Lesson 23

[carl marshall]

Carl Marshall QE 4
LOGLINE: One person promises the other that they kept the secret, but really didn’t
ESSENCE: REALIZATION OF BEING HUNTED
TRAIT CHANGED for: RENEE: From outgoing to fault finder

SCENE: MAXINE REVELATION

INT. LUXURY HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT

A spacious, dimly lit suite. Candles flicker. Rain patters softly against the window. MAXINE, dressed immaculately in an expensive robe, pours wine into two crystal glasses. RENEE stands near the fireplace, arms crossed, eyes alert.

MAXINE
(handing a glass to Renee)
To secrecy. And survival.

RENEE
To secrets kept and kept well.

They clink glasses. An uneasy silence hangs between them.

MAXINE
You told no one, right?

RENEE
(smiles tightly)
Of course not. I’m not stupid.

MAXINE
Good. Because if this gets out—

RENEE
It won’t.

A tense beat.

MAXINE
(eyeing Renee)
You hesitated.

RENEE
No, I didn’t.

MAXINE
You did. A flicker.

RENEE
You’re paranoid. No one knows.

MAXINE
Then why did my driver ask me about a “charred ledger”?

Renee freezes. Tries to recover.

RENEE
Coincidence. That could mean anything.

MAXINE
He said, “the one you and Renee buried.”

RENEE
(shaken)
He’s bluffing.

MAXINE
(pressing closer)
Did you tell him? Or did someone overhear you telling someone else?

RENEE
(defensive)
I told you I didn’t say anything!

MAXINE
(cold)
I didn’t say you *said*. I asked if you told.

Maxine steps closer. Predatory now.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
Did you need to feel powerful again, Renee? Or just relevant?

RENEE
(snaps)
I kept it! I did!

MAXINE
Then why did the hotel manager just send me *this*?

She hands Renee a small envelope. Renee opens it—inside is a photo: a blurry image of two women burying something at night.

Renee’s face drains of color.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
You buried the secret… but someone *dug it up*.

RENEE
(barely a whisper)
We’re being watched.

MAXINE
No, Renee. We’re being hunted.

Renee’s horrified reaction…

FADE OUT.

[Rita Roberts]

Rita's QE Cycle #5 – Draft 1
What I learned:
-I tried just writing without using the ITs as an outline to see how much of the lessons have integrated.
-Some dialog changes after making sure traits showed up.
-Note to self: Bad Dads appear as a running theme in pretty much everything I write. Maybe try to imagine a good dad at some point!

LOGLINE: Cody's teacher, Brandy, protects Phillip because he manipulates her, even though Cody comes to school with bruises. Phillip thinks she's onto him so he sets her up as the abuser.

ESSENCE: Phillip inverts everything to keep Brandy and everyone off balance.

SCENE:
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY
First graders file out with their parents. A noisy commotion as kids anticipate their release for the day to play outside.

One boy, CODY, (5) lingers by his supply cubby. Quiet, folded in on himself, he moves without enthusiasm.

The teacher, BRANDY (40s) a lanky matron, speaks quietly to an older woman, the PRINCIPAL after the room has emptied.

BRANDY
The dad is super polite, doesn't seem like the type at all. I think I'm closer to finding out about the mom. I'll let you know when I get the low-down.

Principal nods. Folds her arms, satisfied.

But Brandy can't leave it at that.

BRANDY
You know me, I'll charm the truth out of him.

She raises her eyebrows, pulls her blouse down to expose her bra strap and rolls her shoulder a couple of times. Winks.

Principal just looks at her.

PRINCIPAL
Keep it professional, please.

She walks out.

BRANDY
Of course. Just kidding!

Brandy re-adjusts her blouse and takes a pack of crayons over to Cody. She pulls up a nearby chair to sit with him.

BRANDY
Would you like to color while we wait for your dad?

Cody sits without looking at her. A big, dark bruise shows on his forearm. New stitches zipper above one eyebrow.

CODY
What do you want me to draw?

BRANDY
How about your favorite thing to do with your dad?

Cody finally looks up at her, a mixture of confusion and fear.

BRANDY
Or you mom? Did you get those stitches when you were with her?

Cody's tension releases at the mention of Mom but it goes unnoticed because PHILLIP, his dad, arrives. Suit pants and a loosened tie, respectable office man.

Brandy smiles and stands to greet him.

PHILLIP
Sorry I'm late. Meeting ran late.

BRANDY
Let's talk for a minute.

She pulls him to the far end of the room away from Cody.

PHILLIP
Sure. How's the boy? Is there a problem?

