Lesson 28: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 6

[Jeremy Cooke]

LOGLINE: A computer quietly reroutes a spaceship, containing an estranged husband and wife, on a one-way trip into the unknown.

ESSENCE: Confronted with the big stuff we’ve more in common than not.

INT. SPACECRAFT

MARCUS

So…that’s on my…mark!

CARLEY

Away buoys one…two…three…and four.

MARCUS

Confirm away four. So that’s that for now. Now do you want to tell me what the hell you’re doing on my mission.

CARLEY

Your mission? Your mission my giddy aunt.

MARCUS

I’m the Captain of this vessel and I want to know what the hell my ex-wife is doing onboard. Where’s Gerry? And what the hell did we just drop overboard?

CARLEY

And that answers both questions nicely. Gerry’s not here because he apparently didn’t fit the mission profile, and you’re here because I needed someone I could

MARCUS

What mission? To drop off some deep-space buoys? Hardly

CARLEY

Not your average buoys more…never mind. We’re done here. Take me home please.

MARCUS

Take you home. That’s the first good news I’ve heard on this trip. Boosters…engage fifteen seconds…fire on my mark…One, two, three…mark!

We see a computer VDU setting booster timing from fifteen to forty-eight seconds.

CARLEY

Engaged…and firing fifteen…ten…five…cut

MARCUS

Cut! Cut! I knew I could rely on what the hell do

CARLEY

It won’t respond! I’m

MARCUS

Cut the bloody booster. Let me at it

CARLEY

I can’t! They’re still firing! They’ve stopped

MARCUS

What have you done?

CARLEY

They wouldn’t respond I…forty-eight seconds. What the

MARCUS

(on radio)

Hello Deep One-six, deep one-six

Throws radio to desk.

MARCUS

No response. Nada. I’m not carrying the can for this.

(looks at navigation desk)

Deep space. Look at our heading.

CARLEY

Christ we’re traveling like a bat out of hell into

MARCUS

Nothing…there’s nothing

CARLEY

I’m not so sure. There seems to be ahhh a gravitational anomaly out there.

MARCUS

There’s nothing out there

Looks at scan

MARCUS (cont’d)

or…my bad…there shouldn’t be. We’ve got to correct our course. Now!

CURLY

Another fourteen seconds should spin us around and get us heading back

MARCUS

Boosters…on my one, two, three…mark!

We see the Computer screen overriding the command.

CARLEY

Fired…no they’re not firing I can’t

MARCUS

Christ. Let me! Mark! Nothing…it’s like it’s not wired up. I don’t

CARLEY

I gave you the chance to be the best and you don’t even check this shit before

MARCUS

Of course we bloody check it. Booster control is fail-safe It can’t

CARLEY

Well apparently it can.

MARCUS

It only went wrong when you came on board. What’s going on here. What’s

CARLEY

Do you think I’d sabotage your bloody boosters and then get on this shit-heap! Are you

MARCUS

What happened to Gerry? One minute he’s on the manifesto and next

CARLEY

Never mind all that. How are you going to get us back Captain?

MARCUS

The computer isn’t responding to any off my commands. It’s like

CARLEY

We’re getting pulled by a local gravity field towards something. But it’s

MARCUS

A Black Hole, a star? There’s nothing

CARLEY

That’s what puzzles me. If it was a gravity source we’d be accelerating towards it.

MARCUS

Don’t be silly we

CARLEY

Look at the Nav screen. We’re moving fast but not accelerating.

MARCUS

Right command decision here. Abandon ship!

CARLEY

I agree.

Marcus enters the lifeboat

The Computer screen disables the lifeboat controls.

MARCUS

You agree! For once in your bloody life would…the lifeboat panel’s not responding.

CARLEY

For what?

MARCUS

The lifeboat…the control panel is dead! It must be the bloody computer. It’s like it’s

CARLEY

So what do we do now?

Marcus re-enters the main cockpit.

MARCUS

Well we can either wait for rescue…but we haven’t been able to send a distress signal or

CARLEY

Or?

MARCUS

Normally we’d hop in the lifeboat and tell it to take us home.

CARLEY

Tell me there’s another “or”.

MARCUS

Or…well…we could…vent the onboard oxygen cylinders. They’re manually operated so the computer isn’t

CARLEY

Like boosters?

MARCUS

Exactly

CARLEY

Good call…but how much oxygen would that leave us with?

MARCUS

None in the cabin but we can use the lifeboats onboard supply in here and we’ll have plenty to get us back. So

Computer screen shows vent lifeboat command

Marcus hammers the controls

MARCUS

No! No! It’s venting

CARLEY

What?

