Lesson 28: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 6

[Tim Adeney]

LOGLINE: Marcus tries to persuade/con Carley to audition with him for the musical.

ESSENCE: Marcus reveals his true feelings for Carley.

SCENE:

INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – DAY

Busy. Noise. Kids moving between classes.

MARCUS [16], dressed in his own style – just a little quirky – leans against the wall, half hidden by lockers, watching a group of girls coming along the corridor.

His focus is one in particular: CARLEY [16], wanna-be cool girl.

As the girls pass, Marcus steps out behind them, maneuvering himself next to Carley.

MARCUS

Carley…

She hesitates; thinks better of it and keeps moving.

Marcus is in step with her now.

MARCUS

I’m sorry.

(off her look)

Can you forgive me?

CARLEY

For what?

MARCUS

I can just see you doing it.

CARLEY

Doing what?

MARCUS

I think you’re perfect for it.

Carley stops walking. She gives him the look.

MARCUS

Forgive me first.

CARLEY

Oh my… Okay, I forgive you. What ‘terrible’ thing have you done?

MARCUS

I knew you would. I can’t wait…

Marcus turns on his heel.

Carley leaps after him, grabbing an arm and twisting it sharply up behind his back, getting a few looks from passing kids.

MARCUS

Ow, okay, settle. Let me go.

CARLEY

Just please tell me what you’ve done.

MARCUS

Let me go first.

Carley pushes his arm higher.

MARCUS

Ow!

Drawing more looks from passing kids.

Marcus comes face to face with JACKSON, a plump boy with combed and jelled hair

JACKSON

Unruly behavior is not allowed in the corridors.

MARCUS

Oh I’m sorry Jackson. Get lost.

CARLEY

Please.

Jackson sticks his nose in the air and makes off, but he glances back as he goes, a rare smile forming.

MARCUS

Let me go Carley. You owe me remember?

Carley releases her grip.

CARLEY

Are you going to tell me what I forgave you for?

Marcus massages his shoulder. He’s enjoying this.

MARCUS

I signed you up to audition for the musical.

CARLEY

No.

MARCUS

Oh yes…

She’s in his face.

CARLEY

No!

And she’s striding away down the corridor, a corridor that happens to be thinning out as kids move into their next classes.

Marcus is right there with her, at her shoulder.

MARCUS

Oh yes, miss stuck-up…

CARLEY

I’m sorry, I no longer forgive you.

MARCUS

…I helped you with that presentation, now you help me with the audition.

CARLEY

I hate being put on the spot.

MARCUS

Don’t you care that we had a deal?

Carley stops, trying to figure her way out of this.

CARLEY

Do you have a crush on Janice?

MARCUS

What?

CARLEY

Please. Answer the question.

MARCUS

Hmm, Janice, brunette, big brown eyes, nice body… hmmm…

CARLEY

I guess that answers the question.

The corridors are empty now – just the two of them left.

MARCUS

No.

CARLEY

Oh. So, who is it then?

MARCUS

You still have to do the audition.

CARLEY

Do you want to embarrass me?

MARCUS

I can see you doing it.

CARLEY

Tell me who your crush is and I’ll get her to do it with you.

MARCUS

Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind this much. If we just work on the song together, hey, it may turn out better than you think.

CARLEY

Marcus, please, I’ll be awful. Let me help you. Who would you really like to be with?

Marcus studies the corridor floor.

MARCUS

You don’t have to do it.

CARLEY

I said I’d help. Who is she?

Marcus’ eyes flick up at her, then back down to the floor.

CARLEY

I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.

MARCUS

If I tell you, you promise you’ll get her to do it with me?

CARLEY

I can’t promise, but I’ll do my best.

Marcus ponders this.

MARCUS

Okay… I’m looking at her.

Carley gasps.

CARLEY

Me?

MARCUS

I’m sorry.

CARLEY

No, please, don’t be. I mean… oh my… why’ve you been so hard on me?

MARCUS

(shrugs, then)

I was avoiding the truth, okay?

Now Carley’s studying the floor.

