Lesson 4

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to add maximum interest to each scene. There are many interest techniques that can engage the audience. I can master these techniques, using at least two in every scene to elevate it and write like a pro.

Scene: A Meeting with Sister Pearl

Logline: Gabe, a journalist, meets with Sister Pearl, an old, blind, Pentecostal. Gabe trusts the veracity of her story.

Essence: Gabe’s perception of the typewriter changes when he accepts Sister Pearl’s story as true.

This is a long talking head scene that was originally written with stacking intrigue to dismantle an established narrative and introduce a shadowy, covert layer to the story.

Added Interest Techniques:

Character Changes Radically – Sister Pearl goes full Pentecostal on Gabe.

More Interesting Setting – Instead of a tranquil park bench, he finds Sister Pearl in the Assisted Living prayer room/chapel… eerily quiet and dimly lit.

Uncertainty — hope / fear – the story will now undulate between the two – Gabe thinking he understands and can find an answer – but there is no answer.

EXT – NURSING HOME PRAYER ROOM – DAY
A small, dimly lit room with a few padded chairs that face a wooden podium. An old woman, 98, wearing a muumuu and slippers has her wheelchair parked near the cross on the wall at the front of the room.
With her eyes closed, she rocks, hums, and groans.
Gabe enters and keeps his distance.
SISTER PEARL
Someone there?
GABE
I'm sorry to disturb you, Sister Pearl.
SISTER PEARL
C'mon in. Come in. I don't bite.
GABE
Sister Pearl, it's Gabe. Gabe Shore. Do you remember me?
Sister Pearl opens her eyes – they are white and clouded.
SISTER PEARL
Gabe Shore from Wolf News?
GABE
Yes, that's me too.
SISTER PEARL
Never heard of you.
GABE
Oh, I, well I…
SISTER PEARL
Oh, sit down, Gabe. I know who you are. My goodness. It's been years.
Gabe sits.
SISTER PEARL
The Lord is good.
GABE
All the time.
SISTER PEARL
Have you come for prayer, Gabe Shore?
GABE
I've come to ask you about a typewriter. A typewriter that belonged to your son, Vance.
SISTER PEARL
The typewriter. Yes. Yes. A typewriter forged by the devil himself.
GABE
I know that Lucinda Borden was your mother; she claimed the typewriter killed your father.
SISTER PEARL
My stepfather.
GABE
Oh?
SISTER PEARL
You know he was a very successful bootlegger. He built the tunnels under this town to run his game.
GABE
Yes. I knew that.
SISTER PEARL
He was starting a new tunnel when he unearthed this old Sholes typewriter. The keys were different from how we know them but it was pristine.

Insert: 1932 – man digging in tunnel comes upon a wood box and opens it to reveal a Sholes typewriter.
SISTER PEARL
I remember it well because that was the day he died. He put a piece of paper in to try it out. He pressed the keys. But what came out wasn't what he typed. The words, well, they were his last words.
GABE
And they were?
SISTER PEARL
I can't repeat it… bunch of cussing.
GABE
Odd.
SISTER PEARL
We didn't understand it, until the next morning, he and my mother were arguing, as usual, and he stormed out the door, said those words and then dropped dead.
GABE
Did your mother poison him? Like the papers said?
SISTER PEARL
Maybe she wanted to… but I don't think she did. I think he just had a heart attack and died. We were all in shock. His people, Georges' people, blamed mama. That's why she got in so much trouble. Powerful people.
GABE
What happened to the typewriter?
SISTER PEARL
I saw my mama slowly lose her mind over her obsession with that thing. My older brother wanted to get rid of it. Finally, he took the typewriter and said he was going to get rid of it. We never saw him or that typewriter again.
Sister Pearl begins to rock and hum.
SISTER PEARL
Hmmmm, thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord.
She speaks a gibberish language.
SISTER PEARL
Hoo stoo mee ahh. Hoo crake ee a shoo.
GABE
Tell me about your son, Edmund.
SISTER PEARL
Thank you Lord. You can imagine my surprise when Edmund discovered this old manual typewriter, stored away in the basement of my own home. My home! You know my cackles went up when he showed it to me. I told him to put it back; to have nothing to do with it. He just laughed at me and called me superstitious.
GABE
Didn't he know what happened to your stepfather, your brother?
SISTER PEARL
I told him. But he thought I was crazy. Said it was my psychological way of explaining things I didn't understand as a child. Lord. Thank you Lord.
GABE
Go on.
SISTER PEARL
I begged him not to use it. I just had a feeling. I had a feeling that this was the same typewriter, only different. So, he shows it off to his friends: left it with them. They start messing with it. Then, they are dead. Police said it was carbon monoxide poisoning… But I knew. I just knew.
GABE
What did Edmund do?
SISTER PEARL
He took that typewriter and tried to destroy it. Died with it. My Vance had enough sense, though. He believed me. When they found that electric typewriter, there at the bridge, where Edmund died, I told him to lock it away. He's a good boy. He listened. He believed. But I don't know. Now he's dead. I just hope…
GABE
We found the electric typewriter.
SISTER PEARL
And you used it?
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
You are trying to figure out how to break the curse.
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
Thank you Lord. Praise Jesus. Can't help you there.
GABE
Did Edmund, did he commit suicide? Like the papers say?
SISTER PEARL
My Edmund was strong and brave. He never would have killed himself. Never.
GABE
But the jump from the bridge?
SISTER PEARL
It was no jump. It was no accident either. I tell you, there's more to it. But none that I know. Now you got other questions to answer.
GABE
Where did the electric typewriter come from?
SISTER PEARL
That's your question. You're looking for the devil
GABE
Seems true enough.
Sister Pearl begins to shake and moan.
SISTER PEARL
The Holy Ghost is my witness. I tell the truth. Don't look to destroy that typewriter. Don't do it. It can't be done. You got to figure out something else.
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
Now let me pray for you.
Gabe is hesitant.
SISTER PEARL
C'mon, honey, I've got all day, but I know you don't. Come and kneel.
Gabe kneels in front of her wheelchair. She reaches out and puts her hands on his head. She speaks gibberish. Gabe closes his eyes.
CUT TO

