Lesson 28: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 6

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Don’t hit me… I’m trying to help you get read.

So Hal says the reader has to want to keep reading, so things need to move at pace and keep their interest. Take a look at all your action. I know you know this, Screenplays are not novels. But when you’re tired the novelist in you just pours out. ALL action is in the present moment, not what happened before, or even recently. Even if it’s a flashback, the flashback is happening in the moment. The only time anything would have past tense and not ACTIVE present tense would be in dialgue when someone is telling a story (which we mostly avoid, except for really big grossing films like Lord of the Rings 😉 ) Don’t get me wrong, I have to reread my action to make sure I’m not doing the same thing. I believe you really need to fix this before submitting any screenplays.

You did such a great job with all of their traits, and I like that Marcus’ way of setting people up to lose is only in scrabble! That’s just terrific. Also great work using interest techniques. Your writing has truly grown.

I love this story. It’s sweet, entertaining, and interesting. 👏

[Susan]

Hi Mike:

I REALLY like your revision. It is fast paced (you are exceptionally good at that), funny, and suspenseful. The setting is great. It works a lot better than the original. Your writing is great and you can raise it even more.

The argumentative dialogue is great. I kept seeing Bob Hope as Marcus (until the end of course – then Marcus does a great sneaky switch and is more like Bing Crosby – just kidding) and Dorothy Lamour arguing, and her slapping him around.

I’ll get rid of my questions now… “oblique” is very specific and unless someone works out or is in the medical field unlikely they’ll know what you’re talking about, ribs is more recognizable and definitely more old timey if that is where this is going.

I’m not completely sure when this is supposed to be taking place. A lot of things seem old fashioned and others seem modern (like spazz). If it is in the present, but in an old place, then the bad penny idiom is overused and something else would be better. If it is a couple of hundred years ago, OK. Why don’t we know when this is taking place? Also what are they looking for? It would be more interesting and more mysterious for me if there were some clues or some sense as to what this item is/about, and why it is so important to each of them. I don’t care about it, and I don’t know why they do either. I know you are working on the intrigue and mystery, but knowing absolutely nothing about why they are going to the dungeons and what they are looking for and why, makes it less of of a mystery and less intriguing.

We have some description on what Marcus looks like, but not Carley. Is it because it’s not important. I had the opposite in mine Carley was described because I thought it wass meaningful, but Marcus wasn’t (I just added something for him in the revision that I believe is an improvement, so thank you 😉 ). What’s Carley wearing? Is she buxom? How does she move (besides the fighting). Is she gorgeous? Why is she so attractive to Marcus aside from food? Why is she so attracted to him? Is it because he is mysterious?

I love how Marcus just shows up on the road in the dark and Carley uses her superpower punch to get him again.

I love that the wolves multiply. I love that I’m not absolutely sure if he’s a werewolf or a vampire (or something else) in the end.

You did a great job with the interest techniques and traits. Does Marcus want Carley to lose though? Or is his strategy to win her, and in winning her she is lost?

Good hooks. Good Cliff hanger. Great writing!

[Susan]

Christi and Mike,

This has been my favorite class on ScreenwritingU because of the two of you. Before this the Thriller class was my favorite, it has great stuff in it, and although there is supposed to be group feedback there were so many people in it when I took it and people formed cliques and only responded to each other. No one ever gave me any feedback the entire time. It was so disappointing.

You have both been so helpful and generous, I really hope we do the writing group.

I’m working on my Cycle 6 Revision. Hopefully I’ll post it tomorrow.

Thank you so much.

😺

[Michael Jones]

Susan —

For Carley, we see the politeness and food theorist come out in proper British fashion, especially with her not mentioning her “you know what!” Details like that are subtle but revealing. For Marcus, his fussing over his make-up and wanting his nails clean show he’s up to something. Also shows how he thinks himself better and more deserving with his comment about Carley “not up to the same gourmet level, and from Britain no less.” Ouch.

I think we can see a form of toughness by her professional on-camera presence while having “to pull the jeans out of her crotch” before and during the show indicating it bothers her quite a bit.

When Carley describes what she’s making and refers her public to the website for the recipe, they would probably also list it on screen while she does it. So, she could say, “The quantities will be visible as we do them on the screen, or you can visit the website for the full recipe,” or something like that.

Good shot of Marcus upstaging and sabotaging Carley’s chance. “eat?” throws us off a bit, so I recommend adding the …eat? to it to show it finishes off his statement as he disrupts the prep table.

When Carley specifies “In Food Theory…” finding a way to rinse the product off as a suggestion using previously boiled water or a disposable towel or something would be worth the option rather than just using others (which she would do for the show) unless of course, where it falls has less than desirable accoutrements upon it.

The sabotage for the ratings is a nice touch but should have some hint of Marcus being part of it to hit on his subtext. Also, a bit confusing with Mack who earlier ‘knits his fingers together and seriously states the stars need to work together’ would show he’s not too observant if he hasn’t picked up on Marcus’s strategies by now.

Carley pulls it back together but Marcus’s campfire douse makes him look like a clumsy idiot or an overt prick purposefully ruining Carley’s efforts. It also shows he’s threatened by her and weakens his strategy that his cooking style is better since he has to stoop to prove it rather than let his cooking prove his point for him.

The Rangers are pulled into the filming too much since they miss their young friendly black bear, Charlie. Not to mention, if Charlie’s young, a good chance a more protective adult is nearby.

Once the threats out of the way, they poise for a fight where all the insults make a direct appearance. Then, Marcus perv’s it up and Carley likes it.

There must be a history here to show moments of tension between them both frustrated and romantic. It runs a bit lengthy and it’s easy to lose interest. You’ve done a remarkable job on it, with many techniques and twists. Some suspense with the bear, and a great setting. An intriguing idea with a purpose. The characters definitely change radically in the fight which works if there’s a bit of a history with them, even if only for some previous interactions. You can push the betrayal if you mean by Mack and Jake with the whole bug, bear thing. The hook about boosting ratings and how this will happen, and even creating a future with a burgeoning relationship or more rivalry with Marcus and Carley.

Great work, and it’s been wonderful taking this course with you and Christi. Really helped strive for some better work and helped me see how others use these techniques. Thanks for participating.

[Susan]

Thanks for your feedback Mike!