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Lesson 24
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Logline: While trying to sell her magical potions to the owner of a general store, the squaw is betrayed by the deal he has made with the local sheriff.
Essence: Philip is blackmailed due to his shame of being a “half breed”.
EXT./INT. REAR OF GENERAL STORE (CIRCA 1840) – DAY
BRANDY, (mid 40’s), drab gingham belted shirt over buckskin leggings, long braided hair, totes a large leather sack through the back door into the storeroom where JESSIE, (20’s) is unpacking a crate of can goods.
BRANDY
Is Philip here?
JESSIE
I’ll let him know.
Jessie leaves the storeroom.
INT. GENERAL STORE – DAY
PHILIP PARKER, (late 20’s), shop keeper, white shirt with banded sleeves, finishes loading up a crate of goods for a WOMAN CUSTOMER.
PHILIP
Have a nice day, ma’am.
JESSIE
She’s here.
PHILIP
Okay, you know what to do.
INT. STOREROOM – DAY
Philip walks in.
PHILIP
Hello.
Brandy nods.
PHILIP
I didn’t expect to see you until after the thaw.
BRANDY
Spring is early. I couldn’t wait.
PHILIP
You need money. Blankets don’t sell after the thaw.
BRANDY
No blankets. Pretty things. I bring them to you first. Want to see?
PHILIP
By all means. If you please…
She carefully unloads and unwraps small intricately hand-painted clay vessels. She moves each in the air in a mystical little dance to show off the beauty of her wares.
BRANDY
You like what you see?
PHILIP
No one wants Indian trinkets no matter how pretty. Money is too tight.
BRANDY
Yes, but these are more than trinkets. They hold special powers! The power to see all things, to heal the sick, the lame.
PHILIP
I’m not interested in your mumbo jumbo.
She holds a narrow-necked jar high so he can peer inside. A smile crosses his lips.
PHILIP
Perhaps, we can do business after all.
BRANDY
Yes! You want the magic these hold. You like? You buy!
PHILIP
My buyer said he’d take all I can come up with, but it’s dangerous. I don’t want any trouble.
BRANDY
No trouble from me!
PHILIP
You owe me, after those furs you brought last fall. You should have told me they were trapped on private property!
BRANDY
Animals roam where they please! The Great Mother knows no bounds.
A BELL RINGS.
PHILIP
Okay. I have a customer. Please, wait. We’ll settle on a price.
As soon as he leaves, Brandy looks through the goods in the storeroom. She smells a packet of sachet then pockets it.
Philip re-enters, followed by SHERIFF TATE, (50’s), who has his six shooter drawn.
Brandy blanches, darts to the back door. Sheriff fires above her head.
SHERIFF
Hold it there, squaw!
Brandy stops dead.
SHERIFF
What do we have here?
Sheriff points to the vessels on the table. Lifts one.
Brandy and Philip exchange looks of fear —
BRANDY
You like? You take, no charge.
SHERIFF
Filthy squaw! You think you can bribe an officer of the law?
BRANDY
No, sir. Pardon, sir. I meant no disrespect. Take! A pretty gift for your wife? Yes?
SHERIFF
(to Philip)
I warned you about selling the filth from the likes of her. Final warning. I’ll shut you down for good if I catch you again.
(to Brandy)
Now git outta here!
Brandy hurriedly gathers up her things into the sack. Runs through the door.
SHERIFF
(to Philip)
My deputy is waiting down the road to snatch her up.
PHILIP
Remember. You promised if I let you know when she was here, you wouldn’t let on that it was me.
SHERIFF
She won’t know it was you, her half breed son, that squealed. I’ll hold my peace if that’s what you’re worried about.
PHILIP
What’s in those jars is worth a small fortune. You won’t forget my share for putting you in the middle of this.
SHERIFF
I won’t forget.
PHILIP
And she won’t be harmed —
A LOUD scream. SHOTS fired.
Sheriff and Philip run through the door.
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Mary Stoner’s squaw lady story. Intriguing. Like to know what happened outside. Cliffhanger.
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Bill Southwell Writes QW Cycle #5 Scene Rewrite
What I learned is that one can combine Characteristic relationships, Reveals, and Max Interest techniques to improve the story. The scene is improved so characters are true to their traits.
LOGLINE: Brandy and Phillip are a young dating couple but Brandy is slipping into addiction. Phillip wants to help her.
ESSENCE: Tough love is sometimes the most tender and lasting
SCENE:
Dating couple Brandy and Phillip are leaving a party. Brandy is woozy from something taken at the party. Phillip is driving.
