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Lesson 27
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MIKE’S REWRITE SCENE
LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus travel down a dark road on a way to a famous castle.
ESSENCE: Squabbling to kissing.
SCENE:
EXT. CARRIAGE – NIGHT
The moon beams onto the horse-drawn carriage bumping down a roughshod roadway, trees on both sides. Howling Wolves and a mysterious mist.
INT. CARRIAGE
CARLEY (30) slaps MARCUS (34) across the face, then follows it up with a return slap. Marcus takes her wrist before the next wave begins.
MARCUS
Easy. You’ll damage the lines. I worked hard to get ‘em.
Carley breaks her hands free.
CARLEY
Hey, I didn’t mean to…I just thought it’d be a different castle. I was really looking forward to…I’m sorry. Are you hurt?
MARCUS
What do you think? Now, when we get there it is imperative, and I mean absolutely one-hundred percent imperative that you desist from any nightly exploration.
CARLEY
Or, I can just turn back.
MARCUS
We’re bound at least a week. But, by then, we will’ve found it.
CARLEY
I can jump out and walk back.
MARCUS
What are you afraid of? I thought this mattered to you.
She moves to the door but Marcus lunges to stop her only to find a swift punch to the oblique to settle him back down and focus on his breathing. He GASPS some inaudible words. Carley’s still at the door.
CARLEY
I’d say goodbye, but I guess you’re like a bad penny.
Marcus controls his breathing as he holds his side
CARLEY
I’m sorry, bat got your tongue?
MARCUS
Go ahead. Jump. A meal is a meal to a wolf, if that’s the only thing you chance to encounter.
She considers then slaps him again, this side on the other part of his face, then opens the door and jumps.
EXT. CARRIAGE – NIGHT
Carley lands and collapses into a roll. The ground’s hard, but she’s harder. She moans for a moment, then lifts herself off the ground, bit by bit. She stands and shakes her arms and kicks her legs.
She looks at the carriage continuing on without her. She looks around. It’s dark. Trees barely visible, and beyond and within them? Well, forget it.
She begins to walk with one look back. Has she done the right thing?
Carley spins to make the walk back but spins right into someone. She looks like she’s about to SCREAM but collects herself and punches instead, with the occasional kick to emphasize her point.
MARCUS
Carley! Carley! It’s me!
Who’s this that knows her? Still suspicious she takes Marcus’s arm and twists it behind his back.
CARLEY
Who are you?
MARCUS
Will ya back off, ya spazz?
CARLEY
You can’t be Marcus. I left you on the carriage.
MARCUS
‘Cos when ya jumped, I sprang out the other door. Considering I’m wearing a black overcoat, not much surprise ya didn’t see me right away.
CARLEY
Why didn’t the carriage stop?
MARCUS
Guys probably passed out from that jug he kept swiggin’ from.
CARLEY
Marcus!
She lets go and hugs him.
MARCUS
Do that again, and—
Carley tenderly takes his face in her hands.
CARLEY
(mocking)
Oh, darling, do you have a boo-boo?
Marcus pushes her back and makes himself a bigger.
MARCUS
Sit back and keep those Herculean paws at bay. Ouch. If only you weren’t just a pretty face.
Marcus massages his arm. Carley looks around.
CARLEY
Now what?
MARCUS
Now what? You jumped. Thought you had a plan.
CARLEY
I know you have one. You always do.
MARCUS
Not always. And we would’ve had it had you just shut up and do as I said. We won’t get another chance.
CARLEY
It’s a dungeon, not a castle. If you ever let yourself learn from another, you’d remember what Jonathan said.
Wolves howl. Not far. In fact, so close Marcus and Carley can hear the hungry SNARLS.
MARCUS
We’re going to be alright, Car. You, me, together.
CARLEY
If you start singing, I’m gonna clobber you.
MARCUS
Start walking, make yourself look threatening and hope we chance on a rock or stick or something.
A large wolf struts onto the road behind them.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
Keep walking.
It starts to follow. It’s joined by another. More and more wolves find the courage to join group.
CARLEY
They keep multiplying.
