• Ed Lusk

    Member
    December 11, 2022 at 11:56 pm

    What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how just working with the basic structure keeps me focused on what matters. Completing the beats ensures the backbone of the story is there. In my case, working with an adaptation of another’s work, places some parameters on how creative I can be as I obligated to staying as close to original text as possible. However, beyond this this circumstance, the sky is the limit as how creative I can be in easily changing a story’s narrative.

    Subject: Ed Lusk, Basic Structure Version 1

    LOGLINE:

    A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he discovers his faith and his trust in science threatened by a diabolical virus causing vampirism which he must cure for before it takes over the human race.

    MAIN CONFLICT:

    A Jesuit Priest battles vampires in the Vatican.

    OPENING:

    A emaciated young boy sits in the center of a sparse bedroom. The rear wall slides away revealing a glass panel. Behind it stands, Father Milszewski, in a laboratory. He holds behind his back a teddy bear and a syringe. Milszweski enters the cell. The teddy bear offering goers badly. The boy swipes it away with talon like claws. He transforms into a vampire and attacks. Before the priest can administered the shot he’s badly wounded, escaping the boy with a gnarly gash down the side of his face and a trial vaccine never tested.

    INCITING INCIDENT:

    Father Merchant, in his Georgetown laboratory. His assistant, Olivia, delivers to him a strange letter from the Vatican. It requests he immediately report to the Vatican for reasons only given as, “a matter of dire consequence.”

    BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

    The Vatican has a secret lab where they have been studying vampires for centuries. They know vampires are caused by the N1PH virus, whether the virus is diabolical or scientific is hotly debated. The latest vaccine trial leaves the chief researcher, Father Milzewski badly injured. The decision by the Pope is made to recruit Father Simon Merchant, Jesuit Priest, to lead the vaccine trials and stop the decease before it is too late.

    FIRST TURNING POINT END OF ACT ONE:

    Merchant’s virus vaccine trial goes horribly wrong killing the vampire patient triggering the release of the diabolical spirit infecting other specimens. During the revolt Merchant is accidentally injected by his own vaccine placing him in delusional comma.

    MIDPOINT:

    Merchant awakens from his comma only to find Olivia has been taken by the vampires leader – Yofiel. In Merchant’s hand a mysterious note left by Olivia. Father Collini’s shows Merchant his secret ancient scrolls which help Merchant decipher Olivia’s note clue.

    SECOND TURNING POINT END OF ACT TWO:

    Father Merchant launches his plan to cure the virus which requires him to find inside the Vatican the Spear of Destiny, its actual existence in question, while evading the vampires and Vatican Swiss Guard. He must do it quickly as Olivia life is on the line.

    CRISIS:

    Father Merchant is unjustly arrested and imprisoned for the murder of Cardinal Michelet while Olivia is in the hands of the vampires who are planning to sacrifice her on Easter Sunday starting the vampire pandemic.

    CLIMAX:

    Merchant has a showdown with Yofiel, the leader of the vampires, in the remains ancient pagan temple deep under the Vatican. Olivia, because she is a virgin and an atheist, is the perfect sacrifice for infecting the other vampires with the vaccine that allows them to exist among the daylight. Her life just minutes away from being ended. Merchant is assisted by Father Collini, and his exorcisms skills , in fighting off the vampires. Collini is killed in the battle. Merchant is able to inject Yofiel with the vaccine he concocted from the DNA found on the Spear of Destiny, thereby transforming Yofiel back to his human state, that of, Longinus, the Roman Centurion who stabbed Jesus.

    RESOLUTION:

    Merchant and Olivia, enjoy the Easter Sunrise on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica. Olivia believes they should try to convince the faithful about the true origins of the vampires and the virus. Father Merchant disagrees as no one would ever believe their story and it is best they go one believing as they always have. They share a kiss. Back in the Georgetown lab, Merchant peers down his microscope only to be terrified at the sight of the N1PH virus devouring the test cells turning the slide blood red.

    SEPARATED OUT:

    CRISIS (NEW)

    Escaped from Vatican prison, Merchant goes to the underground ruins of the pagan temple expecting to find and save Olivia and kill the vampires, except the place is not the vampire’s nest. It’s vacant. Time is running out and Merchant is at a loss as what to do , or where to go next. Merchant takes a gamble to find Olivia and the Vampires. He going with faith over science, It Holy Saturday, Jesus laid in a tomb, it is a tomb not a temple where he will find Yofiel, Olivia and the vampires.

