who sneaks into his girlfriends home to set up a surprise until he he discovers a skeleton in her closet which not only threatens their evening but also their relationship entirely.
Main Conflict: Joe tries to escape from his surprise dinner while Emma tries to keep Joe close to see if she needs to kill him for discovering her dirty little secret.
1. Opening
Joe waits and reflects on his relationship with Emma before she leaves for a concert. After she leaves, he sneaks into her house and sets up a romantic decorations and a surprise dinner. He accidentally catches a curtain on fire and puts it out after he learns that Emma is returning home. <div>
<div>
2. Inciting Incident Pg. 20 :
Joe tells one of Emma’s neighbors that he’s going to have a surprise, anniversary party for his girlfriend Emma.
3. By page 10, you should know what the movie is about:
Joe has prepared a romantic surprise for his girlfriend. It’s implied that when she gets home, they’ll enjoy their romantic dinner and then have sex.
4. First Turning point at the end of first Act.
Joe brings a fully cooked turkey to Emma’s bedroom to put in her closet as a nice surprise. After almost dropping the turkey, a dead corpse falls out of her closet.
5. Midpoint
After returning home and falling for Joe’s surprise, Emma goes in for a hug and smells the dead corpse on Joe’s jacket. Seeing Joe trying to escape, Emma seduces, teases and torments Joe in an attempt to crack him to see if he knows about the corpse in her closet and threatens to turn Joe into the next one if he indicates he does.
6. Second Turning point at the end of second Act.
After discovering Joe knows her secret, Emma knocks Joe out and ties him to her bed. Then she teases and taunts him, getting sexually excited at his fear before dismembering him.
7. Crisis
Joe wakes up, realizing that everything he experienced was a dream. He enters into Emma’s home and sees the sight of her eating his now dead corpse. As she teases him with sex, a mountain of bananas fall from the ceiling.
8. Climax
Joe wakes up in Emma’s bedroom, again. Joe goes into the house and sees Emma cooking a meal. Emma ask about his dreams, saying that he was talking to himself a lot. Emma gives Joe a kiss and then remarks that he smells bad. Joe showers and then has dinner with Emma as he tells about everything that he dreamed.
9. Resolution
As Joe and Emma tease Joe about his dream, Joe goes in to take a bite of a sausage. He notices something sticking out of it. As Joe examines it, he realizes that the “sausage” is actually the finger of the corpse he found before. As Joe screams at the thought, Emma laughs at him as she chews on her own sausage.
</div></div>
-
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that it can sometimes be difficult to discern whether you’re actually improving your script, rather than simply making changes for the sake of change.
Logline for Jack of Diamonds: A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home is forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
Main Conflict: It’s within Jack. He learns through the adventure he’s about to go through that he can’t get any of what he wants by going it alone. As his friend Wilf tells him at the start, the world’s a shitty place if you don’t have friends.
Opening: Jack gets dragged away from watching old videos of himself on YouTube by Blanche, his love interest. It’s time to see their friend Wilf off as he moves out of their retirement home, Transitions, and into Departure Point, a gloomy government facility.
Inciting incident: When they get home from dropping off Wilf, Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora see their financial advisor, Robin Connor, being led into court in handcuffs on the evening news. He’s swindled them all out of their life savings.
By page 10, you know: They’ve got to find some way to get their money back before they’re all thrown out of their home at the end of the month.
First turning point: Jack, Blanche, Gertie and Flora discover that Connor has been delivered into their hands at Transitions. Their first thought is to kill him, but Jack strikes a deal with Connor to set him free in exchange for half of his diamond stash.
Mid-point: Someone tries to shoot Connor in his bed. Suddenly, the place is crawling with cops. In the midst of this, Jack gets called to the front desk to receive a delivery. The stones have arrived.
Second turning point: In an attempt to keep the diamonds hidden from Nurse Harper, Jack stirs them into a bowl of pudding which she promptly feeds to the “catatonic” Connor. The inevitable effort to retrieve them ensues.
Crisis: Connor learns that his court case has been thrown out. He’s a free man! The diamonds are recovered, and they’re just about to divvy them up and send Connor on his merry way when the stones suddenly vanish.
Climax: Jack goes off the deep end, hurling abuse at the others for the loss. Flora collapses under the strain and is taken to the hospital. Jack realizes that in his efforts to recoup what he’s lost, he’s only succeeded in alienating everyone around him – including his two kids, who have been trying to reconcile with him. He resolves to start mending fences.
Resolution: Connor absconds with what he thinks are the diamonds, taking a gleeful Nurse Harper with him. Meanwhile, the real stones are discovered in Flora’s possession. The friends are rich! Jack reconciles with his kids, and Wilf comes back home to Transitions.
