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Lesson 22
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Jerry’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment was story first, then speed draft, then redraft dialogue based on character traits
LOGLINE: Two enemies are negotiating a peace deal when one is killed leaving the other no-one to make peace with.
Essence: Jaw jaw comes before the end of war
Subtext: At the end of every war the only way you can make peace is with your enemy.2. Structure Interest Techniques
Put in a More Interesting Setting
An hotel room in Whereveristan which is heavily patrolled by the authorities. We see flames outside and hear shooting then all falls silent.
Major Twist
News comes through that the authorities have agreed to a peace conference.
Suspense.
The revolution is over and the bad guys have won. The two leaders of the revolution meet to discuss how they are going to respond.
Surprise.
Ibdul argues the revolution is over and they have lost but they should hide their weapons and flee with the hope of returning.
Character changes radically: Pierre disagrees and suggests they issue an order for their side to dump arms even though Pierre was the one that had funded the small group of revolutionaries that Ibdul had founded.
Intrigue
Ibdul is arguing for the rebellion to end despite he being the one who had been the most ruthless of leaders and targeting civilians; the purpose of terror is to terrorise.
Dilemma
They can fight on despite certain defeat, or they will run away to fight another day.
Mislead
Ibdul always wondered what had inspired Pierre to finance the revolution. Where had the money come from? USA? Russia?
Pierre wondered how the government seemed to know their every move? How long had Ibdul been in touch with the government?
?Ibdul seeks to drown the people in blood to set the stage for further revolutions and then dump arms before fleeing leaving the government no-one to negotiate with?
Mystery
The government has won the war thanks to the information supplied by someone in the leadership – one of them.
Superior Position
Pierre points his pistol at Ibdul. No more bloodshed. His government is alarmed at being held responsible for what they started.
Dramatic Irony
Ibdul laughs – what is Pierre talking about? He is the one working for the government to expose the revolutionaries and allow the government to scoop them up.
Uncertainty — hope / fear
The protagonist and antagonist verbally joust for their respective positions.
Something unseen
The hotel room is bugged.
Major Twist
Government agents storm the hotel room and Ibdul is shot dead.
Reveal
The government want them both dead.
Cliffhanger
With Ibdul & Pierre dead who will order the insurgents to surrender?
The government don’t want to talk peace they want to win. The government agents shoot them both dead.
The sound of fighting outside grows.
Scene #1
A shabby hotel room somewhere hot. A ceiling fan whirls and blinds cover the windows. Outside we hear sounds of shooting, the rumble of armoured vehicles, explosions etc.
Crouched over a table with a transmitter wearing headphones.
IBDUL
Hello, hello are you hearing me?
Pierre enters the room and throws his sub-machine gun on the bed and grabs a pair of beers from the fridge before sitting down at the table.
PIERRE
What’s
Ibdul holds his hand up to Pierre
IBDUL
OK…do your best then fall back. Out.
Ibdul drags off the headphones. Pierre knocks the top of the beers and passes on to Ibdul.
IBDUL
Thanks.
PIERRE
De nada. So how goes the battle?
IBDUL
We’re fucked. We didn’t capture the armoury now we’re reduced to throwing rocks at them.
PIERRE
The Central Bank?
IBDUL
The same. We turn up and there’s an armoured battalion sitting there already. It’s almost like they were waiting for us.
PIERRE
So what’s the plan? Die bravely or run for the hills?
IBDUL
I’ve a funny feeling that there’s a shitload of nasty waiting for us to do that…we are as the great and soon to be late General Custer said “fucked”. Now if
Pierre raises his hand.
PIERRE
Sussh.
IBDUL
I don’t hear anything?
PIERRE
And that me old son is the point.
Pierre points to a bedside radio.
PIERRE
Does that thing work?
Ibdul shrugs. Pierre brings it to the table and twiddles.
RADIO
…ceasefire. The government is waiting for a response from the rebel leaders and
The power goes out and the radio fades. All is silent.
PIERRE
Saved by the bell?
Ibdul carefully looks out onto the street.
IBDUL
They can’t do that! They have to ask us!
Pierre points to the radio.
PIERRE
They just have.
IBDUL
(snaps)
Not like that. There are…formalities. When I was in Officer school we
PIERRE
I think the winners decide the rules. Anyway thoughts?
IBDUL
Dump weapons and fade back into the people. They will
PIERRE
For what purpose?
IBDUL
To continue the revolution of course. This
(he waves)
is a battle, a battle I did not choose to
PIERRE
Now hold on! The Central
IBDUL
I am the Central Committee and
PIERRE
Wasn’t I there? I thought
ABDUL
As an advisor. As a courtesy from
PIERRE
Courtesy? Who do you think bankrolled this little
IBDUL
D’you I’ve often wondered that myself.
(beat)
PIERRE
Let’s just put that to one side for now my
IBDUL
For now.
PIERRE
vote is to wrap things up and call it a day. The government
IBDUL
To be clear which government?
PIERRE
(hotly)
The fucking one parked outside with big fuck-off tanks! That one! You’ve made your point! Now we have to wind this down before there’s a bloodbath which
IBDUL
May embarrass your government since it would come out that you’d stirred the whole mess in the
PIERRE
Hey, hey. It takes two to tango. We I never approved your targeting civilians.
IBDUL
To you think this is a game? The purpose of terror is to terrorise. We
PIERRE
U…no. There is no “we” here. We, I mean I, never
UBDUL
I’ve often wondered who you actually work for? The US, the Russians, some Hedge Fund?
PIERRE
Leave it. We have to decide
IBDUL
It is my curse and my destiny to decide for my people. They have
PIERRE
OK Mister Big Shot what have you decided?
IBDUL
I’ve decided I want to know how they were waiting for us? Every move we made there just happened to be someone sitting on the square. As though someone wanted us to go so far but no further.
PIERRE
Does it matter?
Pierre points to transmitter.
PIERRE
So what’s your answer?
IBDUL
My people will not forgive me if I stop now. We have shed so much blood for our freedom. We will make one last sacrifice then hide in the souks, the villages, with the people and
PIERRE
Oh for fucks sake!
IBDUL
(angry)
What! I was
PIERRE
It was fucking you! You tipped them off! This is your blood sacrifice!
