Lesson 2

[Angelina Fluehler]

As I mentioned before I designed my beat sheet so that each scene has a meaning and essential to contribute to the core’s story. I can explain why each particular scene is there!

I have several scenes on travel (boat, train, restaurant, private airplane) for several reasons: 1. entertainment, 2. for opening some sides of my main characters better and 3. of course, for the story’s core as the script contains global “JOURNEY”-theme.

However, I could also reduce the entertainment part and remove some of the scenes.

I revised those scenes today, as a result of the revision I improved the dialogs (there were few stupid repetitions or super simple things). There is no need of those scenes to be long. They should be there, but as short insights, they ALL should follow the same line. I also found an editing mistake that some parts were not structured into a separate scene and was part of the other scene.

As the scenes are about the entertainment I also improved the visual description in each of them as I was pointed out to it already. I introduced a third person to give a deeper meaning to one of them.

Here are few examples; I worked out more scenes of course.

Scene 1 Location:
Logline: they are on the boat and see his friend dying on the his cell phone
Essence They are on the run together

New Logline: They are on the run together in a meaningful way being on a “life” trip together.

INT./EXT. SPEEDBOAT – DAY

Terry and Charlotte stopped middle of the lake to see through the camera what happened. They are horrified.

CHARLOTTE

I am very sorry. I wish it would never have happened.

TERRY

(Turning his head towards hers)

This is one of my worst days.

He starts the engine and they jet towards another town on the other side of the lake.

Scene 2 Location:
Logline: they buy some items to wear as they have nothing with them
Essence They are on the run together

New Logline: —

THIS SCENE was removed as I DON’T HAVE TO SHOW all BORING details of how EXACTLY they manage their trip.

INT. TRAIN STATION SHOP – LATE AFTERNOON

In the train station of the neighboring town Terry and Charlotte buy train tickets and some spare clothes to look like a tourist couple that are travelling together. Charlotte buys jeans, a dress, T-shirts, and underwear.

Scene 3 Location:
Logline: they dining in restaurant wagon, they are on the run
Essence They are on the run together

New Logline: They are on the run together in a meaningful way being on a “life” trip together.

That is why I introduces a third person here, just another traveller to speak about the JOURNEY. I also removed the repetitions.

INT. ORIENT EXPRESS RESTAURANT WAGON – EVENING

Charlotte and Terry are sitting at the window table in an oriental restaurant wagon and having dinner. They are on the run, but in a romantic way. The train passes through national parks and Napa Valley of Western United states.

CHARLOTTE

So, what happens next?

I am sorry that I was not very talkative.

TERRY

I will get you out of the country and make sure you are safe.

CHARLOTTE

Where do we get out of the train?

TERRY

We will get off in Santa Barbara. My father and I have a small airplane there at a private airport. We can take it and fly you out of the country for a little while.

NEW VERSION:

INT. ORIENT EXPRESS RESTAURANT WAGON – EVENING

Charlotte and Terry are sitting at the window table in an oriental restaurant wagon and having dinner, some delicious starters are on the plates.

They are on the run, but in a romantic way. The train passes through national parks and Napa Valley of Western United states.

CHARLOTTE

Where do we get out of the train?

TERRY

We will get off in Santa Barbara. My father and I have a small airplane there at a private airport.

We can take it.

I fly you out of the country for a little while and make sure you are safe…

CHARLOTTE

Thank you for being with me, helping me and doing all that for me.

(On the table she is taking his hand)

You must know that I have never been in a situation like that in my whole life.

A TRAIN PASSENGER, main in late 70s dressed casually.

TRAIN PASSENGER

(Turning to them from a table across the aisle)

You are such a lovely couple. I am sorry for interrupting, but I would like to say something to you both.

CHARLOTTE

No worries, of course, go on…

TRAIN PASSENGER

(Partially while he is speaking we catch some landscapes out of the window)

I am a global trotter. One of the reasons I am on the train is to see the country we are going through. You just seat in a cart like this and look out the window, and watch different changes in vegetation, different trees in different country sides, the way the villages are set up, the way people have they houses set up, finding out whether they are working in a factory or what kind of car they are driving, find out what the country is really about, yes, that is what I want to do. To sleeping or eating, or conversing with somebody, or going out to a program I am happy just to seat right here and watch the world around!

I wish you a beautiful evening, but it is time for me to go to bed.

CHARLOTTE

Sure, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, have a good night.

He stands up and leaves. They are finishing the starters. A WAITER, late 20s, comes with delicious main dish demonstrating the upper class service.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Angelina Fluehler.

[Leah Gunderson]

Angelina,

Here is what I am learning from your posting:

The repetition of the line “They are on the run together” reminds me of the tagline in House (the TV Series with Hugh Laurie). In House, the tagline is “Everyone lies.” The writers take the story and characters to new levels in each episode by demonstrating different subtextual meanings for this repeated phrase. “Everyone lies” can mean “I hate you”, “I love you”, “I’m guilty”, and “You matter.” Depth comes from subtextual meanings.

You are showing that a repeated essence such as “They are on the run together” can come to mean much more than a continued circumstance of literally being on the run together. It reminds me of “Romancing the Stone” and “The Lost City”. In both stories, the heroes and the love interests are literally on the run together. However, “they are on the run together” progresses from meaning “I hate you” to “I love you” – which is what your scenes are doing.

So, I wonder if maybe the loglines ought to present the external, explicit, and repeated circumstance of plot and the essence could be reveals that change and build up the meaning to true love. For example, the logline of being on the run in a jungle while getting away from murders might reveal the essence of “I hate your guts, but I need you to survive right now.” The logline of being on the run in a local village with murders not far behind may reveal the essence of “I still hate you, but dang you’re hot.” And the logline of being on the run while trapping and exposing the murders could reveal the essence “My love! I’d rather die than live without you!”

It seems the essence needs to change if the story is to move to new levels even if the story’s plot is structured to keep throwing characters back into similar circumstances until they get it right.

Thanks for demonstrating this with you scene development. You’ve taught me something really valuable.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Leah Gunderson]

Leah Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is to really work my outlines. I can create independent outlines for concept (written and visual), story, character, situation, action, and dialogue until I am very clear about the essence of each track. This means I must truly comprehend the relationships between these tracks to create a substantial foundation for the script that is consistently riveted on the concept I promise to deliver to my audience.

After a foundation is structured beneath the surface, then it’s time to compose the scene list (not the scenes). For how I think, I’m finding myself creating new components and ideas that grow from this sorting and shuffling back and forth between the outlines and the scene list and what I thought was the concept. If I stay with the process, then each scene can begin to organically grow from many useful options with which to deliberately express specific aspects of the essence via essential scenes.

Script I choose: MinMin

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act 1
Logline: Ainsley, a beautiful Australian half-Aboriginal woman, is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and fears for her son’s future.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ainsley doubts she can offer a meaningful inheritance to her son.
New Logline: Ainsley stares at an MRI of her terminal brain tumor.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: Ainsley encounters the MinMin phenomenon
Essence I’ve discovered: Ainsley is spiritually awakened.
New Logline: MinMin transport Ainsley to a spiritual realm in which songlines are visible.

Scene 3 Location: Midpoint
Logline: Ainsley’s knows her dysfunctional family will destroy Oliver.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ainsley realizes the real cancer is a narcissistic family system.
New Logline: Ainsley begins teaching Oliver how to be independently healthy.

Scene 4 Location: Plot Point
Logline: Ainsley is willing to loose everything to gain everything for Oliver.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ainsley heals/releases all emotional traumas making her untouchable.
New Logline: Ainsley out maneuvers her duplicitous family by connecting with her songline and disconnecting from them.

Scene 5 Location: Closing Scene
Logline: Connecting Oliver with his songline is everything he needs for the rest of his life.
Essence I’ve discovered: Personal peace is the inheritance Ainsley gives to her son.
New Logline: Oliver is connected to his harmonious songline and he is protected in life even though his mother died.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Leah Gunderson]

2nd Post – Breakthrough

I believe the following is closer to the essence of this story.

It is just an idea spoken by a narrator (at least this is what I am hearing):

“In the Dreamtime, the creator appeared and raised vast lands from salt water. On solid earth dreams moved to and fro creating spirits for all things. One web of harmonious songlines connected all so that these beings could always find each other with appreciative understandings.

But when songlines are forgotten, many become strangers to themselves. Wanderers in lives overshadowed by competitions already lost to discord.”

In this story, the forlorn hero must overcome this estrangement caused by discord and remember who she is by reclaiming her songline in the web of life.

[Leah Gunderson]

3rd Post – Breakthrough

This is a creation myth.

Death by brain tumor involves hallucinations. The unique situation is that hallucinations can toy with spiritual phenomenon, gaslighting, and question maintaining authority of one’s narrative/reality AND narcissistic abuse does the same thing.

