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Lesson 21
Reply to post your assignment.
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5 Replies
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Christi Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was to understand how to modernize it while being sensitive to today’s culture. I’ve recently read that there is a culture of sexual assaults on cruises that have been largely hidden.
Logline – Anne gets a knock at the door in the middle of the night and makes a split second decision to save a life.
Cover up Demand Reveal
He first appears to be a murderer at the train station, then Anne feels she must help him, Finally she realizes he’s a victim and she decides to help him.
The Man in the Brown Suit- P 17-19
INT. ANNE’S CABIN – EVENING
Anne wakes in her room, pushes her sheets off and rises in the dark. Moonlight from the port hole brightens the room. She walks closer to her door as she hears noises then a loud THUD.
ANNE
Who’s there?
She looks out the peephole but it’s covered. She latches the door and opens it a crack. The Man in the Brown Suit is slumped against her door.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
Please, help me.
She tries to look into the hallway but can’t see past him.
ANNE
You! No, go away.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
He’s coming. Please.. Please..
Anne pushes the door closed again, unlatches the door then steps back. The stranger falls forward onto the bed. She hesitates, then locks the door again and approaches him with the light switched on.
His shirt is half off and blood drips from a wound in his shoulder. She darts back to the door to look out the peep hole but the hallway is empty. She turns back to his unconscious form.
ANNE
How did you get that?
She picks up the receiver of the phone on the nightstand when there’s a KNOCK at the door.
She freezes, then puts the phone down and swiftly throws the blanket over him, dragging the body pillow on top.
She replaces the chain and answers again.
ANNE
Yes?
A STEWARDESS, 40s, matronly, stands in the hallway.
MINKS/STEWARDESS
My apologies, Miss, we’ve had reports of a drunken man on this deck.
ANNE
Oh no! Thank you, I’ll bolt my door.
The stewardess places a restraining hand on the door to prevent Anne from closing it.
MINKS/STEWARDESS
Miss, apologies but may I see inside your room to ensure he’s not there?
Anne wordlessly closes the door, then opens it showing the room. The body pillow masks his form.
ANNE
Do you want to check the bathroom?
The stewardess smiles to Anne as she turns to leave.
MINKS/STEWARDESS
Apologies for the interruption. I must say, you’re looking better Miss.
ANNE
Thank you, I appreciate you checking on me. Good night.
The stewardess is back in the hallway, looking in other directions.
MINKS/STEWARDESS
Good night.
Anne closes the door and locks it.
She pulls back the pillow to see the man in the brown suit, unconscious and bleeding from his shoulder. His shirt is off his shoulders and a stab wound is bleeding.
ANNE
Hello?
She feels for a pulse, then reaches for a first aide kit inside her suitcase. Confidently, she begins to clean then stitch the wound.
ANNE
It’s okay. I don’t have anyone either.
Once she finishes, she places a bandage on his back then sits uncomfortably in the chair and drifts off to sleep.
A few hours later, he stirs and Anne wakes.
ANNE
Hello.
He jolts up but then winces at his shoulder.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
What did you do?
He grabs a shirt and puts one arm through a sleeve, throws it over the other shoulder.
ANNE
Hey, you came to me.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
I thought you’d be…someone else.
He looks around the room then back at her.
ANNE
You’re welcome.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
Thank you.
ANNE
My name is Anne. Anne Beddingfeld. What’s your name?
He’s sullenly silent while he opens the door a crack and peeks out.
ANNE
Okay, I’ll call you John.
He turns back to her in alarm.
ANNE
Oh, that is your name. Okay, what would you like me to call you?
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
Nothing! Forget you ever saw me.
ANNE
Here, or at the subway station too?
He closes the door, then lunges towards her and pins her to the wall.
MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT
Is that your game? You want the diamonds first? The bounty on me as well?
Her voice catches with the shock of his sudden movement.
ANNE
You- You’re wearing my blouse.
He looks down to see buttons on the wrong side. He stares at her a beat, then laughs and releases her.
HARRY
Call me Harry.
He shrugs off her shirt and picks up his wrinkled one.
ANNE
Okay.
He’s back to the door and looks out the peephole before he turns to her again.
HARRY
I didn’t kill her.
ANNE
Who?
HARRY
Forget you saw me.
He returns to the door, looks out and disappears into the hallway.
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Wow! Christi, you really improved this since the last time you posted it.
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Susan McClary’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment….