MARCUS

The lifeboat! No! Stop! It’s all gone. The computer vented the lot overboard.

Carley slumps down to the floor and leans against a wall.

CARLEY

What about the cabin?

MARCUS

No. All regular here. But the lifeboat’s useless to us now and we can’t use the main oxygen supply to act as a booster. Look

CARLEY

What?

MARCUS

The computer log. It’s done this deliberately every step of the way. There it overrode your booster command, and here it vented the lifeboat oxygen. It’s like it wants us to go to that…anomaly.

CARLEY

Don’t be

Marcus slumps on to the floor beside Carley. He puts his arm around her.

MARCUS

So why was Gerry swapped out…for a routine buoy survey

CARLEY

I don’t…because he’s married. I didn’t want

MARCUS

Lucky Gerry. And why is a shit-hot deep-space astrobiologist put on board instead?

CARLEY

We’re slowing down.

MARCUS

Don’t be silly. Look we’re not firing any retro-boosters.

CARLEY

Well if we’re not slowing ourselves down then

(nods towards anomaly)

that is.

Marcus gives Carley a peck on the cheek.

MARCUS

Is it too late to say I’m sorry for being such a grouch?

CARLEY

Do you do that to all your crew-mates?

MARCUS

Not so much with Gerry.

[Alfred Dunham]

Good concept; love the ending, would like to know more about what happens next – and before – but this is presumed to be just one scene out of 40+. The MITs are there, so the only thing left is the dialogue structure. I find it kinda rough. I like seeing incomplete sentences here and there because that’s how we speak, but too many can become a cliche. I’d like to see a better balance with smoother transitions. That’s not much to critique, but I thought I’d just mention it.

[Beth Zurkowski]

I like this scene. You did a very good job.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Cycle 6 – Final Draft

LOGLINE: An immigrant woman is in serious danger, but an aging physician is hellbent on freeing her from her fate worse than death, putting his own life on the line.

ESSENCE: Through selflessness, Marcus proves his love for Carley.

SCENE:

INT. THE BEACHFRONT CAFÉ – DAY

The front door is still locked and posted – still closed, one week later.

MARCUS DUNN, M.D., (68) is a semi-retired surgeon who lost his wife to cancer. Now, all the things they planned for… gone. She’s dead, and he’s at war with himself for all the things put off for his career. Now, maybe he can have a second chance to get it right.

CARLEY REGIS [her American name], (49), entered into a sham marriage arrangement to get to America with her daughter, but now she’s stuck — and both are in even more serious danger.

SARAH REGIS, (18), is Carley’s daughter, who desperately wants to go to Law School but cannot find the funding or the time. As her mother, she’s illegal. Not understanding the situation, she’s been hard on Carley.

IAN (BUBBA) MACK, (55), is Carley’s boss and sham husband. He is in prison for stabbing Marcus.

Carley and Marcus sit in one of the café’s booths and argue; both of their worlds are in consummate disarray. Marcus is determined to fix them, but Carley has her doubts and does not want to see him hurt.

CARLEY

No, Marcus. I got myself into this mess and I’ll deal with it. I’m not going to drag you down too. I can do this.

MARCUS

Damn it, Carley, what about Sarah. I’m an old man – I’m expendable —

CARLEY

(shouting)

No, you’re not. –

MARCUS

You’ve made it this far; what is Bubba hiding in that backroom that you’re so afraid of?

CARLEY

I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. He said if ever went in there, Sarah would be dead.

Carley puts a hand over her forehead and seems to swoon.

MARCUS

Are you okay?

There’s a knock at the café door.

SARAH

I’ll get it.

Sarah rushes to the door and swings it open —

ELIAS KROGER, (43), is Ian’s attorney. He’s returned.

SARAH

Are you Mister Kroger?

ELIAS

I am.

SARAH

I’m Sarah, Carley’s daughter. My mom and Doctor Dunn are both down here —

She motions and leads Mister Kroger to the café booth occupied by Marcus and Carley.

Carley scoots over to make room for Mister Kroger.

Mister Kroger slides in with his familiar satchel —

MISTER KROGER

How are you doing, Doctor?

MARCUS

Better. Just happy to be alive. A stabbing is no fun.

MISTER KROGER

Well, good news and bad. Ian still refuses your generous offer.

MARCUS

Why? That doesn’t make sense. He’d be free again if he’d just take some anger management classes and let Carley share in the business.

MISTER KROGER

No, it doesn’t. He’s facing twenty-five years for what he did.

MARCUS

And he still wants this place shut down?

MISTER KROGER

Seems so… And he wants Carley out of here.

MARCUS

Why is this place so sacred to him?

MISTER KROGER

That’s the puzzle. Maybe something outside prison is more scarry to him than anything inside.