So, Ainsley must out think both hallucinations and narcissistic abuse even as she is literally losing her mind if she is to save her son.

Now I have a parallel construction at play. I think I found the string with which to pull the tension of the story! This isn’t the story nor is it the conflict. Just the story’s tension.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Susan Silver]

Hi Leah,

From what I can tell from your posts, the essence and message of our current scripts are similar. I wonder if you might like to chat about them? If so, you can reach me at susanjsilver@yahoo.com. 🙂

[Leah Gunderson]

4th Post – Breakthrough

It’s not a new ideas to me that my storytelling will be more powerful by knowing the relationships between the tracks, but I haven’t known how to do this. It is not just “weaving” and it is more than juxtapositions and more than building blocks. It is authentic. Authentic essence.

This breakthrough is perceiving that the essence of each track (story, characters, situations, action, etc.) with all of those scenes makes it possible to know and build “relationships” between the tracks. That why my recent discovery of how to pull the story’s tension is so important to me.

Of course, various genres and action have obvious relationships. A romcom (genre) isn’t going to start with a femme fatal murdering (action) the love interest – no “meet cute” after that! But now I understand better how to use poetic elements such as meter, tension, character traits, etc. as relational epoxies the require the tracks to get tighter and tighter until it is inevitable that either the story will overcome the protag or the protag will overcome the story.

In other word, the subtleties just may very well be in the relationships between the tracks (embedded in the story structure) giving impactful places for story tension, tone, character traits, cadence, and essence to live and breath into subtext while the larger elements are blatantly doing their jobs. Not really sure how to articulate this, but I know this is what I have needed. It seemed out of reach before and has really been a quandary to me. Now it very simple and clear. Hard. . . still hard to do. But not overwhelming because I can see it and feel it.

I think these “relationships” between the tracks is what makes “The Hunger Games” and Handmaid’s Tale” solid stories that have to be told as movies. I realize these are novels. But what I mean is these scripts were written in ways that these scripts have to be movies and nothing else.

For example, the anodyne game show host asks the anodyne game maker (visual situation) what makes his work standout and immediately we hear terror in a scream (auditory situation)! That is a relationship between the two tracks that is used for the entire series – what we see doesn’t match what we are hear (aka nothing is as it seems). This relationship creates subtext and it is the string that teases the tension throughout all of the movies.

Or with Handmaid, euphemisms such as “Praise be” (dialogue) relentlessly throws punches before and after bloody violence (genre, action). Again this is not a one time juxtaposition or a ploy. It is the essence of the relation between dialogue and genre/action for the entire series. So, when in the last episode Serena decides upon a smile and warmly asks “You got a diaper?”, June’s intensity makes sense and we know why June is cringing with suppressed rage. Dialogue is polite; action is volatile. The relationship between the dialogue and the action is consistent throughout the series and this relationship is the string that pulls the tension. It’s not the conflict. It is more like the test of how many abusive hits a beam can take before it breaks. Its the visceral tension and it is written via the relationship established between the function of the dialogue and the genre/action.

I am on to something and I know it (although I’m sure many of you have already figured this out). The tracks – at the structural level – must have relationships that exist because of their essence and these tracks must be driven by the needed expressions of their essence.

Now I just need to take a month off from work to practice this.

Anyone want to donate vacation time?

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Rodger Plack]

Finding the Essence

What I learned is to take a step back and look at the whole scene. Then ask myself what am I trying to achieve in this scene. What is the takeaway for the audience?

Scene 1

Location: Roadside

Logline: Solley pulls into town and calls back home.

Essence: Solley already misses home and wonders if she made a mistake. She is nervous and second-guessing. She has left the people she realizes for support.

New logline: Solley pulls into town and calls Gretchen for support and affirmation.

Scene 2

Location: Diner

Logline: Solley has dinner with Drew.

Essence: Solley finds out that things are quite a bit different in Deerfield. She is an outsider trying to fit in. She has a conflict with her convictions.

New logline: Solley learns her way of life makes her an outcast in her new surroundings.

Scene 3

Location: Principals office

Logline: Solley finds out she is not hired after all.

Essence: Solley’s past will not let go. She has changed on the outside but is she the same still on the inside? Solley is quick to jump to conclusions and not get the whole story before proceeding forward.

New Logline: Solley’s past is haunting her and keeping her from creating a future.

Scene 4

Location: Trailer/phone call

Logline: Solley gives up on her adventure

Essence: Solley is on her own. She realizes she has to do things without help.

New logline: Solley looks to Gretchen for support but realizes she has been holding her back from her own life.

Scene 5

Location: Bar Downtown

Logline: Solley gets into an accident.

Essence: Solley has demons she does not realize. They are affecting her and hurting the people around her.

New Logline: Solley’s life is about to take a drastic change as she causes tragedy.

[Leah Gunderson]

Rodger,

Got it – look at whole scene for audience’s takeaway. Thx.

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Lynn Puts Essence to Work

What I’ve learned is finding the essence, even if it’s difficult and I’m not sure I got it, really helps in figuring out how to improve at least certain scenes.

Also, I added another requirement for myself, Elevated Comedy, since this is my first Rom-Com, and the discovered essence helped this pursuit.

As I commented earlier, right after doing Assignment 1 I got contest notes saying my intro was not good, and by finding the essence at that point it helped my rewrite the first 2 scenes (which I had thought was impossible before).

===============================

My script I choose: WEATHERING IT (rom-com): Two college students struggle to overcome family fights about global warming, then try to get married during the worst ever Texas freeze.

Scene 1 Location: First scene
Logline: Introduction with shots of the Rio Grande Valley, including an oil jack and oil-covered bird [not very exciting, no dialogue]
Essence I’ve discovered: Introduce the audience to the movie and draw them in
New Logline: Introduction with footage of eco-harms–floods, hurricanes, wildfires, oil rig explosion–ending with obnoxious ad-jingle type music over the explosion and a VO to cut that [this shows it involves eco-issues, but it’s a comedy; indications that it’s set in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas are moved to the following 2 scenes]
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Elevated Humor: The jingle music at the end and VO

Scene 2 Location: Second scene
Logline: The environmental club is prepping an Eco-Horror Show video for Halloween
Essence I’ve discovered: The environmental club is failing from harsh university restrictions and too few members
New Logline: The environmental club, down to a few members, must conceal that they’re producing a video about serious eco-problems.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Elevated Humor: When a member asks where’s Gecko and Ellie says doing an interview with Columbia, Javi (the videographer) gets excited it’s Columbia Pictures, then disappointed it’s Columbia University.

Scene 3 Location: p. 28 of a 109 page script (2 scenes before Act 2)
Logline: Ellie avoids Jim [after he had kissed her in a previous “cute meet” scene] — no words in this scene
Essence I’ve discovered: Ellie doesn’t want involvement with Jim, who is determined to succeed with her
New Logline: When Ellie avoids Jim, Mack teases him about not getting her, but he says he nearly made it.
Elevated Humor: Jim starts to wave at Ellie, then when she turns down another path in an obvious avoidance, he retracts his wave. And Mack says “Not even the foothills,” using subtext metaphor from an earlier scene when he bet Jim he’d freeze to death before reaching summit on Mt. Everest; Jim replies, “I got to the foothills, Man, but guess I slid back down.”

Scene 4 Location: p. 28 (one scene before Act 2)
Logline: Jim attends the Environmental Club meeting to snare Ellie, but arrives late so she won’t suspect he dated Jen.
Essence I’ve discovered: The club presents the serious Arctic methane outgassing issue, but Jim doesn’t find out about that until much later; Ellie again brushes Jim off because she doesn’t want anyone hurt.
New Logline: Jim attends the Environmental Club meeting to snare Ellie, but arrives late so she won’t suspect he dated Jen and he misses the methane outgassing issue. [Note I changed the 2nd eco-issue to microplastics, which could have been about anything, so logline is basically the same, but more humor added].
Elevated Humor: The slide changes to sexy women in fashion clothes and they talk about microplastics from laundering synthetic materials bioaccumulating up to humans causing health effects, and a member says a college donor is opening a synthetic clothing factory, to which Ellie says, “Just when we thought we had a university-safe issue… “ Jim enters then with, “Wow, a fashion show or what.”

Scene 5 Location: p. 75 (part of “All is Lost” scenes in Act 3 in 4-act structure)
Logline: They plan their wedding, but Jim regrets taking Ellie away from Layo’s alt energy invention work and feels he won’t be able to dissuade his uncle from the Arctic project.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ellie buds hope in her new mission to help Jim scuttle the Arctic drilling project, while Jim falls into eco-despair (role reversal)
New Logline: While Jim despairs of taking Ellie away from her work with Layo and their ability to get his Uncle Fred to scuttle the Arctic drilling project, Ellie buds hope in this new mission.
…[[Note: a major weakness of the story has been how Ellie has so easily changed from her plan to help Layo on his off-grid ranch to marrying Jim, but finding the essence helps correct this: I bring in here how she has come to realize that stopping Fred is much more important than helping Layo, who anyway refuses to spread his ideas and she says would be much more difficult to change than Fred. In other words, she loves Jim, but she also realizes a very important mission she has with him to save the earth.]]
Elevated Humor: The scene ends with:

JIM: That old crank needs you, Ellie. His inventions are great. Your writing is super. You’re a team.