    CLIMAX (NEW)

    Merchant confronts Yofiel as he expected hiding in the tomb of the dead, aka Saint Peter’s Tomb. Merchant takes on Yofiel and is assisted by Father Collini and the Swiss Guard he recruited to help. Using a mixture of faith and science , Merchant and crew defeat Yofiel, and his vampires, who transform back to their original human form. Yofiel transforms from vampire to the Roman Centurion who pierced Jesus’s side. The ceiling above the tomb crumbles, allowing the sunshine and throngs of pilgrims in Saint Peter’s Square above for Easter Sunday mass look down upon the group, exposing their escapades to the world.

    RESOLUTION (NEW):

    Merchant and Olivia, enjoy the Easter Sunrise on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica. Olivia believes they should try to convince the faithful about the true origins of the vampires and the virus. Father Merchant disagrees as no one would ever believe their story and it is best they go one believing as they always have. They share a kiss. The Swiss Guard interrupt taking Merchant away. He awakens in a bed, rustic cabin-like room, pulling back we see he’s abandoned on an old monastery high in the Italian alps. From the window he screams out for Olivia.

    • Michael Williamsen

      Member
      December 14, 2022 at 2:14 am

      Learning structure is why I started taking ScreenwritingU courses in 2021! Still learning more. I sent you a message on your profile. It definitely makes it easier to see the major turning points in a clear list. Looking forward to watching you develop your story.

  • Michael Williamsen

    Member
    December 12, 2022 at 2:24 am

    HOMEWORK

    WIL: This story has a lot of opportunities for some badly need creativity – my specialty!!!.

    LOGLINE: Sheriff Mike is finding his kidnapping suspects are being killed off by a serial killer, his ex-wife is dating his biggest target, and his daughter disappears.

    SUB LOGLINE: Divorced single mother Victoria is caught between her ex-husband/Sheriff Mike who is suspected of killing off his kidnapping suspects and her billionaire boyfriend Bob who she suspects is the kidnapper. Her daughter disappears.

    Main Conflict: Sheriff Mike (and ex-husband to main character Victoria) suspects his kidnapping suspects are being killed off by an apparent serial killer using zipties to strangle victims. Billionaire/defense attorney Bob (and new boyfriend to Victoria) is trying to grow his sex-trade by covering up with media hype over kidnappings, then take over the human-trafficking trade, frame Sheriff Mike for it all.

    Sub Conflict: Victoria is caught in the middle of her ex Sheriff Mike and Boyfriend Bob. Her daughter disappears. Mike and Bob point the obvious captor; the other. Victoria needs to manipulate them both to save her and Mike’s daughter.

    1. Opening: Thug1 gets slashed and zipped. A muffled voice: “Where are they?”

    Inciting Incident: Heated debate at beach reveals bob and mike accuse each other for killings: Mike killing off kidnapping suspects and Bob killing off sex-trade competition for clients. Victoria is hating on Sheriff Mike while Boyfriend Bob is swooning her with exotic treats.

    2. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Mike and Bob meet at Mike’s office. Bob tries to befriend and become partners with Mike telling him he can help him catch the kidnappers and serial killer by providing him with inside info Bob by law can’t divulge by attorney/client privileges.

    3. First turning point at end of Act 1: Bob blackmails Mike’s trusted friend the Mayor to join the sex-slave biz. We now know Bob is sex-slave ringleader, Victoria still doesn’t. Mike and Victoria’s daughter disappears. Victoria accuses Mike. Mike accuses Bob.

    4. Mid-Point: Media has turned on Sheriff Mike as killing off his suspects. Victoria finds evidence that Bob is the sex-slave ringleader which she gives to Mike who gives it to his trusted friend the Mayor. Bob goes narcissist on Victoria trying to prove the evidence wrong and he was intended to get to Mike to help catch kidnapping ring. Bob is parked in front of a warehouse and human trafficking victims are being off-loaded from a truck.

    5. Second turning point of Act 2: Mike is arrested for kidnapping ring and serial killing.

    6. Crisis: Mike escapes going underground with the Mexican Mob.

    7. Climax: Bob catches Mike in a coffee shop. Mike gets Bob to admit he has Lucy in his downtown condo. Victoria is secretly listening on Mike’s phone.

    8. Resolution: Victoria is reunited with her daughter on a beach in Mexico. Bob announces he is running for State Assembly.