MARCUS

Interesting. There’s something I want you to see – then, you decide —

(to Sarah)

Can you show Mister Kroger that bolted down the backroom door?

SARAH

Certainly.

CARLEY

Sarah, no. Don’t you go near that place.

Ignoring her mother’s pleas, Sarah leads Mister Kroger away from the dining area.

LATER

Mister Kroger and Sarah return.

MISTER KROGER

That’s bizarre.

MARCUS

It certainly is. He has Carley terrified of even going near it. She’d do almost anything to keep us away if she could.

Mister Kroger looks at Carley, but she looks away, stifling the urge to cry – Puts on her determined, tough-girl face instead.

MARCUS

See? It’s how he continues to control her.

SARAH

This is creepy. I didn’t know, Mom. I’m sorry I sided with Bubba.

CARLEY

It’s okay – as long as you’re safe.

MARCUS

Is she Carley? What’s he hiding in there? What’s he up to?

MISTER KROGER

Ian no longer legally owns this place, Marcus. The bank has already foreclosed on him —

MARCUS

And they’re looking for a buyer?

MISTER KROGER

Probably. I’ll look into that and try to get permission to open that room.

MARCUS

I have a better idea. I need a phone.

Sarah brings Marcus a phone.

Marcus dials —

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

This is Doctor Marcus Dunn —

BANK RECEPTION

Hi, Marcus. What can we do for you?

MARCUS

I’d like to speak to someone about The Beachfront Café account.

BANK RECEPTION

One moment while I connect you with Mister Black.

(pause)

MISTER BLACK

Hi, Doc. In what way are you interested in that derelict café?

MARCUS

I’d like to acquire the property.

MISTER BLACK

What on earth for? Are you sure about this?

MARCUS

I have my reasons. Can I assume the loan, or —

MISTER BLACK

We’d prefer a purchase.

MARCUS

Even better. Just transfer the funds from my holdings.

MISTER BLACK

Done.

MARCUS

I’ll be in to sign the papers in an hour or two.

MISTER BLACK

Good. See you then.

END OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

(to Mister Kroger)

Get the F-B-I down here, and open that room.

MISTER KROGER

With pleasure.

CARLEY

No. Please don’t do this.

MARCUS

I’m sorry, Carley, but it needs to be done. Bubba’s gone too far.

LATER

Marcus has returned from the bank with papers in hand, along with Mister Kroger and two F-B-I agents.

BACKROOM HALLWAY

MARCUS

The room’s door is a madman’s idea of security.

(to the lead F-B-I agent.

I own this place now, so break the damned door down.

The F-B-I agents make short work of breaking the door down.

The room is empty. Nothing. A cursory search reveals no clues.

F-B-I AGENT

We’ll get an inspection team down here immediately. This is just an obvious distraction. Whatever he’s hiding has got to be big, and trust me, it’s here.

MARCUS

Are you familiar with Poe’s, The Purloined Letter?

F-B-I AGENT

(laughs)

We’re probably looking right at it. It’s here. Count on it.

Everyone returns to the —

DINING AREA

The F-B-I agents leave.

MISTER KROGER

There is also some good news, remember.

MARCUS

Like what –?

MISTER KROGER

Ian’s sham marriage to Carley has been annulled. That part was easy. The judge was disgusted by it.

Carley’s tears flow freely —

MARCUS

Carley? Will you –?

CARLEY

(interrupting)

Of course, I will. I love you more than ever. I’m sorry for having ever doubting you.

Marcus and Carley almost violently embrace each other and kiss.

Sarah cries, too, with laughter.

MISTER KROGER

If the F-B-I finds what I think they will, I’m sure Immigration will drop this whole matter.

Carley hugs Mister Kroger.

CARLEY

Thank you, Elias.

Mister Kroger seems dumbfounded – smiles.

MISTER KROGER

I’m going to leave the rest of this in the capable hands of the investigation team. They will contact us when they’re ready.

Mister Kroeger leaves.

Marcus and Carley return to hugs and kisses, and Sarah wraps her arms around them.

Marcus manages to get an arm around Sarah –

MARCUS

And now I have a daughter, too. We’ll all get through this, somehow.

End of Scene

SITUATION: Person A and Person B are fighting until they realize they were meant to be together.

SCENE ARC: From two people fighting to them kissing.

CARLEY

Traits: Tough, Caring, Polite, Distracting / Evasive

Subtext: Carley is evasive when cornered and often distracts to avoid a trap.

MARCUS

Traits: Strategic [= tactical, calculated, premeditated, considered, intentional], Commanding, Imaginative, Apologetic

Subtext: Marcus is a strategic guy who likes setting people up to lose.

