Lesson 25: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 5

[Michael Jones]

Susan —

First, impressed by how you Russianize the names. Great opening action and suspense plus predictions with Filipp’s trying to let Brendi have an ‘accident’ during one of their acts. Filipp’s nice recovery later by having the audacity to snuggle up to her when she knows what he was trying to do. Good use of subtext with their interaction and how their traits show influence how each one will react. I gotta say, Filipp’s a bit unlikable (well done!). The “feigning disbelief.”

The twist with Brendi as a high-ranking agent works, but her risking letting an assassin go, especially one that tried to off her seems a rather poor decision on her part. Perhaps, she could let him think he gets to leave but is waiting for him to fall into her trap. Nevertheless, she can do whatever you want her to do because that might be the actual decision you have your character make and it’s a sign of a good character when anyone can criticize it for such a reason.

Good use of transliteration. In a script though, you’ll probably write the translation with a parenthetical note that she is speaking Russian. You could also have an appendage to the script with the scene with the actual Russian script for the scene (Stranger Things writers did this in their Season Four script, I think it was episode nine, “The Piggyback,” and it’s available on The Script Lab).

Wonderful twist in showing Filipp genuinely caring for Brendi but being an assassin. But a fine twist in showing, at least in this case, his hands are tied due to some threat to his brother. Makes his actions sacrificial, even if he doesn’t want to do it.

You capture the dialect exceedingly well and layer it with mystery and intrigue. Who is Filipp? What will Brendi do when she finds him? Will they join forces to save Filipp’s brother and have a Mission Impossible kind of relationship?

The writing flows, is concise and forms a clear picture. You’re writing truly has blossomed to this point.

[Susan]

Thank you for your feedback Mike, I really appreciate it. Funny thing is I haven’t even seen the 4th season of Stranger Things yet. I had rented it from the library but when it came it was totally crushed. I just asked them to buy it again. I love that show. I don’t have Netflix. I looked up the script though and I saw what you were talking about with the Appendix. They had the Russian Cyrillic, but no transliteration which I feel is more important for the actors than the Russian alphabet itself. I haven’t been feeling great. This version of Covid really stunk! I’m better now, but there have been some after effects like exhaustion (but no animations or simulations 😜). I’ll get to your feed back soon. Promise!

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

This Revision definitely raised the bar and is also more serious. Phillip is a real POS, but I can’t say Brandy isn’t either. 😉

I enjoyed that you put “A Christmas Carol” into the scene and it plays better the 2nd time around. And it’s nice to know Tiny Tim got the use of his legs back on the other side….

Also the old time Humphry Bogartesque Action gave me a chuckle.

You did a really good job with the reveals, and the dramatic character relationships, although I’m not sure those were based on their traits. Their subtext came shining through.

Phillip appears more needy than Brandy and I’m not getting her status seeking either. I do see entertaining and deceptive a great deal.

Phillip certainly has a sense of entitlement and is manipulative, these traits really stand out. I could tell he is also guilt ridden, but I’m not sure about polite. It’s a tough one though. He doesn’t speak in a harsh way, but… what exactly makes a person sound polite. I’m up against it in the next Cycle myself.

Oh also, the scene just speeds along, it’s great.

Anyway great job again, of course, and I could have missed a LOT because I still feel like I can’t keep my eyes open most of the day and taking nap doesn’t work. 🤭 So it’s quite possible you shouldn’t listen to a word I wrote!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

☺

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.