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Lesson 4
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Title: Laurie’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that brainstorming and incorporating these interest techniques really makes a huge difference. It not only elevates my writing, it makes it more exciting and fun.
The essence of the scene (still in play format) is that Hannah has given up hope because she can’t see to paint but Erin won’t let her die without exploring the possibilities she still has for creativity in her life.
Suspense – what will Hannah do with all of the pills on the nightstand? What is Erin going to do to convince her to live?
Major twist – Erin offers to be Hannah’s “eyes” so she can paint again
Surprise – Erin can see what is in Hannah’s mind’s eye
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony – we know Prince blinded Hannah but she doesn’t know what happened
Uncertainty — hope / fear – we alternate between fear that Hannah will take her own life to hope she won’t.
SCENE 3 – Hannah’s Loft Studio – Night
Black swirling smoke. Roaring wind. A goat braying. PRINCE storms out of the smoke pursued by ERIN.
PRINCE
I warn you. Do not vex me further.
ERIN
Strike me down! Smite me, for I will no longer do your bidding. I am done, my duty fulfilled.
PRINCE
There is no done, nor duty fulfilled. Challenge me again, and you will feel the full weight and breadth of my wrath.
ERIN
I welcome it! Unleash it upon me now. Put an end to my misery for I cannot, will not, live another moment without hope of a better future. Give me oblivion! I demand it!
PRINCE
Begone. You are not worth my time.
ERIN
I will not be ignored. If you will not grant me the oblivion I seek I will — I will find a way to do it myself!
PRINCE
Pitiful fool! If there were a path that led out of eternal damnation, would I not have taken it myself? We are beyond redemption, you and I. Once the woman has died by her own hand, so shall she be.
ERIN
No! Why must it be so? Our punishment was determined long ago but hers? Where is it written that she must also be condemned? There is a path for her, if not for you and I, and I will help her find it.
PRINCE
How? Blow in her ear? Tickle her fancy? You are powerless.
Prince laughs and exits. Erin brays with frustration. Smoke clears. Erin stands alone in Hannah’s studio. Demetri and Hannah lie asleep in bed. The sound awakens Hannah but not Demetri, who is deaf to it. Hannah sits up, instinctively looks around. Erin spins around and stops braying. Hannah gradually shakes it off. She gropes for the pill bottle on the nightstand, fumbles it open.
ERIN
If only there were a way to warn you!
HANNAH
Warn me of what?
Erin is shocked. She leans cautiously over Hannah.
ERIN
You heard me speak?
HANNAH
Who’s there?
ERIN
A spirit from beyond the grave.
HANNAH
Then I’m already dead!
She shakes the bill bottle. The rattle of pills confuses her.
ERIN
Feel your heart beat, the breath in your lungs. You are alive and will remain so if you know what is good for you.
Hannah reaches out toward Erin but feels nothing. She touches Demetri, still asleep beside her. He breathes deeply, rolls over.
HANNAH
Why are you here? To haunt me?
ERIN
I am a spirit, not a ghost. I am here to guide you, Hannah —
HANNAH
Guide me — wait. How do you know my name?
ERIN
I know! And what’s more, I know your plight, for I share it. You feel an all abiding sense of doom, without a future, compelled to live a miserable existence with no hope of salvation! You crave oblivion! Ah, sweet freedom from the terrible loneliness that engulfs your spirit. Death would be such a welcome end, a lovely respite from your despair– if only…
HANNAH
Finish it.
ERIN
Dear Hannah, if you die by your own hand, your body will cease to exist, alleviating your physical pain, but your soul will endure in endless agony.
HANNAH
Why? I don’t believe that.
ERIN
That is your prerogative, but I bear witness to the truth of it.
HANNAH
And you expect me to take your word for it? The word of an unhappy spirit from beyond the grave?
ERIN
Your belief is not required, but you would do well to heed my words. Humans are physical beings, and like all physical beings they are born, live a certain life span, and die. If their physical begin ceases due to natural causes, in the fullness of time, their spirits will be set free to live on forever in joy, but if you die by your own hand, your spirit will not be set free and it will be my unenviable task to escort it to hell.
HANNAH
I’m already in hell!
ERIN
A mere figure of speech. You have no idea what the real hell is like, Hannah. It is not a physical place but a nasty state for a spirit to occupy. I do not mean to minimize the mental anguish you feel – being sightless for the rest of your life is a painful to contemplate but your anguish will diminish over time whereas the pain you will experience at being excluded from joy will never end.
HANNAH
Do you hear yourself? Where do you get off — You have no idea what I’m feeling. I’m an artist. My vision is what defined me. If I can’t see anymore, I have no reason to exist!
ERIN
Then you must find a new reason.
HANNAH
Fuck you!
ERIN
Your anger is misplaced. I am trying to help you, Hannah.
HANNAH
Why do you care!
ERIN
Good question. This is new to me. In all of the millennia of mankind’s existence, I have never interfered before, not once, but you heard me speak, Hannah! You and I? We are now entwined. I believe divine providence has sent me to you– to dissuade you to live your life to the fullest. There can be no other explanation!
HANNAH
And If I don’t listen to you, and go ahead with my plan, you’re saying I will be damned forever. Like being blind isn’t punishment enough? For a sin I didn’t commit! This is bullshit. I don’t believe you were sent here by divine provenance. You’re just a bored spirit with nothing better to do. Lost! Like a ghost who wanders around with unfinished business.
ERIN
But if you’re wrong…
HANNAH
Doesn’t matter. My mind is made up. Leave me alone.
ERIN
But if I’m right, Hannah! Are you are willing to risk your immortal soul to find out? Why not wait a bit? Give yourself a few days to explore with me.
HANNAH
Explore what?
ERIN
If you are not willing to do so then I shall bid you farewell, but not good-bye, for we shall meet again very soon!
Erin storms out.
HANNAH
Fine!
Hannah defiantly dumps the pills into her hand. Grabs the water bottle.
HANNAH
Who does she think she is? A spirit from beyond the grave who brays like a donkey! Give me a break. Besides, I’m a good person. I’ve never done a single bad thing in my life, well, not anything rotten. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose. If I don’t want to live in the dark for the rest of my life I shouldn’t have to. It’s my choice and I’m going through with it. I didn’t have a say in my birth but I sure as hell have one about when I’m going to die and I’m not going to be punished if there’s any justice in this world!