[Beth Zurkowski]

You did an exceptional job with this scene.

[Beth Zurkowski]

Logline: Marcus fight about death then kiss.

Essense:Never give up on who you care about.

INT. MOUNTAIN CAVE -NIGHT

MARCUS (30) red-head with freckles tall and muscular and CARLEY (25) blond with average height and skinney but muscular are plundering artifacts and books. They are using flash lights to see and have camped in a tent indoors. Marcus hears a voice coming from a floating orb.

MARCUS

The orb is mine.

He wraps his arms around it.

ORB

Let me out!

Only Marcus can hear the voice.

MARCUS

Did you hear that, Carley?

CARLEY

No, I don’t hear anything.

ORB

Let me out!

MARCUS

That…did you hear that?

CARLEY

No, are you okay?

MARCUS

Yes, I’m fine.

Marcus stabs the orb to get out what’s inside.

CARLEY

What’s gotten into you, Marcus?

ORB

Let me out!

A huge head of a woman sticks her head out of the Orb and she grows 20 feet. Which causes a bookcase of heavy tomes to fall on Carley’s head killing him instantly.

MARCUS

Who the fuck are you? You just killed my friend, Carley.

NECROMANCER

I’m Areen. You freed me from my doom. I will let you have my power to bring to life or to death as you see fit.

MARCUS

I want to bring back Carley.

NECROMANCER

As you wish, then I must go. Just touch his body and he will come back to life. Just know he will not be the same.

Marcus went to Carley’s body and with his touch he came awake.

CARLEY

What happened?

Necromancer left the cave leaving a gaping hole in the side of the mountain.

MARCUS

You where dead, now you are alive.

CARLEY

And who was that?

MARCUS

A large woman who gave me powers to kill or bring back to life.

CARLEY

Did you give me powers as well?

MARCUS

I don’t know. What can you do?

CARLEY

I can lift this book case which must weigh a ton.

Carley flips the bookcase off himself.

CARLEY

But it was better to be dead. I was in paradise, thank you very much.

MARCUS

I need you here to help plunder–

CARLEY

Please. Couldn’t you find someone else?

Carley pulled brain and bone out of his hair.

MARCUS

Sorry, no. You are tough and hardy.

CARLEY

I’m probably not 100% myself. Kill me please.

MARCUS

Sorry, no. And that’s the end.

CARLEY

But you don’t know if I will kill you.

Carley wandered away. But he felt a command pull from Marcus and had to stay in range of him to get some of his powers absorbed into his body.

CARLEY

What are you doing to me?

MARCUS

What do you mean?

CARLEY

I have to stay close to you otherwise I feel weak.

MARCUS

I thought I had the imagination not you.

CARLEY

I’m not making it up. It’s true. If I move away from you I get weak. I care about you but this is crazy.

MARCUS

Sorry? You care about me?

CARLEY

Yes, I love you.

Marcus comes closer to Carley and kisses him on the lips.

MARCUS

I just thought that was my imagination.

They kiss longer this time.

[Jo Nickel]

Lessons 26, 27, 28

LOGLINE: Marcus and Carley fight continuously until they kill a drunkard who is a wanted criminal with a price on his head.

ESSENCE: Accidents can bring unexpected rewards.

SCENE:

INT. CANYON CREEK BAR & Grill – DAY

Carley Harmon (40) thin, blonde, in leather knee boots and off-the-shoulder print empire waist dress, sits alone at the bar. She swallows her whiskey on the rocks and orders another.

BARTENDER: That’s your third, lady. If you drink any more I will insist on taking your car keys.

CARLEY: You have nothing to worry about, Sir. I’m jist getting started. Seven drinks and seven cigarettes and I’ll be ready to face the rest of the day. I release you from all responsibility.

A tall, handsome man (45) in an expensive business suit strides confidently from the men’s room and takes a seat at the bar, leaving two stools between himself and the lady. He looks her way.

MARCUS: I’m Marcus Kavanaugh.

Marcus extends his hand. Carley ignores it. Marcus is puzzled.

MARCUS (cont.) Not in a friendly mood today, huh. (to the bartender) Whiskey sour and one for the lady, whatever she’s drinking.

CARLEY: I pay for my own, thank you. I don’t take anything from losers that think they are God’s gift to womankind.

MARCUS: You don’t know me.

CARLEY: I know you, alright.

Carley turns to face him. She looks him up and down. He shifts as his comfort level diminishes.

