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Lesson 23
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15 Replies
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LOGLINE: Phillip and Brandy hideout by a waterfall while being chased after a burglary.
ESSENCE: Phillip wants something Brandy has, but she doesn’t want to give it.
SCENE:
EXT. WATERFALL – NIGHT
Brandy and Phillip catch their breath, backs against the cliff wall. Above them, lights and VOICES go past. Phil steps out after the last voice. He looks up then goes to the edge and looks down.
Brandy walks up to him, looks like she’s about to clock him a good one, but instead…
…she fist-pumps the air.
BRANDY
Woo-hoo! Yes!
Phillip covers her mouth putting a finger to his and pointing up. Something, or someone is above them. Phillip leans in and whispers.
PHILLIP
Discreet. Can I let you go or you gonna’ dance ‘round?
Brandy nods and mimes zipping her lips. Phillip eases his hand off while looking for signs of the thing above.
BRANDY
(quiet)
You have a stupid name. Cratchit.
PHILLIP
Please, will you please…no, I am asking, no begging you, please be quiet a moment then you can be the incredibly sweet, fun-loving, care-free looney you want, my dearest of dears.
BRANDY
Phillip Cratchit. Sounds like a disease.
PHILLIP
Where is it?
BRANDY
What? Here? It’ll get wet.
PHILLIP
Please, I’ve waited so long for it.
Brandy reaches into her bag and pulls out a cloth-wrapped book.
BRANDY
It won’t help you, you know. This isn’t what you promised me.
PHILLIP
I got the money, but money isn’t everything.
Phillip reaches for the cloth-wrapped book and Brandy withdraws her arm and then extends it over the waterfall. Phillip reaches for it in a panic then stops himself.
PHILLIP
Please…Brandy, I know it’s just a book, but it’s important to me. It’s kind of my history, if-you-will.
BRANDY
No, Phillip, it’s just a book.
She lets go and the cloth-wrapped book plummets into the churning waters below. Phillip lunges for her and almost loses his footing. Brandy laughs in a playful manner.
BRANDY
We got what we need. Now, let’s go take that vacation you’ve promised me when you used to make those kinds of things. I wanna go back to the way things were.
HENNY
Then you shouldn’t have done it, Brandy.
DETECTIVE HENSHAW (HENNY), forty-eight years with greyish stubble and unkempt hair holds a pistol towards the two.
Phillip jerks towards him but Henny aims for his head.
HENNY
I really wouldn’t, Phil.
PHILLIP
Please, sir, I wasn’t going to do anything. Not to you. Not to any of them. We don’t harm people. I’ve never even taken anything before…but times are hard…and what we took…well…well, that belongs to me.
HENNY
If the law saw it that way, it would be in your possession by another manner. Now what did you do with it.
BRANDY
It slipped.
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Hi Mike,
Really good! I love that final twist at the end… Brandy dropped the book and it winds up in their favor! I’d love to see what you did for Lesson 22. I always learn so much reading your work.
Christi mentioned possibly creating some kind of writers group. Would you be interested?
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Thanks for the kind words. I think forming a writing group will be great if we can make it happen. Lots of challenges in some ways with the different pulls on our time but it’s worth exploring. I’m sorry about lesson 22. I learn from you and Christi as well, I just got halfway through on that one and had other things get in the way so I bypassed it. My apologies. You both did an excellent job in showcasing the points of that lesson and putting it altogether.
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My email is sedona_sue@yahoo.com . I thought there used to be a way to contact other members on here, but I don’t see it anymore.
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Hi Mike, this is great! Love the polite touch.
Sorry about dragging my feet with everything but Christmas has just fried my creative writing time. How about January 11th? It’s a Thursday and 7pm mountain time? Not sure how that would line up with everyone. I don’t have zoom but I was thinking of using the free Google connection. Let me know!
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Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest Cycle 5
Logline: Russian Spy vs Ukraine Spy at the Russian Circus
Essence: Betrayal upon betrayal leading to assassination
Scene: CIRCUS PLAYERS
INT/EXT CONTINUOUS MOSCOW CIRCUS
MAIN RING AFTERNOON
BRENDI ROSTOVANOVA and FILIPP KAZAK are Aerialists performing a trapeze love dance. Near the end FILIPP allows one of her hands to slip through his. She quickly grabs his forearm before he can snap it away and saves herself. A look of fury overtakes her face.
BRENDI purposefully ends the show early and swings down into the net.
The TWO aerialists bow to a roaring crowd. BRENDI bows again with a flourish, and they ballet out of the circle.
CUT TO:
DRESSING ROOM:
BRENDI bangs open the door to their dressing room.
BRENDI
(Angrily whispering)
You fool! You almost dropped me!