ELLIE: Frankly, Jim, I think Uncle Layo is much more difficult to change than your Uncle Fred. We’ll do great and better things together. We’re an eco-warrior team. Right?

JIM: If you say so. I guess.

ELLIE: Not that we won’t keep trying to change ole Uncle Layo AND Uncle Fred, those obstinate dangety-dangs.

JIM: If that’s the extent of your profanity, Lady, I can teach you a few things.

They laugh, couple hands. Ellie buds hope, but Jim drifts apart as he falls back into despair.

[Leah Gunderson]

Lynn,

Got it – always possible to improve a scene via essence.

[Joy Smith]

Hi Lynn!

I write romcoms too – love your concept! No doubt it will be an amazing script by the end of this course. Can’t wait to watch it!

[Brenda Boddy]

BRENDA BODDY- Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is…this was super hard. I went through and every scene had a purpose…for the story line I’ve written.

The idea for the pilot is an old-fashioned John Wayne sort of personality working as a lawman on our current Southern border. However, there is so much settling into this new life, that there is very little ability in the story for him to be working as an agent yet. I feel like my logline for the pilot and the arc of the season are very different.

Script I choose: Border Justice

Scene 1 Location: I chose to look at my concept first…
Logline: A moral Texas Ranger from a century ago, reincarnates into the body of a corrupt Border Patrol agent who has an abused bi-racial family who is trying to escape him, ultimately teaming with a partner, and arresting the son of the Mexican Cartel. Essence I’ve discovered: My B story and C story had beginnings and middles, but no definitive ending. I added in those, leaving the logline the same.

Scene 2 Location: INT. BAR – NIGHT
Logline: Justice and his partner need to find a way to communicate and get through to his family who just tried to poison him. Essence I’ve discovered: The scene has a point to it, but I felt it was boring, even though it ended with a bar fight. I took out lines of beginning dialogue to shorten the scene…start late and end early. New Logline: Justice and Mason have drinks to figure out a game plan, when a customer gets rough with the female bartender, causing Justice, with his old-fashioned views on how to treat a lady, to get into a fist fight.

Scene 3 Location: INT. JUSTICE’S HOUSE -NIGHT
Logline: Samantha sets out to poison Justice, has second thoughts, and knocks the glass from his hand.
Essence I’ve discovered: This scene shows Samantha’s desperation to get rid of Justice. After years of abuse to his family I felt that her having second thoughts didn’t ring true, so I just left her poisoning Justice. New Logline: Samantha poisons Justice, watches in horror as he reacts to the poison, and then is freaked out when he ‘appears’ to come back to life.

Scene 4 Location:CONCEPT (I already did this above, but now I’m trying to hone in on my idea, instead of fixing my story line.)
Logline: An old fashioned law officer has to learn to fight crime on the border in modern America
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a fish out of water story that starts from Justice waking up in his new body and discovering who he is now and how to act. He looks at things with old fashioned morals, so it’s not just learning how to act, but he thinks differently and has a different set of values.
New Logline: A moral Texas ranger attempts to learn how to act and bond with a bi-racial family after reincarnating into a corrupt Border Patrol agent.

Scene 5 Location: Character
Logline: A Texas lawman, from a hundred years ago, reincarnates into the body of a modern Border Patrol agent.
Essence I’ve discovered: As a human, this man’s sole intention is getting back to the son he left in the past. The journey he is on in this new body is temporary in his mind until he finds a way home.
New Logline: A Texas lawman, from a hundred years ago, is desperate to get back to his son, after reincarnating into the body of a corrupt Border Patrol agent.

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

This is interesting — we’re both doing border stories, but very different. For some reason since I live in the Lower Rio Grande Valley and love it I can only think of positive and humorous stories, like my rom-com above. And TEJANO BRIGADOON, a musical in the idea stage. I sort of buried it when they were taking babies away from their parents and locking them up… not such a “magic valley” during those days. Now I’m rethinking it again.

But most border stories do fit the crime-type, like yours…. No Country for Old Men, and the earlier Wayne movies, etc.

[Leah Gunderson]

Brenda,

Got it – The story line’s purpose may miss the essence and put many story elements out of alignment making it impossible to deliver on the story’s promise/logline.

[Jack Sherry]

Jack Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is to think about essence with every scene

Script I choose: Sailboat Bay

Scene 1 Location: Turning Point Act 1
Logline: Sara learns the reason why she inherited her boss’s condo is that he is her father.

Purpose of the Scene: To end Act One with a big reveal, the reason why Sara inherited her boss; condo

Essence I’ve discovered: The essence of Sara and her mother’s relationship was based on familiarity, now it will based on trust.

New Logline: Sara learns her mother had been lying to her about who her father was for 30 years.

Scene 2 Location: Beginning of Act 2.
Logline: Sara and Thatcher discuss learning they are half-siblings

Purpose of this scene – to establish our two protagonists as newly-discovered family

Essence I’ve discovered: Thatcher, who complains all the girls he likes treat him like a brother, is now glad to actually be one.

New Logline: Sara and Thatcher become bonded as family.

Scene 3 Location: Midpoint Turning Point

Logline: Thatcher discovers he isn’t related to Sara

Essence I’ve discovered: This story is about family and trust
New Logline: Thatcher learns his mother has been lying to him all his life

Scene 4 Location: All is Lost scene

Logline: Corruption wins when the permit to destroy the condo is issued

Essence I’ve discovered: Even this scene deals with family
New Logline: Sara must deal with her failure, including her relationship with Thatcher

Scene 5 Location: Final Scene

Logline: Thatcher and Sara give in to each other

Essence I’ve discovered: Sara’s transformation into someone who has learned to love the bay also includes the desire for her own family

New Logline: Sara and Thatcher decide to start their own family

[Leah Gunderson]

Jack,

Got it – Essence for every scene. And for some reason you posting made me think about the relationship between locations (such as the condo or wherever) for plot and locations (act 1, etc.) for story structure. I think this needs to be meaningfully aligned.

[Beth Zurkowski]

Jack this is an interesting story. I believe you found the essence.

[Beth Zurkowski]

Beth Zurkowski Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is to think deeper of my story.

Script I choose: The Shade Riders and the Dreadful Ghosts

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of first act.
Logline: Nova and her
friends are sitting down eating in school cafeteria and they discuss
the ghosts bothering students.
Essence I’ve discovered: They
discuss a pirate ghost that hurt someone they believe. Essence of
situation.
New Logline: Ghosts can be dangerous.

Scene 2 Location: Library scene first act
Logline: Nova and
Takeesha try out the Ouija board and get unexpected results. Nova
gets pulled around the library by a ghostly force taking her to books
of knowledge.
Essence I’ve discovered: Can the force be
controlled? Essence of action.
New Logline: Nova and Takeesha are
not shocked by the ghostly presence, they want to get in contact
again.

Scene 3 Location: act 1 in hallway with bullies
Logline: Nova
is alone and Brenda and Annie start beating her up. Benny and Max Kim
come to her rescue using a R.C. Auto-giro.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Nova’s friends help her get away from her bullies
because the boys chase them off. Essence of character.
New
Logline: Even though Benny is in wheelchair he is a hero.

Scene 4 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: Nova and her sister
Wilha fight over the king-size bed at night.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Wilha reads scary stories that she ends up kicking Nova
out of bed. Essence of character.
New Logline: Nova sleeps on the
floor or couch when Wilha reads a spooky story.

Scene 5 Location: Beginning of 2^nd act
Logline:
English teacher is harassed by a mob of ghosts in her classroom
because she still practices science.
Essence I’ve discovered:
Nova didn’t know she had it in her to make the ghosts disappear.
Essence of story.
New Logline: Nova has magic ability to fight
ghosts.

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[Leah Gunderson]

Brenda,

Got it – Sit with story with new eyes, new heart, and think more deeply.

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is:

THE PROCESS makes a difference. And Hal is right. Finding the Essence is elusive, frightening, and hard work! But It does work.

My choice of script is one I’m still working on. – This is Act 1, as of 5-7-23 and then 5-13-23.

CAFÉ

Story Essence: Genuine love: The cure for overpowering loneliness – and broken, battered lives.

Tentative Story Logline: A lonely, aging doctor meets an abused and aging waitress. They fall in love, but she is an undocumented alien, already sham-married and trapped by a net of damning immigration laws with no apparent way out.