Marcus glances back and picks up the pace.
MARCUS
I know this is hard for you. I wanted to give you time, ya know? To give you an adventure. To find it. Be in the papers.
CARLEY
I never asked for that.
MARCUS
What did you ask for? Wasn’t it for this?
CARLEY
The wolves are still behind us. It makes me uncomfortable.
MARCUS
It’s gone now, anyway. I tried. You know, I really, really tried. I fought it for so long. Tried to hide who I am, what I am…(glances back at the wolves)…but there’s no way out of it, now.
CARLEY
You’re so dramatic.
The wolves bound towards them. Carley stands tall and ready. This is it and she’ll go out on her terms.
Marcus draws himself up and charges at the wolves. For some reason they stop. He does some HOWLING SHRIEK and would you believe it? The wolves stop. They stop. Not only that, they whimper and rush back to the cover of trees.
He returns to Carley but something about his eyes seem off.
CARLEY
You really are full of surprises.
MARCUS
I told you I’d protect you.
Marcus slips his arm around Carley.
CARLEY
How’d you do it?
MARCUS
Guess I speak wolf. Didn’t know if that’d work. At least we’re safe, at the moment, and alone, with each other.
Marcus stares into her eyes and she looks back. She gives him a real hard, long look.
CARLEY
You really are a piece—
Marcus kisses her. She wants this. She never felt how bad until now. She kisses back. He kisses her cheek. He kisses her neck. Carley moves her head back.
MARCUS
I’m sorry, my dear.
Marcus opens his mouth wide and fangs descend as he kisses her…
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Mike- great changing up the location to amp up the drama. Loved that! Made the characters seem more real. Also, very thriller video at the end. Makes us think, was this his plan all along?
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Christi Maximum interest Cycle 5 Revision
Sorry everyone! It’s so close to Christmas I didn’t have much to revise. Will be sending you both an email so we can discuss our new writing group!
Logline: Marcus and Carley have known each other for years but will soon discover they belonged together all along.
Essence: Marcus and Carly finally come to a realization.
The Home
FADE IN:
SHADY PINES RETIREMENT HOME
Carley, 60s, petite, sat at a games table in the active nursing home games room across from Marcus, 60s, lumbering frame as he hunches over a Scrabble board. NURSES smiled knowingly at them as they passed by.
CARLEY
Are you sure there isn’t a timer on this game?
MARCUS
I have to see the board standing up is all.
Carley looks absentmindedly at the room as ELDERLY patients with walkers and wheelchairs ambled past.
MARCUS
What’s wrong with you?
CARLEY
Always the charmer.
MARCUS
Sorry, just the last time I saw you this distracted, you were trying to decide whether to marry Frank.
CARLEY
I did marry Frank.
MARCUS
I’m sorry, I’m just saying…
CARLEY
Just take your turn.
Marcus plunks down letters onto the board.
MARCUS
Fleury.
CARLEY
Not a word.
MARCUS
Is too. It’s flurry but in french.
CARLEY
No other languages.
MARCUS
Then what was Bistro?
Beat.
CARLEY
Fine.
MARCUS
Seriously, what’s wrong?
CARLEY
I have to move.
MARCUS
To a different chair?
CARLEY
A different home. Frank sold the house while he was still alive and we’ve been renting from the owner. I found the paperwork yesterday.
Marcus sits down and looks at her.
MARCUS
You never knew.
CARLEY
No, so now I have to ask the kids if they can help me buy back the house or maybe move in here.
She looks around the nursing home.
MARCUS
Frank didn’t tell you?
CARLEY
Do you have an I?
MARCUS
Go fish.
Carley takes the bag of tiles and sorts through them, looking for her letter.
CARLEY
I don’t think this is the proper way to play.
MARCUS
We’ve just made a better way.
CARLEY
I’m tired of this game.
MARCUS
You can have mine. I have 3.
CARLEY
How on earth?
MARCUS
You can never have too many I’s.
Exasperated, she takes a tile from him. She still considers the tiles on her holder.
MARCUS
I bought it.
CARLEY
Bought what?
MARCUS
The House.