Erin storms back.
ERIN
I do not sit in judgment! That is not my role — But I have agonized over this question for far longer than you have, and concluded that it is not a question of right or wrong, good or evil, but of choice. Life is a great gift but one that comes with a caveat– you must live it out.
HANNAH
Even when the gift turns into a piece of shit? Huh uh, I’m not buying it,
ERIN
Yes, even when life appears to be a pile of dung, you may find a pony in there. You feel your life is worthless at the moment because you are blind, but if you are willing to accept your fate as part of a greater plan, a new source of happiness will arise, I promise you,!
HANNAH
I will never by happy if I have to live in this black box for the rest of my life. It’s not happening. I know that with every fiber of my being.
ERIN
The irony is, I would change places with you in a heartbeat.
HANNAH
Because you’re already dead!
ERIN
Not dead. For the last time, I was not born of flesh as you were. I was never a human being. I was created as a fully enlightened free spirit, or so I thought. Two paths were laid before me. All I had to do was choose the right one. But alas, I chose the wrong one, not out of agony or despair, but out of hubris. And ever since that fateful moment, I have longed for another chance! For it was a false choice, made with bad judgment. Do you understand what I’m saying? You only get one chance to get it right, Hannah. If only I had been warned as I am warning you. If only someone wiser had made me listen.
HANNAH
And you’re that wiser person. Said the spirit whose downfall was hubris.
ERIN
You take immense pride in your art? You say you are nothing without it? I rejected the light because I thought I was my own light. Obviously, we have a great deal in common.
HANNAH
I didn’t reject the light. It burnt my retinas.
Erin brays. Storms around the room.
ERIN
Don’t be dense. The light I speak of is not from without, but from within. It is an all-encompassing light, a presence you feel with your whole being, the light of truth, of belonging to something greater, a light that makes you know you’re alive and connected to others! Then I lost it, gone in an instant. I will never forget the feeling of light inside of me, and I will always regret losing it.
HANNAH
I still have no idea what you’re talking about.
ERIN
I know! I lack the words to convince you…
HANNAH
You’re wasting your time.
Hannah raises the pills to her lips. Erin impulsively slaps them out of her hand. They are both shocked.
HANNAH
I thought you were only a voice in my head! You’re real?
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What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that these techniques have to be applied in EVERY scene.
SCENE LOGLINE: Lewis warns Annie that she may be blamed for the death of the baby.
ESSENCE: Annie and Lewis need to make a stand if they are going to challenge cultural norms.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES TO ADD: Uncertainty – Fear/hope; <s>Intrigue</s>; Mislead/reveal; twist
INT. LEWIS’ HOUSE – BABY ROOM – DAY
Tamanda changes the nappy of a baby.
Annie moves from one cot to another.
A baby is crying. She touches the baby, but Annie does not pick the baby up.
Tamanda goes to the one crying, picks it up.
Lewis enters.
LEWIS
Have you seen Mphatso?
Annie has not.
TAMANDA
I think he went out, Bwana.
LEWIS
(pensive)
Hmmm…
ANNIE
Problem?
LEWIS
(covering)
Um, no, no… he should be studying.
(to Annie)
Are you okay?
Annie shakes her head slightly and looks at the dying babies around her.
Lewis goes to Annie… hesitates.
LEWIS
Why don’t you go to Blantyre for a few days.
ANNIE
Why?
LEWIS
Have a break.
ANNIE
I don’t think sitting around doing nothing is going to help.
LEWIS
No, no, but it may be good.
Annie indicates the babies all around them.
ANNIE
For them? I don’t think so.
LEWIS
I’m worried.
ANNIE
I’m allowed to be upset.
LEWIS
Of course. That’s why I think you should have a break.
Annie waves a hand, dismissing the idea as she tucks sheets in, tidies nappies…
Lewis reveals what’s really on his mind.
LEWIS
I’m worried they will hold Eternity’s death against you.
ANNIE
Against me?
LEWIS
It is the culture – not normally for one so young, but…
Annie stares at him.
LEWIS
If a sangoma is consulted, I am fearful the blame may fall to you.
ANNIE
And?
Lewis shrugs, not saying what could happen.
ANNIE
So you want me out of the way for a while.
LEWIS
It may be safer.
Annie takes in just how dangerous the situation could be.
ANNIE
This is what happened to us in Alex – sangomas blaming us for every unrelated disaster.
LEWIS
You can stay with a friend of mine, or in a hotel.
Annie nods.
LEWIS
And come back when it’s all died down.
ANNIE
No.
Lewis reacts.
LEWIS
Annie, we’ve just said…
ANNIE
No. We stood up to it in Alex. We can stand up to it here.
LEWIS
I just told you that it could be dangerous.
ANNIE
Lewis, these are the beliefs that keep people enslaved.
LEWIS
Annie…
ANNIE
I’m not leaving. They have to change for the culture to change. And we have to show them how.
LEWIS
What if they…?
ANNIE
What? What are they going to do?
LEWIS
I… I don’t know. Maybe nothing.
ANNIE
(laughs)
See? Maybe nothing. The enemy uses fear to stop us. Tamanda?
Tamanda looks up slowly from the baby she is rocking in her arms.
Their eyes meet.
TAMANDA
(fearful)
I am with you, Mai.
Annie acknowledges her thanks with a smile.
LEWIS
I just worry.
ANNIE
I’m not guilty and I will not act as if I am.
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Title: Audrey’s African Arms –Max. Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to how to expand a scene by using Max. Interest Techniques.
Logline: The first day on a new job turns out to be the most terrifying experience of her life.
Essence: The moment my main character realizes she’s completely out of her element.
Suspense: Samwel and Mel hear the frantic cries of a herd.
Major twist: Mel absorbing the arresting beauty of the African Savanna suddenly turns deadly.
Surprise: When the Bull Elephant gets angry and heads for Samwel’s Jeep.
Uncertainty: What will the Bull Elephant do? Will Mel and Samwel get injured?
Reveal: Something horrible has happened to a herd of elephants. And the Bull knows it and heads to find the herd.
LOUDSPEAKER (V.O.)
INT. KILIMANJARO AIRPORT ARRIVAL GATE- DAY
Busy. Very Modern. Full of shops and Cafes.