I’m using the Logline-generating formula suggested by Karl Williams via Final Draft’s Big Break Contest on March 29, 2023.

P+W, B—O=L

Protagonist + Want, BUT — Obstacle = Logline

If you don’t know who the Protagonist is, that’s a problem.

If you don’t know what the Protagonist WANT is, that’s a problem.

If you don’t know what the Obstacle is, that’s a problem.

There were no loglines or formal Essence statements a week ago. I added in some rough ideas during Lesson 1 and modified them with this Lesson 2.

Scene 1 Location: Outside the Café, Scene 1

Logline: There’s a big hole in Jake’s life, and he’s troubled by it.

Essence: Jake’s consuming loneliness.

New Logline: Jake yearns for the close human companionship he’s grown to love, but his wife is dead, and the world seems monotonously dead, too.

Scene 2 Location: The Café. Scene 2

Logline: Jake is as pleased with Raisa as he is angered by Ian/Bubba.

Essence: Raisa’s “hope button” is pushed.

New Logline: An abused and weary waitress meets a customer who instills new hope and self-respect, but her boss seeks to keep her in line.

Scene 3 Location: The Café, Scene 6

Logline: Their use of opportunity takes them to an entirely new place — a new set of opportunities

Essence: For Raisa, out of love, Jake, a skilled surgeon, lowers himself to a janitor to try and help her deal with her miserable, punishing boss.

New Logline: The still mysterious doctor lowers himself to a janitor and fry-cook to help save the cafe’s waitress from her boss, but will he appreciate the effort?

Scene 4 Location: The Café, Scene 9

Logline: Jake and Raisa run into their first rough spot with Bubba, and Jake decides to take a solid stand… and Raisa follows, but Jake perhaps overplays his role, and Bubba reacts.

Essence: For the love of Raisa, Jake is forced to take a no-holds-barred stance against Ian/Bubba.

New Logline: In an enraged response to the fear of exposure, the cafe owner sinks a chef’s knife into the customer’s belly. It has the exact opposite effect.

Scene 5 Location: The Café, Scene 10

Logline: The world has suddenly changed for Bubba, Jake, Raisa, and by implication, Nadia, leaving questions of what next. This is Raisa’s moment.

Essence: Raisa discovers she’s in love with Jake.

New Logline: In the wake of a near tragedy, the cafe’s waitress discovers her love for the determined customer who has survived her boss’s stabbing of him, but the bittersweet truth about her is about to become public.

[Leah Gunderson]

Alfred Gene,

I agree. My interest in this course is to get really solid feedback towards specific components that can improve my creative process.

This is why I am so enthusiastic to read and commenting on everyone’s postings. I am learning so much from this.

AND what I didn’t expect is that I am actually composing my own “Notes” to which I can refer to improve my current scripts and to use after the class is over so that I can rely on myself to know how to improve future scripts.

So, I am truly grateful for the wonderful writers in this group. Such a positive experience and just what I have needed.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Yanni Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that two wildly different scenes can fulfill the same essence. It is extremely difficult to pinpoint the true essence of a scene–there can be so many different options, but it takes interrogating your own work to distill the true essence.

Script I choose: UNTITLED HORROR FEATURE

Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene
Logline: Avi is masturbating in his bedroom when he is interrupted by his siblings fighting, which leads to him catching his dad cheating on his mom.
Essence I’ve discovered: Not only is this scene the root of his trauma, it also must set the rules for the imminent supernatural danger (ie the villain.)
New Logline: Avi is secretly studying a forbidden religious text which explains the origins of a supernatural entity when he is interrupted by his siblings fighting. His mother goes into labor, and he catches his father cheating on her with his patient.

Scene 2 Location: Near Beginning of Act 1
Logline: Avi and his boyfriend are at brunch with their friends and they discuss his strained relationship with his family.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s crucial that we show Avi’s fatal character flaw, which is that he hasn’t forgiven his family for his childhood trauma.
New Logline: Avi is counseling a patient at the LGBTQ Health Center and tells them that “not everyone deserves your forgiveness.” Avi states the essence of the film, which is that he has to learn forgiveness for his family, as well as for himself.

Scene 3 Location: Little before Act 2
Logline: Avi and his boyfriend, Ben, drive to his mother’s funeral talking about the rules of the formal mourning process to come after the funeral.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ben has to understand why Avi is so hesitant to go to the funeral, so that their own relationship is on solid ground, before they have to deal with the supernatural entity together.

New Logline: Avi and his boyfriend, Ben, drive to his mother’s funeral talking about the rules of the formal mourning process to come after the funeral. Avi explains the reasons why his family doesn’t deserve to know Ben, even though Ben wants to support Avi during the funeral and mourning process.

Scene 4 Location: Right before Act 2
Logline: At the funeral, Avi’s sister convinces him to join them for the formal mourning process. He begrudgingly agrees to stay and participate in the rest of the formal mourning, because it was his mother’s dying wish.

Essence I’ve discovered: At the funeral, Avi realizes that there is more bonding him to his siblings than separating him from them, so he agrees to stay and participate in the rest of the formal mourning.
New Logline: Even though Avi is not ready to forgive his family, he is willing to step into the fire to rekindle his connection with his siblings.

Scene 5 Location: Right before Act 3
Logline: After the death of their father, the siblings finally believe Avi’s assertion that there is a demon in the house.
Essence I’ve discovered: Now that the four siblings have experienced this together, they are united again in their mourning.
New Logline: Following the death of their father, the four siblings bond over the extent of their common experience. Forced to get over their differences, they must unite to defeat the demon.

[Leah Gunderson]

Yanni,

I agree and here is what I am learning from your posting.

It seems to me that the reason extremely different scenes can have the same essence is because in solid stories there are specific story elements that are set to compete with each other. These “voices”, if you will, are going to sound wildly different even if they are expressing the same essence.

Which voices will win? It is up to the writer and villain. As writers, we are acting upon the protag along with the villain and we are acting upon the villain along with the protag. So, as writer we must truly understand our own story structures and know why and how these identify and express the essence.

I’m going to remember this and I wouldn’t have thought of it without your comments.

Thx.

[Terry Hicks]

Creative Mastery Lesson 2 Assignment

Terry Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… When my scene’s essence is tied to the main character’s transformational arc then the scene’s purpose becomes more powerful.

My Current Re-Write Script: “Lost & Found”

Scene 1 Location: Act 1
Logline: Charlie and her dog Max open the day at her glass repair shop.
Essence I’ve discovered: Friends are only temporary respites from grief.
New Logline: Charlie catalogs the Park’s antique glass repair needs with Riley and Shelea help until they leave to play in a Lacrosse tournament sponsored by her glass repair Shop.

Scene 2-5 choices: continue as a work in progress while I move on to Lesson 3.

[Leah Gunderson]

Ugh! Cliff hanger, Terry! LOL

[Terry Hicks]

HaHa!

[Leah Gunderson]

Terry,

Got it – Connect a scene’s essence with the protag’s transformational arc.

[Jeremy Cooke]

Jerry Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that each scene should have a clear objective in advancing the story.

Script I choose: The Lighthouse Keeper’s Wife

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/e2hnxz4odqqln9w/The%20Lighthouse%20Keepers%20Wife%20v0.pdf?dl=0)

Scene 1 Location:

Logline: On Xmas Eve Ezra leaves his snug berth at the lighthouse to spring a surprise visit to his loving family.

Essence: A loving Ezra calls unexpectedly home bearing gifts.

New Logline: Ezra arrives home unexpectedly.

Scene 3 Location:

Logline: Ezra finds his new wife canoodling with s young man.

Essence: Ezra’s world is shattered when he finds his wife being unfaithful.

New Logline: Ezra finds out that the warning from his friends about his new wife were true.

Scene 4 Location:

Logline: Pursuing his wife’s lover his new family are killed.

Essence: In a red rage Exra pursues his wife’s lover in exclusion to all else.

New Logline: In a rage Ezra ignores the fire and pursues his wife’s lover leaving his wife and child to their fate.

Scene 9 Location:

Logline: The Doctor welcomes Emma and her son into his home.

Essence: Emma and her son are warned the house has its secrets.

New Logline: Emma and her son learn that the Doctor’s hospitality has its limits.

Scene 10 Location:

Logline: At dinner Emma and the Doctor [play happy families.

Essence: The Doctor seems to regard Emma as more than a housekeeper.

New Logline: At Dinner the Doctor charms Emma and treats her more that family than as a servant.

[Leah Gunderson]

Jeremy,

Here is what I’ll remember from your posting:

Each scene must have one clear objective that advances the story. This advancement must be driven by the relationship between the story’s essence and the scene’s essence.

