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Lesson 2
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Andrew’s Dramatic Reveals!
Vision: I am going to do whatever it takes to be a great writer of TV and movies who is sought after by people I respect within the industry and has multiple successful TV series produced.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… I love getting really surgical about what you are going to reveal when. I think it has huge payoffs.
I have adjusted several scenes and written a couple of new ones that I really like.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Andrew Kelm.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by
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Subject Line: Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Dramatic Reveals!
My vision: I am an “A” list writer who is known for high concept ideas, great execution, a string of successful movies and is always ready to share his knowledge and do what he can to help another writer on the way up.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: I pulled a lot of info from Module 4 Lesson 6 and discovered that I had set up and revealed much of what I needed to. BUT… I also discovered several setups that could be set up better or hadn’t paid off as well as they could be. I made a number of changes and am very happy with the results. I’m finding more things to elevate in my current draft.
Title: Shards
Genre: Psychological Thriller
High Concept Logline: A woman with no childhood memory is involved in a cat and mouse game with a cunning hypnotist not knowing the man is responsible for both her amnesia and the death of her treasure hunter father.
A. What is the DEMAND?
B. What is being REVEALED?
C. How is it presented
DRAMATICALLY?Act 1Setup: Under hypnosis, Sarah gets into an argument with her younger self about who is responsible for Tom’s (Sarah’s father) disappearance and possible death.
Act 3 Reveal: Young Sarah is watching out for older Sarah and says that she doesn’t trust March.
Act 2S: Young Sarah easily climbs up the hand and footholds of the cliff up to the treasure cave.
Act 4Reveal: Older Sarah remembers the hand holds and must face her fear of heights.
Act 2S: March asks young Sarah under hypnosis if she remembers people other than her father in the desert? What did he look like? What did he say? Would you remember his voice?
Act 3Reveal: March is assessing what Sarah remembers and covering his tracks, so she doesn’t suspect his real identity. March went out into the desert to dig up pots with Tom only once and couldn’t talk at the time because his voice box had been injured by a cue stick in a bar fight. He could only grunt – like a Bear. Sarah remembers the grunts.
Act 2S: Johnny suspects that the Shaman and his father, Frank, had something to do with saving young Sarah 20 years ago.
Act 4Reveal: When Sarah remembers the Shaman at the hospital, she now also remembers another man was with the Shaman – She describes him as a “star man”. She remembers that the star read, “Navajo Tribal Police”. Johnny is floored to realize it must have been Frank, his father, now the chief of the Navajo Nation Police. Johnny realizes his father and grandfather have inadvertently set him up to find his path in life.
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Farrin Rosenthal’s Dramatic Reveals!
Farrin’s Vision: To do what it takes to become a highly paid A-List Hollywood writer whose produced movies will entertain audiences around the world.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to elevate reveals. A reveal is something we are hiding from the audience or something a character is hiding from other characters that comes out later.
To make a reveal dramatic requires it be setup in such a way that the audience demands to know what happens next. The writer plants little setups or hints then hits the audience hard with a twist or surprise they weren’t expecting. The bigger and more dramatic we can make it the better.
Most of my dramatic reveals were in my outline and it was fun turning them into reality in the script.
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Rebecca’s Dramatic Reveals
Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.
What I learned from doing this assignment was how increase the drama in vital scenes showing reveals. Once I wrote out the Demand and Reveals and thought about it. I could see they needed improvement. I noticed that information I used in character description needed to be revealed in the script. After a brainstorming, I figured a way to reveal it within the script, and do it more dramaticaly through action and dialog. I enjoyed this assignment. Thank you Hal.
IMPROVED WEAK REVEALS:
a. Demand – Fagan wants to know Ragman’s war story.
b. Reveal – Ragman killed a number of the Kaiser’s men and awarded a silver star.
c. Original – Ragman denies he’s a hero for killing men.
Dramatic improvement:
Fagan asks Ragman about his war experience that earned a silver star. Ragman replies that killing men doesn’t make him a hero but a killer. Fagan disagrees, mentions that the military awarded a Silver Star for protecting our troops by preventing the men he killed from murdering them. Ragman chugs down three shots in a row of Fagan’s whisky, thanks him for the drink, makes a quick exit.
Ragman’s Confrontation with Bucholz.
Demand: Bucholz’s vandetta against his family and him. Why?
Reveal 1: Bucholtz is the officer who Ragman did not kill in the war.
Reveal 2: Bucholtz’s obcession to have Ragman kill him.
