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Lesson 5
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11 Replies
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Lynn is great at Subtext Pointers!
VISION: I am determined to become a great screenwriter capable of getting my screenplays in various genres produced into movies that inspire vast audiences to mitigate climate change.
THE PITCH: WEATHERING IT (Rom-Com) is about two college students who struggle to overcome family fights about global warming, then try to get married during the worst ever Texas freeze.
I LEARNED that many of my items in Lesson 4 Subtext Cover-up assignment were actually Subtext Pointers, and I seem to be better at pointers. I already have plenty of them in my script. Also I’m thinking that “talking past each other” quite often involves subtext pointers.
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Scene 1B:
TALKING PAST EACH OTHER:
Luz hands out a flyer for a trip to the turtle center trip and the coed chucks it. Luz confronts her:
LUZ: Do you want global warming to boil the oceans away and bake us all to death?! (IMPLICATION, INSINUATION, HYPERBOLE)
COED (stops and turns): How’re turtles gonna help on exams? (SARCASM, IMPLICATION that she’s only concerned about her immediate life, turtles don’t interest her, and perhaps she doesn’t believe in global warming)
After Ellie chides Luz for exaggerating:
LUZ (to Ellie): Yeh, but nothing works, Ellie, and it’s the end of September and the heat’s killing us (implication it is due to global warming)
ELLIE: Guess we’ll have to weather it. (despondent sigh) The way things are NOT going. (METAPHOR meaning “put up with the way people are” as well as on the nose of “bearing the hot weather”; IMPLICATION that people are not going to do enough about global warming no matter what).
My script is chucked full of these, but I’ll be looking for ways to elevate the dialogue even further with subtext cover-ups (which I need to improve on) and pointers.
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Marcus is great at subtext pointers!
My Vision: Get my script made into a movie.
This assignment taught me a lot about subtext, a critical aspect of great writing.
I went through the entire script with this in mind. Here are some changes I made:
Before lines:
ISAAC
Somebody’s been stealing our lumber.
JAKE
Maybe if you put it on the building, they’d stop taking it.
After lines:
ISAAC
Somebody’s been stealing our lumber.
JAKE
They taking it off the building?
Isaac looks at Jake quizzically, puzzled.
JAKE (CONT’D)
Try hiding it on there. Maybe they won’t find it.
Before lines:
ISAAC (CONT’D)
We got a problem over at the site.
Jake resumes walking briskly. Isaac keeps up.
JAKE
Let’s review, Isaac. You’re my foreman. Foreman. Solves. Problems. Now, go do some of that. I got a lot on my mind.
After lines:
ISAAC (CONT’D)
We need you over at the site.
Jake resumes walking briskly. Isaac keeps up.
JAKE
No, Isaac. You’re my foreman. I got a lot on my mind.
Before lines:
JAKE
I started out with about this much, saved up from my soldiering pay. And this, right here, is all of this I got left. That business was all I had. And our client, Abernathy? He’ll see me in jail. I’m making me a tactical withdrawal. Come with. I need a good foreman. There’s just enough here to start over.
ISAAC
Things look poorly, I’ll concede, but there’s a better way forward.
After lines:
JAKE
I started out with about this much, saved up from my soldiering pay. And this, right here, is all of this I got left, after four years.
ISAAC
You’ve got a lot of…
(pats the bed)
Necessary expenses.
JAKE
You find this funny? Our client, Abernathy? He’ll see me in jail. I’m making me a tactical withdrawal. Come with. I need a good foreman. There’s just enough here to start over.
ISAAC
Things look poorly, I’ll concede, but there’s a better way forward.
Before lines:
BILLY
Hey, Mr. Castle, they got ghosts here? I’m getting chills up my spine.
ISAAC
Ghosts aren’t real, Billy. It’s just a dead town.
After lines:
BILLY
Hey, Mr. Castle, they got ghosts here? I’m getting chills up my spine.
ISAAC
Ghosts aren’t real, Billy. There’s nobody here, living or dead, but us.
Before lines:
ISAAC
And on the official record, I’m not here for the money. You can have it all, for what little I care.
JAKE
That’s a lot of trouble you went to to not get any money.
After lines:
ISAAC
And on the official record, I’m not here for the money. You can have it all, for what little I care.
JAKE
What the fuck have you got me into?
Before Lines:
Isaac pulls out his locket, opens it and punches it into Jake’s chest. Jake takes it, looks down at it. Peeks out the window at Adelaide. Jake checks the locket again.
