Lesson 2

[Susan]

Susan McClary Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… Redoing my concept and having a set of story morals for this comedy of errors really helped me see the scene essences better.

Script I choose: MCSRM

Scene 1 Location: EXT New Chateau Duke Fabio Ferrari

Logline: Fabio wonders when his shower will be hooked up, Baldo the plumber skips out on his bicycle. Fabio follows in his new Fiat.

Essence I’ve discovered: Fabio wants to stop itching and shower to find sweetness in his life again while Baldo is rushing to lunch to feed himself into oblivion and to stop worrying.

New Logline: The Duke fumes and fidgets, tugs on his sweaty clothes, then spies Baldo riding away on his bicycle talking to himself, and again not installing the shower. Fabio follows him in his Fiat to find out what is going on.

Scene 2 Location: EXT Sofia’s Ristorante

Logline: Fabio spies on Baldo and enlists the help of a youngster

Essence I’ve discovered: Fabio uses candies to soothe himself of his anger, and uses sweets to entice a young boy to spy on Baldo inside Sofia’s

New Logline: Fabio spies on Baldo to soothe himself and believes it will work for others.

Scene 3 Location: INT Sofia’s Ristorante

Logline: Boy Eduardo uses Fabio’s cash to buy a slice of cake inside Sofia’s in order to follow Boldo when he leaves.

Essence I’ve discovered: Eduardo is in awe of Fabio and his artifacts. He wants to appease any “spirits” that may be connected to Fabio by doing his bidding and get sweets as a bonus. Baldo fills himself with food to stop his ghosts.

New Logline: Eduardo is intent on following Baldo, his life may be at stake. He does whatever it takes to succeed including being forced by Sofia to wash his hands before he sits down. Boldo stuffs himself.

Scene 4 Location: EXT Bookstore

Logline: Boldo refuses to compete with his Domino nemisis because he’s in a hurry to get his magazaines but then is frustrated by having to wait for Demetrio to open the shop at 4 pm after lunch.

Essence I’ve discovered: Boldo is obsessed with Mummies and can’t wait to get his magazines and book.

New Logline: Boldo refuses to compete with his Domino nemisis because he can’t think of anything else besides his Mummy literature. He gives in when Giotto points out the shop will be closed until 4 pm. Demetrio doesn’t return until 4:30 pm which torments him.

Scene 5 Location: INT Meeting Room of Muscalo’s Family Camorra headquarters

Logline: The Ragazzone Muscalo (the big guy) decides to go after the plumber who worked at the headquarters because nothing works.

Essence I’ve discovered: Muscalo kills anyone who screws with him. He’s an idiot

New Logline: The plumbing backfires in Muscalo’s face causing him to vow to kill the plumber who put in the faucet.

[Christi Falk]

Hi Susan, this is funny! Is this a short or feature? Very Toc Toc.

[Susan]

Thanks Christi. I believe it will be feature length. I haven’t seen toc toc.

[Christi Falk]

It’s a Spanish film where several patients are double booked for a doctor’s appointment. Their quirks are taken to the extreme and it’s very funny. Dropped off Netflix but I’m sure it can still be streamed somewhere. Your story reminds me of the humour of it!

[Christi Falk]

EDIT: I’ve learned what so many people tried to help me with for the past 10 years of evolution on this script- it needs a page one rewrite. Atleast now I understand from this course exactly what went wrong: the Knives Out Dilemma. Yes, there are those of you who may believe that was a good Murder Mystery. With the utmost of respect for those reading, it went wrong in the same way mine did. I made my suspects too interesting. The stars of the show. The detectives, while created richly, were second banana. I recently rewatched Knives Out on Prime and that confirmed my suspicions. Since a page one rewrite is not possible with a mystery to adhere to the strict timeline of this course, I’m going to switch to an Action/Adventure script I was able to write in 30 days. WAY simpler as there aren’t so many moving parts. That will be the script below and from now on. Also, if you’re still smarting about Knives Out, go ahead and find Ice House on Britbox. Daniel Craig as his most delicious investigating a cold case, P.D James style. It’s a bit heavy handed with the feminism but hey, it was the 90’s.

Christi Falk Puts Essence to Work – Again.

What I learned is that I can write Action/Adventure scripts with ease so I will be focusing on a Public Domain I wrote that Quarter Finaled in this years Screencraft contest. My hope is I can have as many Eureka moments as I had with the first script to make it a winner next year. I’m sure the main issue is pace, as one reader put it: It’s almost like your train of thought is a TGV express, which not only leaves the reader very little time to admire the scenery, but oftentimes during sharp turns, makes me feel like I am falling out of the window.

Script I chose: Man in the Brown Suit- Agatha Christie Public Domain

Scene 1 – Page 1 Bus Station

Logline – With nothing to lose, Anne is looking for adventure.

Essence – As we see from her brief interactions and reactions with those in the bus station, she’s just looking for family, a place of belonging. When the opportunity for adventure comes, she’s hesitant because of Carton’s death but excited that the last act he did before falling was to give her the travel documents.