Brandy
Let me drive. I feel realllly fine.
Phillip
No, it’s my duty to drive when you are like this. Why don’t you get off that stuff?
Brandy
‘Cause it makes me feel loose. Don’t you want to feel loose?
Phillip
I am sorry I took you this that party. But you had fun when you were singing. You have such talent and potential. But you are throwing it all away.
Brandy
Oh—you don’t love me anymore.
Phillip
I do love you. But I cannot see you ever getting the acclaim you seem to need.
A car behind them turns on flashing red and blue lights.
Phillip (cont)
I better pull over. I don’t know what to do. This car smells like a meth lab.
Brandy
It’s ok. I will tell them you have not been drinking.
The patrol car behind then turns on its sirens. Phillip pulls over and rolls down his window. The officer walks over to the driver’s side.
Phillip
What seems to be the problem officer?
Officer
May I see your Driver’s license and Registration?
Phillip hands them to him.
Officer (cont)
I pulled you over because you have a red tail light out. But I sense a strong drug smell. I am going to ask you to step out of the car.
Brandy
No. He hasn’t been drinking or doing nothin’, officer.
Brandy argues with the officer and he easily perceives that she is high.
Officer
Both of you. Step out of the car. (they comply) Place you hands on the top of the car.
Officer (to Phillip)
Show me how well you can walk in a straight line.
Phillip does so. The officer is pleased.
Officer (to Brandy)
Are you intoxicated?
Brandy
No.
She cannot even stand straight
Officer
Is that your purse on the seat?
Brandy
You can’t look at that. There is nothing in it.
The officer takes the purse and finds drugs.
Officer
I am arresting you for possession of illegal drugs. And I am taking you to the station.
Officer
(to Phillip) You may go or you may follow me there. It’s up to you.
Logline: Night. At the police station Brandy is being booked on possession. Brandy starts to cry.
Brandy
(to Phillip) I feel terrible. I know I got myself into this. But I can’t post bail or even pay to defend myself. What can I do? I will have to spend time in jail.
Phillip
Make the most of it. First get sober. Then plead with them that you will get into rehab. I will support you all the way. I care about you.
Brandy
You are so good to me. I will do it! You will see!
A lady officer takes her away to a cell.
After Brandy is away, Phillip goes up to the arresting officer and says,
Phillip
Officer, in my pocket here is the taillight bulb. I will put it back now.
Phillip walks to the door.
Phillip (cont)
And thank you. You have played an important role in her recovery.
Phillip walks out.
END of SCENE
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Audrey Gomes
LESSON 24 QE CYCLE #5
LONGLINE: Wife of an ex-CIA agent disappears. She’s cornered by a secret past.
EXT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S BROWNSTONE – LATE NIGHT
BRANDY, beautiful Black woman, surveys the house. She can see PHILLIP, tall, lean, gorgeous, pacing, on the phone. Brandy, wearing gloves, opens a Black BMW Sedan car door.
ANGLE ON Brandy placing a blood-stained scarf under the passenger seat. Stealthily shuts the door.
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S LIVING ROOM – NEXT MORNING
Swarming with POLICE, DECTECTIVES, INVESTIGATORS. Phillip, gruffy, six-o’clock shadow, distraught, in the same clothes as the night before, clearly has not slept. He’s fielding a phone call, when Brandy enters.
Brandy moves to Phillip. They speak in hush tones…
BRANDY
I’m here if you need me.
PHILLIP
I don’t! But thank you Brandy.
BRANDY
I remember a time you wanted this!…
PHILLIP
That my wife disappears?
BRANDY
I didn’t mean it that way.
PHILLIP
We work together… That’s it!
His dismissive tone is biting…
PHILLIP
(announcing)
I realize you all can’t indulge, but I need a drink.
He moves away from Brandy. Pouring himself a drink…
DECTECTIVE HAL enters… He registers Phillip’s mood… Takes him aside.
HAL
Phillip, I can’t find much on Mira’s past. She’s like a ghost. What’d you know about her?
PHILLIP
Hal! Mira is my wife!
(snaps)
I know all I need to know!
(beat)
Sorry…
HAL
Buddy, just tryin’ to help.
BEAT as Phillip collects himself… Brandy approaches…
PHILLIP
Mira had a flat… I drove her to work. Dropped her off and I went to the office. When I got home last night, our dog was shot dead. Mira never came home…
BRANDY
And she never went to work.