CARLEY (cont.) You hate your job in the city that pays you under $100,000 a year, barely enough to make ends meet, so your stay-at-home wife had to take on a menial job which she resents. Your two ugly children are brats since there’s no one home to teach or discipline them. They resent you not being home when you go to places like this one, remove your wedding ring and pretend you’re single and twenty years old again. You hustle women with no taste or upbringing, you have a one night stand, fly home on the company dollar and swear upon the Bible to your wife you haven’t been unfaithful to your wedding vows. She knows different, but she is stuck with your lying ass…

MARCUS: Fuck you.

CARLEY: Ah,ha! The loser’s reliable shocker word to impress women with your manliness and lack of vocabulary neither of which will magically get you ahead in life.

Marcus downs his drink and starts to leave.

MARCUS: Who the fuck do you think you are?

CARLEY : Make no mistake, Sir. I know exactly who I am. I destroy losers like you.

Marcus leaves, angry.

Carley puts out her cigarette and collects her shrug and purse to leave.

CARLEY (to the bartender) Well, that was easy. Have a good day!

A WEEK LATER…

INT/EXT. CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL – NIGHT

A country/western band plays. A crowded dance floor. Cowboys line up with their backs to the bar, drinking and looking for just the right good looking gal to ask to dance. Carley elbowsher way through the cowboys to the bar. One cowboy offers her his stool. She declines and stands watching until her drink comes. She downs it and orders another. She sees her mark, marches and elbows her way onto the dance floor. Carley taps the shoulder of the woman who is dancing with her father’s ranch hand.

CARLEY: Pardon me, I’m cuttin’ in. Scram, bitch.

The gal (20’s) dressed in Wranglers, Ariats, a tight men’s under shirt, laughs each time her dance partner twirls her then wraps his arms around her in perfect time with the music.

ASHLEY: Ty is my boyfriend and I’m going home with him.

CARLEY: Like hell you are. He lives in a bunkhouse.

ASHLEY: Get lost. You’re drunk.

CARLEY: Lady, I’m just getting’ started.

Carley doubles her fist and hits Ashley square in the jaw. She falls to the floor, unbelieving. She gets up only to take another of Carley’s blows to her face. This time she gets up and smacks Carley back.

CARLEY: Is that all you’ve got?

The cowboys laugh, jeer, cheer and place bets. Carley hist Ashley again. She falls backward against a cowboy who pushes her back Carley’s way. Ashley stumbles into a cowboy who shoves her into another cowboy, antagonizing him. The two cowboys throw punches at one another. Then the whole establishment bursts into a bar fight.

The big, black bouncer takes both Carley and Ashley by the arm and drags them outdoors, screaming insults at one another. The local police arrive with sirens and flashing lights. An officer approaches as people flee out the door wiping bloody noses and lips to avoid arrest.

OFFICER: These two the culprits?

BOUNCER: Yes Sir. This one (gesturing toward Carley) started it. She’s a tiger, that one is.

OFFICER: (to Carley) Turn around.

He cuffs her.

OFFICER: If you can’t afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you…

CARLEY: Ya, ya, ya. Let’s get this shit over with, Sir.

INT./EXT. VALLEY COUNTY JAIL – DAY

Carley sits on a bench in a cell occupied by one other gal. She’s bruised, cut, battered. She moans as she sits up.

CARLEY: I’m Carley.

GIRL: I’m Jessica. A man do that to ya?

CARLEY: Nope. Bar fight. He do that to you? Looks like it hurts.

JESSICA: Ya. He was so sorry…again. I cut him in self-defense. I’m here and he’s out flirtin’ with other women. What you charged with?

CARLEY: Aggravated assault. I beat the shit out of her. Pardon my French.

An officer unlocks the cage.

OFFICER: Miss Harmon, you’re being released.

CARLEY: I made bail? About time my attorney got around to it.

OFFICER: It wasn’t your attorney, Ma’am.

CARLEY: Who then?

OFFICER: Mr. Anonymous.

Carley steps outside the jail and looks around for a familiar vehicle. A shiny black SUV pulls p.

The passenger window rolls down.

MARCUS: Need a ride?

CARLEY: Thank you.

Carley climbs in, closes the door. She looks at the driver. Doesn’t recognize him.

CARLEY (cont.) Got a cigarette?

Marcus gives her a cigarette from a pack in the console. He lights it for her. Then he hands her his whiskey flask. She takes a swig, takes a draw from her cigarette. Lays her head back, closes her eyes.

CARLEY (cont.) Y-o-u! I ain’t ridin’ with you!

She gets out of the car.

MARCUS: This is ridiculous. Get back in the car. Nobody hitches a ride in this area. It’s too dangerous.

CARLEY: And you could be a mass murderer for all I know. You just sit out in the parking lot to pick up needy female prisoners? Talk about desperate! Or crazy. Or both.

