-
Lesson 4
Reply to post your assignment.
-
3 Replies
-
Joe Swanson Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…
It’s great to have a checklist of interest techniques that can spawn different approaches to scenes. For me, some of these interest techniques are bleeding into each other, but I assume they’ll become more clear with practice.
Essence: After seeing the impossible at her high school graduation, Misha questions whether her assumptions about her father are true.
Interest Techniques: Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Uncertainty, Intrigue
Rewritten Scene:
EXT. UCLA CAMPUS – SOON AFTER
Post-ceremony. A mess of a crowd. Family members trying to find their graduate…
Misha pushes her way through, searching for Dr. Jenson. She catches sight of him…
MISHA
Dr. Jenson!
He turns.
JENSON
Misha. Nice speech. Peanut M&M?
He offers her the bag.
MISHA
No thank you.
She isn’t sure how to say this without sounding crazy…
MISHA
I thought I saw you with my dad… But of course now that I say it out loud, I realize that’s–
JENSON
Impossible…
MISHA
Yeah. Wait, what are you doing here?
KIM (O.S.)
There you are!
Kim has finally tracked down her daughter. She hugs Misha. Jenson takes this opportunity to slip away.
KIM
I’m so proud of you. I wish your father could have seen this…
ORSON
He did.
Orson joins them.
ORSON
I was just talking to him outside the bathroom.
(to Kim)
He says hi by the way.
KIM
Oh okay…
Kim figures that’s just Orson being Orson. But he has Misha’s attention.
MISHA
Where is he now?
Orson shrugs.
ORSON
We were walking back over here and he disappeared.
Misha can’t help but smile.
She’s finally realizing that when it comes to her dad maybe the impossible isn’t so impossible after all.
MISHA
Dr. Jenson!
She runs off after him in search of answers.
-
Pat Brown from Lords of Frogtown
The list of things intended to heighten the scene are a good checklist.
In this scene Wager, the protagonist (who is gay) finds out he has a son by a woman he doesn’t even remember.
BACKROOM
Sid chews on an unlit cigar. A creature feature like Creeping Terror plays on his monitor, the sound muted.
He doesn’t look behind him.
SID
So you back at eight?
Only then does he see the cop.
WAGER
Some alone time, Sid.
Sid looks from the Deputy to Wager. He chews harder on the cigar.
SID
I know it’s your birthday, but two in one day?
Wager just gives him a look. Sid shrugs.
He leaves, closing the door behind him.
Wager parks his ass on the edge of the desk, knocking the keyboard off onto Sid’s chair. The movie plays silently behind him.
WAGER
Aren’t you in the wrong jurisdiction?
DEPUTY
This isn’t police business.
Wager picks up the keyboard and gestures at him to sit. The Deputy ignores him.
WAGER
Going to tell me what it is then?
DEPUTY
My name is Mark Riley. My mother’s name was Jessica.
When he doesn’t say anymore Wager frowns.
WAGER
Should that mean something?
Mark reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of slick paper. He unfolds it to show a page from a high school yearbook.
He hands it to Wager.
Wager stares at the page, puzzled as to what he’s looking for.
He focuses in on the last picture on the page.
It’s a mousy-looking girl with glasses and freckles, a studious look on her plump face. Jessica Riley. her caption reads: Most likely to go to Mars.
DEPUTY/MARK
Turn it over.
On the other side is a collage of sports teams. Baseball. Wrestling. Golf. Football.
And a date: 2003
Recognition hits Wager.
WAGER
Hey, the Wolves. I was the star quarterback that year…
He turns the page back over.
WAGER
Why tell me… this? I haven’t seen any of them since I graduated.
MARK
She was my mother. She passed away last week.
WAGER
Wow, well… Sorry for your loss—
MARK
You’re my father.
Wager straightens like an electric prod was shoved up his ass.
WAGER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the hell did that come from?
MARK
From her.
WAGER
Look around you. I came out in high school. Any fooling around I did before wasn’t serious.
MARK
You don’t remember her?