MARCUS

What if… What if we just try the song together? Forget the audition.

CARLEY

Just you and me?

Their eyes meet.

MARCUS

Just you and me.

CARLEY

Are you sure you don’t like Janice?

Marcus steps in close.

Carley holds his gaze.

He’s in command again. He bends forward kissing her gently.

PRINCIPAL

So! Very late to class.

Marcus and Carley pull apart, embarrassed, glancing at the Principal.

MARCUS

I’m so sorry, Ma’am.

Carley heads to her class.

PRINCIPAL

Not so fast, Mansfield.

Carley stops.

PRINCIPAL

There’ll be no kissing in detention on Saturday. Both of you.

Marcus sees Jackson further down the corridor, smirking. Marcus doesn’t take his eyes off him.

MARCUS

Yes, Ma’am. We’ll put the time to very good use, Ma’am.

[hilton Garrett]

Logline – Marcus and his men are sent behind enemy lines to rescue Carley

Essence – War be damned, two professionals can’t deny their love

———–Begin Scene———–

EXT. COMBAT ZONE, OUTSIDE HOUSE – DAY

First Lieutenant Marcus Tanner leads the platoon sent to extract a woman who ignored the order to evacuate the day before. Now he and his men must get her out safely. Having arrived at her location, Marcus assesses the situation.

As the men await orders from Marcus…

SERGEANT

(looks around)

Where’s Jones, Lieutenant?

MARCUS

I sent him on a run back to base.

SERGEANT

Sir, there’s still enemy dug in along that route.

MARCUS

Well, he’ll have to navigate carefully then, won’t he?

SERGEANT

I saw him talking with that lady in the house yesterday before we pulled back. Looked kinda friendly like.

MARCUS

Yeah, Jones is a real ladies’ man.

SERGEANT

And she’s a real looker, ain’t she, sir?

MARCUS

She’s a real pain in the ass, making us come back here under fire to get her.

SERGEANT

What’s the plan, sir?

MARCUS

Set a perimeter on the north side. That’s where they’ll come from. And do it now. Those sons-a-bitches will be here soon enough. Two men guard the front. I’m going in.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Carley Winter, a beautiful woman even in combat fatigues, is in the front room seated at a folding table. She types on a laptop. Marcus bursts through the front door. Carley looks up.

CARLEY

(off some blood on his face)

Well, soldier, looks like you’ve been busy defending democracy.

MARCUS

You were supposed to leave yesterday. Why didn’t you?

CARLEY

Was that an actual evacuation order, or just a suggestion? I wasn’t sure.

MARCUS

Pack up. We’re leaving.

CARLEY

May I offer you a cup of tea? The water’s boiling I believe.

MARCUS

We don’t have time for that. You’re lucky to still be alive as it is.

CARLEY

So you came not knowing if I was still alive?

MARCUS

It’s not enough we’ve got a shooting war going on, and a blown dam flooding the valley, but now we’re tying up manpower to come back and save you.

CARLEY

That’s your decision. I didn’t need you to rescue me.

MARCUS

It wasn’t my decision. If you weren’t the General’s daughter you’d be on your own. You’re so goddam entitled.

CARLEY

I’m sorry you think that. I’m just trying to get front-line news back to my audience. Do my job, you know?

MARCUS

The front line moved. You were supposed to move with it.

CARLEY

I’ve been in tight spots before. I can take care of myself.

MARCUS

Fine. Shall I leave you here then?

CARLEY

Like you left me at the station in Boston?

MARCUS

I’m sorry about that, Carley. I wasn’t ready. And I knew I was deploying.

CARLEY

I hated you for that.

MARCUS

I wrote you a letter.

CARLEY

What letter? I never got a letter.

MARCUS

I’m sorry. But I wrote it.

CARLEY

And mailed it?

MARCUS

Yes, I mailed it.

CARLEY

Well, what did it say?

MARCUS

This is not a good time to get into that.

CARLEY

Do you realize how many strings I had to pull to get assigned to your sector?

MARCUS

It’s a fucking war, Carley. I think more about winning and surviving.

CARLEY

Well you sure didn’t think about me.