LOUDSPEAKER (V.O.)
Welcome to Tanzania. Gateway to the Wildlife of Africa…
SAMWEL, a beautiful man with the whitest teeth, holds a sign that reads…
INSERT SIGN: “Doctor Edwards.”
Mel sees him. Crosses…
MEL
I’m Doctor Edwards.
SAMWEL
I am Samwel, your driver.
EXT. OPEN AIR JEEP WRANGLER – DAY
Samwel maneuvers the roughed terrain, as plumes of orange earth rise from the wheels. The snowy peak of Mount Kilimanjaro jets out over open plains sprawling on each side of it. And large grassy patches, under crystal blue skies make the Jeep seem small in the vast wilderness.
Mel, visibly uncomfortable, maybe it’s the heat, or maybe feeling vulnerable. Samwel notices.
SAMWEL
Where are you from?
MEL
America.
Samwel laughs, as if to say, “I know!”
SAMWEL
Where in America?
MEL
New York.
SAMWEL
(chuckles)
Ahh! Yes, this is very different.
Just then, a TOWER of GIRAFFES lumber across the grassland. Samwel stops the Jeep, and Mel takes it in.
MEL
They’re beautiful!
A BEAT as she digests the moment.
SAMWEL
We live not only to take care of ourselves, but for the wildlife that cannot ask us for our help.
The moment deeply resonates with Mel, a scientist who helps those whose voices are made silent. More at ease, she absorbs…
IN THE DISTANCE
She sees a PAIR OF LIONS flump beneath the canopy of an Acacia tree, seeking shade from searing afternoon sun.
HERD of ZEBRAS grazing keep a furtive gaze trained on the resting Pair of Lions.
A BULL ELEPHANT (BULL) with a CATTLE EGRIS on its back watches unconcerned as the Jeep slows.
O.S.
Suddenly, these PIERCING CRIES. MULTIPLE PIERCING CRIES all at once. DEAFENINGLY LOUD.
Herd of Giraffes begin to run.
Samwel stops the Jeep. He listens. The look on his face says, “There’s trouble.”
MEL
What is it?
Samwel raises a hand indicating STOP. He looks in every direction, “Where’s the sound coming from.”
The Pair of Lions grow uneasy and scamper away.
PIERCING CRIES grows more frantic.
Now, the Bull, stares at the Jeep. Lifts his trunk, makes the same CRY as Samwel hears.
Aroused, he starts trotting in the direction of the Jeep.
Samwel grinds the gears into overdrive and guns the gas, trying to put more distance between them and the beast.
PIERCING CRIES reach a fever pitch, like trumpets screaming.
Urgently approaching from the opposite direction are TWO OPEN AIR WRANGLER JEEPS, with FOUR MEN armed with RIFLES, all clad in government uniforms. They STOP. Watching the Bull, ONE MAN trains his rifle on it. The Bull picks up speed… And he’s coming hard and fast.
And now the Bull is making the same PIERCING CRY.
A SHOT is fired.
Samwell snaps a look at the Four Men with Rifles. The rifle is pointed in the air, it’s a WARNING SHOT.
The PIERCING CRIES again.
The Bull, cuts into the path of Samwel’s Jeep. Samwel jams on the brakes, comes to a SCREECHING halt. The Bull runs pass with such force the Jeep rattles<font face=”inherit”>. </font>
The Bull veers into the woods.
ONE MAN SHOUTS something in Swahili to Samwel.
The Jeeps with the Four Men hurriedly follow the Bull, disappearing into the woods.
Frozen in SILENCE.
The LOUD PIERCING CRIES continue.
LONG PAUSE as the terrifying moment passes…
SAMWEL
Are you alright?
Mel nods, yes.
SAMWEL
An elephant herd is in trouble.
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Lesson 4: Maximum Interest — Interest Techniques
Title: (Bill Southwell) Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing: By using interest techniques I have greatly improved this scene. I have learned how to capture the reader and hold them with these concepts.
The essence of this scene: This is the beginning of a serious decline of Charis’s health
Interest techniques used: Challenging situation, Suspense, Uncertainty (fear/hope)
INT. CONCERT HALL IN DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH. AFTERNOON.
CHARIS and BILL are watching CHARIS’ sister PATTY, age 16, dance in the Nutcracker Ballet matinee in downtown Pittsburgh. There is Music and dancing. It is Christmas Eve afternoon. Several minutes are seen and heard of this classical Christmas production. CHARIS and BILL applaud.
CHARIS
I really enjoyed that.
EXT. CAR – DAY
BILL and CHARIS are driving home from the ballet with PATTY in the back seat. It is starting to snow.
CHARIS
Patty, you did a great job.
PATTY
How did you like the performance?
The wheels spin as they pull out of the parking lot. A car honks at them as the car is not able to pickup speed
BILL
Oh, oh. The roads are slippery.
CHARIS
Oh, I enjoyed it. But the lead ballerina,
the Sugar Plum Fairy danced as though
she were frustrated. She seemed cold and hard.
She was not following the crescendos of
Tchaikovsky’s music.
The snow storm increases its intensity, visibility is poor. (This is contrast to the warm, peaceful ballet.)
BILL
This is a real blizzard. We didn’t expect this.
Snow builds up on the windshield.
BILL
It’s going to be a long drive home. Traffic is heavy,
all these last minute Christmas shoppers.
Suddenly, CHARIS develops a severe nosebleed. She clamors to find something to catch the blood.
PATTY
Here. Use my scarf.
CHARIS
Oh, I don’t want to ruin it
BILL
(intensely) Never mind that. We can clean it or replace it.
Tension mounts as the snow does not let up, neither does the nose bleed. (Now fear comes into play. The nosebleed could be a result of Charis’s long-standing kidney disease condition.) Bill reaches for Charis’ hand
CHARIS
I’m OK. You watch the road.
They drive on. Traffic eases as they get further out of downtown. Charis leans back holding the scarf to her nose and closes her eyes. (Hope sets in to somewhat offset the tension.) Patty is nervous but quite in the back seat.
Later as Bill continues to maneuver the car in the blinding snow storm, Charis drops her hand from holding the scarf. Her eyes closed, she is very quiet. Bill now becomes very fearful.
BILL
We are going directly to the emergency room of the hospital.
