Lesson 3: Making Scenes More Emotional

[Lenore]

WIM Module 7, Lesson 3

Lenore Bechtel Elevated Emotions!

My vision: I want to create enough salable screenplays that an agent will want to market my work and recommend me for writing assignments.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that going scene by scene and contemplating how each could be better is a wonderful way of improving a script. I honestly thought I’d already done my best. I know now I’ve found ways to make it much better.

Scenes I studied, and their possible changes. I made all but a couple changes which I decided against.

Libby insisting upon a flight tonight. Her emotional monologue is enough.

2, Libby, Freida, and Allison running through airport corridor: Make the baggage cart driver afraid he can’t get them there. Almost have a cart wreck.

3. Making introductions on the plane: Break up the scene by having the stewardess checking seat belts notice that Allison and Libby have violin covered by blanket but confined with their seat belts.

4. Flashback scene at Schulenburg Park. Have Helga reprimand Sonja two more times for singing a Young Pioneer song. Have Sonja take Stephanie behind a bush so she won’t be seen teaching her.

5. Back to the present: It’s only six speeches and will stay as it is.

6. Flashback, department store dressing room: Try to think of some clothing items that’d be emotional for either Herr or Frau Gohkle and mention them as they’re being tried on.

7. Crossing point: I let them get past the guard too easily. I will have Stephanie so intently watching Sonja’s marching so she can mimic her that she falls down. Being so roly-poly, she needs help getting up, and the guard helps Libby help her.

8. East Berlin Street: Only four speeches that can stay as they are.

9. The Gohkle home: Have Herr and Frau Gohkle both weep as they tell what they did during World War II.

10. Back to the present: I could have Freida get more upset at Allison’s comment that one should risk earthquakes for love, then when she returns from the John, she could be all apologies—back to her nervous self.

11. Flashback to Schulenburg Park: Libby is emotional about her father accompanying her to meet Zhores, and I don’t see a way to intensify that without making her father mean—out of character for him. Then the Major questions Zhores, and I might make it more intense by having him point in his face. They’ve already shaken hands, though, so they’re pretty close together so Zhores would be unable to react by taking a step closer.

Then Zhores and Libby get acquainted through dialogue, and I could have Zhores quieting down so no one else knows he’s Russian. I’m going to try this and see how it work. He IS risking a lot being in the West for a date.

This scene also has sputnik passing above so the seven pages of dialogue are interrupted.

12. Back to the present: Two and half pages of dialogue with important clues to both Freida’s and Allison’s connection to Libby. The only way I can think of to intensify emotions is with parenthetical that describe their deliveries. I hate to do this because the emotional lines seem obvious, but I’ll give it a try and see how it feels.

13. Flashback to gashaus: five pages of dialogue at a booth with the last page action standing up with kissing that becomes a slapstick orgy. Could add a bit of suspense by having them need to keep the waitress from hearing their conversation.

14. Back to the present: Two pages of dialogue. I could make Freida be more emotional about her mother-in-law missing her wedding.

15. Flashback to Schulenburg Park: This is the scene when Heinz has to start the wall, and I think it’s already emotional enough.

16. Outside the Major’s Apartment: A kiss goodnight is enough, but I’ll have Zhores look back afterwards with a look that shows he’s afraid he’ll never see her again.

17. Inside the Major’s Apartment: It begins with an emotional argument between the Major and Libby, progresses to fear about the Wall. I can have the Major get into a rage because the Americans knew the Wall was coming and did nothing about it.

18. Schulenburg Park Day: I can show Young Libby sitting on the ground digging a hole under the fence, glancing fearfully toward the VOPO on the bridge. Then she stands as she sees Helga approaching.

19. Schulenburg Park Night: Instead of mentioning once that the spotlights hits Young Libby and Zhores sporadically, I’ll show the spots in their dialogue when that happens, and how it affects what they say.

20. Montage: stays as is.

21. Schulenburg Park: The escape already has the spotlight, so I’ll put it in the before and after dialogue too.

22. Young Libby’s Bedroom: Already emotional with the Major comforting Young Libby.

23. Back to the present: Only three lines with all weeping, emotional enough.

24. Flashback Schulenburg park night: As the Major tells Young Libby how he’ll take her to see Zhores, sirens sound and they realize someone trying to escape is being chase.

25. Montage: stays as is.

26. Shrubbed area of park: Only one and a half pages of Zhores and Young Libby’s last meeting—already emotional enough, unless is insert some parenthetical.

27. Back to the present: Only six speeches. Okay.

28. Flashback Schulenburg Park: I can insert the spotlight in a couple places. And the Young Libby says “I’d like that… Dad,” she’ll hug the Major and a tear will run down his cheek.

29. Back to the present: Seven pages when Freida confesses, Libby acknowledges that she’s her neglectful mother-in-law, and tells why she missed the wedding. Already emotional, but I’ll wordsmith is to try to make it more so.