I learned that there is so much more that can be going on. I got an entire scene
based just on looking for REVEALS! Some of the reveals were only partial
reveals and there were even more cover ups! Great. I love this. This is a
REALLY rough first draft. I have covid and I’m going back to bed.
Logline: Violetta receives a telegram.
1 – What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect?
a) I want to hide that the telegram is from her father the head of the Mazzarella
Camorra crime family, including that she is his daughter.
b) I want to hide the contents of the telegram, except for “Dearest Violetta, stop”.
c) I want to hide that the telegram that Violetta goes out to send is to her father,
and what it says.
2 – What are the characters hiding from each other?
Violetta:
a) Violetta who she is,
b) who sent the telegram,
c) what is in it except Fabio sees “Dearest Violetta, stop” over her shoulder,
d) and why she is going out…
e) she hides everything that she is doing from everyone else at the mansion.
Boldo:
Boldo is hiding that he is hiding from Muscalo Mazzarella a Camorra crime boss
who is already searching for him.
3 – What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, then
revealed?
4 – What is the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this
point?
a) Before and/or after the telegram Violetta expresses her disgust for Boldo, and
the things he does.
b) Fabio tries to casually look over Violetta’s shoulder to see if she has another
admirer. He sees the top, “Dearest Violetta, stop,” Violetta catches him over her
shoulder, and she hides the telegram
c) This causes Fabio terrible distress as he now thinks she has a secret suitor.
d) After the telegram Violetta confronts Boldo, asks to see his plumber’s license
(to see if it is forged/maybe she recognizes who forged it) and for references for
her employee files, and if Boldo doesn’t have them with them at least a list of
who he has worked for previously, etc.. Violetta could specifically ask about
Napoli.
Violetta Realizes Boldo is a fake plumber!
5 – Knowing the Story what could be under the surface that would create more
drama for my characters?
Fabio had a gambling debt to one of the Camorra crime families 20 years prior
(it was Muscalo’s father/Violetta’s grandfather) when he was a kid and stupid,
that his father paid up instead of Fabio getting his legs broken.
6 – Are there any deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and
doing?
Muscalo was disappointed in Violetta for getting fired from the Napoli orchestra,
and that she left home before getting married, so Violetta wants to do something
to please her father.
Fabio is dumb-stuck in love with Violetta and wants to ask her to marry him, but
is afraid because she is so beautiful.
Boldo has no idea Violetta is Muscalo’s daughter as she was already gone when
he did the plumbing (this will be revealed later when Muscalo comes looking for
Boldo)
Structure of the Scene:
Demand 1 – Violetta enters the chateau with a basket of flowers. She sees
Fabio in the entryway and puts a fresh cut flower in his buttonhole
like she does every day “Your boutonniere ,Sir.”
Cover Up 1 – Both pretend this gentle touch means nothing
Reveal 1 – Fabio revealingly with suspicion looks over Violetta’s shoulder at her
telegram, (semi reveal: to see if she has a secret suitor)
Demand 2 – Violetta receives a telegram while they are both in the entryway
Cover Up 2 – Only Violetta can see what is in it and who sent it, and hides it
from Fabio’s view
Reveals 2 – Fabio is suspicious but we don’t know yet that he is worried Violetta
has a secret suitor and tries unsuccessfully to view it over her
shoulder
Fabio throws his lapel flower to the floor and huffs out
Violetta is all wrapped up in the telegram and doesn’t notice
As Violetta turns toward the inner home she unknowingly steps on
the flower revealing just how important the telegram is
Also Reveals Violetta’s secretiveness
Demand 3 – Violetta receives a telegram (she says OH! and steadies herself on
the entryway side table)
Cover Up 3 – Violetta and her father have not been speaking since she was
booted out of the Napoli orchestra
Reveals 3 – Violetta opens a hidden box with a key and rereads her dismissal
from the orchestra with tears in her eyes (it says it was due to a
violent attack on another violinist)
Violetta detests Boldo
Demand 4 – Violetta demands Boldo meet her in her office with his plumbers
permit
Cover Up 4 – Boldo brings his forged permit which Violetta puts aside
temporarily to question him
Reveal 4 – Once Boldo has left the office Violetta examines the permit and
recognizes it is a forgery by a specific forger in Napoli that she
is actually acquainted with as she went to school with his daughter
(she could talk to herself about this)
Demand 5 – Violetta demands to see Boldo’s references
Cover Up 5 – Boldo says that his references are in a vault for safety and he
doesn’t have them with him.