[Jo Nickel]

Lesson 2

Jo Puts Essence to Work

What I Learned: It is more difficult to find the Essence in your own script than on a script written by someone else. This is a difficult task but it surely improved my scenes.

Script I Chose: “Justice For All” It is a historical western (1894) based upon a true story

Scene 1 Location: Lester’s Livery—p. 22

Logline: The Sweeney boy is beaten by Hendrix Akin & Darr, Scott’s cronies

Essence I’ve Discovered: The good ole boy, Barrett Scott, reveals his dark side

New Logline: Scott oversees the beating of the Sweeney boy because his father has not repaid the loan he secured courtesy of Scott’s generosity

Scene 2 Location: County Treasurer’s Office—p. 14

Logline: Paddock pauses briefly to read Scott’s name and title on Scott’s open door and tips his hat to Scott on his way to the County Attorney’s office

Essence I’ve Discovered: Scott is frightened of Paddock

New Logline: Scott, looking out his window, sees Paddock, then hears him coming up the stairs so he rushes to close and lock his door, turns off the light and hides behind the open vault door

Scene 3 Location: Holt County Court Room–p. 19

Logline: Scott’s treasury shortage is revealed by Murphy

Essence I’ve Discovered: Scott’s biggest fears have come to fruition

New Logline: County Attorney Murphy calls for Scott’s impeachment

Scene 4 Location: Holt County Courthouse Steps—p. 24

Logline: Scott emerges to an angry crowd and looks for a quick escape route

Essence I’ve Discovered: Scott is a politician first, husband and father second

New Logline: Scott delivers the campaign speech of his life, wins over the crowd and guides his wife and daughter back into the building

Scene 5 Location: Scottville School—p. 41

Logline: Darr and Akin find Scott is short of votes

Essence I’ve Discovered: Scott must win the election so he has the chance to collect monies or cook the books to clear himself of embezzlement charges

New Logline: Scott arrives at the School and helps Darr and Akin burn the ballots against Scott

[Leah Gunderson]

Jo,

I agree.

A writer has to get out of his or her own way. I think is why having writing processes is so critical to professional writing. The processes can do the heavy lifting even if I’m having a crappy day or finding myself voting for some serious writer’s block so I can go camping.

[Bernadine Okoro]

Bernadine puts Essence to Work

What I learned is it takes time to perfect the skill of finding the ‘essence” and then transferring this skill into your own work when starting out for the first time. I will have to train myself to pick out scenes, dialogue etc to practice and experiment with to jumpstart this process. Otherwise, my mind may stay with the illusion that there is nothing more than can done with the scene/dialogue/ story. So, for me, it helps if I assume the role of someone independent; and observe material from a detached POV. So I can give myself a way to start.

Script I choose – The Advocate

Scene 1 Location: INT. Conference Room

Logline: A chubby but cheery linebacker built Terrance Hawkins introduces a posh, expensive suit wearing Julius Kincaid while several staffers look on indifferently and with curiosity.

Essence I discovered: This is a political move. Terrence is out. Julius is in. Terrance has to show a united front and that he is ok, but he is seething. The staff ain’t buying the act.

New Logline: A chubby but cheery linebacker built Terrance Hawkins struggles to diplomatically concede to Julius Kincaid at the podium. Hawkins’ former staff loyalties are just as divided down to their seat arrangements.

Scene 2 Location: INT. Ida B Wells PCS Classroom

Logline: Six quotes are now posters vying for wall space and door space around the classroom.

Essence I discovered: The six quotes are voices on the wall that make people think. When it is read or spoken. Why are they laid out in the classroom like seasonal decorations that people stop noticing? They have blended into the environment and now need to wake up.

New Logline: Six 3D graphic style quotes protrude inconveniently around the walls and doors of the classroom forcing everyone who enters and exits to take notice. As Dr. Mughelli speaks, she challenges students to see these quotes with fresh eyes.

Scene 3 Location: INT. 24 -HR Convenience Mart

Logline: Dr. Morenike Mughelli goes inside to get some coffee, snacks and to fill up her gas tank. She bumps into Julius Kincaid in the drink aisle who asks for her help.

Essence I discovered: Julius is drowning, overwhelmed by his new “posh” position, that he pursues the nearest convenience mart for junk food. He encounters his middle school best friend and former teammate, now Dr. Morenike Mughelli whose expertise he discovers he needs.

New Logline: Morenike pulls into the gas station and ventures into the convenience mart. Julius, drowning and overwhelmed by work, pursues comfort food when he recognizes Morenike, his middle school best friend and former team mate, now all grown up. He discovers that she has expertise that he needs on his new team.

Scene 4 Location: INT. Kincaid’s Kitchen

Logline: Julius washes dishes as his wife, Cynthia discloses that Julius needs to talk to their daughter, Jacynthia. Julius rattles off his punch list.

Essence I discovered: Cynthia initiates her own parental conference when she discloses to Julius that Jacynthia, their daughter is maladjusting. Julius tries to rattle off his punch list but Cynthia asserts executive power.

New Logline: Julius washes dishes when his wife, Cynthia discloses that Jacynthia, their daughter, is maladjusting. When Julius tries to escape by rattling off his punch list, Cynthia asserts executive power.

Scene 5 Location: INT. Television Station – WDOM

Logline: Stella Kodjoe reports on anxiety during the holiday on her overactive bladder (OAB) segment.

Essence I discovered: Stella has to make the “puff’ and “light” pieces work just as well as her Impact human interest pieces.

New Logline: Stella Kodjoe reports on overactive bladder, OAB; its causes, its symptoms and tips on how to manage OAB during the holidays.

[Leah Gunderson]

Bernadine,

I like your split-personality approach. LOL

But seriously, we do have to be able to objectively walk a mile in the shoes of each of our characters. This way when we don’t like a character, we are a mile away and we her shoes when we can gossip about her bunions and all the reason why she is non-essential!

I agree that my creating and editing personalities are very different – and I need them at different times to fulfill different purposes. It seems to me that the balance between the two has to do with writing processes that allow me to stay whole while writing up stories that don’t have a bunch of holes and problems.

I think you are identifying a process.

[Brian Walsh]

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Brian
G. Walsh puts essence to work.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>What
I’ve learned is that these scenes were too “on-the-nose” and
lacked subtlety. A more nuanced approach is much more effective and
more powerful. People rarely say exactly what they are thinking. The
dialogue being “on-the-nose” also reflected poorly on the essence
of the characters because it wasn’t unique to them and could have
been spoken by anyone.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
1 Location: Outside new schoolhouse
Logline: Police detective is
wrong in his belief that a wolf killed these people.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Local historian is obsessed with proving he is right.
New
Logline: Local historian learns police detective will not listen to
him, even with evidence because he cannot think outside the box.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
2 Location: Boston Globe newspaper offices
Logline: Reporter Jim
Lewis sacrifices the story of his journalistic career in order to
accompany his wife back to France to bury her mother.
Essence I’ve
discovered: A former soldier, Jim doesn’t like his wife’s family and
is only doing this out of a sense of obligation. His motivations
aren’t pure and he resents his wife for having to lose this
story.
New Logline: Jim is embittered towards his wife for her
parents getting killed right when he is about to break the story of
his career.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
3 Location: Jim & Chantal Lewis’ house
Logline: Jim apologizes
to Henri and finds historical reference to there being a unique wolf
in this area.
Essence I’ve discovered: Jim is beginning to see
his guilt in his poor relationship with his wife and stepson and
starting to accept that there is more to the death of his
mother-in-law than meets the eye.
New Logline: Jim realizes he’s
been selfish and close-minded and tries to accept points of view
other than his own.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
4 Location: Marquette Farm
Logline: Jim overhears his wife and
stepson talking about the way he treats them.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Jim realizes how his wife and stepson really feel about
him.
New Logline: Jim is shocked to learn how his stepson doesn’t
feel loved by him and by much he has disappointed his wife but that
she still loves him.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
5 Location: Marquette Pasture</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Logline:
Tibault dismisses Duchesne’s belief that the attacking animal is not
a normal wolf.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Essence:
Duchesne must prove his claim and is willing to risk his life to do
it.</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>New
Logline: Duchesne steers Tibault into allowing him to act as bait to
set a trap.</font></font></font>

[Leah Gunderson]

Brian,

Here is what I am learning from your post:

Subtleties and nuances must spring from unique essence if they are to be unique.

I think this is why it is delightful to hear Dr. Emmett Brown exclaim, “Great Scot!” Anyone hearing Christopher Lloyd shout, “Great Scot!” immediately thinks of Back to the Future and knows that something significant has been discovered by this unconventional, mad scientist.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Anna Burroughs Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… Out of five scenes, I feel like I genuinely had breakthroughs with two of these essence-wise, and it forced me to do more research into a third scene that has opened up more possibilities. Given more time, I hope to come up with something better for all five of these scenes.