CARLEY
You what? Why?
MARCUS
Frank and I had a deal. I would look after you when he was gone.
CARLEY
Is that what these stupid games days are about?
MARCUS
You didn’t want to go sailing.
CARLEY
Couldn’t afford it.
They stared at each other as a Nurse came by, dropping a floral arrangement on the table beside them. She then smiled and moved on again.
MARCUS
You never knew?
CARLEY
Of course not, Frank never told me!
MARCUS
No, I meant, I’ve been in love with you for 40 years. And I think you love me too.
Marcus picks up her hand and kisses it.
FADE OUT.
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A vivid portrayal. I get the sense of their senior years and there time together, not caring exactly what they’re doing but knowing they’re doing it, together. It does leave some questions about loving each other for forty years and her husband being okay with it and hoping he would buy the house and finally get to be with his wife. Sweet their love lasted so long; sad it lasted while being with others. But, it’s only a scene and the rest of the story could explain why they always loved each other but never ended up with each other. In a less dramatic way, Indiana Jones did that with Marion in Crystal Skull, but he’d probably say that to whatever female was with him.
I see the arc of the scene how they end up realizing and expressing their love for each other with anticipatory dialogue. I know things were rushed but it’s still a good scene and it paints a lovely picture.
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Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest QE Cycle #6 Revision
Logline: Marcus vies for Carley’s top spot on the cooking show… “The Afternoon Gourmet” during sweeps week but it doesn’t turn out as planned.
Essence: Live campfire cooking show in State Park Picnic area during sweeps weeks… what doesn’t go wrong?
Traits:
Carley New Traits: Tough, Food Theorist, Distracting/Evasive, Polite
Marcus New Traits: Strategic, Stage Hog, Imaginative, Apologetic
Scene: The Afternoon Gourmets
EXT: PICNIC AREA STATE PARK AUTUMN AFTERNOON
A cooking show, “The Afternoon Gourmet” is finishing setting up for a live outdoor camping cookout for sweeps weeks.
The crew place the outdoor over-fire grills on the two campfire setups and light them both up.
The area is surrounded by buckets of water and some of sand. There is a long hose attached to a water truck nearby as well, and several Forest Ranger Vehicles including one that could hold animals. The Rangers have stun guns, hand guns, rifles and belts with various types of ammunition including darts.
Ten State Forest Rangers are scattered around the area. The only other people there are the crew, the Producer/MACK, the Director/JAKE, and Marcus Farina’s Manager BEVERLY who is allowed to take photos (which will need Producer approval) for her publicity campaign for Marcus.
Makeup is prepping the two stars, CARLEY NIGHTINGALE (British) and MARCUS FARINA (American). His MU ARTIST is dirtying MARCUS’ nails. He is protesting.
MARCUS
(Apologetically, Strategically)
You know, no one will want to eat any food I cook if my fingernails look like this. Clean them now. And I don’t care what the Di-rector said, just do it. I’ll deal with him later. In short order I’ll be head Chef.
MAKEUP ARTIST #1
(Stifling a laugh)
Yes Mr. Farina.
MARCUS is dressed in Chef Whites, a Long apron with FARINA embroidered on it, and a Toque Blanche (Chef’s hat).
CARLEY is being made up to look like an outdoors woman. Dressed uncharacteristically in figure hugging designer jeans (like Re/Done or Veronica Beard) and a British flower print flannel shirt, she is incredibly uncomfortable but stunning.
CARLEY
(To Makeup Artist #2 in British Accent)
Would you please call over wardrobe Pet, these slacks are going up my you know what!
MAKEUP ARTIST #2
(Hiding her exasperation and giggles)
I’ll be right back
The Director and Producer walk over to the Stars and hunker between them.
JAKE PRODUCER
(Stage whispering)
You two, we need you ready for this. It’s live today… a two hour special out here in the wild. I know you are both prepared. I just want you to know the Rangers are here to keep the crowd away. And remember it’s sweeps weeks and we want to bring up those ratings!
JAKE walks away and stations himself by CAMERAMAN #1.