Reveal 5 – This reveals Boldo is full of shit!
Demand 5b – Violetta demands Boldo give her the names of some of his prior
clientele, where his vault is, where he is from (checks his accent
against her original accent which she normally hides by speaking
upper class Italian).
Cover Up 5b – She demands he say certain words. Boldo tries to change his
accent!
Reveal 5b – Violetta really speaks with a Napoli accent and she curses in it
when Boldo exits.
Write the Scene:
SAN REMO ITALY
INT. DOORWAY CHATEAU CONTINUOUS
VIOLETTA ENTERS, bright sunshine streams behind her and gives her the appearance of an angel. She is carrying a basket of fresh cut flowers from the gardens.
FABIO bounds to meet her at the doorway.
VIOLETTA cuts one of the flower stems short and gently weaves it through FABIO’S buttonhole for his morning boutonniere.
Both VIOLETTA and FABIO pretend that this touch is meaningless.
VIOLETTA
For your morning walk, Sir.
A MESSENGER approaches the doorway on a beautiful STALLION.
The MESSENGER dismounts and walks to the still open doorway. He bows to them.
MESSENGER
I have a telegram for a Miss Violetta…
VIOLETTA
(Interupting him)
I’m Violetta.
The RIDER hands her the telegram.
VIOLETTA CONT.
Thank you.
VIOLETTA reaches into her apron and hands the MESSENGER a coin.
VIOLETTA walks away from the door further into the hallway and places the flower basket on the side table.
FABIO nods to the MESSENGER and closes the door. We hear the hoof steps of the disappearing Stallion.
VIOLETTA starts to open the telegram concealing the name on the outside.
FABIO walks behind her and suspiciously tries to look over her shoulder at the telegram.
FABIO, VIOLETTA, and WE see the words “Darling Violetta, stop.”
FABIO is taken aback.
VIOLETTA catches FABIO behind her and folds the telegram.
VIOLETTA CONT
Sir?!
FABIO
Violetta, it appears you have received a telegram. May I inquire if it is of an emergency nature that I could help you with?
VIOLETTA
Thank you Sir. It is not. It is personal.
VIOLETTA walks away from FABIO to a window for light to continue reading.
FABIO forcefully snatches the boutonniere from his lapel, throws it to the floor, and huffs to the door EXITING.
VIOLETTA completely caught up reading the telegram notices none of this. She suddenly reaches out to steady herself on the window.
VIOLETTA CONT
Oh!
VIOLETTA makes her way quickly to the kitchen believing BOLDO will be there eating again.
COOK MARY
(Turning away from the oven)
Good morning Miss. Can I get you something?
VIOLETTA
I am looking for the plumber. Have you seen him?
The COOK, MARY, points to a cabinet. As VIOLETTA passes the cook she makes a muffled SOUND LIKE A PIG – they both smile, then finds BOLDO hiding behind the side of a deep cabinet – his belly poking out, his mouth is filled and bursting with a croissant and jam.
VIOLETTA CONT
Mr. Boldo, please come to my office within the next 3 minutes. I need to speak with you. And clean your sticky hands before you come.
BOLDO, whose mouth is too full to speak, nods, puts the croissant down on a plate, and starts to wash as VIOLETTA EXITS.
We see BOLDO behind VIOLETTA picking up the croissant, finishing it and wiping his hands on his overalls.
VIOLETTA ENTERS her office. She pulls out a stashed box, and opens it with a key she had hidden in her bosom hanging from a silver chain around her neck.
VIOLETTA takes out a paper and unfolds it. VIOLETTA and WE see most of the page.
The LETTER reads, “Reason for Dismissal from the Naples Orchestra. We are sorry to inform you, you have been dismissed from your post of first violin due to your act of pouring coffee over the head of the person of the second violin. Our investigation found no other reason for your act of aggression other than you believed her violin to be out of tune. Francesca is not pressing charges, however we cannot condone that sort of behavior in our midst. Thank you for your years of wonderful music. We are deeply sorry to see you go.
VIOLETTA hears BOLDO’S loud footfalls, wipes a tear away from her eye, folds the letter and puts it in the box on her desk. She stands.
VIOLETTA CONT
Have a seat…
Mister Boldo, I would like you to show me your references from previous employers now please.
BOLDO
(Clearing his throat)
I must apologize Miss, all my references are stored in my vault.
VIOLETTA
(Looking down on the top of his head)
Where is this Vault, Sir?
