Lesson 2

[Rick Whitney]

Rick Whitney Discover the Essence

What I learned: I see there is a way to raise the stakes in each scene by asking what is the essence or what is it you want to show in this scene. By raising the stakes, it lifts a somewhat flat scene into a more action / emotional scene.

Script: The Spear

scene 1: Int: Roman tent – night

Logline: The Roman solders eat, drink and take part in the spoils of victory. Two Roman solder friends, Lucius and Markus, fight over a captured girl.

Essence: The essence of this scene should be to show that solders who fight together on the battle field become greedy after the battle and fight among themselves over the spoils.

The scene misses the opportunity for these two to actually have a fist fight over the spoils and raise the emotional stakes in the scene. They’re a little drunk and their self control is lowered.

Scene 2: Int: Marseille’s room in the palace – Day

Logline: Tribune Marseille and Lucius discuss why the people in Jerusalem are not appreciative of their captures.

Essence: the essence of the scene should focus on how the people wish to be free of the Roman occupation. The scene trivializes how they want freedom from Roman tyranny and misses this high point in their discussions. They should dive into more why’s and deepen the conversation into why conquered people should desire freedom.

Scene 3: Int: Jerusalem Street – Night

Logline: Lucius interrupts two passerby’s as they speak about Jesus’s preaching’s.

Essence: This scene should be Intriguing Lucius to learn more about this Rabbi’s teachings but the scene falls flat and ends with no movement. It serves little purpose as is.

Scene 4: Int: Jerusalem resident home – day

Logline: Lucius has just killed a Jew for assaulting another Roman solder. He talks with a Jewish man and for maybe the first time, he feels some regret.

Essence: The scene should show or tell of his struggle within himself as to the killing of a man. He had killed many before but never had he felt regret. The scene is on the nose and doesn’t take advantage of his internal struggle either physically or verbally.

Scene 5: Ext: Ship wreck

Logline: Lucius is traveling to rescue his imprisoned wife. While in route, the ship is caught in a storm and he is stranded on an island.

Essence: This scene is to show how driven Lucius is to find his wife. This ship wreck scene is to add to the drama of reaching his goal but it feels like something that was added in for length. It doesn’t deliver much to the character or to the story except length.

[Karin Armbrust]

Karin Armbrust puts Essence to Work

What I learned is…I need to have a clear idea of my goal. When I originally wrote Wife, I had no idea what the essence was. I seem to be going to a lot of effort to indirectly show different aspects. I think I need to restructure the whole thing. Whose story is this? Daniel’s or Barbara’s?

Script I choose: Wife

Scene 1 Location: Page 4 of Act I

Logline: Daniel makes a really big mess in the bathroom.

Essence I’ve discovered: Daniel and Barbara have been playing the “make the mess in the bathroom” game since they were kids. Their relationship is a game.

New Logline: Daniel makes a mess in the bathroom in order to please his wife, who enjoys being horrified about it.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act I

Logline: Barbara discovers that Daniel has been keeping things from her and threatens him with a gun to get the truth..

Essence I’ve discovered: This is a loss of trust and faith.

New Logline: Barbara realizes that Daniel is not the man she thought he was.

Scene 3 Location: Top of Act II

Logline: Daniel attempts to put Barbara’s advice to use, but continues to mess up causing his co-workers to mock him.

Essence I’ve discovered: It’s not in Daniel’s nature to do what Barbara tells him what to do.

New Logline: Daniel attempts to put Barbara’s advice to use, but continues to fail in the attempt.

Note: get rid of the Nick/Suzanne conversation. Not important.

Scene 4 Location: A bit later

Logline: Daniel gets his legs kicked out from under him at a meeting.

Essence I’ve discovered: This is a temptation scene. Can his co-workers affect him to mess up even more?

New Logline: Daniel’s co-workers seem like they are going to include him, in order to manipulate him. Does Daniel bite?

Scene 5 Location: Mid Point

Logline: Daniel and Barbara argue about the events of the previous night.

Essence I’ve discovered: This is a turning point for Daniel. This is where he decides to take matters into his own hands.