Reveal 3: He tells Ragman about impregnating his wife and her killing the baby.
Original Drama. Bucholz states that he is the 17th man, the one Ragman refused to kill in the war.
Dramatic Improvement:
RAGMAN wants to know why Bucholz targeted him and his family for abuse.
Bucholz chastises Ragman for not killing him during the war. Asks him to finish the job. Ragman declines. Bucholz tells Ragman to ask his wife about the unborn baby she killed, his baby. Ragman rushes Bucholz, yanks away his whip, coils it around his neck, pulls tight as he pins him against a post. Bucholz whispers in Ragman’s ear, “kill me,” bites off his earlobe, and pulls a gun ready to shoot…until a shotgun goes off just past Bucholz and Rube Dembaugh moves in and arrests Ragman.
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ROBERT SMITH’s DRAMATIC REVEALS.
MY VISION FOR SUCCESS AFTER THIS PROGRAM.
I am a great writer who delivers entertaining, informative, and uplifting scripts that sell and get produced.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…?
How to do Analyses of the nature and most effective expression of a reveal and to remember these have a big impact on the success of a story.
PITCH: A slain mobster (Lou Tasca – Protagonist) cannot move on to the World to Come because of his life of crime. He can only redeem himself if he convinces his killer (Carlo Vizzini) to flip, quit the mob and join the FBI Witness Preotection Program. PICTURE: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
GENRE: Gangster-Comedy.
TITLE: “Angels in Gangland.”
Reveals:
1<sup>st</sup> act: Tony fears his crime family is saturated with NYPD and FBI undercover agents and informants.
Cocktail waitress Michelle Ippolito is set up for a reveal later as an FBI undercover agent.
So are Russian mobster Oleg Oransky and even Mob Capo Tony Rizzo’s wife, Lisa. By mob criteria they are all Rats.
Rabbi Solomon Levinsky, once left Judaism for Buddhism, then converted to Christianity
which led him back to Judaism, when he discovered that Jesus was not a Christian
but a Jew, as ‘kosher’ as he was raised. “Call me the only Jew led back to
Judaism from Christianity by Jesus.”
Solomon’s own Uncle Max was a member of the Bugs Meyer Mob which had ties to
Murder, Inc. Solomon regarded Uncle Max as a hero (a protector of the Jewish
community) for having busted Nazi bones at the notorious Nazi Rally at Madison Square Garden in ’39 and running guns to the Haganah just before the Israeli War of Independence in ’48. In any case, Max influenced Solomon’s son Sam who abandoned the observant Jewish tradition in which his father Solomon had raised him and Sam became an associate of the Giordano crime family with his friend Carlo Vizzini.
Giordano Family Boss, Don Primo Giordano in fact regards Tony Rizzo as a liability because he killed rival-boss Salvatore “Sally Cat” Catanzaro which started a gang war.
REVEALS – DEMAND REVEAL or DRAMATICALLY WRITTEN.
1. 1<sup>st</sup> act: Tony fears his crime family is saturated with NYPD and FBI undercover agents and informants. Provoking a crime family feeling of fear expressed by the question: ‘Who is the rat?”
This is dramatically written in dialogue, stated by Tony in dialogue with Carlo when he orders Carlo to kill Lou under suspicion that he could be a rat because he had already ratted Giordano family secrets to a rival crime family. But this is a lie and a ruse, he is claiming that Lou is a rat but his real reason for eliminating Lou is that Tony doesn’t want to pay Lou the $200,000 in gambling debts that he owes him.
2. Cocktail waitress Michelle Ippolito is revealed to be an FBI undercover agent. Dramatically written in Act 3 when it is just disclosed by Oleg in a phone call. The reveal was set up in Act 1 and it will come as a surprise because when Tony sexually assaulted him, she twisted his arm like a cop.
3. So are Russian mobster Oleg Oransky and his henchman Greesha (Greg Sokolov)
Dramatically set up in Act 1 when Lou feels suspicious that the bi-lingual Greesha who is a Mets fan doesn’t seem to add up as a real person.
4. Even Tony Rizzo’s wife, Lisa is an FBI informant. By mob criteria they are all Rats. This is the final reveal in an effort to get Tony to see it’s okay to be a rat, along with Carlo, Sherrie, Sam, and Oleg and ultimately, Don Primo Giordano who consented upon arrest to want to cooperate with the FBI.
The final scene is a finale of #2-5 above a comic melee around the subject of how it is so okay to be a rat working for the FBI to stop crime.