JAKE
Son of a bitch. That’s why we’re really here.
After lines:
<div>Isaac pulls out his locket,
opens it and punches it into Jake’s chest. Jake takes it, looks down at it.
Peeks out the window at Adelaide. Jake checks the locket again.</div><div>JAKE
It couldn’t have been about
money. That’d be too fucking easy.</div>
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WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 5 – Subtext Pointers
Lisa Long is great at Subtext Pointers!
My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.
What I learned from this assignment is it’s not always easy to know where and when to use the subtext pointers. But the subtext pointers enhance the audience’s experience of the story.
1. Before Lines:
MARS
If you’re okay, I’m going.
Molly shakes her head okay.
MOLLY
Thanks Mars. I’ll see you in the morning.
1. After Lines: Insinuates, that Mars was trying to commit suicide.
MARS
If you’re okay, I’m going.
MOLLY
Mars.
MARS
What?
MOLLY
Why did you give up?
MARS
What are you talking about?
MOLLY
When you were in the water. You stopped swimming.
MARS
I’ll see ya around.
2. Before Lines:
EDGAR
Come here please.
JANE
You sure about this?
EDGAR
Take it all off.
2. After Lines: Implies that Ed and Jane are closer than they let on.
EDGAR
Do your magic.
JANE
You sure you want to do this? You’ve been growing it for years.
EDGAR
I’m sure.
Jane clips off the ponytail and places it in the plastic bag Ed had ready for his locks.
JANE
This’ll make someone a nice piece.
Ed sits in silence as his identity is cut off. Jane picks up the shaver and fires it up.
JANE
You ready?
Ed shakes his head yes. Jane removes his beard and mustache too.
EDGAR
It’s only hair. Thanks.
JANE
No sweat. Enjoy your new look, sonny.
Jane pats him on the shoulder in a rare moment of affection. Ed stares at himself in the mirror.
JANE
It looks pretty good, even if I do say so myself. You look younger.
EDGAR
(pondering)
What would I do without you, Jane?
JANE
You’d probably be in a gutter somewhere.
EDGAR
No doubt.
They chuckle.
3. Before Line:
Edgar nods. April gives Edgar a quick hug. Edgar slips some cash into her hand.
APRIL
(Giving Molly a quick hug) You be good.
3. After Line: Hint that there’s something they aren’t telling Molly.
Edgar nods. April gives Edgar a quick hug. Edgar slips some cash into her hand.
APRIL
(whispers) I didn’t tell her.
Edgar looks annoyed.
APRIL
(Giving Molly a quick hug) You be good.
4. Before Line:
MARS
Molly. What are you doing here?
MOLLY
I thought we could talk.
MARS
I’m not teaching you. (reluctantly) But come in.
Molly steps in and looks around. Then she sees there’s a dance studio on the side porch of the tiny house. It’s complete with mirrors and a barre.
MARS
My mom built it years ago so that I could practice when we were here. Pretty great huh?
MOLLY
Amazing!
4. After Line: Insinuates that Mars is not there for the reason he told Molly.
MARS
Molly. What are you doing here?
MOLLY
I thought we could talk.
MARS
I’m not teaching you. (reluctantly) But come in.
Molly steps in and looks around. She notices photos of Mars and another black man on the walls and tables. But then she sees there’s a dance studio on the side porch of the tiny house and forgets about the photos. It’s complete with mirrors and a barre.
MARS
My mom built it years ago so that I could practice when we were here. Pretty great huh?
MOLLY
Amazing!
5. Before Line:
EDGAR
I can’t have you not listening to me!
MOLLY
You’re not listening to me!
EDGAR
Don’t you talk to me that way!
MOLLY
You’re not getting that I will dance for the rest of my life, and no one can stop me!
JANE
What’s going on?
5. After Line: Insinuates that Ed might toss Molly out if she doesn’t listen.
EDGAR
I can’t have you not listening to me!
MOLLY
You’re not listening to me!
EDGAR
Don’t you talk to me that way!
MOLLY
You’re not getting that I will dance for the rest of my life, and no one can stop me!
EDGAR
Do you want to join the foster care system!
MOLLY
Is that a threat?!
EDGAR
Yes!
MOLLY
If my foster parents let me dance, then yes! Put me in the system!!
Jane enters the room from the kitchen.
JANE
What’s going on?
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Subject: Monica’s is great at Sub-text Pointers
Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.