MACK DIRECTOR
(Encouragingly, but staring down Marcus)
Now try and get along today. I know you can BOTH be consummate professionals…
The DIRECTOR MACK kicks MARCUS’ chair pretending it is accidental.
MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
if you want to be.
CARLEY rolls her eyes, bites her lip, and looks away from MARCUS.
MARCUS
(Explaining apologetically/Gaslighting)
You know I always try really hard to get every line right. I only want what’s best for the show. It’s difficult you know when you’ve studied at the Cordon Bleu to be thrust into a show with someone who is not up to the same gourmet level, and from Britain no less… they’re notorious for the WORST food!
MACK DIRECTOR
(Seriously, knitting the fingers of both hands together as a guide)
We need our Stars to work together, if that is not possible then….
MACK saunters over to the Producer.
MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
(Using a Megaphone)
Ready on the set. This is a 1 minute warning. Places everybody NOW! This is live people.
CARLEY and MARCUS rush over to the prep table to begin the shoot. CARLEY tries to pull the jeans out of her crotch as she goes. Every once in a while during this scene, when her lower half is off camera, she does the same thing.
MACK DIRECTOR
Three, Two, One, Action!
CARLEY
(Serenely not looking at Marcus perched right next to her)
Welcome to The Afternoon Gourmet, and to our two hour live special! We are out here in the wild in our beautiful State Park (pick one) with a set of Gourmet campfire recipes to tickle anyone’s fancy.
Carley sweeps her arms above the prep table.
CARLEY (CONT’D)
(Confidentially)
We will be making a scrummy gourmet feast straight out of India… For the main dish, Grilled Tandori Chicken Thighs. We’ll be using the darker juicier meat to keep it moist on the grill. We’ll also be cooking up Saffron Basmati Rice, Naan bread, Baby Greens and Cucumber Salad, with Honeyed Apple Pears for Dessert. Because we are campfire cooking we are using a few store bought bits and bobs… like condiments such as Mango Chutney. When buying these please make sure you buy an excellent brand. And as always you can find the recipes and quantities on our website. Shall we get going?
CARLEY pulls out two disposable cooking gloves from a box. MARCUS jumps upstage of CARLEY and stands in front of the prep table and CARLEY.
MARCUS
(Jokingly)
And I imagine you’ll be changing into a Saree before we sit down to…
MARCUS pushes down on the edge of the prep table and the bowl of Chicken Thighs tumbles down into the dirt.
MARCUS
(Apologetically like a cat)
eat? You know I meant to do that. Those Chicken thighs smelled off. It is extremely important that all your ingredients are really fresh to avoid food poisoning.
CARLEY points to the STEADICAM CAMERAMAN, then makes a follow me motion with her hand. She leads the viewers away from the mess so the crew can quickly clean up. She stops at her Van.
CARLEY
(Wearing her disposable gloves)
In Food Theory, knowing how to prepare in case of accidents,
which might occur more often in the wild, requires little mental effort. Consequently I brought extras.
CARLEY slides open the van door and sweeps her arms again showing a series of boxes and coolers inside. She grabs the one marked Chicken Thighs and begins the march back toward the prep table.
CARLEY stares down MARCUS off camera as she walks back toward the prep table.
As she walks MARCUS stares at her bum. His MANAGER BEVERLY tries to get to him, but is stopped by the PRODUCER JAKE who sticks his arm out like a railroad crossing gate. BEVERLY bumps right into it barely keeping her balance.
MACK DIRECTOR vanishes behind his vehicle and takes out two plastic containers, then creeps around to the wooded area behind the prep table. He really reaches, dumping out one container of ants, and another of grasshoppers right under the table.
MACK slinks back to JAKE.
MACK DIRECTOR
(Giving a Fist Bump)
Done!
JAKE PRODUCER rubs his hands together gleefully.
JAKE PRODUCER
Sweeps weeks here we come!
CARLEY arrives at the prep table placing the cold Stainless Steel Bowl of Chicken Thighs down. She looks back up at the camera.
CARLEY
(Glancing at Marcus)
Let’s get started with the marinade shall we?