BOLDO
(Stammering)
It is near where I come from, Miss.
VIOLETTA
(Feeling she is getting somewhere now)
And where exactly is that?
BOLDO
(Obfuscating)
Why where I was born of course.
VIOLETTA
(Deepening her inquiry)
How about you give me some names of your former employers so I can contact them?
BOLDO
I’m not good with names Signorina.
VIOLETTA
What city did you last work in before you came to San Remo?
BOLDO
Oh, I have been traveling Miss Violetta, so many places….
VIOLETTA
You wouldn’t have been in Naples would you?
VIOLETTA listens for a Naples accent.
BOLDO
(Quivering a bit)
Why, I don’t recall being in Naples Signorina.
VIOLETTA
Say Spaghetti.
BOLDO
(Confused)
Spaghetti.
VIOLETTA
Say Minestrone.
BOLDO
Miss?
VIOLETTA CONT
Just say it… Min-es-tron-e.
BOLDO
(Even more confused)
Min-es-tron-e
VIOLETTA CONT
(Curtly)
Mister Boldo, you know… I have never seen your plumber’s permit. Please present it to me now.
BOLDO reaches in his overall pocket and pulls out a ragged brown envelop and hands it to VIOLETTA.
BOLDO
Here it is Signorina.
VIOLETTA
(Dismissively)
Grazie, Mr Boldo. I will keep this temporarily, and return it to you tomorrow. You may go back to work now.
BOLDO
(Stuck)
Yes, Miss.
VIOLETTA ushers BOLDO out of her office and closes the door. She waits and listens for his heavy footsteps. She hears them, but checks outside the doorway anyway.
VIOLETTA sits down at her desk, opens and reads the permit. She raises an eyebrow.
VIOLETTA
(Talking to herself with stifled glee)
I knew it! That’s Giuseppe Fortunino the forger’s handwriting. Too bad for Mr Boldo, I went to school with his daughter Lucia!
VIOLETTA folds the permit and puts it back in the brown envelop and places it in the top desk drawer. She takes her box, locks it and puts it back in its original hiding place.
VIOLETTA stands up straight, looks toward the door and gives the already long gone BOLDO the BASTA (ENOUGH) hand gesture!
VIOLETTA CONT.
(In a Naples accent)
Stronzo! (Asshole)
FADE OUT
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Mike’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is the variety of ideas a lot of brainstorming can generate. So many of the ideas can lead in different directions with different results and it helps overcoming the idea that I have to stick with one and only one way to tell the seen. The sequence also helps structure scenes for interest. That, blended with character traits, max entertainment techniques, and scene essence can free any writer to tackle any character and any scene. Not saying I did this here, but that’s the goal I see to practice towards.
Demand 1: Thad learns that Morrigan belongs to a secret order and he wants to join it, but Morrigan gives him a task to begin the process.
Cover up 1: Thad suspects Morrigan is more than just a volunteer on the dig site.
Reveal 1: Morrigan will help Thad into the order if he steals the artifact from Atticus, Thad’s best friend.
Demand 2: Olivia’s lab sample to help her expose her the unethical practices at her job goes missing.
Cover up 2: Thad offers to help Olivia expose her lab but she must do this on her own.
Reveal 2: Thad gives Morrigan the sample with has the power to create a massive pandemic if released.
The artifact is the ‘crown of King Arthur’ said to be buried in Merlin’s grove which he sent to Avalon for when Arthur returns. Morrigan wants to use this crown and declare himself to be Arthur returned.
The reveals I set-up are for a potential episode of a tv series which can either be a half-hour or one-hour mystery/adventure. Here, I’ll highlight a scene from a possible episode. The main character is an archaeology undergrad struggling with life after university only to be given an opportunity by his cousin in a secret service of the government to find out the new interest on a dig site in the supposed resting place of the fabled King Arthur.
I wanted to focus on the first demand, cover up, and reveal. This is Thad’s turning point, a bad decision in relation to his lot with his life at the moment. This would be in the third or fourth episode of an eight to ten episode streaming series.
Logline: Thad threatens to reveal Morrigan’s ties to a secret order unless Morrigan lets him join it.
INT. LIBRARY – EVENING
Morrigan locks the door to his shop just as Thad rushes up and starts banging on the shop door. Morrigan gestures for him to go away, but Thad stands there, stubborn, refusing to leave, giving the occasional challenging bang on the door.
Morrigan, with reluctance, opens. Thad comes in and Morrigan locks the door behind him.