My original intent was to bookend the story with the two commercials–the old one that Jack’s watching at the beginning, contrasted with the present-day version he’s filming with his friends at the end. However, it occurred to me that the opening might have more oomph if the viewer learned about the group’s financial troubles before they did. To wit:
Opening: TV news footage of Robin Connor, wunderkind financial advisor, being perp-walked into court in handcuffs. He’s accused of bilking hundreds of his clients through a Ponzi scheme. Meanwhile, at Transitions, Jack’s watching his old commercials on YouTube.
Inciting incident: After Jack and his friends get home from dropping off their friend Wilf, (who has been forced to move out because he’s outlived his pension) at Departure Point, the gloomy government facility he’s been forced to move into, Jack’s friend Gertie checks her phone and sees the news about Connor.
By page 10, you know: that they’ve got to find some way to get their money back before they’re all thrown out of their home at the end of the month.
First turning point: Jack, Blanche, Gertie and Flora discover that Connor has been delivered into their hands at Transitions. Their first thought is to kill him, but Jack strikes a deal with Connor to set him free in exchange for half of his diamond stash.
Mid-point: Someone tries to shoot Connor in his bed. Suddenly, the place is crawling with cops. In the midst of this, Jack gets called to the front desk to receive a delivery. The stones have arrived.
Second turning point: In an attempt to keep the diamonds hidden from Nurse Harper, Jack stirs them into a bowl of pudding which she promptly feeds to the “catatonic” Connor. The inevitable effort to retrieve them ensues.
Crisis: Connor learns that his court case has been thrown out. He’s a free man! The diamonds are recovered, and they’re just about to divvy them up and send Connor on his merry way when the stones suddenly vanish.
Climax: Jack goes off the deep end, hurling abuse at the others for the loss. Flora collapses under the strain and is taken to the hospital. Jack realizes that in his efforts to recoup what he’s lost, he’s only succeeded in alienating everyone around him – including his two kids, who have been trying to reconcile with him. He resolves to start mending fences.
Resolution: Connor absconds with what he thinks are the diamonds, taking a gleeful Nurse Harper with him. Meanwhile, the real stones are discovered in Flora’s possession. The friends are rich! Jack reconciles with his kids, and Wilf comes back home to Transitions.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Douglas E. Hughes.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
-
Day 2 –Review Structure and Bust Cliches
Lisa Long’s Basic Structure Version 1
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that there are endless possibilities for improving the story structure. Mixing it up in this way can lead to exciting changes.
Title: Chesapeake Girl
Logline: 12-year-old Molly must figure out how to survive living with a man she doesn’t know when her mother abandons her at his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
Genre: Drama
STRUCTURE VERSION ONE:
Main Conflict: Molly wants to dance, but Edgar says no dancing, just school and working in the restaurant. Edgar was abandoned by Molly’s mom, April, who was a gypsy dancer and so he wants no part of dance. Now Molly has been abandoned by April too. Will Molly dance again? Will Edgar and Molly work out their differences? Will they ever forgive April?
Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a man she doesn’t know.
PAGE 10 and Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dance lessons. Instead, Edgar makes Molly go to school and then work wiping tables and serving crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.
First turning point at end of Act 1 – Molly meets Mars, a renowned choreographer, on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his mother; or so he tells Molly. He has given up choreography for the time being because he is burned out and grieving.
Mid-Point – After much pestering, Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in The Nutcracker in NY. Every evening after Edgar and Jane, the elderly cook, go to bed Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition. But how can she go when Edgar doesn’t even know she’s dancing?
Second turning point at end of Act 2 – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dancing, and he forbids her again. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm. Jane tells Molly why Edgar refuses to let her dance…because he was in love with a dancer who broke his heart when she left him to pursue her dancing dreams.
Crisis: It’s time to go to NYC. Molly convinces Mars to contact April for permission to go to NYC instead of bothering Edgar. And she lies by saying that Edgar had a change of heart anyway after he saved her from the storm. Mars drives Molly to NYC for the show.
Climax – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater as the curtain goes up on the ballet. Edgar cries as he sees Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 12. Edgar decides to go home. As he leaves the theater, he sees April, Molly’s mom.
Resolution –April shows up at Jane’s funeral. April reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. Molly is angry and runs off. April asks Edgar if she can come home. Edgar and Molly have a heart to heart to decide if they can let April back into their lives. They express their love for each other for the first time. April returns. Edgar and April fix up a large shed into a dance studio and give it to Molly. For a while Molly is happy to dance again and have a newfound family. But she misses performing. Edgar and April gift Molly with a new pair of toe shoes and a surprise. They contacted Mars in NYC, and he pulled some strings getting her into the NYC Ballet school! Molly puts on the new toe shoes and dances for joy.
STRUCTURE VERSION TWO:
Main Conflict: Molly wants to dance, but Edgar says no dancing, just school and working in the restaurant. Edgar was abandoned by Molly’s mom, April, who was a gypsy dancer and so he wants no part of dance. Now Molly has been abandoned by April too. Will Molly dance again? Will Edgar and Molly work out their differences? Will they ever forgive April?
Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a man she doesn’t know.
PAGE 10 and Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dance lessons. Instead, Edgar makes Molly go to school and then work wiping tables and serving crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.
First turning point at end of Act 1 – Molly meets Mars, a renowned choreographer, on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his mother; or so he tells Molly. He has given up choreography for the time being because he is burned out and grieving.
Mid-Point – After much pestering, Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in NYC. Every evening after Edgar and Jane, the elderly cook, go to bed Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition. But how can she go when Edgar doesn’t even know she’s dancing?
Second turning point at end of Act 2 – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dancing, and he forbids her again. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm. Jane tells Molly why Edgar refuses to let her dance…because he was in love with a dancer who broke his heart when she left him to pursue her dancing dreams.
Crisis: It’s time to go to NYC. Molly convinces Mars to contact April for permission to go to NYC instead of bothering Edgar. And she lies by saying that Edgar had a change of heart anyway after he saved her from the storm. Mars drives Molly to NYC for the audition.
Climax – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater rehearsal space to drag her home with the police in tow. Mars meets him in the hallway and produces permission from April for him to bring Molly to the audition. The police leave. Edgar cries and he watches Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 12. He and Mars briefly discuss Molly. Edgar heads home. When Molly returns, Jane has died. Jane leaves Molly a note that says only “Shine”. Edgar and Molly bond over Jane’s death and Edgar tells Molly about his history with April and that he is her father.
Resolution –April shows up at Jane’s funeral. April reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. Angry, Molly runs off. April asks Edgar if she can come home. Edgar and Molly have a heart to heart to decide if they can let April back into their lives. They express their love for each other for the first time.
April returns. Edgar and April fix up a large shed into a dance studio and give it to Molly. For a while Molly is happy to dance again and have a newfound family. But she misses performing. Edgar and April gift Molly with a new pair of toe shoes and a surprise. They contacted Mars in NYC, and he pulled some strings getting her into the NYC Ballet school! Molly puts on the new toe shoes and dances for joy.
-
Lisa,
I think your second version underscores two things. First, that the main conflict is between Edgar and Molly, so that you have them directly confronting each other; that is much like a big fight scene in any action movie where the final fight should be between the protagonist and the antagonist. Very well done here.
Second, that people don’t change immediately. Internally, Molly still is conflicted about April. Shows again that maturity comes hard, her dedication to her art, and an organic character arc.Even though you changed one element, you stuck to the core and heart of your story!
Patricia
-
-
N. Kates Day 2 homework
What I learned from this: I need to keep working on the structural issues in my script, and I found that even a short brainstorm made a difference, though there is more work to be done. I’m finding more hope in this than I had….
Bound by Ice Structure
Log Line: Chicago, 1961. Lucy Bledsoe, a closeted lesbian scientist at a Cold War research facility, leads a double life. When she discovers dangerous military secrets, she risks her life, her lover and her job to reveal them.
Main Conflict: Between Lucy, as a closeted lesbian, and the homophobic society she lives in. The Army, which controls her research facility, exemplifies the problem, with its very stringent rules, so the secondary conflict is between Lucy, who decides to whistle-blow, and the Army.
Theme: Secrets can kill.
First version of structure:
1. Opening: a solitary figure walks in a vast empty snowfield, then disappears into a tunnel. A series of shots reveals a mysterious place: Camp Century, Greenland, a US army outpost built under the Greenland Ice Sheet. There is a shot of the drill room, containing the enormous drill that extracts ice cores for their research.
Then we see Lucy (protagonist) on the train to Chicago, heartbroken, with her dog, L’Forte. She has been abandoned by her NY girlfriend, Phyllis, who is going to marry a gay man. Lucy starts her job as an editor at SIPRE, a science lab run by the Army, editing scientific reports about ice core research. She swears an oath: any sign of “deviance” or impropriety will be grounds for dismissal (we see this with flashbacks of her life with Phyllis, so we know she is lying). Her boss, Henri Bader, shows her around and reminds her that she can’t violate the rules.
2. Inciting Incident: Lucy sees top-secret papers indicating the Army wants to put nuclear missiles at Camp Century, where SIPRE extracts its ice cores. One of the papers is a map showing a secret tunnel at the Camp. There is a code word: Project Iceworm.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: her hunt for military secrets, combined with her own secret life as a lesbian in 1961.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: She meets Charlie, an African-American cab driver and photographer, who will who will become her girlfriend during Act II. (on p 26)
During Act II, as Charlie and Lucy’s relationship heats up, Lucy becomes aware that she is under threat and under surveillance. Someone leaves lesbian novels on her desk, and a mysterious figure observes them out on dates. Jenssen, one of the scientists at SIPRE, takes an intense dislike of her when she corrects his work. Lucy goes on a date with one of the other scientists, Becker, to make things safter for her real life, and to ask him about Camp Century.