CHARIS
(weakly) Yes, I think that is best.
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MARK FURNEY MAX INTEREST PART 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: that it’s possible to use different interest elements to elevate a scene. These lessons are giving me the confidence to make bolder choices in character actions. Go bigger. You can always tone it down if it’s too much.
Logline: John gets some toot.
Essence of scene. A young couple’s 12-year-old daughter is fighting cancer. The chemo treatment isn’t going well, and the young girl wants to stop the treatment so she can regain the use of her hands so she can draw again.
In re-write of this scene, I’ve used surprise and a radical character change. John has been the very practical person in the relationship. To this point, the audience would never suspect him of doing drugs. He’s also been patient, kind and understanding about Karen’s abuse of marijuana. It’s a big change for him to say he’ll divorce Karen if she doesn’t stop using, but it shows he means business.
INT. PAYSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
John, on the sofa. On the coffee table, a small mirror. With a blade, he cuts out several lines of a white powder.
Rock music BLASTS FROM THE STEREO.
Karen enters with a bag of groceries in her arms. She surveys the scene and two-steps it to the kitchen.
She storms back to the living room.
KAREN
What the hell are you doing? It’s your night to sit with Cindy.
JOHN
What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m getting ready to take a toot.
Karen bolts to the table and grabs the Bic pen John was putting to the mirror and his nose.
She bolts to the STEREO AND TURNS IT OFF.
JOHN
Hey, that’s a good tune.
KAREN
You get doped up, get drug tested? You’ll be out of a job. And we’ll be out of our health insurance.
JOHN
Not fair, you having all the fun.
John pulls the baggie of marijuana from his pocket and angrily tosses it toward Karen.
JOHN
We need to talk. So, I stopped in the hood. Picked up a gram. I thought this would loosen things up. If we do a toot or two, we can talk up a storm. Just like the old days. Talk, talk, jabber, jabber. Share all our feelings, right?
John puts his head to the mirror for a snort.
Karen darts to the table, picks up the small mirror and throws it into the wall. Glass breaking. White dust in the air.
JOHN
Because I think you’ve been holding something back on me.
John puts the joint in his mouth, grabs a Bic lighter, and starts to light it. Karen grabs the lighter.
KAREN
Have you lost your marbles?
JOHN
No. We need to talk.
KAREN
About what?
JOHN
Well, I’d say Cindy. But I think we need to start somewhere else, don’t we?
KAREN
Knock it off with that crap. Cindy is not going off the treatment. If there is even a ten per cent chance the treatment saves her life, we’re taking it. Cancer is not taking another one from me without a fight to the bloody, brutal end. Till the end, do you get that!
[The scene continues with John getting Karen to really open up about the death of her mother and Karen’s fear of death from cancer.
John says that he’ll let Karen sleep on it as to whether their daughter will get off the chemo. At the end John changes character completely by saying, that while he loves Karen and wants to save his family, that he’ll divorce Karen if she doesn’t stop abusing marijuana. In addition, at the end of the scene, John tells Karen the white powder was baking soda.]
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Audrey: Quality Elevation Process
EXT. LONG ISLAND BACKYARD – DAY
Pool, cabana, outside bar, CLOWNS, KIDS running everywhere. It’s a kid’s Birthday party. TRENT sees an OLD LADY, slowly making her way to a seat. JOE, a friend close-by…
TRENT
Hey Joe! Take the nice lady to sit, wherever she wants. Get her something to eat.
Joe takes the Old Lady’s arm and they disappear.
ROBERT shows up with a STUFFED TEDDY BEAR the size of a 4 year old.
ACROSS THE YARD
TRENT sees Robert. If eyes were dagger Robert would be split in two.
Robert registers the look, but not the least bit intimidated…
Trent approaches…
ROBERT
Hey Trent!
TRENT
What the fuck are you doing here?
ROBERT
Suzanne invited me.
TRENT
I told you not to come around.
ROBERT
Come-on’ Trent! You still believe that shit… I had nothing to do with any of it.
TRENT
Why don’t I believe you?
ROBERT
Man, you paranoid…
TRENT
No. You like money. People like you will do anything to get it. Lie. Cheat.
ROBERT
I’ve never killed anybody.
SUZANNE, approaches…
SUZANNE
Oh, Robert! So good to see you!
She takes the Stuffed Teddy Bear. They AD LIB “Hello.”
SUZANNE
She’s gonna love this! Make yourself a drink.
As Robert walks away… Trent follows.
EXT. LONG ISLAND FRONYARD -SAME
TRENT
One day Chris is alive. The next he’s dead. What’s missing, and the only thing missing? Is his Rolex. One week later you show up with the identical watch.
Robert nodding in disbelief…
ROBERT
The word on the street is… you were the last one to see Chris alive. And maybe, just maybe you want Suzanne and all of this!
Trent throws a punch… SMACK lands on Robert’s jaw, who stumbles. Out of nowhere A BOUNCER, grabbing Trent, lands a crushing blow to the abdomen, another on the nap of his neck.
Trent, drops, doubled over, wheezing to catch his breathe.
ROBERT
Give my apologies to Suzanne. Sorry I couldn’t stay.
Robert and the Bouncer walk away.
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Madeleine’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that applying the interest techniques makes a big difference. I could probably go even further. This was just a first try applying some of the interest techniques.
Logline: While Luke holds a small birthday reception for Alex, Flavia wants to convince Alex to be part of the student’s commission.
Essence: Alex gets a new professional perspective.
Used interest techniques: suspense, major twist, surprise, uncertainty (hope/fear), and intrigue.
UNIVERSITY, IN FRONT OF THE DEAN’S OFFICE – DAY
Alex pulls himself together and wants to knock on the door, when Luke opens it unexpectedly. Alex looks surprised.
LUKE
Alex!
(pause)
Are you ok?
EVERYBODY (O.S.)
(singing)
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you… happy birthday, dear Alex, happy birthday to you.
Alex exhales deeply and looks a bit embarrassed.
ALEX
Thank you all… to you Luke… and…
(pause)
This was not necessary.
LUKE
Alex, it’s my pleasure and of course, it’s necessary…
(pause)
You’re reaching an age, where celebrating birthdays become a luxury…
Everybody laughs except Luke.