The muted SOUNDS of clowns and a calliope can be heard in the background.
FILIPP
(Snuggling up)
It’s a good thing there are nets, no? My darling girl, I don’t know what I would do without you.
FILIPP twirls BRENDI around by her hand and then kisses it.
BRENDI pushes FILIPP away and turns her face from him, we can see her face in the makeup table mirror.
BRENDI
(Agonizing)
I don’t want to look a fool on stage! I work my body so hard, to be precise, and the work beautiful.
FILIPP
(Manipulatively, chuckling)
The audience loved you. You threw dust in their eyes…. Forgive me, please. Do you think that I would drop you just because you support Putin cancelling Christmas for a third of the population?
BRENDI
Don’t hang noodles on my ears, Filipp.
There is a knock on the door, a STAGEHAND brings in a bouquet of several dozen roses for BRENDI.
FILIPP
See… what did I tell you?
BRENDI
I don’t understand why you were so off today. You seem nervous.
Suddenly a trio of Politseyskiy barge into the Dressing Room.
POLITSEYSKIY #1
Brendi Rostovonova we are searching you for contraband.
BRENDI
(Shocked)
What?! What are you talking about?
POLITSEYSKIY #2
(Dismissively)
We received call that you have been smoking and drinking in public place. Circus is public place.
POLITSEYSKIY #3
(Condemning)
You go up in air drunk? If we find contraband you will be arrest.
FILIPP
(Feigning Disbelief)
Who would do such an idiotic thing?
The THREE POLITSEYSKIY upend the entire dressing room throwing large quantities of cigarettes packs and miniature liquor bottles on a tarp in the center of the room. BRENDI manages to catch the vase of roses before it falls on the floor.
FILIPP stares at the pillage.
FILIPP
Where did all that come from?
POLITSEYSKIY #2
Mister Kazak you will come too for questions.
FILIPP is startled. This does not fit in with his plans.
FILIPP
(Hiding guilt)
I have nothing to do with this!
BRENDI rushes over to FILIPP and POLITSEYSKIY #2
BRENDI
(Spicily)
He has nothing to do with it. It is all me. Leave him to clean up… pretty please.
POLITSEYSKIY #2
Since you confess, we will leave him. You, Miss Rostovonova, are arrest.
BRENDI grabs her coat and is hauled out the door.
CUT TO:
POLITSIYA VEHICLE BACK EXIT OF CIRCUS
It is snowing and the streets are covered in at least a foot of snow.
BRENDI is shoved into the back of the police car. As soon as the door is closed she speaks with authority.
BRENDI
I am Agent 7831 of the FSO. I need to speak to my handler immediately.
I have been set up. Give me your phone now.
All three Poliseyskiy are seriously distressed, and defer.
BRENDI takes the phone and calls.
BRENDI
(In hushed tones)
Agent 7831 urgently calling.
ALEXSANDR
Tell me.
BRENDI
I believe Filipp the assassin for Illya Kiva and Darya Dugina… and he is planning something… wait he is sneaking out the back of the Circus.
Filipp is still wearing his costume, his coat thrown over it. He does not hail a taxi or call for a Yandex, but starts walking.
BRENDI
(To Politseyski #2)
Follow him on foot and report back here. We will be behind.
BRENDI lifts the phone back up to her ear.
BRENDI (CONT’D)
(Continuing in hushed tones)
Alexsandr?
ALEXSANDR
(Testily)
Cut it out! That’s enough. I’m jumping out of my pants.
BRENDI
(Determined)
Filipp sneaks out of Circus. He is on foot. We are following him. I believe he is planning something terrible, another assassination.
ALEXSANDR
(With haste)
I am making immediate appointment with you and General Kochnev. I will be there as well. Call me back when you know about Kazak.
BRENDI
(Thrilled)
Yes Sir. Immediately.
BRENDI puts the phone down next to her, she pulls a small listening device out of her coat pocket. The vehicle slows down and stops near the Farsh Restaurant Bar. Filipp goes inside.
CUT TO:
INT RESTAURANT
The inside of the place is dark and crowded. It is Happy Hour. Filipp walks to the back looking for his coconspirator. He sees him and sidles up to him.
FILIPP
(Whispering angrily)
Are you kidding me?! I think I just lost Brendi forever. What is so urgent? I had to set her up with the Politsiya to get away from her.
There is a MAN concealed in shadow in a corner next to Filipp.
SHADOW MAN
(Ominously)
Don’t make an elephant out of a fly! I have your next assignment.
CUT TO:
POLICE CAR
BRENDI is listening to every word.
BRENDI picks up the phone…
BRENDI
(To herself)
I knew it.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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Even though we weren’t required to add this I thought it might be useful if you knew that I changed one of each of the character’s traits.