What I learned from doing this assignment is I wrote a lot of sub-text in these first drafts. Now I just have to go through with these labels and explanations and try to elevate the dialogue.
Your goal: Use Subtext Pointers in any scenes where you want the audience to experience the deeper meaning.
Make a list:
Scene 3: INT. HARRY’S OFFICE – DAY
This is where Conall comes to see Harry the first time.
They are seated at a table. The office is walls of windows.
Before:
Conall: That’s a lot of glass for a man of your reputation.
Harry: Meaning?
Conall: Meaning that with all the advanced weapons out there. You’d be standing in the afterlife and wouldn’t even know how you got there.
After Line: I actually like this original banter!
Insinuation: Harry’s a disreputable character and Conall knows it.
Harry shows Conall the artefact hooked up to a quantum computer.
Before Lines:
Conall: What is it?
Harry: It has many names. I call it the crystal ball.
Conall: What does it have to do with security?
Harry: The security of the world is at stake.
Conall: The security of the world is always at stake.
Harry: The crystal ball will benefit humanity. In the right hands.
Conall: You mean your hands.
After Lines:
Conall: What is it?
Harry: I call it the crystal ball.
Conall: What do you want me to do about it?
Harry: Recover it.
Conall: And then what? Give it to you?
Harry: I’ll see that it benefits humanity.
Conall: In what way?
Harry: The security of the world is at stake.
Conall: And it will continue to be at stake.
Implication: Even with the artefact, in Harry’s hands, the security of the world will still be at stake.
Conall and Jay are driving to the security office (this is after Conall takes the mission and his family has died in the fire).
Before Lines:
Jay turns back toward the passing landscape.
CONALL: This can do one of two ways. You can either help me or…
JAY: Or you’ll kill me?
CONALL: No. But I can make your life uncomfortable.
JAY: It’s already uncomfortable.
CONALL: What does that mean?
Jay silently shakes his head.
After Lines: I like this dialogue. I tried to elevate it but to no avail.
Sarcasm/Allusion: Sarcasm because Jay challenges Conall about killing him. Allusion because his life on Earth is already uncomfortable.
Before Lines:
Scene 14: Jay is taking Conall to where he hid the artefact after he stole it.
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. They always seem to know what you’re thinking.
Conall: I feel that same way about cats.
After Lines:
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. Always so needy.
Conall: That’s because they love unconditionally. What about cats?
Jay: Cats? I haven’t met a cat.
Conall: Cats always seem to know what you’re thinking. They tolerate their family.
Jay: Is that so?
Conall: Like you tolerate us.
Metaphor: I tried to set up a metaphor here. Conall tries to liken Jay to a cat, knows what you’re thinking, and tolerates its family. I’ll have to think on it more.
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MODULE EIGHT LESSON FIVE
FRAN’S GREAT SUBTEXT POINTERS
WHAT I LEARNED: It’s a bit ironic, while subbing for English classes on and off these past few months, I’ve been relearning all about these literary devices and how they work in a story. We just went through Midterms, and I read a couple of passages to a young woman who needed a reader. And to my amazement, this one passage really spoke to this particular assignment. The author had talked about his Native American heritage and how the white man had despoiled this land and his culture for him. It was haunting. Many things he alluded to I could appreciate and understand because of where I live. I am surrounded by Native American history here in the Finger Lakes. Especially, the Leatherstocking Tales. My favorite Daniel Day Lewis movie is Last of the Mohicans. It really spoke to me without saying it outright. It was a lesson in itself.
MY VISION: I want to write great movies. Movies that are magical, movies that move people and tell the truth. I want to write movies that stars will want to be in.
THE HOOK:
EXT. ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA – DAY
1718. Alexei, Peter the Great’s son, branded a traitor, is near death. Starved, beaten by this father’s own hand. He is branded a traitor and now must face his demise.
In his son’s last hours on the earth, his son tied to a post in the street, Peter tries to wrangle a confession out of him. And to renounce his birthright to the throne. Bleeding, in pain, Alexei refuses to do either.
PETER
CONFESS!
ALEXEI
Go to hell.
PETER
How could I have ever believed that you would
follow in my footsteps—as the next czar of my empire?
ALEXEI
You want a confession.—Here is my confession.
When I am czar, I shall bring back the old people and choose
myself new ones to my will; when I become sovereign, I shall
live in Moscow and leave Saint Petersburg simply as any other
town. I won’t launch any ships. I shall maintain troops only for
defense. And I won’t make war on anyone. I shall be content
with the old domain. In winter I shall live in Moscow and in
summer in Laroslavl.”