JOE
Luke, please, we’re here to celebrate and… please, will somebody pour some champagne for this still so young man?
Everybody laughs and touch each other’s glasses.
JOE
Have you heard about this latest initiative from our students’ organization?
PROFESSOR 1
Our progressive students’ organization…
Everybody is laughing.
FLAVIA
It’s the about “joining the FabLab” and it’s mostly Mirai’s idea.
ALEX
Mirai…
FLAVIA
Why don’t you join the committee? You and I could represent the faculty…
ALEX
If I had one birthday wish… it’s not become part of this Mirai guff…
JOE
Guff?
There is a heavy knocking on the door. Joe looks at the watch.
JOE
Consultation-Hour is over, Luke. This is Alex’s moment… let’s not spoil it with some…
The knocking continues. Everybody is irritated. Luke turns to the door. Alex has a nervous look.
ALEX
Maybe it’s something urgent…
Luke opens the door. Everybody gets back to the discussion. Alex tries to listen to the conversation.
LUKE (O.S.)
Not now, I don’t time…
(pause)
no…
(pause)
I mean, we’re in the middle..
(pause)
Check the consultation-Hours…
(pause)
Tomorrow, yes…
Luke closes the door and turns around. Everybody watches Luke.
LUKE
Speaking of the devil…
Everybody is laughing, Alex puts up a laugh as well.
FLAVIA
Maybe we should have a meeting… look at the proposition… I think this is this kind of idea that puts our department back on the map.
Everybody nods.
JOE
Well, that’s an excellent idea. Maybe think over it again, Alex.
Joe checks his watch.
JOE
I still have some stuff to do… it was my pleasure… Let’s set something up.
(to Alex)
I wish you an excellent continuation of your birthday… with your loved ones…
Alex approaches Luke and takes him to the side.
ALEX
Was this… Mirai?
Alex clears his throat.
ALEX
Can I tell you something quickly?
Luke opens the door to the terrace, overlooking the campus and let’s Alex step out on it. Then he follows.
LUKE
I’m not having enough occasions to profit from this great location anyway.
ALEX
Listen, today, I had an incident… I might have overreacted a bit… but, the way they treat you these days… this was just inconceivable some years ago…
LUKE
I know… also just before, I mean… Consultation-Hours are over… but they think it’s 24/7…
Luke lies his arms around Alex’s shoulder.
LUKE
Maybe it’s just us getting not any younger…
Alex nods.
ALEX
Listen, I… I even consider stop teaching…
Luke is seriously touched.
LUKE
Will this become a legal case?
ALEX
No, no way… it’s just… something I feel I can’t take it any longer… and they just get on my nerves.
Luke lets Alex go. Alex wants to make a step back toward the railing to hold on to it.
LUKE
No, no, stop right there.
Alex is irritated and stops immediately.
LUKE
Sorry, but the railing is defective.
Alex is relieved.
LUKE
It’s on my long list with things… Still to be accomplished before…
ALEX
Before… what?
LUKE
Alex… nobody knows this yet… would you like to become my successor?
ALEX
Don’t tell me that you retire! I mean… why?
LUKE
Maybe like you… I have enough… but for you, it would be perfect… much less student interaction, you know the university and are strong defender of our values… you know this place like nobody else…
ALEX
I mean… this would be… a very good solution…
LUKE
I actually think you would be perfect and I do everything to support you, my friend…
Luke opens the door to go back inside.
LUKE
Let’s toast to it…
ALEX
It’s code name is… “marathon”.
LUKE
Yes, let’s toast to “marathon”.
When they enter the office, everybody is getting ready to leave.
FLAVIA
Thank you, Luke… this was great… see you tomorrow, Alex!
EVERYBODY
See you… have a good evening.
After everybody left Luke and Alex are alone in the office.
ALEX
And… did she say what she wants?
LUKE
What do you mean?
ALEX
I mean Mirai, when she wanted to talk to you?
LUKE
Ah… that wasn’t Mirai… somebody wanted a …
(pause)
So, you’re incident was with Mirai..
ALEX
Yes… so you know, just in case she shows up…
LUKE
Don’t you worry, enjoy your evening and celebrate.
ALEX
I could have never imagined that “marathon” could become my greatest birthday present.
LUKE
Let’s hope it does not like the original marathon…
ALEX
With a breakdown?
LUKE
… death.
ALEX
You bet.
Alex laughs.
-
Jennifer’s Max Interest Part I
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that to my surprise, I found more opportunities than expected to elevate this scene. I worked on this both yesterday and then again this morning and this morning had a fresh view to bring out another interest technique which is “betrayal”. I had pondered that interest technique yesterday and wondered if I could bring this out so early in the script. This is the first scene of dialogue in the script and the first scene with Zoe and her dad so it has to sit just right. The essence work gave me the link. This morning I had the essence and found that I could bring about a moment of “openness and vulnerability” in Zoe which quickly, almost instantaneously is rebuffed leading to rejection and betrayal. In this case, her dad’s “ideology” is more important than her and her needs. The pain is captured in this oh so brief exchange and connects deeply to everything about the character and the story. I managed to bring in 5 interest techniques: surprise, irony, hope/fear, elevated the mislead/reveal already in the scene and then finally captured a moment of betrayal. I’m quite surprised by this last one I managed to work out this morning. In my view, it has made all the difference. I’ve been concerned about this scene as it is within the 1st 10 pages of my script and needs to hit the mark as it sets up the entire story. Now I think Zoe is more loveable and will arouse the audience to care about her from the “get go” … fingers crossed.
Rewritten Scene using Interest Techniques: Surprise / Irony / improved Mislead/Reveal / Uncertainty/Hope+Fear / Betrayal
INT. ZOE’S FRONT DOOR/HALLWAY – MORNING (CONT’D)
Zoe grabs her backpack as ANDREW, Zoe’s Air Force, controlling single dad, stands waiting by the front door.
ZOE
Nice hair.
ANDREW
Thanks.
Zoe checks him out, smirks then frowns.
ZOE
Didja use my gel?
Andrew scratches his nose.
ANDREW
Couldn’t find mine. Don’t know what happened to it.
<font color=”#212121″ face=”Calibri, sans-serif”></font> Who knows, maybe I’ll like yours better, huh?
ZOE
No doubt. Looks good.
Zoe pulls a side grin.