Charlie also faces many challenges—she gets beat up while photographing a Civil Rights protest, and has to bribe a police officer when she is pulled over for speeding.
5. Mid-Point: Bader gets a report from the FBI that Lucy has a girlfriend. He orders her to come to Greenland with him, to get her away from Charlie and to give him her smarts in the field. She will be the only woman at the remote Army camp, with over 100 male soldiers and scientists. He also insists that she end her affair with Charlie. Charlie is heartbroken, but gives Lucy a camera to take with her on her journey.
On the way to Greenland, Lucy sees another map of Camp Century, this one without the secret tunnels, and is intrigued. She settles into the rough environment, which is cold and a bit claustrophobic, and gets to work. She isn’t prepared for the amount of unwanted sexual attention she gets from the soldiers.
She sneaks out in the middle of the night and finds the secret tunnels, which contain train tracks. This is proof of Project Iceworm, the Army’s secret plan to put nuclear warheads under the Greenland ice. (Iceworm is a very dangerous idea: ice moves around and would deform the missiles, and Denmark, which owns Greenland, is a non- nuclear country.)
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Lucy goes back to photograph the secret tunnel. On her way back, she encounters Jenssen, who tries to take her camera and accuses her of spying for the Russians. He hits her, giving her a black eye and possibly breaking some ribs, but she fights him off enough to keep the camera.
7. Crisis: Bader demands to know what she is doing, and decides to send her home early, because of her injuries. Lucy hides the film, and Jenssen comes back and steals her camera, which is now empty.
8. Climax: She returns home to find her apartment in shambles: the FBI has taken a lot of incriminating stuff about her life as a lesbian. The jig is up. She goes into the office and is immediately fired for violating the oath she pledged when she was hired.
9. Resolution: Lucy begs Charlie for forgiveness, then gets her to develop the film and print images of the train tracks. Lucy sends them to the Chicago Tribune and the Danish consulate. There is a diplomatic shitstorm about the leaks and the Army also fires Bader. Charlie decides to go South to document the Civil Rights movement, and Lucy will go with her, at least for a short while. The final image is of them skating outside in Chicago
A chyron at the end of the film explains that 5,000 people lost jobs during the Cold War because of the “Lavender Scare,” the policy that kicked LGBTQ people out of federal employment. It also explains that the site of Camp Century, which was abandoned in 1966, is a looming environmental threat: nuclear and industrial waste left behind is expected to surface in the next 70 years, as the Greenland Ice Sheet melts.
Revised structure:
Opening: a solitary figure
walks in a vast empty snowfield, then disappears into a tunnel. A series
of shots reveals a mysterious place: Camp Century, Greenland, a US army
outpost built under the Greenland Ice Sheet. There is a shot of the drill
room, containing the enormous drill that extracts ice cores for their
research.Then we see Lucy (protagonist) on the train to Chicago, heartbroken, with her dog, L’Forte. She has been abandoned by her NY girlfriend, Phyllis, who is going to marry a gay man. Lucy starts her job as an editor at SIPRE, a science lab run by the Army, editing scientific reports about ice core research. She swears an oath: any sign of “deviance” or impropriety will be grounds for dismissal (we see this with flashbacks of her life with Phyllis, so we know she is lying). Her boss, Henri Bader, shows her around and reminds her that she can’t violate the rules.
2. Inciting Incident: Lucy sees top-secret papers indicating the Army wants to put nuclear missiles at Camp Century, where SIPRE extracts its ice cores. One of the papers is a map showing a secret tunnel at the Camp. There is a code word: Project Iceworm.
By page 10, you know what the
movie is about: her hunt for military secrets, combined with her own
secret life as a lesbian in 1961.First turning point at end of
Act 1: She meets Charlie (Charlene), an African-American cab driver and
photographer, who will who will become her girlfriend (on p 26)During Act II, as Charlie and Lucy’s relationship heats up, Lucy becomes aware that she is under threat and under surveillance. Someone leaves lesbian novels on her desk, and a mysterious figure observes them out on dates. Jenssen, one of the scientists at SIPRE, takes an intense dislike of her when she corrects his work. Lucy goes on a date with one of the male scientists, Becker, to make things safter for her real life, and to ask him about Camp Century.
FBI Agent Phillips, who has been trailing Lucy and plants the novels on her desk, confronts Lucy, essentially blackmailing her. She will spy for him at SIPRE, or he will get her fired for violating the loyalty oath required for employment. Horrified, Lucy says no, but she is trapped.
Mid-Point: Bader gets a report
from the FBI that Lucy has a girlfriend. He orders her to come to
Greenland with him, to get her away from Charlie and to give him her
smarts in the field. She will be the only woman at the remote Army camp,
with over 100 male soldiers and scientists. He also insists that she end
her affair with Charlie. Charlie is heartbroken, but gives Lucy a camera
to take with her on her journey.Phillips returns, telling Lucy she has no choice but to report to him about Camp Century when she gets back.