New Logline – Anne finds purpose and a bit of mystery in accepting an all expenses paid trip to Greece.

Scene 2 – Shuttle Lounge P 7

Logline – Anne meets Suzanne as they’re headed to the same cruise.

Essence – Rattled by her encounter with Carton, then the Man in the Brown Suit, Anne literally runs into Suzanne, a southern belle who excitedly engages with her. Anne feels the warmth of her personality and begins to calm herself.

New Logline – Anne meets a gregarious fellow traveler while they wait for departure but the Man in the Brown Suit is lurking as well.

Scene 3 – Cruise deck P 13

Logline – Anne is seasick on deck as Suzanne and Duncan walk by, encouraging her.

Essence – Anne’s determination to go on an adventure meets a major setback. She is sick and feels terribly alone. Even tells them to ‘throw me overboard’. Chichester and Suzanne comfort her in different ways, showing her kindness.

New Logline – Anne is nursed by her new friends while the adventure at sea is paused.

Scene 4 – Anne’s Cabin Page 17

Anne protects the Man in the Brown Suit/aka Harry when he bursts into her cabin suffering from a stab wound.

Essence – So many questions here: Why was Harry aboard? Did he know this was her cabin or was he looking for someone else? Anne is newly healthy and in a split second decides to help the collapsed stranger. Anne is discovering who she is and what she’s wanting to become.

New Logline – Anne helps hide Harry from pursuers as she mends him, as others had done for her.

Scene 5 – Masquerade Ball P 24

Logline – Anne politely dances with the men who ask, including Harry who shows up in costume to talk on the dance floor.

Essence – No one is who they seem. Pagett tries to rise to social convention but clearly has a problem with women, Duncan very smoothly pumps her for information but sidesteps revealing anything about himself and Harry tries to pretend he’s tough but his dancing skills betray a rich upbringing.

New Logline – Healthy and in full detective mode, Anne puts on a mask to get to the truth of the characters around her.

***

Christi Falk Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is my script needs a complete overhaul. Which is mortifying as my pages run on the low side. Hopefully I can keep it at atleast 85 pages.

Script I chose: Locked Room Murder – working title.

Scene 1 – Page 7 Billings Manor Acreage

Logline- Law enforcement (Fielding, Nessa and Kevin) are called to a rich estate on the reports of a murder.

Essence I’ve discovered- Nothing is as it seems. The murder isn’t a murder, the law enforcement are present with ulterior motives and Jones, the usher, is set on blocking their every attempt at disturbing their guests.

New Logline- Fielding arrives to strong-arm his way past the gate as Nessa’s ‘I am the man in charge’ falls on deaf ears.

Scene 2 – Page 8 – Billings Private study

Logline- Fielding supervises the collecting of evidence as Nessa has evaluated the scene and Kevin examines the body.

Essence I’ve discovered – It makes way more sense to meet Bryce first. Rich ppl be crazy. The body has already been removed from the room and an unconscious Bryce is the only occupant. Fielding is demanding to see the body to no avail.

New Logline – Stymied by an overzealous servant, Fielding, Nessa and Kevin are stuck trying to sober Bryce Billings, the only witness to the murder.

Scene 3 – P 12 – West Wing Dining room and Makeshift Police workstation

Logline – Fielding interrogates a semi conscious/sober Bryce and then discuss TOD with Kevin, motives with Nessa.

Essence I’ve discovered- Without access to the body immediately, the questioning becomes different. The discussion with Kevin becomes how to move past the obstacle legally.

New Logline – While Fielding’s questioning of Bryce bears little fruit, Kevin pursues various angles both legal and gravity defying, to gain access to the body.

Scene 4 – Makeshift Police Dining room

Logline – Fielding, Nessa and Kevin confront Executives to demand access to guests and grounds.

Essence I’ve discovered – The confrontation becomes muddied. Is this a practical joke? It is his birthday after all. Don’t you have the murderer in Bryce? It was a locked room and he’s the heir. More and more confusion.

New Logline – Fielding, Nessa and Kevin discover things may not be what they seem as they interview Executives of the Billings Company.

Scene 5 – Billings Private Study

Logline – Cassie finds Bryce and has him help her with the business.

Essence I’ve discovered – Bryce will now shoulder more in a scene since he’s the first one introduced. This is very much his discovery of who he is once his father has passed as who he was before.

New Logline – Bryce tries to grasp his new position with his newfound sobriety as Cassie discusses business that can’t wait.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Christi Falk. Reason: Script Switcharoo!

[Anita Daher]

Good morning! What I’ve ALSO learned is that I need to apply this exercise to every scene in my script before I move on to the next lesson!

Anita Daher Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that looking and clarifying the essence in each scene to ensure it fits character traits and emotional arc strengthens the entire story.

Script: Coming Up Grimm

Scene 1 Location: (2^nd scene) Town road
Logline: Rebellious teen girl and best friend play a dangerous game.

Essence I’ve discovered: Eugenia will stand by her best friend even when she makes poor choices.

New Logline: Broken teen girl is loyal to best friend even when it means making poor choices.

