Lesson 5 Assignment

[Jeff Chase]

Subject Line: Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Elevated Dialogue

My vision: I am an “A” list writer who is known for high concept ideas, great execution, a string of successful movies and is always ready to share his knowledge and do what he can to help another writer on the way up.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: How important it is to do individual passes through my script and focus on only ONE area at a time. I thought my dialogue was perfect. Then I did this pass.

PS… I received a Recommend on Shards on December 15. 😊

Title: Shards

Genre: Psychological Suspense Thriller

High Concept Logline: A young, pottery restoration expert with no memory of her childhood pieces together a dark past to discover her hypnotherapist’s ties to her father’s murder and a Conquistador treasure.

Lines rewritten for Sarah: 1

Guess I’m afraid to learn about… bad things I might have done.

Lines rewritten for March: 3

Which only reminds me that none of the stuff I own is as important as owning who I really am.

The guilt you feel about your father’s death…this is something important you’ll need to address when you find a therapist who –

I had become a different man. Had a good life. I didn’t want to do it. But I saw that PBS show, learned you were alive…and felt something inside me I thought was long dead.

Lines rewritten for Johnny: 3

Sure like to be fly on that wall.

He was talking to a dust devil.

Oh, Tomas. You’re putting your dick in way too many bad places.

[Tom Wilson]

ET SEEDS – Feature – Drama with Thriller Elements

Tom’s Elevated Dialogue

My Vision: I come up with brilliant ideas when working on a project with a producer.

Doing this Assignment, I learned it’s fun to improve each principal characters’ lines one at a time.

I rewrote dozens of lines for the two principals. Here are some favorites:

Protagonist Phil:

Raising John’s Job #1. Only when
he’s ready to launch you ease up. Capiche?

Give him enough rope. He might just hang himself.

Too much. Nothing. I ain’t selling.

Antagonist Randy:

Did you forget your gunsel?

You aren’t a Russki?

Fix it now. Capiche?

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Elevated Dialog

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is it can be fun to use creativity change the passive generic lines into something more interesting and in character. Also, even the lines you consider good can be even better with a few dramatic changes.

I rewrote 14 dialogs for Ragman, Four for Albert, and six for Ludie. I still need to finish Bucholz.

Ragman favorites:

Not sure. If miners at the captive mines join Lewis’s strike, the big steel companies might consider it an act of war. I fought my war and done with conflict and killing.

2. Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen? Yes, the priest said his blessing and all the good Catholics went through all the holy baloney rituals on cue; but, joke’s on them. Shit, the joke’s on the whole damn world. This is all there is.

3. Where in hell is the God damned union. They’ve done shit since we’ve been to see Murray. It’s the union’s responsibility, not ours. Get the message, Al; Lewis called the strike, abandoned us, and broke his promise to provide food, shelter, and clothing. You can’t do their work for them.

[Andrew Kelm]

Andrew Kelm’s Elevated Dialogue

Vision: I am going to do whatever it takes to be a great writer of TV and movies who is sought after by people I respect within the industry and has multiple successful TV series produced.

What I learned doing this assignment is… There are huge gains to be made by going through the script with this focus. I went through the script a few times from different characters’ points of view, and I feel like there is still more to get. This is really an important key.

FATEMONGERS; a psychic with a blind spot for abusive men uses subtle manipulations to murder a sexual predator who seduces her to get to her sons.

I made a lot of changes in the scene where the main character is introduced, so the opening lines of that are my example:

INT. DAPHNE’S KITCHEN – DAY

Boxes are being broken down — the final stage of moving in.

Hands hang a spirit catcher in the window above the sink.

DAPHNE (28) has the eyes of an old soul and an irreverent wit. She is charming and brutally honest.

DAPHNE

Once you’re clear about what you want, the universe will provide it. Getting clear is the hard part.

TERRY (36), a gay hair stylist, finishes breaking down the last box.

TERRY

What do you want, Daphne?

DAPHNE

I want to move out of the apartment above my mother’s hair salon.

TERRY

You’re not even moved in yet.

DAPHNE

And I’m not going to be here long.

TERRY

Your mom’s a good person.

DAPHNE

I know. She’s just so controlling, I can’t be an adult around her.

TERRY

She really wants the best for you.

DAPHNE

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful. No more retail! This will give me a chance to establish my practice.

TERRY

And recover.

DAPHNE

From what? Ed was a prick. I’m glad he’s gone.

Rewrite:

INT. DAPHNE’S KITCHEN – DAY

Boxes are being broken down — the final stage of moving in.

Hands hang a spirit catcher in the window above the sink.

DAPHNE (28) has the eyes of an old soul and an irreverent wit. She is charming and brutally honest.