MARCUS

So you’re a mind reader now?

CARLEY

I don’t have to be. The evidence speaks for itself.

MARCUS

There’s no evidence of what I think about.

CARLEY

Exactly! Out of thoughts arises action. No action – no thought. Admit it.

MARCUS

No, I don’t admit it.

CARLEY

Are you saying you thought about me?

MARCUS

No, you are.

CARLEY

No, I’m saying the opposite.

MARCUS

You’re putting words in my mouth.

CARLEY

Well, I assume you have your orders. Do whatever they say.

A mortar round lands in an ear-splitting explosion in the back part of the house. A large chunk of the ceiling falls on Marcus, knocks him down and half buries him in debris.

CARLEY

Are you okay? Here, let me help you.

Marcus is stunned from the impact of the fallen ceiling. Carley moves closer and lifts the biggest piece off of him. She pushes it aside.

Another mortar round lands just outside the front wall of the house. It blows out the window and showers them with glass.

SERGEANT (O.S.)

(shouts)

Sir! I can see ‘em coming! We gotta move!

MARCUS

(to Carley)

They’ve got us bracketed. The next mortar round’s gonna land on top of us. And Sergeant Taylor says the ground troops are coming.

CARLEY

I heard him.

She looks deeply into his eyes. She wipes at the dust and debris on his face. She lifts his helmet off and puts it aside.

MARCUS

Did you hear me? We’ve got to go!

He pushes himself up. He’s a little wobbly. She steps closer.

CARLEY

Are you sure you’re able?

MARCUS

Who’s able? You just do.

CARLEY

Maybe I can help.

She brushes the dust from his lips. They stare deep into each other’s eyes. Time stops. They stand motionless until she kisses him. He doesn’t move. Then slowly puts his arms around her. He pulls her tight to him. They kiss passionately.

MARCUS

I’m not leaving you again.

Enemy small arms fire slams into the north wall of the house. In the distance foreign voices shout above the din. Ever closer.

———-End Scene———–

[Audrey Gomes]

Hilton… you’ve captured a very unique situation; war… What you’ve created is dire straits where every second, every syllable counts to move a crucial moment forward. When split decisions have to be made, there’s no space for long explanations… Marcus has to execute the order to get the General’s daughter, Carley, out of harm’s way, NOW! Even if it means forcibly removing her. I think the sense of urgency was evident, but the dialogue slowed down the scene. Perhaps, they could work out their issues as the Jeep speeds away navigating a field of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED’s). Or having navigated pass the danger, an argument erupts. Behind enemy lines, trapped, uncertain outcomes, envelops a world we know very little about. Would be interesting to see how it unfolds… Sure an interesting concept.

[hilton Garrett]

Audrey, I’m starting a new class with Hal, and going through the set-up stuff I came across your critique of my post from the WIM class. I had not seen it before today. A very belated thanks for your comments. You were exactly right – that would have helped the scene immensely. Thank you

[Bill]

Bill Southwell QE Cycle#6 Scene Rewrite (comments appreciated)

Logline: Carley and Marcus take a mountain hike together to get-to-know each other better.

Essence: Love comes from service and caring

Scene:

EXT. Mountain trail. Day

(Carley and Marcus are hiking a trail in the California mountains.)

Carley

I don’t know about this idea of yours. I’m getting winded.

Marcus

You told me you were tough, so I thought you could handle it. Do you want to back out?

Carley

(Avoiding the question) (pause, then) This is beautiful. Just look at those flowers over there. Those are California poppies.

Marcus

This is my thinking. A trip like this puts us both under some level of stress. We get to see how we react in such circumstances. That is a good strategy to determine compatibility.

Carley

You mean you brought me up here to test me? Well, I don’t like being treated like a race horse.

Marcus

Certainly, if you have a race horse, you want to see how they can perform before you enter them in a race. Come on. You can do it. Imagine you were a pioneer crossing the plains. You have much better shoes than they had.

Carley

(disgusted) I’ve had about enough of this.