ZOE (CONT’D)
Just don’t use it again. I used my own money for that.
Andrew pulls his hands up and down in his pants pocket.
ZOE (CONT’D)
Are ya going blind or something?
ANDREW
What?
ZOE
Your socks don’t match.
Andrew looks down and laughs in surprise. Huh, I’ll have to rectify that.
Andrew kisses her forehead. Zoe quickly slides past to open the front door.
ANDREW
Zoe.
ZOE
What?
Exasperated, Andrew points at her ear.
ANDREW
Take em’ off.
ZOE
I gotta go dad or I’ll miss the bus!
<font color=”#4d5c6d” face=”Arial, sans-serif”>With eyes pleading.</font>
ANDREW
The earrings.
She removes them and surrenders them over.
ANDREW (CONT’D)
It’s not what you wear on your ears …..
Zoe dashes out.
ZOE
(Mutters to herself)
… blah, blah, blah between your ears. OMG when
will he stop!
ANDREW
You’ll thank me for this later!
Andrew gives her the “thumbs up”. His hair glistens pink sparkles in the sunlight.
ZOE
(muttering to herslf)
Right. Ha, wish I could see the looks you get this this morning.
Revenge is sweet!
Zoe heads to the bus stop.
_______________________________________________________________________
-
MAXIMUM INTEREST — INTEREST TECHNIQUES
What I learned: To look more closely at each scene to see how more interest techniques can be built in as I re-write.
LOGLINE – Everything looks worse in black and white.
ESSENCE – Ben’s first encounter with Jaimie (now called Jenny) in thirteen years, reveals her to be a much different person than the one he remembers.
TECHNIQUES USED – Suspense, Major Twist, Uncertainty, Intrigue.
NOTE: Ben has just pulled Jenny from a burning truck.
SCENE:
EXT. MILITIA ENCAMPMENT – STAGING AREA – NIGHT
He gently lays Jenny on the ground just as…
… the Hummer explodes.
Jenny looks up at Ben. His face, lit by the fire from the explosion, is full of pain and longing.
JENNY
(groggy and shaken)
You followed me here!
BEN
No. I didn’t. I didn’t know you were here. I had no idea where you were.
JENNY
Then why are you here?
BEN
Blind luck. I never stopped looking for you though. You don’t know how many thousands of times I’ve wanted to touch you. Hold you. Every time a woman who looked a little like you walked by, my heart would jump, and I would think for a second that it was you. And then it wasn’t, but then the scab was ripped off and the hole you left inside me was still there.
JENNY
You’re making me sick.
BEN
Why did you leave me?
JENNY
I left you Benny. Can’t you get that through your head? What else do you need to know?
BEN
I need to know why! Why, Jaimie? I loved you. You could have said something. Anything. Losing you was bad enough but not knowing why, or what happened, or where you were was worse. That was almost unbearable. Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have lived with that. Anything but never knowing what happened.
JENNY
I didn’t want to negotiate. My mind was made up.
BEN
Buy why, Jenny, why?
JENNY
You were just a real small town boy, Benny. Probably end up a high school shop teacher or something. And I couldn’t settle for that. And I didn’t have to. I met Mad Dog, okay? He was exciting. He started planning something like this when he got out of the army. He liked me, and he wanted me to be part of it. And he said if I was coming I had to burn my past life. Including you. Especially you. So we changed our names and wiped out our history. We have an important mission, and for that I’ve already killed you off in my mind. Mad Dog said I had to do that. That’s all you need to know.
BEN
What are you doing this for, Jenny?
JENNY
Are you kidding me? We’re the last line of defense.
BEN
Defense of what?
JENNY
See? That’s what I mean. You never could see the big picture.
BEN
Maybe we’ve both changed some.
JENNY
We’re gonna take over the government, Benny. The whole damn government. Think about that! Mad Dog’ll be the commander of the southern region, and I’ll be the First Lady. And who knows? Maybe someday he’ll be the Supreme Commander.
BEN
You really believe that?
JENNY
You could see for yourself if you weren’t so small-minded.
BEN
What I see is your little world crashing down on top of you.
JENNY
Mad Dog says there will be battles. We have to be strong.
BEN
I don’t remember you this way. I think Mad Dog poisoned your mind.
JENNY
He wanted me to be part of it. And he wanted me for himself. And Ben, I gotta tell you, he’s a man.
BEN
That’s sure good to know…. But you broke my heart.
JENNY
Get over it. You don’t know me, Benny Smith. You never really did. We’re taking this nationwide. And nothing can stop us. So good riddance, Benny Smith. Go fuck yourself.
Ben takes the necklace out of his pocket.
BEN
What about this, Jaimie? Does this have any meaning for you?
Shocked, she stares at the necklace.
JENNY
Where’d you get that?
BEN
You really want to know? I found it with the bones of a dead girl.
JENNY
No!… No!! Where was she?
BEN
Not far from here. A few miles down the trail. On the mountain. What do you know about it?
JENNY
Nothing! I don’t know anything about it! I gave it away!
BEN
Who’d you give it to, Jaimie?
JENNY
Nobody! None of your business! What the hell are you doing here anyway?! How did you find me?!
BEN
It’s not too late to get out of this, Jaimie.
JENNY
It’s Jenny, goddammit!
BEN
Help us get out of here, and come with us. I can save you.
JENNY
You better be worried about saving yourself.
BEN
Yeah, I am a little. But Jenny, listen to me. This is not going to end well for you. This little band of misfits cannot take on the United States government and win. You really should understand that. This is an armed insurrection in the making, and you’re gonna get hurt if you keep on with it. Please let me help you.
JENNY
I don’t need your help. We are taking over the government.
BEN
You really believe that, don’t you?
JENNY
Because it’s true!
Ben looks at her. It’s no use. He pivots.
BEN
Alright then, Jaimie. Just one more thing. The dead girl?… She had a bullet hole in her head.
JENNY
Whaaat?! Benny Smith, you do nothing but bring me misery! I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now leave me alone. And stay out of my life! I’m never gonna be with you…. I’m gonna leave now, and go find Mad Dog.
BEN
I’ve got a gun pointed at you.
JENNY
You won’t use it.
Ben’s thumb on the hammer. It clicks back. Jenny moves to get up. A little shaky but stable enough. She looks Ben in the eye, not at the gun.