Pierre snatches his pistol and points it at Ibdul.
PIERRE
Oh no. This has to end. It’s all gone too
IBDUL
Don’t you see. If we disappear they’ll have no-one to negotiate with. They be like how do you say the dog that caught a car?
IBDUL (cont’d)
You were never our friend. You just wanted us as a stick to beat the government with until they bent to your will.
PIERRE
I told them you were too bright.
Pierre shoots Ibdul between the eyes.
The door burst open and armed men storm in.
Pierre drops the pistol and falls to his knees with his hands clasped behind his neck.
PIERRE (cont’d)
Flamingo! Flamingo! Don’t shoot! Flamingo!
AGENT
You’re Flamingo? We’ve been listening to you. You’re the one that wants to give the order for the Rebels to surrender?
PIERRE
Yes, yes.
Pierre rises to his feet and moves to the transmitter.
PIERRE
Gentlemen if I may bring the curtain down now?
AGENT
Just when we’ve got the bastards between a rock and a hard place? I don’t think so.
PIERRE
Hey! My government
The Agent shoots Pierre between the eyes.
AGENT
Has asked my government to tidy up any loose ends.
The sound of fighting outside grows.
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Alfred Dunham’s Interest Scene
I got lost more than once, but I finally had the epiphany. The Interest Techniques do tend to write the story, and it’s a lot more direct this way than writing the script and then trying to force the Interest Techniques into it. Cool!
Situation: After being screwed over, Person A returns to Person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see that they are actually setting up Person B.
??? A is setting up B???
Albert influences the team to favor him over Bob, but it does not work. Bob is invited onto the team, so Albert decides to sham-celebrate Bob’s victory. Bob, it turns out is, in fact, the better choice, but no one (except Albert) is aware of this, yet. Out of guilt and ethics, Bob declines the position, and Albert joins the team. Later, the Coaches discover that Albert is physically compromised. Will they keep Albert or replace him with Bob?
I. STRUCTURAL
A. Suspense.
Bob is overcome with Albert’s presumed sense of fair play. Begs Albert’s forgiveness.
We know something of consequence is going to happen, and it is being withheld, thus causing us to wonder, worry, and want to know how it will play out.
B. Major twist.
Bob asks the committee to reconsider his invitation.
A sudden change in direction causes the characters to have to deal with new circumstances and their consequences.
C. Surprise.
Albert visits Bob after Bob has cost Albert a team position on the team. He brings hotdogs and beer to cheer on the team effort.
Create (or identify) a predictable pattern, then shock us with an unexpected occurrence. This is easily done in a Setup / Surprise pattern.
D. Put in a More Interesting Setting
Instead of a more local sailing event, make it the Winter Olympics – downhill skiing. Or maybe the Summer Olympics – swim team.
Brainstorm possible settings that could elevate the interest level. You’re looking for settings that would put the characters or their goals in jeopardy or add to the drama.
E. Mislead / Reveal.
Albert appears to be the better choice to his teammates, but he’s actually a colossal underhanded ass, even if he is sick.
Knowing what you want to reveal, take us in the wrong direction, then solve it with the reveal.
F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony
Unknown to the Committee, Albert is in the early stages of leukemia and probably won’t be able to perform when the time comes.
We know something that the characters don’t know, and it is even more powerful if the part they don’t know causes them to go in the opposite direction they should.
G. Uncertainty — hope / fear
Will the substitution prove beneficial to the team or not?
Alternate hope and fear by revealing details that make the goal appear likely, then unlikely.
H. Intrigue
The team members support Albert, and the Coaches can’t help but be aware of this.
Give clues that there are secrets that affect the other characters. Do this in a way that implies that one or more characters are being underhanded or scheming against the others.
I. Mystery
Why does Albert’s health problem get sidetracked and not get to the committee? Who did this?
In any unknown situation, there are three corners — What happened, Who did it, and How it happened. The mystery gives us one or two of the corners and demands we discover the missing corners.
We know what happened, but we’re obsessed with finding out who did it and/or how it was done.
J. Cliffhanger
Albert is suddenly out. Can Bob come back and uphold the team spot?
A startling conclusion with a major hook. Who shot J.R.?
K. Dilemma
The Committee gets Albert’s belated health report. Should Albert or Bob Perform? Bob is psychologically compromised; Albert is physically compromised.
Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.
L. Something unseen.
A partially seen someone is seen deep-sixing Albert’s health record.
Something or someone is causing or affecting this situation and we don’t see it.
II. CHARACTER
A. Character changes radically.
Albert turns out to be a liar, putting the entire team at risk.
We thought they were one person, then they turn out to be another. This could be a literal change or just a change of their position on the conflict.
B. Betrayal.
Albert’s counter-campaign for the remaining spot on the team has besmirched Bob’s character.
A character who is trusted turns against the main character.
C. Dilemma
If Bob bumps Albert, again, he will lose the respect of the team and not be able to perform at his peak; if he chooses to refuse, he will keep the team’s respect, but he will be unable to participate.
Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.
D. Uncomfortable Moment
Albert is confronted with his health issue and the probability that he had something to do with the disappearance of his true health report.
One or more characters are placed in an awkward or embarrassing situation.
E. Misinterpretation
Albert poses as a forgiving friend, and Bob falls for it.
An important part is perceived incorrectly, causing one person to act/react in an opposite way of the actual situation.
III. DIALOGUE
A. Hook
The coaches confront Albert about his deception.
Something unique, strange, compelling, or unusual happens that makes us even more curious.
B. Predictions
The team believes that with Albert back on the team, they’re destined to win.
A declaration about a specific thing happening in the future.
C. Creating a Future
The team can already feel the gold, in hand.
Things happening in the present are causing us to see a potential set of consequences in the future of the script.
D. Anticipatory Dialogue
The disruption in the team’s training is causing all sorts of problems and the coaches know they have their work cut out for them.
Things said cause us to wonder, worry, or look forward to an event in the future. These could be threats, warnings, predictions, fears, questions, etc. — all pointing to the future.
ALBERT AND BOB
First draft
PRE-SCENE
After a battle between Albert and Bob over the one remaining spot on the U.S. Olympic Swim Team (Albert claims he’s been muscled out) —
EXT. BOB’S BACKYARD – DAY
Albert and Bob take seats on Bob’s patio – drink cold beer and eat hotdogs.