PETER
It takes more than issuing edicts and throwing dinner parties.
Alexei
It takes more than waging war and passing harsh sentences– and bellowing out orders to your subordinates—which I would not follow anyway.
PETER
I did not raise my son to be a coward.
ALEXEI
Of course. I’m certain you blame Mother.
PETER
And I did not raise you to be a traitor. You will renounce your
title—step aside—and give it to your son.
ALEXEI
A child—no more than a babe in a cradle. Ruling Russia. (laughs)
And just who do you propose will rule in his stead while he’s busy
growing up—to becoming a man? Who will teach him? YOU?
PETER
You will not speak to your father or your emperor in that manner!
ALEXEI
(scoffs)
My father. The emperor of all the Russias.
PETER
RENOUNCE YOUR TITLE!
ALEXEI
Go to hell! I would rather listen to his mother’s words of wisdom.
Than yours. You blame her for everything anyway.
PETER
You have disgraced the Romanov name. My legacy.
ALEXEI
You. Who has ruled over nothing, but war after war. Over land that
doesn’t belong to you.
Perhaps it is you who should step down. And let a real man rule.
–Or should I say woman?
PETER
It will take an edict of Heaven for a woman to rule in my place.
ALEXEI
So be it then, Father. God. Grant me, this, my last request. That one day
when my father is gone, a woman shall rule over this sovereign land
—(looks at Peter) And be greater than you!
PETER
GUARDS! TAKE MY SON TO HIS CELL. NOW!
(as they drag Alexei off)
ALEXEI
(shouting)
AMEN!
PETER
We shall see who is to rule after me!
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I’m wondering when Module 9 (Create a Complete Marketing Campaign for Your Script!) will open up.
Also some FINAL WORDSMITHING TIPS that help me beyond spell check:
1. Print out the script and read it hard copy
2. Use SPEECH CONTROL that reads it out to you. On FINAL DRAFT, it is under “Tools.” You can assign various male and female voices to your characters. You’d be surprised how many mistakes I find that way, in addition to things that need tweaking.
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Dave is great at subtext pointers
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this lesson is that injecting subtext pointers gives greater depth and gets the reader thinking about the implications with interest and speculation.
Example #1: Sarcasm
The passengers voice fear, confusion and dismay.
PILOT
Those planes you see on both sides of us have been sent to make sure we land in New York. Passengers wishing to return to London will receive tickets at no cost.
The passengers groan. Nigel looks incredulous.
NIGEL
It’s three thousand bloody miles to the west coast.
ROGER
And most of it’s swampland, I’d wager.
Example #2: Metaphor
They pass a sterile, four-story building that appears to contain rows of apartments. The “W” is written in red paint on the walls. Policemen are stationed around the building.
HAL
Workers’ housing.
ROGER
What are all the damned cops for?
HAL
To keep the workers in line.
Nigel speaks in a tone of amazement.
NIGEL
Like they’ve gone back to the Industrial Revolution.
Example #3: Insinuation
They’re silent for a moment.
NIGEL
After Wall Street collapsed, what did they build in its place?
The driver smiles faintly.
DRIVER
An amusement park.
Nigel chuckles.
Example #4: Allusion
The Native man leads them into a grove of trees. He takes the suitcases from Roger and Nigel and lays them in the tall grass beside a tree. He picks up five rifles from the grass.
He hands rifles to each of them. Nigel takes one uneasily. As they begin walking again, Notah speaks to Roger.
NOTAH
We’re not hoping to fight the hunters. But they must respect our right to our land.
JIM
If they can come into Tribal after the buffalo, they’ll come in for other things. And finally, our land will be gone.
Roger’s voice is soft.
ROGER
That’s what happened, wasn’t it.
Example 5: Implication
AMELIA
The tribes knew they’d have to fight. The hunters think this is still America, and they own it all.
Nigel’s tone grows softer as he remembers the battle.
NIGEL
I’ll never forget seeing them fall on both sides and hearing them cry out.
ROGER
Hasn’t been much progress here in 400 years.
Amelia shakes her head in sorrow.
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Erin Ziccarelli is great at Subtext Pointers!
Vision: I am creating profound scripts that leave audiences remembering my movies and leave me excited to keep writing and moving up in the industry.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: different ways that using subtext pointers can point to underlying meaning. The challenge in this lesson was finding the right balance between being cryptic and being clear – I want to intrigue the audience, but not confuse them!