DAPHNE

You’ve got to get clear about want you want. That’s the hardest part. Once you’re clear, the universe will provide it.

TERRY (36), a gay hair stylist, finishes breaking down the last box.

TERRY

Is now the part where you ask me to send money?

DAPHNE

Don’t get used to me being here, ‘cause it ain’t going to be for long.

TERRY

Do I have to help when you move out, too?

DAPHNE

No.

TERRY

I’ll help! Damn, Girl! You need to relax.

DAPHNE

I’ll relax when I’m dead.

TERRY

Ed’s only been gone for —

DAPHNE

Ed was a prick. I’m glad he’s dead. Time to move on.

[Eclipse Neilson]

Eclipse Neilson Elevated Dialogue

THE NUN AND THE WITCH : SCI-FI/MYSTICAL DRAMA

VISION: I want to be a great award-winning writer, known for my genre, who creates the most beautiful films that inspire others to feel deeply, pause, and ponder ways to make the world a better place as I make happy money to continue my career.

Concept: A dedicated nun destined to become a saint in this lifetime, bonds with her beloved soulmate – the village witch to help battle the evils of hatred consuming the heart of humanity, only to discover that time is running out and hell has permeated their village.

I love going through the script one character at time.

I tweaked quite a few sentences. I post some of them with back and forth dialogue

SAMPLE ELEVATED LINES AND DIALOGUE

1.THE COUNCIL OF UNIVERSAL BEINGS LEADER 1

You only have a very short portal of time to succeed, to shift this divide – this quake in the heart of your species. Remember it takes just one moment in time to begin the beginning of the great change -one moment.

He gives Lunea a star map that is inscribed on a transparent tablet.

THE COUNCIL LEADER

Become that moment in time.

2.LUNEA

Perhaps our lifetimes together are simply holographic reflections of our soul’s journey.

3. LUNEA

I can’t think of anything worst than a mother looking at her child knowing she is leaving forever.

4.SISTER ANNE

It is strange, but I can feel your truth as if my heart knows what my mind can’t understand.

5.FATHER SINCLAIR

You know I arrived here in this town, when I was about your age. In those days things were different – the people talked a lot about love and peace and flowers.

(chuckles)

I suppose we could have called them Hippie Christians.

6. LUNEA

(chuckles)

My dear friend, do you ever rebel?

Sister Anne stares at the mare and then at Lunea. Bows her head in shame. Grins. Peers up at Lunea.

SISTER ANNE

Pistachios.

Lunea makes an inquisitive face.

LUNEA

Pistachios?

Sister Anne smirks and nods yes. Leans over and whispers.

SISTER ANNE

I eat them in church it’s my before breakfast snack and my breaking the rules I suppose or my addiction.

7.LUNEA (CONT’D)

I held her but what can a mother do? Bombs … sirens … screams… and then the dreaded wails for the dead.

Lunea has a silent heart broken look. Sister Anne feels Lunea’s pain and begins to tear up.

LUNEA (CONT’D)

(voice breaks)

I was a mother who didn’t know which way to go to save her child.

(yells)

Damn it! I didn’t know which way in that moment where to run with my child’s hand in mine…

[CJ Knapp]

CJ Elevated Dialogue:

Vision: I am a confident and empowered writer who embraces challenges and changes and writes produced highly sought-after projects with fresh and exciting ideas.

WIL: Going through this – it is fun to see how you can change a location and add more quality as well as showing the traits of the serial killer instead of explaining them.

Title: MEMORY HUNTERS

Concept:

In a future with technology to retrieve memories, a Memory Hunter, caught in the mind of a psychopath struggles to find a way out before he destroys her mind and kills her.

ASSIGNMENT

Follow these steps to rewrite any generic lines from your lead characters.

Select a lead character. – Mya Ortega and Catherine Pull out their character profile and read it. – checkGo to the first dialogue line for this character. Read it. – checkAsk, “Could that line be said by anyone else?” – absolutely – my first draft seems to always be OTN and cliché’sIf so, using that character’s profile, brainstorm other possible ways to say the line. Rewrite it, then move to the next line by this character.

Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character and give us three of your favorites just for fun.

– A lot of the lines for my protagonist, antagonist as well as supporting characters – Terry and Freddie

Examples:

Mya was initially not very likable – she used her wound to keep everyone at bay and on edge – so I have softened her retorts to her sister and became more engaging with her friend.

[Farrin Rosenthal]

Farrin Rosenthal’s Elevated Dialogue!

Farrin’s Vision: To do what it takes to become a highly paid A-List Hollywood writer whose produced movies will entertain audiences around the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is how every character in a script should be like real people and that means each character is an individual, each separate and apart from each other.

This means each character should speak with his or her own voice. Some lines of dialogue are going to be generic, but the characters themselves should not be generic.