Each reveal is done with shock-effect and humor.
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CJ Dramatic Reveals!
Vision: I am a confident and empowered writer who embraces challenges and changes and writes produced highly sought-after projects with fresh and exciting ideas.
WIL: A good way to look to see if the reveal can be done more powerfully and deliver a stronger message
Title: MEMORY HUNTERS
Concept:
In a future with technology to retrieve memories, a Memory Hunter, caught in the mind of a psychopath struggles to find a way out before he destroys her mind and kills her.
Make a list of all the reveals in your script.
– Freddie is the one who kidnapped Mya
– Mya finds out she ran away that her sister didn’t leave her at the park
– Terry and Catherine are making deals with the criminals to hide money
With each one, answer these questions:
Freddie is the one who kidnapped Mya
A. What is the DEMAND? Mya wants to busy her memories of her abductionsB. What is being REVEALED?Freddie is at Memory Hunter to have his memory searched for a missing body C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?Mya is deliberately put in Freddie’s mind to stop her searching hidden files only find that Freddie is the one who abducted her and this is the memory she wants to bury
Mya has blamed Stella her sister for what happened to her only to find out she was the one who ran away – her sister didn’t leave her.
A. What is the DEMAND? Mya blames her sister for her abductionB. What is being REVEALED?Mya thought that Stella left her at the parkC. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?Stella never told her it was her fault that she ran away to save her from blaming herself
Will have Stella open her mind for an incursion to show what really happened. Instead of sneaking into the facility they do it at home with Jason’s help to build on the relationship with Jason and allow better closure.
Terry and Catherine are making deals with the criminals to hide money
A. What is the DEMAND? Catherine needs money to fund her lifestyle and to run for the SenateB. What is being REVEALED?They have been making secret incursions outside of protocol to make a deal to get to the money etc and hide it before the incursion with the authorities present.C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?Catherine and Terry’s scheme is revealed at a fund raiser
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Tom’s Dramatic Reveals!
My Vision: I’m able to quickly come up with plausible alternatives that improve projects I work on with producers.
Doing this assignment, I learned to dope out better reveals much easier than I thought I could.
Demand – BioPulse employee is shot as workers exit at quitting time.
Revealed – Randy and Russians ambush BioPulse employees.
Dramatically – They’re being fired upon from a rooftop.
Demand – Abruptly in mid-flight the plane’s engine stops.
Revealed – Plane’s engine stops mid-flight. Phil crawls out onto fuselage, opens engine compartment, restarts engine. Returns to cabin, continues flight.
Dramatically – Doesn’t have to land to fix the engine!
Demand – Bear confronts Abe in his vegetable garden.
Revealed – Abe offers him tomatoes. He eats them. Becomes stoned.
Dramatically – Use hallucinatory plants to subdue a dangerous bear.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by
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Amechi’s Dramatic Reveals!
What I learned doing this assignment is to make sure there is a strong demand for the reveals in my script.
MY VISION
I am going to be in the top 1% of action/comedy writers in the industry who writes major action films.LIST OF REVEALS
– New Weapon can kill Apex
SET UP: Knives and guns are useless against him.
PAYOFF: He is shot with the new weapon and thinks it won’t hurt.
PAYOFF: AT END, KANAAN CATCHES A KNIFE IN HIS HAND.– Apex’s blood has given Kanaan strength.
SET UP: Blood disappears from Kanaan’s hands.
SET UP: Kanaan finds he is not hurt when Sensei beats him up.
SET UP: Kanaan
PAYOFF: KANAAN CATCHES A KNIFE IN HIS HAND.
PAYOFF: Rhapsody is angry that Kanaan has the power and she doesn’t.– Kanaan stole the missing explosives.
SET UP: Apex accuses Rhapsody of stealing the explosives.
Kanaan pretends not to know when Rhapsody accuses him but she doesn’t search him.
PAYOFF: She finds the explosives as he is blowing her up.– Kanaan is going to blow up Rhapsody
SET UP: Rhapsody threatens his life.
Rhapsody beats him up.
Rhapsody visits his family and threatens them too.
Kanaan is afraid of her.
Kanaan lets her get his address.
Rhapsody abandons him.
PAYOFF: She goes to the apartment and he blows her up.– Mars was an old cop and vigilante
Scene in the bar “A cop bar” and Kanaan sees the cop he dropped something off to.
Mars says he wishes he could fight again.