Script I choose: Archangel, s.5, Ep. 1; s.5, Ep. 4, and s.5 Ep. 8

Scene 1 Location: Crash-site, Earth

• Logline: A distraught father vows to get his son back from the devil.
• <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Essence I’ve discovered: When the gods fail, it’s time to dig deeper and do it yourself.
• New Logline: When the gods fail, it’s time to dig deeper and do it yourself.

Scene 2 Location: F.O.B. Ugarit

• Logline: Pareesa is captured by the Sata’anic soldiers.
• Essence I’ve discovered: Fate has a sense of humor.
• New Logline: After being captured by the enemy, a teenage soldier must curry favor by learning how to wield feminine wiles.

Scene 3 Location: Diplomatic flagship “Prince of Tyre”

• Logline: Jamin shows Gita his mother’s “wish box.”
• Essence I’ve discovered: Disparate folks are often drawn to each other due to fate.
• New Logline: A favored son enlists help from the lowest person from his village to unravel the mystery of why their planet has become ground-zero for an intra-galactic war.

Scene 4 Location: Badiyat al-Hasham (desert)

• Logline: Pareesa is killed during the Battle of Kish
• Essence I’ve discovered: Before you run off half-cocked, you must overcome potential allies’ reservations so you aren’t left standing alone.
• New Logline: Bravery alone will not win the war.

Scene 5 Location: Gehenna

• Logline: Lucifer triggers Tiamet’s trap.
• Essence I’ve discovered: To defeat the devil, you have to make strange alliances.
• New Logline: You can’t defeat evil because you hate it, but because you wish to protect something you love even more.

[Leah Gunderson]

Anna,

Here is what I am remembering from your posting:

Writing takes time (I just rechecked my vacation time and I STILL cannot take off for a month).

So, what’s a writer to do? My goal in taking this course isn’t just to improve a script. It is to learn better creative processes towards creative mastery. I want to know the storytelling craft better. And I want to know how I can use this craft over and over again for many great stories.

So, yes, writing does take time. But more time doesn’t always equate to improved writing. However, better writing processes may make writing take less time and can even improve the quality of the writing.

Ok. I’m remembering this as a commitment because I can’t use my vacation time now because I want to take my son to the beach in August. Answer? I gotta get better writing processes in ways that I can be my own source of great writing.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Don’t overthink it. Perfection is the enemy (trust me, I know this first-hand). Just scribble out some word-vomit, sleep on it, and then give it a quick tweak before you post it to the forum. If you fall behind, you fall behind. If it sucks, so what? That’s why you’re taking a class. What’s important is to keep plugging along … and read the other responses as you learn a lot from what different people get out of it. You are NOT going to get a completed script out of this class. What you MIGHT get is to fall in love with your characters and iron some bug out of your plot.

[Leah Gunderson]

Great advice, Anna 🙂

[Roger Tribble]

Roger Puts Essence to Work

What I learned — The need to look beneath the scene itself — what essence is reveled.

Kali’s Death Song

Scene ONE: (pg2)

<font face=”inherit”>Location — Secure office </font>in Corporate building.

LOG LINE: Character 1 (Dr Born) is ordered to a meeting to answer for the catastrophic release of virulent mutated Prion particles attacking both biological and physical objects.

ESSENCE: I’ve Discovered– Scientist is being setup to take the blame for Corporate’s mistakes. .He is terrified as his family is in danger if he does not do exactly as ordered.

NEW LOGLINE– Corporate is looking for scapegoats to cover their catastrophic failure to contain a new, mutated and horrifying Prion release.

SCENE TWO: Outside Corporate Humvee — small clearing enclosed by Granite cliffs on 3 sides. Three security guards have carried a medicated Dr. Born outside to get him into the secure Lab. The one exit road is on other side of electrified fence. Thick forest borders the group.

LOG LINE: Terrified guards have carried Dr Born (drugged) onto ground adjacent to Lab entrance. Prion mutated creatures are growing in numbers. The environmental destruction has destroyed the continental shelfs throughout the world.

ESSENCE I’VE DISCOVERED. — Environmental collapse, deadly mutations and corporate corruption are endemic. Destroying life on Earth. Can anything be done?

NEW LOGLINE: Can three ostracized scientists, with disabilities, solve the Prion scourge?

SCENE THREE

Location: Main laboratory — The three scientists are standing in a circle.

LOG LINE — Three scientists argue about what to do. How are they to continue after discovery of enormous underground facilities. Michele has an epileptic seizure, in the midst, describes what she sees. Revealing the magnitude of the structures

ESSENCE I’VE DISCOVERED. Their purpose here is partially revealed. How can they proceed? Everything has changed.

<font face=”inherit”>NEW LOGLINE: The mysteries keep growing. What has happened to the population of scientists? Why are they really here? Their disabilities are helping them. What happened to the small group </font>preceding them?

SCENE FOUR:

Location: Primary lab. All three standing around a mysterious box.

LOG LINE: The three scientists open a mysterious box. Inside is a metallic objects glowing slightly with a greenish hue.

ESSENCE I’VE DISCOVERED: Keep looking below the obvious. What feelings? What behavior? What does all this mean?

NEW LOGLINE: New mystery reveals the depth of the entire operation. A box contains a mailable, greenish glowing metal object. It reacts to the touch — a mix of metal and organic structure. Is this dangerous? We have been threatened. What’s worse? Thorium Corporation or the strange events here?

SCENE FIVE:

Location: Small room with food dispensers. On a level down from original lab.

LOGLINE: The three scientists discover an other person hiding in the corner. Why is he here? What does he want? Why is he so frightened?

ESSENCE I’VE DISCOVERED: Allow events to “pop-up” . keep looking for situations that can expand or grow.

NEW LOGLINE: The team is exploring new vistas in the complex. They come upon a survivor — what can he reveal? Is he dangerous? Why does he have a weapon in his hand. Should he come with us?

[Leah Gunderson]

Roger,

Here is what I am learning from your posting:

I need to ask myself, “Why did I write this? What did I write that? Why did I think that was a good idea and how can I make it better?”

I need to ask better questions and find more creative answers that are rooted to the story’s foundation and sub-level life that must energetically breakthrough to the light of day in surprising and meaningful ways that express the essence.

[Leo Sopicki]

Leo Puts Essence to Work

What I learned was that I had gotten into the habit of thinking of scenes as “stuff happening between slug lines”. In looking for the essence in this script I realized that this was somewhat shortsighted, and drew lines in the script to indicate what I realized were the larger segments that delivered the essence.

Script I chose: Mama Says — Martin, a young man who believes his movie star mother abandoned him, attempts to find her, only to discover that he was adopted and that he has a brother who is trying to kill his real mother.

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act 1

Logline: Martin lives in a movie driven fantasy world.

Essence I’ve discovered: Family is important

New Logline: Martin and his brother Billy have strong connections.

Scene 2 Location: Establishing the Hero’s Normal World

Logline: Martin Helps his boss, Nunu, find her Mom’s pendant.

Essence I’ve discovered: There are supernatural forces at work.

New Logline: Martin and Nunu are somehow connected to the supernatural forces in the house.

Scene 3 Location: Inciting Incident

Logline: Martin wins a TV show contest which will let him meet his “mom”.

Essence I’ve discovered: Knowledge about one’s family can be incorrect.

New Logline: David, Martin’s “father”, tries to talk him out of going to meet his “mom”.

Scene 4 Location: Beginning of Act 2

Logline: Martin tells his girlfriend that he is going to meet his mom.

Essence I’ve discovered: Martin’s girlfriend is afraid she’ll lose him if he meets his movie star mom.

New Logline: Martin’s girlfriend tries to show him that “family” can be bigger than just blood relations.

Scene 5 Location: Mid-point of Act 2

Logline: Rolf the Butler tries to warn Martin and his girlfriend.

Essence I’ve discovered: Rolf wants to make up for his past wrongs.

New Logline: Rolf tries to warn Martin, but is stopped by a supernatural force.

[Leah Gunderson]

Leo,

I think you are correct.

Delivering the essence really make Act 2 full of possibilities!

It isn’t just stuff happening. It is life happening within the context of the story. Alive!

[Michael Wallace]

Michael Puts the Essence to Work

What I have learned is that you need to look at the whole scene and break it down to find what contributes to finding the essence. If the action or dialogue does not contribute to finding the essence it needs to be cut or rewritten.

My script I chose: Kidside Trader

Logline: A Wall Street executive returns to his hometown to win back his childhood sweetheart by mentoring a kid in a school stock trading club, until it is discovered that the kid is trading real stocks using his inside knowledge.

Scene 1

Location: Scene 3 INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM 1973

Logline: Young Brendan Malone is introduced to the world of finance by a guest from Wall Street.