BOB
Wow, Albert, I thought you’d hate me forever. This is a total surprise.
ALBERT
Forever’s too long. Eat up.
BOB
Thanks, Albert. You’re a better man than I am.
ALBERT
Forget it. It’s time to move on and support the team.
Bob raises his beer —
BOB
Go, team.
Albert laughs – raises his beer —
ALBERT
Go, team.
*****
LOGLINE
A young swimmer makes his way onto the Olympic swim team by intimidation and deceit, but karma snatches it away – again.
SCENE
INT. POOL CLUBHOUSE – DAY
Albert enters Coach Smith’s office.
COACH SMITH
Hello, Albert. I called you in because Bob left the team.
Albert takes a seat – shows an irritatingly pleased-but-faint smile.
ALBERT
What on earth for?
COACH SMITH
He seems to think his aggressive campaigning for the spot was un-sportsman-like – maybe unethical. and it will spoil his mindset.
ALBERT
I didn’t expect that.
COACH SMITH
Neither did we. So, go. Suit-up.
LATER
Albert enters the pool area, opposite the coach’s office.
TEAMMATE 1
(ecstatically)
Albert. What are you doing here?
ALBERT
Your plan worked. Bob resigned – weak-minded twit. He fell for it hook-line-an-sinker.
TEAMMATE 1
Good. That’s great to have you back on board. Now we’re sure to win the gold.
Coach Winslow shows up.
COACH WINSLOW
Everybody. Into the pool – laps.
FLASHBACK – INT. HEMATOLOGY – HOSPITAL – DAY
A phlebotomist draws Albert’s blood.
LATER
INSERT: A PATIENT CHART, which reads
“Dx: Leukemia”
BACK TO FLASHBACK
LATER
INSERT: A LETTER, which reads –
“Sirs:
We regret to inform you that Albert Camus did not pass his physical examination.
Dr. Shah, M.D.”
BACK TO FLASHBACK
A pair of hands holding the letter feed it into a paper shredder.
LATER
The same hands fold a similar letter – stuff it into an envelope.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
LATER
After two hours of laps, Coach Winslow pulls Albert aside.
COACH WINSLOW
What gives Albert? You’re falling way behind the others.
ALBERT
I don’t know. I just feel tired, today. Didn’t know I’d be here.
COACH SMITH’S OFFICE
Coach Smith sees a large manila envelope slide under his door.
He retrieves and opens the envelope and reads the note inside.
Coach Smith rushes out of his office and calls —
COACH SMITH
Winslow. I need to see you.
Coach Winslow trots over to Coach Smith’s office, and Coach Smith closes the door behind them.
COACH SMITH
Take a look at this.
Coach Smith hands the note to Coach Winslow, who reads it with apprehension.
COACH WINSLOW
This would explain everything. His times are way off.
COACH SMITH
His physical report from the hospital said he passed. I think we better find out what’s going on.
Coach Smith dials his phone —
INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
DOCTOR SHAH
Doctor Shah, here.
COACH SMITH
This is Coach Smith, doctor. I just received a note that one of my swimmers has leukemia. I don’t understand. He passed his physical.
DOCTOR SHAH
No, no, no. He did not pass his physical.
COACH SMITH
So, he does have leukemia?
DOCTOR SHAH
I’m sorry, but I can’t discuss that with you.
COACH SMITH
Yes. I understand. Thank you for the report confirmation.
END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Coach Smith hangs up, shaking his head.
COACH SMITH
(to Coach Winslow)
Well, the boy’s sick, somehow. He didn’t pass his physical.
COACH WINSLOW
I thought so. Now what?
COACH SMITH
Both we and the hospital, are in the middle of a big, legal mess. Bob’s back on the team.
COACH WINSLOW
Think he’ll be psychologically up to it?
COACH SMITH
What do you think?
COACH WINSLOW
Maybe. Then, again, maybe not.
COACH SMITH
That’s the problem. On or off the team, we’re going to have one hell of a time getting then back together again as a unified group.
Coach Smith picks up his telephone, again – dials.
INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
COACH SMITH
Bob. Get your butt back over here. Like it or not, you’re still on the team.
BOB
What about Albert?
COACH SMITH
We can’t discuss that.
END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Coach Winslow opens the office door and calls Albert over.
COACH WINSLOW
So when were you going to tell us about your leukemia?
ALBERT
Who told you that?
COACH WINSLOW
It certainly wasn’t the hospital or your doctor, now, was it?
ALBERT
I’m not saying anything.
Coach Smith hands Albert the note.
COACH SMITH
This was slipped under my door.
ALBERT
Well, it’s not true.
COACH SMITH
You didn’t pass the physical, Albert. The letter we got was a fraud. You want to debate that, too?
ALBERT
I want to talk to my lawyer.
COACH SMITH
Your choice, but you’re off the team.
COACH WINSLOW
Your performance today was awful. You might want to mention that to him while you’re talking to him.
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Lynn’s Interest Scene – 1st Draft
What I learned doing this assignment is I had to think up a more dramatic situation as my first choice was pretty lame, and then it was easier to add in Structural and then Character ITs. I can now more easily up the dialogue ante on my next draft.
LOGLINE: Shana, working from home, balls out husband Jack in front of his poker buddies, he pacifies her, then once his buddies leave goes in for the big attack.
INTEREST TECHNIQUE IDEAS:
1. STRUCTURAL
A. SUSPENSE: Ron tells Jack he shouldn’t let wife dominate. J: I know. I’ll take care of it
B. MAJOR TWIST: Shana doing business on zoom meeting, then sudden loud noise from other room makes her stop and go there. Jack is having a fine time with friends, the Shana balls him out, shames him in front of his buddies, and he has to deal with it.
C. SURPRISE: The policeman is outside. It’s a movie! However, surprise, the gun is real and loaded. It’s a real homicide.
D. PUT IN A MORE INTERESTING SETTING: Ramshackle home. Courtroom.
E. MISLEAD / REVEAL: We think it’s real, but it’s just a movie, but then we find out the murder is real…And that the 2 stars have issues in real life.