She gains her balance, turns and walks away. The same carelessly sexy, athletic walk he remembers. He watches her.
He raises the gun, looks down the sights, takes dead aim at the middle of her back, holding… holding… squinting… just a little squeeze….
He lifts the muzzle and fires off a round into the night sky. Jenny walks on.
Anna Lee reappears. She saw the whole thing.
END SCENE
-
Shelley Darling: Max Interest Techniques
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is using these interest techniques to develop the characters’ interplay in the scene is imperative and needs to be done for every scene.
Title: Burning Truth
Scene: INT. SNOW FALLS, RUSTIC INN – DAY
Logline: Moses pulls into his favorite drinking hole, the Rustic Tavern, not realizing he’s taken Mollie back to the scene of her accident.
Essence: In an interplay of synchronicities, Mollie’s forced to reveal more of herself than she’s ready while discovering Moses was there the night of the accident.
Interest Techniques Used: Suspense, Major Twist, Uncertainty, Character Change
Note: Interesting Setting: Moses has picked up Mollie, taking her for a day trip to Paris Hill. Much to Mollie’s dismay and to Moses’ irritation, he tried to pull over at a Casino for a beer and lunch. A few miles down the road, he turns into the location of her accident, the Rustic Tavern.
MOLLIE
What the f…
(a much used Bible on the dashboard)
I mean, what the heck are we doing here?
MOSES:
Got something against this place as well?
Note: Suspense: Mollie is back at the accident scene. Major twist: Mollie thinks she is going for a casual lunch and suddenly finds herself confronted with reliving one of the most traumatic moments of her life. Betrayal: Mollie’s experience of betrayal is played out when she reactively jumps to the conclusion that Moses, whom she does not know at all, may have ulterior motives. Superior Position: Mollie knows that the location is the scene of the accident; but doesn’t yet know that Moses was there that night. Moses doesn’t know that Mollie was the accident victim. The audience knows before they do.
MOLLIE
(Music blasting)
Why did you bring me here? What are you up to?
You didn’t ask me about this!Note: Mislead-reveal/Character changes radically: Mollie’s shocked when Moses, (who she’s highly attracted to) brings her here without discussion or agreement. Why would he bring her here, of all places?
MOSES
Stop!
Come on, I know the bartender.
They’ve got a great lunch, I’m sure you can find some decent squirrel food.
It does have a spooky past, however… everyone likes ghost stories, don’t you?
MOLLIE
Let’s get out of here.
Note: Surprise: This and the previous Rustic Tavern scenes are shot so they are presented completely differently (sunny afternoon v.s. stormy night) so it is not obvious that they are at the same place. The audience is given few clues until we enter and see the saw blade and the expression of the bartender.
Moses lets Pepper out of the back of the truck and saunters over to the entrance. Opening the screen door, Moses gestures firmly and ushering Mollie in, pointing to the huge saw blade embedded in the floor.
MOSES
Hey, check out this saw blade.
(Seeing Mollie’s hesitation and laughing at his own pun)
hmm…so very edgy.
Putting on a brave face, Mollie, visibly shaken, steps tentatively over the blade, hugging close to the wall.
The bartender is very surprised to recognize Mollie, and is more surprised to see Moses with her.
MOSES
(Teasing)
See, that wasn’t so bad.
BARTENDER
Hey, Moses. Hi Pepper.
(speaking to Pepper)
You keep dragging him back here, don’t ya’ sweet girl
(tosses Pepper a treat)
You’re the lady who wrecked her car a couple of months back, aren’t ya’.
I remember you from the night of that accident.
Your angels were definitely looking out for you that night, for sure!
Note: Superior Position / Dramatic Irony: Now the audience has pieced together the clues and knows this is the scene of Mollie’s accident. Mollie & Moses still figuring it out when talking to the Bartender.
MOSES
What do you mean the night of the accident?
BARTENDER
She was the one. You know, you ran out in the rain after hearing it…
Told me to call the cops.
Note: Mislead-reveal: Bartender reveals – Mollie’s shocked when she learns Moses was there the night of the accident. Moses is stunned that Mollie is the same woman.
MOLLIE
What? You-You were here, in the bar?
That was you cackling in the dark corner.
MOSES
Hey bro, give us my table in the corner.
Same as lunch always for me. Do you know what you want yet?
Oh, and two beers. One Guinness.
Moses leads Mollie to his usual booth, this is obvious in his manner and in the way Pepper plunks herself down to watch everything… Mollie is highly apprehensive and hesitates.
MOSES
Come on, time to fess up, pretty lady… tell me what’s really happening here.
MOLLIE
Tell you everything? What about you?
MOSES
Sit. (pulling out chair-Mollie hesitates trying to figure out what to do)
Tell me everything in 30 minutes.
Note: Uncertainty — hope/fear: Mollie’s challenged to reveal herself and her issues with trust and truth – this shows her fears of deeper intimacy and her defensive reactions of withholding information – does she expose all? Does she reveal her authentic self or continue to play with false facades. She takes a chance.
MOSES
So, that was you the night of the accident?
MOLLIE
I was diagnosed with a spinal tumor by a neurosurgeon in Boston. When I found out it was slow growing, I told the doctor I was taking the summer off to heal it with alternative methods and left my parents hanging. Boy, my mom was so pissed. Always pushing you to do what she thinks is the right way.
Note: Character changes radically: Moses goes from controlling and suspicious to receptive and charming, softening as Mollie describes the night of the accident. Mollie-defensive and angry, shifting to vulnerable and trusting when Moses shows he is just as shocked as she is to have her showing up in his life again. Then closes up again when Moses teases her.
MOSES
Why have you come back now?
MOLLIE
(avoiding the question and changing the subject)
You and your friend were the ones
getting rowdy.
MOSES
(Staring at Mollie, stumped)
Geez – What a coincidence.
MOLLIE
(Tears up)
Coincidence? Really?
When the green bottle shattered – I panicked.
What was it that drove me out into that storm? I’m not sure.
MOSES
Yeah! I remember. It was really coming down. I never saw your face.
but I do recall when you high-tailed it outta here.
MOLLIE
I REALLY got spooked when seeing someone on the road…
That’s when I lost control of my car.
MOSES
(sarcastically)
It’s said Molly Ockett put a curse on the place, maybe it was her.