New Logline: Daniel takes back control of his life from Barbara and choses to take action.

This script just needs to be rethought but it’s a good one to practice on.

[Jeff Cochran]

Jeff Cochran Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is even though I’ve written these scenes, I’m still not always aware of the underlining meaning and I need to continue to work to discover and express that meaning.

Script I choose: Forced Evolution (First Draft)

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of act one
Logline: The crew meets for the first time since coming out of hyper sleep.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is the beginning of a new life for everyone.
New Logline: The crew enjoys their first moments together after a long flight in hyper sleep before they begin colonizing a new world.

Scene 2 Location: Beginning of act one
Logline: Members of the crew discuss the activities they’re going to enjoy on their new world.
Essence I’ve discovered: Sam hints that there is deeper reason why she came on this flight.
New Logline: While the crew dreams of their new home, Sam reveals there was a stronger, emotional need for her to colonize this new world.

Scene 3 Location: Beginning of act two.
Logline: Two crewmembers use maintenance pods to search for a missing crew member.
Essence I’ve discovered: The stress of losing a fellow crew member.
New Logline: Two crew members control the stress in their voices as they use maintenance pods to search for a missing crew member.

Scene 4 Location: Beginning of act two.
Logline: The captain and a crewmember are discussing the missing crew member.
Essence I’ve discovered: Tension between two crew members that the captain doesn’t want to hear about.
New Logline: The captain and his third officer discuss the medical officer’s inability to locate the missing crew member using his technology, leading the third officer to accuse the med officer of incompetence.

Scene 5 Location: Beginning of act two
Logline: Two crew members banter as they work together.
Essence I’ve discovered: Hiding the stress of the situation through banter.
New Logline: Two crew members hide their stress and discomfort over losing a fellow crew member by bantering with each other.

[William Whelan]

William Whelan – Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is to increase conflicts in scenes.

Script: Promises….Unpromises.

Scene 1 :

Location: Backroad in Vermont.

Logline: Jim Anderson walks around outside of car trying to get GPS signal.

Essence: Increase conflict through dialogue.

New Logline: While Jim searches for signal Betty rolls down car window and tells her father that her mother, Margaret, has found the directions on a paper map.

Scene 2:

Location: Back patio of Vermont Artist retreat.

Logline: Jim rolls his eyes when it is revealed Phoebe is a woman.

Essence: Increase conflict through dialogue.

New Logline: Jim and Phoebe have a verbal exchange over gender identity.

Scene 3:

Location: Back patio of artist retreat.

Logline: Jim forbids Betty to have a CBD gummie for menstrual cramps because she is underage.

Essence: Increase conflict through dialogue.

New Logline: Margaret says she wants a gummie and is not underage.

Scene 4:

Location: Back patio of Artist retreat.

Logline: Jim tells Betty she cannot spend the summer at her grandfather’s artist retreat.

Essence: Increase conflict through dialogue.

New Logline: Betty pushes back and says she will not leave and for her parents to leave without her.

Scene 5:

Location: Backyard of artist retreat.

Logline: Jim observes love scene between Betty and Lance over Zoom.

Essence: Increase conflict through dialogue.

New logline: Jim protests to his father over cell phone about the love scene.

[Gunnar Weber-Prada]

Gunnar Puts Essence to Work

What I’ve learned is the essence of the scene seems very close to the Logline of the scene.

Script I chose:

The Last Stakeout

Scene 1 location: Act 1, Scene 1

Logline: Griff enters his room. He expresses conflict with his age.

Essence I’ve discovered: Griff is feeling lonely and neglected due to age.

New Logline: Griff enters room. He expresses his feelings of isolation and neglect as he prepares for bed.

Scene 2 location: Act 2, Scene 1

Logline: Griff argues with some sort of official.

Essence Discovered: Griff expresses frustration with “little man in a big job” type bureaucrat. He feels he is being ignored and trivialized rather than being listened to and treated with some dignity.

New Logline: Griff expresses his frustration with a bureaucrat and the ‘system’ he feels trapped in.