[Christopher Fallon]

Chris’s Max Interest Part 1:
What I’ve learned in my writing: it’s crucial to engage and the reader/viewer. There many ways to increase the reader’s engagement with a scene. Some of them are: make it a more interesting setting, create suspense, and use surprise. I’ve tried to do all three in this exercise.

Ellie, fourteen, lives with her widowed father.

LOG LINE: A car has crashed into a tree near the house. But where is the driver?

SET-UP: as the scene was originally written: A neighbor bangs on the front door to tell Ellie and her father that a car has skidded off the road nearby and smashed into a tree.

(As it was originally written, there was no suspense, no surprise, no drama – just information delivered by a secondary character. So it was entirely flat and uninteresting).

I asked: What is the ESSENCE of the scene?
An unsettling event brings the arrival of a mysterious stranger.

New Setup: Winter. Ellie, fourteen, lives with her widowed father by a lake and some woods (I’ve put it in a more interesting setting by making their location more remote — no neighbors for a least a mile — and I’m setting it in winter). We’ve seen her going out on her bike every morning to deliver her paper round to the small community, then cycle home along the icy road by the forest. Today as she cycles home…

EXT. ROAD BY FOREST – DAY

Ellie slows as she sees up ahead:
Zig-zagging tyre marks, leaving the road, through the snow —
Down a slope into the forest —

Ellie jumps off her bike and wheels it the last few yards to the brow of the slope and looks down, heart racing.

ELLIE’S POV:

Fifty yards down the slope, the car has slammed into a tree. The driver’s door hangs open.

BACK TO ELLIE:

She drops her bike and begins walking down the slope, scared of what she might find…

AT THE CAR:

Ellie cautiously approaches.

She peers through the open door into the vehicle.

The windshield is shattered like a giant spider’s web. A pair of bright yellow woollen GLOVES are stuck frozen to the steering wheel.

Ellie sees footprints in the snow leading further into the forest.

She follows them for thirty feet and finds:

A MAN lies slumped against a tree, unconscious, possibly dead. There is no sign of life, no small clouds of breath, no twitching eyelids, no tell-tale rising and falling of the chest.
The man appears to be in his late forties, with a wild unkempt beard. Bizarrely, given the circumstances, he’s wearing a black tuxedo, bow tie, and black patent leather shoes.

Ellie turns and runs!

EXT. ELLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Ellie’s father GUS is chopping wood when Ellie runs into the yard, out of breath. He sees immediately: something urgent —

Gus hands Ellie and axe and walks into the house.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Ellie, still carrying the axe, and Gus, pass the car.

They walk to the tree where the man was.
Was.
He’s no longer there.

AT THE CAR:
The yellow woollen gloves are gone.

END OF SCENE

[Christopher Fallon]

I meant to include that when Gus and Ellie walk into the woods together, she carries the axe and he carries a shotgun (that’s why he went into the house — to fetch it!)

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is adding interest techniques can help improve the quality of the scene.
Scene: Principal’s office, p. 39
Logline: Kyle gets called in to meet with Chelsea’s school principal, Dr. Adams.
Essence: Chelsea is not receiving the accommodations that she deserves.
Interest techniques for the rewrite: 1. Character changes radically. 2. Uncertainty, hope/fear 3. Surprise

INT. DR. ADAMS' OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Dr. Adams and Kyle walk into the office and Dr. Adams closes the door.

DR. ADAMS
Have a seat.

She gestures to a chair and Kyle sits down. Dr. Adams sits down at her desk.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, I called you in because there has been an altercation between Chelsea and another student.

Kyle furrows his brow.

DR. ADAMS
Ms. Wright says that Chelsea was having a tic attack and pushed another student down.

KYLE
Are they okay?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, she and the other student are with the nurse.

Kyle glances around the room.

KYLE
I'm not encouraging Chelsea's behavior, but are you aware that students make fun of Chelsea's tics? This is not the first time she's been laughed at or teased and it doesn't seem like any adult is doing…

DR. ADAMS
(interrupting)
Ms. Wright is doing all that she can to help Chelsea.

KYLE
Is she now? What does she do when the other students tease Chelsea?

DR. ADAMS
I don't know. You can ask her.

Kyle sighs in frustration.

KYLE
No, you can ask her! She's an employee of the school that you run!

There is a knock on the door that startles Dr. Adams.

DR. ADAMS
Come in.

The school nurse and Chelsea come into the office. Chelsea looks upset when she sees Kyle.

CHELSEA
Hi.

Dr. Adams looks at the nurse.

DR. ADAMS
Thank you, Rita.

Rita leaves and closes the door behind her. Chelsea sits down in a chair next to Kyle.

DR. ADAMS
Chelsea, I called your Dad in because we are concerned about what happened today in class.

Chelsea avoids eye contact with Dr. Adams.

CHELSEA
Am I in trouble?

DR. ADAMS
Chelsea, why did you push David?

CHELSEA
He's always making fun of me when I tic.

Chelsea's head jerks back and forth.

CHELSEA
I'm sick of it!

Chelsea starts hitting herself in the head.

CHELSEA
(yelling)
I'm sick sick sick of it!

Dr. Adams eyes widen. Kyle quickly puts his arms around Chelsea and leads her over to a chair to sit down.

KYLE
Whoa honey, let's take some deep breaths.

Kyle breathes in to demonstrate and Chelsea follows suit. After a few rounds of breathing, Chelsea settles down. Kyle composes himself and looks at Dr. Adams.

KYLE
Would it be okay if I talked to you alone for a minute?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, of course.

Kyle looks at Chelsea.

KYLE
Sweetie, are you okay to sit outside for a few minutes while I speak to Dr. Adams?

Chelsea nods. Kyle escorts Chelsea to the door. He closes it and sits back down.

KYLE
Let me make myself perfectly clear, so there is no further ambiguity. What you just saw here is exactly why Chelsea needs an IEP.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, I agree. I will initiate the eligibly requirements with Ms. Wright to get Chelsea evaluated.

Kyle tenses up.

KYLE
Evaluated? She's already been evaluated.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, but it needs to be updated.

KYLE
What needs to be updated? The fact that she continues to have tics? She needed an IEP at the beginning of the school year. I feel like a broken record.

DR. ADAMS
I understand you're upset.

Kyle laughs.

KYLE
You have no clue what Chelsea and I have been through these past months. I thought I could rely on the school for some support. Perhaps I need to look for an attorney.

Dr. Adams is taken aback and chooses her words carefully.

DR. ADAMS
Are you threatening to sue the school?

KYLE
Maybe I am. No one at this school seems to be advocating for my daughter.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, I assure you that we have your daughter's best interest in mind.

KYLE
Your actions definitely say otherwise.

Kyle stands up and walks over to the door.

KYLE
I have nothing else to say here, Dr. Adams, so I'm going to take Chelsea home now.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, can we please talk about this some more?

KYLE
Perhaps you can talk to my attorney.

Kyle opens the door and exits.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.

[Firdaus Bilimoria]

Firdaus Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is adding elements and interest techniques enhances the dramatic impact of the scene, reveals character motivations and sets up the character arc, and also sets the stage for more impactful scenes to come.

Logline: Charles, Head of Investment Firm, congratulates Rafael on a successful pitch presentation to a corporate client. Charles hints of “difficult” choices and displays some of his ruthlessness, preparing Rafael of moral compromises to be made for future success at the firm.
Essence: Charles reveals hints of his cupidity, corruption, and danger, to the relatively naïve Rafael, and the scene is ominously prescient of things to come.

SCENE:
INT. FRASER GOODMAN’S OFFICE – AFT.
Charles and Rafael walk through corridors towards Charles’ office. Charles puts his hand over Rafael’s shoulder.
CHARLES
This is going to be a good deal for the firm, big fees and commissions. It will be reflected in the bonus payouts.
RAFAEL
I am just glad to be on the team!

Charles nods approvingly and slaps Rafael’s back.
INT. CHARLES’ OFFICE
Charles and Rafael walk in. Charles goes to the cabinet and pours scotch in two glasses. He hands Rafael a glass.
CHARLES
Job well done!
RAFAEL
Cheers!

Charles walks to window and looks out at view.
CHARLES
Deals like this… things can get tricky.
RAFAEL Yes.
Charles turns to Rafael.
CHARLES
Andy, Ed, we take care of them. They take care of us.
Rafael nods.
CHARLES
(carefully watches Rafael)
There can be… unpleasant elements to what needs to be taken care of. Hard choices to be made…
(locks eyes into Rafael’s)
On both sides. What has to be done has to be.

Charles stares at Rafael with full intensity of meaning. Charles stares back, understanding but yet not full grasping Charles’ meaning.
CHARLES
(CONTD)
What I’m saying is, we place a lot of trust in you. That your Dad and I are friends helps.
RAFAEL
I appreciate your confidence.
CHARLES
We are grooming you for bigger and better things. I am sure you will make us proud.

Charles raises his glass. Rafael raises his and they drink.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Firdaus Bilimoria. Reason: the formatting does not show in the main screen when originally entered