    SEPARATED OUT: The CRISIS NEEDS A LOT OF STIMULATION – STAY TUNED

    • Ed Lusk

      Member
      December 15, 2022 at 1:39 am

      Good work Michael, I can see this as a film noir type of story. I like your characters that operate outside of society. A little Quentin Tarantino – ish! Keep refining and focusing.

  • Randall Stevens

    Member
    December 13, 2022 at 6:17 pm

    SCRIPT STRUCTURE.

    What I learned from this was that more background from Susan’s childhood needed to be added in the opening to give the audience more of a bond to her

    LOG <st1:stockticker>LINE</st1:stockticker>

    A woman who refuses to accept she possesses the hidden dominant trait of a Norse goddess gets kidnapped by a Norse religious cult to be sacrificed. She discovers she must liberate the trait to escape and prevent the end of the world.

    1. Opening:

    On screen shows Bible quote. “The woman was given two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly…

    out of the serpents reach”.

    Revelations 12 : 14

    Two women, Susan and Karin, are chained to a post on an altar platform they pull back in fear at what grows before them.

    On screen shows: Two days earlier.

    Susan addresses a large audience that supports animal rescue.

    2. Inciting Incident:

    An old woman shows up at Susan’s house and informs her that her dead grandmother is alive being and held with the population in a small secluded town of <st1:city><st1:place>Helen</st1:place></st1:city>, <st1:state><st1:place>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>. She furthers that Susan solely possess the power to save the town and world from extinction. Before the woman turns to ash she’s given three coins said to have knowledge in them.

    3. By page ten:

    To Susan the only person that knows anything about mythological cults is her estranged father. Her love interest Sam encourages her to at least call her father. Susan balks and wants to let it go. Her Mother’s aberration encourages her to go see her Father. She leaves Susan proof, a locket the Susan put in her coffin.

    First turning point at end of act one:

    Susan drives to her Father’s house ninety miles away. On the way she gets kidnapped and taken to the town of <st1:city><st1:place>Helen</st1:place></st1:city>. She meets the evil protagonist Lord Lokan, who for some unknown reason she slightly recognizes.

    Mid-point:

    Susan’s held captive in a room and is soon accompanied by a young woman, Karin, who is there for heresy. She tells Susan that Lord Lokan is going to sacrifice Susan at a ceremony that evening and the world is going to be destroyed. Susan knows who Karin is, but can’t get over how young she is. Karin informs her that in the town no one ages. Susan keeps the secret.

    Second turning point at end of act two:

    During an appearance by Lord Lokan Susan unexpectedly recognizes him. Her Mother’s voice tells her how to release her harbored power that she had denied possessing. Susan does it and is fulfilled with confidence and a knowledge of what has to be done. She confronts Lord Lokan and stands up to him before he leaves.

    Crisis:

    Susan escapes and tells Karin she’ll be back for her. Susan is soon caught again and chained to a wall in a cavern. Lord Lokan shows her who else is chained in the cave, her father. He vows that both of them will be sacrificed.

    Sam and his friend Jumper have been on Susan’s trail with the sheriff of the nearby town. The sheriff enters the road to Helen gets killed and carried off by a giant wolf. His squad is devoured by the small bridge that leads to the town. Sam makes his way to the town on foot. After a gunfight, he meets up with Erik, Karin’s husband, the one who originally kidnapped Susan. Sam does not know this. They team up and rescue Susan and her Father Owen. Karin tells Sam what Erik did and wants revenge. Erik explains his motive for the act. Susan has doubts. Sam ties him up at the entrance to the cave.

    Sam, Susan and Owen are captured and secured on the sacrifice altar; the men chained to one post, the women on the other.

    Erik gets free from his shackles and interrupts the ceremony by getting on the platform and informing Lord Lokan of a plot by the victims to kill him. When Lord Lokan looks away Erik attacks him, but is killed and cast off the altar.

    Climax:

    Lord Lokan commences the sacrifice ceremony. Focus is on the women’s scene from the beginning. A huge serpent grows before them. Lord Lokan raises his hand and loosens the chains so the serpent and devour the victims. The chains clink remind Sam that he has the three coins in his inner pants pocket. He tells Owen who retrieves them and lines them up in his hand, points at Susan and says a chant.

    Simultaneously, Lord Lokan collapses and a whirl of wind surrounds Susan. She grows to a nine foot armored woman with wings, a bow and quiver of flaming arrows. She is Arindis the secret daughter of Odin. She flies away from the serpent just in time.