On the way to Greenland, Lucy sees another map of Camp Century, this one without the secret tunnels, and is intrigued. She settles into the rough environment, which is cold and a bit claustrophobic, and gets to work. She isn’t prepared for the amount of unwanted sexual attention she gets from the soldiers.
She sneaks out in the middle of the night and finds the secret tunnels, which contain train tracks. This is proof of Project Iceworm, the Army’s secret plan to put nuclear warheads under the Greenland ice. (Iceworm is a very dangerous idea: ice moves around and would deform the missiles, and Denmark, which owns Greenland, is a non-nuclear country.)
Second turning point , end of
Act 2: Lucy goes back to photograph the secret tunnel. On her way back,
she encounters Jenssen, who tries to take her camera and accuses her of
spying for the Russians. He hits her, giving her a black eye and possibly
breaking some ribs, but she fights him off enough to keep the camera.
Crisis: Bader demands to know
what she is doing, and decides to send her home early, because of her
injuries. Lucy hides the film, and Jenssen comes back and steals her
camera, which is now empty.
Climax: She returns home to
find her apartment in shambles: the FBI has taken a lot of incriminating lesbian
material. She goes into the office and is immediately fired for violating
the oath she initially pledged.Phillips comes back, demanding information about Camp Century. She tells him to go to hell, since he no longer has the power over her that he did (ie has already lost her job). She tells him that one day, years from now, what he has done (spying on innocent US citizens) will be seen as a huge abuse of power.
Resolution: Lucy begs Charlie
for forgiveness, then gets her to develop the film and print images of the
train tracks. Lucy sends them to the Chicago Tribune and the Danish
consulate. There is a diplomatic shitstorm about the leaks; the Army also
fires Bader. Charlie decides to go South to document the Civil Rights
movement–Lucy will go with her, at least for a short while. The final
image is of them skating outside in ChicagoA chyron at the end of the film explains that 5,000 people lost jobs during the Cold War because of the “Lavender Scare,” the policy that kicked LGBTQ people out of federal employment.
Another card explains that the site of Camp Century, which was abandoned in 1966, is a looming environmental threat: nuclear and industrial waste left behind is expected to surface in the next 70 years, as the Greenland Ice Sheet melts.
-
ND,
Can see the movement you have made in this interesting journey. Have you thought of changing the title to “IceWorm” or “Project IceWorm?”
Patricia Brown
-
Hi!
I have a friend in Fresno, CA, whose older sister not only had to hide her girlfriend for four decades, she was the officer in the military charged with screening lesbians to be kicked out after “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” They had a tunnel for years between their houses so to keep their love a secret. A true story, you can watch their film called “Surviving the Silence” on Amazon Prime and maybe Apple too. The director is Cindy Abel. I met the producer and the couple right after it was optioned. I thought of this last might after seeing a tunnel in your script.
I can’t imagine what it was like back in 1961, and I have’t seen your beats yet, but I want to make sure when your couple goes out it’s doesn’t seem so cavalier especially since they are being watched like in the above true story (being an officer would have never shielded her from getting immediately dishonorably discharged; not just irony for dramatic effect). Hope you can watch it as part of your research.
Patricia Brown (A straight ally)
-
-
Day 2 – Review Structure and Bust Cliches
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that the merger of two main plot lines creates more opportunities for innovative and new dialogue and scenes than just trying to create change to lineup with the historical timeline.
Version 1
Title: With All Their Might
Genre: True drama
Logline: Fran King must navigate the burdens of divorce, a 3 year old child, an authoritarian father and the challenges of joining a rag tag group of college women to find her voice and the legacy of a historic winning women’s crew.
Structure Version
Main Conflict: Fran must overcome her fear and a domineering father to become a leader and inspire a rag tag group of women to the historic legacy as the first ever women’s crew for their university
Opening: Fran is ambushed with divorce papers from her Native American husband. With $100 and literally the clothes on her back, she packs up her child and heads to the only sanctuary she knows – the home of her authoritarian father.
Inciting Incident: Fran’s father will take care of them but its his house and his rules, no debate and no disagreement. Meanwhile Mike Vespoli, a World Champion, is hired to build a championship crew in Wichita, Kansas on the condition that it’s his program and his way of doing things.
We learned what the story is about by page 10: Fran and Vespoli’s future are intertwined and they must overcome great odds to build a winning crew while Fran finds her voice in the process.
First Turning Point Fran is recruited by Vespoli to row despite her having no athletic background and being a two pack a day smoker
Mid Point: Fran is emerging as a leader as she is the only one not afraid to talk to Vespoli.
2nd Turning point: Fran is persuaded by Vespoli to sit stroke despite Fran’s fear of making mistakes and not being accepted by the women who have been there longer
Crisis: With injuries the future of the women’s crew is in serious doubt. Because of Title IX, if there is no women’s crew there can be no men’s crew
Climax: After the spring training trip, the women now have a full boat. On the trip, Fran learns her divorce is final.