Mars warns Kanaan to stay away from this life as it is very dangerous.
PAYOFF: Mars fights and is killed.– Apex is addicted to drugs to fight his pain.
SET UP: He takes something to help him heal.
He sleeps a lot.
He looks a little stoned at one point.
PAYOFF: He needs special injections into his body, using a machine-syringe like the new guns and both are created by the scientist.– The mayor is a prisoner
SET UP: There is always security around her.
She used to praise Apex but becomes critical of him.
Her husband is also a prisoner.
PAYOFF: She is being held prisoner with the help of her husband. She kills the bodyguards assigned to her when she reveals that they are actually holding her prisoner.– Apex is a creation
SET UP: He has powers.
His birth and origins are unknown and there are rumors he is an alien.
The scientist has some kind of connection to him.
PAYOFF: Kanaan demands to know how the scientist knows Apex and he reveals he made him and can destroy him if he pleases.– Sensei is in charge of the gang that steals from everyone.
SET UP: He is empowering people to fight to protect themselves.
He is protective of his son and the world he is going to grow up in.
He floats the idea of Kanaan joining the group.
He is hyper critical of the Mayor and Superheroes protecting everyone.
PAYOFF: He is doing this to secure the city and world for his son to grow up in a better world. -
Leona Heraty’s Dramatic Reveals!
My Vision: To be the best family comedy screenwriter in the industry where my screenplays are produced into fabulous movies, making audiences laugh a lot and making me independently wealthy!
What I learned from doing this assignment is…I can make the reveals much more dramatic and interesting by adding more intrigue to the demands! The set-ups are so important!
Title: Tara vs. the Termo-Lytes
Genre: Comedy (Sci-fi)
Concept #2: A lost teenage tour guide who’s petrified of bugs must lead her tour group in a battle against mutant killer termites at an abandoned country club.ACT 1
SETUP: Big Betty pulls out a nail file and a hand mirror and files her pink nails and admires her face and hair in the mirror.
REVEAL: Big Betty is a vain and she’s a termite!
A. What is the DEMAND? Why does a termite have finger nails?
B. What is being REVEALED? She has human-like qualities
C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY? She files her nails.
Changes: Make the Reveal more dramatic by having her file a nail then search on a little shelf for the perfect shade of nail polish, then start painting her nails.
SETUP: Big Betty HUMS.
REVEAL: Big Betty has a great voice when she sings a finale song for Tara, Davy and Meg before they go in the pot. (Act 4).A. What is the DEMAND? Can a termite actually talk?
B. What is being REVEALED? An insect can talk!
C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY? She sings a finale song in Act 4.
Changes: Make the Demand more dramatic by having Big Betty pick up an old sheet of music and have her tap her note and HUM to the song on the sheet music, from the 1920s, and then sing a little bit of the song.
SETUP: Big Betty HUMS.
REVEAL: Big Betty has a great voice when she sings a finale song for Tara, Davy and Meg before they go in the pot. (Act 4).
A. What is the DEMAND? Can a termite actually talk?
B. What is being REVEALED? An insect can talk!
C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY? She sings a finale song in Act 4.
Changes: Make the Demand more dramatic by having Big Betty pick up an old sheet of music and have her tap her note and HUM to the song on the sheet music, from the 1920s, and then sing a little bit of the song.
ACT 2
SETUP: When Tara drives the group up to the front entrance of the abandoned country club, Meg mentions that she’s been here before, when times were good long ago.
REVEAL: Act 4: Meg reveals she and her late husband used to be members of the country club many years ago, and she took the money from his will and bought it, and tried to concoct a pesticide with Spirulina that wouldn’t be toxic to people and pets…but she had no idea the green goo would turn the termites into giant ancient Termo-Lytes.
A. What is the DEMAND? We want to know what is this old abandoned place?
B. What is being REVEALED? Meg mentions that she’s been here before, when times were good, long ago.
C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY? Meg reveals she bought the old country club from the inheritance from her late husband.
Changes: Make the demand/intrigue stronger by showing half of the sign that marks the entrance to the country club…it just says CLUB and EST. 1920.
ACT 3
SETUP: Meg gets nervous and grabs her lighter and cigarette and tries to light up.
REVEAL: Big Betty grabs it out of her hand and says that smoking is bad for her health and LAUGHS.