Essence I’ve Discovered: The scene as written is too long and the dialogue too wordy. Young Malone seems to pick up what the guest is saying by osmosis, instead of listening what he has to say. The guest must grab Young Malone’s attention and intrigue him on the world of finance.

New logline: A classroom guest from Wall Street grabs the attention of Young Brendan Malone intriguing him on the possibility of becoming a millionaire.

Scene 2

Location First Act INT. MALONES EXECUTUVE OFFICE

Logline: Childhood friend Jack Schmitt asks Malone to come back to his old school to speak to his son’s stock trading club.

Essence I’ve Discovered: The phone conversation between the two characters was too wordy and not contributing to the essence of the story.

New logline: Jack Schmitt convinces Malone to come back to his old school by enticing him with the possibility of meeting his childhood sweetheart.

Scene 3

Location: First Act EXT SCHOOL PLAYGROUND

Logline: Cindy Kowalski consoles a young girl in the school playground that is being teased by a boy.

Essence I’ve Discovered: While this scene is cute and does show that Cindy finds dealing with boys challenging it does move the story forward, so it isn’t necessary.

New Logline: None. This scene is eliminated.

Scene 4

Location: First Act INT. CLASSROOM

Logline: Malone is taken back by 12-year-old Anthony Capparelli by the questions he asks him about his stock picks and requesting to visit his office.

Essence I’ve Discovered: Malone turns down the kids request until he meets Cindy and changes his mind and invites her to come as well. He is really only interested in what he wants at this point so for him to agree right away doesn’t fit the essence.

New logline: Malone visits his old school and turns down Anthony’s request to visit his office until he meets Cindy and changes his mind.

Scene 5

Location: Second Act INT. MALONES OFFICE

Logline: Anthony visits Malone office and they make a deal to help each other.

Essence I’ve Discovered: The dialogue is too wordy and doesn’t focus on the essence of the scene and the story and needs to be cut down.

New Logline: Anthony visits Malone’s office and they make a secret deal to help each other get what they want.

[Tony Barea]

Tony puts ESSENCE to work.

What I learned is… Essence in itself is nuanced. It will always come back to the core concept in some way, shape or form, but it is important to explore those nuances and experiment with them in every scene. With patience and determination, you can discover the connecting tissue between all the elements of your story.

Script I choose: The Cardinal’s Sister

Scene 1 Location: SC 1 Opening Scene Cathedral exterior.
Logline: An intoxicated Paul watches on, amused as firefighters work to extinguish a burning Cathedral.
Essence I’ve discovered: A troubled young man who despises the church and wants to see it burn.
New Logline: A heavily intoxicated man Paul, hinders firefighters’ efforts to put out a fire, celebrating the inferno in the process.

Scene 2 Location: SC 2 Bus stop bench
Logline: A young Paul waits for the school bus as his friend rides around in circles.
Essence I’ve discovered: There is danger everywhere, even waiting for the bus.
New Logline: A young Paul waits for the school bus watching his friend on his bicycle almost get hit by a truck.

Scene 3 Location: SC 3 School playground
Logline: Paul is frozen as a nun comes out into the playground and heads towards him
Essence I’ve discovered: Danger lurks in the safest environment
New Logline: Paul is snatched by a young school friend as the nun approaches him.

Scene 4 Location: SC 4 Back to opening scene Cathedral on fire
Logline: Paul stands in front of the blaze when approached by two officers who take him into custody.
Essence I’ve discovered: Being faced with one danger to be taken by another.
New Logline: Paul plays cat and mouse with the officers running around the blaze before being apprehended and taken into custody.

Scene 5 Location: S5 Andy Canosa’s apartment
Logline: Andy is preparing to leave for work when he receives a call from his boss.
Essence I’ve discovered: The past will always make a return.
New Logline: Paul receives a call from his boss telling him that the son of a convicted murderer and old school friend of his is being held in custody of over a deadly arson attack.

[Edward Richards]

Edward Richards puts Essence to Work

What I’ve learned is that essence is the driving force that lies underneath the surface of the scene, that connects emotionally with the audience.

Scene 1

Location: Farm

Logline: Bonnie struggles to operate a combine harvester.

Essence I’ve discovered: Bonnie has just married a farmer and struggles to do basic tasks.

New Logline: Bonnie can’t get four cattle back in their pen

Scene 2

Location: Farm

Logline: Bonnie reacts to seeing protesters on TV

Essence I’ve discovered: Bonnie is still haunted by her decision to lead a student protest.

New Logline: Bonnie unwraps a framed photo of her leading a student protest, sent by her old students. She puts it in the bin.

Scene 3

Location: Window cleaning gondola.

Logline: The protest leader tries to pressure Bonnie to do a TV interview from the gondola.

Essence I’ve discovered: Bonnie only took part in the protest because she was told it was a hit and run action.

New Logline: The protest leader offers to return the gondola to the top of the building after the interview so Bonnie can go home.

Scene 4

Location: Window cleaning gondola.

Logline: Battling high winds, a volunteer fireman goes down in a second gondola to rescue Bonnie.

Essence I’ve discovered: The Police Commissioner has an estranged daughter the same age as Bonnie.

New Logline: Battling high winds, the Police Commissioner joins the volunteer fireman in a second gondola to rescue Bonnie.

Scene 5

Location: Hospital Room

Logline: Bonnie reads about the State Governor rigging the environmental assessment committee

Essence I’ve discovered: The State Governor is also one of the college governors who dismissed Bonnie. They are now sworn enemies.

New Logline. The State Governor delivers a report of the make up of the committee, so that he can gloat. It’s personal.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith Puts Essence to Work

Hello! I’m back. My family stuff should be sorted soon – my Dad had an operation to remove cancer, but it all went well and he should be going home in a day or so. I’ll be catching up for now but hopefully on track again soon.

What I learned is… that I’m really glad I never showed this script to anyone! Writing from the essence would make the process easier and result in a better script.

Script I chose: Breathless

I deliberately chose one of the first scripts I wrote and then didn’t do anything with because I’m not attached to it, so can be brutal, and it should be easy to see where there’s room for improvement.

Scene 1 Location: p5 – inciting incident
Logline: Byrne is out hunting when he is interrupted by Chastity.
Essence I’ve discovered: Even vampires have bosses.
New Logline: Byrne discovers his bosses are tracking him and intend to kill him for a previous relationship.

This probably isn’t really the inciting incident – I need to go back further to that but need to find a way of doing it without giving the whole game away.

Scene 2 Location: p14
Logline: Byrne meets Anna when out hunting.
Essence I’ve discovered: Byrne is vain and loves a fan.
New Logline: Byrne meets a vampire fan and recruits her to his gang.

Scene 3 Location: p37
Logline: Anna reports to Byrne with her research.
Essence I’ve discovered: Everything is a test with Byrne.
New Logline: Byrne tests Anna as she reports her findings to him, and sets her another test.

Scene 4 Location: p47
Logline: Anna has breakfast with her parents.
Essence I’ve discovered: Anna is saying goodbye to her parents.
New Logline: Anna pleases her parents one last time before leaving them forever.

Scene 5 Location: p63
Logline: Stephanie arrives at the bookshop for the signing.
Essence I’ve discovered: Anna sizes up Bryne’s ex.
New Logline: Anna meets Stephanie at the bookshop, checking out the competition.

[Jenifer Stockdale]

Jen Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that I have ideas about the way people or things should be (or are) and I can just make small tweaks to make them stand out more. For example, the most exciting thing my lead does is complete crossword puzzles (before her arc). I have her buy them at the grocery store and originally I had her son grab a magazine from her daughter right after. Now I have added that the son gives her a disapproving look first (he can’t grab the magazine out of this mother’s hand even though that is what he really wants to do). I think I had this in the back of my head, that he was doing an alternate action (grabbing the sister’s magazine) but that was NOT coming out in the script. By adding a simple “look” at his mother, we know already that her crosswords are a problem (it is the way she hides from the world, engages in “absent presence.”)

Script I choose: I am using my script OPTI-LIFE (working title) for this assignment.

Scene 1 Location: INT. GROCERY STORE
Logline: Olivia, her mother, and her children shop and Olivia has a fantasy about dancing in the aisle.
Essence I’ve discovered: Olivia is stuck in her ways, and her family sees her that way. I can show it by adding some dialogue and actions that emphasis their thoughts about her, which in turn introduces that trait to the audience.
New Logline: After Olivia has a fantasy about dancing in the aisle, her family does and says things that make it clear what they think about her – a clear juxtaposition to her ”fantasy.”