Scene 2 Location: Eugenia’s brother’s kitchen

Logline: The morning after the night before, Eugenia endures a poor life choices lecture from her brother Darcy.

Essence I’ve discovered: Eugenia feels abandoned and rejected by her brother, and that this conversation is really about him not wanting her there.

New Logline: What begins as a brother to sister lecture ends in an argument with Eugenia accusing Darcy of getting away every chance he gets.

Scene 3 Location: Pool hall
Logline: Eugenia and Luda shoot pool and confront girls who take their table

Essence I’ve discovered: Luda shows a rare moment of being not in control.

New Logline: Eugenia is unsettled by her domineering friend and protector backing down from a confrontation.

Scene 4 Location: Side street
Logline: Cops take a report after the accident and Luda is loaded in an ambulance
Essence I’ve discovered: For perhaps the first time, Eugenia questions Luda’s controlling attitude toward her.

New Logline: As Luda is loaded in the ambulance after the accident, Eugenia is taken aback by her best friend’s apparent lack of trust in her.

Scene 5 Location: Courthouse
Logline: Eugenia and sister-in-law Jennifer say goodbye before Eugenia heads off with Noah to the Supervision program.

Essence I’ve discovered: Eugenia wears her abandonment like armour.

New Logline: As Eugenia says goodbye to her sister-in-law before beginning the supervised supervision program, she is bitter but also unsurprised that her brothers, her blood, aren’t there for her.

[Michael Jones]

M. Morgan Puts Essence to Work

I learned to distill every scene down to what I’m trying to accomplish in it. What’s the point of it? Is it necessary? How can I achieve it in a better way? More creative? More realistic? I ask a lot more questions and instead of tripping over similar details, find ways to elevate each scene based on the purpose being achieved by having it there in the first place.

Script I choose: Cup of Kings

Scene 1 Location: Act 1 Opening Intro

Logline: Characters in various places doing various things without reason.

Essence I’ve discovered: To gather most of the villagers together in time of peace and merriment.

New Logline: The whole village gathers to watch a competitive ‘capture’ race.

Scene 2 Location: Act I Catalyst

Logline: A member of a clandestine group in a different village demands the ‘Cup of Kings’ from the leaders of the village.

Essence I’ve discovered: To make the protagonist, Raegan, overhear a threat and go on a journey.

New Logline: Raegan escapes a close encounter with death while hiding from a clandestine group member from another village demanding the ‘Cup of Kings.’.

Scene 3 Location: Act I Debate

Logline: The main characters debate whether the journey is possible and if they actually want to do it.

Essence I’ve discovered: To move the group to take the journey.

New Logline: After the near death experience, they choose to leave that night.

Scene 4 Location: Act 2 Turning Point

Logline: Many separate parties follow after the main group.

Essence I’ve discovered: The main characters being followed.

New Logline: The characters awaken a barrow-dragon and all avoid becoming its next meal as they discover all who are after them.

Scene 5 Location: Act 3 End Teaser

Logline: The group argues over the purpose and direction of the quest and opt to go separate ways.

Essence I’ve discovered: The group splits apart.

New Logline: The group is broken up during the dragon battle, and they take separate routes.

[Danielle Dillard]

What I learned doing this assignment is going more in depth with the essence.

Scene 1 Location: Opening scene
Logline: Corey busts in his big sister’s room demanding that they go to the fair with Dennis, their mother’s boyfriend.
Essence I’ve discovered: Corey is really excited that he and his sister are going to the fair with their mother’s boyfriend, Dennis, but he’s nowhere in sight.
New Logline: Corey busts in his mother’s bedroom excitingly looking for Dennis to take him to the fair but sees his mother packing Dennis’ things and saying Dennis isn’t coming back.

Scene 2 Location: Joy’s House
Logline: Tina asks her mother, Joy, to babysit her kids at the last minute.
Essence I’ve discovered: Tina, desperate to meet a new love interest, uses manipulation to get her mother to babysit her kids.
New Logline: Tina, desperate to go on a sudden blind date, bribes Joy into babysitting by reminding her of how she dumped her off to babysitters years ago.

Scene 3 Location: Church
Logline: The pastor preaches about those who praise God but live how they want to live.
Essence I’ve discovered: Tina represents the kind the pastor is referring to.
New Logline: During a sermon the pastor talks about lukewarm believers as Tina secretly texts sexy photos of herself to men on a dating website on her cell phone hidden in her bible.

Scene 4 Location: Sunday School
Logline: Barry checks out the little girls playing in the Sunday school area.
Essence I’ve discovered: Barry is scoping his next victim.
New Logline: Barry pretends he’s looking for his niece in the Sunday school area when approached by Tina, but he’s really scoping out the little girls and studying which one he can approach.

Scene 5 Location: Tina’s living room
Logline: Lacey sees Tina laughing as she chats online.
Essence I’ve discovered: Lacey is concerned about who her mom, Tina, is chatting online with.
New Logline: Lacey, concerned and a little frightened, sarcastically asks Tina who her “next dad” is as she watches her chat online.