BRANDY
I'm concerned about his injuries.

Phillip rubs his worried forehead, a fine display of empathy.

PHILLIP
I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. He doesn't say much, as I'm sure you've noticed.

Brandy brightens.

BRANDY
No, we're developing a rapport! He gets chatty when he's focused on a creative project. He's a sweet boy.

Phillip's brow furrows. He eyes his son who colors feverishly.

PHILLIP
I see. What's he working on?

BRANDY
I asked him to draw what happened when he got those stitches.

Phillip twitches slightly and frowns. His nostrils flare.

Brandy touches his arm.

BRANDY
I don't mean to be nosy. I'm just concerned. Is it when he's with his mom? She never picks him up so I can't tell how she–

Phillip pulls his phone out. Now distracted.

PHILLIP
Sorry, I need to respond to this.

He dials as he exits the room.

Brandy returns to Cody.

The boy's radar is trained on Phillip. He watches his dad outside the window the window where he paces, puts his phone in his pocket and peers down the street.

CODY
My dad's coming back.

Indeed, Phillip makes a beeline for the building.

And a police car pulls up at the curb.

Phillip rushes into the classroom as the officers — one burly male and a smaller female cop — slam the cruiser doors and head for the entrance.

PHILLIP
Get your things, Cody.

The boy already stuffs supplies into his little backpack, anticipating his dad's instructions.

Police step into the room and block the door.

BRANDY
Oh! What's… what's happening?

MALE COP
We'd like you to come down to the station with us. Just a few questions.

BRANDY
No, officer. Phillip — Mr. Andrews is usually here on time. Who called you anyway?

Cody makes himself smaller. Steps behind his dad.

PHILLIP
Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding. Cody, come here. Let the officers see that big bruise on your arm.

The woman kneels down to Cody's level to coax him out of hiding. She smiles, friendly although loaded with weapons and a bullet proof vest.

FEMALE COP
Wow, look at those gnarly stitches too. You must like to play on the monkey bars.

BRANDY
Well, actually he kind of keeps to himself at recess. We like to do a lot of drawing, don't we Cody?

Cody tucks himself away further, visibly scared.

Female Cop gives her partner a knowing look.

PHILLIP
It's okay, Cody. You can show them.

BRANDY
I can give you all some space. Just shut the door when you're finished.

Male Cop blocks her.

MALE COP
We can give you a ride. Just a few questions.

BRANDY
Wait, me? You want to question me? I don't know Cody's mom. Like I said, his dad picks him up. There might be troubles but I'm just the teacher, I don't know any details.

Cody's eyes go wide. He looks at his dad. He moves closer to Brandy but his dad stops him.

PHILLIP
It's okay, son.

Female Cop takes Brandy's arm.

FEMALE COP
It's better if you cooperate, Ma'am. Bruises and stitches. Not good.

She tilts her head toward Cody.

Brandy pulls her arm away but the cop tightens her grip. They both guide her toward the door.

BRANDY
Phillip, tell them!

PHILLIP
Some kind of story about the swing hitting him. Do you know what it's like for a six year old getting a needle threaded through his head?

Phillip's eyes tear up.

FEMALE COP
But he spends recess in here drawing with you?

BRANDY
She's nice!

Phillip leans into the male cop.

PHILLIP
She's entertaining, if you know what I mean. Probably brainwashed, grooming him. Can't even think about it.

Male cop, nods. He does know.

Brandy's protests echo through the cinderblock hallway as they escort her out.

Cody stands, frozen. Phillip shoves him.

PHILLIP
Get your shit kid.

He turns Cody's drawing around to look at it.

DRAWING: A stick man throws a mug toward a little stick boy who stands in a puddle of spurting tears.

Phillip crumples the paper and shoves the drawing into his pocket.

CODY
She told me to–

PHILLIP
Nice try, crybaby. What did I tell you about tattlers?

He drags Cody toward the door, knocks over child-sized chairs now that no more eyes are on him.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy QE process
LOGLINE: A neighbor is shot dead in front of a little girl and her dog. The police believe the father committed the crime.
ESSENCE: I never laid a paw on him.
SCENE: Max Traits