(pause)

Marcus

I didn’t think you were such a wimp. Stick with it a while longer. In about 2 miles more is Little Lake. We will rest there and have lunch.

Carley (cont)

No! Let’s have it out right now. There are things you don’t know about me. I didn’t bring it up before because of the nature of the events were not pleasant. I dumped my last boy friend because when he learned about my past he never trusted me again.

Marcus

The past is of no consequence to me. What we are now and where we are headed is all that matters.

(They walk on in silence, the trail getting steeper. Carley is determined to keep up with Marcus, but does not ask him to slow down.)

(Finally, they reach a ridge where they see the lake below. They head for it, relieved to be going downhill. Marcus is about 50 feet ahead of Carley.)

(Suddenly, Marcus stumbles. With his hands on his head he wanders off the trail and moans.)

Carley

(calling out to him) Is this part of your strategy? To fake an emergency to see how I will react.

Marcus

No!

Carley

Well, Now I have had enough. I’m not buying it. You are seeing just how well I can jump through your hoops. I have had enough of you! Yeah, your scheme worked! We could never be compatible. Thanks for the lesson.

(Marcus continues moaning, dancing around holding his head. Then he falls to the ground.)

Marcus

I have a severe headache.

(Carley approaches his side.)

Carley

Good job buster. You should go to Hollywood.

(Marcus does not answer. Carley sees sweat beads on his forehead and his eyes rolling side to side. Then while on the ground, his legs start to shake.

Carley (cont)

What’s happening?

(Marcus twists.)

Carley (cont)

Marcus, talk to me!

(She gets on her knees beside him)

Carley (cont)

What can I do?

(He does not respond. She puts her arms around him to control his thrashing)

Carley (cont)

This is all I can think of. I don’t know what to do.

(After a couple of minutes he quiets down.)

Marcus

I have a severe piercing headache. I did not bring my medication

(Carley then clinches his head in her hands and holds them tight.)

Marcus (cont)

OOOh. Yes! Continue to press hard. That helps.

Carley

I will.

Marcus

Without my aspirin with codeine, these can last for hours.

Carley

Just relax. We will sit it out.

Marcus,

I see double. I don’t know what to do. It’s probably the high altitude that brought it on.

(They are there on soft pine needles. She is holding his head. Occasionally releasing them and shaking her fingers. This continues for 20 minutes.)

Marcus (cont)

Oh, thank you, thank you.

(He repeats this every minute or so. Then, two men appear on the trail with walking sticks.)

Carley

(Shouts out to them) Can you help us? Please.

(they come over to them)

Carley

He has a severe migraine.

Marcus

(without looking at them) Do you have any Advile or Asprin?

(One of the men pulls out a bottle of Advile and hands it to him. But Carley takes it, opens it takes 2 of them. She hold up Marcus’s head with her water bottle in the other hand.)

Carley

Here. Take these.

(Marcus takes them)

Marcus

May I keep the whole bottle.

Hiker

Sure. Good luck

(The 2 strangers go on their way.)

Marcus

Give me some more.

(Marcus takes 4 more. And then lays back)

(Carley strokes his hair. 20 minutes pass)

Marcus

It is starting to work. In another 30 minutes, I will take more.

(Feeling much less pain, but still keeps his eyes closed.)

Marcus

Carley, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I put you through this. I should have told you.

Carley

It’s ok. It’s ok. What should you have told me.

Marcus

I get these migraines. But I have medication that keeps them under control. I haven’t had one for months. I was so excited about this trip that I forgot to bring the pills.

(Pause)

Marcus (cont)

You were an angel to me.

Carley

I am glad I was here to help you.

(Pause)

Carley (cont)

When you went down, I thought you were dying. I panicked. I did not know what to do. Then a calmness came over me and I felt a prompting to just hold you.

Marcus

Ah, that was just wonderful. And putting my head in your vice grip fingers really did the trick.

(pause)

Marcus

I am so sorry I put you through this.

Carley

No, it was good. I care for you with all my heart.

(she leans down and kisses him)

End of Scene

[Shelley darling]

Hello William-

Circumstances prevailed that I couldn’t finish the course till now.