Brendi Rostovanova: New Traits: Status Seeking, Entertaining, Deceptive, Fireball
Filipp Kazak: New Traits: Manipulative, Sense of Entitlement, Guilt Ridden, Amorous
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Hi Susan,
I was wondering about the traits! Good idea to switch them. You’ve really embraced the project and made it your own. The voices are really unique. Loved the flip that she was the agent.
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Thanks Christi,
Looking forward to when you post yours. I’ll be working on my rewrite tomorrow after listening to Hal’s videos. I read your response to Mike. January 11th at 7 pm MT would be OK with me. It might be a bit early for Mike (only 6pm if he has to get back from work). I don’t like google at all and try to stay off any and all of their apps. It’s easy to get a Zoom account, all you have to do is go to Zoom.com and make a free account. I think free account meetings are limited to an about hour-ish (but maybe I’m wrong they may have raised the time limit by now). Anyway I could set up the meeting and send you and Mike a link for it. I’ve never had to do it before, but it can’t be that difficult.
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Wonderful draft. I like the contrast between the characters and the traits you gave them. Really worked. It’ll be exciting to see the alteration in the next lesson. I have to work Jan. 11. I have Sun., Tue., and Wed. nights off, usually. But, by all means, do what suits you best. We can always e-mail. I really appreciate the contribution you have both brought to the class. Thanks for participating with me.
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Thanks for your feedback Mike. I appreciate it.
I could do Wednesday the 10th or Sunday the 14th.
I feel like both of you have more outside commitments than
I do, so how much time you can each spare is important.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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LOGLINE: Phillip tries to convince a cop that Brandy did not steal a diamond necklace at a jewelry store.
ESSENCE: Phillip is the one who really wanted to steal the diamond necklace.
Scenes:
EXT. JEWELRY STORE – DAY
BRANDY, an attractive early 20s woman in a halter top and jeans, stands next to a male POLICE OFFICER who puts handcuffs on her.
BRANDY
Am I going to jail?
POLICE OFFICER
Should you be?
Brandy rolls her eyes. PHILLIP, late 40s, and in a business suit, approaches the Police Officer.
PHILLIP
Hold on, officer, I think there’s a mistake.
POLICE OFFICER
Who the heck are you?
PHILLIP
A witness. She’s innocent.
POLICE OFFICER
The store manager says she’s not. She saw her stuff a diamond necklace in her pocket.
BRANDY
You checked my pockets, idiot. There was nothing in there.
PHILLIP
Here’s what happened. She was looking at earrings.
BRANDY
Sapphire earrings. I only wear sapphires. Goes with my eyes.
PHILLIP
I then approached her and asked if she had a cigarette handy and –
POLICE OFFICER
Now why would you ask a young lady at a jewelry store for a cigarette?
PHILLIP
She was fidgeting. I figured she smokes. And I was fidgeting too.
POLICE OFFICER
Then why didn’t you have your own cigarette?
PHILLIP
I left my cigarettes in the car. Look, it’s my fault. I was the one looking at the diamond necklace. I asked if she thought it was pretty since she’s around my daughter’s age. That’s when she took the necklace to get a better look. I then asked for a cigarette, and she checked her pocket. That’s when that old lady called the cops. It was a simple mistake, sir. Did I mention I donate to the police department every year?
The STORE MANAGER, an early 60s woman, approaches the Police Officer.
STORE MANAGER
Arrest her! Someone texted me a video of her putting the necklace in her pocket!
The Store Manager shows the Police Office the video on her cell phone.
POLICE OFFICER
Alright, let’s go.
BRANDY
Wait! That’s not me!
The Police Officer grabs Brandy’s arm and takes her to the Police Car. Phillip looks on with remorse.
INT. JEWELRY STORE – LATER
Phillip walks into the luxurious jewelry store. The Store Manager shines the glass cases.
STORE MANAGER
Thanks again for recording that girl and texting me the video. She belongs behind bars. I bet her parents must be very upset.
PHILLIP
(under his breath)
Actually… I’m very proud of my daughter.
STORE MANAGER
Pardon?
PHILLIP
Oh, nothing, ma’am. Have a nice day.
Phillip discreetly stuffs the diamond necklace in his pocket, smiles at the Store Manager and leaves.
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Fun Danielle!
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Hey Danielle, love this! Very witness for the prosecution! Now that you’ve come this far, feel free to message at christifalk1@gmail.com to connect with us! We only trade scripts on Proton but we use our Gmail to talk.
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Hi Christi, thank you for the feedback. And thank you for the email address, will hold on to it. My schedule is a little tight but will try to connect soon.
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