Lesson 24

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Lynn’s QE Cycle #5 REVISED

Hal’s critique of Magafas’s scene is really helpful, especially the last part about (1) looking at each line of dialogue to see if it delivers on at least one character trait, and then (2) looking for areas to enhance character traits that are missing or weak.

Because of my schedule (I’m rushing because next week will be a bear) I didn’t rework this scene as much as I could have…. Jeremy’s suggestion of giving Brandy a stronger motive was great. I fumbled around with that before, but he really got me to come up with something better.

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LOGLINE: Brandy is in trouble with the police over illegal dogs and Phil is there to get her off the hook, until he’s the one arrested.

ESSENCE: Brandy gets back at Phil for giving the best acting roles for another actress. Revenge is sweet and ugly, but it doesn’t pay off in the long run!

SCENE ARC: From Brandy looking innocent, a damsel in distress, to her looking evil.

BRANDY: Traits: Status seeking, Entertaining, Needy, Deceptive

— Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose.

PHILLIP — Traits: Manipulative, Sense of entitlement, Guilt ridden, Polite

— Subtext: Phillip is polite…as he manipulates those around him.

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EXT. RESIDENTAL STREET – DAY

Small, but immaculate two-bedroom houses with expansive back yards line the street. Trees, shrubs, flowers. Farm fields behind. Idyllic. [CURRENT SCENE SITUATION]

An older sedan sits in the driveway of A PINK HOUSE, an ANIMAL CONTROL VAN parked at the curb.

BRANDY (32), glitzy clothes and makeup, stacked and oozing sex, stands near the curb on her cell.

BRANDY (ON CELL): Phil, you’ve got to get over here. Someone called Animal Control on me. I don’t know what’s up. [mystery, creating a future; CHARACTER CURRENT SITUATION/COVER-UP: sweet damsel in distress]

The ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER (40s) comes from the back yard with a FEMALE PITBULL on a catch pole, GROWLING. [something unseen]

Brandy offs her cell and speaks to the AC Officer, feigning a haughty accent.

BRANDY: I was away for a month. I don’t know how that dog got in my yard. He seems vicious. (orchestrated shiver) [PLOT/SITUATION Demand/Current Situation – how did the dog get there; mystery]

AC OFFICER: It’s a female and there’re puppies back there. You should know it’s illegal to have or breed pitbulls in Hidalgo. And the dog and puppies look half starved. This is serious. I’ll have to call the police. [hook, suspense, creating a future, anticipatory dialogue, fear]

BRANDY: (hand-to-ample chest) Oh my God, the police?! And you mean it’s a pitbull?! [fear, entertaining]

The dog strains against the pole, tries to bite the Officer, but as it passes Brandy is gives PITIFUL WHINE and looks to her for help. [setup, intrigue] He loads the dog into the van, then pulls his cell, speaks out of earshot.

PHIL (45) comes rushing out of a house on her left and sidles up to Brandy. The AC Officer offs his cell, then approaches Brandy and Phil with a clipboard and pen in hand.

BRANDY: (to Phil) He says it’s a pitbull!

PHIL: A pitbull! Well that explains why it’s so vicious. Nearly attacked me several times. (to the AC Officer) So glad you came and took it away, Officer. [polite] I had no idea it was a pitbull. In fact, when Brandy asked me to feed her dog while she was away, I thought she had a poodle. (turns to Brandy) You did have a poodle, right? (off her nod) What happened to it? (beat) Oh God, I hope this monster didn’t kill and eat your dog. [mystery, misinterpretation, superior position – he doesn’t know this is serious and police have been called; guilt ridden]

BRANDY: (trembling) I just don’t know, Phil. Poochi-Poo is nowhere to be found. The monster probably ate him! (sob)

Phil gives her a perfunctory embrace [polite].

PHIL: It’s all my fault, Dear. I should have called you when I wondered if that could possibly be your dog. I mean I just don’t know anything about dogs. {misinterpretation – implicating himself; guilt ridden]

BRANDY: And I don’t know who called Animal Control.

She glances at NEIGHBOR FRANK (40s) on the porch of the house to the right. He’s standing, arms folded, viewing the scene. [something unseen, intrigue] Phil follows her line of vision, then back to the AC Officer.

PHIL: As you can see, Brandy, isn’t responsible for this. As her talent agent–

AC OFFICER: (to Brandy) It was an anonymous tip. A man’s voice. (to Phil) So, you said you were feeding it. And the puppies?

PHIL: Well, I would just shove the food into the yard before the dog could jump me. I never saw puppies.

AC OFFICER: (writing notes) Then you are the one responsible for the dog. (off Phil’s gawk shock) You see, even if you feed a dog one day, the dog becomes your responsibility. [fear, Major Twist… we thought Brandy was in trouble]

As Phil studders incredulity, A POLICE CAR arrives. A big, tougher-looking POLICEMAN gets out, joins the AC Officer, Phil, and Brandy.

POLICEMAN: (to the AC Officer) I’ll take from here. [uncomfortable moment — Phil had no idea it was that serious]

AC OFFICER: I’ll go get the puppies.

The Policeman nods. The AC Officer goes gets a box from his van, then heads back to the yard.

POLICEMAN: (to Phil) What’s your full name and address? Your occupation?

PHIL: Philip Barlow, Officer. 2118 Rosy Lane, Hidalgo, California. I’m a-a talent agent… And got into real estate, but having problems with that. [slight DEMAND re properties]

The Policeman writes it down. Phil fret speaks.

PHIL (CONT’D): I’m head of the neighbor watch. I have great relations with your police chief. [sense of entitlement]

POLICEMAN: And what’s your connection to this property, (Looks at his clipboard) 2116 Rosy Lane?