First of all, congratulations on finishing!

A great background for your scene with both of your characters. The Max Interest Techniques of suspense, Intrigue, and Dilemma were good, and I might suggest you incorporate some of the others and a bit stronger dialogue exchanges to elevate your scene.

What if Marcus had actually fell off the cliff? What if his Migraines were that he had a tumor? What if the two hikers who found them were corporate, and they weren’t supposed to be dating at all-company rules?

That might give you a lead to a cliffhanger…

Best of luck in all your screenplay endeavors!

Shelley

[Bill]

Thanks Shelley,

I know it is a year later, but I am just now getting back to screenwriting. I think you were the only one commenting on any of my lessons.

William

[Shelley darling]

LOGLINE: Discovering Carley is leaving town, Marcus is caught in a riptide of emotions knowing he needs to deliver her the cease and desist order.

ESSENCE: Finally trusting Marcus’s love, Carley’s nightmarish betrayal couldn’t get worse.

SCENE: EXT. CEMETERY PARKING LOT – DAY

In the parking lot of the Forest Inn, Carley, (34) dressed in teal blazer and pressed black linen skirt, and a luggage filled car is getting out, when Marcus, (44) in his casual ‘cowboy’ attire of boots, levis, and flannel shirt drives up and lets Pepper out of the back of his beat up truck.

MARCUS

Hey Babe – What’s up with the formal look?

You going somewhere? I thought we were heading over to the lake.

CARLEY

Sorry, I didn’t let you know. I really wanted to spend the day with you, but something came up, and I’ve got to go back to Boston to be with the family.

MARCUS

Wait, running away again?

What about your mission with the ghosts, dream girl?

CARLEY

(reaching for kiss)

Gotta go, my dad’s insisting. You know plans change, sweetie.

MARCUS

(grabs her into his arms)

Hey, just yesterday we had a plan and now you’re backing out on me?

I need an hour-you have to stay here with me.

CARLEY

Look cowboy, you’re not my boss.

MARCUS

Sorry for being overbearing.

Besides, you can’t leave our dog, Pepper hanging. You two just met.

CARLEY

I only booked my room for the week.

MARCUS

You said you didn’t have a home anymore.

When are you coming back?

CARLEY

(laughing)

I don’t know.

Why? Do you think we have a future together?

MARCUS

You know you need to focus and get on with your investigations.

CARLEY

Investigations? Hmm, I never used that word.

MARCUS

(Catching himself)

Oh, yes, right? Error in your favor.

CARLEY

Hey, I’ve got something to show you,

I discovered at the cemetery. Let’s walk over.

MARCUS

Hold on. I gotta grab something from the truck first.

CARLEY

What’s up?

MARCUS

(slyly grabs envelope from dash)

Hold on.

CARLEY

(coyly)

Is that something for me?

MARCUS

(Places envelope in his jacket)

Stop being so snoopy. C’mon here.

(Scoops her up-kisses her)

Marcus, with his arm around Carley walks toward the Cemetery.

CARLEY

Do you know anything about the Confederate soldier Robert Cheever?

MARCUS

Heard he was a wild romantic, came up here to sweep up one of those New England rich girls..

CARLEY

Funny-great storyteller you are.

Why would a Confederate soldier be buried in a Maine resort family cemetery?

MARCUS

(a bit nervous)

What are you getting at? That’s it!

You’re after the treasure, too?

CARLEY

No, it’s just that I met this aged,

a satiated drunk guy dressed in a tattered Confederate jacket and he told me that…

MARCUS

(Grumbles)

Stop… enough!

Your ongoing distractions are killing me.

CARLEY

Whoa, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Didn’t Pep bring you your coffee?

MARCUS

Why are you really here?

Dreams. Now the treasure and water?

Let’s get to the point.

The word is that you have been digging up dirt surrounding the water corp?

CARLEY

Wait, a minute. I said nothing about the water.

What are you getting at?

MARCUS

Well, Why are you REALLY here and where are you going off so fast?

CARLEY

Somethings off here, love.

I really thought this time; you were someone I could trust.