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>4. Make a list of your 5 favorite Subtext Pointer changes and for each one, tell us:
Metaphor: Alex comparing himself to an old car that’s of no use.
Before lines: I shouldn’t be here. I’ve
lost hope.
After lines: I
had this car – a Peugeot. It was old, rusted, breaking down. One
night, I ran it into a ditch. They shipped it off to a junkyard. I’m
just saying I can tell when something’s beyond saving.Implication: Roger implying that he will find out the truth behind the conservatorship
Before lines: I’ll start
my own investigation.· After lines: There’s a lot I didn’t know. A lot I still don’t understand. A lot I can find out.
Insinuation: Richard insinuating that Scarlett gave Alex information.
· Before lines: You tipped him off.
· After lines:
Richard: Why did you go to work for him?
Scarlett: It was just a job.
Richard: It was more than a job.
Hint that Scarlett knows Alex is hiding something
· Before lines: You’re hiding something.
· After lines: I know base dealing when I see it.
Metaphor: Alex and Roger’s metaphors for the night of the Dunbar sale
· Before lines: You went back to the old life!
· After lines:
Alex: Why are you here?
Roger: Still playing the game.
Alex: I don’t know who’s going to win.
Roger: Soon as I go, I’m making a call. I hope tonight you find yourself on the right side of the harbor.
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<div>WIM2 – Dana is great a Subtext Pointers</div><div>
My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.
</div>
What I learned from doing this assignment?
I understood the importance of subtext in script, but this assignment gave me more innovative methods and ideas how to improve subtext.
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The scene below between my protagonist, Ruth, and her younger sister, Diana, takes place after Ruth has left her lover’s bed and before she’s kidnapped by the antagonist. Unbeknownst to Ruth, her sister is plotting to kidnap and kill Ruth to take over her life. In this scene, Diana is waiting for Ruth to arrive for their scheduled dinner in an upscale restaurant.
DIANA
You’re late.RUTH
You should be used to that by now, sister, dear. You’ve only known me your whole life.IMPLICATION: Ruth lives life by her own rules without too much concern for her younger sister.
Ruth slides into the booth opposite Diana, and the waiter hands her a menu.
WAITER
Would you care for something to drink, Mrs. Griffin?RUTH
Gin martini. Onions.DIANA
And another for me.HINT: Diana order another drink to calm her nerves.
WAITER
Right away, Ms. Talbott.The waiter leaves. Diana checks him out when he walks away.
RUTH
Can you be a little more obvious, Diana? I don’t think he saw you.DIANA
You’re one to complain. If you’re going to use me as your excuse, the least you could do is be on time.IMPLICATION: Ruth is having an affair and uses Diana to cover for her.
RUTH
Don’t worry. I won’t need you as an excuse anymore.HINT: The affair is coming to an end.
DIANA
Mystery man not ringing your bell?INSINUATION: Diana knows about the affair but doesn’t know who.
RUTH
I’ve decided to file for divorce.This news is serious. Diana puts down her martini.
DIANA
From Henry? Why?RUTH
I’m tired of the charade. I know he’s seeing someone. And my doing the same doesn’t make us even. It makes life worse.DIANA
Do you know who he’s seeing?RUTH
Someone in our circle. Beyond that, I don’t care. I just want out.DIANA
What about the campaign? A divorce may hurt his reelection.RUTH
I’ll wait until after the election. I’d rather he lives in Washington than live near me. He’ll be happier screwing interns, anyway.INSINUATION: Ruth’s husband cheats on her a lot.
DIANA
You’ll be giving up the DC life.RUTH
Bunch of vipers. They smile in your face and stab you in the back. I’ll be glad to put that city in my rearview.DIANA
You say that now. But wait until we’re Nancy Pelosi’s age and we’re chasing our friends’ grandsons.INSINUATION: They’re both getting older
RUTH
Money, sex and power. Is that all you care about?DIANA
What else is there?HINT: Diana loves money and status.
RUTH
If you’re so pro marriage, why did you divorce David?DIANA
Please. If I had your lifestyle, I wouldn’t care if David was cheating on me with Caitlyn Jenner. At least he would have shown an interest in sex. He was as flaccid as a rotten banana.
(she eats her olive)
When do you plan to tell Henry?INSINUATION: Diana covets Ruth’s life.
METAPHOR: Diana’s ex-husband was sexually weak.