Resolution: Facing a more experienced and more athletic women’s crew from Nebraska, the women must overcome Fran being launched from the boat and having to get back in the boat to win their first regatta. Establishes a legacy that still inspires almost a half century later.
VERSION Two:
Logline: Fran King must overcome all her fears and find a future for her daughter despite being emotionally held hostage by her father. Ultimately she joins a fledgling women’s crew and finds both her voice and the inspirational leadership to lead her crew in building a legacy of winning.,
Opening: Fran is roughed up by two Native American men while her Native American husband watches and tells her she is unworthy to be his wife and the mother of their child.
Inciting Incident: Mike Vespoli is hired to build a championship crew in Wichita, Kansas from scratch. There is only one condition, it will be his system , no arguments.
Page 10: The trajectory of Mike Vespoli’s mission and Fran’s journey of independence are intertwined against all odds.
First turning point: Vespoli is recruiting women at a sorority house and they don’t even understand what he’s talking about. Meanwhile, Fran disappoints her father when she brings home a 93 instead of a perfect score on her college algebra exam.
Midpoint: Fran is coerced by her father to join the World champion coach claiming he will teach her things she won’t find in her textbooks. Fran is frightened because she doesn’t know how to swim.
2nd Turning Point: Fran is recruited by Vespoli to be stroke. Fran hesitates because she is afraid of making mistakes and the reality that Fran is the newest of all the women rowers. Fran’s father gives her the silent treatment when Fran changes her major from music to business without consulting her father. In his mind, this breaks the agreement they made when he rescued Fran and her daughter.
Crisis: With injuries and defections, it looks like the women’s crew is destined to collapse. Because it is the dawn of Title IX, if the women collapse means the men’s crew is over as well.
Climax: After a spring training trip, the women’s crew is solidified and Fran is told her divorce is final.
Resolution: The legacy of the first women’s crew is cemented when they are victorious over a more athletic and experience opponent. But first, they must overcome Fran being launched from the boat and flailing to get back in the boat and stroke the boat to victory. After the race, Fran reconciles with her father
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Robert Kerr.
-
Robert,
Love the title since rowing is definitely a team sport.
You read my mind about tightening up your logline from your first one in Lesson 1. You took out the emotional challenges like self-confidence that was already implied by the main conflict, and narrowed it beautifully the second logline around. Your final one below is the best because it does not lead with the conflict of divorce; that word can scare off some readers maybe and with the concept of recency, that’s what they will consciously or unconsciously think is the major conflict of your film. Great logline!
As for the phrase “clothes off her back,” it probably was true, but may be one of those cliches that needs busting. It is shorthand, and I had a late, great woman friend who left in the middle of night with her three kids with only their clothes on their backs to get out of an abusive marriage; sometimes that’s why cliches become cliches.
I like that your inciting incident presents two males with twice the pressure. I like how you keep referring to Fran King’s journey for her voice. We women can be discounted, ignored, interrupted, and it is so common we may not even notice. Bravo to reflecting the courage to hit that issue hard.
Finally, I like that you used her full name. It reflects the rights you already have.
Patricia Brown
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
-
[REWRITE] DAY 2—Review Structure & Bust Clichés
Patricia Brown
SEA CHANGE IN SEATTLE
What I learned from this assignment is that changing structure can immediately increase the entertainment value. So does changing genres.
LOGLINE: A Seattle attorney and a therapist barter their services to get the divorces they’ve resisted, but when they start to have feelings for each other their professional rules say they must wait 5 years to date!
GENRE: ROM-COM
Main Conflict: Trish Borelli, a Seattle divorce attorney, and Nate Noah, a therapist, agree to barter their services to each other, thereby becoming each other’s clients to finally get the divorces from their respective spouses they have resisted. But as clients, the 5-year band that constrains them from dating is suddenly triggered. What do they do when they fall in love with each other? Can they wait it out?
1. Opening: Trish is lured by her teen boyfriend, a preacher’s kid, to have sex with him on the altar on a Saturday night in his dad’s sanctuary. They get caught by a lay leader putting flowers on the altar for the service next day. The guy doesn’t squeal, but at the morning service he sits behind them and whispers, “There is a time and place for everything—and this is definitely not the place.” But Trish confuses the sex for love and agrees to elope to Canada with her boyfriend. Her car breaks down on the way and she finds out he was using her to get to another girl. She is miserable having to wait for her car to get fixed as he goes off in the woods to screw the girl and furious at herself that she trusted his lies, swearing to find herself a guy who will be forever faithful. Enter Nate, the unconfident, but understanding friend who comforts her while driving her home. He is drawn towards her, but too shy to do anything about it.
2. Inciting Incident: Now adults, Trish’s husband, Evan, drains the bank accounts and Trish and their daughter are locked out of her law practice and home.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: strict and mounting obstacles thwarting the intentions of soulmates.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Nate takes Trish and Bella in, and they agree to become each other’s clients triggering the ethical and legal restrictions to dating.