F. SUPERIOR POSITION / DRAMATIC IRONY: The police are called by neighbors and are outside. Those inside the house don’t know.
G. UNCERTAINTY — HOPE / FEAR: Hope the guys will keep it down so Shana can do her work. Fear when noise gets loud. Fear when Shana gets angry and spills the beans about her supporting them.
H. INTRIGUE: Jack is getting money from Shana, and has found her stash… to lose at gambling.
I. MYSTERY: Jack thinks someone’s sleeping with his wife.
J. CLIFFHANGER: He kills Shana in the movie, but the gun was really loaded and she’s actually dead. What will happen to Vance (AKA Jack), the defendant, since he was having issues with Marge (AKA Shana) in real life and someone knows about it?
K. DILEMMA: Shana can confront Jack and bring on problems, or let him make noise and perhaps lose her job.
L. SOMETHING UNSEEN: They start the poker while Shana (unseen) is doing business in the bedroom, then we hear loud noise from Jack. Baby or small child is there, we don’t see it until it starts crying loudly. They are making a movie; we don’t see the director, but hear his “Cut!” And the whole thing is playing out in a courtroom.
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2. CHARACTER
A. CHARACTER CHANGES RADICALLY: Shana very polite with business associates, but like a witch with Jack. Jack jovial with buddies, but violent killer. And they are both actors, but then they have problems and are real bitches.
B. BETRAYAL: Jack’s friend, Harry, is having an affair with Shana. Harry is the only one who meekly defends her.
C. DILEMMA: see above.
D. UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT: Uncomfortable 1. when noise starts, 2. when Shana balls out Jack, 3. When Jack discusses with buddies, 4. When the actors allude to their personal problems.
E. MISINTERPRETATION: Shana thinks all is okay, even after disclosing his lack of employment and her supporting him, and continues to ball him out.
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EXT. RAMSHACKLE HOME – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING
A dinky home in a bad neighborhood. Light emanating from the windows.
INT. RAMSHACKLE HOME – NIGHT
This is a two-bedroom dump, the living-dining room a mess, set up for a poker game on the formica dining table. Five chairs are squeezed around it. Low volume boombox music.
JACK (30s) sets out chips, beer in an ice chest.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Jack goes to answer. In saunters RON (30s).
JACK: Hey, Ron. Where’re the guys?
RON: Coming with Harry. Hope you have the funds to stay in the game this time.
JACK: (whispering) No problem. I found the stash.
MORE KNOCKING. The door opens, TWO GUYS and HARRY (30s) come in. HI-FIVES and LAUGHING. They settle around the table, and get started.
FROM THE BEDROOM DOOR, SHANA (late 20s) sticks her head in. A beauty with a stylish do and make-up, oddly out of place here. We don’t see her attire.
SHANA: Hi guys. Have fun, but please keep the noise down. And… Jack, remember our limit.
The guys look her way. She shuts the door, they return to setting up their game.
RON: (to Jack) Do you let her boss you that way?
JACK: (shrugs) What can I do. Gotta please my woman or she just might fly away (glare at Harry)
HARRY: Yeh, that’s the best policy.
BEDROOM
Unlike the living room, this small room is clean and neat. A double bed and small desk with computer. Shana, in business jacket and torn jeans, settles in at the desk. Behind Shana, a neutral backdrop.
The computer displays a Zoom meeting with TWO BUSINESSMEN and A BUSINESSWOMAN waiting for her.
SHANA: (to the computer) Had to take care of something. Now, Frank, you were saying about last week’s report…
FROM THE LIVING ROOM we hear LOUD BOOMBOX MUSIC vibrating the door.
LIVING ROOM
Ron is upping the volume.
RON: That ought to teach her to sass my buddy.
JACK: I donno, she can get purdy mad… But, hey, I’ve had enough of her guff.
He shrugs and deals.
THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS.
Shana marches in, stands before the group.
SHANA: (shouting over the boombox) I told you to keep it quiet and what do you do. Make is louder!
She goes and turns off the boombox, whirls toward Jack.
SHANA: I’ve had it, Jack! You’re a no good, lazy bum who doesn’t earn a cent.
She doesn’t note the surprise on the buddies’ faces, but Jack does, his jaw grinding.
SHANA (CONT’D): I have to support us. And by working remotely because of your insane jealousy. And then you make it impossible for me to work from home. And you spend all our money on gambling. (turns to the group) You’re ruining our lives! I want you all out of here! Now!
Three buddies arise to leave. Ron and Jack alone remain seated. Ron signals for them to sit back down.
JACK: Come on, now, Shana honey. This is the only fun I have.
Jack gets up, goes apologetically to Shana. Clasps her arms, soothing.
JACK (CONT’D): We’ll be quiet until your meeting’s over. Okay?
SHANA: (relenting) It’ll be over in about an hour. So, if you could just keep it down until then–
She disappears back into the bedroom. The guys return to their places.
RON: Pussy-whipped.
Jack glares at him.
HARRY: No, Ron, Jack’s right for letting her have her space, do her thing.
Jack looks daggers at Harry.
JACK: (sarcastic accusation) Always taking her side, Harry. I wonder why?
Harry puts hands up in a whoa gesture.
RON: I wonder what happened to your big fat construction job, Jack. Not earning even a cent from it?
JACK: Okay, okay, guys. I think our game night is over… Let’s do it at Ron’s house next time. Huh, Ron?
Ron and others get up to leave.
RON: You know my mother’s there, dying from cancer. Can’t do it.
JACK: Well, it looks like I can’t do it either… at least not until I take care of matters.
The guys say their good byes and leave.
BEDROOM
Shana’s in her zoom meeting when Jack bursts in, fire in his eyes and on his face.
JACK: You stinking, rotten bitch!
ON THE COMPUTER: Zoom people, shocked.
EXT./INT. STREET CURB/POLIC CAR – NIGHT
In the cop car in front to Jack’s house a POLICEMAN (40s) speaks.
POLICEMAN (INTO SHOULD MIC): Are you sure this is the address. I don’t hear any loud noise. (beat) Well, I can wait a few minutes more, but I have to attend to real crime calls.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shana is holding the computer defensively, HER SLOT on zoom going haywire. Jack approaches her slowly, prepping his attack.