Carley takes off on a fast walk. Marcus drives next to her, honking traffic passing him by.

MARCUS: Come on, Carley. You’re making me conspicuous. I’m paranoid that one of these vicious drivers is going to smash into my car. It’s new.

CARLEY: I thought I smelt something odd.

MARCUS: I promise I won’t accost you in daylight. We can go get a drink and continue this fight there. Look at you. You look like hell. Your hair is matted, you have dried blood all over your bruised face, your dress is torn. Get in before you are picked up for homelessness or vagary.

CARLEY: You so much as touch me and I’ll scream. I’ll sue you, then kidnap and torture your entire family.

Marcus takes her threats to mean she needs him.

MARCUS: Deal. I took the liberty of buying you a new dress. That one is ready for the burn pile.

INT.CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL – DAY

Carley emerges from the ladies room with wet hair, clean face, no makeup. She’s wearing the new dress Marcus bought for her with the store tags dangling. There is a whiskey on the rocks waiting at her place at the bar. She sits and downs half of it. Marcus selects tunes on the jukebox. He sits beside her at the bar.

MARCUS: Hungry?

CARLEY: Famished.

MARCUS: Bartender, fix our gal here a big juicy cheeseburger.

BARTENDER: Fries with that?

CARLEY: No thank you. But make sure the ground beef is from an Angus.

MARCUS: You have to be kidding me…

CARLEY: I am serious. My daddy raises Angus. I eat only Angus burgers.

The jukebox goes silent.

CARLEY: (cont.) I can’t eat without music.

MARCUS gives her a handful of coins.

MARCUS: Play what you want.

CARLEY: Thanks. Why are you being so nice? I smell a hidden motive here.

MARCUS: Maybe. Maybe not.

Carley goes to the jukebox. Marcus follows.

MARCUS (cont. )Let me take care of those store tags.

He leans down and jerks the tags. The drunk asleep in the back booth wakes up. He goes to the bar.

DRUNK: Lookie here. A burger jist waitin’fer me. This is a real classy place.

Marcus turns around. Runs toward the bar.

MARCUS: That’s not yours. Put it down!

Carley rushes to the bar.

CARLEY: You damned, stinkin’, rotten, son of s whore! Tryin’ to eat my burger are ya!

DRUNK: Sorry ma’am. I am so hungry and it was jist sittin’ there…

CARLEY: Well maybe you should wear it.

Carley grabs the burger and squishes it into his jowled face. She laughs then she slugs the drunk. He falls off the bar stool taking the burger, plate, ketchup and pickles with him to the floor. The drunk gets up and takes a swing at Carley. She dodges his fist.

MARCUS: Now look what you started, you stupid son of a bitch!

Marcus punches the drunk. He falls backward. Goes down hard. A pool of blood oozes from his head.

CARLEY: I think you killed him!

MARCUS: I didn’t punch him that hard.

Carley kneels beside the drunk and feels his pulse.

CARLEY: Poor man, whoever he is. He’s deader than a doornail. What do we do? You just killed a man. Have you done this before:

MARCUS: Nope. He’s my first…Crap! I gotta think of a way out of this one. Shit!

Marcus paces.

MARCUS: (cont.) We gotta clean this mess up before anyone comes in. Hey, Bartender!

BARTENDER: Christ! What the hell did you do? He ain’t breathin’. I’ll clean the mess, but you got get this dead carcass out of here.

CARLEY: Sorry. Didn’t mean to. He hit his head on the floor. He hit hard. Oh God.

Marcus tosses his SUV keys to the Bartender

MARCUS: Let me borrow your Dodge 4 x 4? I’ll have it back by tomorrow morning.

BARTENDER: You still owe for a burger. Damn it, whatever you do you’d better be doin’ it cause people will be flockin’ in here pretty soon. I gotta tarp in the back room.

Marcus throws a $10 bill on the bar. He and the bartender roll the dead drunk in the tarp.

EXT./INT. CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL – BACK DOOR – DAY

Marcus and the bartender load the tarp wrapped body in the box of the Dodge. They place empty pallets on top.

BARTENDER: Better not try to move the truck till dark.

MARCUS: That’s what I was thinkin”.

BARTENDER: Got a place to get rid of him?

MARCUS: Yea. I know of a place. Never thought I’d need it.

CARLEY: (to Marcus) May I borrow your phone?

Marcus hands his phone to Carley. She steps out the front door for privacy.

Marcus sits at the bar, his head resting in his hands. He is morose.

Carley returns Marcus’s phone. His face questions hers.

CARLEY: I will need to see my psychiatrist tomorrow.

MARCUS: Me too.