5. Mid-Point: Trish and Nate are falling in love, but so constrained by internally honoring their vows and externally following the ethical rules, they won’t even kiss at the lighthouse when they go to find Perdita to serve her divorce papers and get caught in a storm. Bella, growing up with the language of divorce, has been adamant from the start that she doesn’t want her parents to divorce.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Evan flies into Seattle to sign the divorce papers, but Bella shuns her dad for abandoning them and mom for seeking a divorce. Trish and Nate have a private “taking off their wedding rings” ceremony together.
7. Crisis: Even though Bella has fallen for Luke, Luke—who grew up with the “co-dependency” and “attachment wounds” language of therapy– won’t go to Italy with her to the University, opting to stay to find his mom and comforting his dad when Trish too decides to spend the mandatory five-year waiting period in Italy to get her Master in Laws and be near Bella and Evan who is detoxing there.
8. Climax: The main campus of the international university is in Seattle, so Trish, and Bella come home to Nate and Luke for graduation, but although Bella and Luke kept in touch for those years, Trish and Nate did not—again, playing by the rules–and are both scared to reunite.
9. Resolution: Nate takes Trish back to the lighthouse where they finally declare their love for each other and proposes. He tells her that he’d be a fool not to marry her. Luke has proposed to Bella on the dock and there are two weddings!
Part taken out: Opening
SECOND LIST OF MAIN CONFLICT AND STRUCTURAL ITEMS
Main Conflict: Trish Borelli, a Seattle divorce attorney, and Nate Noah, a therapist, agree to barter their services to each other, thereby becoming each other’s clients to finally get the divorces from their respective spouses they have resisted. But as clients, the 5-year band that constrains them from dating is suddenly triggered. What do they do when they fall in love with each other? Can they wait it out?
NEW OPENING:
Trish gets to her law office early in the morning at a small business hub downtown Seattle, but finds her key won’t work and she is on her cell having a heated argument with her husband, Evan, an international pilot, who has absconded with all of their joint accounts and didn’t pay her office rent or their mortgage on the home where she lives with their 16-year-old daughter, Bella. The temperature and Trish’s voice are rising and Trish accuses him of abandoning her and Bella for a stewardess.
Enters Nate, the quiet, kind, mild-mannered, almost Zen therapist whose door to his office is immediately across from hers. He bends over to pick up his mail from the rug, and can’t help but notice her legs and the red jersey, snug dress wrapping her curvy body attached to her brown dark mane and blue eyes. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, he recognizes immediately the crisis on her end of the phone that will likely end in a breakup, but doesn’t interrupt. He hates attorneys. But when Trish starts to cry, he just can’t ignore her emotional angst. He invites her in for coffee and tissues; it’s an hour before his first client arrives.
The purpose of this scene is to introduce both leads in an entertaining way. First, opposites attract—she is an Italian, passionate, animated, articulate, intense attorney who is a zealous advocate for everyone else—but herself. Nate is a quiet, unassuming, closed-down therapist who has buried his pain of abandonment by his wife with a subtle, but witty, sense of humor and by lying to his son about her whereabouts. He isn’t as self-aware as he thinks he is. Trish and Nate do have things in common: still married after all these years to spouses who are not emotionally, spiritually, physically, or intellectually available to them, they love their 16-year-old kids, music, and the sea, while trying to adhere to their wedding vows, the rule of law, and the power of ethical and cultural norms.
Main Conflict: Trish Borelli, a Seattle divorce attorney, and Nate Noah, a therapist, agree to barter their services to each other, thereby becoming each other’s clients to finally get the divorces from their respective spouses they have resisted. But, as clients, the 5-year band that constrains them from dating is suddenly triggered. What do they do when they fall in love with each other? Can they wait it out?
Inciting Incident: Now adults, Trish’s husband, Evan, drains the bank accounts and Trish and their daughter are locked out of her law practice and home.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: strict and mounting obstacles thwarting the intentions of soulmates. Nate takes Trish and Bella in, and they agree to become each other’s clients triggering the ethical and legal restrictions to dating
First turning point at end of Act 1: Evan flies into Seattle for Christmas for the first time in five years for what Trish believes is to sign the divorce papers, but he balks and, instead, presses her to get back together. Bella is furious and tells her mother that she will run away if Trish reconciles with her jerk dad.