MOLLIE
Well, there really WAS something in the road.
MOSES
Never said there wasn’t.
Hmm…wait, didn’t I see you at the Wells Rally?
MOLLIE
(half-joking)
I bumped into you, and you yelled.
You scared the shit out of me – boy, you shot out such a glare!
You also were there that day at Dunkin’ Donuts.
So, do you still think it’s a coincidence or synchronicity?
The bartender interrupts, delivers food and beer, looking hard at Mollie, she’s uncomfortable being seen.
BARTENDER
You’re lookin’ good.
But what about your leg? You were limping that night.
Glad to see you in one piece.MOLLIE
Thanks. That’s a whole other story.
MOSES
So, what are you running away from now?
MOLLIE
Not running away – looking for answers.
MOSES
(intrigued) And what do you do when you’re not a detective?
MOLLIE
You still haven’t answered MY question. Why are we here?
Do you think our meeting is still a coincidence, or is it synchronicity?
MOSES
What?
What language are you speaking? What’s synchronicity?
MOLLIE
(Mollie, looks at her phone to read him the definition of synchronicity)
Wow, it’s amazing you don’t know what synchronicity is?
MOSES
You’ve never met anyone like me, have you?
MOLLIE
Nope. You’ve never met anyone like me, either. It’s like we are anomalies to each other.
-
Lynn Heggen
What I’ve learned is that using these interest techniques is a fabulous way to improve every scene – every scene counts!
SCENE LOGLINE: Byrdie reveals part of herself to Ben as Ben realizes that the bet is going to cause harm – as predicted by Mark years ago.
ESSENCE: Ben has feelings of attraction to Byrdie. Byrdie has feelings of trust towards someone we know is not trustworthy.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Suspense and Uncertainty – Hope/Fear
EXT. FRONT PARKING LOT OF DESERT BOTANICAL GARDEN – THAT NIGHT
Hundreds of glowing luminaries line the walkways and building. Ben glides into a parking space in his red Porsche convertible with the top down and exits.
Byrdie pulls in beside him driving an old VW Bug. She exits. She wears a gorgeous red sweater dress. Ben is taken aback.
BEN: Hey there, Champ. You look…beautiful.
Byrdie stops abruptly.
BEN: You okay?
BYRDIE: Yes…I just…haven’t been called that in a long time. Someone special to me used to call me that.
BEN: Beautiful?
BYRDIE: No…
BEN: Oh, Champ? Is that okay?
BYRDIE: It’s…okay. You’re my coach now…for the next three weeks anyway.
BEN: Right.
BYRDIE: Ben.
BEN: Yeah?
BYRDIE: You calling me that…Champ…it touched my heart and it lets me know that you’re someone I can absolutely trust. It brings back such a deep childhood memory.
Ben freezes. His head drops. He momentarily closes his eyes.
-
LESSON 4: ASSIGNMENT
–Kirk Landers
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is every scene must pique the audiences’ interest, and there are many techniques I can use to enhance the interest level of a scene.
ASSIGNMENT:
Take a scene that needs to be more interesting and use the Interest list to brainstorm more interesting ways to write it.
Take these steps:
Select the scene from your script that needs help and
give us a logline for that scene.OLD: TJ2 and Melanie2 begin to share information about their former lives and reveal who they are in their new bodies.
NEW: TJ2 breaks it to Melanie2 that she’s inherited some dire financial problems.
Tell us the essence of the scene.
OLD: This scene reveals the euphoria each person feels as they examine their new bodies in private, but it also introduces the challenges they’re going to face when they go to work in the other person’s job.
NEW: Free-spirited TJ2 reveals himself as an unsympathetic and untrustworthy partner.
Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest
techniques for the rewrite.Uncertainty – Have TJ2 tell Mel2 that her rent’s coming due and there’s no money.
Betrayal—TJ2 refuses to give Mel2 money.
Intrigue—TJ2 tells her if things get bad, he can introduce her to someone who can help.
Rewrite the scene using as many interest
techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.INT. TJ’S ROOM – NIGHT
TJ/Tina2 strips off female attire and examines the male TJ2 in the mirror. He calls Melanie2.
INT. MELANIE’S APARTMENT – NITE
Melanie2 explores the apartment. In the bedroom, she sees herself in a large mirror and reacts with growing pleasure. She strips, examines herself, and tries different poses. She opens the closet as her phone rings.
TJ2
You survived Vince.
As he talks he runs a hand over his muscular abs, and his flat chest, then his genitals. He reacts with a mix of arousal and fascination.
INTERCUT: PHONE CONVERSATION
MELANIE2
You slept with that jerk?
She puts the phone on speaker and begins pulling sexy outfits fromt he closet and trying them on. She’s as eager as a kid in a candy store.
TJ2
At least you don’t have to live with him. What’s Brenda’s issue?
MELANIE2
She’s actually sweet but she’s pregnant and nervous and she hates that I’m trans.
TJ2
Well honey, you’re not trans anymore. How do you like your double-Ds?
MELANIE2
God, that’s the one great thing about this freaky night. I dreamed about having a body like this. Everything bounces and shakes when I walk.
TJ2
Which reminds me, am I on hormones?
MELANIE2
They’re on my dresser but I couldn’t bring myself to start them. It would break Brenda’s heart.
TJ2
Oh my God. I’m having my first boner. Holy Jumping Jesus Christ! I’m so hard it’s looking up at me. No wonder guys jump everything that moves. What are my chances with Brenda tonight?
MELANIE2
There’s a 10-foot pole in the garage. Be patient with her. She’s going through a hard time.
TJ2
I’m pretty hard myself.
MELANIE2
Spare me. Just tell me what I need to know to survive the week.
TJ2
Well, the landlord’s going to pressure you for rent.
MELANIE2
And?
TJ2
Payday’s in a week. But it won’t be enough.
MELANIE2
So, savings? Checking? Put it on the credit card?
TJ2
Sorry, they’re all tapped out.
MELANIE2
Then you get your ass straight to the bank Monday morning and withdraw a couple grand for me.
TJ2
I don’t even know you.
MELANIE2
It’s my money you jerk.
TJ2
I’ll try, but if it doesn’t work out, I know how you can get some extra income.
MELANIE2
Doing what?
TJ2
Trust me.
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