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAYOLIVIA BRAGGE(50) an uninspired caregiver, pushes a cart in an empty aisle into which she drops items retrieved from shelves, barely even noticing what they are – – dubbing her “human robot” would be an upgrade. In Olivia’s imagination: Drowning out other noises, the Muzak comes to a crescendo, and switches to the original version of itself – an upbeat DISCO tune that catches Olivia’s ear. A disco ball spins. Olivia halts. She rips off her drab tear-away clothes to reveal a sparkly costume beneath. She shoves the cart aside and dances up the aisle. Her THREE PERSON DANCE CREW follows behind her, complementing her moves with their own. They get to the end of the aisle and PEOPLE who pass the T intersection – push carts, chatter and shop, and don’t even notice the performance before them.With a crash, the world comes down on Olivia – the Musak resumes, the harsh florescent lights replace the disco colors and her mother MONICA (75) walks with a cane, her daughter ELIZABETH (18) needy, but trying to be independent and her son Joey (29) the quintessential mama’s boy basement dweller follow — this is her dance crew -Back in her lackluster attire, Olivia looks down at the cart – there are more items in there. ELIZABETH – Just because you use the same brands all the time, doesn’t mean I have to. I don’t see what’s wrong with me changing mine, I am an adult. Are you even listening to me?Olivia turns down the next aisle. Her entourage follows.JOEY-getting mac and cheese, okay?MONICA-almost done? My stories are coming on soon.OLIVIA Mom, you need to shop, too. That’s why I brought you -MONICAYou just brought me shopping. Yesterday, I think – that’s all we do – shop, shop, shop. With a visual study of her mother, Olivia stops the cart.OLIVIA No, Mom, that was a whole week ago.Monica looks slightly confused.INT. GROCERY STORE – LATER – DAY The troupe gets in line at the register. Elizabeth picks up a magazine and flips through it.On the cover is a tablet someone holds in front of their face and that displays OPTIMIZE YOUR LIFE: THE APP – the only things visible of the person holding the tablet are his hands and some tufts of hair. Olivia chooses puzzle magazines and adds them to cart. Joey looks disapprovingly at his mother’s purchases, but then snatches the magazine from Elizabeth.

Scene 2 Location: INT. KITCHEN
Logline: Lewis gets ready to go out and tries to talk Olivia into going with him
Essence I’ve discovered: Olivia is a caregiver to everyone around her and when they leave it makes it even harder for her.
New Logline: Olivia helps Lewis gets dressed for a night out that she won’t be attending

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT Olivia washes the dishes before she puts them in the dishwasher. At the entry hall bench, obviously in prep for an upscale night out, Lewis puts on his shoes, then looks in the mirror to put on his tie. Olivia abandons her chore to tie it for him. LEWIS

Are you sure you don’t want to come? It won’t be late and all the other guys’ wives will be there. OLIVIA No, sorry, I have too much to do around here. And besides, I don’t have anything in common with them -LEWIS How would you know? You’ve never given them a chance. OLIVIA Because I’ve never had that much time to shop and get my nails done. Olivia helps him put on his jacket and then goes back to finish the dishes.

Scene 3 Location: INT. (MOVING) CAR
Logline: Olivia realizes Ruth needs her money to rent the juice bar and feels bad she can’t help her
Essence I’ve discovered: Olivia feels used by Ruth – she is starting to change, seeing that she is always doing everything for everyone else – and even though she is wrong, she thinks Ruth is just using her
New Logline: When Olivia realizes Ruth needs her money to rent the juice bar, she feels used and manipulated.

INT. RUTH’S CAR (MOVING) – DAY

With Olivia making a couple of false starts, they drive in silence for a moment. Finally Olivia turns toward Ruth.OLIVIA You didn’t go in. Why?RUTH I didn’t need to. I’ve been in there a million times.OLIVIA Right, but if you’re going to rent a place you look at it differently. As a tenant, not as a customer.Ruth shrugs.OLIVIA You’re not renting it. You don’t have the money. That’s why you needed me. You interrogated me about my money and then made it out like you wanted to be my friend – RUTH I don’t have all the money. I wasn’t trying to use you for yours. I’ll get it. I just thought we would make great partners. And I do want to be your friend. Olivia looks out the window.OLIVIA Just take me home, please. A tear trickles down Olivia’s cheek.

Scene 4 Location: EXT. POOL (in Africa)
Logline: Olivia declines the opportunity to go on a balloon ride
Essence I’ve discovered: Olivia is allowing herself to turn back into an unadventurous person.
New Logline: When a safari mate suggests that Olivia isn’t the “adventurous type” she agrees and then goes back to her puzzle books.

EXT. POOL – DAY

Olivia sits at the pool, sunning herself. A woman, CHLOE (30) walks by, squints at her.CHLOE Oh hey, you’re Olivia, right? Olivia nods.CHLOE Are you doing anything later this afternoon? Before dinner? OLIVIA Just the evening safari.CHLOE So we bought tickets for the sunset balloon ride, but now my sister in law has a touch of the stomach bug and can’t go. Would you like to come? You wouldn’t have to pay or anything. I mean the ticket is already paid for, I would hate to see it go to waste.OLIVIA Oh no, no thank you.CHLOE Not the adventurous type, huh? OLIVIA Not really. CHLOE Yeah, I get that. I’m usually not either, but my husband talked me into it. I swear without him, I would just be a couch potato, letting life pass me by. Let me know if you change your mind. Chloe walks on and Olivia roots in her bag – and comes out with a new crossword puzzle book.

Scene 5 Location: EXT. POND
Logline: Olivia meets River at the water ski event, where he is pretending to be a participant

Essence I’ve discovered: By having Olivia mistake River for a participant (he is there as a “representative” of Opti-Life which is now a group thing that people attend events together) he doesn’t look like such a creep when she finds out later he is the owner – it was her mistake
New Logline: When River and Olivia meet at the waterski event, she mistakes him for a participant and he goes with it

RIVER Oh, hey, you looked good out there.Alarmed, Olivia looks up at him – who is this stranger checking her out?RIVERI don’t mean you look good. I mean you’re a good skier. Now Olivia looks confused – how can someone manage to insult you and compliment you in the same breath?RIVER I mean you don’t look bad -OLIVIA Stop. Stop right there. I think I’ll just say thank you, it was fun and I’m glad I was successful. RIVER Are you going to join? Olivia laughs and pulls her phone from her bag.OLIVIANo, my friend got the app for me and I thought I’d try it out. It was fun, but I don’t have the money – or the time- Or the inclination – but she leaves that one out. OLIVIAAre you joining?RIVERI’m not, I’m –

Nancy clears her throat loudly and give a quick nod of her head – it’s better if Olivia thinks he’s a participant. NANCY

Hi, everyone, I’m Nancy and I’m your host today. Please extend a quick round of applause for the WalaWala Ski Club for having us as guests today. Did you all have fun? River and Olivia sit down. Everyone claps and cheers. Nancy brings the mic over to River. NANCY

Hi, you said your name was Ri – Hunter, right? What did you think? Do you like waterskiing? RIVER It’s not bad.NANCY Well, please sign up if you enjoyed it and we hope you’ll be joining Opti-Life for your next life changing event. Remember, each event is carefully tailored to you and what will be your journey to living your best life.ALLY Can I speak to you for a second? Nancy puts down mic and goes to Ally. OLIVIA

Hunter, that’s an interesting name. RIVER Hmm. So, I guess you didn’t like waterskiing that much, but how are you enjoying Opti-Life? OLIVIA I’m not sure, this is the first thing I’ve done. You? RIVER Me? Um – oh – I love it.

[Heather Hood]

Heather Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is…essence takes a long time to ferret out, and sometimes takes a few tries.

Script I choose: Absolution.

Scene 1 Location: Sc. 2- Church office
Logline: Ambrose wants to atone for his sins but doesn’t know how.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s not that he doesn’t know how, he just needs permission.
New Logline: Ambrose looks for the guidance of his father figure (DeGaul) to steer him in the right direction.

Scene 2 Location: Chief Oliver’s backyard
Logline: Joe needs purpose
Essence I’ve discovered: Joe is an angry young man in search of something to give life meaning.
New Logline: Ambrose gives Joe a reason to focus.

Scene 3 Location: Old Willow Road/shelter
Logline: Ambrose is really sick and might not make it to dialysis.
Essence I’ve discovered: Jody has to come to terms that she still has feelings for Ambrose.
New Logline: Jody has to help Ambrose survive the blizzard.

Scene 4 Location: Old Willow Rd
Logline: Jody argues with Ambrose trying to convince him to turn Williams in for murder.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ambrose isn’t the tough character I thought I’d made him.
New Logline: Jody convinces Ambrose to grow a backbone by telling him he has a daughter.

Scene 5 Location: Courtroom
Logline: Ambrose testifies against the former headmaster of St. Annes Residential school to bring dignity to the victims.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ambrose is hit over the head with the realization he hates the headmaster because his father was a pedophile – and he really hasn’t forgiven him after all. This whole journey hasn’t just been about someone else forgiving him, but about him forgiving himself and his father.
New Logline: Ambrose is himself a victim and he too needs closure.