ZOOM MAN (COMPUTER): Is everything okay there?
Shana backs away. Jack reaches over grabs the computer and smashes it against the desk, then slaps her hard across the room. The computer goes off, maybe damaged.
JACK: Don’t you ever shaming me in front of my buddies again.
Shana gets up, moves behind the desk
SHANA: I’m sorry, Jack. I just get so mad.
Jack circles around toward her.
Shana opens the desk drawer, revealing a pistol.
JACK: I know what you and Harry are up to behind my back.
SHANA: No, Jack. There’s nothing between us.
Shana pulls the pistol as Jack lunges for her. He grabs the pistol from her.
JACK: You lying, unfaithful bitch.
Shana SCREAMS. A child’s SCREAM echoes hers.
FROM THE DOOR a GIRL (6) stands crying.
GIRL: No, Daddy.
Jack doubles down in anger and violent intent, then shoots Shana with a LOUD BANG.
EXT./INT. STREET CURB – NIGHT
POLICE (ON SHOULDER MIC): I heard that too.
He springs out of his car.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
The policeman bursts into the room, gun pulled. Jack is standing over Shana, lifeless on the floor. The child has thrown herself over the body, crying.
ZOOM OUT to see we are in
INT. A COURTROOM – DAY
The PEOPLE in the courtroom are viewing the movie footage ON A SCREEN.
AN ATTORNEY is sitting next to VANCE (AKA Jack from the movie) at the defendant’s table.
ON SCREEN: The girl looks up straight at us into the O.S. camera terrified.
GIRL (ON SCREEN): I think Marge is really dead. The blood keeps coming. Not from the fake place.
ON SCREEN: A MAN’S O.S. VOICE from the movie.
MAN (O.S.): Cut!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (whispers to Vance): Vance, are you sure no one knows you were having problems with Marge?
VANCE: No one, except Larry, the guy humping her, but Larry’s wife is pathologically jealous, so I doubt he’ll speak up.
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BTW, just read a very good article on Suspense that used THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION to show there can be a lot of suspense even in a drama: https://scriptmag.com/breaking-entering-barri-evins/what-will-happen-next-the-art-of-suspense?utm_campaign=SPM%20-%20Script%20Newsletters&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=263461135&_hsenc=p2ANqtz–iYTCuiHjfCoML6JUn40vIxq5M-4qOm9ya9n06Bif2Gd-wM06llyoIbsMMSvOTXxZXEuvf1HLw5aWTnDd0yEavSUuneQ&utm_content=263265017&utm_source=hs_email
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David’s Interest Scene
What I learned is the necessity of maximizing the interest in every scene.
Logline: An ad man sets his boss up for a fall.
Interest Techniques Used: I tried to use as many as possible
INT. BATHROOM, AD AGENCY
JEFF, a plump ad man (30s) gazes in the mirror, wiping away tears that trickle down his cheeks. Just then, his dapper boss RICK (40s) strolls in…
Seeing Jeff, Rick stops. His face whitens. It’s fucking awkward. Head down, Rick marches into the closest stall and shuts the door.
JEFF: Hey, uh… I was gonna go and… look, I-I don’t want any bad blood between us. Okay? It’s your ad, it’s cool. They’ll be others.
RICK O.S.: I appreciate you saying that.
J: Kia’s all you, man. Take it and run.
R: I’ll shoot it up the flagpole.
J: I don’t want any credit or shout out, er… seriously.
R: Won’t forget all your hard work, that’s for sure.
He lets out a squeaky fart.
J: Great. Well, uh… glad we cleared the air (makes a face- awful stench). Honestly, I just wanna wipe my hands of this (wipes his hands) and get bustin’ on the Zales ad.
R: I’m sure it’s gonna be great. You got talent, my friend.
J: Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
Just then, an EXEC (50s) storms in, frantic-
EXEC: Seen Peterson?
R: Geez! What is this, Grand Central Station?
EXEC: Meeting in the conference room- now! (to Jeff) Sorry, execs only.
J: All good. I got a Zales ad to write.
EXEC: Hopefully it turns out better than Kia.
They both exit the bathroom.
R: Wait- what?
And flushes the toilet.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Rick gets blasted by the boss for the Kia ad. Jeff lumbers past the glass wall, sipping a coffee, a slight grin on his face.
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Beth Zurkowski interest techniques
What I learned doing this is set ups are hard to do.
Logline: Dad and Jeffery spend some time at a spooky fair.
INT:MODEL T-DAY- 1920
Dad and Jeffery arrive at the Summer Fair.
DAD
Now Jeffery stay in the car I’ll be right back.
JEFFERY
Awe, but dad.
DAD
Do as you are told. I’ll get you a toy.
JEFFERY
Yay.
As Jeffery dances around, Dad gets out of the car and walks to the fair. Jeffery watches him out the window. He rolls down all the windows to get more air in the hot car. Fair music drifts into the car. A dapper man approaches the window.
CANDY MAN
I have a large candy cane here. Do you want it?
JEFFERY
Yes.
CANDY MAN
You have to follow me to the fair.
Then Jeffery sees other kids hanging around as well. The man starts walking to the fair and the kids follow him. Jeffery opens the car door and gets out and follows along.
EXT. FUNHOUSE-DAY
The kids are led into a fun house.
INT. TOY SHOPPE- DAY
Meanwhile Dad is looking at toys. He picks out a wooden train and buys it.
EXT. FAIR-DAY
He heads back to the car where he doesn’t find Jeffery. Dad throws a temper tantrum and distroys the train. He heads back to the fair to find Jeffery. He throws the train in a trash barrel near the entrance.
INT. FAIR-DAY
Candy man and kids are having a great time going through the fun house. Jeffery grabs a midget’s arm.
JEFFERY
When do we get the candy? I gotta meet my dad at the car. He said he’s getting me a toy.
MIDGET
Here’s your share.
He hands Jeffery a small candy cane to suck on. Jeffery smiles and chews it up and swallows. He has a change of heart.
JEFFERY
I’m going back in the fun house. Yay.
EXT.FAIR -DAY
Dad can’t get in. There seems to be an invisable barricade in the way. He pounds on it.
DAD
Let me in.