RUTH
Tonight. Maybe tomorrow.DIANA
How will he take the news?RUTH
How do you think? His standard of living is about to drop.IMPLICATION: Ruth has money, not her husband.
DIANA
Would it matter if I said I think you’re being stupid?RUTH
No. But I’m sure you’re dying to tell me why.SASRCASM: Diana is opinionated.
DIANA
So what if Henry has affairs? Dad had his women, and mom didn’t care. She enjoyed her separate life and all the spoils that went with it.IMPLICATION: Diana only cares about money.
RUTH
Dad’s women were an open secret. Mom just pretended not to care. But his affairs cut her deep.DIANA
Nothing a trip to Monte Carlo couldn’t cure. Mom was no angel. Remember Rodrigo?SARCASM: Diana didn’t respect her parents.
The waiter returns with their martinis, then leaves.
RUTH
I remember. And I don’t care. I want to be happy.DIANA
Happiness is overrated. If I had your life, I’d wallow in the DC decadence and abuse my husband’s power.IMPLICATION: Diana not only covets Ruth’s life, but she’d also abuse her privileges.
RUTH
Well, when I divorce Henry, you can have him. How about that?IMPLICATION: Ruth suspects Diana is jealous of her life.
Ruth lifts her drink.
RUTH
To our friends’ grandsons.Diana joins her sister but offers a toast of her own.
DIANA
To mumsy and dadsy and the Talbott family trust. Without them, we’d be stuck with boring, flaccid husbands.HINT: They share family wealth.
RUTH – CLOSE
She toasts and drinks.
CUT TO BLACK:
Next Scene: Ruth wakes up in the smelting ladle of an abandoned steel mill.
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WIM Module 8 Lesson 5
Genre: Thriller.
Title: “Death Voice”
Joel Stern is great at Subtext Pointers!
My Vision: To write eight screenplays that eventually become Hollywood blockbusters (and to get a speaking line in at least one of them).
What I learned from this assignment: Using Metaphors, implications, insinuation, sarcasm and allusion to get the audience to understand the subtext of a scene.
Jim “Ace” McCarthy, a WWII medal winner is having a nightmare of a time readjusting to civilian life in his hometown of Las Vegas.
Within months of his return, his young wife dies of cancer and he’s left a young widower with his young son stricken with Polio.
After racking up large losses at a casino, Jim begins to get life threatening phone calls from a mobster who calls himself “Sal”. Sal (who we never see) gives Jim ten days to pay back his debt or he’ll kill Jim’s son Steven. A series of never ending calls from Sal has Jim on the verge of losing his mind.
Jim befriends Carol, a woman who claims to be an investigative reporter who offers to help Jim uncover Sal. But after several of Jim’s irrational actions, Carol disappears. Weeks later she reappears and apologizes for her ghosting him.
In Jim’s kitchen his wall phone lies on the floor. He ripped it out after one of Sal’s calls.
In this scene, I changed Carol’s “Well, you have quite a temper” to “I’m glad I’m not a telephone.”
I also added Jim answering her with silence instead of, “Yeah, losing Jane and getting threatening phone calls from a psychopath will do that.”
INT. JIM’S KITCHEN – LATER
Jim reattaches the phone to the wall. Carol sips coffee.
CAROL
I’m glad I’m not a telephone.
Jim’s silent.
CAROL
Look, I’m sorry I disappeared, but it’s only been two months since my husband left and —
JIM
Right.
Job done. He joins her at the table. He lights a cigarette, blows smoke to the side.
JIM
How about we start with you telling me who you really are.
She nods.
CAROL
My real name’s Marie LaPointe.
JIM
French.
He studies her with suspicion.
CAROL
I came here after the war for a better life. Most of my family… were murdered by the Bosch.
CAROL FLASHBACK:
Twenty civilians are lined up against a wall and shot.
RETURN TO SCENE:
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Jim’s moved.
CAROL
(deep exhale)
I spoke with my FBI contact and he said he’ll know more about Sal later this week.
JIM
So, you really are a reporter.
CAROL
Freelance.
He puts out his cigarette and leaves. He returns with a family picture of him, Jane and Steven.
CAROL
Such a beautiful family.
JIM
Turn it over.
The FBI number Jane scribbled is on the back.
CAROL
May I?
He nods. She picks up the phone.
CAROL
There’s no dial tone, Jim.
JIM
Must be a loose wire.
Tense silence.
In another scene, Jim — now a hot TV Crime Reporter — goes to his News Director’s office only to find his old boss back behind the desk.