PHIL: I own all the houses on this street, and–

POLICEMAN: (gottcha) I see.

PHIL: No, officer, you don’t understand. I’m renting this house out to Miss Brandy here. She was away for a while and asked me to feed her dog. I thought it was a poodle, but–

POLICEMAN: (to Brandy) And your name, address, and occupation?

BRANDY: (flushed and effusive) Brandy Lamarr, with two “Rs.” 2116 Rosy Lane, Hidalgo. I’m a movie star. (baby voice) You may have seen me in “Too Late, George”?

POLICEMAN: (viewing her cleavage) No, I… didn’t see that one.

BRANDY: “Quannah’s Quandry”?

POLICEMAN: “Whoa, that was a great movie. You were in that?!”

BRANDY: Well, I was pretty far down the credits. (glares at Phil) The saloon girl?

POLICEMAN: I guess I’ll have to see it again, be on the lookout for the saloon girl. (to Phil, serious) So what we have here is a 13-50, possession of a pitbull, and 13-75, breeding pitbulls. I’ll have to take you in, since you were the one feeding the dog. [surprise re how serious it is; fear]

PHIL: (knocked back) What?! You mean arrest me over a dog thing?

POLICEMAN: That’s the law. Lack of knowledge of the law–

PHIL: (disgusted) I know, … is no excuse. But I don’t even live here and Miss Brandy was away for a month.

BRANDY: (interjecting) On one of those spaghetti Westerns, “Bushwhacker’s Den.” Which’ll surely top the Django series.

Phil looks to Brandy shocked, meekly succumbing as the Policeman handcuffs him [polite] while murmuring the MIRANDA RIGHTS.

PHIL: I thought you were with your sick father? [Brandy, a liar] (to the Policeman) I’m innocent, Officer. [hope]

POLICEMAN: They all say that. [fear]

PHIL: I need to call my attorney. [hope]

POLICEMAN: At the police station.

The AC Officer returns with his box full of puppies.

AC OFFICER: These dogs are sick. One is dead. It’s more serious than I thought. [fear]

Brandy shrugs, turns to Phil, who is worried sick over his predicament.

BRANDY: I WAS with Daddy a few days… Phil, you weren’t getting me any parts. I got another agent. I need money. I’m in debt. [needy, deceptive]

As the Policeman leads compliant Phil to the Police Car and loads him in, Phil calls back.

PHIL: I understand why, Brandy Dear. But you blew the parts I got you. No pun intended. And-and “Bushwhacker’s Den”? You’re going back to that? [mystery/intrigue – what is “that”?]

BRANDY: (shouts with contorted face) You got all the good parts for high class Marla Dubois! Is she better in bed than me, you dirty, rotten cheater! [character change]

All look with horror at her ugly transformation, except Frank on his porch, who smiles. The Police Car zooms away with Phil. Brandy pulls her cell.

BRANDY (ON CELL): Hi Daddy. You were so right about the law. [character changes back] And they took your sick pitbull and puppies away. (whimpers, near tears) You can bring back Poochi Poo now. [PLOT/SITUATION Reveal – Brandy arranged to put the dog there & setup Phil, betrayal, willing to lie]

Neighbor Frank approaches.

FRANK: I didn’t call the cops, Miss Brandy. I swear.

BRANDY: I know that, Franky Baby. But I am glad to get Phil the Red Pill out of my hair. (off Frank’s confusion) Trying to change little ole me… The jailbird won’t be laying Marla tonight. [CHARACTER REVEAL – she’s evil all along]

FRANK: (headshake TSK) Well, I hope they lock him away for good. The slumlord. Always raising rent on these rat-infested shacks.

Frank looks across the street at the eyesore of A MASSIVE JUNKYARD. [REVEAL more interesting setting UNSEEN, new circumstance, surprise]

FRANK (CONT’D): This is nothing but a rural slum… But I guess he gave you a concession.

BRANDY: An itty-bitty one… So how’re things with your big construction contract? You thought of moving to a real swanky place…

INT./EXT. POLICE CAR/CITY STREETS – DAY

PHIL: I wanted to save her. “Bushwhacker’s Den” is NOT a western. It’s porn. So I failed at that and much more…. [guilt-ridden; mystery re “much more”] (eyes the Policeman in the rearview mirror) And I don’t sleep with my clients, despite her allusion. I just want to help actors become rich and famous AND live good, decent lives. I’ve discovered more star material than anyone in our agency. [manipulative]

POLICE: So, you’re a talent agent? … Any parts for policemen?

PHIL: They’re hot right now. Yeh, I could get you some parts. Start with a couple of bits and who knows how far you’ll go. (beat) So what’s the penalty for this dog crime?

POLICE: The dogs are starved and sick, but we won’t make that an issue… A month in jail at most, but probably a fine. Surely your attorney’ll get you off. And if he doesn’t, I know one who will. (beat) Ya know, my wife’s on the Community Improvement Committee. We could look into rezoning and getting rid of that junkyard… It’d improve your property value.

PHIL: (smiles) Why, thank you, Officer, uh?

POLICE: Briggs, Joe Briggs.

PHIL. Glad to meet you… I’ve been trying to get the street rezoned ever since they set up that junkyard…

They ride in silence a while into a town.

POLICE: So you think the woman’s guilty?

PHIL: Not for that dog crime, no. And I don’t think the neighbor put the dog there either, even though he’s a pitbull himself. It’s likely the dog just came into the yard because Brandy was away… (whines) And ate her little poodle. I feel so responsible. For her poodle, not her. [guilt-ridden] (long beat) But you might want to investigate Brandy for other things. Her real name is Bertha Foglehorse. And if you want her junkie’s contact info… [cliffhanger, twist]