30. Montage: stays as is.

31. Charles De Gaulle Airport: Maybe put some description of the airport crowd they’re walking through.

32. Montage: stays as is

33. The Louvre: Allison plays violin and sings to Libby, who sobs. Already emotional enough.

34. Busy Parisian Street: Maybe insert more street noise as they wait for a taxi.

35. Charles De Gaulle airport: Because Freida takes over here, I might have Libby emotionally out of control when she finds their seats were given away. She already can’t keep up as they run to their next flight, but I might make this more dramatic. Maybe so worrisome that Allison comes back to help her while Freida holds their boarding passes at the check-in point.

36. Another airplane: Already a good conflict with the stewardess. After that three pages of dialogue, but they are—after all—sitting on an airplane on a very short flight.

37. Montage: stays as is.

38. In the Audi: short and ends with a laugh. Okay.

39. Montage: stays as is.

40. Berlin Street: So much action in this, but maybe it could be wordsmith better.

41. Montage; stays as is.

42. Inside the car: short and okay

43. Montage: stays as is.

44. Inside the car: short reaction to Stuart being there. It’s okay.

45. Outside Schulenberg Park: short and okay

46. Schulenburg Park: I can’t stop from crying as I read all the rest, and I don’t think I could make it a bit more emotional.

Reveal: In 1989 Libby is keeping a 1961 promise to meet Zhores when the Berlin Wall comes down.

Reveal : Freida is leaving her San Francisco husband because of earthquakes.

Hint: Freida is protective of her pendant.

Reveal. Allison has an appointment to audition for the Berlin Philharmonic.

Hint: Libby does a double-take at Freida’s name. Why?

Reveal: Libby thinks the Major is a bad father for having so little contact with her during her eighteen years. Libby will later realize she’s been like him—a bad mother.

Reveal: East Berliners coming to the West to stay have to sneak out and leave behind everything, but many are coming everyday to be processed at Mariensfelde where Marilyn, Libby’s stepmother, works. Foreshadows Helga’s family having to escape.

Hint: East Berlin children must become Young Pioneers and get programmed to love communism more than their family. Foreshadows difficulty getting Sonja to defect.

Hint: Freida is again protective of her pendant.

Hint: Zhores’ father was a musical prodigy, like Allison is.

Hint: Allison was born of a young unwed mother and doesn’t know who her father is.

Hint: Freida’s husband and Libby’s father have the same name—Stuart.

Hint: Freida is again protective of her pendant.

Hint: Allison’s grandparents were in Berlin when sputnik went over. Conclusion: they were there at the same time as Libby and Zhores.

Hint: Freida’s Stuart told her men have a hard time handling mother-desertion.

Hint: Why does Libby get defensive? Does she think she might be that mother?

Hint: Stuart’s mother didn’t attend his and Freida’s wedding. The way Libby’s acting—could she be that bad mother?

Reveal: The Major helps Helga’s family escape, then he helps Libby have one more meeting with Zhores, so he’s not such a bad guy.

Reveal: Libby ended up loving the Major who was later killed in Vietnam.

Reveal: Libby dated lots of men, but never received a marriage proposal.

Big Reveal: When Freida mentions her husband made a living playing a child’s game, Libby realized Freida has to be her daughter-in-law, and tells her.

Hint: Allison has an Aunt Sonja—the name of Helga’s young sister.

Reveal: When the earthquake hit, Freida was taking a picture of the pendant hanging from a chain around her neck. She hadn’t intended to steal it, just take a picture to show her aunt.

Reveal: Libby chose to go to an awards banquet instead of her son’s wedding, but then she didn’t win the award.

Reveal: Freida becomes a sexy provocateur to get them a cab to the airport.

Hint: Allison’s mother requested Lufhausa Airline to have Allison call her. That means her grandparents weren’t available to receive a call from the school, or her mother wouldn’t have been notified.

Hint: Allison was born in 1978, the year after Libby took Stuart to visit Helga and Heinz. Is that significant?

Hint: Helga and Heinz had a daughter named Olga, and Allison thinks that was her mother’s name, which was changed when her grandparents moved to America, and they all changed names.

Hint: Allison says Olga—only 14—and Stuart might have had more than batting contests, if they were in love.

Big Reveal: Allison speaks German which she uses fluently to get the crowd to clear a path for their car to get on a side street. Allison thinks Stuart impregnanted her mother when he and Libby visited her grandparents in 1977. She thinks Zhores is her grandfather, and she inherited her musical talent from his father. She tells this story perched on the hood of a car after a violin rendition that stops the crowd. Very dramatic!

Reveal: The truth of her conclusion is revealed when Allison asks her grandparents for the truth in Schulenberg Park, and Stuart is there to hear for the first time that he’s a father.

Reveal: Allison loves Libby and trusts her implicitly. She demonstrates this fact when she gives her her violin so she can jump straddle-legged on Stuart.

Reveal: Zhores keeps his promise and arrives at their special place in Schulenberg Park a moment before midnight on the day the Wall came down.

Their reunion is very dramatic and hopefully a tear jerker.

[Lloyd Shellenberger]

Module 7 Lesson 3

Subject Line: Lloyd’s Elevated Emotion!

Working Hard every day to become the best writer I can be and as a result I do become the best writer in Hollywood.

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…the need to improve your product and finding ways to squeeze out every little bit of quality.