EXT. GEORGE MASCOW’S FRONT YARD – DAY.
BAM!
The crack of a gunshot.
George Mascow is on his back with a bullet hole through his stomach. He looks shocked, as a shadow looms over him and –
BAM! A bullet drills through his head.
LATER…
Police cover the body with a tarp as police tape surrounds the perimeter of the yard.
A cop places a high end Glock in a plastic evidence bag.
In the next yard over, a police Sergeant interviews PHILLIP the next door neighbor.
PHILLIP
Aw man, he was a good neighbor too.
POLICE SERGEANT
You were inside when the shooting occurred, but your daughter was outside?
PHILLIP
That’s right.
Phillip turns and finds his seven year old daughter spinning around in her dress on the lawn. Even though there’s a dead body in the next yard over.
PHILLIP
Brandy can you come over here talk to the nice policeman?
Brandy walks over and stands next to her dad’s leg.
BRANDY
Are we still going to Walmart tonight?
PHILLIP
I don’t know baby, this might take awhile?
BRANDY
But I need my markers for class?
POLICE SERGEANT
Hey, Brandy can you tell me what you were doing out here?
BRANDY
Buck and myself were going for a walk.
POLICE SERGEANT
Buck? Who’s Buck?
Brandy turns and points to a German Shepard panting in the yard.
POLICE SERGEANT
Okay, what did Buck and you witness?
Brandy steps out from her father’s legs and takes center stage.
BRANDY
Well, I was taking Buck out for his walk. He peed on that tree, right there.
She points to the tree.
BRANDY
If you don’t believe me, you can test the tree.
POLICE SERGEANT
I don’t think that’ll be necessary.
BRANDY
I stopped by Mr. Mascow’s yard to show him my new beach ball.
POLICE SERGEANT
How did he react to your beach ball?
BRANDY
He liked it. Wishes he had one.
POLICE SERGEANT
We found it deflated under the lawn mower?
Brandy gets a sad face.
BRANDY
Yeah, it got bumped out of my hands and fell in line with the mower.
POLICE SERGEANT
Who bumped you?
BRANDY
The guy who shot Mr. Mascow.
A police officer brings the Glock handgun to the Sergeant.
POLICE SERGEANT
Do you recognize this firearm?
PHILLIP
Yes, that’s my custom Glock 19 with a 1.5 pound trigger pull?
POLICE SERGEANT
This looks the gun used to kill Mr. Mascow?
PHILLIP
I don’t know how it got here. I keep it locked up in a safe. You know, because of little Miss Curiosity here.
POLICE SERGEANT
Brandy, did the person who shot Mr. Moscow use this weapon?
She nods her head, holds her finger like a gun, turns it sideways like a gangster and POW – POW.
PHILLIP
He held his gun like that? Sounds like a black man to me? That’s what I would be canvassing the neighborhood for?
POLICE SERGEANT
Brandy was it a black man that shot your neighbor?
BRANDY
No, it was my DAD!
She giggles and runs off.
PHILLIP
What? No, it was not me! Kids, so unreliable.
He glances at her wrestling with Buck.
PHILLIP
Why would you say that?
BRANDY
Somebody’s not going to Walmart!
POLICE SERGEANT
She’s right, I’m going to have to take you downtown for processing.
PHILLIP
Wait, what? I’m a taxpayer, you just can’t arrest me?
The Sergeant turns him around and places the bracelets on.
PHILLIP
Come on man. Hey, what if I tell you who in the neighborhood deals in fentanyl?
POLICE SERGEANT
We can talk about that too.
Phillip is loaded into the police car while Brandy pets the head of Buck.
EXT. GEORGE MASCOW’S FRONT YARD – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Brandy walks Buck past George Mascow’s front yard. Buck does indeed pee on the tree, no forensics necessary.
She stops and tosses her beach ball one handed.
It accidentally bounces out and across the path of Mr. Mascow mowing.
He looks at the little girl, then to the ball.
GEORGE
This is for your dog shitting in my yard all the time!
He lifts the front end of the mower and engulfs the ball. It pops!
Buck witnesses this act and growls.
He runs.
Down the sidewalk, across the yard, through the doggy door.
INSIDE HOUSE/BEDROOM
Up the stairs and into the bedroom.
Buck stops at the safe. Takes his paw and presses the buttons.
Beep-Beep-Boop.
Wrong code. Buck tilts his head.
Beep-Beep-Beep.
The door flips open. Buck reaches his muzzle inside and pulls the Glock out by his mouth.
As he is about to go down the stairs, he presses the muzzle of the gun against the rungs and chambers a round.
GEORGE MASCOW'S FRONT YARD
Brandy is crying just as Buck steps up next to her with a pistol in his mouth.
He GROWLS and his muzzle wrinkles back.
The gun fires.
George goes down. Buck steps up for the killing blow and puts one through his head.
He tosses the gun on George’s chest like a used chewed up tennis ball.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Mary Albanese]

LOGLINE: Phillip's new wife gives him a nasty 2-month anniversary surprise.
ESSENSE: A man learns it is not a good idea to push a charming but ambitious woman too hard.
I learned I am getting better at stuffing Interest Techniques with character traits at the same time in the first draft.