MARCUS
(Changing his lines)
We will be using non-traditional spices for this recipe.
CARLEY
(Distracting, Smiling)
Codswallop! We have all of our traditional gourmet spices ready right here on the prep table.
As CAMERAMAN #1 pushes in on the tiny bowls of East Indian spices we see a larger bowl of honey covered in ants, and grasshoppers chomping on a large bowl of lettuce.
CARLEY
Oh my!
CARLEY takes a step back from the table.
MARCUS
(Looking at the Camera but Taunting Carley)
Well I guess that’s the end of the salad and desert! Too bad too, it sounded luscious. Well folks while the crew cleans this up Carley and I will have a little debate… Food Theory vs. Cordon Bleu gourmet cooking.
The crew comes in again and removes the honey and the salad and puts them several feet away from the table on the ground.
CARLEY
(Bravely)
It just so happens I have duplicates of the Honey and Lettuce in my Van as well, Marcus. And although I appreciate a chinwag as much as the next person, I’m sure our audience would prefer it, to get on with the actual cooking. So I am going to heat enough water for our rice in one pot.
CARLEY glides over to the stage left campfire carrying both pots. A stage hand has already placed a small folding table by the campfire for the measured ingredients, including water.
In another pot I am lightly toasting Cinnamon, Cardamom, Cloves and Peppercorn in Ghee… now I add the fragrant Basmati kernels toasting for just a moment… then stir in the hot water and saffron, and cover. While the rice is cooking I will lightly toast pistachios which we will add in when the rice is done. I am setting a timer on my phone.
CARLEY pulls the frying pan of PISTACHIOS off the grill.
CARLEY (CONT’D)
Meanwhile let’s see how Marcus is doing with the marinade for the Tandoori Chicken thighs.
While CARLEY is on camera cooking, MARCUS takes one of the buckets of water and poses it precariously on the rocks surrounding his campfire so it will spill on the fire where the Grilled Tandoori Chicken is supposed to be made.
CARLEY looks over at MARCUS who dashes back to the prep table behind and stage right to CARLEY and her campfire.
Suddenly the bucket of water crashes onto the fire and puts it out.
MARCUS
(Rationalizing)
Oh well, I guess we’ll be doing a vegetarian cookout this afternoon. Too bad we couldn’t taste that amazing BRITISH Tandoori recipe of yours. It sounds mouthwatering!
CARLEY walks over to MARCUS cheerfully.
CARLEY
(Politely but sarcastically)
How unlike the God of War to put out a fire!
CARLEY fixes MARCUS’ collar.
CARLEY
(To the camera)
He’s just pulling your leg. Of course we can grill the Tandoori Chicken. There’s plenty of room on the other grill, and if all else fails I do have a portable charcoal grill and baguettes…
MARCUS
(Interrupting her)
In your Van! OK then, I have already cut slices along the Chicken Thighs to make it easier for the first marinade to soak in.
MARCUS points to the marinating Chicken Thighs.
I am mixing the thick Yogurt with more spices for the second marinade which will coat and remain on the chicken while grilling.
Unbeknownst to anyone on the set a young black bear, known to the Rangers as CHARLIE, is hiding in the wooded area behind the prep table. We can see him. He can smell the honey and is getting ready to get some. He is the real reason so many Rangers are there. CHARLIE crashes cookouts at the park on a regular basis.
Suddenly CHARLIE makes a dash for the honey. He is really close to MARCUS and CARLEY. CHARLIE BEAR grabs the bowl and stands up scrutinizing them.
CARLEY, her tough thermometer suddenly plunging to zero.
CARLEY
(Whispering, Terrified)
What do we do now?
MARCUS
(Hamming it up)
Don’t worry Kahuna, I got this.
MARCUS boldly uses his body to shield CARLEY. He picks up the bowl of flour ready to toss it in the BEAR’S eyes if he comes any closer.
BEVERLY tries to run to MARCUS again but is stopped in her tracks by JAKE PRODUCER.
JAKE PRODUCER
You’re not even insured Beverly.
Several of the Rangers tiptoe over, and motion for MARCUS and CARLEY to move away.
MARCUS puts his arms around CARLEY and they slowly inch toward her VAN.
All three CAMERAMEN film the Rangers and Bear.
JAKE PRODUCER
(Whispering happily)
Why didn’t we think of this?
MACK DIRECTOR
So much better than bugs!
RANGER # 1
(Softly)
Hello there Charlie. You’re out of bounds boy.
CHARLIE BEAR looks up and GROWLS, there is no way he is letting go of this treat.
CARLEY’S phone timer goes off, CHARLEY BEAR Startles, eyeballs her. She mutes the phone immediately, gazes at the campfire, but there is nothing she can do to save the rice. She can’t move.
RANGERS # 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 have their rifles up ready to shoot Charlie with tranquilizers. The other four silently open the back of the Ranger Animal Rescue Vehicle and prepare the rescue frame.
The lead Ranger nods to RANGER # 3 who has the best shot. He takes it, and CHARLIE plops down on his butt with his back against a tree. One of the Rangers puts the honey with the dead ants back on the prep table. CHARLIE is boosted onto the rescue frame, gently restrained and carried to the RESCUE VEHICLE by at least 6 Rangers. They slide him in, immobilize the fame, secure the door.
RANGER # 1
(Calming)
OK everyone, we’re going to drive Charlie deep into the mountains. He won’t be back anytime today.
CARLEY bolts to the rice. She throws on some MITTS and checks it. It’s burnt to the bottom of the pot. The STEADICAM CAMERAMAN follows her.
CARLEY looks up at the camera determined.
MACK DIRECTOR executes a ‘keep going’ rolling motion to CARLEY with his arms.
CARLEY
(Brushing off the distress from her clothes)
Even though it is burnt to the bottom of the pot, the wonderful aroma of the spiced rice is filling the air around us, urging us on to finish our gourmet cookout. Let’s blow off some steam and make a batch of Naan.
MARCUS follows CARLEY to the prep table. The flour and other ingredients are sitting there all measured out into bowls.
MARCUS
(Apologetically)
You know I have to do this.
MARCUS grabs a handful of flour and douses CARLEY with it. CARLEY grabs a tray and uses it like a shield.
She opens the rice pot and throws a fistful of sticky rice at MARCUS, following up with flour.
She sees the honey bowl picks it up and pours it over MARCUS’ head.
CARLEY
(Laughing)
How sweet you are now!
Both CARLEY and MARCUS pick up pots from the prep table and take fighting stances. CARLEY rubs her nose like a fighter before a match.
MARCUS
(Pacing himself)
I went to the Cordon Bleu! You’re from England. England has THE WORST food in the world. I should be top Chef!
CARLEY
(Gathering her strength)
Well don’t you just take the biscuit! You’re a sandwich short of a picnic! I was in the same class, you never even noticed me! I was number one. Le Cordon Bleu Premier!
MARCUS GASPS. His face lights up with a memory. He drops his pot.
MARCUS
(Excitedly)
You were the only one who could make Consommé perfectly! Head of the class. I remember you now… You were a Frump.
CARLEY drops her pot and reaches for a container of juicy sliced pears. She dumps it on MARCUS’ head, then throws more flour on for good measure.
CARLEY
(Grinning)
Now we can bake you.
MARCUS reaches for her and grabs her ass. CARLEY reaches for him. They embrace and kiss passionately as if they’re going to swallow each other up.
BEVERLY
(Despairingly, screaming)
Marcus Farina, how dare you!
JAKE PRODUCER and MACK DIRECTOR stare at CARLEY AND MARCUS and then turn to each other.
JAKE PRODUCER
(Cheerfully)
We can rename the show… how about The Saucy Gourmets.
MACK DIRECTOR
(Just as happily)
I like it… or, The HUNGRY Gourmets, oh… The Afternoon Delight Gourmets.
JAKE PRODUCER
(Fist bumping Mack)
Or Food Love In The Afternoon.
MACK DIRECTOR
(Shaking his head)
That’s what happens when you study cooking in France.
They both laugh out loud.
FADE OUT.
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