INT. FAIR-NIGHT
The kids and Jeffery continue to go through the fun house.
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Lesson22
Jo’s Interest Scene
What I learned: While the techniques of this lesson are valuable, they also take a bunch of time to write out and type.
Situation: After being screwed over, Person A returns to person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see they are actually setting up person B.
Logline: Grace, Madeline & Iris initiate a revenge plot against Nursing Home Administrator, Lemoyne, after he takes them to court for physical plant damages they caused.
Interest Techniques Ideas: I am not going to type all my worksheets as I am having to type each lesson twice before posting.
Scene:
INT/EXT. RAMSEY COUNTY COURTROOM, DEVIL’S LAKE, NORTH DAKOTA – DAY
Seated at the prosecution table is Lemoyne Larkin, Administrator at Sunset Nursing Home. The three defendants are Grace Hilliard (76), Madeline Hunter-Kennedy (70) and Iris Sinclair (65). Grace is picking lunch out of her teeth, Madeline is applying lipstick, and Iris is brushing her waist length hair.
BAILIFF: All rise. The honorable Judge Kane presiding. Case number 504 Larkin vs. Hilliard, Hunter-Kennedy and Sinclair.
Everyone stands. The robed judge takes the bench. He shuffles papers and takes off his reading glasses. Everyone sits.
JUDGE: I see you girls have been busy.
IRIS (under her breath, sarcastically) Yup, we bad girls. Shame, shame.
JUDGE: You’ve racked up charges of destruction of private property, elder abuse…
GRACE (stands) what do you mean, elder abuse? The three of us you sent there for community service are the elderly! And yes, we were abused by that idiot, Lemoyne!
The court onlookers burst out laughing. The judge pounds his gavel.
JUDGE: Order. Order in this courtroom. Any further disturbance and I jail all of you for contempt. This is the only warning you will receive. (Pause) Mrs. Hilliard, where is your counsel?
GRACE: Mr. Judge, Sir, I don’t need no man to counsel me.
The judge is about to lose his temper.
JUDGE (Cont.): Where is your attorney…your lawyer?
GRACE: I am my own lawyer. I represent Madeline and Iris as well.
JUDGE: Ladies, is that satisfactory? Are you in agreement?
Iris and Madeline nod their heads in the affirmative.
JUDGE: Well, then let’s get to it. It looks like you’ve racked up $50,000 in damages to Sunset Nursing Home, Inc. The court will allow you 6 weeks to pay restitution. You know the drill since you’ve been through this a few times. I am real tired of seeing your faces here, so you ladies and Lemoyne best find a way to get along.
GRACE: Thank you, Judge.
Lemoyne struts out of the courtroom with his head held high. He stops in the hallway and drinks at the water fountain.
Grace with Madeline and Iris following, enter the hallway.
GRACE: Lemoyne, wait up. I wish to speak with you.
Lemoyne bristles then decides to crow his victory, brushes down his new brown plaid J.C. Penny suit.
LEMOYNE: Well, well. Look who had to eat crow! I rather enjoyed the whole ordeal!
Grace begins to bristle, then controls herself. She tries out her sweetest voice and demeanor.
GRACE: Yes, well that was predictable, now wasn’t it?
LEMOYNE: I ‘spose so.
GRACE: Well, since we still have to work together for a few more weeks let’s let bygones be bygones. What say we declare a truce and start fresh.
Grace reluctantly offers her hand shake. Lemoyne hesitates then with a smart-ass grin he reaches out and they consummate a brief handshake. The look on their faces tell that agreeing on anything is objectionable to both parties.
Lemoyne opens the front glass doors and jumps down the courthouse steps, two at a time.
Grace returns to her friends.
MADELINE: you sure made a happy boy out of him!
IRIS: It was the right thing to do.
GRACE: Bingo!
The three ladies giggle as they descend the courthouse steps taking each step one at a time by planting both feet firmly on one step before taking the next.
INT. SUNSET NURSING HOME – DAY
Shift change is taking place. Day employees punch in time cards while the night shift simultaneously punches out. They acknowledge one another and some plan to meet at Canyon Creek Bar and Grille for breakfast. Chatter. Chaos. Then quiet.
Lemoyne enters the facility whistling and unlocks his office. The secretary rings his office. Lemoyne answers, lights a cigarette and crosses his feet on his vacant desktop. Lemoyne feels important and he is having a good day.
Grace appears from the janitor’s closet. Iris appears from the linen closet. Madeline appears from the nurse’s supply room. Their eyes meet. They nod to one another. The plan is on.
Madeline runs breathlessly into the Administrator’s office, interrupting Lemoyne’s phone call. He blubbers an objection, but Madeline being his superior in height, weight and strength, takes a hold of his tie, hangs up his phone, pulls him up out of his executive chair and leads him behind the nurse’s station, and into the medical supply room. She locks the door behind them.
MADELINE: Lemoyne, you have to witness this. We’ve had a break in! Look here.
She points to the empty spaces in the drug cabinet.
MADELINE: We are missing Morphine, Haldol, Percocet, Thorazine and or cannabis sativa ointment.
LEMOYNE: We must call the Sheriff immediately.
MADELINE: Oh honey, the Sheriff can’t handle this. It is over his head. Things like this go to the DEA. I think you and I can handle this by our little old selves, but first I have a little surprise for you. I made these chocolate fudge brownies for you. They are your favorite. I remembered! Just for my favorite Administrator. The way you took command in court, well it just turned me on. I just couldn’t ignore my feelings any longer.
Madeline shoves Lemoyne down in her cuddle chair, loosens his tie, unbuttons his shirt. She unbuttons the top two buttons of her blouse as she sits on the arm of the chair. He has a clear view of her cleavage.
LEMOYNE: I can’t fraternize with the employees. It’s against company policy.
MADELINE: Why, Lemoyne honey, I’m not an employee. I’m a volunteer. So anything we do here, stays here. We need to eat all these brownies and drink this nice chilled wine to celebrate your win in court yesterday.
Madeline hands Lemoyne a glass of wine and a napkin with a brownie on it.
LEMOYNE: That was something wasn’t it. I did do good, didn’t I?
Lemoyne takes a bite of his brownie.
MADELINE: You were so wild. My hero!