EXT. NIOBRARA RIVER CANYON – NIGHT

The black Dodge pickup pulls off the rural county road. It drives a two-track road and parks parallel to the canyon bank. Marcus and Carley lower the tailgate. Together they pull out the tightly wrapped body. They drag it to the bank’s edge. Marcus gives it a shove and it disappears.

INT. DODGE PICKUP – NIGHT

Marcus under the wheel. Carley in the front passenger seat. She stares out her window.

CARLEY: Where are we?

MARCUS: It might be better if you don’t know.

CARLEY: True.

Several BEATS

MARCUS: May I ask the name of your psychiatrist?

CARLEY: You may not. That’s personal.

MARCUS: Just when we were getting along so swell.

CARLEY: You’re the one that ruined a perfectly good silence!

MARCUS: I’m sorry, Your Royal Highness!

Several BEATS

MARCUS (cont.) I see Dr. Jack Dodge in Broken Arrow.

CARLEY: So do I. So there. What’s the big “F” ing deal? He sees lots of people.

Several BEATS

CARLEY: You got a diagnosis?

MARCUS: Yes.

CARLEY: Well? Out with it.

MARCUS: You first.

CARLEY: Schizophrenia. Paranoid type.

MARCUS: You’r kidding, right? It can’t be.

CARLEY: If I say it, it is so. Ass hole.

Carley hits him. The vehicle swerves all over the road. Marcus regains control.

MARCUS: Damn it, woman. You could have killed us.

Marcus stops the truck.

CARLEY: And who in this world would care?

MARCUS: I would. And so would you. I’m schizophrenic also. Chronic undifferentiated type.

CARLEY: That explains a lot.

MARCUS: Yes. We’re both nuts.

Sirens and flashing lights flood the back window.

CARLEY: Shit, it’s the cops. Think they are real?

MARCUS: Funny.

Marcus steps on the accelerator. The speedometer reads 85. Carley looks out the back window. The police car disappeared in the country dust.

CARLEY: We’ve lost them.

MARCUS: Not for long.

EXT./INT. CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL, BACK DOOR – NIGHT

Marcus pulls the Dodge up to the back door. Parks it in its usual parking place. He and Carley enter the back door. They wait for the bartender. Carley takes note of the filth.

CARLEY: Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t eat my Angus burger.

The bartender rushes in. He and Marcus exchange keys.

BARTENDER: Law enforcement is looking for you.

CARLEY: Ya. We noticed.

MARCUS: Any idea what they want?

BARTENDER: Nope.

MARCUS: Well, we might as well wait for them at a booth. It will be worse if we try to outrun them.

INT. CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL, BOOTH – NIGHT

Western MUSIC plays loud from the jukebox. People dancing, drinking, eating. We see two FBI agents talking to Marcus and Carley. Marcus draws them a map on a bar napkin. The cops shake hands with Marcus and Carley and leave.

LATER…

Carley is asleep, curled up on the booth seat covered with Marcus’s suit coat. Seated across from her Marcus plays solitaire with a well-worn deck of house cards. Two agents in FBI attire enter and go up to the bar. They speak briefly to the bartender then stand beside Marcus at the booth. Marcus tenderly wakes Carley. She sits up but is still half-asleep. He slides in next to her, the agents take the seat across from them.

AGENT #1: We retrieved the body.

AGENT#2. It’s him alright.

MARCUS: It’s who?

AGENT#2: Gunther Hammond. He’s been on our most wanted list for three years.

CARLEY: What did the low life do?

AGENT#1: Serial killer. He likes young boys.

MARCUS: Jesus! We had no idea…

AGENT#1: How did you manage to kill him?

CARLEY: That’s a long story, Sir.

AGENT#2: Well, you saved us a lot of expense and manpower to bring him in.

AGENT#1: The Feds in Washington are beholden to you. You will be receiving a letter of commendation.

AGENT#2: There is a crime stoppers reward on Hammond, dead or alive. You will be receiving a check for $50,000.

The agents shake hands with Marcus and Carley before leaving.

BEAT

Marcus and Carley are all smiles.

MARCUS: Unbelievable! We were quite a team. Maybe we should set up our own PI business.

CARLEY: I have a better idea.

Carley initiates a long, passionate kiss.

MARCUS: What say you, let’s get out of this place.

EXT. CANYON CREEK BAR & GRILL – DAWN

Arm in arm Marcus and Carley step out the front door. A gunshot, then another, whiz past them, ricochet off the building over their heads. They duck.

CARLEY: Were those meant for us?

[Brenda Boddy]

LOGLINE: Carley believes Marcus is a nerdy accountant until they are ambushed by thugs, and he proves to be an accomplished marksman.

Essence: Things aren’t what they seem.