PHILLIP
What!?
HAL
(beat)
Phil, these are hard question, but I have to ask.
PHILLIP
Yes, of course!
HAL
You’re ex-CIA. Are you a rogue agent?
PHILLIP
No, no, No! I’m entitled to protection as an agent. I wouldn’t go rogue and put Mira at risk.
HAL
You notice any unusual behavior?
PHILLIP
No!–
BRANDY
— Yes! According to her assistant.
They both turn to her. Brandy, referring to her note pad…
BRANDY
Mira has been getting flowers every week. Expensive bouquets. And she always tears up the card that comes with them…
HAL
Phil, did you send them?
PHILLIP
Regretfully, no!
HAL
(sighs)
Could Mira be having an affair?
PHILLIP
There’s a possible abduction of an ex-agent’s wife. Clearly that’s an ominous possibility…
BRANDY
With a dead dog!
They both look at her…
PHILLIP
I think you focus on my past! There’s gotta be at least a dozen people harboring resentment.
He walks away, nursing his drink.
HAL
(to Brandy)
What’d you think?
BRANDY
The last we know of Mira’s whereabout she was in Phillip’s car.
EXT. PHILLIP/MIRA’S BROWNSTONE – MOMENTS LATER
Hal opening the door to Phillip’s Black BMW, Sedan.
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S BEDROOM – SAME
Brandy enters. Takes in the room… She spots the photograph of MIRA, an exotic beauty. She steps into Mira’s meticulously organized closet. She goes directly to Mira’s Lingerie, pulls one out. It’s exquisite! Naughty! Brandy seems to shrinks.
EXT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S HOUSE – A LITTLE LATER
Hal, standing by Phillip’s car, he’s found something. Talking into his Tactical Ear Gadget…
HAL
I need backup!
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S LIVING ROOM – LITTLE LATER
Hal enters. He hands Phillip, a plastic Evidence Bag. It’s got Mira’s Bloody Scarf. Phillip, stunned…
PHILLIP
C’mon, Hal! You know me! That’s not my style.
HAL
(reluctantly)
I have to take you in. I can’t stand down!
LONG PAUSE as colleagues navigate the schism.
EXT. ABANDONED WEARHOUSE – LATER THE NIGHT
It’s pitch-black. Car rolls up. Headlights out. Stops. Brandy exits the car.
INT. ABANDONED WEARHOUSE – SAME
Fortress-like Door SLAMS Shut.
Brandy struts through the warehouse on a mission. When she opens to…
INT. HOLDING CELL – SAME
Brandy enters. MIRA, seated. Blood-stained, bandage on her hand, being guarded by a HENCHMAN. Mira takes one look at Brandy…
MIRA
I knew it! The flowers every week… you wanted to raise doubt and suspicion. Like I’m having some cheap fling.
(beat)
How’s Phillip?
BRANDY
Worried!… He’s been detained for questioning.
MIRA
What’d you want?
Brandy in Mira’s face…
BRANDY
Finish the deal!
(beat)
You sold weapons to the Salvadorian government. The ammunition never got there! Leaving the weapons dead-on arrival.
MIRA
I set up the deals. I had nothing to do with the delivery.
BRANDY
Salvadorians don’t agree! Now, my job is to see that you do your job!
Brandy starts pacing…
MIRA
You can do this without me. I’ve told you I’m done with back-channels and arms dealers. I have a new life…
BRANDY
With a man who doesn’t really know who you are.
(beat)
I’ve done you a favor. I believe Phillip will be arrested for your disappearance. They’ll find blood in places where it shouldn’t be… The car, your closet, your bed… You know… that sort of thing…
(beat)
Locked up will keep him safe… If the deal goes south, they’ll can’t retaliate with the person closest to you.
MIRA
(Suddenly realizing)
You’re still in love with Phillip.
BRANDY
Finish the deal!
MIRA
Then, what?
BRANDY
You know… Money in the offshore account… New identity. You’ll start over.
Brandy motions to her Henchman…
BRANDY
Move her!
Henchman grabs Mira out of the chair. Shoving her out of the room… Brandy, walking away…
MIRA
(Calling after her)
This is about Phillip. Isn’t it?
You’ll fall under the weight of your own deception. You will never have my life. You’re so needy! So desperate for love!
That hit a nerve. Brandy picks up her pace…
MIRA
(Yells)
I think you’d kill for it!…
BRANDY
(Yells back)
I think you’re right!
SOUND: Fortress-like Door SLAMS Shut
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