    Sam gets Karin and Owen off the platform. Karin runs off to find Erik.

    Arindis shoots her arrows at the fallen Lord Lokan and he explodes off the platform. Arindis then destroys the serpent and the tree from which it came. The ground opens and swallows all the structures. Arindis flies off.

    At the top of the road, that leads down to the area, stands the wolf. It has blood and body parts hanging from its jowls. Owen directs Sam to stand away.

    Owen opens his hand and chants. rapidly, he starts growing with a gold sword in his hand. He transforms into Odin. The wolf and Odin battle on the road as the hole in the earth enlarges. Odin is stabs stands on the wolfs muzzle and stabs at its eyes. The wolf stands on its hind legs as its front paws desperately try to sweep Odin off.

    Arindis finds Karin beside her dead husband. Arindis feels helpless and ashamed. Her Mother’s voice intercedes and tells Arindis that she can give him life, but will disappear forever. After a moment of reflection, she her mother gives a heartfelt nod.

    At the top of the road enters Sam’s truck. Jumper is behind the wheel he floors it down the hill and into the wolf’s hind legs. The wolf and Odin are cast into the hole. Sam rushes to the side and sees Owen now holding on to the sword that is plunged into the side of the hole. Sam can’t reach him. Arindis flies to the rescue and saves the day.

    Resolution:

    Susan and Owen reconcile as father and daughter. She ask for forgiveness and Owen says there is nothing to forgive.

    Then Susan introduces her Father to his Mother Karin.

    On the bus that takes the survivors of the town away. Focus is on the back seat. Legion Ladnar, one of the men Sam shot, sits with his arm in a sling. His eyes suddenly form exactly like Lord Lokan’s then back to normal. He smiles.

    OPENING:

    I added a conversation between Susan and Sam at a restaurant where she divulges why she is estranged from her Father.

    • Michael Williamsen

      Member
      December 13, 2022 at 8:14 pm

      ~w0w~ Randall. A lot going on here!!! I am 100% Norwegian 2nd generation. Watched all the Viking shows on Netflix. I think there may be too much for me to absorb the essence of the story in this synapse, especially when the crisis introduces several characters not yet in the story. I can see you have a real thriller coming out!! I can’t wait to read more and see it on the big screen!! What genre are you going for?

  • Randall Stevens

    Member
    December 14, 2022 at 12:22 am

    I see that you sent me a message. Every time I try to bring it up it disappears. What am I doing wrong?

    Randall

    • Michael Williamsen

      Member
      December 15, 2022 at 10:35 pm

      This message ?:

      ~w0w~ Randall. A lot going on here!!! I am 100% Norwegian 2nd generation. Watched all the Viking shows on Netflix. I think there may be too much for me to absorb the essence of the story in this synapse, especially when the crisis introduces several characters not yet in the story. I can see you have a real thriller coming out!! I can’t wait to read more and see it on the big screen!! What genre are you going for?

  • Randall Stevens

    Member
    December 14, 2022 at 12:33 am

    Found it, thanx. I’m after horror / fantasy. I’d like to see it on the screen also before I cash it in, lol.

  • Mark Hammond

    Member
    January 5, 2023 at 11:01 pm

    Mark’s Basic Structure Version 1

    What I’ve learned doing this assignment is breaking it down this way clearly identified the problems I was having with the script.

    Logline:

    Losing her site and parents in a car accident, Precious is taken care of by her brother

    Larry, but on this stormy Halloween night, trapped in a funeral home, the Angel Of Death welcomed them into his world.

    The Angel Of Death:

    Open:

    The story opens on Halloween night, where Carl arrives with a cadaver under the watchful gaze of the mortician, Angel. There’s a familiar reality to the transaction, almost friendliness. As Carl departs, the true menace of their relationship is unveiled, when the cadaver is revealed to be alive, just long enough for Angel to remove its still beating heart with monstrous, retractable claws.

    One year later, a group of college friends are driving to a trick or treat themed church party. Their driver, Carl… also a college student… fits right in with the group, with no allusion to his role as Angel’s minion. The group enjoys some treats as they drive, including booze and marijuana, while joking with one another, this all seems to be one hell of a party. Among the partiers are Precious and her brother Larry, who appear to have a tense relationship due to the past trauma for which Larry blames himself, and which Precious describes as his dangerous drinking. The other members of the group are also introduced. Somewhere along the road, the bus suffers a breakdown, and the group is forced into the rainy night looking for help. They stumble through a cemetery, up to Angel’s Funeral Home.