INT. FOREIGN JAIL CELL – DAY

PHILLIP, outside the jail cell, talks to BRANDY, who stands inside a squalid N. Korean jail cell, blood and urine stains on the wall.

BRANDY
I don’t understand. Why am I in here?

PHILLIP
They think you stole something from a department store. Stealing here, in North Korea, is a serious crime.

BRANDY
I didn’t steal anything! I did go into a high end store. You know I do like my name brands. But I didn’t take anything. They searched my purse. Tell them to search my hotel room. They won’t find anything I’ve supposedly stolen. Oh, why did you have to insist I accompany you on this horrible trip?

PHILLIP
I’m so sorry, my dear. It was a mistake. At the time, I thought it important to bring you to make a good impression. I needed this diplomatic mission to go well, and you light up a room with your presence. As my brand new wife, it was only fair that you accompany me. After all, I did pay for the wedding. I don’t understand how this could have happened. Everything was going so well. You charmed everyone at the diplomatic dinner.

BRANDY
Stop talking and do something. I need you to get me out of here.

PHILLIP
I’ve tried. I talked to all the generals. They say Kim Jong Un did laugh at your jokes at dinner. He might be generous, even if you were found guilty.

BRANDY
Guilty of what? What do they think I took?

PHILLIP
A tube of lipstick.

BRANDY
Me? Steal lipstick? Why would I do that? They don’t even have the good French stuff! Why did they even suspect me?

PHILLIP
They say their cameras showed you were acting suspiceous near the tube of lipstick. I wish you hadn’t embarassed me like this. I’ve been trying so hard to make a good impression on the president for my blunder in China. Trust me, I am doing everything in my power to get you out of here. It wouldn’t do to have a blemish like this on my record.

BRANDY
So there’s hope?

PHILLIP
Maybe. But this isn’t America. This is North Korea.

BRANDY
Yes. But a tube of lipstick? What would I get? A fine?

PHILLIP
Brandy, stealing here is punishable by… well, whatever Kim Jong Un decides.

BRANDY
You mean, how big a fine?

PHILLIP
More like, how long the sentence could be.

BRANDY
Could it be short?

PHILLIP
Extremely short, if they don’t have the evidence to convict you. If they do, it could be even shorter.

BRANDY
You mean, they’d let me go?

PHILLIP
If they don’t have the evidence to convict you. If they do find it, the jail time could still be short. If the punishment was a speedy… uh, terminatiom.

BRANDY
What? You have to get me out of this!

PHILLIP
I’m trying. I really am. I can’t have something like this on my record. I shouldn’t have brought you. I didn’t realize your charming flamboyance could be so dangerous.

General PARK approaches with two burly armed GUARDS.

PARK
Miss Brandy, we searched your room and found no trace of anything taken from the store. You are free to go.

BRANDY
Thank you! You are all so very kind.

The two Guards open the door. Brandy slips out, and flashes the Guards and General Park a grateful smile. Despite their tough-guy jobs, they smile back.

PARK
And now, Guards, arrest this man!

PHILLIP
Me? What? You can’t do this to me.

The two GUARDS roughly FLING Phillip into the jail. They SLAM the door shut.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
What’s the charge?

PARK
Espionage. When we searched Miss Brandy’s room, we found no lipstick from our store. Our spotters must have been completely mistaken, when they thought the cameras had caught what they felt was oddly suspiceous actions on her part. But our search in her hotel room did reveal your laptop with email messages from you, Mr. Phillip, bragging about how you were going to steal our country’s nuclear secrets.

PHILLIP
What? I am a diplomat! I never wrote any emails like that! Brandy, tell them!

BRANDY
Tell them what? How would I know what kind of business you conduct on your laptop? You never actually gave me the password to your computer, did you?

PHILLIP
Of course not!

BRANDY
You heard that, right, General Park? And Phillip, we only knew each other a few months before you married me and made me accompany you here. I never understood why.

PARK
Ah! You forced her to come here as a sham. To hide your true intent!

PHILLIP
No,, no! You can’t do this to me! The penalty for something like that… What will happen to me?

BRANDY
I know this is very unsettling, my dear darling husband. But don’t you worry.

She smiles sweetly.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
Trust me. Your belongings… and your money… will be quite safe with me.

OFF his terrified face.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so the line spacing works
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese.