• JOSEPH SWANSON

    Member
    December 10, 2022 at 9:06 pm

    Joe Swanson Max Interest Part 1

    What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…

    It’s great to have a checklist of interest techniques that can spawn different approaches to scenes. For me, some of these interest techniques are bleeding into each other, but I assume they’ll become more clear with practice.

    Essence: After seeing the impossible at her high school graduation, Misha questions whether her assumptions about her father are true.

    Interest Techniques: Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Uncertainty, Intrigue

    Rewritten Scene:

    EXT. UCLA CAMPUS – SOON AFTER

    Post-ceremony. A mess of a crowd. Family members trying to find their graduate…

    Misha pushes her way through, searching for Dr. Jenson. She catches sight of him…

    MISHA

    Dr. Jenson!

    He turns.

    JENSON

    Misha. Nice speech. Peanut M&M?

    He offers her the bag.

    MISHA

    No thank you.

    She isn’t sure how to say this without sounding crazy…

    MISHA

    I thought I saw you with my dad… But of course now that I say it out loud, I realize that’s–

    JENSON

    Impossible…

    MISHA

    Yeah. Wait, what are you doing here?

    KIM (O.S.)

    There you are!

    Kim has finally tracked down her daughter. She hugs Misha. Jenson takes this opportunity to slip away.

    KIM

    I’m so proud of you. I wish your father could have seen this…

    ORSON

    He did.

    Orson joins them.

    ORSON

    I was just talking to him outside the bathroom.

    (to Kim)

    He says hi by the way.

    KIM

    Oh okay…

    Kim figures that’s just Orson being Orson. But he has Misha’s attention.

    MISHA

    Where is he now?

    Orson shrugs.

    ORSON

    We were walking back over here and he disappeared.

    Misha can’t help but smile.

    She’s finally realizing that when it comes to her dad maybe the impossible isn’t so impossible after all.

    MISHA

    Dr. Jenson!

    She runs off after him in search of answers.

  • Patricia Brown

    Member
    December 21, 2022 at 7:11 pm

    Pat Brown from Lords of Frogtown

    The list of things intended to heighten the scene are a good checklist.

    In this scene Wager, the protagonist (who is gay) finds out he has a son by a woman he doesn’t even remember.

    BACKROOM

    Sid chews on an unlit cigar. A creature feature like Creeping Terror plays on his monitor, the sound muted.

    He doesn’t look behind him.

    SID

    So you back at eight?

    Only then does he see the cop.

    WAGER

    Some alone time, Sid.

    Sid looks from the Deputy to Wager. He chews harder on the cigar.

    SID

    I know it’s your birthday, but two in one day?

    Wager just gives him a look. Sid shrugs.

    He leaves, closing the door behind him.

    Wager parks his ass on the edge of the desk, knocking the keyboard off onto Sid’s chair. The movie plays silently behind him.

    WAGER

    Aren’t you in the wrong jurisdiction?

    DEPUTY

    This isn’t police business.

    Wager picks up the keyboard and gestures at him to sit. The Deputy ignores him.

    WAGER

    Going to tell me what it is then?

    DEPUTY

    My name is Mark Riley. My mother’s name was Jessica.

    When he doesn’t say anymore Wager frowns.

    WAGER

    Should that mean something?

    Mark reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of slick paper. He unfolds it to show a page from a high school yearbook.

    He hands it to Wager.

    Wager stares at the page, puzzled as to what he’s looking for.

    He focuses in on the last picture on the page.

    It’s a mousy-looking girl with glasses and freckles, a studious look on her plump face. Jessica Riley. her caption reads: Most likely to go to Mars.

    DEPUTY/MARK

    Turn it over.

    On the other side is a collage of sports teams. Baseball. Wrestling. Golf. Football.

    And a date: 2003

    Recognition hits Wager.

    WAGER

    Hey, the Wolves. I was the star quarterback that year…

    He turns the page back over.

    WAGER

    Why tell me… this? I haven’t seen any of them since I graduated.

    MARK

    She was my mother. She passed away last week.

    WAGER

    Wow, well… Sorry for your loss—

    MARK

    You’re my father.

    Wager straightens like an electric prod was shoved up his ass.

    WAGER

    Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the hell did that come from?

    MARK

    From her.

    WAGER

    Look around you. I came out in high school. Any fooling around I did before wasn’t serious.

