Lesson 5

[Lenore]

WIM Module 8: Lesson 5

Lenore Bechtel is great at Subtext Pointers

My vision: I want to create enough salable screenplays that an agent will want to market my work and recommend me for writing assignments.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that my title for this assignment is probably a lie.

I found many places to use metaphors and similes, but they are not necessarily subtext pointers. Nevertheless, I do believe they improved the dialogue. Here are ten of them.

Before:

Why, you might ask?

After:

Why, you might ask, is getting to Berlin tomorrow as crucial to me as the oxygen that gives me life?

Before:

FREIDA

Was that all an act?

ALLISON

The situation demanded it.

After:

FREIDA

Was that all an act?

ALLISON

The situation demanded it.

LIBBY

Of course, that violin sticks to you like a refrigerator magnet.

ALLISON

Thanks for understanding.

Before:

I’d seen the Major only four times in my life, but I didn’t care.

After:

I’d seen the Major only four times in my life, but I hadn’t suffered scars of separation.

Before:

ALLISON

I’ll sleep with it right here in my lap. I don’t part with my violin.

LIBBY

You made that clear. You can lay it flat, if you want.

After:

I’ll sleep with it right here in my lap. I don’t part with my violin.

LIBBY

You made that clear as cellophane. You can lay it flat, if you want.

Before:

LIBBY

I told the Major I was going whether he approved or not, he insisted on coming with me.

After:

LIBBY

I told the Major I was going whether he approved or not, but he and Marilyn and Stephanie came too, like a wolf pack protecting this pup.

Before:

I agree with Allison. You shouldn’t have left him because of an earthquake.

After:

I think you’re finding it hard to swallow a teaspoon of regret. I think you’re thinking you shouldn’t have left him because of an earthquake.

Before:

FREIDA

Now in United States, I a criminal and can’t go back, or I go to jail.

LIBBY

Yes you can. And to clear your conscience, you can pay max for the pendant.

After:

Now in United States, I a criminal and can’t go back, or I go to jail.

LIBBY

Yes you can. You’ve been drowning in the blood of misconduct, which was truly only misdirection. And to clear your conscience, you can pay Max for the pendant.

Before:

ALLISON

I knew you were bright. But pediatrics surprises me.

LIBBY

I hoped that field would provide a vicarious motherhood experience, the one that I’d missed. Deciding not to mother Stuart was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

After:

ALLISON

I knew you were bright. But pediatrics surprises me.

LIBBY

I hoped that field would provide a vicarious motherhood experience, the one that I’d missed. I was a kangaroo deprived of her joey. Deciding not to mother Stuart was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

Before:

ALLISON

I’m not going to explore. I’m going only to the Louvre.

LIBBY

Even child prodigies make dumb decisions.

After:

ALLISON

I’m not going to explore. I’m going only to the Louvre.

LIBBY

Even child prodigies make decisions dumb as a doorknob on a tree that’s not hollow.

Before:

FREIDA

So that what this all ‘bout.

LIBBY

Listen! This child is more talented than a rainbow paletted painter. She’s a genius.

Before:

LIBBY

You’ll will enhance our reunion. We must get to our spot.

STUART

(amused)

The spot where I was conceived?

After:

LIBBY

You’ll will enhance our reunion– an eaglet awaiting its bald eagle. We must get to our spot.

STUART

(amused)

The spot where the eagle’s sperm connected with yours and I was conceived?

[Margaret]

Margaret is great at Subtext Pointers

Vison: To be the best faith-based writer

What I learned: I had many opportunities to turn on the nose dialogue into subtext pointers.

Five lines I changed:

· Where is my brother? – changed to: What have you done with my brother (implication)

· My brother will not be joining you. Ever. – changed to: Save your bait for another fish. (metaphor)

· It will open. The otherworld will be freed to come and serve me. – changed to: You doubt my ability? Or perhaps you fear they will serve me to keep you in your place? (Insinuation)

· Your queen? changed to – Ah, my loyal subject! (Sarcasm)

· But can I trust you? Changed to – But your loyalty is like the waves of the sea. (Metaphor)

[Lloyd Shellenberger]

Working hard every day to become the best writer I can be and as a result I do become the best writer in Hollywood.

What I learned from this assignment is to create subtext and further move away from writing on the nose. This is a bad habit I have worked hard to get rid of.

Lloyd is great at Subtext Pointers!

SUBTEXT POINTER METHODS

• Metaphor. Before not written. After: Reese compares himself to a false profit. Delaney says you can only be a false profit. Reese replies exactly! This alludes to the State Departments non-responsive visa policies.
• Implication That Reese had changed forever with his responses.
• Insinuation Before. Arnie threatens Reese with a phone call. After: Arnie suggest Reese will fail, die, or succeed with his plans.
• Hint The Shiek refers to Hammad as a Patriot but that is not what he means. He hints that Qasim knows of him. New scene.
• Sarcasm Reese I feel empowered! Doc Really! No, not really!
• Allusion: Reese alludes to the death of Anna, Hammad, and Ebel as the norm. The Commander reminds him to get with the program and work the system rather than letting the system work him.

[Brian Bull]

BRIAN BULL is great at Subtext Pointers

VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
When you have perfected your script believe it when I say, “you can always go a little deeper.”

The ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale
A fisherman is determined to catch the fish he blames for his younger brother’s death, however, in the end, it turns out the fisherman is the one who had gotten away.

ASSIGNMENT
Your goal: Use Subtext Pointers in any scenes where you want the audience to experience the deeper meaning..

4. Make a list of your 5 favorite Subtext Pointer changes and for each one, tell us:

I made the changes as I was going through my script and I forgot to save the changes. I made quite a few. It was fun especially since I thought my dialogue was spot on and then to make these changes I feel I just elevated my script some – made it that much better.