Scene 3 location: Act 2, Scene 2

Logline: Griff reminisces on his past relationship.

Essence discovered: Thinking about his past energizes Griff’s present.

New Logline: reminiscing on his past and family puts a positive spin on his attitude and motivations him .

Scene 4 location: Act 2, Scene 3

Logline: Death is nearby. Griff dreams of being prepared for the casket.

Essence discovered: Death is nearby. Griff dreams of his casket. Is he prepared?

New Logline: Dath is nearby. Griff imagines being prepared for his casket. It is both mundane and terrifying.

Scene 5 location: Act 3, Scene 2

Logline: The long wait over, Griff’s patience is finally rewarded.

Essence discovered: Patience is rewarded with Love.

New Logline: The wait is over.Griff gets what he has been waiting for; Love.

[Winifred Meiser]

Winifred Meiser Puts Essence to Work. What I learned is: The importance of creating strong, short, and pertinent dialogue.

Script: I chose “Roxy the Recycling Robin & the Mystery of the Missing Trees”

Scene 1 A Location: Grandmother’s cozy living room.

Logline: Grandma greets her granddaughter Vicky & her friends, Kathy, Helen, Peter & Martin.

GRANDMA: Hello children. I’m so glad you’re all here for our story-time today,

Essence I discovered: It needed more characters and more interaction by People characters and Forest Creatures characters.

Scene 1 B Location: Grandma’s cozy living room.

New Logline: Several children come rushing into the room. Grandma warmly greets her grandchildren Vicky & George, exchanges hugs with them, and welcomes their four friends, Kathy, Helen, Peter & Martin.

GRANDMA (cheerfully) Hello children. I’m so glad you’re all here for our story-time today, about how all the forest animals and birds were worried about their trees disappearing, and Roxy, a brave little red Robin, who wanted to help her friends.

Scene 2 A. Location: Grandma’s cozy living room

Logline: GRANDMA: Everyone comfy? Then let’s begin. Once upon a time, a great forest covered the earth. Colorful birds built cozy nests in the tall trees, and forest creatures roamed the woods and the valley below, where a clear river flowed to the sea.

GRANDMA (shows the children the storybook’s picture)

Essence I’ve discovered: Emphasize the beauty and value of the forest, river, nature & all the creatures who live there. Give children a chance to comment.

Scene 2 B Location: Grandma’s cozy living room

New Logline: GRANDMA: Everyone comfy? Then let’s begin. Once upon a time, a great forest covered the earth. Colorful birds built cozy nests in the tall trees, and forest creatures roamed the woods and the valley below, where a clear, curving river flowed to the sea.

GRANDMA (shows the children the storybook’s picture)

VICKY Grandma, I like seeing the pictures in books, and I like hearing you read the words too. That way, I know how to pronounce them when I read to the little kids next door. GRANDMA: (smiles) That’s great Vicky dear, and I’m sure those children enjoy it too.

GEORGE Grandma what I like most is hearing you reading the stories to us.

GRANDMA Thank you George, and I like telling them (pauses) and now, on with the story. But, that was once upon a time . . . Now, many of the trees have disappeared and the river is muddied.

Scene 3 A Location: Deep in the Forest near the Ancient Oak Tree

Logline: BENNY THE BROWN BEAR: Fewer trees mean less food and shelter for animals and birds. MRS. DOVE (sadly) And less baby birds in springtime. She sings a soft lament to a silent spring. ROXY ROBIN (concerned) Perhaps some of the other forest creatures know something. Let’s ask them.

Essence I’ve discovered: Explaining how they could arrange to be in the same place and time to meet and discuss the problem.

Scene 3B Deep in the Forest near the Ancient Oak Tree.

New Logline: BENNY THE BROWN BEAR: We need the gathering to be held at a time and place that everyone knows! Where in the Forest could that be? The FOREST CREATURES know the forest well, but not how to get everyone together at the same time and place. Everyone looks all around and at each other, then shrugs helplessly. ROXY the ROBIN: We all know when the moon is full, right? And EVERYBODY knows Lofty, the Ancient Oak Tree, he’s been here longer than any other living thing. So, let’s tell everyone that the morning after the next full moon, we will hold a gathering of the Forest Creatures, right here, underneath the Ancient Oak Tree’s branches. The FOREST CREATURES all cheer and nod in agreement.