MORRIGAN
I’ll be at the site tomorrow. Can’t it wait until then?
THAD
Arturus Aeternum.
MORRIGAN
I was never good with languages.
Thad looks at a massive language section in Morrigan’s library.
MORRIGAN
Don’t have to be good at something to sell something.
THAD
I know what you’re apart of.
MORRIGAN
And that is?
THAD
I know what you plan to do.
MORRIGAN
If so, what do you have to do with it?
THAD
I’ll tell them. Then, you’ll never get it.
MORRIGAN
You want in? This way.
STAIRCASE
Morrigan holds a torch, leading Thad down a staircase into…
STONE CHAMBER
…a vast chamber replete with alter and other sacrificial vessels. Morrigan lights some torches near the entrance and turns a dial with sends the fire around the wall in a semi-circular slit.
Thad examines the altar but Morrigan takes hold of him and slams him onto the altar and chains his wrists and ankles to it.
MORRIGAN
Are you willing to pay the sacrifice?
THAD
What? Are you mad?
Morrigan sharpens a sacrificial blade.
THAD
I just wanted to join. That’s it.
Morrigan continues sharpening.
THAD
I won’t tell them. I swear it.
Morrigan brings the knife to Thad’s throat.
MORRIGAN
Good way to drain the blood. Hits the arteries that count.
THAD
Please, I just wanted in. I wasn’t going to say nothin’ to anyone.
Morrigan glares at Thad, then withdraws the blade and puts it away, resuming with calm chat, like nothing happened.
MORRIGAN
What are you willing to do?
Morrigan releases Thad from his bonds.
THAD
Whatever I must.
MORRIGAN
How far are you willing to go?
THAD
What must I do?
MORRIGAN
All this was to make sure.
THAD
Make sure?
MORRIGAN
That you could handle it.
THAD
Being sacrificed? Let me specify, I want to join, but by being alive.
MORRIGAN
I want the artifact.
THAD
He won’t hand it over. You’ve seen him. He’s become paranoid about it. He suspects something.
MORRIGAN
As you did, and here you are. That artifact is why I joined the dig.
THAD
What do you want?
MORRIGAN
You want in?
THAD
I do.
MORRIGAN
Then, find a way.
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What I learned doing this assignment was enhancing scenes with cover ups and reveals.
Logline: When two gang members plan to set up a rival for taking out their beloved gang leader, they learn that the one they’re really trying to set up is each other.
INT. SAFE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The living room is dark. The only light is from a lamp across the room giving off low light.
It is raining. Pimp Solo and the Rival sit in silence at the table. Pimp Solo aims a gun at the Rival and keeps a close eye on him. Slice enters the room.
PIMP SOLO
(to Slice)
I searched him. He’s clean.
Slice sits at the table across from the Rival. Rain taps on the windows as thunder pounds.
SLICE
I say we call a truce. Dollar Dan, your homies in those projects, my cousin Trigg, your daughter’s birthday party… we’re even now.
RIVAL
Then let me go. No payback from the birthday party shoot-out.
SLICE
Deal.
The Rival gets up and heads to the door. Slice reaches in the back of his pants, pulls out a gun and aims it at the Rival. The Rival stops in his tracks and turns around pointing a gun at Slice. Suddenly Pimp Solo puts his gun at Slice’s head. Slice freezes.
SLICE
This ain’t part of the plan, Pimp.
PIMP SOLO
I run the block now, Slice. Yo, Double R, blast!
The Rival cocks his gun.
PIMP SOLO
I said BLAST!
The Rival doesn’t shoot.
SLICE
He’s waiting on my command.
PIMP SOLO is confused.
SLICE
He works for me now. All I have to do is signal and he’ll blow your head off. What, you thought I’d let you get away with taking out my cousin Trigger T? Our leader?
PIMP SOLO
I didn’t kill Trigg –
SLICE
But you paid this guy to do it. You wanted Trigg’s place. Now you want mine, but I’m not gonna let you take it.
Slice makes a signal with his hand. PIMP SOLO flinches. The Rival leaves.
PIMP SOLO
What’s goin’ on?
SLICE
I’m out this gang. Gonna change my life for the love of my son. Gonna do the right thing. I’m not gonna kill you, Pimp. You’ll be haunted by what you did to Trigg for the rest of your life. That alone is like a slow death in itself.
SLICE puts his gun on the nearby table and leaves. Pimp Solo thinks about what he said. He fearfully looks around as the thunder pounds.
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