WAGER
Heard she moved to Texas before finals.
MARK
Her family moved to Sunland. She never left California.
WAGER
Well, fuck. She never said a word.
MARK
Are you sure about that?
Wager shakes his head. Panic blossoms.
FLASHBACK
Van Nuys’ football team storms the opposing team’s goalpost.
A muscular teen, (WAGER) a magnificent animal leaps for the ball, while on the sidelines JESSICA RILEY watches with quiet infatuation.
After the game, before Wager can leave the field, Jessica confronts him. Hands clutched in front of her, she stops, forcing Wager to stop, too.
JESSICA
I need to talk to you, Johnny.
WAGER
Sure. Let me hit the shower.
Wager catches the eye of an older man watching him. They smile invitingly at each other. He barely glances at Jessica.
WAGER
Sure, sure, babe.
He bolts toward the school, suddenly in a hurry.
Jessica stares after him.
JESSICA
Tonight!
FLASHBACK ENDS
Wager squeezes the arms of his chair.
WAGER
You gotta be kidding me. Did Hy put you up to this? That little queen can be such a bitch–
MARK
Kidding? Fuck you.
WAGER
How was I supposed to know? She never said anything. It was one time! It wasn’t serious.
MARK
It was to her.
WAGER
When did she tell you?
MARK
I grew up thinking you were this great man. Mom wouldn’t say much about you, only that you died a hero in Iraq.
Mark glares at Wager, blame in his eyes.
WAGER
Wow. A war hero? She lied to both of us–
Mark’s fist catches Wager on the chin. His head snaps back and his head hits the back of his chair, slams into the computer desk and dumps Wager on the floor.
Stunned, Wager blinks up at Mark from the floor.
Mark stands over him, one hand on his holstered Glock.
MARK
Say it again.
Wager wipes the blood off his mouth.
WAGER
Pass.
He gets up, using the chair to pull himself to his feet where he keeps a wary eye on Mark.
WAGER
What are you here for? Father and son bonding? Kinda late, don’t you think?
Mark takes a business card out of his pocket and throws it at Wager. It lands on the chair seat.
MARK
Be there tomorrow at eleven to find out.
He adds a hundred-dollar bill to the card.
MARK
There’s more if you show up.
Mark spins around and strides out the door, leaving it open. The jukebox is playing again.
Wager picks up the card.
Branson & Gilbert Attorney at Law
Estate planning, business and probate cases
-
CREATIVE Mastery Assignment 4 Maximum Interest
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that a simple POV change will heighten the interest.
Screenplay: Happy Hearts
Scene: Margie in the ER Pgs 18-19
Essence: A Bullycrat meets her match
Scene Logline: Age and Wisdom dominate youth and anticipation.
Technique: Essence w/o On-the-nose
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – DAY
Karen Halverson Makes an inquiry at the Nursing Station. The nurse points to the bed location. Karen crosses the hall to Margie’s location. She hears laughter. She reaches over to pull the privacy curtain.
INT. MARGIE’S ER CUBICLE – DAY
Karen is facing Margie and Ruth. She takes a step toward the bed.
MARGIE
Don’t take another step.
Ruth observes Karen.
KAREN
I understand you had an incident.
MARGIE
And?
KAREN
I’m here on official business.
MARGIE
Of course you are. Is there any other kind of business than “official”?
Karen steps toward Ruth and holds out her hand. They shake hands.
KAREN
Karen Halverson, Adult Protective Services
RUTH
Ruth Cooper, ER RN. What led you here?
KAREN
It’s my job to be aware of potential risk to the elderly.
RUTH
How special of you.
Margie giggles and presses the call button.
MARGIE
Miss Halverson you aren’t welcome here. Take your
precious little clipboard and leave.
KAREN
Mrs. Owens it’s my jo…
MARGIE
How nice. Run along now.
Ruth chuckles.
Karen bristles, clutches her clip board to her torso, turns her back and walks away.
Margie and Ruth look at each other and laugh.
Log in to reply.