Caught in a riptide of emotions of confusion and anger, Marcus jumps up on the Confederate Soldiers’ gravestone as the envelope with Cease and Desist drops out of his pocket.

Carley stretches to pick up the envelope and opens it.

CARLEY

What the hell is this? I’m so pissed at myself for believing in you.

I should have known better.

MARCUS

It seems like you have been playing me too?

CARLEY

(Slams her foot down)

Me playing you?

You’re the delivery boy for a business you don’t even want to be a part of, and you’ve chosen that instead of us!

MARCUS

Oh, you who walk around distracted in rose-colored glasses.

I’ve been trying to protect you!

CARLEY

How is delivering a cease and desist protecting me?

I’m not your china doll!

MARCUS

Those fuckers. They pushed me into it.

CARLEY

That’s it. I’m out here, I’m done!

MARCUS

Go then. It’ll be written on your gravestone… she ran away.

Just like your father.

CARLEY

(walking away at a fast pace-yelling)

Fuck you! Maybe in the past, I did.

At least I’m not running away from myself anymore.

MARCUS

Carley, I’m sorry-really I am.

I…I…

CARLEY

Love me? Is that what you wanted to say?

Or is this another one of your self-created stories that sex is better after a fight?

Carley rips and throws the Cease and Desist on the ground.

MARCUS

I know I haven’t been trustworthy-I’ll make it up to you.

and. sex sounds like a great idea.

Marcus picks up Carley and lays her on the Confederate soldier’s gravestone, passionately lifting her skirt, noting she has no underwear on.

CARLEY

mmm..

Marcus-Marcus, did you hear that? The rustling in the bushes? I think someones there-

MARCUS

Stay focused on the feeling, babe… this is how you like it isn’t it?

Tell me how you like it…

Shocking Marcus, Nancy, his past swinging partner, and Pete, his nemesis at the corporation, jump out from behind the bushes. Coveting Carley with his body he combs his growing beard with his hand.

MARCUS

What the hell?

NANCY

Markie-I did not know you were so creative!

Imagine that, using the cemetery for our swinging date.

PETE

(smirking)

You had one job to do- (bending over hilariously laughing)

yup, caught a red-handed, -a true sucker.

[Bill]

Module 5 – Lesson 2: High Speed Writing
William Southwell’s High Speed Writing Rules
MY VISION: I am going to tell an uplifting story that will transform lives.
What I have learned from this lesson is: It is true: I can write much faster when I am not concerned about details. The skill I need to develop is: Generate action to fit the dialogue from her diary. When dating Jay, she expresses her conflict of wanting to control. This is in line with the profound journey which must dominate each scene.

EXT. HOME. FRONT PORDH. NIGHT.
Jay went to Charis’s MIA and took her home. Jay is maybe 3 years older. He is in the Navy stationed nearby and Charis is 17. (This makes a difference to understand Charis’s diary.) They both date others. Jay and others from the base attend church to meet girls.

CHARIS

Thank you for taking me to see that movie. I do like Barbara Stanwick.

JAY

It was my pleasure. I enjoy your company.

CHARIS

I must go in now. I am sure Mom is waiting up for me.

Charis gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Good night. Please call me.

Charis goes inside.

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Charis sitting up in bed writing in her journal

CHARIS (VO)
Jay would probably be shocked if he knew what I have in mind. I would like to capture him for my own. We love the same things and I love him, simple as that, I do.
Charis stops and hold up her pen while she thinks
CHARIS (VO)
Of course it’s only the first stage of love, (butterflies and silver bells) but it could be more so easily. I’ve never been so – well this way about a boy (Man!) Just being with him I feel beautiful and happy. He has shown very little romantic inclination, in other words he isn’t fresh, like Russ. . . .
Charis pauses, then continues with determination in her voice.
CHARIS (VO)
In Jay I see my ideal of what I would want my husband to be. I think I would give up anything for him. I’m very serious in this. Always before I have been so selfish, but now I feel so different. I pray (and how) about it often. I know God will guide me. I wonder if he will ask me out when he gets back. I hope so…