They require their own unique dialogue depending on their own unique character traits and the circumstances they find themselves in.

What a character needs and wants at any given time dictates how they act and what they say. It is up to us writers to write dialogue that fits each character at the time they say the lines.

I continue to go through each character in my script and make sure each line they speak fits who they are and what is going on in that scene.

[Robert Smith]

WIM MODULE 7 LESSON 5 11023

ROBERT SMITH’S ELEVATED DIALOGUE.

MY VISION FOR SUCCESS AFTER THE PROGRAM:

I am a great writer who delivers entertaining, informative, and uplifting scripts that sell and get produced.

WHAT I LEARNED DOING TJHIS ASSIGNMENT IS …?

I only partially completed the assignment. But the method of passing a profile over a

character’s dialogue to make dialogue authentically “in character” is highly useful and

necessary in elevating a script.

REVIEW OF PROJECT

CONCEPT: The soul of a slain Cosa Nostra mobster (Lou Tasca) cannot get into the World to

Come because of his life of crime. His only hope to redeem himself is to do an act of nearly impossible supreme good, namely, persuade the wiseguy who killed him (Carlo Vizzini) to quit the mob, trash his oath of silence about mob activity, surrender to the FBI. and enter the Witness Protection Program.

TITLE: “ANGELS IN GANGLAND”

GENRE: GANGSTER-COMEDY

LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST (Lead): Lou Tasca. The slain gangster searching for a

metrocard to his Home-Train to the World to Come.

PROTAGONIST’S FRIEND: Rabbi Solomon Levinsky, Lou’s spirit guide

in convincing Carlo Vizzini to the quit the mob. Solomon’s son, Sam is a friend of Carlo and Solomon hopes that if Lou can get Carlo to quit the mob, a collateral good might happen, i.e., Sam (Carlo’s friend, Solomon’s son) also quits.

ANTAGONIST: Tony Rizzo, Crew Captain who ordered Carlo to kill Lou

so he (Tony) wouldn’t have to pay Lou a $200,000 gamBling debt.

ASSIGNMENT:

Tell how many lines rewritten (3 examples).

1. Dialogue was fixed to show rather than tell backstory.

Rabbi Solomon explains how he realized he had a calling to rescue the souls of gangsters when he prayed for a dying Catholic gangster (Frankie Gazzo) in the Garment District who says “What is a Rabbi doing in a hellhole like this? God must have a special purpose for you.” As he swoons in death Frankie says, “I hear a Voice say, ‘Solomon son of Mordechai. I send you to save the lost sheep in Gangland like Frankie Gazzo.’”

2. The Backstory of how there was gangster influence into Rabbi Solomon’s otherwise religious Jewish family:

A flashback of Solomon’s Uncle Max who ran with the Bugs-Meyer mob (the Kosher Nostra) who busted Nazi kneecaps at the Nazi Rally in Madison Square Garden in ’39 and ran guns to the Haganah in ’47 when Israel was in danger of destruction by Arab Aggressors.

These flashbacks would be accomplished through archival footage and reenactment.

PURPOSE: Rabbi Solomon, considered Uncle Max a hero for protecting the Jewish community from antisemites in America and Arab Agression in the Middle East. Unfortunately, it introduced his son, Sam, to gangster life which he entered to the great upset of Rabbi Solomon who then disowns his son when he becomes an associate of the Giordano family along with his son Carlo (who would eventually assassinate Protagonist Lou Tasca.

3. Rabbi Solomon prays, asking God to forgive him for being a failure as a father and as a Rabbi for failing to realize his calling to save the lost souls of Gangland.

PURPOSE: Set up: Rabbi Solomon’s calling to save gangsters souls is given opportunities beyond the grave when he becomes spirit guide to Lou Tasca who can only reach the World to Come by rectifying his life of crime with a supreme good, i.e., talking his killer (Carlo Vizzini) into flipping and going into Witness Protection.

4. After Rabbi Solomon shows Lou numerous episodes from his past of transgressions.

LOU

Rabbi, how is it that you can show me all this?

SOLOMON

Let’s put it this way, the Compendium of Infinite Actions (change

to: The Book of Life) is a whole library and like any library, it has an audio-visual department.

Will continue to use the method taught in this assignment in polishing up my final draft.

[Leona Heraty]

Leona Heraty’s Elevated Dialogue

My Vision: To be the best family comedy screenwriter in the industry where my screenplays are produced into fabulous movies, making audiences laugh a lot and making me independently wealthy!

What I learned from doing this assignment is…using this method based on character traits to upgrade dialogue is easy and fun and it works!

Title: Tara vs. the Termo-Lytes
Genre: Comedy (Sci-fi)
Concept #2: A lost teenage tour guide who’s petrified of bugs must lead her tour group in a battle against mutant killer termites at an abandoned country club.