I changed Casey saying, “You’re only an hour late” to: “You’re getting better, you’re now only an hour late”. This shows Jim has been habitually late — a hint of his underlying mental disorder:
INT. CHANNEL THREE NEWSROOM – DAY
Jim passes Phil’s desk.
PHIL
Casey wants to see you.
JIM
Casey?
Casey’s on the phone in his office.
INT. CASEY’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Casey hangs up. Jim enters.
CASEY
You’re getting better. Now you’re only an hour late.
JIM
I thought you left!
CASEY
And the skiing was incredible. Jenny and the kids —
JIM
No, I mean —
Reporter LEE, (34) knocks on the open door.
LEE
They ID’d the stiff at the morgue.
CASEY
(to Jim)
Headless male, 60s. Go get it.
Fred merges with Jim and they fast-walk through the newsroom.
JIM
Who bumped off Karl?
FRED
Who?
JIM
Karl. Hitler’s buddy. Our new boss, asshole!
FRED
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JIM
Our Kraut boss who was killed in the garage!
FRED
Jeez, if anybody was killed in our garage I’d sure know about it.
Jim stops, braces himself against a chair. The room spins.
FRED
Jim — Jim!
In the following scene, Jim is arrested for the decapitation murder of his father, Hugh. Lead Detective AL went AWOL during the Battle of the Bulge. He was crying like a baby when Jim found him alone in the corner of a wrecked French farmhouse. Now they sit opposite each other in Al’s office. I changed silence to Jim saying, “Like they say, ‘The good ones die young’. This insinuates that AL, the lone survivor in the picture wasn’t one of the good ones.
POLICE STATION – DAY
A PICTURE of Al and a few war buddies at boot camp.
Al’s at his desk, Jim sits across.
JIM
(re: photo)
Happier times.
AL
Not for them.
JIM
Like they say, ‘The good ones die young’.
The jab doesn’t win any points.
JIM
Let me ask you something.
AL
I’ll do the asking.
JIM
The Bulge. How did a fucking coward like you end up a detective?
Al fumes.
JIM
I mean, a sniveling little bitch crying like a baby when our lives were on the line somehow becomes a Detective.
AL
I’ll tell you how — by locking up psychopaths like you. The ball field. Why were you there?
Beat.
JIM
I was looking for my wedding ring.
AL
Bullshit.
JIM
Okay… I was there to meet —
AL
Sal.
JIM
Yeah. Sal.
Al tilts back in his squeaky chair.
AL
When’s the last time this Sal character called?
Jim closes his eyes, thinks hard.
JIM
Tuesday at nine. I was putting my son to bed.
AL
Tuesday, huh.
Al stands, hands in his pockets and looks through the blinds.
AL
Your phone was shut off for the past three weeks.
JIM
(scoffs)
Shut off. What do you take me for?
Al tosses him a phone company warning of service termination. Jim reads with disbelief.
JIM
Why, this can’t be! He agreed to meet me at Mountain View!
AL
And what were you planning to do?
JIM FLASHBACK:
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
Jim fondles a gun in his pocket.
RETURN TO SCENE:
INT. POLICE STATION – CONTINUOUS
JIM
To convince him to stop threatening me and my kid if I don’t pay up!
AL
And how much do you owe this Sal?
Jim dabs his face.
JIM
F– five grand.
AL
Lotta money to lose in one night.
JIM
Whaddya mean one night?
AL
The only time you were there was on July 18th from approximately 7:45 to 10:25 pm.
Jim bolts out of his chair.
JIM
That’s nuts I tell ‘ya! I gambled there at least ten times and each time they gave me unlimited credit!
AL
Sit your ass down.
(calls out)
Hey, Jerry!
Jerry, the casino manager enters.
AL
Jerry, do you know this guy?
JERRY
Sure do Al. He’s Jim McCarthy.
AL
How do you know him?
JERRY
Poker player. Dropped five grand and quit around 10:30.
AL
Did you see him at any time before or after the eighteenth?
JERRY
No.
Enraged, Jim shoves Jerry into the wall.
JIM
You’re a damn liar!
JERRY
Whoa, whoa…
Al steps between them.
AL
That’s all. Thanks Jerry.
JERRY
Sure thing, Al.
Jerry gives Jim a dirty look and leaves.
Jim sits. Al skims a report.
AL
Seems you really hated your old man.
JIM
I wouldn’t use the word hate.
AL
What would ‘ya use?
JIM
Despise.
Al leans in.