    MARK

    You don’t remember her?

    WAGER

    Heard she moved to Texas before finals.

    MARK

    Her family moved to Sunland. She never left California.

    WAGER

    Well, fuck. She never said a word.

    MARK

    Are you sure about that?

    Wager shakes his head. Panic blossoms.

    FLASHBACK

    Van Nuys’ football team storms the opposing team’s goalpost.

    A muscular teen, (WAGER) a magnificent animal leaps for the ball, while on the sidelines JESSICA RILEY watches with quiet infatuation.

    After the game, before Wager can leave the field, Jessica confronts him. Hands clutched in front of her, she stops, forcing Wager to stop, too.

    JESSICA

    I need to talk to you, Johnny.

    WAGER

    Sure. Let me hit the shower.

    Wager catches the eye of an older man watching him. They smile invitingly at each other. He barely glances at Jessica.

    WAGER

    Sure, sure, babe.

    He bolts toward the school, suddenly in a hurry.

    Jessica stares after him.

    JESSICA

    Tonight!

    FLASHBACK ENDS

    Wager squeezes the arms of his chair.

    WAGER

    You gotta be kidding me. Did Hy put you up to this? That little queen can be such a bitch–

    MARK

    Kidding? Fuck you.

    WAGER

    How was I supposed to know? She never said anything. It was one time! It wasn’t serious.

    MARK

    It was to her.

    WAGER

    When did she tell you?

    MARK

    I grew up thinking you were this great man. Mom wouldn’t say much about you, only that you died a hero in Iraq.

    Mark glares at Wager, blame in his eyes.

    WAGER

    Wow. A war hero? She lied to both of us–

    Mark’s fist catches Wager on the chin. His head snaps back and his head hits the back of his chair, slams into the computer desk and dumps Wager on the floor.

    Stunned, Wager blinks up at Mark from the floor.

    Mark stands over him, one hand on his holstered Glock.

    MARK

    Say it again.

    Wager wipes the blood off his mouth.

    WAGER

    Pass.

    He gets up, using the chair to pull himself to his feet where he keeps a wary eye on Mark.

    WAGER

    What are you here for? Father and son bonding? Kinda late, don’t you think?

    Mark takes a business card out of his pocket and throws it at Wager. It lands on the chair seat.

    MARK

    Be there tomorrow at eleven to find out.

    He adds a hundred-dollar bill to the card.

    MARK

    There’s more if you show up.

    Mark spins around and strides out the door, leaving it open. The jukebox is playing again.

    Wager picks up the card.

    Branson & Gilbert Attorney at Law

    Estate planning, business and probate cases

  • James Clark

    Member
    February 21, 2023 at 10:32 pm

    CREATIVE Mastery Assignment 4 Maximum Interest

    What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that a simple POV change will heighten the interest.

    Screenplay: Happy Hearts

    Scene: Margie in the ER Pgs 18-19

    Essence: A Bullycrat meets her match

    Scene Logline: Age and Wisdom dominate youth and anticipation.

    Technique: Essence w/o On-the-nose

    INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – DAY

    Karen Halverson Makes an inquiry at the Nursing Station. The nurse points to the bed location. Karen crosses the hall to Margie’s location. She hears laughter. She reaches over to pull the privacy curtain.

    INT. MARGIE’S ER CUBICLE – DAY

    Karen is facing Margie and Ruth. She takes a step toward the bed.

    MARGIE

    Don’t take another step.

    Ruth observes Karen.

    KAREN

    I understand you had an incident.

    MARGIE

    And?

    KAREN

    I’m here on official business.

    MARGIE

    Of course you are. Is there any other kind of business than “official”?

    Karen steps toward Ruth and holds out her hand. They shake hands.

    KAREN

    Karen Halverson, Adult Protective Services

    RUTH

    Ruth Cooper, ER RN. What led you here?

    KAREN

    It’s my job to be aware of potential risk to the elderly.

    RUTH

    How special of you.

    Margie giggles and presses the call button.

    MARGIE

    Miss Halverson you aren’t welcome here. Take your

    precious little clipboard and leave.

    KAREN

    Mrs. Owens it’s my jo…

    MARGIE

    How nice. Run along now.

    Ruth chuckles.

    Karen bristles, clutches her clip board to her torso, turns her back and walks away.

    Margie and Ruth look at each other and laugh.

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