INT. CAR – DAY

MARCUS (34), the definition of a nerdy accountant, drives the car, glancing in the mirror at a black sedan that is weaving its way up behind him and his passenger.

CARLEY (28) pulls lipstick from her purse.

CARLEY

There’s always an excuse. No one works as many hours as you do, unless they’re having an affair. At least be honest with me.

She flips down her visor mirror and applies lipstick. She doesn’t notice the sedan is right behind them now.

MARCUS

You know it’s tax time, honey. I don’t have time for an affair. All those extra hours are what’s paying the bills.

Carley flips up her visor. Marcus looks in his mirror again. He quickly takes a right at the next intersection.

Carley clutches her door handle.

CARLEY

Geez. Take it easy.–Other accountants seem to make it home each night. You’re lying to me.

Marcus glances in his mirror. The sedan is still behind them. He speeds up and takes a ramp onto the freeway. The sedan follows.

MARCUS

I’m sorry. I get it. I’ve been away a lot lately. I didn’t think you’d notice. You seem to be gone every night yourself.

CARLEY

None of that matters. I was trying to get your attention.–

Carley glances at his speedometer.

–Will you slow down?

MARCUS

Hang on.

The sedan rear ends them, sending their car swerving dangerously across several lanes, narrowly missing sideswiping another car. Marcus gets their car straightened out. He increases their speed.

Carley clutches the door handle, her eyes wide with fear.

CARLEY

Marcus just pull over. Get out of their way.

Marcus grimly increases speed, looking in his mirror.

CARLEY

Pull over. Let them pass.

The sedan pulls up even with them. Two hooded THUGS stare into their car.

MARCUS

Get your head down.

Carley, even more terrified, ducks as bullets shatter the windows. Marcus slams their car into the sedan, sending it sideways, before he crosses the grass divider and speeds down the highway going the wrong way against traffic.

CARLEY

Get of off the road, Marcus. Just get off the road.

The sedan follows, both cars weaving as oncoming traffic splits to the sides to avoid them.

The sedan pulls even with the car again and Marcus–

–PULLS A GUN, exchanging SHOTS with the sedan. The passenger slumps over.

CARLEY

(huddled down)

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Where did you get that gun? What is happening?

Marcus looks in the mirror, noting the sedan still following. A second SEDAN now stays parallel with them in the correct lane of travel.

Marcus swerves back over the grass meridian into the flow of traffic. Both sedans follow, trying to creep up on both sides. Marcus suddenly leaves the highway, flying up a ramp, screaming through an intersection and skids sharply around a corner.

Behind them, one of the black sedans is t-boned by a truck in the intersection. The second one keeps coming.

Marcus sends his car bouncing through a field toward an old barn. He hands his gun to Carley.

MARCUS

We’re fixing to be in a gunfight. Just point and shoot.

Marcus slides the car up next to the barn.

MARCUS

Inside. Move.

Marcus and Carley scramble from the car. Marcus grabs his briefcase from the back seat and they sprint into the barn.

INT. BARN – CONTINUOUS

Marcus slides to his knees, ripping the briefcase open and assembles a high tech rifle.

Carley stares.

CARLEY

Accountant, my ass.

She ducks frantically as several bullets hit the barn. She can see, through the slats of the barn, two men scrambling toward the barn. One breaks off and heads around back.

CARLEY

Here they come.

Carley shoots over the remaining thugs head.

CARLEY

I don’t know if I can shoot someone.

Marcus scrambles to his feet and runs to the door, sending a volley of shots toward the man out front, who returns a round of rifle fire. Marcus and Carley hit the ground, side by side.

Marcus crawls to Carley.

MARCUS

You’d better figure it out quick.

Marcus kisses Carley fiercely.

MARCUS

I’ll take the guy out back. I love you.

Marcus scrambles toward his feet and runs toward the back of the barn as the back door slams open. A thug dives in, rolling across the floor, shooting at Marcus.

Marcus is spun backward as a bullet hits his shoulder. He jumps forward again, sending a volley toward the intruder.

The second thug bursts through the front of the barn, gun blazing. Carley, standing quietly next to the door with her gun raised, fires a shot into his head.

Marcus starts toward her.

MARCUS

Good girl. I didn’t think you had it in you.

Carley’s eyes widen as the thug by the back door starts to rise.

Marcus shoots the thug again. Carley runs into his arms and they kiss.

MARCUS

Are you going to be okay?

Carley anxiously touches his shoulder.

CARLEY

I’ll be fine but we need to get you to a doctor. You’re bleeding pretty bad.

Marcus touches his shoulder and shrugs, smiling reassuringly at Carley.

CARLEY

I think it’s time to tell me who you really are.