I found several places in my script I added more emotion more intrigue and more tension between Reese and the Widow. I made it clear in the end there was a possibility of a hookup but because of cultural norms it wasn’t possible at the time. I tried to add metaphors for emotion and depth as well.

. Post on the forums at http://ScreenwritingClasses.com/forums

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Lloyd Shellenberger.

[Marguerite Langstaff]

Module 7 Lesson 3 Make scenes with more emotion

Marguerite Langstaff: The Billionaire in 501

I want to write and market screenplays.

State/ I absolutely love the emotion in my script.

Activity/ Make my scenes double the emotional experience of the audience.

More emotion could be felt in the scene where Mimi’s husband crashes. She could fall down kicking and screaming on the ground and the audience would join her…or crying herself to sleep ever night or calling friends for solace afterwards…or talking to Zack her son on the telephone. Indeed he is gone.

More emotion could be felt in the scene where Sally warns her father Pappy not to get too friendly with Mimi. More emotion could be given to every scene in which she warns him…and more emotion could build as he begins to respond with more and more resistance. Such emotions are frequently built in families…and contrasts greatly with Mimi’s familial relationships.

More emotion could be felt in the final scene where Mimi and Pappy leave on a date, cheered on by their friends at the Acres. They could exchange looks, he could pinch her butt, he could spontaneously pick her up and carry her to the car, etc.

More emotion could be put into the scene where Mimi announces that she’s a billionaire with successful world wide advice column. Tim (grandson) could burst into tears thinking she’ll not need him anymore, and this time it could be Pappy’s arms where he runs instead of his Dad or Mimi’s. Of course she’ll need him even more and they will put a big lump sum into the savings account just for his college. Anything is possible when a grandmother and grandson join forces.

What I learned: I learned to activate my imagination more and feel the emotion that I want to convey to the audience….and/or to convey that emotion which I’m already feeling and just assume that the audience has rec’d.

[Margaret]

Margaret’s Elevated Emotion!

What I learned: This took me a lot longer than I anticipated. I have a lot of action scenes but didn’t express the character’s reaction to the scene. I had lots of opportunities for improvement!

What I changed:

Kidnapping – heightened Patrick’s and Alita’s reaction to the conflict.

Bacrah\Morrigan: Intensified pain for Bacrah, raised the stakes

Patrick/peasants – added a scene to elevate Patrick’s distress at the encounter.

King Loeghaire – described his emotions at the loss of his son.

Dubtach – added a reaction to being alone in the dungeon.

Dubtach’s betrayal – increased the reaction to his betrayal

Bacrah/Patrick- Escalated the conflict between the two.

[H. Vince]

H. Vince Elevated Emotion!

WIM Module 7 – 2023

Lesson 3: Making Scenes More Emotional

My Vision: I will be a professional screenwriter.

What I learned from doing this assignment is I addressed a shower scene that was brought up on one of my last peer reviews.

TITLE: DREAM VACATION

WRITTEN BY: H. Vince

GENRE: DRAMA/THRILLER

HIGH CONCEPT: When a retired couple finally take their dream vacation, the husband starts showing signs of rapid dementia and leaves his wife in distress in a foreign country.

MAJOR STORY HOOK: Imagine thinking you can trust your doctor to prescribe you something to block your anxiety and instead you become a guinea pig for a clinical trial drug that causes extreme memory loss while you’re in a foreign country on your dream vacation!?

EXAMPLE:

36. INT TOM’S HOUSE BATHROOM – DAY – CONTINUOUS

CLARA’S shower sequence

This is where I try to not get too detailed as if I’m writing a novel but I still want to get the point across of what is happening. I used a series of shots montage to list CLARA’s thoughts and actions but in that she feels emotion. I may have realized in my head what was happening, but it didn’t make it to the script because it was pointed out in the Module 6: peer review to explain the emotion. That was helpful for me to go back and explain a little more of what was going on because that scene leads to Clara realizing who Tom is.

[Brian Bull]

BRIAN BULL –

Elevated Emotion!

VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
I love writing emotional scenes.

The ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale
A fisherman is determined to catch the fish he blames for his younger brother’s death, however, in the end, it turns out the fisherman is the one who had gotten away.

ASSIGNMENT

5. Give us the list of scenes you rewrote with the scene essence and versions as represented in #5 above.
Scene 7 Essence: Dad is teaching his son, John, how to tie a fisherman’s knot; they are bonding.
How intensified: Dad gives John a knife strengthening their bond only to take it away when John accidentally cuts his hand.

Scene 9 Essence: Two brothers are fishing and the subject of their Dad’s disappearance comes up.
How intensified: A feeling of abandonment comes over them creating an awkward moment for them but it strengthens their bond as a shared experience.

Scene 11 Essence: Two brothers are fishing.
How intensified: John catches a catfish and Jim helps, they successfully bring the fish into the boat.

Scene 15 Essence: Two brothers fishing.
How intensified: John gets pulled into the water by the fish and Jim dives in and cuts the line. John emerges but Jim does not.

Scene 18 Essence: John’s going fishing and his wife disapproves.
How intensified: Increased opposition and escalated the conflict.