Mid-Point: Nate takes Trish to a lighthouse near where Perdita has been hold up with her lover since Luke was four, but he never told Luke. Trish, as his attorney, can serve her divorce papers, but Nate, a party, can’t. A storm comes in and they are stranded under the eaves of the lighthouse close together, but unable to touch. The heat between them is palpable. They go back to Seattle soaked without kissing or serving Perdita.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Evan starts binge drinking triggered by the divorce papers and is grounded in Italy by his airline until he detoxes there. her friend Melville and Bella—both in love with Luke—cry on the plane to Italy—because Luke decides to stay in Seattle with his dad and go to school there at the main campus. Trish will go to Italy only if Evan signs the divorce papers before she leaves and he releases her half of the funds. He agrees. She tells everyone only a third of the truth for her trip to Italy; that she is going to work on her Master in Laws and be near Bella. She doesn’t tell anyone (except her attorney/BFF she nicknamed ‘Boomerang’) that she is finally going to exact the divorce papers from Evan, and certainly doesn’t reveal that she is in love with Nate and has to wait the mandatory five years to be with him.
Crisis: Trish very reluctantly leaves Nate at the airport. They don’t kiss.
Climax: Trish flies back to Seattle with Bella and are greeted at the airport. By Nate and Luke. Bella and Luke aren’t shy and suck face, since unbeknownst to their parents, they have been communicating online the whole time, but Trish and Nate are remarkably shy, having been apart for five years.
Resolution: Nate surprises Trish by taking her straight to the lighthouse. He tells her that she is his beacon, the light of his life. He proposes and she says ‘yes!’ Their hot first kiss was definitely worth waiting for. Back at the Seattle dock where Luke went fishing with his dad while Bella was gone, Luke sings Bella a funny rhyming sea shanty to propose; she accepts. At the joint wedding, Trish and Nate leave the reception and go to his Tai Chi Beach where they celebrate alone while dancing with sparklers in the fog at midnight. They can see the beacon from their lighthouse on the beach. THE END
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Patricia Brown.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
-
Pat: Really enjoyed the clarity and precision in your second version.\
Perhaps a way to improve the logline might be “… the professional rules say wait for five years and thus begins the odyssey of mishaps, love and yearning on two continents.
The new opening creates excellent clarity and promise.
The new first turning point demonstrates great conflict and introduces new emotion and intensity.
A small bump on the new mid-point. Who is Perdita? Is she Nate’s wife. feels like this character needs to be introduced sooner.
Love the Resolution.
Great shift in genre and appreciate the growth between the first and second version.
Holds great promise as a viable story that is unique and interesting.
-
Bob,
Always appreciate anything that helps me tighten up my logline. I will consider your suggestions.
Not surprised about your Perdita comment, since only yesterday, I started a second character interview with her to flush her out. Yes, she is the wife of Nate, mother of Luke.
Since I am a long-time pandemic Tai Chi zoomer myself, Nate’s confidant/BFF will be his Japanese-American Tai Chi instructor who at this point doesn’t even have a name. I will be doing his character interview to see what he can reveal to me, but I have already done my research about Tai Chi in Seattle and have a comic situation in mind for a scene with them both leading into the resolution.
Thank you!
-
-
GRANDDAUGHTER GOT RUNOVER BY A REINDEER STRUCTURE
LESSON 2 HOMEWORK FROM HAL’S REVISION CLASS
Main conflict: Former Olympian loses her job with the National Ski Team, so she has to overcome the emotional, financial and business challenges of a major life pivot.
Opening: Beth, the protagonist, gets run over by reindeer when she and her grandmother veer off a ski run, where they meet the new and old town doctors.
Inciting Incident: When Beth receives the disappointing call that her contract as a counsellor with the ski team has not been renewed, she’s adrift with no professional or personal anchors. She doesn’t know where or how to start the business she’s dreamed of, as an inspirational speaker and counsellor.
By Page 10: Beth’s dilemma and struggles are clear, and she’s met her future romance in this holiday rom-com.
First turning point at the end of Act 1: Beth fills in at Doc Finn’s free clinic for veterans until his new counsellor can get there after the first of the year. She discovers she has an affinity for the veterans.
Mid-Point: Beth’s grandmother and Doc Finn try to convince her that she can run her business from her grandmother’s small town of Ornament. Beth is still leaning toward setting up her office in the city.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2: Beth decides to stay in Ornament, and puts in a bid on a building an with an apartment above it. She no longer sees city life as her only option for success.
Crisis: The building she wants to buy doesn’t pass homeowners inspection. The seller refuses to fix the issues, which will cost Beth more money. There are may offices available in the city because more people work from home now, making it more affordable.
Climax: Finn offers part of the Veteran’s Clinic offices to Beth so she doesn’t have to worry about the issues in the other building. Her monthly payments would be donated to the Clinic. A misunderstanding between Beth and Finn causes a rift in their relationship, including Finn encouraging Beth to return to the city.
Resolution: Finn’s grandfather clears up the misunderstanding. Finn realizes he’s been hasty and hurtful to Beth. He does a grand gesture, including reindeer, to apologize and make up for it – which Beth accepts. They look forward to working together and developing their relationship.
NOTE: It is difficult to bust cliches and be fresh while working within the confines of the holiday script genre, but I’m giving it a go.
Log in to reply.