Lesson 4

[Rick Whitney]

Scene from the Spear:

Ext: Island – day

Logline: After his ship is lost in the storm, Lucius washes up on the shore of a dessert island. He must find food and water in order to survive and continue his pursuit of his loved one.

Essence: This scene adds to the characters determination and has the elements of uncertainty as an obstacle of his goal.

Instead of him finding food and water etc, and instead of the ship lost in a storm, rewrite the scene as Phoenician Pirates attack the ship and he must use his solder skills to survive I.e. use his unique spear throwing skill in a battle. He still has the obstacle of surviving to reach his goal, still has the uncertainty that he will survive the battle but the action and tension increases in a battle scene. He could be wounded adding more uncertainty to his survival. It also opens up the possibility of him losing the battle to the pirates and becoming a slave to them where he would have to find a means of escape to continue on his quest or they defend the ship and drive off the attackers but the victory changes his duties while they continue the voyage and he must learn new skills.

What I learned: By examining the scene, I found several ways to lift the level of interest by putting in a more interesting setting and it opens up possible new avenues to torture my character in his pursuit.

[Karin Armbrust]

Karin Armbrust Max Interest Part 1

Logline: Daniel tries to cover up how badly he is doing in his workplace.

Essence: Barbara discovers that Daniel is not the man she has always thought he was.

Techniques: Surprise, character changes radically, major twist.

What I learned is that I can really make a rather simple exciting and dramatic.

INT. BEDROOM – SAME EVENING

Daniel is going through a pile of papers while Barbara paces the room.

Daniel

I’m glad that’s over.

Barbara

Yeah, you called it. I should have listened to you.

DANIEL

I know, right?

BARBARA

But you found your way through it and held your own.

DANIEL

I did, didn’t I?

BARBARA

Yeah you did. They really respected you.

DANIEL

Yeah…

BARBARA

I can see that they are very happy with hiring you in the first place! Soon, you’ll be the manager, maybe even the CEO!

DANIEL

Lets not get ahead of ourselves.

BARBARA

It’s a done deal! I’ve been thinking of redoing the kitchen. I think it’s time to start!

DANIEL

Well, maybe we should wait…

BARBARA

Why wait? This is going to be so great!

DANIEL

Barbara, stop. The kitchen is fine the way it is.

BARBARA

Last week you were cursing the oven.

DANIEL

No I wasn’t. Don’t you think you’re getting a bit emotional about this?

BARBARA

You’re going to switch this back on me?

DANIEL

I just think you’re being unrealistic.

BARBARA

I know Daniel.

DANIEL

You know? There’s something to know?

BARBARA

Don’t gaslight me. I know about the contract, and the competition.

DANIEL

I don’t know what you mean. Have you taken your medication?

BARBARA

I know that you could be let go in two weeks. I know that Suzanne is the shoe in. I know that you’re manager is not on your side.

Daniel hangs his head.

DANIEL

I don’t know where you got these ideas.

BARBARA

“I don’t know where you got these ideas.” Oh please.

Barbara reaches under the pillow and pulls out a gun.

DANIEL

Why do you have the gun out?

BARBARA

“Why do you have the gun out, Barbara?”

DANIEL

Just put the gun down.

BARBARA

I’ll put it down, just tell the truth.

Daniel sits down on the bed.

DANIEL

I signed a three month contract. Only one of us gets the job. It’s not going well for me.

Barbara puts the gun under the pillow.

BARBARA

You didn’t tell me.

DANIEL

I thought it wouldn’t ever be an issue. I saw Mr. Pratt. I saw that he was a lot like me. Quiet, detail oriented, and had a good sense of integrity.

BARBARA

Integrity? You lied to me!

DANIEL

I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth.

BARBARA

I’m not one of your clients, don’t try to blow smoke up my rear end!

Daniel tries to take Barbara’s hand. Barbara pulls away and gets to her feet. She gets a pillow and a blanket and hands it to him and then shows him the door. He takes a step out. She closes the door on his defeated face.

[Jeff Cochran]

Jeff Cochran’s Max Interest Part 1

1. Intro Sam scene. Logline: Easton enters the hibernation chamber to make sure his wife is up, to find her watching the last video message she will ever get from her mother.

2. Essence: Easton is almost desperate to protect his wife from any emotional stress, more for his own selfish needs than hers.

<div>
3. Uncertainty — hope / fear. Surprise.</div><div>

4. See below.

</div><div>

5. What I learned: I was already using
one of these interest techniques in this scene, but it was way too subtle.
I learned to have audience recognize and react to these techniques you
have to make it more obvious.

</div>

SCENE:

INT. HIBERNATION CHAMBER

Easton enters, mug in hand. He scans the room.

His wife is nowhere to be found. He slowly moves deeper into the chamber.

He hears indistinct voices as he approaches Sam’s hibernation pod. Then he hears sobbing.

He moves next to her pod and pears over. There she is. on the opposite side. Pushed against the pod. Knees pulled up to her chin. A tablet held against her knees.

A video is playing on the tablet. Sam’s mother.

SAM’S MOTHER

(from the tablet)

Your father passed away two years ago. I’d like to say I miss him, but I don’t. That may not be surprising to you, but it is to me.

Sam shakes. Holding back a sob.

Easton leans and listens. Watches.

SAM’S MOTHER

I kept the house for a year, then I asked myself what the hell was I doing? That’s when I found the Crystal Gate community. It’s nice and I’ve made a few good friends. There’s Jeremy and Glenda who . . .

(pause)

Well, I think you would like them.

The old woman chokes back a sob.

SAM’S MOTHER

The doctors tell me it won’t be long. I know it will be sixty years before you see this. I just want to say my good byes now while . . . while I can.