Madeline sits on the arm of the chair and rubs Lemoyne’s chest. Lemoyne stares at her chest.
LEMOYNE: A hero? Really?
MADELINE: A real tiger. Grrrrrr. Would you like one of my cigarettes?
LEMOYNE: Sure! What brand?
MADELINE: Oh, they are home rolled.
LATER…..
Lemoyne is high. Madeline has stripped him down to his tidie-whiteys. She busies herself cleaning up the brownie and wine evidence.
Grace has invited the Sunset CEO and Board of Directors for a facility tour. They pour into the facility talking shop.
Iris has routed the ambulatory and wheelchair residents into the lobby. The staff are scattered among the residents.
GRACE: (to CEO) Excuse me, I must notify our volunteer RN that we are ready. She has made some impressive upgrades to the nursing department.
Grace knocks on the R.N.’s door.
GRACE: We are ready for you.
MADELINE: Be there in a jiffy!
Madeline emerges from the medication room. She approaches the CEO and shakes his hand.
Lemoyne emerges from the medication room He sports a big grin and his words are slurred. He weaves from side to side until he is in full view of the dignitaries and the residents. He tries to quit giggling but cannot control himself. He is high and drunk.
The CEO and the seven Board of Directors take note of Lemoyne’s state and his lack of dress. They gasp. They are speechless.
LEMOYNE: Where did you go my honey?
He makes smooching sounds as he looks for Madeline who has disappeared among the residents and staff. Then he sees the guests.
BEAT
LEMOYNE (cont.): Oh, hi there. What brings guests to my facility on a Monday morning?
The staff and residents howl with laughter.
GRACE: Bingo!
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Brenda Boddy – Interest scene
What I learned – this scene was uncomfortable to write, but I felt I should be able to write anything a producer needed. I did the interest techniques first which really ‘wrote’ the scene below.
Logline: After being raped, Katherine uses her charms to poison Easton.
Essence: Revenge
Character A (Katherine): intelligent, vengeful, conniving, driven.
Character B (Easton): successful, womanizer, smart, powerful.
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
A woman, KATHERINE (19) stumbles into the bathroom, clutching her purse. She stands in front of a mirror, her face streaked with mascara tears and her hair disheveled. She buttons up her rumpled blouse, noticing a small rip in the material at the shoulder, and tucks it into a fingertip length black skirt. A shaking hand smooths her hair into place.
A man, EASTON (42) opens the door and hands her a drink, leaning on the doorframe.
EASTON
Here. Pull yourself together. You’re acting like a fucking baby.
Katherine takes the glass of wine numbly, setting it carefully on the counter.
KATHERINE
I told you. I didn’t want this.
The man’s gaze runs familiarly down Katherine’s form.
EASTON
Damn, you’re sexy. Even with that crybaby face. You’ve got blood running down your leg. When you’re cleaned up, we’ll have some dinner together.
Easton grabs a washcloth from the cabinet and hands it to Katherine who dabs at her leg, tears starting to flow again.
EASTON
You ain’t going to make it in this world if you don’t learn to co-operate better.
Easton grabs Katherine’s hair and pulls her head back, running his mouth down her neck.
KATHERINE
I have to go the bathroom. Can I have a minute?
Easton nods, running his hand over her bottom.
EASTON
Of course. I have some calls to make.
Easton closes the door as he exits, leaving Katherine to stand clutching the counter.
She stares at the glass of wine, her numb stare giving way to a hard expression. She opens the medicine cabinet and searches the contents, finally grabbing a bottle of pills.
Using a file from her purse she grinds the pills into powder against the countertop. She sweeps the whole mess into the glass of wine and stirs it with her finger. She spits in the wine.
Wetting another washcloth, Katherine cleans the streaked tears from her face and applies fresh lipstick. She exits the room with her glass of wine.
INT. LIVINGROOM/KITCHEN OPEN FLOOR PLAN – CONTINUOUS
Katherine takes a deep breath and glides toward Easton who is standing with his back to her talking on the phone.
EASTON
(into phone)
Hell. That’ll slow up production for a week. Shoot the scenes on the cliff first, and then we’ll double back on the bedroom scenes. Nobody wants to see a damn actress with a runny nose.
Katherine moves to the bar and pours another glass of wine. Easton finishes his call and turns, catching the sweet smile she sends him. He stands watching her quizzically as she brings both glasses toward him.
KATHERINE
You didn’t have to be so rough.
Katherine sets the glasses on the side table and leads Easton to a chair. She pushes him gently down and hikes her skirt, settling onto his lap.
KATHERINE
Let me show you how I like it.
Katherine runs her hands over Easton’s hair, picks up the glass of wine from the bathroom, and tips it to allow Easton a drink.
EASTON
This is a pretty radical change.
Katherine nibbles on his neck, pushing his hands away as he runs them over her breasts.
KATHERINE
No. It’s my turn.
She dips her finger in the wine, runs it around his lips and then gives him another drink.
KATHERINE
I had never…you know…done it. But now that it’s over, I want to… savor the experience.
EASTON
You surprise me.
Katherine unbuttons her blouse slowly, pulling her breasts out and undulating slowly in front of his eyes. She pushes his hands away again.
KATHERINE
No. I told you. It’s my way this time. Take a deep drink of wine and swish it around your mouth.
Easton complies. Katherine cups one full breast in her hand.
KATHERINE
Now close your eyes and drink from me like I’m your last bottle.
Easton closes his eyes and suckles Katherine. She caresses his hair and moans. His eyes pop open, eagerly watching her expression, pulling her into his mouth.
Katherine pushes him back.
KATHERINE
My God. This is so much better. Drink. Suck my other breast.
Easton eagerly gulps the rest of the wine, swishing it around his mouth and swallowing. He latches onto Katherine’s other breast, sucking greedily.
Katherine moans again, rubbing her hands through his hair. She pulls his head back by a handful of hair, kissing him fiercely on the mouth.
KATHERINE
(whispering in his ear)
You have a bathrobe belt? I’ve got a fantasy about a game of bondage. I want to suck you like you sucked me.
Easton heads toward the bedroom returning immediately with a pair of handcuffs. He swings them enticingly in front of Katherine.