    Conflict:

    Precious does not want to go to this party. She was pressured by her brother to attend.

    Inciting incident:

    Soon, the group is inside the funeral home, facing a myriad of surreal terrors.The horror begins with Larry encountering Angel, who greets him with a smile before showing his true face and suddenly removing Larry’s heart. The group discovers Larry, who warns them to “protect their heart” with his dying breath. The group is now locked in, and seemingly there is no way out.

    Conflict:

    For Precious, this moment is the beginning of her fall into guilt and despair, both over Larry’s death and the accident which left her and Larry orphaned.

    By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

    By now we know this is a horror/dark comedy.

    First turning point at end of Act 1:

    Precious is captured by Angel, who reveals he has a particular interest in her, before deciding to cremate her for her sins.

    Conflict:

    Precious must get free from eminent death.

    Second turning point at end of Act 2:

    Precious can see that over the course of the evening. Angel kills the teens one by one, and she is helpless to warn them. Angel explaining that Halloween is deaths special night, and this is no coincidence that the teens have run out of their allotted time on earth. As more of them are all picked off, the group tries to arm themselves and make a final stand, only to learn that the mortality is bound by universal faith, and the Angel of Death would not be easily defeated.

    Conflict:

    Precious wants to warn them but she is bound and blind.

    Crisis:

    In a final defiant act, Precious will try to sacrifice herself and kill The Angel Of Death, rather than fall victim to his whims. In so doing, Precious uncovers Carl’s identity as Angel’s secret servant, and was turned to her only weapon… the power of her faith. ( I will rewrite this to her brother is Angel’s accomplice.)

    Conflict:

    Should I kill my brother along with Angel to save myself?

    Climax:

    In their last confrontation, Angel claims both Carl and the final survivor, Morris, with the building now unlocked and Precious able to escape. As his final act, Angel reminds Precious that her time will come, even if it won’t be this Halloween. Precious will be forced to survive under the looming menace of deaths intentions, forever carrying with her the guilt of her family‘s death at her hand and her own physical disability.

    Resolution:

    Morris gives Precious the cross he described in the opening scene that was given to him by his grandmother, she told him it will remind him that no one can take his soul.

    Precious straightens up with her head held high says: “My only regret is I didn’t walk with hope before now!”

  • Mark Hammond

    Member
    January 5, 2023 at 11:03 pm

    Here’s my Lesson 2. If anyone is available to take a look, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

  • David Shoenfeld

    Member
    January 17, 2023 at 9:01 pm

    David Shoenfeld’s Concept Basic Structure Version 1.

    What I learned doing this assignment is the value of selecting one part of the structure to find ways to elevate that element (and the story) rather than view a screenplay as one 110 page beast to poke and prod in a disorganized fashion. Here goes (Before & a peek at After):

    Voodoo Gulch

    Logline:

    When the Great Hurricane of 1893 devastates New Orleans, a Voodoo Queen, her daughter, and two couples embark on a trek to begin anew, but Voodoo Queen faces unique risks and perils in her struggles to survive and retain her special powers.

    Opening: We meet Voodoo Queen (VQ) as she advises Client on finding peace. When asked about her late Mother, VQ reveals her Father should not have taken her away from the safety of an Energy Portal like the one in Vieux Carré for as long as he did. Asked why that mattered, she explains that if a Voodoo Practitioner iremains distant for one moon, Voudon Powers fade, and after two comes… Death.

    Inciting Incident: Fierce hurricane approaches New Orleans. Family friend Caleb helps VQ and daughter Gris-Gris (GG) escape in his wagon to safety 20 miles inland at Oren’s Farm. Oren’s wife views VQ and GG as evil for practicing Hoodoo witchcraft.

    By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
    Voodoo Queen and Gris-Gris cannot return home again, so they must find themselves a new home near an energy portal… or die.

    First turning point at end of Act
    Return to New Orleans is out of the question. Wagons are loaded and the Trek North and West begins. VQ hopes they find a community close enough for her to return to New Orleans, but hopes are dashed as each one they encounter was destroyed or is strongly unwelcoming.