A. What is the DEMAND? Has Meg given up smoking?
B. What is being REVEALED? Meg is trying to give up smoking but can’t give up her addiction when she’s nervous.
C. How is it presented DRAMATICALLY? Big Betty grabs it away and says smoking is bad for you, but ignores her own advice and tries to light up but can’t figure out how to use a lighter.
Changes: Make the Demand more intriguing by showing a patch on Meg’s arm and when Meg grabs her lighter and a cigarette out of her pocket, Tara notices the bump under her shirt on her arm, and points to it, then Meg nervously lifts up her t-shirt sleeve and reveals the Patch. -
John T’s Dramatic Reveals!
Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.
What I learned doing this assignment is that digging out the initial reveals suggests new ones and deeper drams to the original ones as well as inform the story,
Demand: S0: Grace is stabbed to death – Phil is helpless to do anything about it.
Reveal: R0: Phil has become an expert knife fighter when he takes on Lewis in the climax. It’s an even match now.
DRAMATICALLY: it’s a fight to the death. Louise is obivously also good with a knife.
S1: Phil broods and has conversations with his dead wife.
R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.
DRAMATICALLY – Waiters and passersby think he’s crazy.
S2: Louise is a fragile female in need of TLC.
R2. She’s a he, and he’s the killer.
DRAMATICALLY His wig falls off during the climax fight.
S3: Phil practices knife skills for killing.
R3: Phil uses his learned knife skills the ones so that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.
DRAMATICALLY – stabs his couch repeatedly. Also throws his knife at a dart board in a bar.
S4: Ben has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.
R4: Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life.
DRAMATICALLY – He also arrests his boss for embezzlement. He’s still lousy with his shooting so Phil kids him about it.
S5: Phil keeps a detailed file on the killings.
P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.
DRAMATICALLY – Ben thinks Phil’s map is proof that he is the killer. In fact, Phil circles the city where he thinks the next stabbing will occur and Ben thinks Phil is picking the time and place for his next killing.
S6: We see mysterious FB’s re: a boy being abused, made to dress up in women’s clothing.
R6: The FB’s are a boy’s horrors – but who’s? (Lewis)
DRAMATICALLY – Louise’s brother, Carter, turns out to be Graces’s assailant. Louise wanted Grace out of the way so Carter obliged her. It was the boys’ father who abused Carter and made Lewis dress like a girl.
S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore.
R7: Which enables her to date him since she’s now retired therapist.
DRAMATICALLY – pan from Phil in the same booth to… Evelyn.
S8: Phil tries meditation.
R8: Phil sees the next murder while meditating.
DRAMATICALLY – Phil has a vision of his wife and what Carter said to her, also he sees the same scorpion tatoo that Louise has.
S9: Ben suspects his boss is dirty.
R9: Ben arrests his boss.
DRAMATICALLY – Ben enjoys her hysterics, and further charges her with resisting arrest.
S10. Louise primps a lot.
R10: Louise has a package.
DRAMATICALLY – Louise grabs her crotch when coming out of the restroom.
S11: Phil embarrasses Rhonda.
R11: Rhonda rats out Phil to Ben.
DRAMATICALLY – She steals his cell phone and finds a photo of his map. She tells Ben to hurry before they push back. Ben is too late.
S12: Phil races to the murder scene.
R12: Phil bumps into Carter there.
DRAMATICALLY – Chases him but loses him.
S13. Louise gets hit on by another woman.
R13: Louise rebuffs her –hidden agenda.
DRAMATICALLY – Sweet lovable Louise turns hostile.
S14: Phil visits his wife’s grave.
P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her.
DRAMATICALLY – she tells him to move on.
S15: Phil works under his car.
R15: While working on his car, a killer tries to knock out the jack. Phil gives chase, loses him. We don’t see who it is…
DRAMATICALLY – It’s the dirtball who stole his wallet. Later, Phil kills him when he is attacked.
S16: Phil helps a girl who’s being assaulted.
R16: Bangers come looking for him.
DRAMATICALLY – they eventually find him. Violence ensues.
S17. Phil burns his souffle.
He makes dinner for his new girlfriend, Evelyn. Phil perfects his souffle.
DRAMATICALLY – It looks magnificent,
S18: Phil gets along with his shrink.
R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.
DRAMATICALLY –
S19: Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom.
R19: She sounds like a guy peeing. R21: Cause she stands up.
DRAMATICALLY – we only hear the sounds.
S20: Ben’s boss is an ass.
R20: Ben reads Roberta her rights.
DRAMATICALLY – Ben and Chuck joke about their fake hostility.
S21: Louis tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.