2. Follow these steps to rewrite any generic lines from your lead characters.

TARA–Protagonist
Character Traits
–Cowardly
–Gullible
–Silly/Playful
–Haunted by past

Generic Dialogue: Whoo-hoo! I earned it, baby!

Trait: Cowardly: I can’t believe I graduated…and on time!
Trait: Gullible: Dad said I might have to take summer school to graduate. I wonder if he was joking?
Trait: Silly/Playful: Thank God for my math tutor!
Trait: Haunted by Past: I guess even scaredy cats get to graduate.

BIG BETTY–Antagonist
Character Traits
–Fake Sweet/Funny
–Manipulative
–Vain
–Untrustworthy

Generic Dialogue: You look fab-u-lous! Just fab-u-lous!

Trait: Fake Sweet/Funny: I’m sure I’ll be on the cover of Vogue…very soon!
Trait: Manipulative: (Spoken to Tara): If you praise my fantabulous beauty, I might just let you live!
Trait: Vain: I could pass for Scarlett Johansson’s younger sister!
Trait: Untrustworthy: (Spoken to Tara) Tell you what, you get me into the Whiskey A Go-Go and I promise to give you a job, as my wingman!

DAVY—Supporting Character
Character Traits
–Inquisitive/Nosy
–Pesty
–Inventive
–Fearless

Generic Dialogue: (Spoken to Tara) Got you! You scally-wag matie!

Trait: Inquisitive/Nosy: (Spoken to Tara) Where have you been? You coulda called!
Trait: Pesty: (Spoken to Tara’s Mom and Dad): Can I move in…for the summer?
Trait: Inventive: (Spoken to Everyone at Backyard Party): I’m so good at scaring people, I could open my own haunted house!
Trait: Fearless: (Spoken to Tara). Don’t be mad at me for scaring you! Let’s duke it out!

MEG—Supporting Character

Character Traits
–Feisty
–Suspicious
–Practical
–Kind

Generic Dialogue: That’s my new boyfriend, Tad. Some help he is!

Trait: Feisty: That’s my new boyfriend Tad. But I might have to put him out to pasture soon!
Trait: Suspicious: That’s my new boyfriend, Tad. He’s not only a lush, I think he’s lying about being the new CEO of Facebook.
Trait: Practical: That’s my new boyfriend, Tad. He’s a lush…but at least his van is in working order.
Trait: Kind: That’s my new boyfriend, Tad. I was saving up for a new car, but I think I better spend the money on his rehab.

3. Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character and give us three of your favorites just for fun.

I rewrote one line for each of the lead characters. Here are my new favorite lines:

TARA: Thank God for my math tutor!
BIG BETTY: Tell you what, you get me into the Whiskey A Go-Go and I promise to give you a job, as my wingman!

DAVY: Can I move in…for the summer?
MEG: That’s my new boyfriend, Tad. He’s a lush…but at least his van is in working order.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Leona Heraty.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Leona Heraty.

[Amechi Ngwe]

Amechi’s Elevated Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that I don’t have to have perfect dialogue right away, I just have to keep improving it as I refine the characters with each pass. The words of one can change the words and actions of another.

MY VISION
I am going to be in the top 1% of action/comedy writers in the industry who writes major action films.

For my protagonist I rewrote 24 lines.
For my antagonist I rewrote 16
For my triangle character I rewrote 14
I also rewrote another 20 for others.

I’m happy with this, but I feel like there’s still a lot of improvement I can make on the next few passes.

[Joseph McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Elevated Dialogue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is that when I pay close attention to the character traits, the dialogue changes to reflect the character, and I have a lot of lines that could be said by anyone, in the early drafts.

2. Follow these steps to rewrite any generic lines from your lead characters.

Select a lead character.
Pull out their character profile and
read it.
Go to the first dialogue line for this
character. Read it.
Ask, “Could that line be said by
anyone else?”
If so, using that character’s profile,
brainstorm other possible ways to say the line.
Rewrite it, then move to the next line
by this character.

3. Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character

and give us three of your favorites just for fun.

[Lori Lance]

Lori Lance’s Elevated Dialogue

Vision: I want to be a professional screenwriter recognized by the industry as the go-to for family-friendly scripts and have multiple successful movies produced.

I tweaked Alex’s dialogue to show Alex’s immense knowledge, often to add humor.

Claire’s dialogue comes off as a mother figure, which is what I was going for, however, there are a couple of conversations that don’t seem to have much of a purpose. I will continue to work on those.

For the Logan children, I ensured that their dialogue fits their ages as best I could.

Brad’s dialogue was tweaked to fit his personality and show his character growth as he becomes a more engaged dad.