EASTON
Tell me your fantasy. You want it here? In the bedroom?
KATHERINE
I plan on trying you every way. Let’s start with a chair.
Easton pulls a heavy dining chair over and motions for Katherine to sit down.
KATHERINE
You first. I get to undress and play with your body and then you get to do anything you want with mine.
Easton nods eagerly and sits down, allowing Katherine to cuff his hands behind the chair.
KATHERINE
You’ve been such a naughty boy.
She runs her hands over his shoulders, sending a smoldering look into his eyes. She slowly unbuttons his shirt, gently tweaking first one and then the other nipple. He shudders.
EASTON
Keep going, baby. This is good.
Katherine pauses, seems to think, her eyes opening wide.
KATHERINE
We need some toys. I’ve got an idea. I’m going to run get us some whip creme. Maybe some type of toys. I can be to the grocery down the street and back in about fifteen minutes.
EASTON
You’re doing fine. Keep going.
KATHERINE
No. I want you to anticipate what’s coming. I want you to want it like you’ll never have it this good again.
Katherine trails her hand lightly over his crotch, watching his wiggle and arch forward.
KATHERINE
Sit back and wait. Think about me.
(teasing)
Maybe even catnap and fantasize about what an evening you have coming.
EASTON
Wait…
KATHERINE
Shhhh. She touches his mouth lightly with her own, lingering, arousing him further.
Katherine steps away, collects her belongings, trails her hands one last time over his body, and steps out the door.
EXT. OFFICE HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Katherine marches down the hallway, her expression turning to anger, wiping her mouth fiercely.
KATHERINE
Fucking asshole. You just got the best and last audition you’ll ever see.
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Brian G. Walsh’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that the interest techniques turn ordinary situations into extraordinary situations.
Logline: After being left “holding the bag” by his partner and arrested by the police, a criminal phones his partner for help while a police detective he made a deal with waits nearby.
TIM RYDER
I was pretty pissed off at first, but I calmed down.
I know you didn’t have a choice.
JERRY WAHL (V.O.)
I can help you, buddy. I’ve got your share, safe and sound.
TIM RYDER
We can’t talk on the phone. Meet me at the ice cream
shop on the waterfront in one hour.
Silence.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
The clock’s ticking on me, pal. We still partners or not?
JERRY WAHL (V.O.)
One hour.
Tim puts down the phone. We see he is not alone. DETECTIVE RALPH BRONSON, 55, waits close by.
TIM RYDER
“That good enough, detective?”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“Just make sure you’re smart about it.”
TIM RYDER
“I know how to get him to talk. Just make sure you got that
recording app switched on.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“If you want to get off the hook, you’d better hope he shows.”
TIM RYDER
“He’s got too much at stake not to come.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“Don’t we all.”
TIM RYDER
“Nice promotion for you, huh?”
Bronson shrugs.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
“Oh, yeah, sure. You’re just doing your job, right?
Please spare me.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“You’re sure he’s got it stashed in his fireplace?”
TIM RYDER
“I saw him do it once when he thought I was passed out drunk.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“No honor among thieves after all.”
TIM RYDER
“Sure there is. Between you and me. Fifty-fifty. You’re one of
us now.”
Bronson stares at him.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
“Don’t look at me like that. You’ve got it made. You bust Horton
for the heist and get a quarter of a million dollars to help ease
into retirement.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“You’d better get down to the waterfront.”
TIM RYDER
“Make sure you arrest me, too. I can’t afford to be known
as a fink.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“I’ll take care of everything.”
Tim walks away.
Detective checks his gun.
DETECTIVE BRONSON (CONT’D)
“Everything and every one. Half a mil is better than a
quarter.”
Tim stops at a bench. He raises his foot to tie his shoe. We see an ankle holster with a gun inside. He pulls his sock up and smooths his pant leg down.
TIM RYDER
“No, Detective Bronson, I’ll take care of everything.
Including you.”
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Logline: After Thatcher realizes Judge Collins is not his father and that his mother has been lying to him his entire life, he offers a truce with his mother, but he is actually getting ready to enact his revenge by allowing Sara to secretly confront Senator Pushkin.
Structural Interest Techniques:.
Suspense: Thatcher, who has just discovered he is not the biological son of the man who raised him, now realizes he is not the half brother to Sara, the woman he now realizes he loves, but she now has no interest in him since he took his mother’s side in their legal battle. Since we know Sara wants Thatcher to arrange a meeting with his mother’s partner, there is suspense in how he can do this and if his mother will find out.
Major Twist: Since the major twist of Thatcher discovering he is not related to Sara, he now wants a new type of relationship with her, but in another major twist, she is no longer interested in him, as a brother or as a friend since he is involved with his mother in wanting the Coast Guard Station to replace the condo Sara received.
Surprise: With Thatcher completely rattled with his “All is Lost” moment, which is that his goal of becoming wealthy through ownership in the Coast Guard Station is now shot, he sees his mother is the villain and seeks revenge.
More interesting setting: Thatcher confronts his mother on his boat instead of the condo.
INT. THATCHER’S BOAT – DAY
In his classic crabbing boat, Thatcher watches his mother walk along the dock toward him.
She smiles hello, steps down into the boat.
TAMMY
Been a long time since I’ve been on your boat. Looks good.
THATCHER
You’ve never liked the boats I make, so don’t pretend you do.
TAMMY
I just said it looks good. I thought this was supposed to be a truce.
THATCHER
Well, I wanted to talk to you out here where we won’t be interrupted. I know how you feel about Sara, but she knows all about the payments from the Caymans and the money coming from the Chinese dude. We need to make a plan.
TAMMY
I’m listening.
THATCHER
I’d like to set up a meeting with Senator Pushkin to discuss offering Sara a piece of the action.
TAMMY
How much?
THATCHER
Five percent.
TAMMY
Have you run this by her?
THATCHER
I guaranteed her it would eventually be worth a hundred grand.
TAMMY
Easily.
THATCHER
Can you get the senator to come by the condo?
TAMMY
When?
THATCHER
I know you two are an item. Tell him I’m out of town and you’ve got the place to yourself. Any evening.
TAMMY
I’ll call and let you know. I’m glad you’re still on the team.
THATCHER
Business team anyway.
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