Sam wipes a tear. Catches sight of Easton. She gives him a tearful smile.

Easton places the mug on the pod and sits next to her, wrapping her in an arm.

SAM’S MOTHER

Samira, I love you more than anything in this world. You are a blessing and the most joyful part of my life. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you broke this awful curse and disowned your father. I wished I had had the courage to do the same.

Sam presses her head into his shoulder. He holds her tight.

SAM’S MOTHER

I hope you and Easton find happiness and you start that family you’ve always wanted.

Easton stiffens. Sam lifts her head from his shoulder.

SAM MOTHER

I will always be with you in spirit. I love you my dear, sweet daughter. Always know that. Good bye, love.

The video fades to black. Easton watches her, expecting . . . What?

Sam wipes her cheek placing the tablet on the floor.

EASTON

Are you all right?

She stifles a laugh.

SAM

I’m fine.

Pause

EASTON

Are you sure?

She looks at his worried expression, and smiles.

SAM

Yeah. I knew when I boarded this flight, I would never see her again. I got the cry out. Time to get on with our lives.

EASTON

Okay, I’m saying I’m here if . . .

SAM

I’m fine. Let’s get this colony underway so you and I get busy making a family.

He looks away as she jumps to her feet.

She points to the coffee mug on the pod.

SAM

Is that for me?

He nods. She grabs the mug. Pulls it under her nose, inhaling deeply.

SAM

Oh yeah, that’s what I need.

She takes a long sip. Enjoys it.

She reaches her hand down to him.

SAM

Come on, mister. We gotta a life to build.

She pulls him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist.

She leads him back to the kitchen.

[William Whalen]

William Whelan – Max interest Part 1.

Logline: Betty and Grandpa decide to ask Jim if Betty can spend a year at the Artist Retreat.

Essence: Betty wants to remain at Artist Retreat and not return to Chicago for college.

Interest techniques: Suspense, more interesting setting, uncertainty.

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to use max interest techniques as a tool to bring my scenes alive and dynamic.

EXT. RIVERBANK BEHIND farmHOUSE

Betty and Grandpa stand on the riverbank. Betty eats wild raspberries while Grandpa watches the river flow by.

GRANDPA

Go easy on the wild raspberries White Swan — you don’t want to get a belly ache in the car on your ride home.

BETTY

I don’t want to leave Grandpa; I love it here.

GRANDPA

Don’t forget our agreement with your father was that you would return to Chicago in time to start the fall semester at Carnegie-Mellon.

BETTY

Can’t you convince him to let me stay? Tell him that I need a year off before starting college to find myself.

GRANDPA

I’m not sure “finding yourself” is a concept your father understands. You’ll be back next year — let’s not ruin a good thing by getting your father upset.

BETTY

You promise not to die over the winter?

GRANDPA

Where did that come from? Does it look like I’m on my last legs?

BETTY

You do use a cane. I would feel better if you promised me that you would be here next summer.

GRANDPA

Of course, I promise you.

Betty hugs Grandpa as she speaks.

BETTY

I feel better now but I still don’t want to leave.

Grandpa’s phone rings.

GRANDPA

Hi Jim. (pause) You’re in the driveway? Okay, we are down by the river. The door’s unlocked — so let yourself in. We’ll meet you out on the patio in a few minutes.

Grandpa ends the call.

BETTY

Does he sound mad?

GRANDPA

No, but we both know that can change in a heartbeat.

BETTY

How mad do you think he will get when I tell him I need a year off to find myself?

GRANDPA

On a scale of one to ten?

BETTY

Yeah.

GRANDPA

Fifteen.

Both Betty and Grandpa laugh.

GRANDPA

C’mon, let’s head back to the house. “Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand!”.

Betty and Grandpa head up the hill to the farmhouse.

[Winifred Meiser]

Title: Roxy the Recycling Robin and the Mystery of the Missing Trees”
Winifred Meiser:

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to give the characters more chances to say what they are thinking.

Part One: 1. Longline for Roxy script scene: Scene 8: Roxy Robin learns the answer to the “Secret of the Circle of Arrows” and tries to share it with the children in the park.

2 The Essence of the scene shows how a lack of information can lead to misunderstandings about a specific topic.

3 The youngest child does understand but the others don’t listen.

4 ROXY ROBIN
Kids, wait, please don’t throw so much in the trash. All your paper plates, gift wrappings, and cardboard boxes are made from the trees that were once our homes with nests for food and shelter for me and my forest friends.

VICKY
Hey little birdie, look around – there’s PLENTY more trees. You can just fly to another tree.

ROXY ROBIN
Some day, when there are no trees left in the forest to seed new trees, there will be no more place for us – and no more paper for your school books and gift wrappings.
Friend #1
Oh COME ON! There are plenty of places that sell paper. They even make books for our school library. There are all kinds of cute new stuff in the stores too. and they have NEVER run out of paper for homework.

( VICKY AND FRIENDS all laugh)
ROXY ROBIN
But our forest is disappearing, your dumps are getting full, and the rivers and oceans are becoming polluted with all the plastic that makes its way there so even the fish can hardly swim there.
Friend #2
We can always swim in the pool instead of the river, and the beach is far from me anyway.

Friend #3
What’s all the fuss over a few bits of trash that nobody can use anyway, Nobody wants it. There’s nowhere else we could put it, and it’s better than being a litterbug.

( VICKY AND FRIENDS all laugh again)
( ROXY turns away dejectedly, goes back to the NORTH WIND)
ROXY These children don’t understand ANYTHING about the problem. Oh! there are so many people . . . and I am just a young Robin – how can I make a difference in such a big world?