THE NORTH WIND: Yes, let’s all spread the news about this important meeting.

Scene 4 A Location: Grandma’s cozy living room

Logline: GRANDMA: The day of the meeting dawned clear and bright as the forest creatures assembled. Each living thing in the forest – from butterflies to bears – was represented. The Ancient Oak dressed in his finest shades of green. His leaves – polished by the North Wind – glistened in the morning sun. Birds of every color of the rainbow crowded his branches. Even the Night Owl swooped in and made a RARE daytime appearance. The Forest Creatures chatter excitedly as they wait for the meeting to begin . . .

GRANDMA shares another picture from the storybook with the children.

Essence I’ve discovered: Describing pictures in a story book creates opportunities to share more details and interest in subject.

Scene 4 B Location: Grandma’s cozy living room

New Logline: GRANDMA shares another picture from the storybook with the children. KATHY & PETER (simultaneously): Wow! Look at how BIG that Owl’s wings are! GRANDMA (smiling)Yes, they are. It’s called a Great Horned Owl, and its’ wingspan can be up to five feet wide to helps it fly quietly and quickly when it goes hunting for dinner. And now, boys and girls, let’s find out what happens at the meeting in the Forest.

Scene 5 A Location: Deep in the Forest near the Ancient Oak Tree

Logline: BENNY THE BROWN BEAR: Welcome. Thank you for flying, crawling, leaping, . . . (hesitatingly) . . .slithering . . . and otherwise making your way here today. (pauses, looks around slowly) We need your help in solving a mystery. (serious tone).The trees, which provide our food and shelter, are disappearing. But . . . But . . . who could go? asked NADINE the REINDEER. We all have babies to feed. All the FOREST CREATURES murmur their concern but none can offer to help.

Essence I’ve discovered: A youthful character taking on a challenge where others reluctant, sparks interest in the outcome.

Scene 5 B. Location: Deep in the Forest near the Ancient Oak Tree

New Logline: AT RISE: The FOREST CREATURES, assemble around the LOFTY the ANCIENT OAK TREE. ANNA the BANANA.

A TREE sways gracefully beside NADINE the DEER, TRICIA the BUTTERFLY, PEARL the PARROT, TOM the TURTLE, GRACE THE SQUIRREL and their friend TONY the RABBIT. The Four Winds, North, S, E, and West gently breeze around the LOFTY, the Ancient Oak Tree. Everyone chatters noisily. Enter ROXY THE ROBIN and her friend, BENNY THE BROWN BEAR. He picks up a broken tree branch and walks over to the tree stump near Lofty, the Ancient Oak Tree. BENNY THE BROWN BEAR (taps on the stump with the branch, pauses for quiet) The FOREST CREATURES keep on chatting, happily greeting old friends.

BENNY THE BEAR (loudly) AHEEM! (coughs much louder AAAHEEMMMM! A hush falls over the FOREST CREATURES.

They all murmur concern, shake their heads, offer various reasons why they can’t go look for the missing trees. ROXY the little RED ROBIN steps up to LOFTY the Oak Tree’s trunk, spreads her wings. ROXY ROBIN (emphatically) I will go! I am nearly grown, and my eyes are VERY sharp. THE NORTH WIND
It’s true. Roxy Robin may be small, but she is STRONG, SMART, and bold. Roxy is definitely the best one for the job. (The CREATURES OF THE FOREST nod in relief and agreement ) BENNY THE BROWN BEAR
Very well Roxy. We are all counting on you to solve the mystery of the missing trees.

The CREATURES OF THE FOREST (In unison) Hurrah for Roxy Robin! NORTH WIND
(Steps forward and stands by Roxy) I’ll go with you, Roxy, I’m strong and can lift you over mountains – higher than any bird has ever flown. Then you can search the whole world.

Everyone cheers.