AL
You cut off his head and dumped his body at the ball field like a fucking animal.
JIM
No, ‘ya got it all wrong!
AL
Why the ballpark? Something happened there.
Doubled over, Jim runs his hands through his hair.
JIM
I, I…
AL
Yeah, I thought so.
(calls out)
Harry!
Officer HARRY, (47) enters.
AL
He’s all yours.
HARRY
(to Jim)
Let’s go, pal.
Harry leads Jim out.
-
Andrew Boyd loves Subtext Pointers
Vision: For Hitler’s Choirboys to be such a compelling screenplay that Spielberg and Gibson will battle it out to produce their most powerful WW2 drama since Hacksaw Ridge or Schindler’s List.
What I learned from doing this assignment: There was already a lot of subtext in this, but going through one more time, I have managed to add five more lines, which strengthens the screenplay.
Subtext enriches a piece by making the characters seem more knowing, and making the audience work for clues. It’s like the bassline in a piece of music, you might not notice it’s there, but you’d really miss it if it wasn’t.
List of five subtext pointer changes (sorry formatting has been stripped out):
Added subtext is underlined.
Act 1 P5
HENRY
If I can’t help my own boys, least I can do is look after these guys.
GEORGE
Head on home, Henry. Your wife needs you, too.
HENRY
Not sure she’d see it that way.
GEORGE
Still mad at you? Don’t worry, Henry, that’s love, Time to worry is when they stop hitting you.
Implication 1: Henry is carrying a weight of guilt.
Implication 2: He thinks his marriage is in trouble. We wonder why.
Act 1 p20
Context: Sam berates a pastor who is addressing Germans at Dachau
SAM
(Speech slurring)
Where the hell were you? Standing in some pulpit praying for your beloved Führer?
Allusion: You did nothing to stop this. In fact, you were part of the problem.
Act 2 p33
SAM
Henry, about Dachau…
HENRY
Skip it.
SAM
Did you…
HENRY
Would I?
SAM
(Relaxes)
Thanks.
Implication: Henry would not betray his friend who he treats like a son.
Act 3, P86
Context: Military intelligence are trying to get Chaplain Henry Gerecke to spy on the Nazis during the Nuremberg trial. It’s a conflict of duty.
EXT. TOWARDS THE PALACE OF JUSTICE – DAY
Burnt out CARS, TANKS, public buildings. They pass through a devastated children’s PLAYGROUND.
GUS
Speer realised Germany could never match the Allies for planes, ships and tanks. Did the math, worked out the war was lost – and told Hitler to quit while he still could.
HENRY
Bet that went down well.
GUS
Yeah. Führer called him a traitor. Told Speer the German people were weak and deserved to die. Destroy it all – industry, transport, communications! If the Führer has to go down, all Germany can go down with him. That’s all too much for Speer, who finally finds his cojones. So he tells us. Watch how he plays it in court tomorrow. By the way, Col Andrus wants to know what intel you’re gleaning from the Nazis.
HENRY
I’m a chaplain, Gus, not a spy.
GUS
I know, I know. But like they say: ‘The more we know the faster the war will end’.
HENRY
The war has ended, Gus.
GUS
You think? Somebody better tell the Russkies.
Implication 1: Warriors on both sides want the war to go on forever.
Implication 2: The 2<sup>nd</sup> World War has given way to the Cold War.
Act 3 p103
GOERING
This… communion of yours, this bread, this wine that mean so much to you. Tell me more, just in case there is anything in this… business of yours.
Henry stares. Caught in a moment of unexpected hope. Then reluctantly shakes his head.
HENRY
You think I’m the man from the Prudential? I see no regret. No remorse. Not even a glimmer of faith! You deny Christ. You refuse to accept him as your Savior! So how the… How could I possibly commune you?
Henry breaks away, clutching his jaw. Impasse. He lowers his head and plays his last remaining card.
HENRY
Your little daughter, Edda – remember what she said?
He nods towards the painting. Goering’s eyes follow. Beneath the picture, Edda’s writing: Daddy is flying to heaven, where I will see him again.
HENRY
She’s praying to meet you in heaven.
Goering stares back at Henry, his eyes glittering.
GOERING
Well, if you refuse to commune me, Pastor, my daughter and I will just have to take our chances.
Allusion: Goering is cynically looking for an insurance policy.
Insinuation: If the Chaplain refuses to give him communion, he will be hurting his little daughter, too.
Another helpful assignment, supported by strong examples. Thank you.
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