    Mid-Point: After missteps along the way, they take left fork, narrowly miss a settlement and reach a Mining Camp. Mine Boss seeks to immediately run them off, but VQ senses the fringe of a nearby energy portal, and begs Mine Boos to let them stay long enough to rest from their journey. Once they learn she’s a Voodoo Queen, they blame her for every misfortune, from sudden rains to ill effects of bread she made from cook’s tainted supply of rye flour. VQ and GG are banished to the furthest edge of the camp.

    Second turning point at end of Act
    2:
    VQ tries to be helpful in the camp as the other wives work fields Oren planted, and Caleb builds structures for the miners to live in. VQ hikes trails in search of the portal, discovers an unclaimed mining site, is helped by Frontier Doc to file a claim she can use as leverage to get Mine Boss to treat her fairly. He agrees, but has no intention of honoring the deal.

    Crisis: To avoid exposure for theft of VQ’s mining claim, he lures VQ and GG to a box canyon. To test Voudon abilities to spot another potential mining site, he blindfolds them both, drives wagon in circles and figure eights to disorient them, dumps them in the canyon to die, and have bones picked clean to hide evidence.

    GG helps free VQ’s binds, and leads them to a crevice in the canyon where there is a path that leads in the direction of the mining camp. They reach the settlement, where VQ senses they’re close to the energy portal and introduce themselves.

    Say they’ll be back, and resume trek to the camp. GG finds a site with a rich vein of silver,. On their way back to the camp, they intercept Frontier Doc, who checks them out and brings them to the Assay Office to file their mining claim. She buys supplies, sends word that she’s hiring hard-working miners, asks Assay Office to let her know.

    Climax:
    VQ and GG announce their departure from the mining camp to begin working their new mine. She offers any miner who chooses to join them a fair deal. The mine produces silver ore from day one. GG indicates where the mine shaft should be dug.

    Resolution: Mine Boss offers to work as foreman, she declines. He packs his things and rides off into the sunset to SFO. She buys Cook’s chuckwagon, gives him enough coins to pursue his restaurant dream in Denver. The settlement eagerly supports her new mine venture, shares in the gains, transforms from a band of families struggling to survive to a thriving community that welcomes Voodoo and Gris-Gris, the new Voodoo Queen

    The Element I chose to Separate Out: The Second turning point at end of Act 2:

    This plot point was meant to take VQ to the point where she would change and succeed, or accept failure and death. Without identifying clear, escalating indications that VQ’s powers are waning, this feels slow and unfocused. It also lost thread of antagonism of Oren’s wife and active role she plays in stirring up trouble. Earlier plants did not payoff to build tension.

    Second turning point at end of Act 2 Revised: VQ fends off a series of escalating attacks as Oren’s wife riles up Miners and the Mine Boss to foment strife, which forces VQ and GG to remain distant and isolated from the other New Orleans refugees. VQ tries to be helpful in the camp, but her efforts are more often rebuffed. Caleb is stopped from building VQ and GG a better shelter than the narrow rock ledge they live beneath. VQ grows desperate, senses that each attempt to communicate with the Spirits is less effective than her prior efforts. Losing hope, she wanders the trails alone, suddenly feels a connection to Spirit, and is guided to a stack ore-rich rocks that lead to a potential new mining site. She asks Frontier Doc how mining claims work, and he offers to take her to the Assay Office and see if a claim has been filed on that site. She’s overjoyed to find she has leverage to persuade Mining Boss to treat her and GG fairly, and ignore slurs used to push her down. She enjoys newfound comforts, but they do not last long. Now, she has powers beyond those she wields as a Voodoo Queen.

    Note: I’d rather separate out several interrelated elements (in sequence) to elevate them before revising the others based on having elevated only one. YMMV unless there is a specific reason to address the other elements each time you separate one out.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  David Shoenfeld. Reason: copy/paste format issues
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
    • Ed Lusk

      Member
      January 20, 2023 at 1:24 am

      Developing nicely David. Seems to me the heart of this story is a fish out of water tale. Your Voodoo Queen faces the challenges of surviving outside of her beloved New Orleans. Her physical journey takes her out west and her emotional journey is from a mystical queen to a mine owning benefactor. As you identified in elevating Second turning point, more antagonism and escalating was needed.

      Keeping making the VD the strongest character possible with her trying to solve bigger than life problems as cinema requires. I like the how she’s trying to stay to her true identity while adapting to her new life. Do whatever you can do to make these elements very hard to achieve and throw in plenty of twists ruthless antagonist will add to your already interesting story.

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