DRAMATICALLY – She’s right.
S22: Phil has a vision of a scorpion behind an ear.
R22: Phil sees the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.
DRAMATICALLY – When she comes out of the room, he notices the tatoo behind her ear for the first time. Carter has the same tatoo. Brother and sister killed their father after being horribly abused.
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Joe McGloin loves character depth! Joe McGloin’s Dramatic Reveals
Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter
What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to be more clear about what the romantic story is, THEN overlay it with the political story. That I hadn’t set up very many of the reveals very well, and focusing on them brought that out and allowed me to both set them up better (and in one case, set it up completely as it had no set up), and present them more dramatically.
2. Make a list of all the reveals in your script.
Max falls for her
She falls for him
Max must end the relationship or be terminated in his assignment
Breaking up will cause Jane to go off her mission
Max must die
Max must teaches Jane how to leave her body so she can do her part of the pilot program
3. With each one, answer these questions:
A. What is the DEMAND?
B. What is being REVEALED?
C. How is it presented
DRAMATICALLY?Max flunked Cherub
What is the DEMAND?
Not set up yet- he’s the only one from Cherub who landed there in the GA program
What is being REVEALED?
That Max flunked Cherub
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
During an argument where Max is ridiculed before his peers.
Max falls for her
What is the DEMAND?
Max has close contact with Jane as her GA
What is being REVEALED?
That he has fallen in love with her
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
With the painting scene
She falls for him
What is the DEMAND?
The intrigue she feels after she catches him half in his body, and her curiosity about his devotion to her alone
What is being REVEALED?
That she loves him
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
In the deli scene where she fumbles verbally and the election night scene where he prepares to leave
Max must end the relationship or be terminated in his assignment
What is the DEMAND?
Clarence explains that he has to stay emotionally balanced with his charge
As Max has to deal more with being in his body, he has more “human” feelings, and says something to that effect
Max has to choose between his feelings and his duty
What is being REVEALED?
He must remain detached or lose his position and return to Cherub
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
It’s not. In the scene where Clarence is helping him with breakfast and adjust to other body things, he tells Max. More dramatically: Even when he doesn’t see a red light, he interferes with her experiences
Breaking up causes Jane to go off her mission
What is the DEMAND?
To know why Max is her GA and who is she that she gets him for that role
What is being REVEALED?
She is an historically important person
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
She will leave politics altogether
Max must die
What is the DEMAND?
Max could not control his feelings and must return to Heaven and Cherub again, so someone else can take over Jane.
What is being REVEALED?
He must die to go back to Heaven because he chose love, his love feelings – be more clear about that
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
He dies in Jane’s arms
Max must teach Jane how to leave her body so she can do her part of the pilot program
What is the DEMAND?
Jane and Max are to be the pilot program.
What is being REVEALED?
That Jane can come and go to Heaven
How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?
Max shows her how to contemplate, to leave her body, which he says everyone does but this is n a more controlled way
4. For any that don’t have strong answers to the above, brainstorm ways to create more demand or reveal dramatically and rewrite the scene.
5. Tell us how you improved each scene – demand, reveal, and/or written dramatically
All in yellow.
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Lori Lance’s Dramatic Reveals!
My vision: I want to be a professional screenwriter recognized by the industry as the go-to for family-friendly scripts and have multiple successful movies produced.
What I learned is to keep looking for ways to elevate my script.
Reveal 1:
Alex’s knowledge was barely mentioned in the first draft, so this reveal added depth to my story and character.
What is demanded:
When the Logans first meet Alex, they question her about her knowledge and skills.
Reveal:
Alex has all the knowledge of the internet, and she is highly skilled in some areas, such as reading, writing, and math. However, all of the knowledge in the world doesn’t make her a good cook or housekeeper.
How is it presented dramatically?
Gavin asks Alex to write a book report for him for school. When he gets his report back, it’s a D, and he is labeled a racist for “his” writing. This ends Gavin’s crush on Alex.
Alex’s lack of skills is seen in comedic scenes of her cooking and housekeeping.
Reveal 2:
Alex is afraid of water. This character trait wasn’t mentioned in the first draft but makes her interaction with others and water more intense.
What is the demand?
Is there anything that is a threat to Alex?
What is being revealed?
Alex is afraid of water.
How is it presented dramatically?
Alex SCREAMS and throws herself out of a chair when water is spilled at a restaurant. Later in the script, the Logans arm themselves with water guns to fight Alex.
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